Home all day

So I felt like utter crap today, so I stayed home. Not that I have loads of leave to cover this, but I'll survive. My sinus are hurting and I ache, basically I just did not want to go to work.

Maybe I'll work 9s or 10s to cover today the rest of the week... that would be something to see.

So I'm up here typing thinking I'm not being a neglectful mommy. Sydney was napping on the living room floor. I'm thinking she can't fall off that, I covered her with a blanket, all is well riiiiiight? HA, Sydney is smarter than her mommy.

See Sydney is a mobile baby. She can crawl very well. She pulls her self up very well. She can climb on the couch. She can climb the stairs.

I hear a little happy Sydney noise and go check on it. Seems she mastered the makeshift baby gate I made at the bottom of the stairs of purses and bags and was climbing the stairs. She was silent as she did this. I caught her halfway up the second flight of stairs. (We live in a split level home.) She was chasing the cats, her new favorite past time, and their least favorite thing to do. She yelled "Cat" which is when I got up and found her on the stairs.

She and Thomas, our grey cat, are having problems. Last night I let her crawl into the kitchen and was listening in the living room. I heard her laughing and went to investigate. She and Thomas were under the table, and he was hissing and swatting at her. I grabbed her and yelled at him. She thought this was all very funny. She got a small scratch on her face, we have been putting neosporin on it. Vince cut Thomas' nails, and now we are super watchful. Salem and Tigger are very tolerant and actually seem to like Sydney, but Thomas does not. If this keeps up and we don't work something out, Thomas will get a new home in short order. I love my animals, but I can't have an animal endangering a human member of my family, much less my baby. We told them that Sydney was our kitten, and Salem and Tigger seem to understand, Thomas does not. We are trying to help him have a better life, by paying more attention to him and playing ball with him. He loves to play fetch.

Everything is a cat. Dogs, people food, etc. All are cat. She loves saying cat. She says Mama and dada, but I don't think those words have meaning yet, but Cat has meaning. She makes a lot of noise and talks a lot.

She is starting to reject baby food. Today I fed her re-fried beans for lunch. She loved them. I think baby food is too bland. I put some enchilada sauce on the beans and she ate them up. She drinks from straws. We give her 8 ounces of Pediasure daily, and sometime she takes it very easily and sometimes not. We are trying to help her maintain weight gain, as she is slowing down on her eating as a whole.

She has cut a canine tooth on the top. No front teeth, just a canine tooth. It looks a bit odd with the two bottom teeth and a canine tooth poking through.

She weighed 13 pounds 9 ounces when we took her in for her year check up and shots. Poor baby really knows what those are. She starts to cry once she sees the syringe.

She is into everything. She climbs and looks. She loves watching and grabbing things out of the printer, which is on a low shelf... I think it may be getting a new home very soon. Pulling DVD's off the shelf is a very fun game.

Sometimes she acts like a very "big" girl and is very independent. Sometimes she still acts very much like a baby, and curls up in my lap in a little ball and nurses. She is growing up so fast. Yesterday she wanted me to hold her against my chest like I did in the NICU, and she was nearly too long. I remember how small she was all swaddled on my chest I would hold her like that for as long as they would let me. Sometimes the staff would leave us alone like that for hours, sometimes they would bug us after half an hour. I remember one day when I was snuggling her on my chest, a nurse told me she had to go back into her bed so the doctor could examine her as the doctor was on rounds. He heard this and told the nurse that my cuddling Sydney was very important and to leave us alone. So she did, and I held Sydney for a very long time that morning. I only put her back because I REALLY had to pee.

I'm so very proud of my tiny big baby. I can't imagine where a year went.

On Fleas and Ticks

A blog that I was a regular reader and commenter on has been self imploded... Drfleablog is no more.

Flea had been blogging about his current ongoing malpractice trial. I found him very interesting and stimulating reading. He posted several very well written and researched posts about vaccines and why they are not the destructive force that the anti-vaxers claim they are. Is is silly of me to say that reading his vax series is one of the reasons that Syd is vaxed? I hope not, because the articles were just what I needed to counteract some of the very false and misleading information I was getting from the anti-vax foes.

Flea was outed at his trial. The case settled. He was then outed on a front page above the fold article in the Boston Globe.

I feel very sorry for Flea. I've read on other blogs that patients are leaving his practice. From previous posts, he was not doing all that well in his practice because of a lack of patients. Other legal bloggers are wondering if his malpractice carrier will stick with him, as they may consider some of his posts hindering his defense. I enjoyed Flea as a blogger. Looking at his picture and the articles on his practice's web site, he seems like a doctor I would like to have. It is sad to see a situation where someone you "knew" life seems to be imploding.

I'm learning from the Flea. I'll talk very little and in VERY vague terms about my clients and employment. Over the next while, I'll be editing posts as I feel needed.

I'll kiss it.

This morning, I was snuggled safe in my bed. My baby was sleeping next to me. I turned to my side and turned on the Today show, as is my usual morning routine. As Sydney is well known to do, she rolled over to have her back touching mine. If there is a person or cat in the bed, she moves in her sleep to cuddle. This can make the bed a bit cramped at times, but it is cute.

