So, because I am so busy, I ended up typing a letter to Vince. There is nothing too personal in it, and I describe what my feelings are now about living with my mom. I am too busy to re-type this, so here it is.
Dear Vince:
Sorry I’m typing again. I will try to write you a letter tonight. Last night, Sydney started crying when I tried to write you. I feel very bad because I know you need letters right now because you are in the field and things are stressful. It has been very hard to find time to write you. Basically, I get harassed and teased by my family when I try when they are around, so I stopped trying. I try to write you after everyone goes to bed, but I get tired too, and last night Sydney was crying. I feel bad because you are getting me letters, and I really have not sent you a real letter since Thursday. I will try harder, but I am very busy and stretched thin.
I am doing ok, I want you to know that. I am just busy and tired. I want to be home. I am tired of dealing with my family. I miss our home and life together. I miss the cats and my own washer and dryer. I miss our bed. I just want to be home. It has been very hard living with my mom and sisters. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but this is VERY hard for me. I just want our normal life back. It is hard to parent with a parenting “expert” there constantly. I would just move home, but I don’t know what I would do for day care. It is stressful. I don’t want to do this again for the 2 weeks you are gone, but I also can’t think of another plan. I spend all my time in the car driving and feel I have no time with Sydney. And when I am there, I have to share her. I am having a hard time with my mom’s lifestyle and rules. I also want her to stop giving me marriage tips. She is trying to help, but the marriage she keeps “tipping” me to have would drive me nuts. I don’t want her marriage, I like ours just fine. I also am not parenting Sydney the way I want too, because she keeps “helping” me on what to do. I just want privacy. Yesterday, my grandma Tuff came over to see the baby, right as Sydney wanted to eat. Instead of leaving, she stayed and watched. Sydney was having a hard time staying latched and then was having a crappy latch, so it was a hard session. This was complicated by my grandma being there, so I was fighting with a blanket and an audience, who never breast feed herself. I wanted to scream. I wanted to say I needed privacy, but I am really concerned with not upsetting them. Thing is, I am upset. I feel very tromped on and unhappy. I really don’t know what to do.
I am doing ok. I don’t want you to think that I am not. This is just hard. I mean when Sydney was in the hospital, at least we were together and at home. My mom also has very little tolerance for me having emotions. She does not want to hear how hard this is for me. She does not want to hear that I miss you, that I hate working. She does not want to believe that living with her is very hard for me. I mean, I’ve had my own life for 7 years now. I’m also not supposed to be affected by Sydney being in the NICU. She is trying to be supportive, but she is not being supportive in the way I need it. She thinks her life is hardest, and I have nothing to complain about.
I miss having you to tell the little things about. My nipples are so sore from the crappy nursing session yesterday, but I have no one to tell about. I miss our daily interactions and the little ways that you make my life so much better.
FYI, Sydney is sleeping with me. It ticks my mom off. I don’t know why, because she co-slept with us, but she thinks Sydney belongs in her crib. It is so much easier for me to have Sydney with me. I start her out in her bed, but when she gets up to be fed, she stays with me. Since she is breast feeding so well, I hook her on and go back to sleep. I don’t see any reason to wake my self up to put her back, only to have to get her in a couple of hours. Just so you know, I plan on keeping that in place. We may what to move her cradle, but I just think she can stay with us. We can talk about this when you get home, but I just wanted to prepare you. Oh, this does not preclude pleasure times. She can be in her cradle just fine there. Just thought you might get worried about that, so don’t. I miss your touch so much.
I hope everything is ok. Please stay strong and focused. I love you very much. I got your card yesterday, and it touched me. Thanks for sending me the card. I am ok, and I am sorry this is a whining letter. I did not mean for it to be that way, but it turned out so.
I love you very much. Sydney is doing great. I take her for a weight check on July 31. She is growing and making so much progress. She has an orange stuffed monkey she loves to stare at. She stares at it for hours. It is so cute. She is trying to turn herself over. She likes her bath a lot as well. She is healthy and doing wonderful. She looks so much like you. I love her so much, and tell her that you love her as well.
Be strong. By my calendar, you come home in 9 days from today. You are on day 24. You should be able to call me on August 31, in 4 days. I am so wanting to hear your voice.
I love you so much.
Yours forever,
Wendy
Army Wife Blinkies
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Angry
Yesterday, I came across a girl selling cookies outside of the grocery store. She is about 8. I was about to ignore her, when she said she and her mom baked them. I asked her what she was selling the cookies for, and she said her grandpa needed an operation. I asked if he was sick, and she said he is very sick. I bought a bag, and refused her offer of change or more bags. I told her that I wanted her grandpa to have the money.
The bag and cookies had been prepared with care. The bag was a party grab bag from the movie “Cars” with a ribbon tied on top, with the ends curled. The cookies were small, but cooked with skill and with large chocolate chips in them. As I ate the cookies, I recognized an additional flavoring not usually found in chocolate chip cookies: desperation.
I am angry that in this very wealth country I live in, that a little girl and her mom are baking cookies hoping to raise enough money to save her grandpa’s life. I am angry that a little girl has to basically beg to try to pay for the surgery. I am angry we do not have a safety net for those who need medical help. I shudder to think what will happen if they can’t raise enough money to pay for the operation. Will they feel immense guilt as they bury him, believing they failed in their efforts? Will they know they did their best, and will that comfort them as they celebrate Christmas, birthdays, and weddings with him missing?
I fear for them, as I can guess how much money they have to raise. I’ll bet they need to sell about 50,000 of those $1 bag cookies.
I wonder what would have happened to me and Sydney had we not had health insurance. Would I have gotten the level II ultrasounds that I needed every other week? Or would the hospital have cut me off, as they were not life emergency events? Without those ultrasounds checking and monitoring her growth, we would not have known how serious the IUGR was. Had this been missed, she would have likely died in utero, likely within a week of when she was delivered. Would I have been followed as closely as I was? Would the stress of the medical bills made the IUGR even worse? Would I have had the medical care I needed for her and I to get through this alive and healthy?
So far, I would have needed to sell over 20,000 cookie bags for my care alone (rough guess). Sydney’s bill for the neonatologists ALONE would be over 36,000 cookie bags. Yes you read that right. The bill for the neonatologists ONLY for the 41 days she was in the NICU is over $36,000. Of course, they got less than that, because of the adjustments for insurance. My insurance company paid them around $30,300. That is more than what my OB, the perinatologists, the pathologist, the anesthesiologist, and the hospital (in and out patient care) were paid for my care. See why we end up with little girls selling cookies in a desperate attempt to pay for an operation? WHO can afford to pay that out of pocket? We have not seen a hospital bill yet, but I’m expecting it to be over half a million dollars. I’m not arguing that the doctors earn their money, but I am saying that the cost of their care is unaffordable to most people. What would we have done if we were not able to afford this? Can I put a price on the life of someone I love? No, I cannot. I am grateful for the skilled care that Sydney and I received. This is not meant to be a condemnation of doctors, but of the cost of health care and the system we currently live under. I'm not sure that stock holders profit margins should come into health care decisions.
I know that we need money to pay for doctors, medicines, tests, drugs, nurses. I don’t know the solution. I don’t believe that socialized medicine is the way to go, but I also do not believe that needed health care should be the privilege of the wealthy or the poor. I say the poor as well as the wealthy, as the poor usually qualify for Medicaid. The middle class, too rich for Medicaid and too poor to pay for this themselves are the ones that fall into the cracks.
I don’t have any big ideas on what to do.
From the Declaration of Independence
The bag and cookies had been prepared with care. The bag was a party grab bag from the movie “Cars” with a ribbon tied on top, with the ends curled. The cookies were small, but cooked with skill and with large chocolate chips in them. As I ate the cookies, I recognized an additional flavoring not usually found in chocolate chip cookies: desperation.
I am angry that in this very wealth country I live in, that a little girl and her mom are baking cookies hoping to raise enough money to save her grandpa’s life. I am angry that a little girl has to basically beg to try to pay for the surgery. I am angry we do not have a safety net for those who need medical help. I shudder to think what will happen if they can’t raise enough money to pay for the operation. Will they feel immense guilt as they bury him, believing they failed in their efforts? Will they know they did their best, and will that comfort them as they celebrate Christmas, birthdays, and weddings with him missing?
I fear for them, as I can guess how much money they have to raise. I’ll bet they need to sell about 50,000 of those $1 bag cookies.
I wonder what would have happened to me and Sydney had we not had health insurance. Would I have gotten the level II ultrasounds that I needed every other week? Or would the hospital have cut me off, as they were not life emergency events? Without those ultrasounds checking and monitoring her growth, we would not have known how serious the IUGR was. Had this been missed, she would have likely died in utero, likely within a week of when she was delivered. Would I have been followed as closely as I was? Would the stress of the medical bills made the IUGR even worse? Would I have had the medical care I needed for her and I to get through this alive and healthy?
So far, I would have needed to sell over 20,000 cookie bags for my care alone (rough guess). Sydney’s bill for the neonatologists ALONE would be over 36,000 cookie bags. Yes you read that right. The bill for the neonatologists ONLY for the 41 days she was in the NICU is over $36,000. Of course, they got less than that, because of the adjustments for insurance. My insurance company paid them around $30,300. That is more than what my OB, the perinatologists, the pathologist, the anesthesiologist, and the hospital (in and out patient care) were paid for my care. See why we end up with little girls selling cookies in a desperate attempt to pay for an operation? WHO can afford to pay that out of pocket? We have not seen a hospital bill yet, but I’m expecting it to be over half a million dollars. I’m not arguing that the doctors earn their money, but I am saying that the cost of their care is unaffordable to most people. What would we have done if we were not able to afford this? Can I put a price on the life of someone I love? No, I cannot. I am grateful for the skilled care that Sydney and I received. This is not meant to be a condemnation of doctors, but of the cost of health care and the system we currently live under. I'm not sure that stock holders profit margins should come into health care decisions.
I know that we need money to pay for doctors, medicines, tests, drugs, nurses. I don’t know the solution. I don’t believe that socialized medicine is the way to go, but I also do not believe that needed health care should be the privilege of the wealthy or the poor. I say the poor as well as the wealthy, as the poor usually qualify for Medicaid. The middle class, too rich for Medicaid and too poor to pay for this themselves are the ones that fall into the cracks.
I don’t have any big ideas on what to do.
From the Declaration of Independence
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.I believe that health care falls under both Life and the pursuit of happiness. The next sentence says that is why we have a government instated, to secure these rights. Do I want a system like they have in Great Britain, not really, but I believe there is a better way then we have now, when decisions are made based on profit, not people. I also believe that the only way change will be made is if the government steps in and does something. This goes against my beliefs in a smaller government, but I just don’t want any more jars on counters, little girls at grocery stores, or car washes trying to raise money to pay for something which I feel should be the right of every person on this planet: access to affordable and excellent health care.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Counting
I’m not a poet by any means, but this came to mind.
Counting
Numbers never seem to have lasted so long
X’s on my calendar never have meant so much
Spaces between me and thee have numerical meanings
Days apart
Days waiting
Days dreaming
Each number too high
Each night too long
The numbers mark my loneliness but not the depth
Keeping track is all I can do to mark our separation and our reuniting
Numbers give me something to track, cross out, and count again and again.
Counting down, and counting upI wait, and cross out numbers.
Counting
Numbers never seem to have lasted so long
X’s on my calendar never have meant so much
Spaces between me and thee have numerical meanings
Days apart
Days waiting
Days dreaming
Each number too high
Each night too long
The numbers mark my loneliness but not the depth
Keeping track is all I can do to mark our separation and our reuniting
Numbers give me something to track, cross out, and count again and again.
Counting down, and counting upI wait, and cross out numbers.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Get over it
There has been a lot of news lately about premature births. From a Newsweek article, the average cost of a preemie is $51,000. Premature births have risen 30% and no one seems to know the cause or what to do. Bed rest does not appear to lower the rate of prematurity.
I’ve been in this heartbreaking situation. With Interuterine Growth Restriction, there was no known cause, and nothing they could do. Some doctors try using Viagra and aspirin to increase blood flow, but there are no studies on this. I was placed on bed rest. If I were to guess how to help this problem, I would suggest that scientists figure out a way to either stop placental degradation, enhance what placental function exists, or how to restart a failing placenta. As IUGR is fairly rare, there is not a lot of money to be made off of this research, so no real motivation for the drug companies to do anything about it.
I’d also like to add, that there was NOTHING I did to cause this, and nothing I could have done to prevent it. I was intensively monitored, received the steroid shots for her lungs, hung out on bed rest for months, and basically did everything I could to have a healthy pregnancy.
My sister was joking that she was going to jump over a cement pole in a parking lot. I told her go ahead, but if she breaks her pelvis, I’m not visiting her in the hospital. She would be at the same hospital as Sydney was. I don’t want to go back there for a long time. After basically living there for 6 weeks, I don’t ever want to go there again. I mentioned this to my sister, and she told me to get over it. Sydney is home, why should I dread that hospital?
Thing is, I can’t just “get over it”. I went through a life-altering event there. My life will never be the same. I went through an entire range of emotions there. My world was turned upside down there. Some of the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs occurred there. My caesarian scar is not the only scar I carry from this experience. I am scared emotionally, physically, and mentally. Honestly, my caesarian scar was one of the easiest ones to heal.
I bear the scar of seeing my baby six hours after she was born, hooked up to tubes. I bear the scar of watching her over stimulate from my touch. I bear the scar of worrying if she will eat. I bear the scar of those 5 seconds with no crying. I bear the scar of watching her have an IV put in and a blood transfusion. I bear the scar of having to start pumping rather than breast-feeding. I bear the scar that comes when one leave their baby in the hospital. I bear the scar of being told I cannot see or hold my baby. I bear the scar of having her born early because my body failed at its most primal level.
My marriage bears these scars as well. We had some very emotional fights while Sydney was in the NICU. Our first child was born small, sick, and vulnerable. We had disagreements over her care, medical staff, and how to proceed. My husband has scars of his own. He watched me be cut open. He watched as I vomited for hours. He watched as I cried when he and I removed the bandage. He held my hands as they put the spinal in, and I admitted to him I was terrified. He had to be strong when I was weak.
I think that I will get over Sydney’s prematurity as easily as it is to “get over” the death of a loved one. For a loved one did die, that loved one being the longed for healthy fat baby. I love Sydney, but I don’t think anyone dreams of having a premature baby.
Anyway, these are my musings due to the news coverage of prematurity.
