Wendy's Jelly Beans

Yes Faith, there is a Santa Claus

2007-10-24T21:48:00.000-06:00

No, I'm not dead.

I'm actually ok. Really I am.

I have had a hard time thinking of things to post, hence the silence. I just don't think you all really want to hear me whine about missing Vince over and over, and that's what I feel I'd write.

A brief synopsis of what I've been up to

Still employed at the same place, doing the same thing.
Syd has 3 new teeth, and is so close to really walking.
She can expertly climb up and down stairs.
My Wellbutrin was switched to generic and stopped working. I'm on Effexor now.
I have spent a lot of time watching Star Trek videos on you tube.
I even bought some seasons of Voyager off Ebay.
I've been reading a lot of Janeway/Chakotay fanfic. I've written some, but am too embarrassed to post it anywhere. I've spent a LOT of time at home reading this.
I found some old fan fic I wrote years ago. I'll share only if I ever meet you in person, or I know you in person (Dawn, Trista, Susan, etc this means you) You are free to compliment, but are are forbidden to ever mock me (well teasing because it is so bad is ok). Bad writing here. I wrote it in college, and before I was married. I swear it is bad.
I'm lonely. My appetite has been sucking lately because of Vince being gone. The bright side of this is I've lost close to 25 pounds.
Syd is finally out of the bucket car seat and into a convertible one. I still have her rear facing.

On a very happy note, I just got back from 4 wonderful days with Vince in St. Louis. He had a break between his trainings, and I flew out to see him. I left Syd with my mom. That was hard. We stayed at a Hilton, and the hotel was wonderful. We had a wonderful time just being with each other. We were able to see the play "Rent" which was on tour there, and the play was marvelous. We ate at lovely restaurants, and went to Six Flags. I HATED our rental car, and HHR, because the blind spots were huge, but otherwise the time was fantastic. It was the first time I had left him at the airport, usually he leaves me standing there, and it was really hard on him to see me go. He said he now understands how it is hard to be left behind. I now know how hard it is to walk away from the person you love and go deal with the TSA.

While on the TSA, my carry on bag often doubles as my lunch bag. It had a fruit cup in a side pocket, a fruit cup I had forgotten all about and had no idea how old it is. You would not believe the fuss over a fruit cup. I told them to throw it away, and they had to consult supervisors over it. I was allowed to keep my fruit cup, which I threw away because it looked old.

The flight to St. Louis was wonderful. I had the bench to myself and stretched out and read a book while sipping Diet Coke then tea, with music playing on the Ipod. So very relaxing and nice. It was such a burden off of me to know that I literally HAD to sit there and relax. No one could call me, and I could not call anyone. I did not have to feed Syd, just sit there and be. It was heavenly. Flights home not so much, but the flight there was wonderful.

Confidential to Sarah: Your card came on a very low day for me. I saved the money and Vince and I enjoyed dinner in St. Louis on my birthday thanks to you. I thought of you when we ordered, and said a grateful prayer for your kindness.

Confidential to Faith: Thanks for prompting me to write again. I was afraid I would start and never stop because I have so much to say. It was moving to see your post today.

Confidential to Dawn: Thanks for being here with me. And thanks for helping me clean my disaster of a house. Only a true friend would come and sort through this mess.

Getting ready

2007-08-30T11:26:00.001-06:00

I'm so stressed.

Broke.
Short on time.
Too much to do.
Worried.
Stressed.
Tired.

Yup, that covers it.

Vince leaves Saturday. Insert bawling smilie here. There is so much he needs to do. He has been acting like money grows on trees. I've FINALLY gotten him to stop spending, I hope. He just wants to have EVERYTHING NOW.

What I try to point out is that
1) He is not going to kingdom come. There is a fully stocked BX where he is going.
2) He can still purchase stuff he needs there when he gets there.
3) Things he cannot purchase there, he can go online and get later when we can afford this.
4) Things he cannot purchase there or online, I can go buy and ship (read LDS garments.) He does however have PLENTY, trust me PLENTY of those, he just wants all new ones because they have an all new military kind.

I just hate dealing with money and him. If I gently suggest that we can't afford that right now or he needs to wait, he gets upset sometimes and says he won't get it ever. I think a big part of this difference in attitudes is how we were raised. I was raised middle to upper middle class. There were times (many times) things were lean, but I never went hungry, and I almost always had what I needed, and usually most of what I wanted as well. If my mom said she could not afford the New Kids on the Block tape I wanted now, but I could have it after pay day, I knew I would get it unless I ticked her off. I grew up in stable homes in nice neighborhoods. Vince was raised in poverty, pure and simple. His dad did not pay child support. His mom worked multiple minimium wage jobs. I'm sure there was a lot he did not get because of money. Different experiences, different ways of looking at money.

Anyway, he leaves Saturday. I'm taking some of today and all of tomorrow off.

Oh, and Sydney is sleeping at my mom's tonight. I'm worried about her being gone, but Vince and I do need time alone to get ready to go. She is an active healthy baby, and chasing her is something we do a lot of. We will actually be able to get things that need to get done with her being gone. I'll also be able to get a good nights sleep. It will be the first time she will spend the night away from me since she came home. I hope this goes ok.

I'm getting worried and upset about him leaving. Vince is having a hard time leaving. He says it is harder this time. He feels like he and Sydney just got into a grove, and now he has to leave.

I'm planning on flying to see him at least once, but can't book airfare until we get some money.

Well then, I just blogged about money because I don't want to talk about him leaving. Great coping skills there.

Random thoughts

2007-08-23T22:11:00.000-06:00

I have several different topics to cover, so bear with me.

I am VERY stressed right now. I've taken to wearing my teeth grinding guard during the day because the grinding and clenching is so bad.

It is stressful having Vince leave. His job is giving him the run around. I'm worried he does not have time to prepare.

Work is boring.

2 co-workers are pregnant. 5 and 6 weeks. Today they were having a conversation about births etc, and I'd say something and I got told that's because your birth was weird, your pregnancy was bad, etc. I really felt out of place, like if I told my experience, I was cursing them or something. I excused myself and went and cried in my office because of how out of place I felt, and how robbed of what they had I felt, and how unvalidated my experiences were. And I would normally call one of these women a friend.

My mom and my sister had another blow out today. My brother the pious and I am trying to give them some space, so I offered to let her come live with me after Vince leaves. She can go live with him in the mean time. My mom took this to us trying to split up the family and taking my sister's side. What we are trying to do is to not take sides, but recognize that all this constant fighting is really bad for both of them and give them some space to calm down and remember that they love each other. Mom called me tonight and yelled at me, saying we were letting my sister off easy. Problem is I can see thought my mother's controlling behaviors. She has also conveniently forgotten all the crap my brother and I pulled and making us out to be perfect teenagers and we were not. Trust me. She thinks them being at each other's throats constantly is healthier than them getting some space. She did this with my dad. She did this with my brother. They fought constantly. For years. Because that was better than a divorce.

I'm not saying that my sister is blameless here by far, but ALL the problems are my sisters, NONE are my mother's. I'm sure she is struggling with the fact her baby is 18 and trying to be independent and making mistakes at it, but my mom is really doing this the wrong way. It is so bad, that if my sister was under 18, I'd be calling DCFS.

I'm stuck in a hard spot. I want to help my sister, but don't really want my mom to come after me. I don't need that too. She started in on my this evening, but thankfully got an ambulance call. I don't want to take sides. She used to have me try to take sides between her and my dad, and I won't do it any more between her and anyone, and it makes her SO mad, then she comes after me. Happened several times when I lived there, which is reason 1 I won't go live there again. You just can't talk to her when she gets like this. If you don't agree with her, than you are attaching her. I mentioned that getting them some space would end the power struggle between her and my sister, and she yelled there was none, if my sister would just follow her rules.

My mom is very good at twisting things.

My mom REALLY ticked me off. She used Sydney as pawn. She told my sister that she was going to tell me she was too irresponsible to watch Sydney and that I would not let her care for Sydney. I've tried really hard to stay neutral in their war. I've tried really hard to be supportive, but she just drew my innocent baby into her battle. NOT OK. I (and Vince) DECIDE WHO SEES SYDNEY, NOT HER. SHE IS NOT SYDNEY'S PARENT, AND I WILL NOT LET HER ACT LIKE SHE IS. You all know how much I don't like my MIL, but I've never blocked her seeing Sydney. I might mock her dirty floors after we go, but at least we went.

Honestly, I think my mom needs meds and some heavy therapy. I've gently tried to address this with her, but been rebuffed. I spent almost 2 years in therapy dealing with her crap, and I won't go back to my old patterns which makes her so mad. I won't be the scapegoat. I REFUSE to try to social work my family. She tried to have me do marriage therapy between her and my dad, and it has haunted me. I won't do that. I'll suggest that she and my sister need therapy, but it will get thrown back in my face.

My brothers and I are out of her grasp. One brother barely has anything to do with us. One does, but constantly ticks my mother off because its not what she wants. I try to stay away from her when she is like this. I try to do things on my own terms, but know I cave to her more than I should.

Syd is sleeping better. She sleeps from about 11 to 7:30. She is sleeping with me, but at least she is sleeping. I have to keep her up which can be a challenge, but at least this is an improvement.

Everyone else is, part 2

2007-08-15T16:10:00.000-06:00

Again, Wendy being the follower. Every time I take this test I come out ENFP.

Down day

2007-08-15T11:28:00.000-06:00

Syd's sleeping is not going well. She cries for about 20 minutes, sleeps for about an hour, lather rinse repeat. It is very hard. I've started talking to her about sleeping and preparing her for it. It is just hard. I want to say thanks for all the tips and ideas people have sent me, I really appreciate them. Things are improved over my I'm losing it post, but they are still a challenge. I'm worried she is having nightmares, because she wakes up screaming as if she is scared. Now she goes to sleep very easy at day care. DCP says she plays a little than goes to sleep. UGG WHY can she do it there, but not at home?

I'm down today. The overwhelming burden of Vince leaving is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm pretty near crying right now. I restarted the Wellbutrin today. I've been off for a couple of months and have done fine, but I'm worried about what will come. So I'm being proactive and restarting the meds.

17 days until he leaves. I keep reminding myself that this is a good thing, at least he is not in Baghdad, blah, blah, blah, but I also keep thinking... My Lover is leaving for 6 freaking months. (I'd swear but I'm posting from work.) That is the overwhelming part right now. 6 MONTHS. I know the time will pass because it always does, but that's where I am right now. The anticipatory grief one has before a big loss occurs.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

Oh, and Trista, I'll work on the blinkies.

Another sibling and his wife weighs in

2007-08-12T22:43:00.000-06:00

My brother the Pious and his wife who were waiting to adopt and is now miraciously due in December came by to bring Vince a congratulations you got promoted gift. They brought him the Star Wars Lego video game. Vince loves it. It is nice when someone gives you a gift you will really enjoy.

Anyway, I mentioned that my mom wants me to move in. He said she wants me there to referee. SIL is an accountant for the I the R and the S. Mentioned I did the math on the mileage and that my housing allowance would go down because of the difference in zip codes. She immediately said that you won't save any money driving 80 miles a day. Both though it would be a bad financial and emotional move, and BTP is my mom's favorite!!! They live blocks away and said they would help with anything, anytime.

So another sibling votes no. That makes 3 votes no, 2 unknown. (But I already know they are nos too).

The Nos have it.

OT.... SIL has not had one teensey urge to vomit. Mandy, Sarah, myself and any others who suffered through a vomit filled pregnancy may now shove our fingers down her throat. I actually am beyond happy that they are pregnant, and am glad she is skipping the vomit. But maybe she could have one 24 hour period of gentle nausea?

A cute pause

2007-08-12T16:09:00.000-06:00

There is plenty more to read below.... well if you like reading about my mom and me.

For a cuter pause, some Sydney Pictures. Some have been uploaded from camera phones, so not the best quality, but still cute.

Vince loves Jolt Gum, and Syd found a box to chew on.

With my oldest younger sister.

With my youngest younger sister.

Vince did her hair and dressed her.

And a slide show I made:

I just love her to bits!

Now guess what?

2007-08-12T15:53:00.000-06:00

My mom and my sister had a big fight last night and this morning.

First my mom was kicking out my sister. Then my mom was moving out. Guess where she wants to come and live....

Yup. You guessed it. With me.

Now, I'm seriously thinking of having my sister come and live with me. She is 18, and while bratty, would actually be a help around the house and be an enjoyable person to live with. I told her she would have to pay rent to me, and she was ok with that. If my sister came and lived with me, the house would still remain MY HOUSE.

If my mom came and lived with me, it would turn into her house. Plain and simple.

Oh, and so not happening. I'm not sharing a bathroom with my mother. I don't want to hear peep one about how I'm using all the hot water, not when I'm paying the bill.

Am I weird that I am actually looking forward to the time when Vince is gone? Not that I want him to go, by far that is not what I'm thinking here. I'm looking at this as a time for me to do what I want, so I can be independant and still take care of everything, and a chance for me to do some things I want to do. I'll miss Vince a lot, I know this. I've been on my own for a couple of weeks with Syd and about 4 weeks before she was even concieved. I did fine both times. I'm looking optimistically that yes this will be a hard time for me, but I can make this a positive time. I can make needed changes in the home without Vince dragging his feet as he does. I can work hard and take care of things, and still have time to rent and watch Big Love. I can take care of my baby and scrap and sew.

Does that make sense? Since he has to leave and his leaving is a postive thing, I can still have a nice time while he is gone, YKWIM? I don't want to sit and cry, but I know there will be crying times. I think I want to keep life as normal as possible, and having my mom move in would not be doing that at all.

Is she crazy?

2007-08-11T23:45:00.000-06:00

Dh's leaving for about 6 months of military training. This is because of his recent promotion and is a good thing.

Some points to think about.

Work and Day care are within 10 minutes from my house.
My mom lives 45 minutes away.
She wants me to let my rental house go, store all my stuff, get rid of my cats, and move in with her.
I'd basically moved in with her right after DD came home and DH left for 6 weeks of training. It was HELL. Pure and simple Hell. You can read about it here, here, and here.
My mom is a controlling gal.
I'd save about 900 a month in rent, utilities, etc.
I'd have to rent a storage unit, change our insurance policies, etc.
My commute would more than triple. The IRS puts mileage at 48.5 cents per mile. Last time I did this commute, I averaged 80 miles a day. 80*.485*25= 470.45 a month. (18.18 A DAY!!!!!)
Rent on a storage unit would likely be about 200 a month.
I'd have to rehome my cats. While I have one I would like to rehome (he is a loveable pest) I'd hate to rehome all of them.
Last time I crashed in her room. I had no closet space. I had no TV as she does not have cable. I got when are you coming home? When will you be back? Why do you spend $3 on a half a gallon of organic milk? It was not home.
I had to keep neat and orderly at all times.... my mom's rules. She insists on communal laundry doing, and got mad that I was not interested in particpating. I wanted to do my own laundry, not the whole house holds.
When things got bad, and they did, it was ALL my fault. Why? Because I'm the scapgoat in my family, and because I was disrupting thier routine. Well I have my own routine, TUVM.
My mom is a morning person. I'm not a morning person AT ALL.

Just looking at the math here.... I'd save about $200 a month. HA. Go through hell for $200 a month. Not likely. Last time I did not have a day care provider for Syd, and I wanted to keep her out of day care since she just got home. This time I have an excellent provider for Syd, and have no problems with her being in day care. I'd spend at least that in retail therapy, and I did last time, why? Because I was left alone in the stores. Then I'd get the 3rd degree when I came home with purchases.

I love my mom, and I'm working on redefining my relationship with her. I do really good dealing with her controlling crap from 30 miles away. I don't do so good at that living with her. I am not a child, yet it seemed I was expected to be one. I'm grateful for the offer, and fully plan on leaving Syd with them for a weekend when I fly and visit Vince.

She said to me that she does not know if I could handle being a single mother. Lovely vote of confidence there. NICE, really NICE. Sure I'm not the greatest house keeper on the planet, but a couple of friends have offered to help me organize and get things de-cluttered. How about she offers to come help me with deep cleaning and no commentary? How about she picks Syd up and goes to my house so I don't have to drive the round trip to her home so I can go grocery shopping? How about she offer help me some way I want help, not what she thinks is best?

I don't wanna move. 6 Months with my mom? She must be joking.

Soooooooo

2007-08-08T16:20:00.001-06:00

Vince met with his commander.

And it went much better than expected.

Vince becomes a Second Lieutenant on Friday!

THANK GOD that the ROTC phase of our lives is over and we get to move on.

I am beyond relieved.

I am so happy. I am so glad that all the sacrifice and struggle and loss of the last 2 years related to this program have come to fruition.

I am so relieved for Vince. I really dreaded having to work him through not commissioning.

D-Day

2007-08-08T10:27:00.000-06:00

Well today is the day.

Today Vince learns if he earns a commission or not.

I'm terribly nervous.

I'm very glad that the sword hanging over us will fall. I'm very glad that the anxiety, the worry, and the stress will be over, no matter what his commander decides. I'm trying to focus on today, not worry about the what ifs, but I'm not doing too well on that point.

As for Syd and her sleeping.... ROFLOL.

Last night I kept her up all evening. It was a fight to keep her up from 9 to 10. At 10 I got her ready for bed and she went to sleep. I'm so tired I collapsed as well. We were both asleep before 10:30. I was very excited thinking she would actually sleep all night.

Ummm... No.

She woke up at 1:30 and stayed that way. I got some sleep on the couch.

CIO starts tonight. One thing I realized is that I need to feed her heavy foods before she sleeps, because she wakes up hungry. So I'll feed her pediasure, turkey, and baby cereal, then she can go to sleep. And she stays in her bed for the rest of the night. I'm setting up the small crib my mom gave me tonight. Oh, and she is sleeping in another room other than mine as well. I love my baby, but this sleeping like crap has to stop. She and I both need this to stop. It is draining all my resources.

On to my mom. Yes she needs to STFU. I'm well aware she does not think I'm a skilled mom at getting Syd to sleep. What we had been doing had been working until about a month ago, then it all went to hell. I'm trying to do what I think is best. I now think this course of action is best for us.

Oh.... she offered to have me move in with her while Vince is gone. She said I'd save the money I'd spend on rent, and can put my things in storage. Yeah. NO. NOT HAPPENING. I have to have my space to parent. I don't believe in parenting by committee, which is what it was when I lived there last year. Parenting by committee, a committee I was not on because I disagreed with them. I need to parent her, My mom needs to grandparent her, and my sisters need to aunt her. Sheesh. I don't need that pressure. I hated living there. It was really bad. And she wants me to do it for 6 months???? SOOOOOOOOO not happening.

So please pray for Vince today, and for me and Syd tonight.

After the high drama that was this mornings post I give you...

2007-08-06T15:53:00.000-06:00

Everyone else is doing it so I should too.

You're Mexico!

While some people think you're poor and maybe a little corrupt, you know where it's at, enjoying good food and nice beaches. You like to take things a little slower than those around you, and you really wish the air were cleaner, but sometimes compromises must be made. For some reason, Chevrolet keeps trying to sell you Novas as well, even though they don't really go.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

I am a bad mom

2007-08-06T06:57:00.000-06:00

Just thought I'd post that.

I'm really struggling here. Vince is under huge ROTC stress and hates his graveyard shify job.

Sydney is on a very screwed up sleep cycle. She thinks playtime starts at 1. Now this would be ok if I did not have to go to work, but I do.

Last night I got so little sleep, I'm a zombie. When Vince comes back from PT he is taking her to day care and I'm calling in sick. I'll go in at about 1. I'm dead tired now and very close to loosing it with Sydney.

She is currently downstairs watching TV.

I totally suck as a mom. If she won't nurse to sleep I don't know how to put her to sleep, a fact my mom made clear yesterday.

With Vince and Syd I feel like I give and give and give and am getting little back from Vince. Syd gives with her happy laughs and smiles.

I'm burned out at ROTC. I want to scream whenever Vince mentions it. He needs to process I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I WANT TO TELL HIM TO STFU and NEVER MENTION HIS COMMANDER OR THAT DAMN PROGRAM AGAIN. This ends Wednesday one way or the other. I'll be glad for Vince's anxiety to come down to the point where he can maybe rejoin the labor force in our home. I'm just DONE. IF he gets a comission, I have to go play nice to those assholes on Friday. Joy.

She is crying right now, and I CAN'T go. I'm in control now, but I'm close to losing it. I want her to go to sleep damn it. I can REALLY easily see how child abuse happens when parents get to the end of their rope. I've done nothing but I've sure thought of it.

Tomorrow we start her sleeping in a crib. I'm getting the pack and play out of my car as well so I have somewhere to put her that she can't escape. I love her so much I don't want anything to happen, but I am done.

I'm to the point where we will be doing CIO. I hate it but I need her to go to sleep and stay that way. I love her so much. I'm so torn. The crap at the so called mothering website I chill at is no help. Most mothers post like me. I'm so tired blah blah blah. Yeah, I'm tired and I'm done being a martyr for a cause. I need sleep.

Up 2

2007-07-07T11:17:00.000-06:00

So I had a bad week.

Ate too much fatty food on the fourth. Ate too little other days. Ate way to much yesterday at the local city fair.

I'm trying to think positive. Even though I over did it, I did better than I would have before starting Weight Watchers. I did not over eat. I shared a plate with Vince. I stopped eating my Chinese at half and did not clean my plate. I turned down Dawn's leftovers, even though I LOVE LOVE LOVE what she had. (Fried Chinese lo mein. YUMMY). I did not have a cotton candy or a Fried Twinkies, both of which I really wanted.

I'm wondering though is the I did better than the past a real idea, or just justification. I'm not sure. On some levels it is progress, on others it is just an excuse.

Things I will do this week to have a better week:

Go grocery shopping so there is healthy food in my kitchen.
Count. I did not track last week.
Monitor portion sizes.
Attend the meeting next week as well. I only weighed in last week, skipped the meeting.
Keep a positive attitude.
Take Sydney for a walk in the evening 3 times this week.

So those are my goals. Do-able I think.

Last week I was really chaffing at the counting and writing it down, mostly because Vince is so over the top with it he is driving me bonkers. I can keep my points written down and still remain me.

I've done imagery for how I want this afternoon to go. I am going to Lagoon, the local amusement park. I will bring healthy snacks. I will not go nutso on the amusement park food. I did that at Disneyland, I can skip it at Lagoon. I will make wise choices at dinner. I might eat at their Subway, or I might eat somewhere else, but I will write it down. I'm picturing how I want this day to go, so I have a mental plan.

Any psychics out there? Have any idea where my nice swimming suit is? I can't find it and I have looked EVERYWHERE. I found the skirt that goes with it, but not my suit. I got it last year and have wore it once or twice. It was not an inexpensive suit by any means at all, either. I spent $150 on the suit and skirt, and I think I looked OK in it. It actually supported me, which my old suit does not do so well. Oh well. I can't afford to go buy a new one, since hopefully sometime soon I'll need a smaller size.

W Meme

2007-07-06T11:37:00.000-06:00

Stolen from Faith.....

Rules: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following.

Famous singer/band: The Who
4-letter word: What (followed by the f)
Street name: W Street in Washington DC
Colour: White
Gifts/presents: Harry Winston jewlery
Vehicle: Windstar (by Ford)
Things in a souvenir shop: bottled Water
Boy name: Walter
Girl name: Wanda
Movie title: Wild Wild West.... (3 fer!)
Drink: Watermelon Vodka
Occupation: Waiter
Flower: Water Lily
Celebrity: Whitney Houston
Magazine: W
U.S. City: Washington DC
Pro Sports Team: Chicago White Sox
Fruit/vegetable: Water Cress
Reason late for work: Water on Kitchen floor
Something you throw away: Waste
Things you shout: WOW!
Cartoon character: Windy the witch

So.... how about the blinkies?

2007-07-06T00:08:00.001-06:00

I'll admit .... I'm a

And I posted my entire collection on my blog.