I laid there, warm and snuggled next to my baby, watching the horror from Virginia Tech. I don't understand how God allows this. They were just going to French class, damn it. I worried for Vince, sitting in his math class. I worry for Sydney sitting in her first grade class someday. I worry for my sister in high school. I worry for my sister singing in the choir. I worry for my brother teaching junior high students Utah history.

I'm angry that, once again, we see images of horror and death coming from our television screens. I'm very angry at the shooter. He chained them in. He left them, let them think they were safe, and came back to shoot them some more.

No where is safe. I think of all the horrors which have come through my television set.... maybe I don't want TV anymore. Maybe I don't want the Internet anymore. Maybe I want to just live on a tiny island far far away.

While watching, this interview came on. I laid there snuggling my baby and watched a father show his pain. Stone Phillips is interviewing Joe Samaha, whose daughter Reema was killed in her French class. I heard the profound grief of this father, and cried for him and his daughter.

These words will haunt me, they so eloquently illustrate the depth of his grief. I am so thankful that all I love are safe, and I ache for those who are grieving right now.

Phillips: What questions remain in your mind?
Joe Samaha: Why didn’t she skip class? Why was she there at that time? Why was the shooter doing? What he was doing? Why was he on a rampage?
Phillips: Is there anything more you want to say.
Joe Samaha: I just want to see our daughter. We’re having a tough time doing that. The medical examiner’s office doesn’t have the facilities to reunite the families with their deceased. They said they could provide us with photographs in a few hours.
Phillips: You need to see something, you need to see her face.
Joe Samaha: Absolutely. I need to see her face.
Phillips: And when you do see it?
Joe Samaha: I’ll kiss it.

Please pray for Sierra

Sierra Louise is a baby girl born 14 weeks too soon. She has struggled her entire life with infections and other conditions we were blessed to avoid.

Her mom blogs at http://sierralouise.livejournal.com/

Please go pop in and read their story. The family needs prayers, positive thoughts, candles, good karma, whatever you believe. After Amber got some really nasty posts, she had to turn on registration required as well.

Sierra is very sick right now and her parents are having a really hard time. Her daddy is military and stationed about an hour from the hospital. Her mommy Amber is holding up as well as she can, but is lonely and afraid, and I don't blame her one bit for being scared.

I'm praying for the Lord to hold this little family in the palm of His hand.

Lumpy

So hi there ol' Lumpy.

I don't understand the workings of the Lord, not one bit.

I'm praying all this is worry for nothing, I really am.

I'm praying. I'm praying for strenght, inspiration for your medical providers, and for this to all be benign.

Faith, a person I've known online for years and met once, found a lump. She is having tests next week. I'm hoping for much ado about nothing.

Big hug sent your way Faith.

Seat Belts

As you may or may not know, I'm a huge proponent of seat belts. I believe that not using a seat belt should be a primary offense, allowing law enforcement to pull you over and cite you for it.

Seat belts save lives. I'm alive because of one.

So today some co-workers and I went to lunch. We all went in a state owned mini-van, as we were also going to a meeting after. It is state law and policy that employees wear their seat belts while on the job, and after as well.

One of my co-workers did not put on her seat belt.

I asked her to. I got a "yes mommy." as she grudgingly fastened the belt. I told her that yes, I am the seat belt nazi.

See, it was not just endangering her to not be wearing her seatbelt. It was endangering all of us in the car because if we are in an accident, she then goes flying around the car, hitting others.

I am like, put on your damn seat belt. It's the rules and you should not have to be reminded.

Banned Books

I got this idea from Faith and Trista.... Lets talk about banned books I've read.....

I have a REAL problem with censorship. Just because someone writes it, that does not mean you have to read it. I also, as a parent, have the right to chose what Sydney reads until she is mature enough to handle it, to understand it. As a parent, this is not censorship, rather guidance. I will be giving her a copy of Are you there God, it's me Margret when she is about 11.

Plus, I know that as a parent who was a child, she has access to the school and public library. I'd rather her be open with me about what books she is reading, rather than hide them as I did. My mom was appalled to find Killer Clown in the pile to go back, but by then I had read it. I was smart enough to know she would object so I hid it when I checked it out and took it to school and read it there. BTW, this was on the recommendation of my 8th grade history teacher. (Side note, WHAT was he thinking recommending that book to an 8th grader. High school junior or senior, sure, but an 8th grader)

A prime example of this would be the new James Cameron "documentary" where he claims to find the bones of Jesus. As a Christian, I don't believe that is possible as I believe Jesus was resurrected. And FTR, James Cameron may have produced one of my all time favorite movies, Titanic natch, but I don't see him as a spiritual leader, and what ever he says won't shake my faith one bit. I however support his right to say what he wishes, but I chose not to watch the show.

In honor of my going and seeing the play, I just bought Wicked the book, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who think that book belongs on here.

From http://www.ala.org/ala/oif/bannedbooksweek/bbwlinks/100mostfrequently.htm

I've bold-ed the one's I've read and my commentary on selected books is blue. The ones I've never heard of are green.

1. Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
2. Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite
3. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
4. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain Funny how this banned book was mandatory reading in high school. Much more depth to this story than Tom Sawyer.
6. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck No, but I read Grapes of Wrath
7. Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling I can't believe that anyone tried to ban Harry. I've read the entire series at least twice, and read books 1-6 again in order while on bed rest. I can tell you exactly what I will be doing on July 13 and July 21.
8. Forever by Judy Blume
9. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
10. Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
11. Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
12. My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier Another banned book which was required reading.
13. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger I know something is lacking in my education that I have not read this book.
14. The Giver by Lois Lowry
15. It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
16. Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine I used to read these like crazy when I was in Junior High.
17. A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
18. The Color Purple by Alice Walker Does seeing the movie count?
19. Sex by Madonna Flipped through a copy that a friend's older brother bought... We did this hidden and in secret. The same woman who made this book now complains her daughter wears too tight jeans. Wendy shakes her head.
20. Earth's Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
21. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
22. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
23. Go Ask Alice by Anonymous Does reading the Q&A on the website count?
24. Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
25. In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak You're kidding me, right? Someone tried to ban a book by the author of Where the Wild Things Are? Wendy makes a mental note to check this book out at Barnes and Noble and likely buy it for Sydney.
26. The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
27. The Witches by Roald Dahl My mom read this book aloud to us after we saw the movie The Witches and my brother loved it.
28. The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
29. Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
30. The Goats by Brock Cole
31. Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
32. Blubber by Judy Blume I was read this book in elementary school, and read most of her books.
33. Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
34. Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam Why do I believe this is a banned book because W stands for Witch? People sure try to ban things about witches.
35. We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
36. Final Exit by Derek Humphry
37. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood This book is on my list of books to read. I have wanted to read it since I saw the movie of the same name... Very scary movie.
38. Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
39. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
40. What's Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras AAAKKK Puberty. It's Dirty, lets hide from it and her monthlies will never appear. Remember girls, it's called Men Stru Ation... That last sentence is a reference to a book on this list... 10 points if you are the first one to guess which book.
41. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee Another banned book which was required reading. I loved this book and have read it many times, years and years ago. I want a daughter named Scout.
42. Beloved by Toni Morrison I'm bolding this, even though I did not finish it. I had a very hard time getting into the book and plowed through about 100 pages before I gave up.
43. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
44. The Pigman by Paul Zindel
45. Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
46. Deenie by Judy Blume
47. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes Another required reading banned book. I remember it moving me to tears. I really should read this one again.
48. Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
49. The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
50. Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
51. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein MIL bought this one for Sydney. My only complaint is that it does not have the "Sick" poem where the character goes "I'm sick today.... What do you mean, it's Saturday? I'm going outside to play." I guess I'll get the other book. I was read this book aloud by teachers and my mother.
52. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
53. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice) Read plenty of her other books, but I don't recall reading these... those dang witches. Gotta ban them.
54. Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
55. Cujo by Stephen King
56. James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl Why would they ban this book? I don't remember any witches or sex?
57. The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell Check this one out or purchase with a credit card... get a visit from the FBI. ;)
58. Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
59. Ordinary People by Judith Guest After the movie also on my I should read this list.
60. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
61. What's Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
62. Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume I've read this one countless times. I wanted my period to come. I wanted to see pads with a belt and hooks. I wanted a better relationship with my mom.
63. Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
64. Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
65. Fade by Robert Cormier
66. Guess What? by Mem Fox
67. The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
68. The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
69. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
70. Lord of the Flies by William Golding Another required reading banned book. Poor Piggy.
71. Native Son by Richard Wright
72. Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Fantasies by Nancy Friday
73. Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
74. Jack by A.M. Homes
75. Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
76. Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
77. Carrie by Stephen King
78. Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
79. On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
80. Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
81. Family Secrets by Norma Klein
82. Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
83. The Dead Zone by Stephen King
84. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain Hey everyone.... I'm having so much fun packing and cleaning! I think I'll be nice and let you come and pack for me!
85. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
86. Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
87. Private Parts by Howard Stern
88. Where's Waldo? by Martin Hanford Well, there are adult images drawn into the pictures... plenty of T&A in those drawings. Still a fun way to spend some time. I HATED the page where they were all Waldos and you had to find the only one which was drawn correctly.
89. Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
90. Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman My mom has a copy of this book. She would read it to us. I just thought it was a cute book until I grew up. The book is in her living room.
91. Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
92. Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
93. Sex Education by Jenny Davis
94. The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
95. Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
96. How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell I was read this book by teachers and my mom. Oh those subversive second grade teachers.
97. View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
98. The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
99. The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
100. Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

Wow this list makes me want to go buy some books.

Exposed

I'm having a hard time posting. I have tons to say, but after my drive by nastiness, I feel very vunerable. I've always known this is out there on the web, but this is the first time that I've dealt with anyone being so hurtful. In fact, up until that poster, my only kinda negative post was someone who disagreed with me about re-naming Hill Airforce Base. That was not a big deal, this one is. I know that others have been attacked more personally than I, but this was my first time.

Anon I'm reclaiming myself from you. You don't get to win. Your nastiness will not prevail. I'm considering removing your post because I can. Anyone but the anon person, should I remove the post?

Last night I attended an infant massage class. The presenter went around the room and had the moms tell their birth stories. I went last because of where I was sitting. I was the only women in the room who had a scheduled c-section, preemie, nicu stay. That's a good thing, I guess but I felt very alone. Other women fought against their c-sections, went into labor. I scheduled mine. The presenter was trying to be sensitive, but she kept talking about how the baby being squished down the birth canal is good for them. She is right, but I just felt left out.