I’ve been in this heartbreaking situation. With Interuterine Growth Restriction, there was no known cause, and nothing they could do. Some doctors try using Viagra and aspirin to increase blood flow, but there are no studies on this. I was placed on bed rest. If I were to guess how to help this problem, I would suggest that scientists figure out a way to either stop placental degradation, enhance what placental function exists, or how to restart a failing placenta. As IUGR is fairly rare, there is not a lot of money to be made off of this research, so no real motivation for the drug companies to do anything about it.
I’d also like to add, that there was NOTHING I did to cause this, and nothing I could have done to prevent it. I was intensively monitored, received the steroid shots for her lungs, hung out on bed rest for months, and basically did everything I could to have a healthy pregnancy.
My sister was joking that she was going to jump over a cement pole in a parking lot. I told her go ahead, but if she breaks her pelvis, I’m not visiting her in the hospital. She would be at the same hospital as Sydney was. I don’t want to go back there for a long time. After basically living there for 6 weeks, I don’t ever want to go there again. I mentioned this to my sister, and she told me to get over it. Sydney is home, why should I dread that hospital?
Thing is, I can’t just “get over it”. I went through a life-altering event there. My life will never be the same. I went through an entire range of emotions there. My world was turned upside down there. Some of the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs occurred there. My caesarian scar is not the only scar I carry from this experience. I am scared emotionally, physically, and mentally. Honestly, my caesarian scar was one of the easiest ones to heal.
I bear the scar of seeing my baby six hours after she was born, hooked up to tubes. I bear the scar of watching her over stimulate from my touch. I bear the scar of worrying if she will eat. I bear the scar of those 5 seconds with no crying. I bear the scar of watching her have an IV put in and a blood transfusion. I bear the scar of having to start pumping rather than breast-feeding. I bear the scar that comes when one leave their baby in the hospital. I bear the scar of being told I cannot see or hold my baby. I bear the scar of having her born early because my body failed at its most primal level.
My marriage bears these scars as well. We had some very emotional fights while Sydney was in the NICU. Our first child was born small, sick, and vulnerable. We had disagreements over her care, medical staff, and how to proceed. My husband has scars of his own. He watched me be cut open. He watched as I vomited for hours. He watched as I cried when he and I removed the bandage. He held my hands as they put the spinal in, and I admitted to him I was terrified. He had to be strong when I was weak.
I think that I will get over Sydney’s prematurity as easily as it is to “get over” the death of a loved one. For a loved one did die, that loved one being the longed for healthy fat baby. I love Sydney, but I don’t think anyone dreams of having a premature baby.
Anyway, these are my musings due to the news coverage of prematurity.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The weirdness of normal
Basically, life for me stopped being normal in January, with the high alpha-fetal protein test result. Since that time, I've been caught up in the world of high risk pregnancy and neonatal medicine. Life has slowed down, and is at a more normal pace. Even Vince being gone is normal, as it is an expected part of military life. I'm back at work.
Thing is, normal feels weird. Normal became trips to the doctors, ultrasounds, hospital visits, worried phone calls. Normal is not normal any more.
After all that emotional stress and dismay, to be sitting at my desk is a victory. That my daughter is whole, healthy, alive, and happy is a blessing.
After all the stress and turmoil, it is hard to relax and enjoy life. I keep feeling like something should be happening, that I need a test or something like that, or that the other shoe will drop. I feel like I should be at the doctor's office or hospital. I need to change Sydney's appointment tomorrow, and I'm worrying that because I move it to next week, something will happen.
I dreamed of life being normal, and now that it is, the echos of the stress since January haunts me.
Thing is, normal feels weird. Normal became trips to the doctors, ultrasounds, hospital visits, worried phone calls. Normal is not normal any more.
After all that emotional stress and dismay, to be sitting at my desk is a victory. That my daughter is whole, healthy, alive, and happy is a blessing.
After all the stress and turmoil, it is hard to relax and enjoy life. I keep feeling like something should be happening, that I need a test or something like that, or that the other shoe will drop. I feel like I should be at the doctor's office or hospital. I need to change Sydney's appointment tomorrow, and I'm worrying that because I move it to next week, something will happen.
I dreamed of life being normal, and now that it is, the echos of the stress since January haunts me.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Lonely and whining
I miss my husband. I'm tired of being at my mom's. I back at work full time and I hate my job and being away from my baby. That's my post in a nutshell.
I knew he would have to leave, and I know why, but that does not make today any easier. I know he is coming home. I just miss him. I want him to be here with me and Sydney. I want to be hugged and held.
Vince went to a military training for 33 days. He left on the Forth of July. We accidentally slept in the day he left so I barely had any time to say goodbye. The week before had been a wonderful blur of Sydney coming home and adjusting to that, and now it is over and he is gone. I got a glimpse of what life as a family was like, and then it was gone. We had a wonderful week.
The training he is at is a difficult one. It is much more restrictive than any training he has been at. The reason is that for some reason, not everyone at this training has been through boot. So they are treating everyone like they have not been through boot, rather then sending the non-boot attenders to boot and letting the other experienced soldiers have a better training. They took away all their cell phones. I could go into a long diatribe about that, but won't. They also took away the power bars, beef jerky, and other snacks I sent with him. I was so busy with Sydney, that getting him the snacks was about all I did to help him get ready, and they took that away. We did not have a phone card for him to call, as we have always used the cell phones in the past. I could go into how we are on a cell phone plan mostly so that when he is away he can call me all he wants with no roaming or minute charges, but I won't. Anyway, not like it matters, because he won't get phone privileges until somewhere between day 8 and 14. I know this is what we signed up for, but I'm really peeved at the military right now. I'm just unhappy about this situation.
Because my family is worried about me pulling a Brooke Shields and going all postpartum, I've basically moved in with my mom. Seriously, I am taking my wellbutrin, so I should be fine. That is a WHOLE other difficult story. I have NO privacy. I feel for some dumb reason that I have to sneak writing to Vince, because I don't want to be harassed. I don't want them to see me cry. I sure as hell can't write a CTR* letter to Vince with my mom and sisters hanging around. My mom has super tight Internet filters, and since I don't want her to know about this blog, I can't update it at her house. I'm also sick of having to ask permission, IE: Can I use the computer? Can I eat this lunch meat? Can I take a shower or is someone else getting in? I am sick of not having the food I am used to in the house. I went and bought my expensive, totally worth it organic milk, and got a lecture about spending $3.50 on a half gallon.
It is a hard balancing act between remembering that I am the mom of someone in the house, and that I don't have to do what my mom wants all the time. I went on a bit of retail therapy this week, and when I brought it to her house, she wanted to know if I could afford all of this. Yes I can, because we sold our soul to the devil for a large bonus, which is why Vince is gone.
My mom keeps going on about Sydney needing to be on a schedule. She tells me how my dad would never agree to this, and she wanted one. Sydney's bed time is about 9. This won't work in the school year because Vince won't get home until 8:30pm. He will have her in the afternoon most days, but not all. I think he needs time with her as well. She also wants me to call the great-grandparents and let them know they can come see her between when I get home from work to her bed time. Maybe I'm feeling selfish, but I don't want to share my time. My mom and sisters are already really involved and I sometimes feel pushed out. I am getting better at asking them to help with the grunt work. My sis wanted to get Sydney dressed today, I asked her to throw our dirty clothes in the washer. She asked if she could help. I am there to get help with the grunt work of parenting, so I can be more available to do the bonding work of parenting. My mom is a neat freak, and I am not. I want to throw my dirty underwear on the floor and not make the bed. I leave my shoes all over the place, and I'm driving her nuts.
Thankfully, Sydney is breast feeding very well. I barely bottle feed her, except when she is away from me. My sisters are being rather immature about this, exaggerating covering their eyes and stuff like that. They also act miffed because they want to feed her, and I say I'm going to breast feed her, and they can't do that. I am tired of covering myself in what is supposed to be my home. I'm not talking about walking around naked or anything like that, but I've gotten over being modest about my breasts when it comes to breast feeding. If a nipple shows, a nipple shows, in my opinion. Thing is, my mom's house is not my home. It has not been my home for 7+ years. My home is in 30 miles from her home, where I live with my husband, baby, and 3 cats. Her home does not feel like home.
I'm trying to not be selfish, but I am. Sydney and I were separated for so long, and now I am back at work full time. She is separated from her father. I want as much time with her as I can have, and they can have what is left. Hopefully, this will lessen this week, as they are my day care providers. (See why I can't just tell them to bug off? I can't make them mad because I need them to watch Sydney. ) I am seeing growth in my sisters, and my mom is trying to back off.
I just want to go back to the week where Vince and I loved and cared for Sydney together. That's what I want.
Also, on a positive note, as I have really not felt this way for MONTHS, I am horny as hell, and my lover is far away.
*CTR in the LDS church stands for Chose the Right. It is on rings, etc in the realm of WWJD stuff. However, for Vince and I, it is a code for a hot and sexy letter. We thought of it so he knows not to open and read the letter until an appropriate time, like when he is not surrounded by guys who can read over his shoulder.
I knew he would have to leave, and I know why, but that does not make today any easier. I know he is coming home. I just miss him. I want him to be here with me and Sydney. I want to be hugged and held.
Vince went to a military training for 33 days. He left on the Forth of July. We accidentally slept in the day he left so I barely had any time to say goodbye. The week before had been a wonderful blur of Sydney coming home and adjusting to that, and now it is over and he is gone. I got a glimpse of what life as a family was like, and then it was gone. We had a wonderful week.
The training he is at is a difficult one. It is much more restrictive than any training he has been at. The reason is that for some reason, not everyone at this training has been through boot. So they are treating everyone like they have not been through boot, rather then sending the non-boot attenders to boot and letting the other experienced soldiers have a better training. They took away all their cell phones. I could go into a long diatribe about that, but won't. They also took away the power bars, beef jerky, and other snacks I sent with him. I was so busy with Sydney, that getting him the snacks was about all I did to help him get ready, and they took that away. We did not have a phone card for him to call, as we have always used the cell phones in the past. I could go into how we are on a cell phone plan mostly so that when he is away he can call me all he wants with no roaming or minute charges, but I won't. Anyway, not like it matters, because he won't get phone privileges until somewhere between day 8 and 14. I know this is what we signed up for, but I'm really peeved at the military right now. I'm just unhappy about this situation.
Because my family is worried about me pulling a Brooke Shields and going all postpartum, I've basically moved in with my mom. Seriously, I am taking my wellbutrin, so I should be fine. That is a WHOLE other difficult story. I have NO privacy. I feel for some dumb reason that I have to sneak writing to Vince, because I don't want to be harassed. I don't want them to see me cry. I sure as hell can't write a CTR* letter to Vince with my mom and sisters hanging around. My mom has super tight Internet filters, and since I don't want her to know about this blog, I can't update it at her house. I'm also sick of having to ask permission, IE: Can I use the computer? Can I eat this lunch meat? Can I take a shower or is someone else getting in? I am sick of not having the food I am used to in the house. I went and bought my expensive, totally worth it organic milk, and got a lecture about spending $3.50 on a half gallon.
It is a hard balancing act between remembering that I am the mom of someone in the house, and that I don't have to do what my mom wants all the time. I went on a bit of retail therapy this week, and when I brought it to her house, she wanted to know if I could afford all of this. Yes I can, because we sold our soul to the devil for a large bonus, which is why Vince is gone.
My mom keeps going on about Sydney needing to be on a schedule. She tells me how my dad would never agree to this, and she wanted one. Sydney's bed time is about 9. This won't work in the school year because Vince won't get home until 8:30pm. He will have her in the afternoon most days, but not all. I think he needs time with her as well. She also wants me to call the great-grandparents and let them know they can come see her between when I get home from work to her bed time. Maybe I'm feeling selfish, but I don't want to share my time. My mom and sisters are already really involved and I sometimes feel pushed out. I am getting better at asking them to help with the grunt work. My sis wanted to get Sydney dressed today, I asked her to throw our dirty clothes in the washer. She asked if she could help. I am there to get help with the grunt work of parenting, so I can be more available to do the bonding work of parenting. My mom is a neat freak, and I am not. I want to throw my dirty underwear on the floor and not make the bed. I leave my shoes all over the place, and I'm driving her nuts.
Thankfully, Sydney is breast feeding very well. I barely bottle feed her, except when she is away from me. My sisters are being rather immature about this, exaggerating covering their eyes and stuff like that. They also act miffed because they want to feed her, and I say I'm going to breast feed her, and they can't do that. I am tired of covering myself in what is supposed to be my home. I'm not talking about walking around naked or anything like that, but I've gotten over being modest about my breasts when it comes to breast feeding. If a nipple shows, a nipple shows, in my opinion. Thing is, my mom's house is not my home. It has not been my home for 7+ years. My home is in 30 miles from her home, where I live with my husband, baby, and 3 cats. Her home does not feel like home.
I'm trying to not be selfish, but I am. Sydney and I were separated for so long, and now I am back at work full time. She is separated from her father. I want as much time with her as I can have, and they can have what is left. Hopefully, this will lessen this week, as they are my day care providers. (See why I can't just tell them to bug off? I can't make them mad because I need them to watch Sydney. ) I am seeing growth in my sisters, and my mom is trying to back off.
I just want to go back to the week where Vince and I loved and cared for Sydney together. That's what I want.
Also, on a positive note, as I have really not felt this way for MONTHS, I am horny as hell, and my lover is far away.
*CTR in the LDS church stands for Chose the Right. It is on rings, etc in the realm of WWJD stuff. However, for Vince and I, it is a code for a hot and sexy letter. We thought of it so he knows not to open and read the letter until an appropriate time, like when he is not surrounded by guys who can read over his shoulder.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Hallelujah!!!!
Guess who comes home tomorrow? Yup Sydney. Saw the doc today, and he said let her go home tomorrow. YEAH!!!!
I am having her come home on a monitor for my own piece of mind, but otherwise she is coming home tube free! No oxygen, no nothing. I am so excited, and so busy now, because I have to get everything ready. Short post, but it speaks volumes on how happy we are.
I am having her come home on a monitor for my own piece of mind, but otherwise she is coming home tube free! No oxygen, no nothing. I am so excited, and so busy now, because I have to get everything ready. Short post, but it speaks volumes on how happy we are.
GRRRRR
Again, here I am, fed up. Sydney is doing wonderful. She is making progress with breast feeding. She is gaining weight, up again to 4 pounds, 9.6 ounces. She is waking up and demanding to eat. She is healthy and not on oxygen, and is not desating. Now, why am I fed up?
Simple. She is still in the NICU. The doc did not even bother to call me yesterday. I would think that for the $740.06 a DAY he is getting from my health insurance, he could make a short phone call. He gets that $740.06 for seeing her on rounds, namely he makes $740.06 for about 10 minutes of work, max. I want to make that kind of money.