Thankfully for all of you blinkie haters, I've hidden most of them at the bottom of the page where no one goes.

I may or may not move one element to the top on a rotating basis... depending on the commentary I recieve on them.

I kinda went nuts. I have them all organized on here and on my photo bucket as well.

However... If you want to get to know me, check them out. A lot of me and my personality, likes and dislikes show up on the blinkies.

So what do you think? Should I rotate one up top, or leave them all at the bottom?

Shamless Plea for Votes.

2007-07-01T11:30:00.000-06:00

I've entered Syd in a cute baby contest... could you please go and vote for her?

Main contest page is http://www.kosy.com/pages/baby_idol/

When they put the pictures up, they did it in a less than organized way. Basically you have to click through all the pictures to see yours, and it is a pain.

I'll post the pictures so you can see them. (My mom entered her too.)

Baby #158, where we decided to concentrate the votes.... (Dawn took this picture, BTW)

And baby #162 She is wearing a green wig my mom had to wear for work. That is my (thankfully hairless) chin in the corner.

To vote click here (And please vote for #158.)
http://www.kosy.com/pages/baby_idol/vote.html

It seems you can vote once per internet browser program on a computer.... so if you happen to have Explorer and Firefox... you can vote twice. And if you have a home and work computer.... ok, I'll stop begging.
Thanks for the votes!

Gotcha Day

2007-06-28T11:18:00.000-06:00

Today is our Gotcha day!!!

Celebrate!!!!

One year ago we ran out of the hospital and made it home WITH our DD. What a happy day that was. Such a very special day. If you are interested...

Here is the video link. Because I don't want youtube linking back to this site, remove the #### in the link so the link will work.

From when we roomed in...
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=l3FmZS2zjPA

Going home!
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=LFQCeQ0miYA

What a wonderful day that was. I look back at that video and snicker at times. Vince wondering if he should drive slow because we have the baby in the car. Me messing with the blanket and wrapping her up in it.... thing is, it was about 90 that day. She did not need a blanket. She barely needed clothing.

I bought her the duck dress she is wearing. It was a newborn size. I bought it on one of my OB approved shopping jaunts while on bed rest. I was sitting in one of those electric carts. My mom was there. She had bought Sydney a pink dress, but I told her I wanted to purchase the duck one. She said I had no need for it, since she bought the pink one. I told her I wanted the duck dress and was buying it. She wanted to know what for. I said I needed something cute to bring her home in. She said that's why she bought the pink dress, and acted a bit hurt. I thanked her for the pink dress, but said that Vince wanted me to get her a dress to wear home that he and I bought. Plus, the pink dress was a 0-3 months, and we already knew she was being born small. I said that I was hoping that a new born dress would fit... as you can see, it was still huge. In the end, I bought the dress, sweater, and a pair of duck booties. I wanted to get the really cute duck hat that matched but my mom talked me out of it.

BTW... both the duck dress and pink dress still fit. When I'm home I'll upload a picture of her very recently wearing the duck dress. She wore it to Vince's graduation.

Any ideas out there how to help Vince and Sydney bond? She is really clinging to me, and his feelings are getting hurt. He feels left out. She cooperates for me and won't for him. I try to suggest that he do more of her cares without hollering for me to help or getting frustrated. I suggest that he bathe her. He really won't do that. Any ideas?

Oh, I decided that Kristin is right and I took down the adjusted age ticker. A friend is watching Syd today as our DCP is on vacation, and she had not seen her in a while. When I opened the door with Syd on my hip, she said "She is huge." :)

Adjusted age

2007-06-24T22:08:00.000-06:00

Friday was Syd's original due date.

I'm torn. I wonder if I should restart the adjusted age ticker or take it down. Developmentally she is pretty much on track. Size wise she is a tiny thing.

The tinyness is hard to deal with. That and the difference in her skin color and mine has gotted questions from strangers when we are out. I don't always feel the need to explain her whole history to the lady behind me in line.

Last week I read an article written by another mom of a biracial child. She decided her answer to "where did you get her?" is "My Uterus." That will be my answer from now on. This is one time I wish I had a vaginal birth, because I'd REALLY love the look on the strangers face when I would say "from my vagina." I love saying words that are not dirty words, but many people think they are. Oh well, I'll just stick to saying, my uterus. If they ask where she got that skin color from, so help me I just might say, "from my husband's sperm."

5 WHOLE POUNDS!!!

2007-06-24T21:55:00.000-06:00

Yes. I lost 5 whole pounds in 9 days. I am amazed!

I feel better already. I am actually eating veggies... why because they are free. I have not had fast food in over a week. I feel so much better.

When I'm loosing weight, I can feel it. I don't have a way to describe it, but my skin fits better, looser. I feel softer. It is weird.

I am so very excited about this. If I keep the weight loss up, I'm not touching my nursing points, unless I plateau.

I find eating all the points I have hard. I have 32 now. It is REALLY hard to eat all that when you are trying to eat healthy. Funny.

Vince lost 6 pounds. He is doing very well. He is psycho nutso about tracking, like he thinks there will be a test. Oh well. I'm very happy at how well we have done.

After the weigh in, I went to Wal-Mart to get some things. I wanted to shout over and over, I lost 5 pounds, I lost 5 pounds.

New Ticker, New Goal, New Me?

2007-06-14T13:36:00.000-06:00

Anyone else notice my new ticker? (Of course I saw it because I went and made it then pasted the code here. )

Vince and I started Weight Watchers yesterday. Yup, went to a meeting, paid the dues, stepped on a scale, and joined.

I'm not at my high weight, where I was the last time I started WW. However, I'm over a number I said I would never be over again... but only by 8 ounces., but I AM over that number. (It was my tampon, I swear.)

I do weigh more than I did the day I walked into the hospital to have Sydney. I do weigh much more than I should.

I am very committed. Yesterday for lunch I had a last Hurrah! I had a Crown Burger, fries and fry sauce. Very yummy. Very fattening. Very much a very rare treat from now on. (if ever) I looked at this like Mary Tyler Moore did when she went to the Betty Ford Clinic. I read in her autobiography that she got on the plane to go to the clinic sat down in first class, and was offered a drink... she figured one last chance to enjoy so she did and she showed up at the Betty Ford clinic very drunk. I showed up at the Weight Watchers meeting full from pastrami, cheese, and burger, but comitted and ready to make major life changes.

I was looking at pictures of me, and saw how heavy I am. I'm not happy at this weight. So I'm doing something about it.

I'm amazed at the number of points I'm allotted a day. Last time, I had 26 I think. This time, I have 36. GASP I'll never lose weight. I talked to the leader, and because I'm still nursing, but not nursing a baby that is only nursed, I removed 3 points, down to 33. I wanted to remove 6 points, cut the nursing points bonus in half (nursing moms get 12 points extra) but Vince thought that was too many. We will see, if I loose at 33 I'll stay there (although I lose a point when I lose a pound because of where my weight is). I just might drop down to 30 if I don't lose. I was impressed that the leader was supportive of nursing, and did not once ask if/why I was STILL nursing. Good for her.

For now, both Vince and I are doing flex, the plan where you count points. At some future time, we may switch over to core, once we are used to eating better and not so much.

We went to the meeting together yesterday. My sister was around and watched Syd. I want to be able to go with him all the time, but am unsure if that will happen... remember that letter I wrote a while ago? I'm calling her next and see about a night meeting where children are welcome. I know Vince will be more comfortable if I'm there with him in the meetings, at least at first. When we were getting the paperwork done, a regular member meeting ended. 3 men walked out, and about 45 women. One staff member there was a male... funny he did my weigh in, and a woman did Vince's.

So we are off and running (counting). As you can see from my ticker, I have plenty to lose.

My motivations for weight loss... the leader encouraged us to put it in writing...

I want to look better.
I want to be able to wear more fashionable clothing.
I want to be able to wear cute clothing found on the clearance rack.
I want to be healthier.
I want to feel better in my skin.
I don't want roller coaster rides to be tight on my hips.
I want my seat belt to fit better.
I don't want movie seats to be tight anymore.
I want to live longer.
I want to eat healthier.
I want to eat less process and fast foods.
I don't ever want to read that "maternal habitus" (read: my fat) interfered with a ultrasound ever again.
I want to be able to run with Sydney.
I don't want to ever worry I won't fit into the MRI machine.

At some point in the future, once I've lost a bunch of weight, I want to try to have another baby. I want that pregnancy to be healthier than Sydney's. I can't control the IUGR, placental stuff, but I can control my weight. Somehow I avoided gestational diabetes, hypertension, and pre-eclampsia, all of which weight makes much worse.

I'm done being fat. Last time when I reached this point emotionally, it was when I realized that the fat was costing me a baby. I lost 35 pounds, and got pregnant the first cycle. I firmly believe that the weight loss let my hormones get normal enough to get pregnant. I think that next time with even less extra weight hanging around, I could have an easier or healthier pregnancy without all that weight messing with the hormones.

Last time the fat was costing me a baby. This time it could cost me being able to raise my baby, and that is just too high a price to pay for Twinkies and cookies.

UGGGGG My MIL

2007-06-05T00:16:00.000-06:00

I'll start off with something pleasant... pictures of Sydney on our vacation.

Now onto my rant....

So the MIL has been whining that we don't come around... again. So we went over tonight.

Some things to note as you read:

It is summer here. On the way home, the sign at a bank said 82 degrees Fahrenheit.

Sydney is an independent gal. She HATES socks.

Typical attire here in the summer is shorts and flip flops.

When MIL gets home, she starts in about the fact that Sydney did not have socks on. I was wearing flip flops, basically I HATE wearing socks when the temperature is above 75. I mentioned this and that Sydney just takes them off and looses them, so why bother. MIL said "Because her feet get dirty". So I'm to stain treat socks that get lost anyway so I don't have to give Sydney's feet an extra scrub in her bath? I thought skin washes.

Then MIL starts in on Sydney's knees. She said that if I had pants on her, her knees would not be getting dark. UGGGG So I have to have a ton of pants with holes in the knees so her knees don't get dirty... plus the fact that it is hot and I don't want her to be uncomfortable? WTH?

What I'd like to say to MIL is maybe you should mop your floors once in a while. She has all tile floors and Sydney's feet were FILTHY when we got home. Wanna see?

Yes, that is all from her being at my MIL's house and crawling on the floor. YUCK.

If you can tell, I'm much more upset about her questioning my mothering, once again. I cannot please that woman.

DH has a bad habit of putting people on speaker phone. He did this last week when we were en route to our camping trip. MIL told him she did not know how to make me happy, nothing pleased me. I held my tongue. I asked Vince what she wanted. At Sydney's birthday, I thought I welcomed them and that I told them how much I liked and appreciated Sydney's present. I mean I did not clap and jump for joy, but that would have been over the top for diapers, pj's and socks, really. I don't know how to please her, and frankly I'm done trying. I'll be polite and that is about it. I can't stand her, and if DH did not love her I'd have nothing to do with her.

She was complaining about the pictures of Sydney she has. She wants me to make more. She was complaining about the top of Sydney's head being chopped off on one... I moved it around in the frame, problem solved. She has never paid for a single picture. She demanded several from our wedding, which my mother paid for. She demanded a copy of the wedding video, which I paid for. She got angry when I handed her the order form and price sheet for the wedding photographer. I don't think she bought one. She helped herself to so many pictures of Sydney that my brother used his employee points to buy, that I had to buy more for me and my mom, and for my brother... and we bought a lot. She demanded but did not pay a cent for 10 graduation announcements for my husband's graduation. Money was VERY tight, and I skipped lunch twice to cover this.

This is the woman who went ballistic during my c-section, and has yet to apologize. This is the woman who got up in arms when she learned grandparents could visit at will, and she demanded her own bracelet (the golden ticket into the NICU) and then came ONCE to see Sydney, when we were there. She visited Sydney twice when Sydney was in the hospital. TWICE. My mom went almost daily during the week. Some sibling or other came to see me during the weekend. I had friends that came and saw Sydney more than MIL. She is so frustrating.

Since you have listened to my whine, here are some very cute pictures of my darling baby.

Tonight...

Home all day

2007-06-04T14:53:00.000-06:00

So I felt like utter crap today, so I stayed home. Not that I have loads of leave to cover this, but I'll survive. My sinus are hurting and I ache, basically I just did not want to go to work.

Maybe I'll work 9s or 10s to cover today the rest of the week... that would be something to see.

So I'm up here typing thinking I'm not being a neglectful mommy. Sydney was napping on the living room floor. I'm thinking she can't fall off that, I covered her with a blanket, all is well riiiiiight? HA, Sydney is smarter than her mommy.

See Sydney is a mobile baby. She can crawl very well. She pulls her self up very well. She can climb on the couch. She can climb the stairs.

I hear a little happy Sydney noise and go check on it. Seems she mastered the makeshift baby gate I made at the bottom of the stairs of purses and bags and was climbing the stairs. She was silent as she did this. I caught her halfway up the second flight of stairs. (We live in a split level home.) She was chasing the cats, her new favorite past time, and their least favorite thing to do. She yelled "Cat" which is when I got up and found her on the stairs.

She and Thomas, our grey cat, are having problems. Last night I let her crawl into the kitchen and was listening in the living room. I heard her laughing and went to investigate. She and Thomas were under the table, and he was hissing and swatting at her. I grabbed her and yelled at him. She thought this was all very funny. She got a small scratch on her face, we have been putting neosporin on it. Vince cut Thomas' nails, and now we are super watchful. Salem and Tigger are very tolerant and actually seem to like Sydney, but Thomas does not. If this keeps up and we don't work something out, Thomas will get a new home in short order. I love my animals, but I can't have an animal endangering a human member of my family, much less my baby. We told them that Sydney was our kitten, and Salem and Tigger seem to understand, Thomas does not. We are trying to help him have a better life, by paying more attention to him and playing ball with him. He loves to play fetch.

Everything is a cat. Dogs, people food, etc. All are cat. She loves saying cat. She says Mama and dada, but I don't think those words have meaning yet, but Cat has meaning. She makes a lot of noise and talks a lot.

She is starting to reject baby food. Today I fed her re-fried beans for lunch. She loved them. I think baby food is too bland. I put some enchilada sauce on the beans and she ate them up. She drinks from straws. We give her 8 ounces of Pediasure daily, and sometime she takes it very easily and sometimes not. We are trying to help her maintain weight gain, as she is slowing down on her eating as a whole.

She has cut a canine tooth on the top. No front teeth, just a canine tooth. It looks a bit odd with the two bottom teeth and a canine tooth poking through.

She weighed 13 pounds 9 ounces when we took her in for her year check up and shots. Poor baby really knows what those are. She starts to cry once she sees the syringe.

She is into everything. She climbs and looks. She loves watching and grabbing things out of the printer, which is on a low shelf... I think it may be getting a new home very soon. Pulling DVD's off the shelf is a very fun game.

Sometimes she acts like a very "big" girl and is very independent. Sometimes she still acts very much like a baby, and curls up in my lap in a little ball and nurses. She is growing up so fast. Yesterday she wanted me to hold her against my chest like I did in the NICU, and she was nearly too long. I remember how small she was all swaddled on my chest I would hold her like that for as long as they would let me. Sometimes the staff would leave us alone like that for hours, sometimes they would bug us after half an hour. I remember one day when I was snuggling her on my chest, a nurse told me she had to go back into her bed so the doctor could examine her as the doctor was on rounds. He heard this and told the nurse that my cuddling Sydney was very important and to leave us alone. So she did, and I held Sydney for a very long time that morning. I only put her back because I REALLY had to pee.

I'm so very proud of my tiny big baby. I can't imagine where a year went.

Shameless Wicked Video

2007-06-03T21:09:00.000-06:00

I LOVE this play. I found this video of the two talented actors I was able to see when I saw the play in LA. When I saw the play, I cried nearly the entire way though this song and to the end of the play. It was so very moving. More Wicked commentary to come.

On Fleas and Ticks

2007-06-03T15:00:00.000-06:00

A blog that I was a regular reader and commenter on has been self imploded... Drfleablog is no more.

Flea had been blogging about his current ongoing malpractice trial. I found him very interesting and stimulating reading. He posted several very well written and researched posts about vaccines and why they are not the destructive force that the anti-vaxers claim they are. Is is silly of me to say that reading his vax series is one of the reasons that Syd is vaxed? I hope not, because the articles were just what I needed to counteract some of the very false and misleading information I was getting from the anti-vax foes.

Flea was outed at his trial. The case settled. He was then outed on a front page above the fold article in the Boston Globe.

I feel very sorry for Flea. I've read on other blogs that patients are leaving his practice. From previous posts, he was not doing all that well in his practice because of a lack of patients. Other legal bloggers are wondering if his malpractice carrier will stick with him, as they may consider some of his posts hindering his defense. I enjoyed Flea as a blogger. Looking at his picture and the articles on his practice's web site, he seems like a doctor I would like to have. It is sad to see a situation where someone you "knew" life seems to be imploding.

I'm learning from the Flea. I'll talk very little and in VERY vague terms about my clients and employment. Over the next while, I'll be editing posts as I feel needed.

Been a quiet May

2007-05-30T22:01:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the silence. I've been dealing with some pretty strong emotions lately. My baby turned one. She is doing so very well. She weighs 12 pounds 8 ounces. The ped is a bit worried about her weight, so we are now giving her pediasure. Well we are fedding the more affordable Wal Mart brand, but same thing. She likes it a lot. Wanna get dirty looks ? Feed your baby something that looks about 5 months old a bottle of a chocolate liquid in public.

Syd is VERY mobile. She is an excellent crawler. She can climb all the way to the top of our stairs in our split level home. Tonight, she climbed onto the couch for the first time. No longer is she a lump... she is now a baby on the move.

Embarassing things I've fed Sydney...
Beans from Taco Bell
French fries from any number of places
Diet coke.
Cake and ice cream
icees
among others

I'm struggling with DH lately. The ROTC crap is ongoing. I'm frustrated at his work and lack of a viable job search. I'm just really struggling with him... I'm fed up with being broke and carrying all the load of the home finances. I'd also like to say that Sydney has 2 parents.... I should not be the only one to feed, change, bathe, etc her.

I've been playing Godfather on the X box a lot lately. I also want to run away to Disneyland again. We had a lot of fun there. It was nice to be a family together.

House is a mess. Office is a mess. I'm tired a lot. I feel overwhelmed a lot.

My mom has LOADS of unsolicited ideas about how to improve my life. I'm tired of hearing it.

Am I whining... yeah I guess. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood. Now a poopy diaper awaits me as DH is doing his impression of a log on the living room floor.

Our eighth anniversary was this week. Vince bought me this watch for our anniversary. Course, I picked it out and told him that was what I wanted, but with my husband... that is what I've learned. If I want to get something I want... I have to make it VERY clear what I want. I've given up on being suprised... well after he spent $80 on bras and panties at Victorias Secret for Christmas one year for my Christmas present... I've learned. I really like the watch. I have several watches. I really like them. I have about 4 really nice watches with dead batteries. I should get the batteries changed rather than keep buying new ones. Funny Wendy.

Oh, on a miracle note... my Brother and his wife are pregnant. I have no idea if they were TTC or what, but they are no longer waiting to adopt. They are keeping quiet on the details, so I don't really know much. (Actually they are being stinking WEIRD about this and many other things, but that is another blog post.)

And since Dawn is much better at blogging and posting pics....

Here is a post on Syd's birthday party.
Syd at Strutt your Mutt... scroll Down
Our camping trip last weekend. We went dirt camping... not trailer camping like normal. It was SO stinking cold at night. Thankfully, Dawn gave us the dog's sleeping bag so we did not freeze. We were so under prepared for the cold. That was dumb of us. Next time, we will overprepare for the cold and under prepare for being hot...

Will the real Army Wife please step up?

2007-05-10T09:05:00.000-06:00

So a "Real Army Wife" thinks I suck as an Army wife because I hate the president. MMMM KAY. Jusging by her user name, and that she just registered in May of 2007 and had 2 profile views, one of which was mine, I am flattered she chose to register with blogger all so she could express her opinion to me. You know... you could have posted on a more recent post instead of me hunting to a post from September 2006.

So on my Blinkies post of long ago she posted this gem.

Ok you are a military wife, & you hate GWB? I am sure I am not posting in
the right place, but my question to you is,"How long have you been a military
wife?" How can you be a proud military wife, & not support their efforts- Go
on hating & support terrorism, be sure to vote for a yellow belly democrat
who wants to defund the war to put our soldiers/husbands/wives/sons/daughters in danger- When my husband enlisted into the Army, he knew what he was signing up
for-

Oh really.... I don't remember taking a mindless loyalty oath when I married my husband. I don't remember being required to check my brain when I go on base and by diapers at the PX.

I've been a proud military wife since I married. We will be married 8 years the end og this month.

I'm HIGHLY offended that you take my patriotic questioning of the president and his messed up administration of YES people to be "supporting terrorism." I do not support terrorists who want to kill and destroy everything I love. Last time I checked.... Osama Bin Laden is still alive... He attacked us. Saddam Hussein, while being a VERY evil man, did not attack us, and he is dead.

I'd like to direct you to this quote from Theodore Roosevelt...

"The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole.Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else."
Kansas City Star", 149 May 7, 1918

In order for there to be freedom, there needs to be the ability to question and YES, be VERY angry at our leadership. In order for our country to work... we need to be free to question our leaders.

I can, and AM, an excellent military wife, and I think my questioning the president make me a better spouse. DH did not marry a mindless autontom. He married a woman who thinks and has a brain.

Don't you all just love how all democrats are "yellow bellies" and what are the republicans.... Yes sir Ditto heads? Posts like this one are the reason we have an us versus them problem in this country.

So Real Army Wife... you can sod off.

Taken

2007-04-24T10:04:00.000-06:00

Note: Others have chosen to not talk about this directly. I am choosing to post this in all it's awfulness, not to give the scammer any more attention, but to alert others.

You know, I've never really understood scaming someone for emotional attention.

My brother the Pious and his wife who I like much more than my brother are waiting to adopt got emotionally scammed. They have a profile online and a lady contacted them, saying that she chose them to adopt her twins. They never met in person as the lady lived in New York, and the lady refused to go into the local office of the agency that Bro and SIL are using. She never asked them for money, and they never sent any, but she strung them along promising them that they could adopt her twins. She kept having crisis after crisis. People kept dying on her. My SIL spent hours on the phone and online with her, talking her through these crisis.

Then she was supposed to have the babies on Tuesday, then Thursday, then Saturday... She said she was over due with twins, and the OB was just waiting. I don't buy that and neither did my SIL. My SIL asked for proof that she actually was pregnant, and the lady disappeared.

SIL handled this quite well. Bro got nasty. They were both very hurt.

I felt for them, but thought that since I was not waiting to adopt, I was immune from this type of scamming.

I was wrong.

I hang out online at Mothering.com discussion boards. There was a posted who went by the handle Acamile14. She claimed that her name was Amber Camilleri, and that she was the mother of Sierra Louise Camilleri, a baby born at 26 weeks gestation. She also claimed that she was the wife of a officer in the army, named Ian.

She also had a livejournal page, but that has been taken down.

Again it was similar things. Lots of drama. Lots of very crisis. Sierra "went" through such medical trauma and procedures. If you questioned her at all on the main thread where she hung out, she flipped out, and threatened to leave. So we would all rush to apologize to her as no one wanted to hurt a NICU mom's feelings, not when her baby had to have dialysis. One time while chatting with her, I attempted to gently broach hospice care and to talk to her about her thoughts on that. She abruptly cut me off, and "yelled" at me asking why I wanted to kill Sierra. I was simply trying to see what options they had talked about, and to give her a safe place if she wanted to talk about ending treatment. The way she described her daughter's condition, Sierra was near death every day. "Amber" even concocted another user name "Luceegoose" to have a premature baby in the same hospital as her baby was in, so there was someone who had seen her and Sierra in the hospital.