One other mom there talked about how positive her birth was, but that breast feeding did not work out. She almost started crying. I had talked to her prior to her birth about nursing and she had seemed very excited about it. I was suprised when I saw her formula feeding. I will admit I had been a bit judgemental about that, until I heard her say that she was very dissappointed that nursing had not worked out. My heart ached for her.

Senseless Horror

Last night, while I was watching Jeopardy, the station broke into the show. And I have not exhaled since.

Yesterday, a mad man walked into a local mall. For some reason, he felt that taking a shot gun with a pistol grip, lots of ammo, and the proceeding to shot innocent people was a grand idea.

5 innocent people killed. 4 seriously wounded. One off duty hero interrupted his dinner to stop the rampage. He will live with that for the rest of his life, as will the other hundreds of people in the mall last night. They will have to live with seeing the shooter, the bodies, the broken glass the blood. They will live with the smells of gun fire. They will live with the sounds of screams and shotgun blasts. They will live with the fear, fear which drove unsung heroes to risk themselves to lower the grates of their stores to try to protect others.

They were there to have dinner, go shopping, or to go to work. They expected to be safe.

How many times have I gone to a mall to shop or eat, and expect to be safe? Will I ever feel safe again?

I was not there. I was planning on having lunch there on Wednesday. I have an all day training in Salt Lake, and my co-workers and I had discussed how yummy Spaghetti Factory would be.

This is a mall I have been to many times. I played in a violin concert there in elementary school. Once we could drive, heading down to the Spaghetti Factory and shopping at Trolley Square was a fun treat for my friends and I. It was so fun to get to drive down to the big city from tiny Brigham City.

We have been there to celebrate. We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for a reunion meal after Vince had been gone on military training. We had just gotten engaged and were disgustingly in love. We went to the Hard Rock again with friends to celebrate my graduation from college.

When Vince's brother was in the ICU at the UofU hospital, depending on the route you take, Trolley Square is on the way. I stopped in there many times during those months of struggle for some yummy candy, window shopping, and retail therapy. I'd bop into the Bath and Body Works to try a new lotion. I'd sit in the massage chairs at the Sharper Image, and snicker about Samantha from Sex and the City and her purchase from the Sharper Image. I'd dream of being skinny and rich enough to buy something from the Banana Republic. When we lived in Salt Lake, we would go eat at Tucci's, an Italian restaurant across the street from Trolley Square, and then we would walk across the street for a movie or window shopping. I have a lot of pleasant memories associated with Trolley Square.

Last night, I heard several news reports say over and over that "this is not supposed to happen here?" I ask where is this sort of tragedy and carnage supposed to happen, anyway? Littleton, Colorado? Los Angeles, California? New York City? Basra? Baghdad? Jerusalem? Darfur? Where on earth is this mayhem supposed to happen? I honestly can't think of a place it is supposed to happen. I can think of many, many places it does happen, but no where it should happen.

It is shocking to see the video on TV. I've been there. When they talk about locations, I've eaten there, shopped there, walked down those hallways. It is gut retching to see familiar places involved in a tragedy such as this. I've seen this sort of thing hundreds of times on TV, but never somewhere so familiar and close to my heart.

I cannot imagine being there. What if I had been there with Sydney? I would die for her, no question about it. I would kill to protect her. I feel so very helpless to protect her from the violence and hatred that exist in this world.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It was hard to come to work today. I had to leave Sydney at day care, and that was hard as well. I just want to take my little family and stay safe in our home. Only, I had nightmares last night, and I kept worrying armed gun men were going to bust into the sanctuary which is my home.

Like Trista, I feel like I'm talking out of my ass. I'm trying to process this nightmare. It is hard to imagine someone actually shooting up a place I know and a place where I felt very safe.

I want my security back.

More on home birthing

Today that bill passed out of committee

I found The Senate Site (The unfofficial voice of the Utah majority) where there is an interview with Sen. Dayton about the proposed midwife restrictions. I posted this comment...

I too am outraged at this bill. I am the mom to a baby girl born at 34 weeks, weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, by C-section.
I believe in freedom, less government, and less regulation.

I am amazed that because of conditions specific to that pregnancy I will not be able to home birth. Even if my next pregnancy were to be determined to be a healthy and normal pregnancy, I would not be allowed to home birth as I have a prior c-section, premature birth, and a small baby.

For the record, I would never choose a homebirth for myself, however I am a strong supporter of those who wish to birth at home. I want my daughter to have the ability to chose where she wants to birth, at her home or at the hospital. I also want her to be able to have a trained attendant at that birth, and I feel that this bill will make midwifery so restricted a woman will have to chose between birthing unassisted or birthing in a hospital.

I listened to the interview with Sen. Dayton. She makes the point that family doctors have guidelines on when to refer/consult HOWEVER this is not written into Utah State statute. These guidelines are set as she stated by governing bodies over the doctors. Is this bill the start of turning all governing bodies rules into law? In the future will my OB next have to refer me to a specialist solely because they law requires her too?

I am opposed to this bill as I feel it is one more regulation over the citizens of Utah. I want less government intrusion into my life not more. The original bill created lawful requirements for being a midwife. I fully believe that trained and educated people can make the correct decision. Some of the proposed restrictions on home birth are currently blocked by the DOH rules over midwives.