The lactation consultant feels that we will make better progress at home. She feels that with a supplemental nurser we will make great progress. Sydney makes the latch, but then lets go because she is not getting as much milk as she does with a bottle. Bottle eating is also easier than eating from the breast. The SNS will help solve these problems until she is doing better at the breast. Problem is the NICU docs don't like the SNS, and they are not allowed. See the problem? Thankfully I do not have to master breast feeding with her to get her home. I mean it is REALLY tough to get that going on a really part time basis. I have been using a syringe with breast milk in it to give her little encouragement drops and to remind her what she is up to. Last night the nurse told me I could not have the syringe, because it is against their policies. So when she closed the curtain, I got a syringe out of Sydney's supply drawers and did it myself. The other nurses who I have been working with had no problem with this, in fact one of them showed me how to do this. The lactation consultant also said that Sydney has nipple confusion, and is tongue thrusting. Sydney is used to being fed on our knees, not being held close, so she sometimes freaks out because of this. I feel that getting her used to the breast will be a long process. I really want to do this at home, with good friends on speed dial, not in the NICU. When she screams, I know she is OK, but I usually stop what I am doing because I am worrying about bothering other babies and their families. The lactation consultant let her cry for a while during a lesson yesterday. I just don't feel comfortable letting her do this in the NICU. At home, we can work on this in privacy we don't have there.
I guess I am back to some of my basic problems with the NICU. The lack of communication. The lack of continuity. The lack of parental involvement in basic decisions. The lack of control. The lack of privacy. Seriously, I'm being told how I can and cannot breast feed my daughter. The lactation consultant also thinks that a nipple shield may help, guess what are not allowed in the NICU, yup, nipple shields.
The doc who has been on these last couple of days says he is supportive of breast feeding, and has encouraged me to do this, but then there are the policies that get in my way. Honestly, this Doc is one of the more breast feeding ones. The other two are less breast feeding friendly than he is. Maybe they made the stupid restrictive policies.
So, I try to breast feed Sydney, she screams, the nurse comes in because her alarms are going bonkers, and then I finally feed her a bottle. I have been giving her the bottle next to my breast in a breast feeding position, so hopefully that is improving this.
On a positive note, when Sydney did latch, she looked up at me with her big eyes, which are now brown, and just gazed at me. I cried happy tears.
Vince reads to Sydney every night. He went out and bought her a book about trucks, and reads to her. She loves this, and looks at him and listens to him. I am recording him reading to her, so I can play this for her while he is gone. I will miss seeing him with her while he is away. Thankfully, my PDA has a wonderful recorder, and this is a fairly easy thing to do.
Boil all my concerns/complaints/ whines down, they come to one issue. I want my daughter home. I know this will happen, I just don't know when. Yesterday I was talking about this with a nurse, and she said the "Nobody graduates from college from here" line. I replied "Well, I'm starting to think she may graduate from high school here." I just want her home.
Simple. She is still in the NICU. The doc did not even bother to call me yesterday. I would think that for the $740.06 a DAY he is getting from my health insurance, he could make a short phone call. He gets that $740.06 for seeing her on rounds, namely he makes $740.06 for about 10 minutes of work, max. I want to make that kind of money.
The lactation consultant feels that we will make better progress at home. She feels that with a supplemental nurser we will make great progress. Sydney makes the latch, but then lets go because she is not getting as much milk as she does with a bottle. Bottle eating is also easier than eating from the breast. The SNS will help solve these problems until she is doing better at the breast. Problem is the NICU docs don't like the SNS, and they are not allowed. See the problem? Thankfully I do not have to master breast feeding with her to get her home. I mean it is REALLY tough to get that going on a really part time basis. I have been using a syringe with breast milk in it to give her little encouragement drops and to remind her what she is up to. Last night the nurse told me I could not have the syringe, because it is against their policies. So when she closed the curtain, I got a syringe out of Sydney's supply drawers and did it myself. The other nurses who I have been working with had no problem with this, in fact one of them showed me how to do this. The lactation consultant also said that Sydney has nipple confusion, and is tongue thrusting. Sydney is used to being fed on our knees, not being held close, so she sometimes freaks out because of this. I feel that getting her used to the breast will be a long process. I really want to do this at home, with good friends on speed dial, not in the NICU. When she screams, I know she is OK, but I usually stop what I am doing because I am worrying about bothering other babies and their families. The lactation consultant let her cry for a while during a lesson yesterday. I just don't feel comfortable letting her do this in the NICU. At home, we can work on this in privacy we don't have there.
I guess I am back to some of my basic problems with the NICU. The lack of communication. The lack of continuity. The lack of parental involvement in basic decisions. The lack of control. The lack of privacy. Seriously, I'm being told how I can and cannot breast feed my daughter. The lactation consultant also thinks that a nipple shield may help, guess what are not allowed in the NICU, yup, nipple shields.
The doc who has been on these last couple of days says he is supportive of breast feeding, and has encouraged me to do this, but then there are the policies that get in my way. Honestly, this Doc is one of the more breast feeding ones. The other two are less breast feeding friendly than he is. Maybe they made the stupid restrictive policies.
So, I try to breast feed Sydney, she screams, the nurse comes in because her alarms are going bonkers, and then I finally feed her a bottle. I have been giving her the bottle next to my breast in a breast feeding position, so hopefully that is improving this.
On a positive note, when Sydney did latch, she looked up at me with her big eyes, which are now brown, and just gazed at me. I cried happy tears.
Vince reads to Sydney every night. He went out and bought her a book about trucks, and reads to her. She loves this, and looks at him and listens to him. I am recording him reading to her, so I can play this for her while he is gone. I will miss seeing him with her while he is away. Thankfully, my PDA has a wonderful recorder, and this is a fairly easy thing to do.
Boil all my concerns/complaints/ whines down, they come to one issue. I want my daughter home. I know this will happen, I just don't know when. Yesterday I was talking about this with a nurse, and she said the "Nobody graduates from college from here" line. I replied "Well, I'm starting to think she may graduate from high school here." I just want her home.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Closer
Guess what Sydney did today... She breast fed. The doc on today wants me to breast feed her whenever I am there. She latched on after crying, and nursed. I don't know how much she actually ate, because after she nursed for about 20 minutes we offered her a bottle, and she ate 27 ccs. She did very well with not desating while she was nursing or eating her bottle. She is getting closer every day to coming home. She had some desats while we were not there that needed oxygen to resolve them, and the doctor wants to not see these. She is still off the oxygen and the feeding tube. She lost half an ounce, and weighs 4 pounds 8.5 ounces.
I learned yesterday that Sydney has been in the NICU the second longest. The baby who has been there the longest was born a week before her, and was 3 months early. We were once warned we may have her that early, and were very blessed to have her hang on until 34 weeks. So I was right that everyone else has gone home but us. I keep trying to be patient, but my patience is getting thinner. I feel we are very close to having her home, and can hardly wait.
Yeah, no pictures of her nursing. I do have some new pictures of Sydney to post.
.....................
That's what I posted on Sydney's journal. My thoughts to add here.
I just want her home. Vince leaves on the 4th of July, and I want us under one roof. I want to be able to hold her to my hearts content. I want to just let her nurse for however long she wants, although I am very happy for what happened today. I guess I'm having a bit of a temper tantrum.
It's like when Vince is gone, and we are getting close to him coming home. I just want him home. I know it is happening soon, but I just want him home. I am like that. Seriously, my patience is running thin. I KNOW we have to wait until she is ready, but I really don't think they are doing anything for here there that I can't do at home. I just want to move onto the next phase of being a mommy and am so close I can hardly stand it. I kind of feel like the morning before Christmas when I was little. I just can't wait to see what Santa brought.
I also an so nervous about a set back. Inside, I nearly panic when she won't eat her 30 ccs. I am terrified she will get the feeding tube back. I just don't know if I can handle that.
Anyway, the house is a mess. Our swamp cooker, I mean cooler is not working at all. I am so sick of being hot.
Here are the pictures.....
Saturday, June 24, 2006
What is missing from this picture?
Can you guess what is missing from this picture?
Look Mom... NO TUBES. I Finally got to see her little face sans tubes. I don't think I had ever seen her without some tube on her little face. They changed her feeding schedule to one where she has to eat 30 ccs, but can eat more if she wants, every three hours. She was doing wonderful with that, as well as with her oxygen levels until 3pm this afternoon. The nurse gave her the nasty baby vitamin, and she shut down. This is the first time she had to take it by mouth, and she hated it. They smell NASTY so I don't blame her. Thankfully, she had eaten enough extra over the 30ccs earlier in the day to add up to 30, so she did not have to have the tube put back in.
So we are closer to having her come home. I am telling EVERYONE there that we are ready to come home. While I am patient with this process now, I feel it is important to start pushing the staff members to have discharge on their minds.
Her weight is 4 pounds 9 ounces today. She was so awake and interacting while I was there. I really wanted her to sleep, and I laid her in the bed, but she refused to sleep. She just wanted to play.
So in a nutshell, Sydney is making progress, but mom and dad are losing their patience. I thought she would be home weeks ago, and we are still there. Part of me wonders why they decided to not give her caffiene and oxygen. I also want to know why she had to wait so long to get the blood transfusion. She was anemic from day one. Maybe if her red blood cells were higher, she would have been able to make progress faster.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Due Date
Due Date
Today is the day, that had all gone well, Sydney should have been born. I write today to mark the many ups and downs that have happened over the last nine months.
Ups:
Seeing the positive pregnancy test.
Telling Vince I was pregnant.
The relief we felt after hearing her heartbeat when we were fearing we had lost her.
Hearing her heartbeat over and over.
Feeling her move for the first time.
Whenever I felt her move.
When Vince felt her move for the first time.
My sisters' reactions when they felt her move.
The strength we have gained through faith in the Lord.
Being blessed with excellent medical care.
Hearing her small cry after she was delivered, and seeing her small little body.
Holding her for the first time.
Whenever I hold and kiss her.
Seeing Vince interact and love her.
Watching my family hold and love her.
Giving her a bath.
Seeing her wonderful smile.
When she finally ate her whole bottle.
Watching her scream as I do a normal mother thing that makes a baby cry: changing her diaper. When I guess what she is crying about right.
The support we have received from family and friends.
Downs:
Spotting and ending up in the ER after finally getting pregnant and fearing I was losing her.
Hearing there was a problem with the triple screen test.
Having to sit there as the ultrasound tech went to get the doctor because she was concerned about what she was seeing on the screen.
Worrying if she had Spina Bifida.
Worrying every time they put the ultrasound wand on me that she would still be there alive. Once she started moving, I could relax about that one.
Being told she was coming early, that my placenta was failing.
When she parked her head in my hip, and gave me sciatica, which still exists.
Talking to a neonatologist (who did a wonderful job) about hospice care, and what we should expect with a very early baby. Thankfully she stayed put longer than expected.
Worrying about what the next ultrasound would show.
Dealing with work and having to go on bed rest.
Being on bed rest. How boring and inane day time TV is.
All the non-stress tests. All the waiting at the doctor's offices.
Having to have an early c-section.
Being told the non-stress test was not positive at 30 weeks and that I might be having her that day.
The way I swelled up after the steroid shots. (The steroid shots did wonderful things to her lungs, but no-so wonderful things to me.)
Being told I can't hold her.
Getting a cold sore and being told I can't see her.
The frustration at how slow she is learning to eat.
Leaving her in the hospital to go home.(Every time)
Having her whisked from the c-section room and worrying how she was doing.
Tape Burn from my c-section bandage. (Hurt worse than the incision)
Healing from surgery while having to go to the hospital to see my baby.
Being back at work 2 weeks after having her because I used all my leave and most of my FMLA time while on bed rest.
Dealing with the social worker.
The frustration at the lack of control over our lives.
That she is still in the hospital. I swear everyone else in the NICU has already gone home.
The stress that this is causing on myself, Vince, our families and friends.
The guilt I am feeling because my body failed my little girl. I know I did nothing wrong, but I still feel that I let her down.
The feeling that I just want to pick her up and leave, knowing that I can't do that.
Vince and I have been very blessed to have her in our lives. Today I am feeling rather down as it is her due date, and she is still not home. I was sure we would be home before now. I am now worried that she won't come home until after Vince leaves, and I won't get to have my little family under one roof for another month. I don't want to take her home from the hospital without him by my side.
I am very ready to move onto the next challenge in our lives: Having her home with us. The nurses do wonderful things, but I want her with us. I hate leaving her there. I hate laying her down when she wants to be held.
Today is the day that I should have had a healthy, fat baby. I was blessed with a small, scrawny baby instead. Her being born early meant we got to meet her early, and learn about her. We love her so much. Today I just can't help but grieve for what might have been. Looking like I was going to pop. Feeling a contraction and pushing her out. Holding her right after she was born. Taking her home with us. Having her home. Breast feeding her. Being alone with her. Having family and friends surround her. Taking her to the doctor's and having everyone fawn over her. (I go to my last check up tomorrow.) I know that we are very blessed, but today, I am mourning what will never be, and it is a large and painful loss to grieve.
Monday, June 12, 2006
O-
Sydney's anemia of Prematurity came to a head today. Sydney had to have a blood transfusion.We had known this was coming. Last week, the doctor told us he expected her anemia to get worse, and that she was likely to need one. They checked her red blood cell level yesterday, and it was high. The test was an error. Today's test was 21, a drop from 34 last week.I stayed with her as they put the IV in.
The nurse did a good job, and got the IV in one poke. Sydney cried. It was hard for me to be there, but I was glad I could have my hand holding her on the table, talking softly to her while the IV was put in. She cried a lot. After the IV was in, I held her until she could calm down. I've heard and seen procedures in the NICU before, I knew what was going to happen. I stayed because when the nurses are doing a procedure, the procedure is their focus. I stayed so I could be there to talk softly to her and have someone there to comfort her. I'm not saying the nurses are wrong to focus on the procedure, they need to. I was just glad I could be there so there was someone to comfort her.
The hospital does not allow family donors. They feel there is a risk a family member may be intimidated into donating and be less than honest in their health history. The doctor said that they would maybe consider me, but since I just had surgery and blood loss, I could not donate. The hospital said they have specially screened donors for the NICU.
Sydney received O- blood from an anonymous donor. I am grateful for that donor and the gift they gave my little girl. She got the red blood cells she needed from that person. If you can, call up the Red Cross and give blood.