Boy this lady was good. She had all sorts of stories. The baby was coding. She ended up spending the weekend in the hospital for dehydration. She goes home for the first time in months and the house is a disaster. She is so upset because she cannot see the baby. She was staying at the Ronald McDonald house. She was pumping. She had a neo she called Dr. Doom, whom she fired. She had a respiratory therapist that she hated and fired.

She lied, all lies.

I had this posted to my blog last Tuesday, it was the first clue something was wrong. I should have known something was fishy, but I fell for the whole story hook, line and sinker....

The person claiming to be the mom of a preemie named Sierra Louise is a fraud. She (or he) has been stealing photos of my daughter (born at 25 weeks gestation in Aug. 0f 2005) and posting them all over the Internet, claiming they are of her daughter. I'm working on taking action against this person, but in the meantime, you can visit my website (which has been up and running since the summer of 2005). I think you'll recognize the child in the photos: www.kristinaseleshanko.com/baby.htm
I don't know why sick people do stuff like this; it makes me cry and shake with anger that someone would take photos of my dear girl when she was in such a vulnerable and sick state and use them for their own weird desires.
Kristina Seleshanko

I clicked on the link. I remembered seeing this page when I was looking for information on preemies before I had Sydney. I felt like the world had stopped spinning. When I saw the identical photos, I was shocked and ill.

The rumour is that they were going to let "Sierra" go later that week. She had also told us that her DH was being deployed to Iraq, and had just gotten orders. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Screenshot from the now defunct Livejournal site... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v249/cerulean_me/sierrascreencap.jpg
Link to original picture http://www.kristinaseleshanko.com/9-18-05Photos.htm

It turns out that "Amber" was also on the c2pp.com board, scamming there. She has been banned from C2PP and mothering.com.

I later got this information on a message...

This is from another user who asked that I pass it along:The email of the woman
who's identity she stole is camillerip@apsu.edu. Phyils A Camilleri who is a professor at Austin Pea State univeristy. The IP address she has been posting from is an APSU IP address. Phyils is not Amber. However, she does have a suspicion of the student she thinks did it. Please email camillerip@apsu.edu and tell her what happened along with any links and pictures you may have.
These will be forwarded to the campus police. Also tell her if you sent "Amber" any gifts or money and what address you sent them to. Send this out to everyone.

See this is more than someone stealing pictures, and identity, and stories. I realized as I typed the part where she was so upset that she could not see Sierra, she could have very well stolen that from my blog. Amber asked for and got donations. She hinted she needed gas money, and it was sent. People shipped her goodies, gifts, gift cards, blankets. I was about to take up a collection to hire a maid to get her house deep cleaned.

The only thing toping this scam is the woman who claimed her DH was KIA on a military wives BB. That was bad.

She went and stole pictures of our babies when they were at their weakest. She stole our stories when we were most vulnerable. I'm so very angry and disgusted. It is despicable what she did.

She knew how to hit sympathy buttons. Military family, critically ill baby, overwhelmed mother. Bingo, donations out the wazoo.

Thankfully I am not out any money. I am out time and emotions. I prayed for this family. I put their name on the temple rolls for crying out loud. I spent hours chatting with her, talking her through a crisis. I neglected DH, DD, and my job so she could get her jollies. I'll never get that time back. I'll never get that energy back. I'll never be so trusting again.

Another concern I have is that people will start to suspect me for being a fraud. I'm not. I really had a preemie daughter. I really have a military husband. These are my true stories. These are MY stories, and not up for grabs by any psycho who wants to be disgusting.

Rock and a hard place.

2007-04-23T12:31:00.000-06:00

Ok, some of you know me IRL. I work with some of you, and you are in our circle of friends.... I really don't want you to think that DH is a failure. Please don't judge him. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but please know he has worked very hard at being a success.

DH is likely not going to commission as an officer. It sounds as if his ROTC commander will not recommend him for commissioning. Basically it seems as if the past 2 years of ROTC hell are for nothing.

Why, you may ask? Sure there are things DH could have done to perhaps prevent this. Yes, he is not faultless in this. I'm not going to list his faults. However, who reading this is perfect?

DH did very well with the previous cadre. Then the cadre changed and the atmosphere changed. DH has struggled mightily to create a good impression with the cadre, and he failed. They have a very negative attitude toward him. He hears only negative, even when he is working so hard.

DH is trying to do well in his classes. He has been working very hard this semester, but the cadre are not seeing it.

So that is where we are. The catch is that we received a $500 a month stipend for the last year or so. It appears that the Army will want him to repay that amount by going on active duty for 2 years. They could require us to repay that $7000 ish, but from what I looked at online, it seems he will have to go active duty as an enlisted for 2 years.

Gasp. I am in shock. I did not know this fact.

I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what was going to happen. I don't relish the thought of repaying the $7000 but would much rather do that than uproot.

There is NO way we can make it on what DH's wages would be. NONE. I will still HAVE to work. I have a great job here with benefits, pension, stability. This place does not hire that often. If I leave, there is no guarantee they will have an opening when we come back. I have no guarantee of being able to get a decent job wherever we end up. I'm so worried. I don't want to move and job search. The whole reason we did this was for him to get an active OFFICER commission and me be able to stay home. That is not happening. Now it looks like we will have to move to wherever, and not have enough income, me have to work at whatever I can find. Then we come home, and hope to restart our lives, only I will have lost my job and career service standing?

I'm sickened by this turn of events. The thought of having no control and stuff this big being up in the air is killing me.

DH is so depressed. He is really beating him self up about this. There is such shame and guilt associated with this happening. I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to say. Everyone we know has been planning on him commissioning, and now it looks like he is not. How do we tell everyone?

I already know my mom will think I should stay here. She will think poorly of me if I follow him. I am worried she will give me a copy of 10 Stupid things women do to mess up their lives. She will say she followed a man and it was bad. She will say I am repeating her mistakes.

Am I?

I love DH very much, and I know that he loves me. He and I have been together through hell. We have been together for 8+years now. He was by my side both times I was fired from a post college job (one deserved, one not so deserved.) I owe him that, don't I? I don't want to be the fool, but I don't want to voluntarily live apart from DH for 2 years. That would be choosing my job over him. I don't want him to miss out on Sydney, and I don't want her to not have her father.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'll tell you, every time I tried to type years, I typed tears.

I'll kiss it.

2007-04-18T12:29:00.000-06:00

This morning, I was snuggled safe in my bed. My baby was sleeping next to me. I turned to my side and turned on the Today show, as is my usual morning routine. As Sydney is well known to do, she rolled over to have her back touching mine. If there is a person or cat in the bed, she moves in her sleep to cuddle. This can make the bed a bit cramped at times, but it is cute.

I laid there, warm and snuggled next to my baby, watching the horror from Virginia Tech. I don't understand how God allows this. They were just going to French class, damn it. I worried for Vince, sitting in his math class. I worry for Sydney sitting in her first grade class someday. I worry for my sister in high school. I worry for my sister singing in the choir. I worry for my brother teaching junior high students Utah history.

I'm angry that, once again, we see images of horror and death coming from our television screens. I'm very angry at the shooter. He chained them in. He left them, let them think they were safe, and came back to shoot them some more.

No where is safe. I think of all the horrors which have come through my television set.... maybe I don't want TV anymore. Maybe I don't want the Internet anymore. Maybe I want to just live on a tiny island far far away.

While watching, this interview came on. I laid there snuggling my baby and watched a father show his pain. Stone Phillips is interviewing Joe Samaha, whose daughter Reema was killed in her French class. I heard the profound grief of this father, and cried for him and his daughter.

These words will haunt me, they so eloquently illustrate the depth of his grief. I am so thankful that all I love are safe, and I ache for those who are grieving right now.

Phillips: What questions remain in your mind?
Joe Samaha: Why didn’t she skip class? Why was she there at that time? Why was the shooter doing? What he was doing? Why was he on a rampage?
Phillips: Is there anything more you want to say.
Joe Samaha: I just want to see our daughter. We’re having a tough time doing that. The medical examiner’s office doesn’t have the facilities to reunite the families with their deceased. They said they could provide us with photographs in a few hours.
Phillips: You need to see something, you need to see her face.
Joe Samaha: Absolutely. I need to see her face.
Phillips: And when you do see it?
Joe Samaha: I’ll kiss it.

Open letter to the staff and board of the Ronald McDonald House in Houston

2007-04-16T22:28:00.000-06:00

To those at the Ronald McDonald House....

Welcome to the present. You can no longer bully someone and expect it to stay a secret. Welcome to the modern day where people from across the world can gather together and discuss issues with relative ease.

Welcome to the connected world. I'm sure you never imagined your email server would crash, or your voice mail boxes would be full. Wait until tomorrow's mail. I'm sure when you met with this family, you had no idea the can of worms you have opened.

You are avoiding a nurse in solely because we don't want to disrupt the other families staying at the RMH. Otherwise... Nurse in... I'm thinking nurse ins at all our local McDonald's. That will do both the RMH and The McDonald's corporate image good.

Why don't you Google RMH breast feeding? It's all bad. You can change the top posts to positive ones by your actions. Write a breast feeding is welcome her policy. Apologize to this family. Truly welcome diversity, including nursing moms. Stop giving phony lip service to nursing, and instead support nursing moms with open and whole arms.

I hope all the negative press and negative blog sites are worth it. I hope one day to be able to post the apology you owe this family.

You can stop this. Change your policies, educate your staff, apologize. Know this negative publicity will NOT stop until you change your tune.

I remembered my deep thought!

The outcome of the Meeting with the Ronald McDonald house.

2007-04-16T20:20:00.000-06:00

Here is the mom's post on what happened in the meeting with the execs at the RMH. My comments follow the post.

Ok here is the outcome of the meeting. We got out about and hour ago and I have been trying to find time to post here after returning some phone calls. The meeting was about 2 hours long and included myself and my sister, a representative from the LLL, and a doctor from the area who is responsible for some big research on breastfeeding. I will not mention their names as I have not asked them for permission to do that but we thank them both for their support! We could not have handled the meeting without them. I contacted the suggested LLL person in Texas(again no names) and she sent them right out. She was great as well and worked tirelessly for us today.From the RMH Arlene, the Director of Operations, as well as Naomi, the Executive Director, attended as well as a couple of their board members.
After a very lengthy conversion with many twists and turns the RMH is allowing us to stay. We are from now on allowed to breastfeeding in the communal areas if we follow some rules they have set forth and not too many people complain about it. They said if just one person complains they will tell them they support breastfeeding and discuss with them why they are concerned. If many people were to complain they will have to deal with that as it comes up, they could not say how as they have not encountered the situation.
The rules we are to follow are that we are to be discreet, this is at our discretion, meaning we choose what discreet means but they said they will obviously know if we are not being discreet if people are complaining that they are uncomfortable with us nursing. We are also being asked to inform the people around us before we begin nursing if we think there is anybody that may be uncomfortable with it. We are to tell them nicely that we are going to breastfeed, in case they want to leave or look away.There was alot of discussion about what discreet meant, but after some pretty silly possibilities for discretion they decided it would be up to us as to what that meant. They said they would not bother us about nursing again unless many people complained, which nobody felt was likely to happen.
The RMH wanted us to tell everybody that the RMH supports breastfeeding moms...they were VERY adamant about it. You can decide for yourself if that is true, I am only passing on what they said to us.
Now, at this point, this only applies to us. When asked how other nursing moms would be treated they said they cannot make any changes right in the room but
that they will be examining the practice, or oral guidelines, of asking breastfeeding moms to stop. They said they did not have the power to make policy change, it had to go to the board; which they said they would seriously discuss doing. Obviously alot more was said in 2 hours but this is the gist of the situation. If they really do examine their guideline this could be a really good thing but we will have to follow up to make sure that happened. Please if you decide to write anymore letters(and they received ALOT of letters) please do so to encourage them to reexamine thier guidelines and to thank them for considering it.
Although they were not apologetic to us they have agreed to reexamine their stance and this could be really good for alot of nursing moms. If we handle this correctly this could mean national change for the RMH.We will be waiting to find out how this plays out in the following days and will will update as needed. Lots of media have contacted us from all kinds of large outlets and I am still not sure who, if anyone, I will talk to at this point. We are trying to decide how to best help ALL moms.We want this to benefit moms across the board so me and Jessica will be working to change their guidelines as we go. And the LLL says they will continue to offer us support. We are not giving up on a full scale policy protecting moms, but we will have to wait for a board decision on that. This will take time but I am confident that we can make this happen.
THANK YOU ALL FOR OUR SUPPORT!!!!! Above all if you all had not done what you have done I suspect we would not have had the outcome we did or even had that meeting. Your advice and input is welcome here as to how we should proceed and we will be checking in. Thank you.

Thank you for posting this update. I'm glad Tobin is out of the hospital, and I hope he keeps getting better.

From my point of view... You are doing your best to make the best of this impossible situation that they have put you in. OP, I'm not ranting at you at all. I support you, I'm mad that they made you agree to this to be able to stay there.

I'm pissed as hell at THEM. HOW DARE THEY TELL YOU WHEN AND HOW YOU CAN NURSE! I'm 100% positive that I have offended people by NIP and I don't give a rats ass. I nurse my baby when, how and where I and Sydney desire. NO ONE ELSE FACTORS IN.

I find this to be a condescending and patronizing solution. Please be discreet and don't offend little day and we will "allow" you to nurse in the common room. If someone is offended, you must hide, not them. They are still not following the law. Why must YOU ask if it is ok to feed your baby? Are they making EVERYONE ask if it is ok to eat? Because I am personally very offended by bad table manners, and they should have to go hide, not a baby eating.

I will be calling again tomorrow. They need to know that they cannot get away with this crap any more. With the internet it is incredibly easy to organize and enhance activism. I'm highly offended by this solution. I feel for you being in this situation.

Oh, and as for me, that RMH is VERY breast feeding unfriendly and unsupportive. They say they are supportive of breastfeeding like Imus says he is not a racist.

Later on someone posted this.... my response is attached...

Originally Posted by R
Ah, but they [meaning objecting IL's] KNOW you breastfeed, the other guests at RMH don't (at least at first). But in that case you stand up and remove yourself to a place BEHIND them (not in their line of sight), so they have to actively TURN AROUND to SEE you discretely breastfeeding your babe--better yet, if at all possible, turn your back to them so they can not see you feeding your baby. You have by your act taken their modesty into concern and that is where your obligation ends. R

And NEITHER do the people sitting next to me on an airplane... Should I poll the plane of I can nurse or will that offend someone? How about at church, the mall, anywhere in public.

I WILL NOT MOVE UNLESS I WANT TO. I'm not responsible for them, I'm responsible for my baby and me. They can turn their head. How am I supposed to move on an airplane or a bus?

I guarantee that the gay guys in front of me were a bit wowed when they saw me nursing in the line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, but they said nothing and turned toward the front of the line. I accidentally flashed one of them because DD popped off to protest nursing not laying down. Should I have gotten out of the line? NO.

I also know the lady next to me and DD on the plane was less than thrilled, but that is not my concern. My concern is that DD is being taken care of and loved.

Nursing is not something to hide. I should not have to do gymnastics to nurse. I cannot live my life for fear of offending someone. That is not living.

BTW, and not that this matters, but I'm a discreet nurser, but sometimes DD pops off. I quickly get her back on or cover, but that is because that is what I want to do.

I have a great point I keep forgetting to post, but forgot what it is... sheesh.

Ronald McDonald House in Houston bans nursing in common area

2007-04-16T19:07:00.000-06:00

I'm very angry. The Ronald McDonald House in Houston has threatened to kick a family out because they have the nerve to actually want to nurse their babies in the common area.

I actually called Naomi Scott today. I left her as professional and composed a voice mail as I could. In response to her concern over multicultural respect, I stated that people do not have a right to NOT be offended, but mothers do have the right to nurse in public. I also stated that most countries are much more accepting of nursing that the United States is. I also told her how offensive her comparing nursing to smoking is. Smoking causes cancer, breast feeding reduces the risk of this. I asked her to create a breast feeding positive environment rather than a hostile one. I also stated that if this is not resolved satisfactorily soon, I will be contacting major corporate donors to the RMH whom I do business with to complain, namely Farm Bureau insurance, Coca-Cola, McDonald's, and Stampin' UP (I forgot to say the stamp company, but oh well.)

For me, this is one more example of multiculturalism gone too far. In response to a supposed offense, they have severely offended others. Nursing is not something to hide or be ashamed of, much less to ask a mom to go up to her room 3 stories up from the common area. FYI, the common area is the ONLY place that eating is allowed. Bottle feeding is welcome here, breast feeding is not. How offensive is that! If someone is offended by a baby nursing, THEY don't have to look or THEY can leave. We are talking about a hungry upset baby here. Between adults and babies, babies win every time.

I'm very upset by this. This is discrimination, pure and simple. Someone thinks that the children are too old to nurse so they are going to harass this family because of the staff members' personal beliefs. World wide the age of weaning is about 4 years. AAP recommends breast feeding until at LEAST (not STOPING at) age one. The WHO recommends nursing until at least age two. Well I disagree.

Sydney turns 1 next month. I have no plans to stop nursing her any time soon. I plan on nursing her for much longer. I'm not sure if I will child lead wean, but I love nursing her. It is a great way for me to re-connect with her after a day being apart.

Frankly, I'm very disappointed at their reaction and their insistence to stick to their illegal, immoral, and unethical policy. I think they are being very stupid if they think this will go away and not hurt their donations. They do not get to ignore the law because they do a great thing most of the time.

I honestly think these people all need to leave. I'd like to see them all resign.

Here is her story.

My sister and I are staying in the Ronald McDonald House in Houston because one of her 17 month old twins had to have brain surgery to remove a tumor last week. The RMH has been great and we have felt so blessed to find such a safe and homey place to take care of her other two children and my daughter while we are here for Tobin's recovery. However yesterday my sister, who is nursing the twins, was asked to stop nursing in the communal area of the Ronald McDonald House and to take it up to her room. She was shocked! After his surgery her son will basically only drink breast milk and it is the only thing that eases the constant pain and anxiety he feels.

She told them that it was illegal, according the Texas state law, to ask a breastfeeding mother to stop nursing in any public or private place. She also tried to explain to them how inconvenient it would be for her to take all her children up 3 floors to their room every time her sick child needs to nurse. Unfortunately after 30 minutes of arguing, and being threatened with being kicked out, she was in tears and they weren't backing down. So I headed down there to talk to the administrator because I am also nursing my three year old daughter. I even pulled up the state law on my laptop and after a lengthy discussion the administrator acted as if she was going to examine the law so she understood it and move on. I thought that was the end of it. Today I find out they may be kicking us out of the RMH because we refused to comply with what they call their "interpretation of the law". Their interpretation is that if they provide somewhere else for us to nurse they don't have to let us nurse in public places.
Since when do laws get to be personally tailored to an organizations needs?This is a ridiculous and terrible situation for all of us, I am not sure what else we will do if we can't stay here but we can't just not nurse our children. The Ronald McDonald is such a great resource, why do they have to discriminate against nursing moms?If you would like to send a letter(s) we would appreciate it. Arlene Whatley is The Director of Operations of The Holcombe location of the RMH where we are staying and one of the people who Jessica spoke to about this. It is Arlene that seems to be making the decision here. Her email is awhatley@rmhhouston.org and her phone is (713) 795-3570.Also her higher ups, The Executive Director can be emailed at nscott@rmhhouston.org and the Director of Administration is srichard@rmhhouston.org. This message may also be shared and reposted as you see fit. Thank you all for your support.
**Update**..please read Update posts for a more info but as of Saturday Afternoon(4/14) we are still being asked not to nurse anywhere but our rooms and Arlene, who I spoke to today by phone, has informed me that she will be contacting the Executive Director and their attorneys on Monday about the situation before any other decisions will be made. I have been told by Arlene that she will do what she needs to do and that I am to "be very careful" about what I decide to do. We are being told that we are not being asked to leave right now and that they never meant that we should have to...despite the fact that Arlene told my sister in front of another RMH employee on speaker phone that families who could not acclimate to the environment at RMH should find somewhere else to stay. She admitted this to me on the phone today, that yes she did tell Jessica that...but that did not mean we actually had to leave. Also the day after she was asked to stop nursing(yesterday) Jessica's social worker was contacted by RMH and was apparently told that she may need to help us make other accommodations. The RMH actually contacted my sister's social worker who handles Tobin's case while he is in the hospital and got her involved...because Jessica was nursing and they are not ok with that? I guess nursing means not acclimating to their environment and she was just trying to intimidate Jessica into stopping the nursing of her sick son. I do want to say that aside from Arlene, and the original employee who asked my sister to stop nursing, we have been treated very well here and want to say that the RMH has great employees as well as the ones bullying us.

Here is the update... it gets worse... the Director compares NIP to smoking.

I am still updating the original thread but someone suggested I also post a new one so that it will be easier to find the new information. I just spoke to Naomi Scott, the Executive Director of the RMH Houston, and we(Me, Jessica, Arlene and Naomi) have a meeting this afternoon (tentatively) at 4pm. She came back from her vacation early to handle the situation. Naomi needs to speak to some people before the meeting she said.
Unlike Arlene, Naomi was very pleasant on the phone but she told me that although they are not kicking us out right now that it is a guideline(an oral one) to ask all breastfeeding mothers to go to their rooms to nurse. This is the first I have heard of any oral guideline from anyone. It was never mentioned before. She told me this was because they had multicultural residents here and that they need to protects all the residents from feeling uncomfortable. Because of this they are not changing their stance on us breastfeeding downstairs. She also said that she has received calls from corporate but that each RMH is run independently. They have also received calls from national donors and she said that was uncomfortable and that all of our emails crashed their server(although they have fixed it now) which was costing them money.This is all I know for now but I will be contacting the LLL about representaion of some sort at the meeting and I am going to try and get ahold of corporate myself right now. Thank you all for your continued support..and please keep the pressure coming, we will need it now MORE THAN EVER to make sure all moms have the right to breastfeed at the RMH. Please call or email Naomi Scott at 713.795.3560 or nscott@rmhhouston.organd call or fax corporate if you feel you can as well. Corporate RMHPhone: 630-623-7048Fax: 630-623-7488Please let them know that their apparent "oral guideline" as Naomi put it, of directing employees and volunteers to ask mothers to nurse only in their rooms is not acceptable and that we should be able to nurse anywhere we are allowed to be at RMH. Especially since bottle-feeding is perfectly acceptable in these same communal areas(there was a woman in the common area feeding a bottle last night).

BTW. she never called me back.

Please pray for Sierra

2007-04-09T23:36:00.000-06:00

Sierra Louise is a baby girl born 14 weeks too soon. She has struggled her entire life with infections and other conditions we were blessed to avoid.

Her mom blogs at http://sierralouise.livejournal.com/

Please go pop in and read their story. The family needs prayers, positive thoughts, candles, good karma, whatever you believe. After Amber got some really nasty posts, she had to turn on registration required as well.

Sierra is very sick right now and her parents are having a really hard time. Her daddy is military and stationed about an hour from the hospital. Her mommy Amber is holding up as well as she can, but is lonely and afraid, and I don't blame her one bit for being scared.

I'm praying for the Lord to hold this little family in the palm of His hand.

New videos

2007-04-07T23:40:00.000-06:00

For your viewing pleasure, I have posted several new videos of Sydney on YouTube....

Main site http://www.youtube.com/intorainbowz

Going into Disneyland
We go to the beach
Sydney goes on It's a Small World
Sydney gets a crown
Sydney plays with the Mickey Mouse Balloons we bought her
Sydney goes for a ride on the Merry-Go-Round

See, I LOVE LOVE LOVE It's a Small World. I'm dissappointed I could not post the entire ride... We filmed the whole way through.

I have a couple of photo montages planned, I just need to find where I put the camera. I took tons of still pics.