There are many situations where a home birth would be irresponsible, and I feel the DOH and DOPL rules do a fine job of covering these. It appears to me that the guidelines make nearly all pregnancies "not normal". One of the beliefs of midwifery is that pregnancy is a normal process not an illness or disease. I took an informal poll in my office, all the women would have been risked out of home birthing at some point because of a condition which arose in their pregnancies, mainly the upper weight at birth.

I feel this bill is unneeded and intrusive.

Crikey, what a life

Last night, the Discovery Channel showed the last documentary that Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, filmed. They also showed several episodes of the TV show. It was a very moving night of television. Steve lived his life with such joy and enthusiasm. They showed one episode where he went to Antarctica and he was able to swim with penguins and then humpback whales. He was so enthusiastic, you almost forget he was floating on an iceberg. He tried sliding down the hill like the penguin. He talked about the circle of life, how the bigger animals eat the little ones, but the little ones are able to get some protection. A elephant seal tried to chase him, and he laughingly told it "I'm a land mammal, you are not going to catch me." after calling it naughty and gorgeous.

I so admire his enthusiasm for life. He found something to be passionate about in everything. Even when he was talking about a whaling plant as a shame of history, he was excited that the volcano was reclaiming the land.

I hugged Vince and Sydney tighter last night. There are no guarantees. Princess Diana died in a car accident. Ronald Regan got Alzheimer's. Eva Peron had ovarian cancer. Steve was killed by a sting ray, in an atmosphere much safer than a lot of things he did in his life, like chase snakes. Life is fragile. The man who held cobras and green mambas in his hand, wrestled with the largest crocs on the planet, and narrated for us at home the whole time was killed while swimming with an animal known for being peaceful and safe.

He seemed to be someone who feel in head first. He loved with all his heart. He loved his family. He loved his animals. He loved life.

One episode they showed was first shown in 2004, called Confessions of the Crocodile Hunter. It had very candid interviews with Steve, Terri, and other family members. It talked about his pain at the death of his mom. Steve talked about Teri nursing baby Bob. They went into the truth behind the "baby Bob incident." It showed clips of Terri giving birth to baby Bob. While they were wheeling her into the hospital, the narrator said something like "after several strict conception procedures" about the pregnancy. Makes me wonder.... Did the Irwin's deal with infertility? Bindi was born in 1998, baby Bob 2003. It makes me sad when I hear of anyone having infertility problems, as I know the pain. I tried googling and found nothing. I hope they did not have this trial, but I'd bet good money they did. How sad for them, and for everyone else who deals with this burden.

This adds a layer of substance, depth, and humanity to Steve and Teri.

Rest in Peace Steve, the world is a better place because you were here. Thank you for showing me the good side of crocs and snakes. I will try to find my passion and live every day to the fullest.

Teri, Bindi, Bob, baby Bob, and Wes my deepest condolences on the loss of someone you love so much. It must be very hard to lose someone with as much presence as Steve. I miss him and I never met him. I cannot imagine your pain.

Bit sad

Today I went to visit a client at her job site, a national chain craft store. While there, I browsed the scrapbooking supplies, as I'm ALWAYS in the market, especially for military scrapbooking supplies.

Looking around, there were stickers for everything. I saw one with terms on it for expectant moms. It had several word phrases on it. These included the following:

• Overdue
• Labor Pains
• Contractions
• What a belly!
• Where are my feet?
• Ultrasound!

This just made me sad. I feel I missed out. I barely showed. I could always find my feet. I never felt a contraction. I did not labor. Ultrasounds were not fun, they were stressful and worrysome. I did not go overdue.

Sigh.

It just hit me for what I missed. I should be grateful blah, blah, blah. Today I'm sad. I know there are people a lot worse than me, and I'm having a pity party. Oh well.

It is hard to put my feelings about this into words. I'm still grieving. That is a hard thing to admit as I have a daughter, alive and healthy. Why can't I just be glad for that and move on? I just feel stuck. It's hard to realize how close we came to losing someone who is so much an integral part of my life. I cannot imagine life without her. It takes my breath away how much I love her.

For a couple of pictures of Sydney, please visit DawnJuan's blog, linked to the left....