I stayed with her today while the transfusion went in. She was pretty uncomfortable and fussy. I could not pick her up and hold her because the tube giving the blood was rather short, but I sat by her and touched her and talked to her. My mom came up in the afternoon and sat with me. Her IV leaked at one point, and she got blood on her shirt and face. It scared me to see blood on her face, but we cleaned it up, and they fixed the IV. I am glad that they did not need to redo the IV.
Sydney showed no ill effects from the transfusion. When we saw her that night, her face seemed red to us. The nurse said it was because we were used to seeing a bluish baby, and now with more red blood cells, we have a pink baby.I took a picture of her getting the transfusion. Here it is...
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Happy 7th Anniversary.
Great news... Sydney weighs 3 pounds 3 ounces. She has gained half a pound over her birth weight. She is starting to look a bit more rounder and filled out in her face.
So Friday was a BAD night. (I actually typed Saturday, but realized the days are running together.) Before we even got to Sydney, Vince got a lecture because he had taken off his wrist band and put it in his wallet. I remember being told this was ok to do, but a policy changed since this, and we got a lecture. The nurse whom we usually like, over reacted (In our NSHO) and put Sydney back in her isolette way before the time was up. Sydney threw one quick brady, and back into the isolette. The nurse just came over and said she needs to go back. Well, this made Vince mad, and upset me. I think it was the way it happened, as I will explain later. I started crying, and basically left the NICU. I barely said bye to Sydney, and left. I felt so incompetent. I felt that the nurse was saying I was harming Sydney because she is over stimulated. I felt I was to blame. There is SO little privacy in the NICU, I seriously felt I would have more privacy in the hall, so I went out. Vince stayed to see that she was settled down. Before I left, a nurse we do like came over and tried to talk and joke with us. We were seriously in no mood to joke, so we came off rather rude. After Vince came out of the NICU, and we went to leave, the ONE thing I did not need to see was going on. The hospital was discharging a mother and baby at 11 at night (WHY are they discharging so late at night?) Well, the tears started all over again.
After I had cried in the parking lot for about 20 minutes, I called the nurse we kind of abrupt with and told her we were not mad at her, that we had a hard night. I did not mean to tell her what happened as our nurse that night was the charge nurse, but the story came out in tears. As this nurse does, she listened and explained. She educated and answered questions I was asking but did not know how to say. I vented some frustrations, not at her but at this situation. Talking to her was a God send. I am so glad I called her. I did not like to hear all she had to say, but she was right.
Part of the problem that we discussed is that I had started to feel competent as Sydney's mother in the little tasks I do, and this shattered this. With the nurse taking over, our ability to parent her was questioned. We had started to feel empowered as her parents, and this just threw that into question. The teaching nurse gave me some ways to counter this, but admitted that for now, our parenting toes will get stepped on.
HOWEVER, fast forward to Saturday morning. Another nurse who was not one of my favorites was on. We had just never clicked. We got Sydney out of the incubator, and she drew the curtain part way around us, to try to give us some privacy. (It was c-section Saturday, and there were 2 new babies and their families around.) Sydney again started to show signs of over stimulation. Flower (she wears floral scrub tops) helped us try to calm her, and told us she was doing ok. Vince wanted to put her back at the first sign of trouble, but Flower told us she was doing ok. After a bit, Sydney again began showing signs of over-stimulation, and Vince and I both noticed this. Flower came over and said she was seeing these signs, and asked us what we wanted to do. We put her back into her isolette. No tears, no hurt feelings, nothing like that. Basically, Flower INVOLVED us in the decisions about her care, and we agreed. Neither Vince nor I have ever fought putting her back to rest if she is stressed, and it was nice to see that our opinion mattered and was valued. May I say, Flower's stock went up so much she got a nickname on my blog. She allowed us to participate in the decision, and allowed us to care for our daughter by recognizing her stress signs, and doing what was best for her. Flower also did not over react. Instead, she stayed close by in case there was a problem, but also gave us some space to parent Sydney.
When we went back, the swing nurse was on. She is a very nice nurse. Curly, had put a bow in Sydney's hair. It looks so cute. She also apologized for having already given Sydney her bath. Sydney vomited up her vitamin, and it got everywhere. Curly said it was in her hair, and she figured I would rather have her clean that waiting for me in dried vomit. Curly guessed right. I thanked her for taking good care of my daughter. No problems with over stimulation last night or this morning.
I will tell you that this latest experience has drained me. I have been asking the nurses for reassurance that Sydney is doing ok while we are holding her. Vince is also really jumpy. Sydney cried last night, and her heart rate when really up. Sydney is not a real crier, so for her to cry is unnerving for us. Curly assured us it was because she was hungry, and once I started to give her a bottle, she calmed right down and ate.
They upped her cc's per meal to 26. She has been having great runs of eating, followed by eating 2 ccs. Her new high of ccs eaten at one time is 21! So close.
Oh, this is our anniversary. We went and picked out watches for each other. I wanted a watch with a metal band that I did not have to remove every time I scrubbed in at the NICU. Vince needs a new watch because the indiglo went out. I got an Eeyore watch, as I've always liked Eeyore. We have been married for 7 years today. I am actually glad we have those 7 years under our belt, because I know that those years of building a foundation of strength and living through challenges is helping us today.
So Friday was a BAD night. (I actually typed Saturday, but realized the days are running together.) Before we even got to Sydney, Vince got a lecture because he had taken off his wrist band and put it in his wallet. I remember being told this was ok to do, but a policy changed since this, and we got a lecture. The nurse whom we usually like, over reacted (In our NSHO) and put Sydney back in her isolette way before the time was up. Sydney threw one quick brady, and back into the isolette. The nurse just came over and said she needs to go back. Well, this made Vince mad, and upset me. I think it was the way it happened, as I will explain later. I started crying, and basically left the NICU. I barely said bye to Sydney, and left. I felt so incompetent. I felt that the nurse was saying I was harming Sydney because she is over stimulated. I felt I was to blame. There is SO little privacy in the NICU, I seriously felt I would have more privacy in the hall, so I went out. Vince stayed to see that she was settled down. Before I left, a nurse we do like came over and tried to talk and joke with us. We were seriously in no mood to joke, so we came off rather rude. After Vince came out of the NICU, and we went to leave, the ONE thing I did not need to see was going on. The hospital was discharging a mother and baby at 11 at night (WHY are they discharging so late at night?) Well, the tears started all over again.
After I had cried in the parking lot for about 20 minutes, I called the nurse we kind of abrupt with and told her we were not mad at her, that we had a hard night. I did not mean to tell her what happened as our nurse that night was the charge nurse, but the story came out in tears. As this nurse does, she listened and explained. She educated and answered questions I was asking but did not know how to say. I vented some frustrations, not at her but at this situation. Talking to her was a God send. I am so glad I called her. I did not like to hear all she had to say, but she was right.
Part of the problem that we discussed is that I had started to feel competent as Sydney's mother in the little tasks I do, and this shattered this. With the nurse taking over, our ability to parent her was questioned. We had started to feel empowered as her parents, and this just threw that into question. The teaching nurse gave me some ways to counter this, but admitted that for now, our parenting toes will get stepped on.
HOWEVER, fast forward to Saturday morning. Another nurse who was not one of my favorites was on. We had just never clicked. We got Sydney out of the incubator, and she drew the curtain part way around us, to try to give us some privacy. (It was c-section Saturday, and there were 2 new babies and their families around.) Sydney again started to show signs of over stimulation. Flower (she wears floral scrub tops) helped us try to calm her, and told us she was doing ok. Vince wanted to put her back at the first sign of trouble, but Flower told us she was doing ok. After a bit, Sydney again began showing signs of over-stimulation, and Vince and I both noticed this. Flower came over and said she was seeing these signs, and asked us what we wanted to do. We put her back into her isolette. No tears, no hurt feelings, nothing like that. Basically, Flower INVOLVED us in the decisions about her care, and we agreed. Neither Vince nor I have ever fought putting her back to rest if she is stressed, and it was nice to see that our opinion mattered and was valued. May I say, Flower's stock went up so much she got a nickname on my blog. She allowed us to participate in the decision, and allowed us to care for our daughter by recognizing her stress signs, and doing what was best for her. Flower also did not over react. Instead, she stayed close by in case there was a problem, but also gave us some space to parent Sydney.
When we went back, the swing nurse was on. She is a very nice nurse. Curly, had put a bow in Sydney's hair. It looks so cute. She also apologized for having already given Sydney her bath. Sydney vomited up her vitamin, and it got everywhere. Curly said it was in her hair, and she figured I would rather have her clean that waiting for me in dried vomit. Curly guessed right. I thanked her for taking good care of my daughter. No problems with over stimulation last night or this morning.
I will tell you that this latest experience has drained me. I have been asking the nurses for reassurance that Sydney is doing ok while we are holding her. Vince is also really jumpy. Sydney cried last night, and her heart rate when really up. Sydney is not a real crier, so for her to cry is unnerving for us. Curly assured us it was because she was hungry, and once I started to give her a bottle, she calmed right down and ate.
They upped her cc's per meal to 26. She has been having great runs of eating, followed by eating 2 ccs. Her new high of ccs eaten at one time is 21! So close.
Oh, this is our anniversary. We went and picked out watches for each other. I wanted a watch with a metal band that I did not have to remove every time I scrubbed in at the NICU. Vince needs a new watch because the indiglo went out. I got an Eeyore watch, as I've always liked Eeyore. We have been married for 7 years today. I am actually glad we have those 7 years under our belt, because I know that those years of building a foundation of strength and living through challenges is helping us today.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Another day, another ounce.
Sydney continues to do great. She is doing quite well managing her temperature, and they MAY be looking to wean her from the isolette sometime this week.
Her weight yesterday was 2 pounds 15.8 ounces. SO close to 3 pounds. Hopefully she will hit this weight today. She has been a lot more active and alert lately, I am hopeful that the minimum stimulation protocol will come down. Of course, I'll let her sleep and rest. However yesterday, I had to put her back wide awake. She and I looked at each other through the plastic of her isolette. She did not want to be put back, she wanted to be held. I made faces at her and talked to her until she calmed down and slept. She set a new record for ccs eaten by mouth... 20ccs.
Saw Dr. Calm today. I'm cleared to go back to work on Tuesday, part time. Part of me is dreading going back, and part of me is very excited. The placenta report is back, it was full of infarcts and calcification's. I need to get a copy of this, I just forgot to ask. She said that seeing this, she thinks we had days on the placenta, so the correct decision to deliver was made. I showed her and the staff pictures of Syd, and it was a little sad because they know me because I was ALWAYS there, and I'm there no longer pregnant with no baby. Hopefully when I go back in 4 weeks, Syd will come too. My incision is healing nicely. Some things are still hard, like scooting in a bench at a restaurant or turning over in bed. She had to help me up off the examining table. She pointed out that both Sydney and I are healthy, and alive. After hearing about the placenta, without good medical care, it could have easily turned out much worse for either or both of us.
I'm also guilty over the fact that I have to go back, and that I am looking forward to this. I went to a staff meeting this week. It felt so nice to feel competent, educated, and wanted. I question myself a lot about what I'm doing, etc in the NICU, so it felt nice to know that I know the game and the score. It also was "nice" to be back in the old grind which I know and am familiar with. Same DCFS BS, different day. I felt like I was not being second guessed. I feel that going back will not only stretch my leave out, and it will give me some structure and objective to my days while I wait for her to come home. However, after staff meeting, I was talking to a friend on the phone en route to the hospital. I started crying really hard and had to pull over. Bad thing is that here in Utah, they love to dig up perfectly good roads, so I had to wait for a safety pullout and then pull over. Being in the safety pull out scared me as there is barely enough room to get your car out of traffic and then you are pinned in by traffic on one side and then cement barriers on the other. It got my crying under control pretty quick because I decided I'd like to get out of the pullout and live. Getting out of the pullout was a task and and a half. I had to get a really big opening, as there is no room to build up speed to merge.
Any of the other NICU moms out there experienced the urge to strangle someone who seems to think because you don't have a new baby at home you are well rested and lucky? Yeah try sleeping when your little one is in the care of strangers. Add to that the JOY of pumping, then trying to fall back asleep again. Yeah, it is much easier to have to shower, eat, get dressed, and drive to see your baby than go to the cradle. Some people just fail to think. I'm guilty of this at times too.
My mom finally checked out Sydney's blog. She thinks I may had put things that are very personal on there. HAH!!! What would she think if she saw this blog? I have concealed this blog from her very carefully. I'm still working on Sydney's blog. I really want to get this finished by Monday. This is because I have printed up her birth announcements with the blog address on them, and better have it current when everyone gets their announcements. :)
Speaking of this, if you would like an announcement, please email me privately, and I'll send you one, as long as I don't think you are a freak. So far this has been a freak free blog, except for the writer of the blog, so let me know.
The NICU and the pumping is draining. I really just want her to come home. I'm getting better with being more assertive and proactive.
Two nights ago, the nurse on that night was not supposed to be Sydney's nurse. The nurse was the nurse that upset me so much on Mother's day. We learned of this by seeing her do something in Sydney's isolette. Vince talked to the charge nurse about this, and it seems that there was no other nurse available. The nurse was on her BEST behavior, and we could tell she was nervous. It turned out ok, and we ended up doing some small talk about the dang road construction. Even so, I mentioned to the charge nurse that a phone call to let us know about this would have been appreciated. I could have got my anger, nerves, temper tantrum out at home, not having to face this in the hall after scrubbing. This turned out ok, but was not a surprise I wanted to see. I think a phone call could have saved a lot of problems. I mean when I saw her and Vince told me she was the nurse, I very nearly left. The only thing that kept me there was that I had to deal with that woman if I wanted to see my daughter. My desire to see Sydney was stronger than my desire to not interact with her.
So my dad is being weird. He appears to be trying to prove what a great grandpa he is. My mom has an arm band (the magic key to getting to Sydney.) and goes and feeds her at 3pm every day. My dad learned about my mom's arm band and wanted one. What do I say? I don't want to lie, but I also don't want him in there talking guns or business deals with Iran that did not go through. I authorized one for him, but he does not get to hold her. Simply put, since we are only allowed so many holdings a day, I can't spare any more of them. My mom started going to see Sydney a lot when I could not. She works by the hospital, so I don't mind, and I can't always be there. So he gets to go see her, it won't hurt her and will make him feel better. I did tell him that he needs to let me know when he is going, so we can plan for this. I also told him that if he shows up without telling us and we are there, we are not ending our visit. (They only allow 2 visitors at a time.) I told him that my mom has 3 claimed, and that Vince and I go at 9am and 9pm, but we may change our minds at other times. I was not trying to be rude or anything, just trying to set some boundaries and expectations.