And completely unrelated to the vacation... Sydney watches the crazy techno frog. It has so many hits because if you search for crazy techno frog on youtube, my video was number 3 (now number 7).

Lumpy

2007-04-07T23:29:00.000-06:00

So hi there ol' Lumpy.

I don't understand the workings of the Lord, not one bit.

I'm praying all this is worry for nothing, I really am.

I'm praying. I'm praying for strenght, inspiration for your medical providers, and for this to all be benign.

Faith, a person I've known online for years and met once, found a lump. She is having tests next week. I'm hoping for much ado about nothing.

Big hug sent your way Faith.

BTW

2007-04-07T23:27:00.000-06:00

The person I spoke of in the post below was my mother. She has no clue.

Last Sunday

2007-04-05T21:52:00.000-06:00

So if you want to see what I did last Sunday, please go visit Dawn's blog. She posted about our day.

Only I'll add that I silenced my mom's phone call while we were eating at the California Pizza Kitchen. She called me back and martyred about Vince telling her he needed to do homework rather than go to her house for dinner. She also was a bit miffed I was not dropping my scrap and bitch session. She really does not approve of me scrapping the NICU stay, and has told me so. She thinks I'm just dwelling in the past, I think I am commemorating my baby's birth and life as well as getting therapy while being creative. Scrapping is a coping thing for me.

Dawn also left of the part where I gave myself a black eye while playing with the make up at Victorias Secret, demonstrating my complete lack of ability to put on black eye shadow. That was nice of her.

Good Friday

2007-04-05T21:50:00.000-06:00

Today I was cleaning the disaster which is our office desk.

In the piles, there lay the ultrasound reports.

Stacked neatly from week 18 on.

Every other week.

Somewhere about week 28, I spilled a Diet Coke on them.

DAMN.

Those reports reflect such a hard time in our lives. EACH and EVERY one of them mentions the high risk of intrauterine fetal demise. They all discuss that the rate of growth is outside of normal At the first one, at 18 week 0 days, I measured 16 weeks 5 days. The dates just get worse from there. Starting at 1/19/2006 to 5/12/2006 I had a level 2 at least once every 2 weeks. March 30, I had steroids. Good Friday last year, I had to have my NST at the hospital because my ob's office was closed. I almost had a baby that day, and my sister was in a car accident. She was driving to get my sister after dropping me and my mom off at the hospital. I was flunking the NST, then I almost flunked the BPP. Finally my mom's cell phone rang during the BPP. It was the police officer dealing with the accident, but that ringing got DD to practice breathing, and she passed. She had 6 minutes to go before the test ended. They gave me 30 minutes. So stinking stressful.

Yesterday, someone IRL told me that my NICU stay was easy. HA. Sure we avoided a vent, but that was about it. Anyway, it is not a contest, but I told that person I did my worrying my entire pregnancy. I spotted at 5 weeks 6 days. I had my first level 2 at 18 weeks. I had at least one u/s a week from then on. I got to have the stress of a high risk pregnancy for 16 weeks. I was on bed rest for 8. My DD was in the NICU for 6.5. I did my time, TYVM.
I'm right in the anniversary time right now and am struggling. I Just wish thing had gone differently. I love DD and would not trade this experience, it is still painful and hard to deal with.

I just wish things had come out differently.

Hiatus over!

2007-03-26T11:25:00.001-06:00

Hi, I've been back for about a week. I've needed some time to screw my head back on.

Random Vacation post mortem:

We had a blast. It was WONDERFUL. We so needed a break.
Disneyland is designed to get you to overspend, which we did with gusto.
The never lost (GPS) feature on the rental care was a vacation saver. It was so cool. I really want one now.
Vince is useless on an airplane. He basically plugged into the Tv's on Jet blue and forgot about me and Sydney. I got really mad at him, and he was like what am I doing, because he is one of those people who when they put the headphones in, forget there is a world out there beyond the headphones.
Wicked was WONDERFUL. I want to see it again. I cried several times. Vince even liked it. It was so very moving and I could just keep typing adoring adjectives, but will stop. There will be a post dedicated to Wicked.
Single Rider at Disneyland California is the best thing EVER. Basically you go to the front of the line. I was in line with a sweet couple on their honeymoon. She got picked first, then the attendant came and got the groom and I and then put us in line next to each other. I hurried and went and swapped with the bride.
There are 2 Sheraton's within shouting distance of Disneyland. Who knew?
MIL will find a way to call at a time which will be most embarrassing, ie when you learn you are at the wrong Sheraton. She will then lecture you. I will post about her too.
It was so very nice to just be with my family. Sydney is so smart.
Sydney cut her first tooth on March 11, the second day we were there. Sydney is a traffic stopper, she is so dang cute. It really throws people to see someone that small sitting, etc. She loves the stroller.
The trip was hard on Sydney. She went on a bit of a eating strike. She lost weight on the trip. We found out the day after we got back, because she was running a VERY high fever, that Sydney had an ear infection on the way home, which would explain the constant crying the flight home.
NEVER eat at the IHOP right by Disneyland. A normal breakfast for 3 adults with tip was $55. That is insane, and the service was not that good. No, no one had fillet Mignon.
It was so nice to stay at a nice hotel.
It was well worth it for the upgrade to the full size car, as we had so much crap.
Sydney thought the Haunted Mansion was a comedy ride. She laughed the whole way through. As we went in, Vince worried that she would be scared. I told him she was too young to know it is supposed to be scary, and I was right.
Sydney hates things that go wosh, ie the doors on the Monorail and flushing toilets.
My sister is a SPOILED BRAT. She went to California the day before we came home. Initially we intended to only spend 2 days at Disney, so I offered to sell her one day at $30. (Full retail price of one day park hopper ticket $83+tax.) She really made a stink about this. I figured I was saving her $50, and the tickets were not free for us, they were part of our package. Then after 2 days we had not done all we wanted, so we wanted to go again. I'd already committed to selling her the ticket, so we ended up purchasing another one at full price ($63 for one park). I'm really upset at me for agreeing to do that. It ended up costing me about $35 to save her $50.
Vince wants to move to LA. I'm in the HELL NO camp on that one. I don't want to live there. I miss the ocean and the palm trees, but I have no desire to live there. Anyway, we would only be able to afford a shack in an awful neighborhood.
I have some great pictures and video I'll post.
When we were eating at an in park restaurant I said to Vince, I don't know why we never came here to eat when I was growing up. When I saw the tab, I understood. $40. Two large and very good dinners for Vince and I, a REALLY good piece of chocolate cake (really big too) and sodas. As this was a buffet style place, no tip.

I have a lot of things to post, so I'm going to get cracking.

Public Service Announcement: Re working mothers

2007-03-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

Written in response to a PM I recieved on a BB I hang out on....

To whom it may concern:

I don't want your opinion on my working. I'm not giving my opinion on your family planning/SAHM status, why do you feel privileged to do so? We were talking about a completely unrelated subject, and you chose to bash me for being a working mom.

I had a very welcomed and longed for but unplanned pregnancy, not that this is ANY of you business. We had been planning to do intensive IUI then IVF after DH graduated from college. I'm the breadwinner right now. However, I got miraculously pregnant all by ourselves ahead of schedule.

When I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was overjoyed beyond measure. I also knew I would be a working mama. Or I could be broke and homeless with no health insurance. Or I could have aborted a miracle. Those were my three options. (And actually the third one was no where near an option. As was number 2.)

You say you are pro-life and that you would not have had children if you had to work.... again what would you have had me do in this situation? Me personally, I chose to give life, love my baby and DH, and enjoy my family. Family is first, work is a far second.

I'm so glad that your life was so planned that you did not have to work. I do have to and choose to work. I also LOVE working. My DD is very loved and very attached to me and DH. I consider that I might want to be a SAHM, but right now that is not in the cards. I think that DH and I are the best parents we can be, day care included. We did give how to raise her a second thought BTW. We read, studied, and planned. We were prepared parents, even if to you we do not appear to be, because DD was born before we were both out of college, home owners, and financially stable.

Joy does not wait for the check book to be balanced.

I refuse to let you guilt me with your claims of children are best cared for in their homes by their parents... BS! I've seen PLENTY of SAHM's who do nothing but watch TV all day. DD is in a day care where she get attention and yes LOVE. She is loved by her DCP, by the DCP's children and by the other children, and she loves them. Yes this is not a mother's love, but I believe that children need to have a loving environment no matter were they are. She gets loads of attention and love from me 16 hours of the day. She is with DCP 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Otherwise she is usally with me or DH. I've actually read a study but can't remember the link stating that SAHM's and WOHM's spend about the same amount of time with their children.

I don't go around lecturing SAHM's about how I think they should be working, as I firmly believe that every woman should have the choice to stay home if that is what she wants and can afford it. I do not believe you have any right to feel above me because our lives are very different.

I have a wonderful job which is very flexible and compatible with mothering. My situation may not seem perfect, but it is the working very well for us. Who's situation is perfect, anyway?

Oh, and if you are saying Don't be offended but...well then, you know what you are saying is offensive and judgemental.

And just in case you are wondering what she said to spark this entry... I'm pasting the relevent parts of her message...

Honestly, I do not EVER judge women for returning to work after having children because that is a very personal decision and sometimes a necessity. I planned my family for over 5 years and one of the first things that we agreed upon was that one of us would be a SAHM because I did not ever trust anybody to provide as much love and care as me or my partner. Not saying that DCP's aren't loving and nurturing, but I wanted that for my children from *ME*. Don't take offense to that (because I know many mom's would/will), but personally I feel that a child is best cared for by mommy or daddy at home. And I think there are a lot of people in this world planning families and not even giving that a 2nd thought. Again, personally, I wouldn't have even contemplated having children if I had to work. I just didn't want that for my child(ren). I am 40 and my oldest is 2. I waited until I knew that I was going to be her caregiver 24/7. But again, that's not always possible, so you have to give up some things that you normally wouldn't have had to.

Some of those lactivists make me laugh. I think the vast majority of them are probably pro-choice. So, it's ok to choose to end the life of a fetus, but it's NOT ok to feed that same baby formula? WHAT? I just have to laugh at half of those posts. Again, I'm a huge advocate for nursing your child, but I'm more of an advocate for loving your child.

Sorry to have offended you, but I call it the way I see it and so many people can't handle that (i.e. the closed thread).

Seat Belts

2007-03-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I'm a huge proponent of seat belts. I believe that not using a seat belt should be a primary offense, allowing law enforcement to pull you over and cite you for it.

Seat belts save lives. I'm alive because of one.

So today some co-workers and I went to lunch. We all went in a state owned mini-van, as we were also going to a meeting after. It is state law and policy that employees wear their seat belts while on the job, and after as well.

One of my co-workers did not put on her seat belt.

I asked her to. I got a "yes mommy." as she grudgingly fastened the belt. I told her that yes, I am the seat belt nazi.

See, it was not just endangering her to not be wearing her seatbelt. It was endangering all of us in the car because if we are in an accident, she then goes flying around the car, hitting others.

I am like, put on your damn seat belt. It's the rules and you should not have to be reminded.

Banned Books

2007-03-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

I got this idea from Faith and Trista.... Lets talk about banned books I've read.....

I have a REAL problem with censorship. Just because someone writes it, that does not mean you have to read it. I also, as a parent, have the right to chose what Sydney reads until she is mature enough to handle it, to understand it. As a parent, this is not censorship, rather guidance. I will be giving her a copy of Are you there God, it's me Margret when she is about 11.

Plus, I know that as a parent who was a child, she has access to the school and public library. I'd rather her be open with me about what books she is reading, rather than hide them as I did. My mom was appalled to find Killer Clown in the pile to go back, but by then I had read it. I was smart enough to know she would object so I hid it when I checked it out and took it to school and read it there. BTW, this was on the recommendation of my 8th grade history teacher. (Side note, WHAT was he thinking recommending that book to an 8th grader. High school junior or senior, sure, but an 8th grader)

A prime example of this would be the new James Cameron "documentary" where he claims to find the bones of Jesus. As a Christian, I don't believe that is possible as I believe Jesus was resurrected. And FTR, James Cameron may have produced one of my all time favorite movies, Titanic natch, but I don't see him as a spiritual leader, and what ever he says won't shake my faith one bit. I however support his right to say what he wishes, but I chose not to watch the show.

In honor of my going and seeing the play, I just bought Wicked the book, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who think that book belongs on here.

From http://www.ala.org/ala/oif/bannedbooksweek/bbwlinks/100mostfrequently.htm

I've bold-ed the one's I've read and my commentary on selected books is blue. The ones I've never heard of are green.

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain Funny how this banned book was mandatory reading in high school. Much more depth to this story than Tom Sawyer.
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck No, but I read Grapes of Wrath
Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling I can't believe that anyone tried to ban Harry. I've read the entire series at least twice, and read books 1-6 again in order while on bed rest. I can tell you exactly what I will be doing on July 13 and July 21.
Forever by Judy Blume
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier Another banned book which was required reading.
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger I know something is lacking in my education that I have not read this book.
The Giver by Lois Lowry
It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine I used to read these like crazy when I was in Junior High.
A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
The Color Purple by Alice Walker Does seeing the movie count?
Sex by Madonna Flipped through a copy that a friend's older brother bought... We did this hidden and in secret. The same woman who made this book now complains her daughter wears too tight jeans. Wendy shakes her head.
Earth's Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
Go Ask Alice by Anonymous Does reading the Q&A on the website count?
Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak You're kidding me, right? Someone tried to ban a book by the author of Where the Wild Things Are? Wendy makes a mental note to check this book out at Barnes and Noble and likely buy it for Sydney.
The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
The Witches by Roald Dahl My mom read this book aloud to us after we saw the movie The Witches and my brother loved it.
The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
The Goats by Brock Cole
Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
Blubber by Judy Blume I was read this book in elementary school, and read most of her books.
Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam Why do I believe this is a banned book because W stands for Witch? People sure try to ban things about witches.
We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
Final Exit by Derek Humphry
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood This book is on my list of books to read. I have wanted to read it since I saw the movie of the same name... Very scary movie.
Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
What's Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras AAAKKK Puberty. It's Dirty, lets hide from it and her monthlies will never appear. Remember girls, it's called Men Stru Ation... That last sentence is a reference to a book on this list... 10 points if you are the first one to guess which book.
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee Another banned book which was required reading. I loved this book and have read it many times, years and years ago. I want a daughter named Scout.
Beloved by Toni Morrison I'm bolding this, even though I did not finish it. I had a very hard time getting into the book and plowed through about 100 pages before I gave up.
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
Deenie by Judy Blume
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes Another required reading banned book. I remember it moving me to tears. I really should read this one again.
Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein MIL bought this one for Sydney. My only complaint is that it does not have the "Sick" poem where the character goes "I'm sick today.... What do you mean, it's Saturday? I'm going outside to play." I guess I'll get the other book. I was read this book aloud by teachers and my mother.
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice) Read plenty of her other books, but I don't recall reading these... those dang witches. Gotta ban them.
Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
Cujo by Stephen King
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl Why would they ban this book? I don't remember any witches or sex?
The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell Check this one out or purchase with a credit card... get a visit from the FBI. ;)
Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
Ordinary People by Judith Guest After the movie also on my I should read this list.
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
What's Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume I've read this one countless times. I wanted my period to come. I wanted to see pads with a belt and hooks. I wanted a better relationship with my mom.
Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
Fade by Robert Cormier
Guess What? by Mem Fox
The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
Lord of the Flies by William Golding Another required reading banned book. Poor Piggy.
Native Son by Richard Wright
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Fantasies by Nancy Friday
Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Jack by A.M. Homes
Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
Carrie by Stephen King
Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
Family Secrets by Norma Klein
Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
The Dead Zone by Stephen King
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain Hey everyone.... I'm having so much fun packing and cleaning! I think I'll be nice and let you come and pack for me!
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
Private Parts by Howard Stern
Where's Waldo? by Martin Hanford Well, there are adult images drawn into the pictures... plenty of T&A in those drawings. Still a fun way to spend some time. I HATED the page where they were all Waldos and you had to find the only one which was drawn correctly.
Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman My mom has a copy of this book. She would read it to us. I just thought it was a cute book until I grew up. The book is in her living room.
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
Sex Education by Jenny Davis
The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell I was read this book by teachers and my mom. Oh those subversive second grade teachers.
View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

Wow this list makes me want to go buy some books.

Preparations...

2007-03-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

Here is a short list of things which must be accomplished before we leave for LA...

ASAP:

~~Change return air~~ DONE!!!
~~Change car rental~~ Got a great deal though Hotwire.

Immediate:

~~Find out how to transport frozen breast milk... ie what type of ice packs I can use~~ Answer after 15 minutes on hold: See through gel type packs
Get a neighbor to feed the cats.
Pump and additional 4-8 ounces for the grand total of 20 which I wish to leave with our friends watching Sydney for the whole day. I have 11 ounces now!
Buy Imax tickets to guarantee entrance to Star Wars exhibit.
Call credit union to tell them we are going on vacation so they don't freeze our cards like last time.

Find, organize, and charge the following electronic devices and their cords - clearning memory as needed:

Camcorder
Camera
Ipods (update playlists)
Trouble shoot DVD drive on Vince's laptop (shows as working fine, won't play.)
Laptop
Cell phones - ~~Decide if we are switching service before or after we go.~~ No, I'm too busy.
Install camera and editing footage onto laptop.
Set DVD player to record 24
Breast pump and accessories

Figure out by Thursday:

What type of clothes to pack - winter or spring?
How many clothes we need to purchase
Go clothes shopping on Wednesday
Do we need more luggage?
What are we using for carryons/bags at parks
Buy locks to lock diaper bag to stroller and stroller to fence. DH is worried about them getting stolen.
Buy new gel type clear ice packs.

Clean:

Laundry
kitchen
Living room
downstairs bathroom
Empty trash cans and fridge of spoilage on Friday night.

Work:

Logs must be current (my own rule, I am 3 months behind)
PCP's scheduled
Office cleaned.

Pack:

Electronic gear
clothes for 3.
personal care items
dressy outfit for both DH and I
~~Figure out bags for car seat/stroller and checking these.~~ We are gate checking these. Sydney HATES the car seat, so I imagine that we will use the stroller to carry the car seat while I wear her. We do have a travel system, which is very nice. I read to never check the car seat with your luggage because if it gets delayed you are stuck at the airport with no carseat. If you gate check it, the you have the best chance of it actually making your flight.

Just looking at this list, I am overwhelmed.

I hate traveling with the whole damn house, but I see no other options. We will go from Saturday to Wednesday am with no access to laundry. I'm thinking I need at least 6 (maybe 8) outfits for baby girl.

Defy Gravity!

2007-03-02T00:10:00.000-07:00

Guess what is playing in Los Angeles....

It only opened February 21, 2007....

I'm going March 13, 2007.

We are sitting in very good seats.... and paying a pretty penny for them too!!! I was able to get tickets from Ticketmaster, so we at least I did not pay scalper prices. (But I was ready to pay that once I realized it was playing in LA.)

Figured it out??? Of course you have, my readers are very smart!!!!!

I get to see Wicked. I'm so very excited. I cannot wait. I have wanted to see this play so very bad. I so love the story and so love the music.

Yes, Vince is coming, but I can't help but think that was a waste of $100. I'm really thinking of taking our friend in LA who will be watching Sydney and leaving him with the baby. Hopefully he will like the story. I mean, a play CANNOT be that successful with only women and gay men fans? Right???

I'm sleepy.

2007-03-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have more readers!!!! Yippee and welcome. All the nice comments got me thinking.... I should post!

I took Sydney yesterday to get her Synagis shot. ($150 + $20 copay to doc.) She weighs 11 pounds 13 ounces. She has gained 9 pounds in 9 months, give or take. She is getting taller and gaining some chunk. I'll post some new pictures soon. She has two teeth which have not popped out yet. I'll be glad when they do. I'm very glad to see she is gaining weight. I'm having supply problems, and I was worried about her weight. The ped said he thinks her weight gain is excellent.

ROTC is just kicking Vince's butt. He is trying to do a good job, but they keep changing the rules on him. He is trying to do his OPORD, but they seem to be expecting A LOT more from him than everyone else. If you compare what they want from him to what they accepted last year and OPORDS from other cadets this semester, his is way more detailed. I know because he showed me them from the web site. They have his confidence shattered and he is so depressed. Someone there has been implying that if he does not succeed in the ROTC program, that makes him a failure, in all aspects of his life. He keeps saying what a lousy father and husband he is. I know this is coming from ROTC. (They also seem to feel that his difficulties at ROTC are because of marital problems. They wanted me to come in and talk... I refused, because then I WOULD give them a piece of my mind, which would not help Vince.)I'm really trying to be balanced and not take Vince's side and defend him, as I know there have been times he could have worked harder, done better, etc. I do not believe this is one of those times. The cadre keep telling him to ask for help, but then expect him to have the solution already figured out, so why ask for help? He is getting nothing but negative criticism from them. Could they throw him a freaking bone and say this is better than the last one, because it is?

I'm very worried about him. He seems so defeated, so downtrodden upon. I'm very unhappy at whomever is insinuating that if he fails at the ROTC program that makes him a bad husband and father. ROTC is school, family is family. If you have to be perfect in your entire life to be a good spouse/parent, we are ALL screwed. Hell, I've been fired twice. Does that fact alone make me a bad wife? I don't think so. I think that your job performance is a part of you as a spouse/ parent, but only as far as you are trying, providing for the needs, and that the job does not take over your life. ROTC has taken over his life. His other classes are suffering, again, because of the demands of ROTC.

I wish I could just make this easier on him, but I can't. He is so sad. He is staying up all hours trying to please them. I've been staying up too to try to help, and am exhausted. I'm also going through an insomnia phase right now. These happen to me, and I usually take an ambien for a couple of days to break the cycle. The problem with that is Sydney nurses all night. We are co-sleeping, and you really should not co-sleep and take sedatives. I'm too afraid I'll roll over and kill her to take an ambien. I took 5mg while pregnant, as I had an insomnia spell then. They did not drug me that bad, but I took 10mg while in the hospital when I was very upset and exhausted, and it drugged me up so much, I some how out both contact lenses in the same well.

I'm really worried about our vacation now. I'm worried Vince will not be able to relax and we will have a nightmare of a time. He wants to bring homework. I think he needs a complete get away. He will have 4 days after we get back to study.

Exposed

2007-02-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time posting. I have tons to say, but after my drive by nastiness, I feel very vunerable. I've always known this is out there on the web, but this is the first time that I've dealt with anyone being so hurtful. In fact, up until that poster, my only kinda negative post was someone who disagreed with me about re-naming Hill Airforce Base. That was not a big deal, this one is. I know that others have been attacked more personally than I, but this was my first time.

Anon I'm reclaiming myself from you. You don't get to win. Your nastiness will not prevail. I'm considering removing your post because I can. Anyone but the anon person, should I remove the post?

Last night I attended an infant massage class. The presenter went around the room and had the moms tell their birth stories. I went last because of where I was sitting. I was the only women in the room who had a scheduled c-section, preemie, nicu stay. That's a good thing, I guess but I felt very alone. Other women fought against their c-sections, went into labor. I scheduled mine. The presenter was trying to be sensitive, but she kept talking about how the baby being squished down the birth canal is good for them. She is right, but I just felt left out.

One other mom there talked about how positive her birth was, but that breast feeding did not work out. She almost started crying. I had talked to her prior to her birth about nursing and she had seemed very excited about it. I was suprised when I saw her formula feeding. I will admit I had been a bit judgemental about that, until I heard her say that she was very dissappointed that nursing had not worked out. My heart ached for her.

Changes in comment policy

2007-02-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

You may or may not have noticed that I have changed the comment policy on my blog.

I'm sorry, but you will now have to be a member of the blogger community and log on to comment. You will have to sign your user name.

I don't want to do this, but my blog was just hit with a very nasty comment, left anon of course.

It's attached to my Senseless Horror post.