Many questions

69 ODD QUESTIONS. COPY AND PASTE. BE TRUTHFUL AND SEND IT BACK TO ME AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS....
1. Are your parents married or divorced? Separated, but they have been for 7 years, so I think it’s about time to get a divorce.
2. Are you a vegetarian? No, and I’m having ribs tonight at a party. YUMMY.
3. Do you believe in Heaven? Yes
4. Have you ever come close to dying? no
5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Wedding ring, emerald stone ring, watch. I had a charm bracelet that I used to wear all the time, but I somehow lost it in the midst of having Sydney. It could be at my house, or it could be lost at the hospital. I feel sad about losing my charm bracelet
6. Favorite time of the day? Evenings. Hate mornings.
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? No, YUCK!!!
8. Do you wear make-up? YES!
9. Ever have plastic surgery? No, but I’ve had laser procedures and want more. Someday after I’m done having children I want a breast lift/reduction and tummy tuck.
10. Do you color your hair? Yes, the grays really showed up after the baby.
11. What do you wear to bed? Usually a nightgown.
12. Have you ever done something illegal? Yup. Who has not?
13. Can you roll your tongue? Yes.
14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows? No I have them waxed.
15. What kind of sneakers? New Balence
16. Do you believe in abortions? I used to be pro-choice. But after seeing Sydney on the screen at 5 weeks 6 days and hearing her heartbeat that small, I’ve changed. I lean more pro-life now. I don’t want the government being involved in my life, but I also think that babies need to be protected. I wish there were more adoptions, and that every baby would be a wanted baby.
17. What is your hair color? Brown
18. Future child's name? Well… Katherine still is out there, but if a boy, William Vincent.
19. Do you snore? Yes, loudly.
20. If you could be anywhere in the world where would it be? Beach
21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, but I sleep with 2 homo sapiens and 3 felines.
22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Buy a house, new cars, super first class vacation. Oh, and buy some Manolo Blanik shoes.
23. Gold or silver? Gold
24. Hamburger or hot dog? Both are nice.
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? What is that about? I’d die of boredom. I do love Italian.
26. City, beach or country? Beach!
27. What was the last thing you touched? My lips, now the y key now the space key… I give up. 28. Where did you last eat? At my desk breakfast, French toast sticks from Burger King.
29. When's the last time you cried? Last night. Sad movie.
30. Do you read blogs? YUP, sure do.
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? Ummm…. I’m in pants and a button down shirt now…..
32. Ever been involved with the police? Yes, personally, professionally, and sexually…. ;) Vince is a MP.
33. What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap? I just love the freesia Vo5 kind. Smells so nice.
34. Do you talk in your sleep? Only when sick or on a sedative.
35. Ocean or pool? A pool by the ocean, great!
36. What's your favorite song at the moment? Patty Cake.
37. What's your favorite color? Pink and blue
38 window seat or aisle? Window
39. Ever met anyone famous? Was in a traffic jam in a car next to a car being driven by Anjelica Huston. Traffic in LA, the great equalizer. Marina Sirtis, Deanna Troy from Star Trek.
40. Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? Hope so. I have a family who I love and who loves me, that is pretty successful.
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
42. Ricki Lake or Oprah? Ricki is not on any more. Oprah when she is doing one of her fluff shows. Otherwise she is VERY preachy. Same for Martha. When I was on bed rest, I LOVED Maury with his paternity questions.
43. Basketball or football? USC football, even though they let UCLA win.
44. How long do your showers last? Depends, could be a 8 minute one, or a half an hour one.
45. Automatic or do you drive stick? Automatic. I can drive a standard.
46. Cake or ice cream? Both! Chocolate, Yummy.
47. Are you self-conscious? yes
48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up? NO
49. Have you ever given money to a tramp? Used to, but now I don’t. I sometimes offer to buy them some food.
50. Have you been in love? yes
51. Where do you wish you were? Jamaica
52. Are you wearing socks? Yes
53. have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes
54. Can you tango? No, wish I could
55. Last gift you received? Vince bought me an Ipod Nano for my birthday.
56. Last sport you played? *the sound of crickets*-. . . . Does watching college football and cheering count?
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? Food, clothes, scrap booking, just general money wasting. Vince and I have a lot of electronic gizmos.
58. Where do you live? Utah
59. Where were you born? Downey, CA.
60. Last wedding attended? Can’t remember
61. Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Time
62. If you could do anything over, what would you do? Save better.
63. Most hated food(s)? broccoli, onions, radishes, melons
64. What's your least favorite chores? Picking up and folding laundry
65. Can you sing? Yes
66. Last person you instant messaged? Barry at work
67. Last place you went on holiday? Been so very long…. Maybe Bear Lake?
68. Favorite regular drink? Diet Coke and Pepsi, ice cold water, fresh squeezed orange juice
69. Current crush? Vince :)

I cannot say

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom lately.

I want her to be a type of mom she is not.

Plain and simple that is it.

After my experience with my pregnancy and the NICU, I’ve learned the painful fact that my mom has her own issues, issues which I cannot solve.

With everyone else, I am not a pushover. I have no problem standing up and defending myself or someone else to just about everyone I know. This includes the, respectfully Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I can say just about anything to anyone, including God.

Except my mom.

I cannot say to my mom “I wish you had not lectured me when I called you in tears after the run in with the social worker about the camera. I wish you had taken my side.”

I cannot say “When I called you to tell you that the ultrasound measured Sydney as 3 weeks behind, I wish you had cried with me. Rather, you told me this was because I was using technology, and if I went to an old male OB, who did not use ultrasounds, everything would be ok.” Had I followed that advice, Sydney would definitely been dead, and maybe me too.

I cannot say “When I told you I had to have a cesarean section, I wish you would have mourned with me the loss of my dreamed for vaginal birth. Rather you lectured me on surrendering my birth, and the unnecessary use of cesarean sections.”

I cannot say “I was so stressed out during that non-stress test, and your being there only added to this. I am forever grateful that the tech was paying attention to how you were lecturing me about not being ready for this baby. She came around the curtain and suggested that you go get me lunch to see if food would help the baby. You left, and I went from completely failing the non stress test and having worrisome high blood pressure to being normal. I ignored your calls that weekend on doctor’s orders. It was either that or she was admitting me with no visitor privileges.”

I cannot say “I’m an adult. I do not need you involved with my medical decisions. I need you to be supportive, but you do not get a saw in who my provider is, what medical treatments I get, and what happens.” When you wanted me to add your name to the release of information I signed when I first was pregnant so Vince had full access to my medical history.