MIL issues are still stewing. I'll explain tomorrow, but suffice it to say, I am livid about how she has been acting lately. She is being very cruel to my husband, and she seems to think everything is ok.
Anyway, each gram she gains is closer to her coming home. Each time she eats from her bottle more and more, she is closer to coming home. Tomorrow is her 2 week birthday, and each day that passes is one day closer to her being home.
Her weight yesterday was 2 pounds 15.8 ounces. SO close to 3 pounds. Hopefully she will hit this weight today. She has been a lot more active and alert lately, I am hopeful that the minimum stimulation protocol will come down. Of course, I'll let her sleep and rest. However yesterday, I had to put her back wide awake. She and I looked at each other through the plastic of her isolette. She did not want to be put back, she wanted to be held. I made faces at her and talked to her until she calmed down and slept. She set a new record for ccs eaten by mouth... 20ccs.
Saw Dr. Calm today. I'm cleared to go back to work on Tuesday, part time. Part of me is dreading going back, and part of me is very excited. The placenta report is back, it was full of infarcts and calcification's. I need to get a copy of this, I just forgot to ask. She said that seeing this, she thinks we had days on the placenta, so the correct decision to deliver was made. I showed her and the staff pictures of Syd, and it was a little sad because they know me because I was ALWAYS there, and I'm there no longer pregnant with no baby. Hopefully when I go back in 4 weeks, Syd will come too. My incision is healing nicely. Some things are still hard, like scooting in a bench at a restaurant or turning over in bed. She had to help me up off the examining table. She pointed out that both Sydney and I are healthy, and alive. After hearing about the placenta, without good medical care, it could have easily turned out much worse for either or both of us.
I'm also guilty over the fact that I have to go back, and that I am looking forward to this. I went to a staff meeting this week. It felt so nice to feel competent, educated, and wanted. I question myself a lot about what I'm doing, etc in the NICU, so it felt nice to know that I know the game and the score. It also was "nice" to be back in the old grind which I know and am familiar with. Same DCFS BS, different day. I felt like I was not being second guessed. I feel that going back will not only stretch my leave out, and it will give me some structure and objective to my days while I wait for her to come home. However, after staff meeting, I was talking to a friend on the phone en route to the hospital. I started crying really hard and had to pull over. Bad thing is that here in Utah, they love to dig up perfectly good roads, so I had to wait for a safety pullout and then pull over. Being in the safety pull out scared me as there is barely enough room to get your car out of traffic and then you are pinned in by traffic on one side and then cement barriers on the other. It got my crying under control pretty quick because I decided I'd like to get out of the pullout and live. Getting out of the pullout was a task and and a half. I had to get a really big opening, as there is no room to build up speed to merge.
Any of the other NICU moms out there experienced the urge to strangle someone who seems to think because you don't have a new baby at home you are well rested and lucky? Yeah try sleeping when your little one is in the care of strangers. Add to that the JOY of pumping, then trying to fall back asleep again. Yeah, it is much easier to have to shower, eat, get dressed, and drive to see your baby than go to the cradle. Some people just fail to think. I'm guilty of this at times too.
My mom finally checked out Sydney's blog. She thinks I may had put things that are very personal on there. HAH!!! What would she think if she saw this blog? I have concealed this blog from her very carefully. I'm still working on Sydney's blog. I really want to get this finished by Monday. This is because I have printed up her birth announcements with the blog address on them, and better have it current when everyone gets their announcements. :)
Speaking of this, if you would like an announcement, please email me privately, and I'll send you one, as long as I don't think you are a freak. So far this has been a freak free blog, except for the writer of the blog, so let me know.
The NICU and the pumping is draining. I really just want her to come home. I'm getting better with being more assertive and proactive.
Two nights ago, the nurse on that night was not supposed to be Sydney's nurse. The nurse was the nurse that upset me so much on Mother's day. We learned of this by seeing her do something in Sydney's isolette. Vince talked to the charge nurse about this, and it seems that there was no other nurse available. The nurse was on her BEST behavior, and we could tell she was nervous. It turned out ok, and we ended up doing some small talk about the dang road construction. Even so, I mentioned to the charge nurse that a phone call to let us know about this would have been appreciated. I could have got my anger, nerves, temper tantrum out at home, not having to face this in the hall after scrubbing. This turned out ok, but was not a surprise I wanted to see. I think a phone call could have saved a lot of problems. I mean when I saw her and Vince told me she was the nurse, I very nearly left. The only thing that kept me there was that I had to deal with that woman if I wanted to see my daughter. My desire to see Sydney was stronger than my desire to not interact with her.
So my dad is being weird. He appears to be trying to prove what a great grandpa he is. My mom has an arm band (the magic key to getting to Sydney.) and goes and feeds her at 3pm every day. My dad learned about my mom's arm band and wanted one. What do I say? I don't want to lie, but I also don't want him in there talking guns or business deals with Iran that did not go through. I authorized one for him, but he does not get to hold her. Simply put, since we are only allowed so many holdings a day, I can't spare any more of them. My mom started going to see Sydney a lot when I could not. She works by the hospital, so I don't mind, and I can't always be there. So he gets to go see her, it won't hurt her and will make him feel better. I did tell him that he needs to let me know when he is going, so we can plan for this. I also told him that if he shows up without telling us and we are there, we are not ending our visit. (They only allow 2 visitors at a time.) I told him that my mom has 3 claimed, and that Vince and I go at 9am and 9pm, but we may change our minds at other times. I was not trying to be rude or anything, just trying to set some boundaries and expectations.
MIL issues are still stewing. I'll explain tomorrow, but suffice it to say, I am livid about how she has been acting lately. She is being very cruel to my husband, and she seems to think everything is ok.
Anyway, each gram she gains is closer to her coming home. Each time she eats from her bottle more and more, she is closer to coming home. Tomorrow is her 2 week birthday, and each day that passes is one day closer to her being home.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
And she's off...
Sorry for the silence. I have been exausted. I am really tired, and when I am not pumping or at the NICU, I go home and crash.
Pumping has become a real chore. I went and spent $120 at a breast speciality store to get some decent bras and pump supplies. They are really nice there, so if you are in Utah, here is a free shout out to them. The store is Lace by Louise and she will get you measured so your bra will actually fit. The bras are well worth the price, as I'm into speciality sizes, (36G) and it is so nice having a bra that actually supports and fits after the crappy one I bought at a pregnancy speciality store. I got some other breast feeding supplies as well.
Had ups and downs lately. I had an anxiety attack on the way back from the bra store. Before I married, I was headed home with my dad. I had said something that made him mad, and he proceded to road rage with me hostage in the passenger seat. It was dark and rainy, and we were going at least 75. He then refused to let me out of the car, and I sat there terrified for 20 minutes while he drove home. I got PTSD from this. Since then, I have had problems trusting others to drive the car I am in. Vince gets the brunt of this. I worked through this with my therapist, and have been doing MUCH better at not back seat driving him, not looking for the imaginary brake on the passenger seat. However today, was a BAD day on that front. We had been in heavy traffic on the way back, and he then missed our exit. We then ended up having to wait in a really long line to get off at the next one. I felt he had nearly hit the truck in front of us several time, by roaring up. Then a car cut in, and made him mad. He said something like he wished he could just hit an idiot like that. Well, that just set me off, and I told him not to, and started to shake and cry. His feeling were hurt, and then he over-exagerated being extra safe. Thankfully, we were almost home, because I needed to get out. We talked about this, and I reminded him of the PTSD, and that I was told it could flare up in times of extreme stress. I think we are ok on this now. Not sure.
Anyway, I have good news. Sydney gained 39 grams on Sunday, and yesterday, she passed her birth weight!!! She weighed 1279 grams at birth, and 1285 yesterday!!!! They wanted her to reach this by Saturday, so she is ahead of schedule. Last night, after her bath, she stayed wide awake for her bottle, and nippled 16cc's from it. A new record of how much she took from her bottle. She was awake for a long time last night. It was so nice to see. She has actually been more alert in the last 24 hours. My mom went for her 3pm feeding, and she was looking forward to awake Sydney, but she slept through that. Oh well. I've been trying to either find an online place I can make a weight chart for her, or figure out how and where to post one of my own. I would like to be able to share her progress with everyone.
We got her bath time moved to 9pm, so we can be there. Yeah. I'm getting better at asserting that I want to do her cares, and not just let the nurse do them. I gave her bath last night. Her little body is starting to plump up and she is starting to look more human. Now if only her ears would move up into place....
Had a PKU scare. They are running new tests here in Utah, which preemies come up false positive most of the time. If the baby is under 1500 grams, the test simply comes back positive. None of the repeat screens have come back as a diagnosis. Slightly holding my breath on this one.
I posted this on one of the email lists I'm on...
I also got to kangarro hold her today. (This is skin to skin holding) It was SO nice to feel her moving on my body. Her little feet got tucked into my bra, and it was a bit like when she was moving inside of me. I really, really miss my kicking buddy. I think this is because when she was in me, I was in charge. I knew where she was and how she was doing all the time. She was right there with me, and I could talk to her and feel her moving. I'm really feeling cheated out of a "regular pregnancy, birth, and baby".
I have this serious desire to get pregnant right away, ala Britney Spears. The thing is, I know that a healthy pregnancy and baby won't fill in the void I feel right now. It won't undo the trauma of this pregnancy. It won't replace the grief I'm feeling over having a sick baby.
I hate how this hospital is set up. I can either walk across the entire hospital, or take the much shorter route through the birthing center. I walk in the doors I walked in the last time she was with me. I walk by the nursery she never go to sleep in. I walk by the room I stayed in, where she never was. I walk by the doors to the c-section operating room, where she was removed from my body 6 weeks early. I ache over these loses, and I know they are catching up with me. I did the walk across the hospital the other day, it wore me out. I also know that there is no guarantee I will have a healthy pregnancy, and I CAN'T do this again right away.
I'm having good days and bad days in the NICU. I think a lot of it has to do with the nurse on. She does not have primary nurses, at least not that I've noticed. I'm frustrated at differences that happen each shift.
I'm also SICK of pumping. I really am tired of washing that pump so often. I can't just rinse it out between uses like normal people, we have to scrub it. Seriously, I've run the dishwasher 3 times today with clean dishes in it because I just don't want to wash the pump by hand. DH is sick of this too. I've really been pushing today to get up to 9 pumps a day. This is hard with going to the NICU twice a day. I do pump there, but sometimes the envoronment is so poor, I just can't.I think the stress is really starting to drain us. He is tired, and is helping out less and less at home. He has been wonderful, but I can tell he'd like it if I was not so tired all the time. I know the c section has caught up.
Going to the NICU in the AM drains me. I come home, collapse and wake up to pump. I am very committed to breast feeding, but I would really like to be feeding Sydney, not monkeying with a cold plastic pump at 3am.
I want to spend more time there, but am finding I have a limit on being there. I can't stand more than about 2 hours at a time. I guess I need to get out and see the sun. It is very "casino" like in the NICU, almost designed to have you forget there is a separate world out there. Only a casino is much more fun, you get free drinks, and get to blow your money at black jack. In the NICU, you get to sit there and watch your child lay there, basically told you've had your time to touch, just sit there.
Pumping has become a real chore. I went and spent $120 at a breast speciality store to get some decent bras and pump supplies. They are really nice there, so if you are in Utah, here is a free shout out to them. The store is Lace by Louise and she will get you measured so your bra will actually fit. The bras are well worth the price, as I'm into speciality sizes, (36G) and it is so nice having a bra that actually supports and fits after the crappy one I bought at a pregnancy speciality store. I got some other breast feeding supplies as well.
Had ups and downs lately. I had an anxiety attack on the way back from the bra store. Before I married, I was headed home with my dad. I had said something that made him mad, and he proceded to road rage with me hostage in the passenger seat. It was dark and rainy, and we were going at least 75. He then refused to let me out of the car, and I sat there terrified for 20 minutes while he drove home. I got PTSD from this. Since then, I have had problems trusting others to drive the car I am in. Vince gets the brunt of this. I worked through this with my therapist, and have been doing MUCH better at not back seat driving him, not looking for the imaginary brake on the passenger seat. However today, was a BAD day on that front. We had been in heavy traffic on the way back, and he then missed our exit. We then ended up having to wait in a really long line to get off at the next one. I felt he had nearly hit the truck in front of us several time, by roaring up. Then a car cut in, and made him mad. He said something like he wished he could just hit an idiot like that. Well, that just set me off, and I told him not to, and started to shake and cry. His feeling were hurt, and then he over-exagerated being extra safe. Thankfully, we were almost home, because I needed to get out. We talked about this, and I reminded him of the PTSD, and that I was told it could flare up in times of extreme stress. I think we are ok on this now. Not sure.
Anyway, I have good news. Sydney gained 39 grams on Sunday, and yesterday, she passed her birth weight!!! She weighed 1279 grams at birth, and 1285 yesterday!!!! They wanted her to reach this by Saturday, so she is ahead of schedule. Last night, after her bath, she stayed wide awake for her bottle, and nippled 16cc's from it. A new record of how much she took from her bottle. She was awake for a long time last night. It was so nice to see. She has actually been more alert in the last 24 hours. My mom went for her 3pm feeding, and she was looking forward to awake Sydney, but she slept through that. Oh well. I've been trying to either find an online place I can make a weight chart for her, or figure out how and where to post one of my own. I would like to be able to share her progress with everyone.
We got her bath time moved to 9pm, so we can be there. Yeah. I'm getting better at asserting that I want to do her cares, and not just let the nurse do them. I gave her bath last night. Her little body is starting to plump up and she is starting to look more human. Now if only her ears would move up into place....
Had a PKU scare. They are running new tests here in Utah, which preemies come up false positive most of the time. If the baby is under 1500 grams, the test simply comes back positive. None of the repeat screens have come back as a diagnosis. Slightly holding my breath on this one.
I posted this on one of the email lists I'm on...
I also got to kangarro hold her today. (This is skin to skin holding) It was SO nice to feel her moving on my body. Her little feet got tucked into my bra, and it was a bit like when she was moving inside of me. I really, really miss my kicking buddy. I think this is because when she was in me, I was in charge. I knew where she was and how she was doing all the time. She was right there with me, and I could talk to her and feel her moving. I'm really feeling cheated out of a "regular pregnancy, birth, and baby".
I have this serious desire to get pregnant right away, ala Britney Spears. The thing is, I know that a healthy pregnancy and baby won't fill in the void I feel right now. It won't undo the trauma of this pregnancy. It won't replace the grief I'm feeling over having a sick baby.