I have no problems with disagreement. I have a problem with people leaving spiteful and hurtful comments and me not have a way to respond to them. I can't go email you. I can't even go leave a nasty message on their blog.

I'm a big believer in accountability. I ALWAYS sign my name, or post that I'm too lazy to sign in, on people who have not switched to the new blogger, and post my user name there.

BTW, to the person who posted that hurtful message. I'm so glad that you are perfect. I would rather not be homeless and hungry. I work so we have a home, food and health insurance. Are you a perfect parent? I work because I can, and I will not apologize for enjoying my work. I went to college so I could get a good job where my labor matters. I'd love to be a SAHM, but that is not in the cards right now, and frankly I'm not ever sure it will be. I REFUSE to become my mom, 50 something with NO retirement. I'm vested in my employers pension with over 5 figures in my 401K. Anon poster, what are your plans for the future?

I do care for my miracle daughter. I do love her. So what if I work? Do you judge my husband for going to college?

I'm not gross. I'm stuck between being self-sufficient or being on welfare. As an educated able bodied American, I chose to go to work and earn a living, not suck off the system. Anonymous poster.... Are you one of those family's with a SAHM who is on food stamps, housing assistance, getting food from the food bank, getting aid from the church when both parents have the ability to be gainfully employed and self supporting but you stay home rather than go to work to take care of your own family and prove a point? Did daddy write you a big check? Do you work? Not everyone can make it on one income. Not everyone can stay home.

Anon poster, you are an ass. If you are going to post something like that, be an adult and sign your name. Thanks for posting that, you coward who does not feel the need to identify yourself.

I love my daughter very much. My going to work provides for her physical needs. If I stayed home, I would be very irresponsible and stressed out, as I'd have NO money. I'm the breadwinner. Thanks for the drive by shooting.

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY LOVE FOR MY DAUGHTER??? I'm well aware there is a loud mouthed talk show host who shall not be named because she spreads hate who states day care is abusive and that WOHM's are evil. I'm not evil. DD is NOT abused at her day care. Real life is more than a 30 second phone call where the host passes judgement and hate based on the little information she allows the caller to give.

Who do you think you are to post something a nasty as that on my space? Who appointed you judge of my parenting skills based on ONE aspect of how I mother, my working out of the home?

My husband also wants me to let you know that he thinks you're an ass and a coward.

Anon poster.... If you wish to discuss this further, please have the intestinal fortitude and sign your name.

Oh, BTW, most of my know readers are women who are employed. Most work out of the home. I think, anon poster, you wandered into the hornets nest when you chose this blog to post your spite.

Senseless Horror

2007-02-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

Last night, while I was watching Jeopardy, the station broke into the show. And I have not exhaled since.

Yesterday, a mad man walked into a local mall. For some reason, he felt that taking a shot gun with a pistol grip, lots of ammo, and the proceeding to shot innocent people was a grand idea.

5 innocent people killed. 4 seriously wounded. One off duty hero interrupted his dinner to stop the rampage. He will live with that for the rest of his life, as will the other hundreds of people in the mall last night. They will have to live with seeing the shooter, the bodies, the broken glass the blood. They will live with the smells of gun fire. They will live with the sounds of screams and shotgun blasts. They will live with the fear, fear which drove unsung heroes to risk themselves to lower the grates of their stores to try to protect others.

They were there to have dinner, go shopping, or to go to work. They expected to be safe.

How many times have I gone to a mall to shop or eat, and expect to be safe? Will I ever feel safe again?

I was not there. I was planning on having lunch there on Wednesday. I have an all day training in Salt Lake, and my co-workers and I had discussed how yummy Spaghetti Factory would be.

This is a mall I have been to many times. I played in a violin concert there in elementary school. Once we could drive, heading down to the Spaghetti Factory and shopping at Trolley Square was a fun treat for my friends and I. It was so fun to get to drive down to the big city from tiny Brigham City.

We have been there to celebrate. We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for a reunion meal after Vince had been gone on military training. We had just gotten engaged and were disgustingly in love. We went to the Hard Rock again with friends to celebrate my graduation from college.

When Vince's brother was in the ICU at the UofU hospital, depending on the route you take, Trolley Square is on the way. I stopped in there many times during those months of struggle for some yummy candy, window shopping, and retail therapy. I'd bop into the Bath and Body Works to try a new lotion. I'd sit in the massage chairs at the Sharper Image, and snicker about Samantha from Sex and the City and her purchase from the Sharper Image. I'd dream of being skinny and rich enough to buy something from the Banana Republic. When we lived in Salt Lake, we would go eat at Tucci's, an Italian restaurant across the street from Trolley Square, and then we would walk across the street for a movie or window shopping. I have a lot of pleasant memories associated with Trolley Square.

Last night, I heard several news reports say over and over that "this is not supposed to happen here?" I ask where is this sort of tragedy and carnage supposed to happen, anyway? Littleton, Colorado? Los Angeles, California? New York City? Basra? Baghdad? Jerusalem? Darfur? Where on earth is this mayhem supposed to happen? I honestly can't think of a place it is supposed to happen. I can think of many, many places it does happen, but no where it should happen.

It is shocking to see the video on TV. I've been there. When they talk about locations, I've eaten there, shopped there, walked down those hallways. It is gut retching to see familiar places involved in a tragedy such as this. I've seen this sort of thing hundreds of times on TV, but never somewhere so familiar and close to my heart.

I cannot imagine being there. What if I had been there with Sydney? I would die for her, no question about it. I would kill to protect her. I feel so very helpless to protect her from the violence and hatred that exist in this world.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It was hard to come to work today. I had to leave Sydney at day care, and that was hard as well. I just want to take my little family and stay safe in our home. Only, I had nightmares last night, and I kept worrying armed gun men were going to bust into the sanctuary which is my home.

Like Trista, I feel like I'm talking out of my ass. I'm trying to process this nightmare. It is hard to imagine someone actually shooting up a place I know and a place where I felt very safe.

I want my security back.

Look what I found!!!

2007-02-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

So for the total nerd that I am, I discovered this exhibit which will be showing while we are in LA.

We get to see the traveling Star Wars museum show!!!! WOOOT WOOT!!!

Yeah, I bought IMAX tickets which guarantees entrance to this exhibit.

I can't wair to show Vince. He will be even more excited about it than I am.

For Mama Moose

2007-02-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

Mama Moose is a poster on the alternative BB where I hang out.

For some reason, Myspace removed pictures of her nursing her baby, and she has been harassed on a separate BB for having nursing pictures in her signature. In support of her, a "virtual" nurse in has been declared. To particiapte in a nurse in, and to show support, I'm posting pictures of Sydney nursing. I took them myself.

For me, this pictures are an example of a miracle. After her birth, having to EP, her very difficult time learning to eat, and her very high palate, the fact that Syndey nurses is a miracle. She has thrived on nursing. Plus, as I'm basically a lazy person, nursing her at home has made life much easier on me.

More on home birthing

2007-02-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

Today that bill passed out of committee

I found The Senate Site (The unfofficial voice of the Utah majority) where there is an interview with Sen. Dayton about the proposed midwife restrictions. I posted this comment...

I too am outraged at this bill. I am the mom to a baby girl born at 34 weeks, weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, by C-section.
I believe in freedom, less government, and less regulation.

I am amazed that because of conditions specific to that pregnancy I will not be able to home birth. Even if my next pregnancy were to be determined to be a healthy and normal pregnancy, I would not be allowed to home birth as I have a prior c-section, premature birth, and a small baby.

For the record, I would never choose a homebirth for myself, however I am a strong supporter of those who wish to birth at home. I want my daughter to have the ability to chose where she wants to birth, at her home or at the hospital. I also want her to be able to have a trained attendant at that birth, and I feel that this bill will make midwifery so restricted a woman will have to chose between birthing unassisted or birthing in a hospital.

I listened to the interview with Sen. Dayton. She makes the point that family doctors have guidelines on when to refer/consult HOWEVER this is not written into Utah State statute. These guidelines are set as she stated by governing bodies over the doctors. Is this bill the start of turning all governing bodies rules into law? In the future will my OB next have to refer me to a specialist solely because they law requires her too?

I am opposed to this bill as I feel it is one more regulation over the citizens of Utah. I want less government intrusion into my life not more. The original bill created lawful requirements for being a midwife. I fully believe that trained and educated people can make the correct decision. Some of the proposed restrictions on home birth are currently blocked by the DOH rules over midwives.

There are many situations where a home birth would be irresponsible, and I feel the DOH and DOPL rules do a fine job of covering these. It appears to me that the guidelines make nearly all pregnancies "not normal". One of the beliefs of midwifery is that pregnancy is a normal process not an illness or disease. I took an informal poll in my office, all the women would have been risked out of home birthing at some point because of a condition which arose in their pregnancies, mainly the upper weight at birth.

I feel this bill is unneeded and intrusive.

The tale of the bathroom sinks at work.

2007-02-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

So, there is a bathroom here at work.

And the bathroom has two sinks in it.

Whomever selected the sinks did not purchase faucets which match, meaning the the angle at which the faucet sends out the water and the way the water meets the sink usually causes the user to get soaked. They also selected those automatic faucets, which while I the germaphobe, appreciate the lack of touching, the user has no control of water speed, flow or temperature. While there is hot water service to the building, I don't know where it goes, because it does not get to the bathroom faucets. The water is usually freezing, and used to come out with a lot of pressure and force.

Someone decided to "fix" this. Now one faucet comes out slower, but with so little pressure that the faucet is like drip, drip, drip. It is nearly impossible to get enough water pressure to hose the soap bubbles off of your hands. The other faucet also has low flow, but because of some trick of nature, comes out with a lot of speed and pressure, meaning that it feels like little needles are being shot into your skin. Not a pleasant feeling. On the plus side, your clothing no longer gets soaked.

With all the resources available to my very large employer, is it impossible to have a happy medium? I would like a faucet where it neither soaks my shirt nor feels like the water is cutting my skin.

That's all for today. Nothing earth shattering, I'm afraid.

What more do you want from the mother of a teething baby who decided that night time is the best time to express her unhappiness about that?

Utah attempting to gut Lay Midwife law.

2007-02-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_5166202

Orem Republican Sen. Margaret Dayton, one of the most vocal opponents of legislation adopted in 2005 that allowed midwives to legally deliver babies at home, is sponsoring a bill intended to define a "normal pregnancy." ... Dayton was a labor and delivery nurse for five years. And her husband is a retired obstetrician. She says she took her list from a doctor's list of "high-risk" pregnancies.

Bill is located at http://le.utah.gov/~2007/bills/sbillint/sb0243.htm

Here is a jewel of a quote from Sen. Dayton

"People should have the choice: from the highest-end obstetrician to staying home alone in the dark in the bathroom. All the choices are not equal," said Dayton, who introduced her bill Monday. "We need to go back and make some definition of what we have granted."

The direct entry bill finally allowed something BETWEEN high end OB care and being alone in the bathroom. The quote just shows this Senator's anti-home birth bias loud and clear. There are very definitive rules listed by DOPL, and this is an attempt to make rules law, and to expand the restrictions. Current rules, not law, are listed here. Current law is here.

What will risk a woman out?

From the proposed bill

(iv) excludes from the practice of Direct-entry midwifery a pregnancy that involves:
(A) pulmonary disease, renal disease, chronic or active hepatic disease, endocrine disease, neurological disease, a significant autoimmune disease, GBS disease, or isoimmunization;
(B) deep vein thrombosis or pulmonary embolus;
(C) a significant hematological disorder or coagulopathy;
(D) hypertension;
(E) diabetes mellitus;
(F) a family history of a serious genetic disorder that may affect the current pregnancy;
(G) a history of neonatal infection, cerclage or incompetent cervix, an infant below 2,500 grams or above 4,000 grams, a preterm birth of 36 weeks or less, postpartum hemorrhage requiring transfusion, three or more consecutive miscarriages, a miscarriage after 14 weeks, or a stillborn;
(H) a prior myomectomy, hysterotomy, or c-section;
(I) current drug addition or abuse;
(J) positive HIV antibody or AIDS;
(K) any condition, disease, or illness that would disqualify a certified nurse midwife, licensed under Chapter 44a, Nurse Midwife Practice Act, from delivering a child without assistance under the protocols of two or more general acute hospitals in Utah; or
(L) any other condition that may present an unreasonable risk of harm to a
pregnant woman or unborn child.

I've bolded things which would risk me out, even with a healthy pregnancy. I actually would have been risked out from the begining of my first pregnancy as I had prior uterine surgery.

While I have NO desire to VBAC, I'm incensed that a prior c/s alone is cause to risk one out of midwife care. I'm also angry that just because I had one high risk pregnancy, that reason alone risks me out of midwife care, even if my current pregnancy is going fine. And even though my sister may have had a problem that does not mean I will. The "any condition" is so vauge to make it impossible for a DEM to determine if she can actually see this client and maintain her license.

Utah Midwives Association Outgoing President Tara Tulley said Dayton's bill
would end up requiring 96 percent of the midwives' clients to go to a doctor or
certified nurse midwife, effectively ending home delivery. "They're trying to
eliminate our practice," Tulley said.

and

But Utah Midwives Association President Jules Johnston said Dayton has gone
overboard. "If they sneeze, they're risked out."

The article says that there were 96 hb, with 9 transfers and 2 c/s. That is a transfer rate of 9% and a 2% c/s rate. There is no mention in the article of any complications during the transfers or any one case which would cause this representive to propose this, other than her husband's prior occupation and her opposition to the law which allowed direct entry midwives anyway, which allowed women to home birth in Utah with help.

Reports on Utah home birth stats are http://www.dopl.utah.gov/licensing/de_midwife_outcomes.pdf and http://health.utah.gov/opha/publications/hsu/06Dec_HomeBirth.pdf

Excited

2007-02-06T12:14:00.000-07:00

I am so very beyond excited about vacation!!!! I made and advent calendar of sorts on my office door. It is out of blue postits. I'll post a pic once I bring a camera to work. So yeah, I'm excited. Usually I do a count down on a big calendar on my office wall, and cross out the days, but we did not get those this year, so I made my own count down clock.

Sydney got exposed to RSV yesterday at day care. Praise the Lord she got her Synagys last week. She should be covered. The thing about the Synagys is it does not prevent RSV, but it lessens it. If she does get RSV, hopefully it will be mild. I'm still VERY worried about this. She seems fine today.

We are co-sleeping, not because we are really into the beliefs about the benefits of co-sleeping, but rather because it is a way for us all to get sleep. (I believe in the benefits, but Vince is only sold on the idea that this means sleep.) Lately we have been struggling with this a bit. We had been sleeping with me in the middle, Sydney on the outside with her pillow designed for this to keep her from falling out of bed. Then she fell out of bed, so into the middle she went. (Once I moved her to the other side of me, and she fell out of bed before she even had a chance to sweat a wet spot from her head, she has a very sweaty head.) Vince thought that we might both have more room if we slept backwards, with his head by my feet and vice versa. I was not too keen on this because I'd rather wake up to his face, not his feet.

Neither of us know why, but we both woke up at the same time last night. Sydney had somehow wiggled sideways and across our queen bed, and was about to fall head first off Vince's side. She was asleep. I have no idea how she did this. She so far does not crawl. She really wants to crawl and catch the cat, but she does not. I tried teaching her yesterday. So the backwards thing is a no-go, and we are back to being a bit craped. I really wish she did not need to nurse all night, except when she is working on falling out of bed. My back is cramped from being on my side all night.

So far she has fallen out of bed 3 times. Once while I was getting ready to go, and twice at night. It is very scary and I really feel like a dumb parent when that happens.

Can I just SCREAM at Vince for a minute. Thanks. I've been talking vacation for 2 weeks now. He knew when we were going. So last night, I'M ON THE PHONE WITH JET BLUE to book the non-refundable air and the car, and Vince says "I think that is drill." !#%^^**(&^^%$$%^&*** (Insert swear word of your choice here.) So I hang up with Jet Blue and we talk. He hopefully can reschedule (RST) the drill. I went ahead and booked the hotel as it is refundable with a fee. Hopefully he will get the word back soon on RST. I'm just like "What part of can you go do you not understand?" and " Why in the hell did you not check your drill schedule when we started talking about this weeks ago?"

Hello again

2007-02-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

I tried to post last week, and my post got eaten. So in reward, haha, you will get a post filled with grammar errors. Sorry.

Sydney finally got her third Synagis shot last week. She is sitting up and doing wonderful. We are so very blessed. She weighs over 11 pounds. I mentioned to my mom that she is getting big, and my mom was like you are crazy. Of course, my mom's largest baby weighed 10 pounds 11 ounces at birth. What I meant was that my baby is growing up. She is sitting. She reaches for things she wants. She is showing preference for people. She leans toward who she wants. She is getting much bigger than the tiny baby I birthed.

Oh, and contrary to the anti-c/s crowd, I did birth my baby. I gave birth. I may never have felt a single contraction, but I gave birth, same as women who go it no drugs. That particular point irks me no end. I hang out at an "alternative" online BB, and there are some women on there with views on prenatal care who terrify me. Have a home birth, I don't care, but don't judge me my c/s and healthy baby. And don't judge why I have no interest in a VBAC. You have not walked in my shoes. Why is it ok for them to judge my c/s but not ok for me to judge their complete avoidance of prenatal care, just because ALL ob's are SOB's ya know? Go ahead, have your HBA2C (home birth after 2 c/s) for all I care, don't judge my choices. One poster posted that she was upset because a client of hers, she is a doula, had a scheduled c/s. She posted "she had the baby uh... removed." No, I gave birth. My baby was not removed. Tumors are removed, babies are birthed. I really feel something is broken in me for having NO desire to have a VBAC. The thought terrifies me. The thought of a scheduled c/s is comforting. It angers me when I read about access to a VBAC being restricted because of insurance, and I'm supportive of women who want to VBAC, I have no interest in it. Rant over.

Why does my husband think he deserves a medal whenever he changes Sydney's diapers? If I remember correctly, he is equally responsible for her being here. It's like he is doing me a favor or something. His need to be super protective of her is getting on my nerves. I KNOW this is NICU related, but every little thing makes him jump up, almost panicked. REALLY. Last night she was crying because she wanted to be fed. He asks me what he should do. She wants solids, I already tried nursing her. I'm like feed her damn it. I'm doing the taxes. He got all mad, and I was like She is your daughter too. I'm really sick of Sydney seeming to be my project, and he is the helper. If he picks her up from day care, he is doing me a favor. If he feeds her, he is helping me out. I'm trying to empower him to care more for her and not step in at every little thing. Sometimes he makes me want to scream.

We are hoping to go on vacation in March, to Disneyland. I keep getting asked if we are taking the baby.... Hello??? What part of FAMILY vacation do you not understand? Sure, it would be easier without her, but then I would miss seeing her eyes when we take her on Its a Small World. She won't remember the details, but she will remember being with her parents, and we will remember the time we all spent together. So what if we ride the trill rides alone as we swap the baby? Who really cares? I don't believe I do a lot of bonding while on the Indiana Jones ride. Come on. Thrill rides are essentially a solitary activity, shared among strangers. Plus, as I'm still nursing, I'd either have to wean (That's a dumb reason to wean, IMNSHO) or pump. No vacation is a chance to not pump. Plus, I don't think I could be away from her that long, I would miss her so, and so would Vince. I have so little time with her, that when I use leave, I really want to be with her, and with Vince, as a family. All together. Yes, I know this means hauling a car seat and stroller to California. Oh well.

I'm so excited about this. Vince and I have not had a real vacation for 4 years. (Mesquite and Bear Lake don't count.) We are flying, renting a car, and staying at a hotel. We will be there 4 nights but because our plane gets there early and leaves late, we will have 5 full days there. We will do Disneyland for 3 days, Knotts Berry Farm for one, and have a free day to go to the beach and go see friends. I'm counting down.

Vince currently has orders to be gone August-October, and then November to January. Yup, looks like he will be gone for Christmas. Shit. I KNOW this is a part of military life, but that does not mean I have to be celebrating right now. Still sucks, expected or not.

For Trista.... Basically I've been wearing one pair of shoes.... Black Loafers I bought at Target. Just like these, only the toes on mine are all scuffed.

Crikey, what a life

2007-01-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night, the Discovery Channel showed the last documentary that Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, filmed. They also showed several episodes of the TV show. It was a very moving night of television. Steve lived his life with such joy and enthusiasm. They showed one episode where he went to Antarctica and he was able to swim with penguins and then humpback whales. He was so enthusiastic, you almost forget he was floating on an iceberg. He tried sliding down the hill like the penguin. He talked about the circle of life, how the bigger animals eat the little ones, but the little ones are able to get some protection. A elephant seal tried to chase him, and he laughingly told it "I'm a land mammal, you are not going to catch me." after calling it naughty and gorgeous.

I so admire his enthusiasm for life. He found something to be passionate about in everything. Even when he was talking about a whaling plant as a shame of history, he was excited that the volcano was reclaiming the land.

I hugged Vince and Sydney tighter last night. There are no guarantees. Princess Diana died in a car accident. Ronald Regan got Alzheimer's. Eva Peron had ovarian cancer. Steve was killed by a sting ray, in an atmosphere much safer than a lot of things he did in his life, like chase snakes. Life is fragile. The man who held cobras and green mambas in his hand, wrestled with the largest crocs on the planet, and narrated for us at home the whole time was killed while swimming with an animal known for being peaceful and safe.

He seemed to be someone who feel in head first. He loved with all his heart. He loved his family. He loved his animals. He loved life.

One episode they showed was first shown in 2004, called Confessions of the Crocodile Hunter. It had very candid interviews with Steve, Terri, and other family members. It talked about his pain at the death of his mom. Steve talked about Teri nursing baby Bob. They went into the truth behind the "baby Bob incident." It showed clips of Terri giving birth to baby Bob. While they were wheeling her into the hospital, the narrator said something like "after several strict conception procedures" about the pregnancy. Makes me wonder.... Did the Irwin's deal with infertility? Bindi was born in 1998, baby Bob 2003. It makes me sad when I hear of anyone having infertility problems, as I know the pain. I tried googling and found nothing. I hope they did not have this trial, but I'd bet good money they did. How sad for them, and for everyone else who deals with this burden.

This adds a layer of substance, depth, and humanity to Steve and Teri.

Rest in Peace Steve, the world is a better place because you were here. Thank you for showing me the good side of crocs and snakes. I will try to find my passion and live every day to the fullest.

Teri, Bindi, Bob, baby Bob, and Wes my deepest condolences on the loss of someone you love so much. It must be very hard to lose someone with as much presence as Steve. I miss him and I never met him. I cannot imagine your pain.

Unsolicited Parenting advice

2007-01-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people seem to have the need to give unsolicited parenting advice? Am I doing such a bad job that I scream I need help with this? Is there a sign I can't see saying that I'm such a bad mom my baby is about to die?

I think I'm doing a good job at this. Sydney's pediatrician tells us how good she looks. R, Sydney's day care provider, tells me how happy and well adjusted my baby is. Sydney wears clean clothing appropriate for the weather, has had a bath within the last 48 hours (every day dries out her skin), always rides in her car seat. Her cries are attended to in a fairly quick manner, I breast feed her at will, we read to her daily, we have her involved in our daily lives, etc. She is growing, gaining weight, developing, is happy, has bright inquisitive eyes, and is very loved. I think she is doing fine.

HOWEVER, because I can't seem to get her to sleep in her own bed, you would think I'm the world's worse mom, EVER. My mom thinks I should get Ferber and let her cry it out. Frankly, no judgement on anyone who did this, I think CIO is bad, bad, bad. My MIL thinks I should play her Mozart and that will help her sleep in her own bed. I can't hear her cry and not do something about it. Great one more thing I should be doing that I'm not. Sydney listens to classical music when I'm in the mood for it while we drive. Sometimes we listen to Shakira or the Black Eyed Peas. Sometimes we listen to talk radio. Sometimes I just listen to her talk. Johnny Cash has a very calming effect on her, so we listen to the man in black on a fairly regular basis. She's been exposed to Elvis, Kenny Rogers, Celine Dion, Usher and all the other eclectic mix which resides on my Ipod. There is plenty of Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, and Vivaldi on there. I believe there are 4 or 5 MoTab cd's on there. So now because I don't listen to Mozart 24/7, I'm sorta neglectful, or as my MIL said "she should listen to more of that. I'll get you a CD." No please don't get me a CD because I have versions I like and get uppity when something like Beethoven's majestic 9th symphony is performed badly. Music snob yes I am.