I cannot say “I wish I could talk to you about how to help Vince right now. Instead you will likely pressure me to leave him, and use this as ammunition in the future.”

I cannot say “Please minimizing how hard it is for me to be away from Sydney during the day. You never had to put your baby in day care. You do not know what it is like.”

I cannot say, “You never had a high risk pregnancy. You never had a cesarean section. You never had a premature tiny baby. You never had a baby in the NICU. You do not know anything about any of these things, so stop telling me what I should and should not feel, should and should not do, how I should act.”

I cannot say “I wish you would have been more supportive of me and Vince about the scene his mother caused after Sydney was born. Instead we had to walk on eggshells with everyone. I did not hurt your feelings, and neither did Vince, but we bore the brunt of your emotions when we were least able to handle this.”

I cannot say “I wish you would accept my life without judging me. I love my husband. I love my daughter. We occasionally go to church. Our home is often a mess. We care for each other and love, rather than the nagging and screaming which you did/do to have your home clean.”

I cannot say “I hate schedules. I hate getting up early. Leave me alone about it.” It was very hard for me, with all my emotions and pain with Sydney’s birth to have to have you nag at me for not making schedules to fit your needs, rather than to recognize that your daughter was suffering and your schedule discussion came across as an attack of a new mommy.

I cannot say “You thought you were being supportive while Sydney was in the NICU, but you were not. I gave up the emotional energy trying to get you to be supportive. Yes you bought clothes, but this made me feel that what I bought was unneeded.”

I cannot say “Thank you for purchasing a blessing dress for Sydney. However, it is the type of dress you want, not what I told you I want. I do not want to bless Sydney in the dress you bought incase she died, so I have something to bury her in. I felt very stepped on. I did not want to bless her in the bad juju dress, but I did because you were already very upset about Vince’s mom, and I could not handle your upset if I got a different dress. I wish you would have asked me if you could purchase a dress, or suggested that I select a dress and you will pay for it. What you do not know is that there is a bookmarked dress that Vince and I selected in case she did not survive, ready to be overnighted if the need arose. I allowed you to step all over my boundaries here, and I wish I had done more to express this to you.”

I cannot say, “Go read my blog.” because this honesty will crush you, and you will cut me off and even though I am leaning better how to be your daughter and what my boundaries are, I still need you.

These are all things I cannot say. I wish I could.

Now I wonder how to prevent Sydney typing something similar in 30 years.
I say that because we often parent as we were parented. I do not want to parent the same way. I want to be someone Sydney wants to be there when she is in a crisis, not someone who adds to her pain.

BFN

I was over playing games last night at the home of two dear friends. While there, the one trying to get pregnant took a pregnancy test and it came back a BFN.

I just hate infertility. It just sucks.

You know who you are, but I am so very sorry about your BFN. I had my fingers crossed for your family to add the new family member you desire.

I've been there. I had a way to long cycle, and I was sure I was pregnant. No, my hormones were so screwed up that I had not had a period for 3 months. I had to take medicine to start my period.

I hate peeing on a stick. Until Sydney, that stick had never even given me any glimmer that I was pregnant. No faint line, no maybe, no hint of hope.

That is what you have to have to survive infertility. Hope. Courage. Love.

Hang onto your hope. There were times that this seemed hopeless for us, but there always is something to hope for.

It is a tremendous act of courage to TTC again after a BFN. You want something so simple, but it is so very hard.

Hang onto the love of your spouse. Your spouse hurts as you do. Don't let infertility drive a wedge between you. You will need each others love to get through the hard times.

I hope I'm not coming off preachy, that is not my desire. I just wanted to share a bit of what I learned through our infertility journey.

Quiet

I've been quiet lately. Sorry. I have been editing and posting videos on my You-Tube site located here for a shameless plug.....youtube.com/intorainbowz .

It's been a quiet time for me. Vince's grandmother died last Thursday. I loved her. She was always so very kind to me. She was a great buffer between me and MIL when MIL went bonkers when Sydney was born.


This is MIL and Abuela and Sydney.


This is MIL, DH, Abuela, and Sydney.


She had been ill for some time, and was ready to go. I still miss her, and actually have a hard time believing she is dead, even though I saw her body, and watched her casket be lowered into the ground.

Unfortunately, as happens in my family and I'm sure yours too, a death, same as a birth, is a time for every one to go a little crazy. Vince's aunt went off her meds, police had to be called more than once. After the Rosary was said at the viewing, she decided to make a speech, basically blasting MIL. MIL has been the only child of Abuela's to actually care for her and meet her needs. Like I told my SIL married to my brother, take your crazy family member and add booze.

It is weird for me. As so much of the rituals of her death were different than I am used to, I barely felt I was at a funeral. I'm LDS, she is Catholic. The funeral was a mass, very different than a Mormon funeral. The songs, the prayers, the rituals were different and foreign to me.