I hate how this hospital is set up. I can either walk across the entire hospital, or take the much shorter route through the birthing center. I walk in the doors I walked in the last time she was with me. I walk by the nursery she never go to sleep in. I walk by the room I stayed in, where she never was. I walk by the doors to the c-section operating room, where she was removed from my body 6 weeks early. I ache over these loses, and I know they are catching up with me. I did the walk across the hospital the other day, it wore me out. I also know that there is no guarantee I will have a healthy pregnancy, and I CAN'T do this again right away.
I'm having good days and bad days in the NICU. I think a lot of it has to do with the nurse on. She does not have primary nurses, at least not that I've noticed. I'm frustrated at differences that happen each shift.
I'm also SICK of pumping. I really am tired of washing that pump so often. I can't just rinse it out between uses like normal people, we have to scrub it. Seriously, I've run the dishwasher 3 times today with clean dishes in it because I just don't want to wash the pump by hand. DH is sick of this too. I've really been pushing today to get up to 9 pumps a day. This is hard with going to the NICU twice a day. I do pump there, but sometimes the envoronment is so poor, I just can't.I think the stress is really starting to drain us. He is tired, and is helping out less and less at home. He has been wonderful, but I can tell he'd like it if I was not so tired all the time. I know the c section has caught up.
Going to the NICU in the AM drains me. I come home, collapse and wake up to pump. I am very committed to breast feeding, but I would really like to be feeding Sydney, not monkeying with a cold plastic pump at 3am.
I want to spend more time there, but am finding I have a limit on being there. I can't stand more than about 2 hours at a time. I guess I need to get out and see the sun. It is very "casino" like in the NICU, almost designed to have you forget there is a separate world out there. Only a casino is much more fun, you get free drinks, and get to blow your money at black jack. In the NICU, you get to sit there and watch your child lay there, basically told you've had your time to touch, just sit there.
Friday, May 19, 2006
What a difference a scab makes...
So, the cold sore scabbed over, and I was cleared to go in by the infection control nurse (renamed Polar Bear, as her office is covered with them). She suggested I wear a mask solely to remind myself not to kiss her or touch my face. As I leave her office to basically run to the NICU, I hear her calling them telling them I'm ok.
So I get there. I am on cloud nine. I had been warned by my mom that there are several cranky nurses in there today. Thankfully Sydney's nurse was not one of them. Cranky Pants says I'm not allowed because I have to wear a mask. They are calling someone. I tell her that Janette cleared me, and the mask is to remind me to not touch my face. I'm sent to scrub. Another cranky pants says no masks. Vince was driving the car around the hospital as the infection control office is in the front and the NICU is in the back. I basically plead with them to not do this to me. I mean, I'm cleared to come in, let me in. Cranky pants #2 sends me to scrub. (You always scrub for 3 minutes before entering the NICU.)
I'm done scrubbing and Vince arrives. I update him. He is not happy. I then finish scrubbing and gown up. I enter Sydney's area. The charge nurse is out. The nurse in charge again says no masks. I tell her to get Polar Bear on the phone, because the mask is solely to keep my hands off my face like a baby. She finally relents, and finds me a mask.
I then sit by my little girl's incubator. I'd had a disagreement with the social worker this morning, and was rewarded by Sydney's isolette being covered with 2 large signs on how she is low stimulus, and that we have to ask permission to touch her. NICE. I seriously hate that woman, and am going to call her supervisor and have her removed or decline social work help on Monday. She treats me like I am complete and utter idiot. Of course we need to be careful about stimulating Sydney. I've educated myself on this and support this wholeheartedly. HOWEVER, her doctors feel she can tolerate being held twice a shift. Neither Vince, my mom, or myself have ever fought having her put back in her box when she gets stressed. I don't understand why this woman feels she knows it all. After one run in with her, I nearly refused to hold her because I was afraid of hurting her, and the doctor named Dr. Hawk-eye basically put her in my arms. (The first time I met him, he was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt.) We saw Dr. Golf today (so named because he looked like he was headed to the links after rounds.) He said nothing has changed, someone just felt the need to put up some signs. I can still touch and hold her.
So while I sit there and just gaze at my little one. I'm still in shock I'm in there. I get to pump while we wait for feeding time. Her nurse was so nice, I am sad she was a temp nurse. The NICU is VERY full right now. She was wonderful. She let me wrap Sydney in a blanket made for her by a friend, and got me a pillow to help me keep her in a good position. It was heavenly holding her. I felt like a 20 pound weight is off my back. I held her for about 45 minutes. she then started to show stress signs, and we put her in the incubator. I rocked her and sang songs to her. Because she would always kick up a storm when I watched the movie, she was treated to various selections from the Sound of Music, as well as my favorite Beatles song, I will. I've always thought of this as a love song to a person you have not met yet and already know you love. When we were going through the infertility and the negative pregnancy tests, this song was one I would sing to my child who was not coming yet again.
Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to--I will.
For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.
Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.
And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, da, do, lala.
I tried to sing church hymns and children's songs to her, but I just started to choke up, so I stuck with secular songs today.
Sydney ate 5ccs of milk. The rest (20 ccs) was fed down her feeding tube. She threw up, and it came out of her mouth and nose. It really scared me, but the nurse said this is normal, as did the doctor. I was very jumpy and would get worried any time her alarms would go off. Vince, I guess, is much more used to these, and he kept calming me down. She went on a great sucking and swallowing run, but I had to interrupt her, because her sats were getting low. She is still working on learning the whole suck, swallow, and breathe thing. She had suck and swallow down today. Breathing will come too.
Sydney is 35 weeks gestation. She is a week old tomorrow. It was so nice to see her. She kept looking at her daddy, but did respond to me too. She already has the makings of a daddy's girl. If it was not my daughter, I'd be getting jealous over the time he is spending with this new lady in his life. He is so wonderful with her. He seems so in awe of her, and talks so sweetly to her. Last night Sydney had a temp nurse not familiar with the NICU. She usually works Peds. He was less than impressed. She seemed to think that even though her usual bath time is Midnight, he just wanted to feed her. He did not get to help with her bath, and was not happy. I basically had to drag him out of there at 2am, so he could drive home. I told him over the phone that she will be ok and that she needs her daddy alive, not dead because he fell asleep at the wheel. He wanted to stay to 3am for her bath. He did come home though, and cried because he did not want to leave her. It was nice to comfort and hold him. He has been so strong for me.
Anyway, unless I can convince him that it will be ok for me to drive tonight, no one will be there for her midnight bath until Sunday night. Vince has drill this weekend, and neither him nor my mom will leave me home alone. Drill starts early in the am, so he needs sleep. The plan is that I see her in the am, go to my moms, drive back in the pm see her, then go home and sleep. Tomorrow is the first time I can drive, so I don't want to overdo things. I wish bath time was at 9pm, but is it at midnight. Sunday I'll be there for her bath. My mom had wanted me to come up today and spend the entire weekend, but I've done that before when Vince had a day time only drill and we were both miserable and missed each other. If this was a sleep over drill I would do that, but he will be home at about 6pm, so I am coming home. I don't think I could go that long without him right now.
As for me, I overdid it yesterday. I was exhausted. Vince convinced me to get dressed by offering me dinner at Cracker Barrel, one of my favorite restaurants. We then went on base to get him a hair cut and buy a Dyson pet hair model vacuum. I've priced them in the past and they all seem to be the same price no matter where you go, so we bought it on base to save the sales tax. I was doing fine until we were checking out. I just wore out. We were leaving the store, and I sat on a picnic table to wait for him to get the car. I was in pain. A nice pregnant lady saw me having problems and waited with me while he got the car. She was so kind. I did not get her name, but she has my gratitude. When we got home, Vince went on a cleaning streak, and seems to be nesting.
Today, after the visit, I basically came home and collapsed in bed for an afternoon nap. Now that the stress has lifted somewhat, I feel so spent and tired. I just snuggled in my bed with my cat and slept until I had to pump.
I also want to thank you for your kind comments. They mean the world to me. You are all so nice to read my really long posts. I've been using this as my way to put my feelings into words. I love to see what people have posted and know that people whom I have never met care about us. I hope my posts have not been too long, because I've needed the long posts.
Today "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon came on the oldies station. Besides making me cry, because it is a love song from a parent to their child, it seemed so appropriate for us and where we are right now. When I go tonight I'll sing it to her, changing to to Beautiful girl and putting her name into the song. Lines that are specifically appropriate are:
Every day in every way, it's getting better and better,...
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go, but in the meantime, ...
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.
So I get there. I am on cloud nine. I had been warned by my mom that there are several cranky nurses in there today. Thankfully Sydney's nurse was not one of them. Cranky Pants says I'm not allowed because I have to wear a mask. They are calling someone. I tell her that Janette cleared me, and the mask is to remind me to not touch my face. I'm sent to scrub. Another cranky pants says no masks. Vince was driving the car around the hospital as the infection control office is in the front and the NICU is in the back. I basically plead with them to not do this to me. I mean, I'm cleared to come in, let me in. Cranky pants #2 sends me to scrub. (You always scrub for 3 minutes before entering the NICU.)
I'm done scrubbing and Vince arrives. I update him. He is not happy. I then finish scrubbing and gown up. I enter Sydney's area. The charge nurse is out. The nurse in charge again says no masks. I tell her to get Polar Bear on the phone, because the mask is solely to keep my hands off my face like a baby. She finally relents, and finds me a mask.
I then sit by my little girl's incubator. I'd had a disagreement with the social worker this morning, and was rewarded by Sydney's isolette being covered with 2 large signs on how she is low stimulus, and that we have to ask permission to touch her. NICE. I seriously hate that woman, and am going to call her supervisor and have her removed or decline social work help on Monday. She treats me like I am complete and utter idiot. Of course we need to be careful about stimulating Sydney. I've educated myself on this and support this wholeheartedly. HOWEVER, her doctors feel she can tolerate being held twice a shift. Neither Vince, my mom, or myself have ever fought having her put back in her box when she gets stressed. I don't understand why this woman feels she knows it all. After one run in with her, I nearly refused to hold her because I was afraid of hurting her, and the doctor named Dr. Hawk-eye basically put her in my arms. (The first time I met him, he was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt.) We saw Dr. Golf today (so named because he looked like he was headed to the links after rounds.) He said nothing has changed, someone just felt the need to put up some signs. I can still touch and hold her.
So while I sit there and just gaze at my little one. I'm still in shock I'm in there. I get to pump while we wait for feeding time. Her nurse was so nice, I am sad she was a temp nurse. The NICU is VERY full right now. She was wonderful. She let me wrap Sydney in a blanket made for her by a friend, and got me a pillow to help me keep her in a good position. It was heavenly holding her. I felt like a 20 pound weight is off my back. I held her for about 45 minutes. she then started to show stress signs, and we put her in the incubator. I rocked her and sang songs to her. Because she would always kick up a storm when I watched the movie, she was treated to various selections from the Sound of Music, as well as my favorite Beatles song, I will. I've always thought of this as a love song to a person you have not met yet and already know you love. When we were going through the infertility and the negative pregnancy tests, this song was one I would sing to my child who was not coming yet again.
Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to--I will.
For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.
Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.
And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, da, do, lala.
I tried to sing church hymns and children's songs to her, but I just started to choke up, so I stuck with secular songs today.
Sydney ate 5ccs of milk. The rest (20 ccs) was fed down her feeding tube. She threw up, and it came out of her mouth and nose. It really scared me, but the nurse said this is normal, as did the doctor. I was very jumpy and would get worried any time her alarms would go off. Vince, I guess, is much more used to these, and he kept calming me down. She went on a great sucking and swallowing run, but I had to interrupt her, because her sats were getting low. She is still working on learning the whole suck, swallow, and breathe thing. She had suck and swallow down today. Breathing will come too.
Sydney is 35 weeks gestation. She is a week old tomorrow. It was so nice to see her. She kept looking at her daddy, but did respond to me too. She already has the makings of a daddy's girl. If it was not my daughter, I'd be getting jealous over the time he is spending with this new lady in his life. He is so wonderful with her. He seems so in awe of her, and talks so sweetly to her. Last night Sydney had a temp nurse not familiar with the NICU. She usually works Peds. He was less than impressed. She seemed to think that even though her usual bath time is Midnight, he just wanted to feed her. He did not get to help with her bath, and was not happy. I basically had to drag him out of there at 2am, so he could drive home. I told him over the phone that she will be ok and that she needs her daddy alive, not dead because he fell asleep at the wheel. He wanted to stay to 3am for her bath. He did come home though, and cried because he did not want to leave her. It was nice to comfort and hold him. He has been so strong for me.
Anyway, unless I can convince him that it will be ok for me to drive tonight, no one will be there for her midnight bath until Sunday night. Vince has drill this weekend, and neither him nor my mom will leave me home alone. Drill starts early in the am, so he needs sleep. The plan is that I see her in the am, go to my moms, drive back in the pm see her, then go home and sleep. Tomorrow is the first time I can drive, so I don't want to overdo things. I wish bath time was at 9pm, but is it at midnight. Sunday I'll be there for her bath. My mom had wanted me to come up today and spend the entire weekend, but I've done that before when Vince had a day time only drill and we were both miserable and missed each other. If this was a sleep over drill I would do that, but he will be home at about 6pm, so I am coming home. I don't think I could go that long without him right now.
As for me, I overdid it yesterday. I was exhausted. Vince convinced me to get dressed by offering me dinner at Cracker Barrel, one of my favorite restaurants. We then went on base to get him a hair cut and buy a Dyson pet hair model vacuum. I've priced them in the past and they all seem to be the same price no matter where you go, so we bought it on base to save the sales tax. I was doing fine until we were checking out. I just wore out. We were leaving the store, and I sat on a picnic table to wait for him to get the car. I was in pain. A nice pregnant lady saw me having problems and waited with me while he got the car. She was so kind. I did not get her name, but she has my gratitude. When we got home, Vince went on a cleaning streak, and seems to be nesting.
Today, after the visit, I basically came home and collapsed in bed for an afternoon nap. Now that the stress has lifted somewhat, I feel so spent and tired. I just snuggled in my bed with my cat and slept until I had to pump.
I also want to thank you for your kind comments. They mean the world to me. You are all so nice to read my really long posts. I've been using this as my way to put my feelings into words. I love to see what people have posted and know that people whom I have never met care about us. I hope my posts have not been too long, because I've needed the long posts.
Today "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon came on the oldies station. Besides making me cry, because it is a love song from a parent to their child, it seemed so appropriate for us and where we are right now. When I go tonight I'll sing it to her, changing to to Beautiful girl and putting her name into the song. Lines that are specifically appropriate are:
Every day in every way, it's getting better and better,...