I'm not going around wearing a sign saying "We co-sleep and I'm begging for advice from anyone and everyone." I really try to keep it on the down low that this is going on. It seems that EVERYONE thinks that how the baby sleeps is a good judge of how you mother, so it seems everyone asks about this. I try to hem and haw about this, but no, she does not sleep though the night. The only way I know how to get Sydney to sleep is to nurse her to sleep. She like to nurse on and off during the night. I don't have a problem with this. I'm away from her all day, I think having her next to me all night is a good way to reconnect and bond with her. Plus she has gotten good at finding my nipple without my help, so sometimes I don't even have to wake up. It feels very nice to know she is right next to me, just fine.

I just want to scream "If this is a problem for you, do what works for your family. This is what is working for mine, and I don't need any help with it. "

All this advice makes me question how I'm mothering. It makes me worry that I am doing something wrong. I am trying to go with the flow and follow Sydney's lead. We do what is working for us. This advice makes me wonder if they think I'm doing a bad job, and it leads me to question my mothering skills. There is so much to worry about as a mother. I just wish my mom or MIL would tell me they think I'm doing a good job at this. All this "advice" leads me to think they believe I'm not doing a good job.

Not on my Blog

2007-01-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

I have a damn ad for formula on my blog.

I hope I got it blocked.

If you see one, please email me at intorainbowz at hotmaildotcom. Right click on the ad link , copy target or link location, and paste that into your email. I have the ad blocked.

Not like anyone clicks on the ads, I've had 2 clicks the entire time they have been there.

It just ticked this lactivist off to come on here and find an ad for formula. GRRRRR

I KNOW there are women who must formula feed, please don't be offended by my next statement, K?

There are so many things in common between the formula companies and the tobacco industry it is scary. These companies actively sabotage nursing the world over. Babies die because they are not nursed. Formula is recalled. Water is bad in Africa. Our government is very bad at catering to the formula industry. I firmly believe those in power are putting profits over babies.

I'll never vote for Mitt Romney. Massachusetts had banned the bags given to mother's leaving the hospitals. He overturned that ban. Those bags are not given out because formula companies are nice, they want customers. They know that if they get a baby onto formula, mom will lose her milk, then they have a client for a year or so. EVEN if there is no formula in the bag, mothers will select that brand of formula if they switch. I'm too lazy to find the link for that. Those bags are an active tool in sabotaging a brand new nursing relationship.

No violating the WHO Code of Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes on MY blog, thank you very much.

Bit sad

2007-01-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

Today I went to visit a client at her job site, a national chain craft store. While there, I browsed the scrapbooking supplies, as I'm ALWAYS in the market, especially for military scrapbooking supplies.

Looking around, there were stickers for everything. I saw one with terms on it for expectant moms. It had several word phrases on it. These included the following:

Overdue
Labor Pains
Contractions
What a belly!
Where are my feet?
Ultrasound!

This just made me sad. I feel I missed out. I barely showed. I could always find my feet. I never felt a contraction. I did not labor. Ultrasounds were not fun, they were stressful and worrysome. I did not go overdue.

Sigh.

It just hit me for what I missed. I should be grateful blah, blah, blah. Today I'm sad. I know there are people a lot worse than me, and I'm having a pity party. Oh well.

It is hard to put my feelings about this into words. I'm still grieving. That is a hard thing to admit as I have a daughter, alive and healthy. Why can't I just be glad for that and move on? I just feel stuck. It's hard to realize how close we came to losing someone who is so much an integral part of my life. I cannot imagine life without her. It takes my breath away how much I love her.

For a couple of pictures of Sydney, please visit DawnJuan's blog, linked to the left....

I hate pumping.

2007-01-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

There I said it.

I hate pumping.
I love nursing.
I just hate pumping.

I had to pump from the very start. There has rarely been a day, except for a few weekends, when I have not pumped daily. My job is much more compatible with pumping and I even have a lock on my door. It's not a logistical issue anymore for pumping problems. It is emotional.

Until about 2 months ago, I had quite the stash of breast milk, pumped from when Sydney was in the NICU eating about 8 ounces a day and I was pumping 30. That milk lasted forever, it seemed. I had tons. I had it stashed at my mom's house, and we could not have ice cream, because there was no room in the freezer for it. So once Sydney was home and finally nursing, I only pumped at work. I would get about 12 ounces a day or so, but this never bothered me, as I had PLENTY to use. I'm down to 8 ounces or less a day. Part of that is because I only pump, and I pump late in the day, but I just can't emotionally "get it up" for pumping 3 times a day.

I now have no stash. I'm only a day ahead, because I forgot to take her milk to day care one day last week. Thankfully R had a frozen bag there, because my day was so hectic, I had no time to get more to her. R tried to feed Sydney the formula recommended by our pediatrician, and Sydney refused to eat it.

Thankfully Sydney eats most of her solids at day care. She gets about 8 ounces of breast milk there, and nurses a lot at home. She eats solids at about 8:30 right before going to bed. Her weight gain is good, so we think this is working out ok. She is not going hungry or thirsty at day care, we make sure of that. R said Sydney really loves my milk.

I want to stop pumping. I hate it. Then I remember Sydney loves my milk. I had thought about stopping pumping if she took formula ok, just at day care, but she refused formula.

I feel a bit trapped.

I love that she loves my milk. It is a way I can take care of her even when I'm away. R said my milk settles her down for a nap.

I just hate pumping.

I made a goal to get to one year of nursing when I had Sydney. I have no intentions of stopping nursing at a year. She loves it, I love it, and it is the ONLY way I know how to get her to sleep. My goal has changed. I'll get to a year pumping, then stop. I need a goal to get me through this.

I know this is completely selfish, but this is how I'm feeling. Pumping reminds me of how I had to start pumping for a tiny baby, rather than nursing her. It has a lot of emotional baggage attached to it.

24

2007-01-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

So I've never watched this show before.

Why I decided to I'll never know. Reason is I now have a new show to obsess over.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE 24. It is such a good show. Spellbinding, totally engrossing show. I just want to hurry up and see where this goes. It's like a great Tom Clancy novel or movie.

Vince and I are about to get season 1 at the video store to start catching up. Seems the show is on season 6, so we have about (5*24=120) 120 hours to catch up on. Yikes, and work too?

Link to What I've learned from Jack Bauer

On a serious note, this made me so very grateful that my life has personally been spared the harm of terrorism. They like to torture on that show, and I realized that terrorists don't care.

I looked and my precious baby in my arms and had to gasp. I hope no one ever tortures her. I want to protect her from the evil that exists in this world. An evil that hates us because of the freedoms we have.

I'm blessed that no one I know died on 9-11. Just what would I do if I'm on a plane with Sydney and it is hijacked? How do I protect her there? How do I protect her from the hate in this world, the evil, and ugly? How do I teach her to trust, when there are people trying to smuggle explosives onto planes in Gatorade bottles? How do I teach her that her fellow humans are mostly good, when there are men who slash the throats of flight attendants?

The president in 24 is an incompetent wuss. He actually negotiated with terrorists, after being burned once. Seems art is imitating life here, no?

This show has lead me to some soul searching. Oh, I'll keep watching it as I'm hooked, but now I worry as well.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the awesome responsibility that parenting is. It's more than keeping her from rolling off the bed. It's worrying about terrorists, dirty bombs, global warming. No, I'm not going off the deep end here, just something that I've not thought of. Don't expect me to go live in a cave anytime soon, just what I'm thinking today.

This parenting thing is huge. It is worrisome. It is wonderful. It is scary.

8 months

2007-01-12T13:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my DD will be 8 months old.

8 months since my world changed.
8 months since I heard that tiny cry.
8 months since I went on the NICU roller coaster.
8 months worrying am I doing this right?
8 months with this now fading scar on my belly.
8 months holding my baby, snuggling with by baby.
8 months of seeing a whole different side of DH.
8 months of pumping.

I cannot believe she is 8 months old.

Sorry for the silence. I have tons to say. Please don't give up on me.

Its all good

2006-12-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

So we took Sydney to the ortho clinic yesterday. New x-rays, nothing showed up. It all looks good. The doc said to not worry about growth plates, they usually don't cause problems in babies and the bone scan showed the injury in the middle of her femur.

I'm tired. My job is boring and this last week has just drained me. I was so worried about so many things, I just want a break.

Thanks for the kind words. Really ready for a break. Actually looking forward to having my wisdom teeth pulled so I can have a break.

My mom is up to her usual drama, same crap as after Sydney was born. I want a break from that as well. Why can't my family be normal?

MIL up to naughty stuff as well. I am not enjoying the holidays and I miss that. I want to relax and enjoy Christmas. I really love Christmas.

Sydney is her happy and wonderful self. I wonder how someone as moody and depressed as I am could have such a happy go lucky as Sydney. She is the shining star in my life right now.

My brother is up to crap as well. Ohhh I can't stand him. Short: He thinks I should go somewhere else to nurse when I have people over on Christmas. Yeah, he runs my life. Not. He can shove it.

Why does my family think its ok to make stupid suggestions like that one?

A radio talk show host who shall not be named was asking a caller on her show if her family knew she was married, if they acted like it, did she know she was married and acted like it? Thoughts for me to ponder. I don't think that most of my family acts like I'm an adult. How do I change this?

Short update

2006-12-13T23:06:00.001-07:00

Short update: I'll fill in later.

Good news: DD gained a whole ounce between Monday and this am. YAY!!!

Bad news: Femur is broken. I need to consult Dr. Google about this type of fracture. It is a "plastic" or greenstick fracture. She is in a splint to help remind us to be gentle by my request. It's not needed for healing.

What a hard day. She had to be sedated because of the bone scan. She nursed at 7:30 this am, then NOTHING until about 4. She was miserable. After the bone scan, because they were worried that ortho may want to do surgery, I was not allowed to feed her. It took both Nubane and Ketamine to get her knocked out. She was so drugged and limp. It was very hard for me to see her laying there motionless. When she woke up, all she wanted to do was nurse, and screamed unconsoably for an hour until she wore out. I was holding her, but this just made her madder, so my mom held and rocked and loved her. The crying just broke my heart. And no she did not need surgery at all, so this was all for nothing. I could have nursed her about 2 hours before I did. Poor baby.

I'll write more tomorrow. Since we got home, she has just wanted to nurse or have my breast very close by. Much comfort nursing going on.

Party at Primary Children's ER - Long

2006-12-13T00:16:00.000-07:00

Sunday night I was over at my moms. The bench that my mom, who was holding Sydney, was on was not locked correctly, and collapsed. They ended up falling between my mom's bookcase and a rocking chair, we were in their living room. My mom did a great job protecting Sydney, but must have injured her little leg when they fell. My mom was holding Sydney's leg when they fell.

After the fall Sydney cried a lot. We thought it was from the commotion and the 5 women in the room screaming. I held her and got her to nurse, and she seemed ok. She co-slept fine Sunday night, and she had some rough nights the past couple of nights so that seemed like a blessing to me.

Monday morning come. She seems ok, but SCREAMS when I changed her diaper. I fed her mashed potatoes on Sunday night, without knowing they had milk in them. I thought it was gas, because she was farting, so I gave her baby gas medicine and she seemed fine. I noticed she was holding her left leg a bit oddly, but thought maybe her diaper needed adjusting, as she was back to her normal happy self. I packed her up for day care and she SCREAMED when I strapped her in, which is par for the course. She usually cries at car seat time.

I took her to day care. I let her provider know what happened and asked her to call me if anything was wrong. She later told me that Sydney was fine, ate fine, slept a little more than normal, but only cried when she was changing her diaper when it was time for me to pick Sydney up. DCP was very upset by her screaming. She did not call me because she knew I was on my way. I called the pediatricians office and got an after hours appointment at 7. Sydney is weighed and now weighs 10 pounds 2 ounces!!! We see the PA. He is very kind, does x rays, says we need to go to Primary Children's ER in Salt Lake, about 30 miles away.

Silly me, I answer when my mom calls, and she says she is coming down. She feels very bad. I told her that who ever was holding her on that bench it would have happened with. DH had a paper due this am, so we had to call my bro to borrow his laptop so DH could finish his paper.

So after me waiting at the peds office for about 45 minutes, DH, mom and Bro arrive. Sydney was all nursed and happy. We believe in the laying on of hands, so DH and Bro give her a blessing. Her leg got bumped during the blessing and she started screaming. My mom nearly lost it during the blessing and ended up crying all over the MA. She was a very nice and understanding MA.

So we all drive to Primary's. We get there and get checked in. Even though the peds office called down and said we were coming, we are told to wait in the lobby. Ummmm The absolute last place I want Sydney is in a pediatric hospital Er waiting room. I tell the nurse that. She said, "well you said she got the synagis shots..." Yes, but they don't prevent RSV, they minimize it. We end up waiting in the car. Sydney desperately wants to nurse, so my mom ends up walking the parking lot all bundled up.

After an hour waiting, we get in. We wait. We wait. Nurse practitioner come in. Seems he did not look at the chart, so asks all the same questions again. Asks why DD is small. Because she is an ex 34 week preemie weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, that's why. Anyway, he says that the x-rays that the peds office are basically worthless. Says we have to have some more.

Then the doctor in charge come in. She says that she and an orthopod looked over the x-rays and they were fine. They want different views of her knee after the doctor examined her leg. They also wanted to draw blood to rule out infections. She lets me nurse Sydney about midnight. Big relief for both of us, as I was about to send DH outside for the pump.

So rad tech comes for Sydney and I. We follow her. As we walk past the nurses desk, a nurse there says our x rays are on hold. We go back to our room, where I begin to panic.

As you may know, until a couple of months ago, I was a child welfare worker. Basically, as Sydney is an infant, I've been very upset that CPS would get called. There were plenty of witnesses to the accident, but still I was very worried. It turns out that a good friend was on-call for Davis county last night, but I still was so very worried. I don't want a CPS case, I don't want a CPS worker involved in my family at all. Something similar happened to another DCFS worker and the children got removed, the family was financially devastated, the worker lost his job. Their entire case was overturned by the appeals court. I'd rather skip that destruction to my family. Also, I believe that I would have to be put on admin leave if there is an investigation on-going as I work in a background clearance position of trust. So far to my knowledge, no referral has been made, thank God. It actually turns out that my friend had to respond to Primary Children's ER last night, same time as we were there. She knew where we were because she saw Vince walk into our room. She decided against visiting to spare me the heart attack that would have happened when I saw her, before she could say she was not there on business. I talked to my mom and DH about what to say if DCFS does get involved. As my sister is still a minor, my mom needs to remind her that she needs to ask for her parent if a caseworker shows up. Basically, I've been in the system, and while I think that child welfare is very needed, and I am very supportive of DCFS, I worry greatly about what would happen to my family. Simply put, I've seen a good family destroyed because a worker made an error. I spent a good part of the night worried about CPS. I mean we are talking about a bone injury in a non-mobile infant. I was just hoping no one decided to doubt what happened, because accidents do happen. Also thankfully, a lady from the neighborhood was over when the incident happened, so we have a non family witness, who also happened to be sitting on the collapsed bench.

The nurse comes in and puts the iv in. She gets the blood they needed. She got the IV in with one poke. We go for x-rays. The ladies were none too nice. Simply put, they asked me to wait outside. As I had said to my mom and to the nurse, I've been through worse with the NICU, I'm staying put. This is something that I have committed to myself from the NICU experience, something I learned. I am there for my daughter. At the doctor's office, the gave me a lead apron to wear, and asked me to hold Sydney's hands. At the hospital, I was not given an apron and they did not even speak to me after I refused to leave the room. I believe that even though Sydney was screaming, having me there to whisper to her and stroke her head was comforting. I hope it was. I don't want to get in the staff's way, but I'm her mom. They can do the procedures, I'll love. From being in the NICU, I've observed that when staff is doing a procedure that is their focus. They usually don't say nice things until they are done. That is why I want to be there, to comfort her while they do their job. I see this as they do their job as nurses, I'll do mine as mom.

After the blood tests come back perfectly normal and the x rays come back fine, the doctor recommends that Sydney have a bone scan. They can't do this at night, and we have to call in the am to schedule this. Because this involves injections, they leave the hep-lock from the IV in. I have been taking care of this. Sydney started to chew on the IV, she chews on everything, so I put a little bootie over her hand. It is the blue one she is wearing. She now chews on the blue head, and quite likes the rattle on her hand. She has not fought with it too much. We finally were discharged at 2:45 am. We were all so very tired.

It has been so hard going through this. It is bringing up emotions from the NICU. Medical issues, fear issues, CPS/social work issues, control issues, my mom issues. It's so hard seeing her cry in pain while procedures are done to her again. Seems she now recognizes syringes, as she started crying when she saw the nurse setting things up. Poor baby. It has also been sad when I hurt her. We have been holding and moving her with great care, but sometimes I bump her leg. She also screams when placed in her car seat, and if I'm not very careful when I change her diaper. She is so very active with her limbs, and her little left leg just sits there. She has it bent at the knee, almost tucked under. She may be happy and kicking with her right leg, but not her left. At her bath tonight, Vince held her arm, I bathed. She did the splashing with her feet that I've taught her, but only with her right leg. She does move her left leg, just not nearly as much.

So we go back to the hotel Primarys tomorrow for the bone scan. I can't nurse her after 8 am until after her procedure is finished and she wakes up, so I'll have to pump. She will be so unhappy. They said we can give her pedialyte in her bottle until 10 am. I've never given her anything but breast milk via bottle, so I have no idea how she will take to it. My mom is going with me as Vince has a final.

I called my boss about needing time off. Thankfully he was wonderful. I told him he could call if he needed anything but he reminded me that I no longer work next door (DCFS) and that they'll handle anything. It was so nice to have my boss worried about me and my baby not the work and being upset because she has to do something. Sydney's day care provider has called a couple of times very worried as well.

Sorry for the long post. It just flowed out of me.

Many questions

2006-12-07T13:06:00.000-07:00

69 ODD QUESTIONS. COPY AND PASTE. BE TRUTHFUL AND SEND IT BACK TO ME AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS....
1. Are your parents married or divorced? Separated, but they have been for 7 years, so I think it’s about time to get a divorce.
2. Are you a vegetarian? No, and I’m having ribs tonight at a party. YUMMY.
3. Do you believe in Heaven? Yes
4. Have you ever come close to dying? no
5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Wedding ring, emerald stone ring, watch. I had a charm bracelet that I used to wear all the time, but I somehow lost it in the midst of having Sydney. It could be at my house, or it could be lost at the hospital. I feel sad about losing my charm bracelet
6. Favorite time of the day? Evenings. Hate mornings.
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? No, YUCK!!!
8. Do you wear make-up? YES!
9. Ever have plastic surgery? No, but I’ve had laser procedures and want more. Someday after I’m done having children I want a breast lift/reduction and tummy tuck.
10. Do you color your hair? Yes, the grays really showed up after the baby.
11. What do you wear to bed? Usually a nightgown.
12. Have you ever done something illegal? Yup. Who has not?
13. Can you roll your tongue? Yes.
14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows? No I have them waxed.
15. What kind of sneakers? New Balence
16. Do you believe in abortions? I used to be pro-choice. But after seeing Sydney on the screen at 5 weeks 6 days and hearing her heartbeat that small, I’ve changed. I lean more pro-life now. I don’t want the government being involved in my life, but I also think that babies need to be protected. I wish there were more adoptions, and that every baby would be a wanted baby.
17. What is your hair color? Brown
18. Future child's name? Well… Katherine still is out there, but if a boy, William Vincent.
19. Do you snore? Yes, loudly.
20. If you could be anywhere in the world where would it be? Beach
21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, but I sleep with 2 homo sapiens and 3 felines.
22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Buy a house, new cars, super first class vacation. Oh, and buy some Manolo Blanik shoes.
23. Gold or silver? Gold
24. Hamburger or hot dog? Both are nice.
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? What is that about? I’d die of boredom. I do love Italian.
26. City, beach or country? Beach!
27. What was the last thing you touched? My lips, now the y key now the space key… I give up. 28. Where did you last eat? At my desk breakfast, French toast sticks from Burger King.
29. When's the last time you cried? Last night. Sad movie.
30. Do you read blogs? YUP, sure do.
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? Ummm…. I’m in pants and a button down shirt now…..
32. Ever been involved with the police? Yes, personally, professionally, and sexually…. ;) Vince is a MP.
33. What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap? I just love the freesia Vo5 kind. Smells so nice.
34. Do you talk in your sleep? Only when sick or on a sedative.
35. Ocean or pool? A pool by the ocean, great!
36. What's your favorite song at the moment? Patty Cake.
37. What's your favorite color? Pink and blue
38 window seat or aisle? Window
39. Ever met anyone famous? Was in a traffic jam in a car next to a car being driven by Anjelica Huston. Traffic in LA, the great equalizer. Marina Sirtis, Deanna Troy from Star Trek.
40. Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? Hope so. I have a family who I love and who loves me, that is pretty successful.
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
42. Ricki Lake or Oprah? Ricki is not on any more. Oprah when she is doing one of her fluff shows. Otherwise she is VERY preachy. Same for Martha. When I was on bed rest, I LOVED Maury with his paternity questions.
43. Basketball or football? USC football, even though they let UCLA win.
44. How long do your showers last? Depends, could be a 8 minute one, or a half an hour one.
45. Automatic or do you drive stick? Automatic. I can drive a standard.
46. Cake or ice cream? Both! Chocolate, Yummy.
47. Are you self-conscious? yes
48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up? NO
49. Have you ever given money to a tramp? Used to, but now I don’t. I sometimes offer to buy them some food.
50. Have you been in love? yes
51. Where do you wish you were? Jamaica
52. Are you wearing socks? Yes
53. have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes
54. Can you tango? No, wish I could
55. Last gift you received? Vince bought me an Ipod Nano for my birthday.
56. Last sport you played? *the sound of crickets*-. . . . Does watching college football and cheering count?
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? Food, clothes, scrap booking, just general money wasting. Vince and I have a lot of electronic gizmos.
58. Where do you live? Utah
59. Where were you born? Downey, CA.
60. Last wedding attended? Can’t remember
61. Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Time
62. If you could do anything over, what would you do? Save better.
63. Most hated food(s)? broccoli, onions, radishes, melons
64. What's your least favorite chores? Picking up and folding laundry
65. Can you sing? Yes
66. Last person you instant messaged? Barry at work
67. Last place you went on holiday? Been so very long…. Maybe Bear Lake?
68. Favorite regular drink? Diet Coke and Pepsi, ice cold water, fresh squeezed orange juice
69. Current crush? Vince :)

My day

2006-11-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

Here is how my day has gone so far.

It's about 10 degrees here. What happens when it gets super cold? Car batteries go kaput? Yup you guessed it. Oh what fun that is in the very cold, weather report said it was 11 degrees, a crying baby and a jumper cables. DH was at school.
I've been busy all morning. I'm about to explode. I sit down to pump. Guess what? No power I left the @#$#^# thing at home. Because it's freezing cold here, get all bundled up and go to convienence store for batteries. Pay highway robbery for 8AA's.
While pumping, someone comes by wanting to chat. I cover up and chat while trying to not squirt her.
DH had to go for an ass chewing at ROTC. Have not heard what happened.
Dh washed his cell phone. My bid for a great cell phone on ebay got sniped by a 0 feedback moron, brand new ebay jerk, I mean member, with no intention to pay. He outbid everyone on all of the seller's auctions. Means I have to wait until Sunday to get this purchased.
Sydney gets about 6 immunizations this afternoon. So I will have to deal with a very cranky baby for the next couple of days.
I need to buy a new formal top for 2 formal dinners this weekend. No time or money.
I am trying to stockpile breast milk. Problem is I am barely getting enough to cover her day care feedings. I estimate I need 4 ounces for tomorrow evening when MIL watches DD because I have to work late, 8 ounces for when sister watches DD from about 6-10 on Friday, and at least 12 ounces for when my mom (sigh) watches DD from 2:30 to 11ish on Saturday. Pressure and stress. My Stash from the NICU days is gone, gone, gone.
The computer program we use is down. Can't do my work.
I have to go to training the next 2 days with a training nazi. For some dumb reason, while all other state trainings go from 9-4, hers go from 8-5. Oh, I love driving to Salt Lake in the traffic.

So that's where I am today.

I cannot say

2006-11-28T14:43:00.001-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom lately.

I want her to be a type of mom she is not.

Plain and simple that is it.

After my experience with my pregnancy and the NICU, I’ve learned the painful fact that my mom has her own issues, issues which I cannot solve.

With everyone else, I am not a pushover. I have no problem standing up and defending myself or someone else to just about everyone I know. This includes the, respectfully Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I can say just about anything to anyone, including God.

Except my mom.

I cannot say to my mom “I wish you had not lectured me when I called you in tears after the run in with the social worker about the camera. I wish you had taken my side.”

I cannot say “When I called you to tell you that the ultrasound measured Sydney as 3 weeks behind, I wish you had cried with me. Rather, you told me this was because I was using technology, and if I went to an old male OB, who did not use ultrasounds, everything would be ok.” Had I followed that advice, Sydney would definitely been dead, and maybe me too.

I cannot say “When I told you I had to have a cesarean section, I wish you would have mourned with me the loss of my dreamed for vaginal birth. Rather you lectured me on surrendering my birth, and the unnecessary use of cesarean sections.”

I cannot say “I was so stressed out during that non-stress test, and your being there only added to this. I am forever grateful that the tech was paying attention to how you were lecturing me about not being ready for this baby. She came around the curtain and suggested that you go get me lunch to see if food would help the baby. You left, and I went from completely failing the non stress test and having worrisome high blood pressure to being normal. I ignored your calls that weekend on doctor’s orders. It was either that or she was admitting me with no visitor privileges.”

I cannot say “I’m an adult. I do not need you involved with my medical decisions. I need you to be supportive, but you do not get a saw in who my provider is, what medical treatments I get, and what happens.” When you wanted me to add your name to the release of information I signed when I first was pregnant so Vince had full access to my medical history.

I cannot say “I wish I could talk to you about how to help Vince right now. Instead you will likely pressure me to leave him, and use this as ammunition in the future.”

I cannot say “Please minimizing how hard it is for me to be away from Sydney during the day. You never had to put your baby in day care. You do not know what it is like.”

I cannot say, “You never had a high risk pregnancy. You never had a cesarean section. You never had a premature tiny baby. You never had a baby in the NICU. You do not know anything about any of these things, so stop telling me what I should and should not feel, should and should not do, how I should act.”

I cannot say “I wish you would have been more supportive of me and Vince about the scene his mother caused after Sydney was born. Instead we had to walk on eggshells with everyone. I did not hurt your feelings, and neither did Vince, but we bore the brunt of your emotions when we were least able to handle this.”

I cannot say “I wish you would accept my life without judging me. I love my husband. I love my daughter. We occasionally go to church. Our home is often a mess. We care for each other and love, rather than the nagging and screaming which you did/do to have your home clean.”

I cannot say “I hate schedules. I hate getting up early. Leave me alone about it.” It was very hard for me, with all my emotions and pain with Sydney’s birth to have to have you nag at me for not making schedules to fit your needs, rather than to recognize that your daughter was suffering and your schedule discussion came across as an attack of a new mommy.

I cannot say “You thought you were being supportive while Sydney was in the NICU, but you were not. I gave up the emotional energy trying to get you to be supportive. Yes you bought clothes, but this made me feel that what I bought was unneeded.”

I cannot say “Thank you for purchasing a blessing dress for Sydney. However, it is the type of dress you want, not what I told you I want. I do not want to bless Sydney in the dress you bought incase she died, so I have something to bury her in. I felt very stepped on. I did not want to bless her in the bad juju dress, but I did because you were already very upset about Vince’s mom, and I could not handle your upset if I got a different dress. I wish you would have asked me if you could purchase a dress, or suggested that I select a dress and you will pay for it. What you do not know is that there is a bookmarked dress that Vince and I selected in case she did not survive, ready to be overnighted if the need arose. I allowed you to step all over my boundaries here, and I wish I had done more to express this to you.”

I cannot say, “Go read my blog.” because this honesty will crush you, and you will cut me off and even though I am leaning better how to be your daughter and what my boundaries are, I still need you.

These are all things I cannot say. I wish I could.

Now I wonder how to prevent Sydney typing something similar in 30 years.
I say that because we often parent as we were parented. I do not want to parent the same way. I want to be someone Sydney wants to be there when she is in a crisis, not someone who adds to her pain.

BFN

2006-11-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

I was over playing games last night at the home of two dear friends. While there, the one trying to get pregnant took a pregnancy test and it came back a BFN.

I just hate infertility. It just sucks.

You know who you are, but I am so very sorry about your BFN. I had my fingers crossed for your family to add the new family member you desire.

I've been there. I had a way to long cycle, and I was sure I was pregnant. No, my hormones were so screwed up that I had not had a period for 3 months. I had to take medicine to start my period.

I hate peeing on a stick. Until Sydney, that stick had never even given me any glimmer that I was pregnant. No faint line, no maybe, no hint of hope.

That is what you have to have to survive infertility. Hope. Courage. Love.

Hang onto your hope. There were times that this seemed hopeless for us, but there always is something to hope for.

It is a tremendous act of courage to TTC again after a BFN. You want something so simple, but it is so very hard.

Hang onto the love of your spouse. Your spouse hurts as you do. Don't let infertility drive a wedge between you. You will need each others love to get through the hard times.

I hope I'm not coming off preachy, that is not my desire. I just wanted to share a bit of what I learned through our infertility journey.

Quiet

2006-11-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

I've been quiet lately. Sorry. I have been editing and posting videos on my You-Tube site located here for a shameless plug.....youtube.com/intorainbowz .

It's been a quiet time for me. Vince's grandmother died last Thursday. I loved her. She was always so very kind to me. She was a great buffer between me and MIL when MIL went bonkers when Sydney was born.

This is MIL and Abuela and Sydney.

This is MIL, DH, Abuela, and Sydney.

She had been ill for some time, and was ready to go. I still miss her, and actually have a hard time believing she is dead, even though I saw her body, and watched her casket be lowered into the ground.

Unfortunately, as happens in my family and I'm sure yours too, a death, same as a birth, is a time for every one to go a little crazy. Vince's aunt went off her meds, police had to be called more than once. After the Rosary was said at the viewing, she decided to make a speech, basically blasting MIL. MIL has been the only child of Abuela's to actually care for her and meet her needs. Like I told my SIL married to my brother, take your crazy family member and add booze.

It is weird for me. As so much of the rituals of her death were different than I am used to, I barely felt I was at a funeral. I'm LDS, she is Catholic. The funeral was a mass, very different than a Mormon funeral. The songs, the prayers, the rituals were different and foreign to me.

Sydney loved the stained glass windows and the smell of the frankinse and myrrh that they used in the incense, and thought mass was great. My mom came and held her most of the service. It was nice that my mom could stand in place and sway Sydney. I was uncomfortable, as this is not my faith, and other than knowing to say "and also with you" after the priest says "Peace be with you" and "Lord hear our prayer" after "Let us pray to the Lord." the rituals and meanings behind those rituals are unknown to me. I also know that the "sign of Peace" means shake every-one's hand around you. (I learned this at a wedding in Mexico where I was separated from the host family, and had absolutely no clue about what was going on both as a non-Catholic and a non-Spanish speaker. Carmen leaned across the isle and hissed at me "It's the sign of peace and you are being rude." as I was standing there looking funny. ) I did not know when to stand and sit. And (snark warning) the Catholics seated in front of me had as much idea as the 3 Mormons sitting on my pew when to stand and sit. The Priest had to use his hands to direct us.

No offense to any Catholics reading this, but I would be a very bad Catholic. In the LDS church, the sacrament consists of bread and water. The water is poured into little paper or plastic one time use cups. Catholics use one communal cup. That just grosses me out, the whole sharing of the cup by multiple people I don't know. Maybe had I been raised with this as a normal custom, I would be ok with it, but the germaphobe in my says no. (After the sign of peace, Vince got out the Purell.)

I did not go to the gathering after the funeral. It was at Abuela's home. I would have liked to go, but I knew there would be a lot of smoking going on there. Some of the Aunts were a bit disappointed that Sydney would not be there. They asked why. I simply stated "There will be smoking there, and she cannot be around cigarette smoke." MIL told me that at the home, they said I was rude and judgemental. Thankfully MIL stood up for me, and said that babies should not be around cigarette smoke and any moron knows that. (HAHAHA she was much ruder than I.) There was another baby there, and Vince said at one point there were 4 lit cigarettes around her. When Vince came home, he stunk WORSE than when we used to go gambling in a casino. REALLY. His suit had to go to the cleaners, and he had to shower. He said that there was underage drinking going on as well. He felt like he was caught between his family and that he is a sworn police officer (albeit very part time.) I might have felt the need to call the police, and told him so. Other than a sip at New Years, I have no tolerance for underage drinking, especially when the uncle gives teenagers beers. No not sips, their own beer. I don't understand how a family get together to honor Abuela turns into a kegger.

Anyway, I got off topic. I will miss Abuela. I always meant to get her rice recipe, and now it is gone.

Power

2006-11-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

No line. I went at 9 while everyone was at work.

No gunfire. No 10 mile walk. I drove, even though it was just across the street. I was going to work after.

No ink on my finger. I was Id'd, even though I registered in person, had proof of that, and was Id'd at that time. Vince who registered after me, will not be Id'd.

No armed troops anywhere. Well the police department was across the parking lot, but they were off busting speeders, because that's all they do.

No fanfare. No bombs. No civil war.

I peacefully walked into an elementary school, and with my finger exercised power. Today I am as powerful as the President of the United States. Today I exercised the power that if enough people agree with me, we could overthrow our government bloodlessly, peacefully, and in an orderly fashion.

I voted. The president and I, and you if you go vote, each only count as one. Last time I voted, he and I cancelled out each other's votes as I'm sure he voted for himself, and I sure has hell voted for the other guy.

I walked in, showed my ID, took the card, inserted it into the machine, politely declined the offer to show me how to work the touch screen, and voted. I pushed the little x by the name of the people I feel will best represent me. While I refuse to use the strait party option, the smiley face of the Personal Choice party was QUITE intriguing.

I left several items blank. It was very sad to see how many county positions were running unopposed. All Republicans, no challengers. Not even a Personal Choice candidate to select. I toyed with writing myself in, but did not. I just could not vote for someone who already is a shue in. I voted against 2 judges retaining their seats, I've seen them in action and did not like what I saw. Other than the judges I did vote for, and the Utah Constitutional Amendment I voted for, I hold no illusions that the people I voted for will actually be elected. They are Democrats running in Davis County, Utah for crying out loud. Davis County has not elected a Democrat to ANYTHING for about 20 years.

Where does that leave people like me? Unrepresented, unheard, unimportant.

Today, I was important. I voted. Rather than being disillusioned and ignoring election day, because I know that the uselessness of my going and voting, I chose to make a stand. Even though no one I voted for will be elected, I put my finger on the screen and demanded to be counted.

I took Sydney with me. I talked to her about how important voting is. I want her to be a voter. It is important to me to raise a voter. She will go again with her daddy this evening. When Sydney is bigger, I will let her push the X on the screen, like my dad let me push the pen into the hole next to the name of Ronald Reagan, and George Bush. I will teach her about what I think is politically important, just as my father used that time in the canvas walls to tell me of the glories of the GOP and how Reagan will save America. My dad taught me about pushing the pen all the way in, and making sure no chads were left hanging. My dad taught me how important it is to vote from a young age, and I hope to follow his example and teach that to Sydney.

It was a bit odd using the computers. No clunk clunk of the pens pushing the chads off. No little booth with a flag as a door. No canvas walls to prevent the voter from distraction. My vote was private, it was a different experience than the last time I voted.

Have you voted? People have died for the right of American Citizens to vote. People in Iraq stood for hours to vote under the threat of violence. It is the least we can do to walk on over to the local elementary school and use our finger on the screen.

Today I excercised power. What a blessing that is.

Letter to Kerry

2006-11-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

Faith wants to know what I think of John Kerry's comment:

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq."

Senator Kerry, I want my vote back. Not that I would vote for Bush, but I could vote for Nader again...

Say what you want about Bush. Say what you want about Rummy. Say what you want about the failed policies of this administration. My belief to you, Senator, please leave our troops out of this.

What a way to insult the 3,068 coalition soldiers who have died in Iraq since this began. Those numbers include 2,829 Americans, two Australians, 120 Britons, 13 Bulgarians, six Danes, two Dutch, two Estonians, one Fijian, one Hungarian, 32 Italians, one Kazakh, one Latvian, 17 Poles, two Romanians, five Salvadoran, three Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, two Thai and 18 Ukrainians in the war in Iraq as of November 3, 2006.

I am positive that there are a good many educated souls among that number. They did their homework. They studied hard. They joined the military for various reasons, and went and did their duty. They died honorably.

Frankly Mr. Kerry, I am asking for your resignation. You should no longer be a Senator of our great country. I would like for you to resign, and to renounce any military pension or honors you may have won in Vietnam. I use the term won not earned, because I do not believe you won your Purple Heart.

I don't think you were heckling the President. You know how to do that. I think you were trying to make a statement, that smart people don't end up in the military.

Yes, Mr. Kerry, Smart people do end up in the military. They choose to join. They serve with honor, do their duty, and protect our country so you can say dumb things like what you just said.

Resign. Put some real meaning behind your apology.

News Flash

2006-10-31T18:25:00.002-07:00

Extra, Extra, Read all about it. Wendy had a baby.

So I know that is not news to anyone else. Seems to me that I forgot it.

Elections are coming up. I have always been very politically active. I am known to walk neighborhoods, pass out fliers, sit in booths, the whole thing.

I felt bad I had done nothing, so I went and volunteered to pass out fliers. Up until now, all the campaigns I have volunteered for have been very well organized, and fairly well funded. UMMM.... These guys are running as democrats in Davis County, so really no on both counts. They gave me some fliers, to pass out to registered democrats.

So, anyone else remember that the time changed last weekend and it is now dark at 5:30. Anyone else notice it got cold? Yeah, everyone else but me.

So tonight, Halloween no less, I bundle myself and Sydney up for some flier passing out. I drive to the area, to learn the addresses on my list are in no order. I don't have a map of the streets either. I try to find where to start, while dodging trick or treaters. It's now dark and cold. No street lights either. I find the first house, and figure I'll deliver to all the homes on that block.

I get Sydney out of the car seat, grab the fliers, and head out. I deliver to ONE house before I realize how ridiculous this is, and give up. I nearly dropped the fliers and tripped. I go back to the car, load Syd up again, and come home.

So I just ignored what is clear to everyone else. I had a baby and my life has changed for the better. I just have to wait a couple of years for flier passing out, or do this when her daddy is not beyond swamped with his ROTC disaster project, so he can either help or watch her.

I was pushing myself to do too much. I wish I could pass the fliers out, but with everything going on, I can't.

Sydney was very patient through all this. Wendy just needed to learn some things change, and that she does not have to do it all.

Thoughtful

2006-10-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

One lady at church surprised me. She came up and said that she had just washed her hands, and could she please hold Sydney. I was so amazed that she would think to do that. Of course I let her hold Sydney. It was just so thoughtful after me wanting to start slapping hands of random people who were touching her. It was so thoughtful of her to realize that I'm likely pretty nervous having her around all those people, so to make me more comfortable and up her chances of holding Sydney, she took the step to wash her hands.

That was so kind of her.

Buckets, NIP. and church Oh My!

2006-10-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

Reminding readers of my disclaimer... I'm about to get rather outspoken and narrow minded, and opinionated.

Vince and I went to church today. It was nice to get out and be around others. Some things bothered me which I can't really discuss there, but I will here.

What is with all the babies in Buckets? (aka Car Seats). I've got to admit, there are times in which the bucket is nice, like when running quick errands, or when two hands are a necessary. There are also times the bucket is a NEED, like when driving in the car. Then there are times that the bucket is one more thing to carry, like at church.

I'll admit, I've been very proactive at wearing Syd. I wear her in the chest pack at the grocery store, and am seriously considering purchasing a sling or Mei Tai carrier. MIL gave me a carrier that she used, and I wear Syd on my back in it when I make dinner. I carry her when I can, because I want that attachment and bonding with her. I want her close to me, or to some other live human being, not in a bucket. Syd HATES the bucket, and screams EVERY time I strap her in, why would I want to do that over and over. I'll just leave it in the car, thank you very much. I have a nice hand warmer to put in it to keep it warm in the winter. I cover the buckles with a blanket in the summer to keep them cool/

Seriously, I was the only mom with a baby who did not have the bucket. I saw 2 strollers. What is up with that? Both of the moms with the strollers have babies under one. Why do you need a stroller at CHURCH??? I've never even used my stroller. Not kidding. I'm sure at some point it will get use, but I've always worn her. It is easier and safer for me to have her close to me. I can't walk away and leave her if she is strapped to me. When we went to Peach Days, I wore her the whole time. One of the stroller moms was telling Vince he should have me bring the stroller..... I could not help roll my eyes. I just think that babies should be held, and church is a great place to do that. It is so nice to hold a sleeping baby, and someone is always wanting to hold a cute baby if you want a break as a mom.

There is another mom in the ward, a mom whom I visiting teach. Let me say, I don't agree with how she parents. She weaned at 6 weeks because she wanted him to sleep through the night. Her baby boy is about 3 months old. He sleeps all by himself in the living room because he was waking up their other son. When we left from visiting, she left him crying on the couch. When we drove away, she was outside with her husband and older child. I feel so bad for that baby inside crying. This mom barely ever hold her own baby at church, someone else is always holding him and feeding him formula.

It's just weird to me. I NIP (nurse in public) all the time. I NIP whenever Syd wants to eat. Frankly, I'd rather not miss what is going on. I've practiced and feel I'm rather modest when doing this. When I was changing Syd's diaper, another mom came into the mother's room to nurse. She turned her chair all the way around so she was facing the corner and then put a blanket on. Another mother left sacrament meeting, came back 20 minutes later, and I'm guessing she was nursing. I usually don't use a blanket when NIP, but during the hymn Syd was rather distracted, so I used a blanket folded up as a bit of a shield, as she kept popping on and off. I feel the blanket thrown over the shoulder screams "I'm Nursing" and implies there is something to hide.

Nursing is not something to hide. There is no shame with NIP. Nursing should be celebrated, promoted, championed. I'll NIP as my own little demonstration that nursing is best. I NIP because I need to feed my baby. I can NIP and eat a meal, grocery shop, attend church, watch a movie, etc. Basically NIP lets me have a life outside of the home.

My mom told me I could nurse in Relief Society, but not in Sacrament Meeting. When I went to church with her, Syd wanted to nurse during Sacrament. She told me to go to the mother's room. I did. In that church as in mine, it is an alcove off of the bathroom. YUCK. I nursed there while people toileted and flushed and vowed I would never do that again. I told her so as well. She talked about being discrete and thinking of others. I said I am discrete, and that the one I should think the most of is my baby. If others have a problem, they can leave or look away. I might step out into the hall if Syd is being distracted, but otherwise I'll nurse where ever I dang well choose. I nursed at the Jazz game last week, BTW. Utah law states....

76-10-1229.5. Breast Feeding is not Violation of this Part.A woman's breast feeding, including breast feeding in any location where the woman otherwise may rightfully be, does not under any circumstance constitute a violation of this part, irrespective of whether or not the breast is covered during or incidental to feeding.

Oh, and the lesson was on food storage.... no mention of extra supplies for a nursing mom, oh no, but talk on formula and water for that. GRRRRR

I just wish more people would hold their babies and not haul the buckets everywhere they go. It has been hard breaking Vince of this, because that is what everyone else does. I told him he can haul the bucket, I'll carry the baby.

History

2006-10-27T23:36:00.001-06:00

You Passed 8th Grade US History

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade History?

Really not a big suprise....

2006-10-27T23:28:00.000-06:00

How White and Nerdy Are You?

Career choice....

2006-10-27T23:06:00.000-06:00

Your Career Personality: Detail-Oriented, Observant, and Hard-Working

Your Ideal Careers(I so did not rig this):
Designer
Family counselor
Independent store owner
Interior decorator
Museum curator
Nurse
Preschool teachers
Social worker
Stay at home parentTeacher

The Quick and Dirty Career Test

Response from Weight Watchers

2006-10-23T17:02:00.000-06:00

So they responded. Still now WOW evening meeting, but at least they read my letter and are thinking about it. From Faith's suggestion, any readers in the Utah or Idaho area who wants to have an evening WOW meeting, please let me know, and I'll send you their emails so you can write a letter too. She liked my letter!!!! See I can write a powerful letter.

Begin letter....

Hi Wendy! My name is Gina T. (snip) , the Executive Director of Weight Watchers of SLC, Inc. I have to say, I loved your e-mail. I don't often get many e-mails with so much time, effort, and research put into them. Thank you! All of your points are so very valid and definitely ones we keep in mind as we look at our demographics and geographical locations, and make decisions based on such.

Currently, our WOW meetings are still in their infancy stage. In fact, these came about due to the consistent feedback we received from stay at home moms. So, we're working on accomplishing our first goal of getting a WOW meeting into each market area. So far so good with the daytime WOW meetings, they really seem to be meeting the need. Granted, there will never be a perfect day and time for everyone and we knew that going into it. In fact, even if we venture into making a night meeting into a WOW, it would still be hit or miss based on members' work schedules and kids' activity schedules. We get so many different requests for times and days that it is hard to make it great for everyone. We take a big risk opening up new meetings, specifically population specific meetings. We've always run the business with the idea that we'd hate to give something only to have to take it away due to minimal success. However, this doesn't mean that we won't continue to monitor the need. Your feedback is most helpful and will be used in future discussions about just this subject.

The fact of the matter is Wendy, the requests for WOW meetings dropped substantially when we introduced the daytime WOW meetings, so we had some evidence that they were filling a need. Though, as you mentioned, not everybody's needs. I wish there was a way to take care of everybody's needs, but unfortunately, it just isn't possible, especially when the majority of our members have been so clear in communicating that they appreciate meetings without children so that focus can be on the members vs. the many distractions we find in the WOW meetings. I'm so sorry our lack of choices doesn't allow you to attend with your husband, especially because having a friend or family member really promotes increased success with the program. I hope that you will still consider attending separately in order to get the value of the meeting experience which you clearly understand is a large factor in overall weight loss success.

Would you please contact me personally if you would like to speak in greater length about our decision making process? I can be contacted at (removed) if desired.

Again, I thank you so much for time and energy into stating your desires and concerns. Truly, I appreciate you providing us with this information for use in future discussions about new meetings.

My best,

Gina T.

Sydney goes to the Jazz Game

2006-10-22T23:42:00.000-06:00

Wendy meets Sydney

2006-10-22T23:22:00.000-06:00

Here is the video of when I met Sydney. I'm basically high from all the drugs. I fibbed about how ready I was to get up out of bed, because I thought the nurse would just let me get right into the chair. Instead she made me walk across the large room to the bathroom, which was pointless because I had a cathedar in and Dr. Calm cleaned me out rather well.