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go, but in the meantime, ...
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.
This is life and I am blessed to be a part of the journey. I'm finding inner strength I never knew I had, I feel our marriage and commitment to each other has deepened and strengthened, and I have a healthy baby who just need to grow and make normal developmental progress. I have grown closer to the Lord though this, and have felt His love and concern.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Aching and Angry
I need to vent. I have said these words to my husband. I don't want to add to his pain right now. I know he is in as much pain as I am over this.
I miss my daughter. Are you really a mother if you can take a shower in peace 5 days postpartum? How about go out to dinner and have a conversation? Are you really a mother when you have not seen your little one for 2 days, 3 hours, 16 minutes? Are you a mom when you cannot get over the feeling that you have lost something, that you have abandoned something precious?
How will the baby remember me? She has so many caregivers. Now Vince is her only one continuous person to see her. She will think I am another nurse come to poke her and put her under bright blue lights.
I am terrified my baby will forget me. I had taken such pleasure in how she would respond to my touch over the nurses. Now I have disappeared. How will she ever trust me again when I have disappeared when she needs me the most? How will she know that she can depend on me to be there for her when I am not there for her now? How will she know how much I love her when I cannot hold and comfort her?
I am terrified I will forget her. I had fallen in such love with her. My arms ache to hold her. I want to run into the hospital, grab her, and run home. I want to forget this awful hell where others tell you when you can and cannot see, touch, and smell your baby. Simply, I know I have detached. I have had to. I was so desperate when I was told I was banned, I had to let her go. Can I get her back? Will I be a distant and cold mother because I could not bear to be in such emotional agony? I see her in the videos and pictures, and she makes me smile, but in a different way. I cannot explain this. It is like something precious and wonderful was given to me for a few minutes of joy, and then ripped away with them saying this is a mistake, sorry.
I want this all to be over. I want my baby to be screaming in her bed, so I can't blog. I want to be sleep deprived because my baby is up, not because I cannot sleep. I want my 12 weeks of FMLA leave back, not wondering how I will ever get some time with her because of the NICU. I want to hold her and love her. Someone else is feeding and bathing her. Someone else put her first bow on her head. Someone else is comforting her. She is being cared for by strangers, not by her loving parents.
I want my full 40 weeks of pregnancy. I don't want to have had such intensive monitoring. I want to feel her move inside of me again. I miss that so much. I keep reaching down, and she is not there. I am so lonely without her. She and I should be together for another 5 weeks today. I look as pregnant today as the day I had her, which is to say, not very pregnant. I just look fat, but with no baby to show for it, except in pictures.
I want to shout and holler at someone. I want to go one day without crying. I'd take one half a day. I have held her so little. I wanted to touch her when she was born. I wanted to hold her all messy. I wanted to be big and fat, not be told the day before I have a baby I don't look pregnant by stupid and insensitive people.
I wanted a normal pregnancy and labor. I never felt a contraction. Most of my prenatal appointments were filled with dread about what bad news we would get this time. I'd like to delete the fear I felt every time I was tested until she began to move so I could feel her. Because of her size, I felt her move late, and once that started, at least I knew she was alive. I should not have had to discuss my complete objection to termination with doctors.
I want to take my baby home and hold her to my hearts content. I want to forget this is happening. I want this to happen to someone else. I want this to happen to no one. I want to shout at the nurses. I want to shout at God. I want to shout at everyone having a normal pregnancy. I want to yell and scream and hit. I cry and ache instead.
I miss my daughter. Are you really a mother if you can take a shower in peace 5 days postpartum? How about go out to dinner and have a conversation? Are you really a mother when you have not seen your little one for 2 days, 3 hours, 16 minutes? Are you a mom when you cannot get over the feeling that you have lost something, that you have abandoned something precious?
How will the baby remember me? She has so many caregivers. Now Vince is her only one continuous person to see her. She will think I am another nurse come to poke her and put her under bright blue lights.
I am terrified my baby will forget me. I had taken such pleasure in how she would respond to my touch over the nurses. Now I have disappeared. How will she ever trust me again when I have disappeared when she needs me the most? How will she know that she can depend on me to be there for her when I am not there for her now? How will she know how much I love her when I cannot hold and comfort her?
I am terrified I will forget her. I had fallen in such love with her. My arms ache to hold her. I want to run into the hospital, grab her, and run home. I want to forget this awful hell where others tell you when you can and cannot see, touch, and smell your baby. Simply, I know I have detached. I have had to. I was so desperate when I was told I was banned, I had to let her go. Can I get her back? Will I be a distant and cold mother because I could not bear to be in such emotional agony? I see her in the videos and pictures, and she makes me smile, but in a different way. I cannot explain this. It is like something precious and wonderful was given to me for a few minutes of joy, and then ripped away with them saying this is a mistake, sorry.
I want this all to be over. I want my baby to be screaming in her bed, so I can't blog. I want to be sleep deprived because my baby is up, not because I cannot sleep. I want my 12 weeks of FMLA leave back, not wondering how I will ever get some time with her because of the NICU. I want to hold her and love her. Someone else is feeding and bathing her. Someone else put her first bow on her head. Someone else is comforting her. She is being cared for by strangers, not by her loving parents.
I want my full 40 weeks of pregnancy. I don't want to have had such intensive monitoring. I want to feel her move inside of me again. I miss that so much. I keep reaching down, and she is not there. I am so lonely without her. She and I should be together for another 5 weeks today. I look as pregnant today as the day I had her, which is to say, not very pregnant. I just look fat, but with no baby to show for it, except in pictures.
I want to shout and holler at someone. I want to go one day without crying. I'd take one half a day. I have held her so little. I wanted to touch her when she was born. I wanted to hold her all messy. I wanted to be big and fat, not be told the day before I have a baby I don't look pregnant by stupid and insensitive people.
I wanted a normal pregnancy and labor. I never felt a contraction. Most of my prenatal appointments were filled with dread about what bad news we would get this time. I'd like to delete the fear I felt every time I was tested until she began to move so I could feel her. Because of her size, I felt her move late, and once that started, at least I knew she was alive. I should not have had to discuss my complete objection to termination with doctors.
I want to take my baby home and hold her to my hearts content. I want to forget this is happening. I want this to happen to someone else. I want this to happen to no one. I want to shout at the nurses. I want to shout at God. I want to shout at everyone having a normal pregnancy. I want to yell and scream and hit. I cry and ache instead.
Update on how we are all doing....
Hi everyone. Thanks for all the warm thoughts and comments. I'm still working on getting everything posted, but I thought I better post an update while I work on that.
Sydney's weight is down from birth, but is up from her low. She weighed 2 pounds 10.6 ounces. I really should get the metric equivalents as well. The .6 is very important because this is the first time she has GAINED weight. I'm trying to not get too excited about this, because she will likely lose weight again. The only order the doctor made today for her is to have her bili level checked tomorrow. Yeah! She is in an incubator because she is having temperature control problems. We can hold her twice a shift, and she tries drinking from a bottle during those times, usually. She usually manages about 8ccs of her 28cc meal, before sucking just wears her out.
Sydney is under the bili lights. It is hard seeing her there under those blue lights. I know at least this treatment is not hurting her, but she looks quite like an alien under them. I worry a lot about her eyes because she likes to take her sun glasses off. I've walked in and she was looking back at me. Her levels have dropped in half from a high of 12.8 to 6.6 this am. She will likely get off the lights tomorrow. She really did need to go under them, because just before they started the lights, she looked rather like Yoda, with her wrinkled face and greenish yellow skin.
I have not seen Sydney since Tuesday afternoon. I have a blasted cold sore, and am banished from the NICU. I think my cold sore is crusted enough to go in, but when I called the infection control Nazi, oh I meant nurse, it was pretty clear she had already made up her mind that I was not going in today. I decided to spare myself the trip and emotional drama of going to the hospital and being turned away. Not seeing her has been nearly impossible for me. If I did not know I could cause her or the other babies harm, I would have just carefully covered it with make up and gone in. I am very skilled at covering these, you know. I am on Valtrex and Zovirax. I started the anti-Anti viruals on Tuesday night. Tuesday morning, I had a zit in the place where I get cold sores, and my OB wrote me an order for Zovirax. Had it been filled and given to me that morning, I would not have a cold sore. Instead the nurses lost the prescription. My OB had to write it again that night, along with the Valtrex. Vince had to go get the cream. By that point, it was tingling, and I was banned from the NICU. Denavir cream works better than Zovirax, but it is toxic in breast milk, so I chose to go with the one that would let me still pump and have the milk fed to her. Oh, try filling a prescription for Valtrex without feeling the need to explain this is not for genital herpes. I was a bit embarrassed, but got over it, because I want this damn thing to crust over.
Leaving her there at the hospital yesterday was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. Both Vince and I hugged and cried after the car was loaded. The stupid nurses had me leaving at the same time as a mother with a healthy baby. Nice. I am sure they thought our baby died or something, but I really don't give a shit. I was leaving my first born, who I had not seen for over 12 hours at that point, and I was not taking her home. I know a home coming will happen, but it was VERY hard to leave.
I don't think I can put into words the highs and lows I have experienced this past week. I have NEVER cried this much. Don't worry, my mom and friends are on the postpartum depression patrol. I talked with my OB about it last night. She feels that as I am still on the Wellbutrin, I should be ok. I am to call her if I get worse, and she may change my med. She wants me to wait and see what happens when I get to see my daughter again, because, and she she is right, depression in my circumstance is VERY normal, and she would be worried if I was not depressed.
Anyway, one thing is going VERY well. I am pumping my breast milk like a champ. She has been on full breast milk for a couple of days now. She got formula yesterday and today, because I did not have enough to leave with them when I went home. By the time Vince went for her midnight feeding, I had pumped enough to feed her today. Another staff member took them to the freezer when he got there, and the nurse did not know it was there. The milk was found safe and sound, and she went back onto my milk at noon. I am so so glad this is going well, because it is the only thing I can do for her right now. When my mom asked where the milk was, I kind of started a temper tantrum about the stupid staff and Vince told them it was there. My mom warned me to be nice when I called, because another mom went off while she was there and had to be escorted out of the Nicu. At least I am not banned for bad behavior. Sydney vomited last night and this morning, and now we can guess why. She has not vomited my milk, she has vomited the formula. Pumping has gone rather easy, a fact I am grateful for. I rented the same pump I used in the hospital, I decided I don't want to monkey one bit with something that has been working so well. My milk came in with very little pain. I really have not got engorged yet, knock wood. I just kind of felt like my breasts needed to pee. When it came in, I had planned to sleep thorough that pumping session, but both my bladder and my breasts woke me up and demanded attention. My nipples are a bit sore, but nothing unmanageable. I've been using Lansinoh cream, which is a miracle cream. When I googled to find the link, I happened across that this is not a PETA cruelty free product. Oh well, can't have it all. I worry a bit something will go wrong with this too, as it has been going so well.
Oh, my MIL is a horror. New post on that later. Short story, she hollered at my mom and sister DURING my c-section. I came back to find my mom really upset. When MIL came into see me, she cried about how she felt judged or something like that. Mind you I had just had major surgery and had no idea how my baby was. She then did not come by on Sunday, but called us on our phones early Monday am, woke us up, and hollered at Vince for not wishing her happy Mother's day. NICE. Oh, a really nice gift and card were wrapped in my suitcase for her, as I expected she would come up on Sunday. My mom got all up about this too, but I'll post about that too.
So far we have had mostly good nurses at the NICU. We have a couple of favorites, including Darla the one currently caring for Sydney, whom I have never met. She has been SO wonderful on the phone today. We have had one BAD nurse, who is no longer caring for Sydney. There will be a post on her too. She said it was hard to be the nurse sometimes, when she told me I could not hold Sydney. When I got back to my room after leaving really upset, my nurse found me crying. (The tears started before I left the Nicu, and increased as I got to my room and heard a baby crying). She got the RN over the whole department involved, and short story version, Sydney will not have that nurse again because we can't trust her. I bet that was a LOVELY conversation nurse McCarthur (I'll explain the nick name) had with her boss. They have a new social worker who actually told me that I was thinking too DCFS mode with asking for things in Sydney's care plan to happen, as I wanted to be a part of her interdisciplinary team, and be more involved with her care and her treatment. I told her it was pathetic if the child welfare system could do a better job involving families in their children's lives than the hospital NICU. I pointed out that DCFS parents had abused their children and we had done NOTHING wrong. I asked her how I am expected to attach to this baby and be detached from her care and plan of care. She told me I don't have to worry about her getting an attachment disorder, if that is what I was worried about. I was again crying and asked her to leave. I was alone when she came, I can't remember where Vince was. Nurse who will not be ignored (the head RN) also was very interested to hear this. Oh, and on the bad night with Nurse McCarthur, the other nurses and staff threw a Mother's day party in the other room. I could hear it, and felt it was rather unprofessional. I mean, if they are trying to have a low stimulus environment, a group of women laughing loudly and talking about people at church, their husbands, etc is not the way to do this. I was sitting in the NICU reading Harry Potter while this was going on. Nurse McCarthur had upset me, so I decided I was going to sit by my baby for a couple of hours to be there to watch her. Nurse who will not be ignored heard about that as well, because she asked me to tell her everything that happened the night before.
There have been two VERY wonderful things through these last 5 days. They are Sydney and Vince. Sydney looks like her daddy. She is doing so well, and is healthy for how young she is. She has the deepest eyes, and makes the cutest faces. I love her smile. YES, I AM AWARE THIS IS JUST GAS (as everyone has seen fit to tell me). She does not smile when she is upset, just when she is happy. Anyway, she has her daddy's smile, and I love his smile. She also looks like her daddy. She is VERY tiny, like a little bird.
Vince has been WONDERFUL. He has tried to protect me from the drama of my mother and my MIL. Thankfully he sees what she is doing and wants to protect Sydney and myself from her crap. He has been there 100% through this process. He is so cute and gentle with our daughter. He has been my rock and I love him all the more for it. He is VERY supportive of my pumping, and has been SO helpful. He has made this tough process bareable. He keeps the pump clean, and brings it to me assembled in the night. I guess because of my experience with my dad, I thought he would kind of tolerate and ignore it. Instead he has jumped in with full support. It is amazing to me. He is so involved, all I have to do is make the milk and hold the pump. He is a wonderful father and husband. He is so supportive of us.