Letter to Weight Watchers

2006-10-20T11:30:00.000-06:00

So, since I'm never one to just take no for an answer, at least not the first time I'm told no... I wrote a letter to Weight Watchers. Here it is.

Please forgive the traditional "spin" on the letter. I could not figure out how to include co-habitating/ GLBT and all the other types of families out there into my letter. Also, from my experience with WW, they are a fairly conservitive bunch, and I was trying to plead my case to that audience.

Dear Weight Watchers:

I am writing to request that you consider having an evening or weekend “Wee Ones Welcome (WOW)” meeting at each of your locations, especially the Layton office.

Please allow me to provide you with some background information supporting my request:

According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm) the following information is current to the year 2005:
Working families:
Husband only working: 20.2%
Wife only working: 6.5%
Both Husband and Wife working: 51.3%

Working mothers (Percentages are out of all mothers):
Percent of mothers in the workforce: 70.5%
Married mothers in the workforce: 68.2%
Single mothers in the workforce: 76.1%
Mothers with children less than a year old in the workforce: 53.8%

Charts are available at the above link which provides greater detail to this information.

As you can see from the above referenced information, most mothers are in the workforce. Most mothers of children under one are in the workforce. Most families also have both parents working. More than 75% of single mothers work. However, your only meeting which allows parents to bring their children with them is during the day, at a time at which most people who work are at work. The current WOW meeting accommodates the minority of parents with children, while leaving the majority of parents without a time which is convenient to them. Most parents do not have the ability to leave work to attend a Weight Watchers meeting during the week, leaving them to attend a night or weekend meeting. This means that parents must chose between attending the meeting and spending time with their children. If they are to attend a meeting, they must arrange substitute care for their children. While this may work for married parents in which only one spouse is participating in Weight Watchers, this does not work for either married couples in which both spouses are over weight and wish to participate or single parents.

You may be asking why not have the parents attend different meetings, with the other at home with the baby? 1) This suggestion does not work for single parents. 2) From my past experience with Weight Watchers, the average meeting lasts approximately an hour and a half, from weigh in time to meeting completion, with travel time added to this. It then becomes very likely that a family could be apart for an additional 4 hours each week. If the parents want to attend together, they must arrange care, with the time and expense related to that, or using the good will of family and friends. There is also a large hassle factor in this, and it basically is much easier to stay home and not have to deal with finding child care, coordinating who will attend and who will be home with the child, etc.

As you already know, people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose more weight than people who attempt to lose weight on their own. It would make sense that in a family where a weight loss plan is under way, that a couple would do better if they could attend the sessions together, so they can discuss what they learned as a family.

I can completely understand why most of your meetings are adults only. As I see it, adding an evening or weekend WOW class would add to the market base which Weight Watchers has. This would allow more single and two parent families to participate in your program. This would benefit the participants as they would have the support and guidance from your company, and would benefit your company, as a new member base which is currently underutilized would be available.

In our situation, I was a member over a year ago. I lost 30 pounds, then stopped attending, mostly because the family members I had been attending with stopped going. I then got pregnant, had a baby, and now need to lose baby weight. When I was an active participant in the program, my husband also lost weight, but frankly, I lost more than he did, and was more committed, likely because I had the support of the weekly meetings. We now both want to attend Weight Watchers, and lose the weight we have gained. With our young daughter, unless there is an evening or weekend WOW, we will not be able to attend, and will be forced to decide which one of us can attend when, rather than being able to make this a joint experience.

Earlier this week, I called your 1-800 number asking why there was not a WOW meeting in the evening. The woman stated that usually the baby stays home with the husband. That statement assumes several things, including that there is a husband, and that the husband does not want to participate lose weight. Thank you for considering my request. I would appreciate hearing from you at your earliest convenience. I would appreciate it if my letter is forwarded to the franchise owner. Please feel free to contact me via phone, email, or mail.

Sincerely,
Wendy J. LastName

My attempt to up my placement on google for this post: Weight Watchers, Salt Lake City, Utah, UT, mother, weight loss, Weight Watcher international.

Birthday Pondering

2006-10-19T10:40:00.000-06:00

Today I am 29.

What a year 28 was.

One year ago today, I had a very strong suspicion I was pregnant. I was quite in denial about it, as I had so dearly wanted to be pregnant. My breasts were very sore and tender, and I just had this feeling.

One year ago today, I had no idea what this year would bring. I did not know I was going to have a wonderful daughter. I did not know that such joy and such pain could be combined into the same thing. I had no idea the strength I would need, nor the strength I would find. I had no idea I would have a high risk pregnancy, bed rest, c/s, NICU stay. Seriously, I had always imagined that my first daughter would be named Kathryn. I just love that name. And I have a baby girl named Sydney, whom I love. Sydney fits her so much better than Kathryn does. (Maybe my next daughter, if I do decided to wade into the pregnancy pool, will be Kathryn.) I had not imagined I would not have a natural birth, and have the baby placed directly on my belly. Instead, I had a scheduled c/s, with her immediately gone. I saw her hours later. I then went 3 days of torture without her. This gave me a small perspective on how hard it is for Vince to leave us to go to military. It was never that hard for him to go before, he would miss me, but he knew I was going to rent movies I want to see, go out with friends, craft, go shopping, basically take proper care of my self. Now when he leaves, he leaves behind someone who changes. The biggest change I ever made while he was gone was I lost 8 pounds. Sydney spent half her life while he was gone. She rolled over for the first time. Milestones happen when he is gone now. She will grow and change while he is gone.

One year ago, I had no plans to leave DCFS; and here I sit at DSPD. This has been a huge change for me, and a very positive one. I'm still in shock that something which has been such a defining factor of my life is gone now.

One year ago, I was a different person. I sit here a year old, and more than a year wiser. I matured more than one year in the past year, I feel like I have aged 7 years in the last year.

One year ago, I felt ignored by the Lord. Now I again know, what I really have always known, that He hears me and answers my prayers. I thought I had learned to accept His plan through the infertility trials. I've learned that it is another level of accepting His plan completely when it comes to your children. I still wonder and am troubled by what Sydney had to learn by her rough entry into this world. I also wonder what Vince and I had to learn from her tough start.

Some of you have been reading my blog for this entire time. Some of you are newer. Some of you I've never met, some are old friends. I want to thank you all for reading my posts. You are privy to some of the most intimate details of my life, for here I post what I feel I cannot say in real life. I process what is going on with me here. Here I share my thought, fears, and dreams. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Weight Watchers – not family friendly

2006-10-17T15:02:00.000-06:00

So Vince and I are overweight. Dr. Calm mentioned that I should consider losing more weight before I TTC again…. Dr. Big Shot wanted my weight around 150, I am not there. I am 30 pounds lighter than my heaviest, but from the weight today, I actually have gained 2 pounds since I HAD the baby. I still have a net loss from the pregnancy, but to have gained weight after the baby…. Vince also says his jeans are tight, and needs to lose some weight for military purposes. I’m emotionally ready to lose more weight, and I do need the support and monitoring of a formal program.

Well, we want to go to the same Weight Watchers meeting. Here they have one “Wee Ones Welcome(WOW)” meeting a week, Monday morning. Nothing the rest of the week. I called the 1-800 number and asked about having a “WOW” meeting in the evening. I explained that DH and I want to attend together, and don’t really want She said they really only have the one meeting, for mom’s who don’t work.

GRRR…. Tangent here: WHY does everything here revolve around people who don’t work? This exists in so much craft classes, reading groups at church, so many things I want to do, but can’t because they are forgetting that most women go to work.

I asked her why no evening “WOW” meeting. She said that usually the baby stays home with the husband. I said that we both work during the day, and we do our best to be together in the evenings and weekends. I’m not happy that I have to either: flex my schedule to go to a daytime meeting, or swap the baby with Vince, or arrange day care. Either way, unless Sydney is with someone else, no Weight Watcher meetings together for us.

My brother has gotten VERY sensitive about us asking them to watch Sydney for a shot time. He went off on the IM to me. What would have worked is to drop her off for an hour and a half, go to the meeting, but there is no way I’m asking him. His wife would help, but I’m not dealing with my brother at all about this. He was really nasty and vindictive on the IM, and I’m not giving him any ammunition. I’ll just steer clear.

So, I’ll figure something out, but it won’t be what I want.

TMI, deep thought, an update, and some ranting all in one post!!

2006-10-17T12:18:00.000-06:00

So, here I am. I have several random thoughts to post, so I'll order them. Felt the need to play with color....

New Job Love it!!! The new job is very laid back. I have to be a go-getter to get any training attention. The laid back style is a refreshing and relaxing change. Problem is, I am lonely. People here are pretty solitary, meaning, I'm the only one with my door open any time. I also feel like the feeling your car makes when you mean to put the manual transmission into 5th gear, but accidentally go into 3rd or even 1st. You know, that jearking lurching, throw you against the stearing wheel feeling? Things are so much slower and low pressure here, it is odd after 4 years of constant pressure.
Had my annual OB exam today. VERY weird being there for an exam, not pregnant. Took the baby with me. She decided to scream just before Dr. Calm came in to do a pelvic, so I nursed during the pelvic. She and I talked birth control types. I'm on a progesterone only pill. I spot a lot and hate it. Thing is, the RE I saw in SLC told me that if I was not TTC, I need to be on a hormonal BC method. I'm thinking about getting Mirena inserted. She did say that I could go back to my regular pill in a couple of months. Thing is, simply put, and I told her this, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. She said her advice is to have a least 2 years between pregnancies, based on how hard the last one was. I need the time to mentally and physically heal. I need to not have to manage this every day. It is odd for me who has been though infertility to be saying this, but I do not want to get pregnant right now. I want to enjoy Sydney and Vince. I want to emotionally process what I have been through and deal with the emotions I have not dealt with. I want to "be" ready, not just accidentally get pregnant. Since I lost the weight and had surgery, my body has shown itself to be very fertile, by getting pregnant the first cycle off the pill. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think I'm making a big deal, but then I realize this is a big deal for me. She gave me some literature, and I'll think it over. One of my complaints about the pill I'm on right now is the nearly constant spotting, which she said is pretty standard with Mirena for 6 months.
OUT with the VBAC patrol. So yesterday, a couple of ladies from chuch came over. One, once she learned I had a c/s wanted to know if the doctor had "meshed" (whatever that means) or double sewed my uterine incision. Well, I partly played dumb. I've read my surgical report, it does not mention a second row of sutures, so I'm betting money I did not have them. Then she wants to know what type of uterine incision I had, and I know exactly where this is going... Yes I had a horizontal incision, and no, I don't want to VBAC. I did not want to discuss the deep emotional and physical reason's I don't want to labor, but too posh to push is not that reason. She kind of implied that was me, when I pointed out that Sydney's birth was c/s to take the risk off of her and onto me, and that I was fine with my c/s. I did not want to point out how terrifying my last pregnancy was, and how reassuring being in competant medical hands was. I also did not want to go in depth into my gynelogical history, that I've already had two uterine incisions, a deformed uterus, which was blessed to carry life, and that I am simply to scared to VBAC. I feel the risk to too great, so I have already discussed this with Dr. Calm, and she said she would prefer a c/s but would support a VBAC attempt as long as her insurance allows it. Simply put, any future children will be born by c/s and I am fine with this. Everyone can make their own choices, and this is mine. So I want the VBAC police to keep their judgements off my body. They don't have to deal with the emotional and physical consequences, I do. I know that a failed VBAC would crush me, and I would rather avoid that all together. Bascially, I'll have a nice scheduled C/S, thank you very much. Oh, she wants me to use some "slippery oak" for Sydney's nose cold, and mix it with formula. I pointed out that Sydney is breast fed. Thanks, but I'll skip the weird stuff right now.
Life is not meant to be happy and easy. It is a challenge and a grind. We are here to be tested. We are having a hard time at our home right now. Vince's car is broken, needs major brake work done, money is tight. We are on the one car fleet again, and it is so hard to get worked out. He is really struggling with school and ROTC. I got off the pressure wheel, and he got on. He is having a really hard time getting things done. I'm not helping to lessen the pressure, because I want him to get some sleep and spend some time with us. He is having a hard time with his classes. I wish I could just do the work for him, but that would not help him.
Krista is one of those people on the internet who you never meet, but changes your life for good. Krista has brain cancer, and had been re-occurance free for 10 months. She has beaten the odds by where she is today. At her last MRI, there was increased growth, and she has to change drugs and hope the new, nastier ones work. I read this today, and it made me so sad. Krista has done made so many positive improvements in so many lives, mine included. I had so prayed that the cancer would disappear, that this trial would be done for her. It just made me sad to read this news. HUGS Krista.

Flood o' Fun

2006-10-10T21:58:00.000-06:00

1) Yesterday, my kitchen flooded because of a malfunction in the water heater. Landlord unreachable problem not solved. Problem still exists.

Forgiveness

2006-10-05T23:00:00.000-06:00

for‧give‧ness [fer-giv-nis] –noun

1.	act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.

2.	disposition or willingness to forgive.

[Origin: bef. 900; ME forgifenesse, OE forgifennys. See forgive, -ness]

forgiveness

n 1: compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive 2: the act of excusing a mistake or offense [syn: pardon]

Rambling C/S post

2006-10-03T20:50:00.000-06:00

I posted this on mothering.com, a bb I frequently hang out at.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peppermint
I have a couple of questions that are c-section related.I wish I could ask all of these questions on the regular forums, but I can't spend a ton of time defending my c-sections, BTDT here quite a few times.I feel like because I am *choosing* a repeat c-section, I don't get to make choices for the baby that are "natural". I just want what is best for the little Bean....

I just made the mistake of wandering into birth and beyond and into home birthing. It was this thread which prompted these emotions. I wanna go into labor. I wanna push. I don't want to be judged because my baby was born through my abdomen, not my vagina. I had a medically necessary c/s and I still feel that I am, at least emotionally, defending this. I know that had I not had a c/s DD would not have been alive. Had I done UP (no prenatal care), there is no chance in hell DD would be alive. I would never do UP, and would likely never do a home birth, but those choices are gone from me forever. There is no way I could in good concience have a "low tech" pregnancy. I will likely be high risk as the growth problems can happen at any time in the pregnancy. I would be terrified that without regular u/s we would miss IUGR in my next pregnancy.

I guess I'm sad for what will not be. Hopefully, my next pregnancy will be easy, followed by a ERCS (elective repeat c-section) - at least on paper. I know that due to uterine malformations, two uterine surgeries, etc, I am at a high risk for rupture, and do not feel the need to "prove" anything, not when I knowingly risk my daughter being without a mother. My next c/s will and won't be elective, due to the risks, but I feel I will have to defend this even more, than I feel I need to defend my first c/s.

Another poster on another board said that having a c/s you miss the best part of having a baby - the having of the baby. Am I less of a momma because I never felt a contraction? Or does the 2 months spent on bed rest compensate for that? How about the 48 days in the NICU, being told when and how I can hold DD, how I can mother her? Am I less of a momma because I won't push out baby number 2? If I have a baby number 2? I DESPARATELY want another baby, but am terrified of going through this again.

And what IF I chose a primary c/s? Does that make me a bad person?, a bad mommy? I would say no, it does not. I don't think I am less a mommy because I did not labor. I feel I am her mommy. I was her mommy since before she was concieved, and by my religious beliefs, I will be her mommy for eternity. By the same token, my Bro and SIL are hoping to adopt, and I firmly believe that she will be a mommy just the same as I, even though she did not get pregnant at all.

Honestly, I don't have c/s issues like so many others do. My c/s was not forced on me, it was an educated decision made with the guidance of a OB whom I trust. I trusted her with mine and DD's lives, and she cared for us and helped me bring my baby to life in the only way possible, by c/s. I do not feel I was birth abused, frankly the abuse occured in the NICU, mostly by a fellow social worker. I feel how I was treated by her is part of why I am getting out of child welfare. (The fact I hate my supervisor helps that one too.) I will miss child welfare. I will miss the children. I just don't want to be as involved a social worker as before, as I'm terrified that I'll repeat what the bitchy social worker did to me.

I too want what is best for my next bean, and I did what was best for this bean, the bean currently currled up on my bed. Maybe this is my white flag in the mommy wars. Maybe I'm asserting that my birth is just as valid as anyone elses. Life came from my womb, a life for which we were terrified would never come because of infertility. You can be a mommy without giving birth, as through adoption. So am I, other women who did not birth vaginally, and mommy's by adoption lesser mommies? No. I'm not attacking any one else's position I'm just stating mine. I wanted to vaginally birth. My body was not made to do that. My uterus is deformed, and I am blessed it was able to contain my baby long enough to give life.

That's all I have to say now. Thanks for reading.

Commitment

2006-10-02T22:16:00.000-06:00

So I have some big posts brewing, but right now I need to make some public commitments to myself. See I have senioritis something fierce at my old job, and have so much to do, because I've procrastinated like usual.

So here are my commitments for tomorrow, Tuesday:

I will not visit any of the following URLs at work: Blogger.com, Mothering.com, Hotmail.com, Ebay.com, SLtrib.com, Desnews.com, ksl.com, kutv.com, livejournal.com, youtube.com, msn.com, msnbc.com (I am confessing my dorking around web sites.)
I will arrive at work by 8:00, meaning I drop Sydney off at 7:45, meaning I get up at 6:30.
I will eat breakfast.
I will complete all three court reports by 9:30.
I will dictate logs for 15 minutes each hour.
I will complete all over due service plans.
I will complete 4 assessments.
I will take a 45 minute lunch.
I will work until 5:20
I will organize 50% of my desk.
I will not look for people on the IM to goof off with, and will not roam the halls to do the same.

Punishment: If I do not do this, I will not be able to watch dancing with the stars Tuesday night. This is a harsh punishment for me.

Reward: If I have completed the court reports by 9:30, I will allow myself to go vote on the wedding on the today show. I will go directly to the wedding page, will not pass go, will not collect $200.

If I have been productive till noon, I can have a nice lunch. Otherwise, I will eat the TV dinner in the freezer at my desk.

If I have been productive all day, I will order out. Otherwise I have to cook something.

There is my plan, please nag me tomorrow and see if I followed it.

Disclaimer

2006-09-17T01:11:00.000-06:00

I am very proud of my ability and desire to breast feed. I mean no offense to anyone who cannot or choses to not breast feed. Your choices and experiences are as valid as mine, and I mean no disrespect. I know there are situations where breast feeding is intensly desired and not possible, and want to state that any future possible posts re: breast feeding and formula are not directed toward any person.

Just wanted to post that in response to some (a lot) of my blinkies and my new ticker, as well as planned future blog enteries.

Updating

2006-09-17T00:31:00.000-06:00

YES!!!!!!!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPEE!!!!!!!!!!

I will be a caseworker with the Division of Services to People with Disabilities. I am beyond excited. I nearly screamed when they offered me the job. I am beyond happy. Notice my new ticker. Same pay, benefits, etc. I even just work next door, so no commute change.

Basically between the pressures of child welfare administration and the drama and pain of my caseload, I'm done. I will miss working with the teens, but I just need a change. I don't want to get fired, and fear I will because I cannot meet the stupidly impossible standards they have set. My supervisor does NOTHING but say yes master to administration. She does nothing to protect or advocate for workers.

Example: Last Friday, I called her, facing a possible removal of 4 children at about 4:30pm. By that point, I had mearly 30 minutes left in my 40 hours. She grudgingly approved Overtime. The removal was avoided. I told her then that it was likely that I would need overtime the next Friday, as the removal was basically postponed a week. I explained to her that I do not wish to end up working unti 9 on Friday if I don't have to, so may need overtime again. She declined to approve OT, said to have oncall do this. Which is fine, but the paperwork which goes along with a removal would have been my responsibility. Want to know why we lie and put down 40? DCFS is being sued for violating OT policy, but then refuses to authorize it. What would the harm be in authorizing up to 5, which is fully within her discretion?

Why would I expect more from her? I don't know why. This is the woman who asked me if my pregnancy was planned and what my plans were for it when I told her I was pregnant. This is the woman who made comments about my "vacation" referring to my bedrest. She wanted to know if I really had to take the time off. This is the woman who called me the day after I came home from the hospital wanting to know when I was coming back. Ummm lets see, just off narcs, really sore incision, really sick baby in NICU, how about tomorrow. That phone call was the ONLY reason I was back at work 2 weeks after a c-section. I was worried I would lose my job. I knew I wanted to have some time left for when Syd came home to mommy her, and knew if I did not go back, I would have no time. As it was, I had one week home with her. When we were reviewing my cases, which the covering worker did NOTHING on while I was off, asked "what have you (meaning me) learned from this?" I made some smart answers, and she replied "don't get pregnant." I could go on about the other insensitive pregnancy comments, but will refrain. I will add that another co-worker has experienced similar problems.

Basically, her attitude has been harder and harder to deal with. I can't stand working for her. A new supervisor and building manager both are very promising, and I am sad to leave the possibilities they may be bringing. I don't want to work with my supervisor anymore.

I don't want to work with my clients anymore. I have the reputation of being able to handle the hard clients. I have worked hard to earn this reputation. Problem with this is that my caseload has become the dumping ground for the hard cases. In the last year, I have had some very hard demanding cases. Bad abuse, domestic violence, manipulation. The parents are so hard to work with. I went a year with no formal complaints, I've had 6 since March. I have not changed how I work, my clients have been the hardest to work with. If I stand up to them, they complain. I cave, the children are at risk.

Friday was the last time, I hope, that I witness a removal in court. I hope it is the last time I advocate for a removal. The mom is one of the worst cases of emotional maltreatment I have ever seen. She was ordered to behave, then abused them in the office lobby. The children went with their father. Even thought I fully support the removal, I still hated seeing mom cry in court. She has another one on the way, same OB as me.

The emotional baggage I carry from this job will be with me forever. I want to escape to a happy place where children are loved and nurtured, like my baby is. I want to forget about incest, child porn, abuse, and threats. I want to retreat into my happy marraige, instead of witnessing the destruction of relationships which never should have been. I am tired of fearing for my safety. I am tired of worrying if a client will follow me home and harm me. I had a nightmare about a client coming to the hospital and harassing me there, and no one would come and help. I am tired of this. It hurts. I want to go to work and leave it there, and not have it come into my home, my bed, my dreams.

Maybe I can go off the happy pills with my new job. I've been on them for over 2 years now. Who knows.

I am so happy. I so needed a new job.

And the quiz is right

2006-09-17T00:29:00.000-06:00

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty.
At work and school, you do best when you're researching.
When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.

In friendship, you are considerate and compromising.
Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking.
You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

Even tough I got in the baby way...

2006-09-17T00:16:00.000-06:00

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Money

2006-09-17T00:07:00.000-06:00

Your Life Is Worth...

$544,000 and What does cold sores have to do with my life value???????

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

I'm Charlotte

2006-09-17T00:04:00.000-06:00

You Are Most Like Charlotte!

You are the ultimate romantic idealist
You've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love.
If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever.
And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you.

Romantic prediction: That guy you are Married to?

Could be very forever, and damn well better be since you just had a baby with him.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

ChChChChanging

2006-09-16T23:56:00.000-06:00

You've Changed 64% in 10 Years

Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal.
In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

I'm 27, Guess I'm experienced

2006-09-16T23:54:00.000-06:00

You've Experienced 72% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get.

And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Video

2006-09-13T00:15:00.000-06:00

I will stop being a slacker. In the mean time quick update.

Faith wanted to know how I handle my job....by searching for a new one. I have a second interview today wish me luck....

And for all those who keep checking, I have discovered YouTube. Video here. I'm getting more things uploaded and will restart posting very soon.

Blinkies

2006-09-06T23:21:00.000-06:00

So I'm taking a break from the birth story, need an emotional pause.

Instead I wasted an evening discovering blinkies and cut and pasting them.... See below. I'm still looking for some about my favorite "George".

Also, if any of you know how to make blinkies, can you tell me how? So far, I "borrowed" all these from photobucket.