I have started a new Blog http://www.writing4sydders.blogspot.com/. That blog will be for family consumption, meaning the drama with my mom and MIL will not be there. I'll continue to post here, as I intend to post my feelings and whatever here. Writing4Sydders is intended to be a daily diary, about what is happening to her that day. This is my sounding board, the new one is my travelogue.
And as a reward to everyone who has read this far, here is a link to pictures of Sydney, taken by my good friend Dawn, whose cover story is that she is my step sister (visitation is limited to family). I have also taken my "auntie" Paula and her daughter in. I'm working on getting more posted, I'll post those links. Here she is....My precious Sydney.
Sydney's weight is down from birth, but is up from her low. She weighed 2 pounds 10.6 ounces. I really should get the metric equivalents as well. The .6 is very important because this is the first time she has GAINED weight. I'm trying to not get too excited about this, because she will likely lose weight again. The only order the doctor made today for her is to have her bili level checked tomorrow. Yeah! She is in an incubator because she is having temperature control problems. We can hold her twice a shift, and she tries drinking from a bottle during those times, usually. She usually manages about 8ccs of her 28cc meal, before sucking just wears her out.
Sydney is under the bili lights. It is hard seeing her there under those blue lights. I know at least this treatment is not hurting her, but she looks quite like an alien under them. I worry a lot about her eyes because she likes to take her sun glasses off. I've walked in and she was looking back at me. Her levels have dropped in half from a high of 12.8 to 6.6 this am. She will likely get off the lights tomorrow. She really did need to go under them, because just before they started the lights, she looked rather like Yoda, with her wrinkled face and greenish yellow skin.
I have not seen Sydney since Tuesday afternoon. I have a blasted cold sore, and am banished from the NICU. I think my cold sore is crusted enough to go in, but when I called the infection control Nazi, oh I meant nurse, it was pretty clear she had already made up her mind that I was not going in today. I decided to spare myself the trip and emotional drama of going to the hospital and being turned away. Not seeing her has been nearly impossible for me. If I did not know I could cause her or the other babies harm, I would have just carefully covered it with make up and gone in. I am very skilled at covering these, you know. I am on Valtrex and Zovirax. I started the anti-Anti viruals on Tuesday night. Tuesday morning, I had a zit in the place where I get cold sores, and my OB wrote me an order for Zovirax. Had it been filled and given to me that morning, I would not have a cold sore. Instead the nurses lost the prescription. My OB had to write it again that night, along with the Valtrex. Vince had to go get the cream. By that point, it was tingling, and I was banned from the NICU. Denavir cream works better than Zovirax, but it is toxic in breast milk, so I chose to go with the one that would let me still pump and have the milk fed to her. Oh, try filling a prescription for Valtrex without feeling the need to explain this is not for genital herpes. I was a bit embarrassed, but got over it, because I want this damn thing to crust over.
Leaving her there at the hospital yesterday was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. Both Vince and I hugged and cried after the car was loaded. The stupid nurses had me leaving at the same time as a mother with a healthy baby. Nice. I am sure they thought our baby died or something, but I really don't give a shit. I was leaving my first born, who I had not seen for over 12 hours at that point, and I was not taking her home. I know a home coming will happen, but it was VERY hard to leave.
I don't think I can put into words the highs and lows I have experienced this past week. I have NEVER cried this much. Don't worry, my mom and friends are on the postpartum depression patrol. I talked with my OB about it last night. She feels that as I am still on the Wellbutrin, I should be ok. I am to call her if I get worse, and she may change my med. She wants me to wait and see what happens when I get to see my daughter again, because, and she she is right, depression in my circumstance is VERY normal, and she would be worried if I was not depressed.
Anyway, one thing is going VERY well. I am pumping my breast milk like a champ. She has been on full breast milk for a couple of days now. She got formula yesterday and today, because I did not have enough to leave with them when I went home. By the time Vince went for her midnight feeding, I had pumped enough to feed her today. Another staff member took them to the freezer when he got there, and the nurse did not know it was there. The milk was found safe and sound, and she went back onto my milk at noon. I am so so glad this is going well, because it is the only thing I can do for her right now. When my mom asked where the milk was, I kind of started a temper tantrum about the stupid staff and Vince told them it was there. My mom warned me to be nice when I called, because another mom went off while she was there and had to be escorted out of the Nicu. At least I am not banned for bad behavior. Sydney vomited last night and this morning, and now we can guess why. She has not vomited my milk, she has vomited the formula. Pumping has gone rather easy, a fact I am grateful for. I rented the same pump I used in the hospital, I decided I don't want to monkey one bit with something that has been working so well. My milk came in with very little pain. I really have not got engorged yet, knock wood. I just kind of felt like my breasts needed to pee. When it came in, I had planned to sleep thorough that pumping session, but both my bladder and my breasts woke me up and demanded attention. My nipples are a bit sore, but nothing unmanageable. I've been using Lansinoh cream, which is a miracle cream. When I googled to find the link, I happened across that this is not a PETA cruelty free product. Oh well, can't have it all. I worry a bit something will go wrong with this too, as it has been going so well.
Oh, my MIL is a horror. New post on that later. Short story, she hollered at my mom and sister DURING my c-section. I came back to find my mom really upset. When MIL came into see me, she cried about how she felt judged or something like that. Mind you I had just had major surgery and had no idea how my baby was. She then did not come by on Sunday, but called us on our phones early Monday am, woke us up, and hollered at Vince for not wishing her happy Mother's day. NICE. Oh, a really nice gift and card were wrapped in my suitcase for her, as I expected she would come up on Sunday. My mom got all up about this too, but I'll post about that too.
So far we have had mostly good nurses at the NICU. We have a couple of favorites, including Darla the one currently caring for Sydney, whom I have never met. She has been SO wonderful on the phone today. We have had one BAD nurse, who is no longer caring for Sydney. There will be a post on her too. She said it was hard to be the nurse sometimes, when she told me I could not hold Sydney. When I got back to my room after leaving really upset, my nurse found me crying. (The tears started before I left the Nicu, and increased as I got to my room and heard a baby crying). She got the RN over the whole department involved, and short story version, Sydney will not have that nurse again because we can't trust her. I bet that was a LOVELY conversation nurse McCarthur (I'll explain the nick name) had with her boss. They have a new social worker who actually told me that I was thinking too DCFS mode with asking for things in Sydney's care plan to happen, as I wanted to be a part of her interdisciplinary team, and be more involved with her care and her treatment. I told her it was pathetic if the child welfare system could do a better job involving families in their children's lives than the hospital NICU. I pointed out that DCFS parents had abused their children and we had done NOTHING wrong. I asked her how I am expected to attach to this baby and be detached from her care and plan of care. She told me I don't have to worry about her getting an attachment disorder, if that is what I was worried about. I was again crying and asked her to leave. I was alone when she came, I can't remember where Vince was. Nurse who will not be ignored (the head RN) also was very interested to hear this. Oh, and on the bad night with Nurse McCarthur, the other nurses and staff threw a Mother's day party in the other room. I could hear it, and felt it was rather unprofessional. I mean, if they are trying to have a low stimulus environment, a group of women laughing loudly and talking about people at church, their husbands, etc is not the way to do this. I was sitting in the NICU reading Harry Potter while this was going on. Nurse McCarthur had upset me, so I decided I was going to sit by my baby for a couple of hours to be there to watch her. Nurse who will not be ignored heard about that as well, because she asked me to tell her everything that happened the night before.
There have been two VERY wonderful things through these last 5 days. They are Sydney and Vince. Sydney looks like her daddy. She is doing so well, and is healthy for how young she is. She has the deepest eyes, and makes the cutest faces. I love her smile. YES, I AM AWARE THIS IS JUST GAS (as everyone has seen fit to tell me). She does not smile when she is upset, just when she is happy. Anyway, she has her daddy's smile, and I love his smile. She also looks like her daddy. She is VERY tiny, like a little bird.
Vince has been WONDERFUL. He has tried to protect me from the drama of my mother and my MIL. Thankfully he sees what she is doing and wants to protect Sydney and myself from her crap. He has been there 100% through this process. He is so cute and gentle with our daughter. He has been my rock and I love him all the more for it. He is VERY supportive of my pumping, and has been SO helpful. He has made this tough process bareable. He keeps the pump clean, and brings it to me assembled in the night. I guess because of my experience with my dad, I thought he would kind of tolerate and ignore it. Instead he has jumped in with full support. It is amazing to me. He is so involved, all I have to do is make the milk and hold the pump. He is a wonderful father and husband. He is so supportive of us.
I have started a new Blog http://www.writing4sydders.blogspot.com/. That blog will be for family consumption, meaning the drama with my mom and MIL will not be there. I'll continue to post here, as I intend to post my feelings and whatever here. Writing4Sydders is intended to be a daily diary, about what is happening to her that day. This is my sounding board, the new one is my travelogue.
And as a reward to everyone who has read this far, here is a link to pictures of Sydney, taken by my good friend Dawn, whose cover story is that she is my step sister (visitation is limited to family). I have also taken my "auntie" Paula and her daughter in. I'm working on getting more posted, I'll post those links. Here she is....My precious Sydney.
Sydney's birth Story
Sydney Jeanne was born on May 13, 2006 at 7:49 am. She was born via a planned c-section because she was not growing as she should have during her pregnancy. She weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces.
Our C-section went very fast. After Vince and I arrived at 5:45 am, things began hoping. I was placed in a labor and delivery room. My blood was drawn, thankfully at the same time they were putting in the IV. Vince was given blue scrubs to wear to the surgery. The nurse told me to take out my contacts, but my OB and the anesthesiologist said I could leave them in. I am grateful to that, for at least my visual recollections of the c-section are clear.
Pretty close to 7:30, I was wheeled around the corner to the c-section room. That room was rather cold. I complained about the cold. Vince stood next to me the entire time. He held my hands as they put the spinal anesthesia into my back. As I sat there for the spinal, I became very scared. It was very calming to be able to look into his brown eyes as he told me he loved me and helped me hold still. The spinal took effect rather quickly. I was laid down, because I could not move anything. It was the weirdest feeling to be under the spinal. The nurses moved my legs to insert the catheter. I could feel that my legs were being stretched too far, but could not move them.
Up went a curtain. I could feel myself being moved around but never connected with the fact that my surgery had started. I guess I thought they were still cleaning my belly with betadine. All the sudden, my doctor announces it is baby time. I said that I did not even know they had started. Some people laughed. Then out comes Sydeny. She is held over the curtain for me to see. All I could see was a blue and grey bottom covered by blood. I could see her little feet, and realized how small she really was. Sydney made one small cry, and was taken from the room.
Vince and I stared at each other. Information on how my baby was doing came rather sparse for my tastes. Sydney was born at 7:49 am. We learned she weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces, much less than predicted on the ultrasounds. We learned she was kicking and screaming as the team worked on her. Her apgars were 5 and 9. My OB showed Vince my uterus. It is heart shaped. She did not feel this had any bearing on the IUGR in the pregnancy, but noted it. She said my placenta, which we had thought was the problem, looked normal. It was sent for a pathology exam. She sewed me up rather quickly, and it was over. Prior to this, I had expressed I felt I could not breathe, but she said as long as I was talking, I was ok, which is true. It felt weird, not painful. After the surgery, they lifted me to the bed to go back to my room. This was truly weird, as I could not feel anything below my ribs. I feel very sure I was going to fall. I was back in my room by 8:10.
I immediately wanted to know what was going on with Sydney. My mom helped me call the NICU and we learned she was OK and Vince could come back. She was on oxygen, but otherwise OK.
I was wheeled into the operating room a pregnant woman. I came out a mother. I was scared about what would happen with the baby, and what would happen with me. Just as the spinal took effect, I felt one last kick from Sydeny. I miss feeling her kick inside of me, and miss having her with me. I cared for her when she was inside of me, and now her care is being done by strangers.
Our C-section went very fast. After Vince and I arrived at 5:45 am, things began hoping. I was placed in a labor and delivery room. My blood was drawn, thankfully at the same time they were putting in the IV. Vince was given blue scrubs to wear to the surgery. The nurse told me to take out my contacts, but my OB and the anesthesiologist said I could leave them in. I am grateful to that, for at least my visual recollections of the c-section are clear.
Pretty close to 7:30, I was wheeled around the corner to the c-section room. That room was rather cold. I complained about the cold. Vince stood next to me the entire time. He held my hands as they put the spinal anesthesia into my back. As I sat there for the spinal, I became very scared. It was very calming to be able to look into his brown eyes as he told me he loved me and helped me hold still. The spinal took effect rather quickly. I was laid down, because I could not move anything. It was the weirdest feeling to be under the spinal. The nurses moved my legs to insert the catheter. I could feel that my legs were being stretched too far, but could not move them.
Up went a curtain. I could feel myself being moved around but never connected with the fact that my surgery had started. I guess I thought they were still cleaning my belly with betadine. All the sudden, my doctor announces it is baby time. I said that I did not even know they had started. Some people laughed. Then out comes Sydeny. She is held over the curtain for me to see. All I could see was a blue and grey bottom covered by blood. I could see her little feet, and realized how small she really was. Sydney made one small cry, and was taken from the room.
Vince and I stared at each other. Information on how my baby was doing came rather sparse for my tastes. Sydney was born at 7:49 am. We learned she weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces, much less than predicted on the ultrasounds. We learned she was kicking and screaming as the team worked on her. Her apgars were 5 and 9. My OB showed Vince my uterus. It is heart shaped. She did not feel this had any bearing on the IUGR in the pregnancy, but noted it. She said my placenta, which we had thought was the problem, looked normal. It was sent for a pathology exam. She sewed me up rather quickly, and it was over. Prior to this, I had expressed I felt I could not breathe, but she said as long as I was talking, I was ok, which is true. It felt weird, not painful. After the surgery, they lifted me to the bed to go back to my room. This was truly weird, as I could not feel anything below my ribs. I feel very sure I was going to fall. I was back in my room by 8:10.
I immediately wanted to know what was going on with Sydney. My mom helped me call the NICU and we learned she was OK and Vince could come back. She was on oxygen, but otherwise OK.
I was wheeled into the operating room a pregnant woman. I came out a mother. I was scared about what would happen with the baby, and what would happen with me. Just as the spinal took effect, I felt one last kick from Sydeny. I miss feeling her kick inside of me, and miss having her with me. I cared for her when she was inside of me, and now her care is being done by strangers.
Monday, May 15, 2006
The Arrival!
Sydney was born via planned c-section Saturday morning sometime around 7-ish AM. She weighs around 3 lbs. She's in the NICU but breathing on her own and doing well.
More details as I learn them.
Welcome to the world Sydney!
More details as I learn them.
Welcome to the world Sydney!
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