Sydney loved the stained glass windows and the smell of the frankinse and myrrh that they used in the incense, and thought mass was great. My mom came and held her most of the service. It was nice that my mom could stand in place and sway Sydney. I was uncomfortable, as this is not my faith, and other than knowing to say "and also with you" after the priest says "Peace be with you" and "Lord hear our prayer" after "Let us pray to the Lord." the rituals and meanings behind those rituals are unknown to me. I also know that the "sign of Peace" means shake every-one's hand around you. (I learned this at a wedding in Mexico where I was separated from the host family, and had absolutely no clue about what was going on both as a non-Catholic and a non-Spanish speaker. Carmen leaned across the isle and hissed at me "It's the sign of peace and you are being rude." as I was standing there looking funny. ) I did not know when to stand and sit. And (snark warning) the Catholics seated in front of me had as much idea as the 3 Mormons sitting on my pew when to stand and sit. The Priest had to use his hands to direct us.

No offense to any Catholics reading this, but I would be a very bad Catholic. In the LDS church, the sacrament consists of bread and water. The water is poured into little paper or plastic one time use cups. Catholics use one communal cup. That just grosses me out, the whole sharing of the cup by multiple people I don't know. Maybe had I been raised with this as a normal custom, I would be ok with it, but the germaphobe in my says no. (After the sign of peace, Vince got out the Purell.)

I did not go to the gathering after the funeral. It was at Abuela's home. I would have liked to go, but I knew there would be a lot of smoking going on there. Some of the Aunts were a bit disappointed that Sydney would not be there. They asked why. I simply stated "There will be smoking there, and she cannot be around cigarette smoke." MIL told me that at the home, they said I was rude and judgemental. Thankfully MIL stood up for me, and said that babies should not be around cigarette smoke and any moron knows that. (HAHAHA she was much ruder than I.) There was another baby there, and Vince said at one point there were 4 lit cigarettes around her. When Vince came home, he stunk WORSE than when we used to go gambling in a casino. REALLY. His suit had to go to the cleaners, and he had to shower. He said that there was underage drinking going on as well. He felt like he was caught between his family and that he is a sworn police officer (albeit very part time.) I might have felt the need to call the police, and told him so. Other than a sip at New Years, I have no tolerance for underage drinking, especially when the uncle gives teenagers beers. No not sips, their own beer. I don't understand how a family get together to honor Abuela turns into a kegger.

Anyway, I got off topic. I will miss Abuela. I always meant to get her rice recipe, and now it is gone.

Power

No line. I went at 9 while everyone was at work.

No gunfire. No 10 mile walk. I drove, even though it was just across the street. I was going to work after.

No ink on my finger. I was Id'd, even though I registered in person, had proof of that, and was Id'd at that time. Vince who registered after me, will not be Id'd.

No armed troops anywhere. Well the police department was across the parking lot, but they were off busting speeders, because that's all they do.

No fanfare. No bombs. No civil war.

I peacefully walked into an elementary school, and with my finger exercised power. Today I am as powerful as the President of the United States. Today I exercised the power that if enough people agree with me, we could overthrow our government bloodlessly, peacefully, and in an orderly fashion.

I voted. The president and I, and you if you go vote, each only count as one. Last time I voted, he and I cancelled out each other's votes as I'm sure he voted for himself, and I sure has hell voted for the other guy.

I walked in, showed my ID, took the card, inserted it into the machine, politely declined the offer to show me how to work the touch screen, and voted. I pushed the little x by the name of the people I feel will best represent me. While I refuse to use the strait party option, the smiley face of the Personal Choice party was QUITE intriguing.

I left several items blank. It was very sad to see how many county positions were running unopposed. All Republicans, no challengers. Not even a Personal Choice candidate to select. I toyed with writing myself in, but did not. I just could not vote for someone who already is a shue in. I voted against 2 judges retaining their seats, I've seen them in action and did not like what I saw. Other than the judges I did vote for, and the Utah Constitutional Amendment I voted for, I hold no illusions that the people I voted for will actually be elected. They are Democrats running in Davis County, Utah for crying out loud. Davis County has not elected a Democrat to ANYTHING for about 20 years.

Where does that leave people like me? Unrepresented, unheard, unimportant.

Today, I was important. I voted. Rather than being disillusioned and ignoring election day, because I know that the uselessness of my going and voting, I chose to make a stand. Even though no one I voted for will be elected, I put my finger on the screen and demanded to be counted.

I took Sydney with me. I talked to her about how important voting is. I want her to be a voter. It is important to me to raise a voter. She will go again with her daddy this evening. When Sydney is bigger, I will let her push the X on the screen, like my dad let me push the pen into the hole next to the name of Ronald Reagan, and George Bush. I will teach her about what I think is politically important, just as my father used that time in the canvas walls to tell me of the glories of the GOP and how Reagan will save America. My dad taught me about pushing the pen all the way in, and making sure no chads were left hanging. My dad taught me how important it is to vote from a young age, and I hope to follow his example and teach that to Sydney.

It was a bit odd using the computers. No clunk clunk of the pens pushing the chads off. No little booth with a flag as a door. No canvas walls to prevent the voter from distraction. My vote was private, it was a different experience than the last time I voted.

Have you voted? People have died for the right of American Citizens to vote. People in Iraq stood for hours to vote under the threat of violence. It is the least we can do to walk on over to the local elementary school and use our finger on the screen.

Today I excercised power. What a blessing that is.

News Flash

Extra, Extra, Read all about it. Wendy had a baby.

So I know that is not news to anyone else. Seems to me that I forgot it.

Elections are coming up. I have always been very politically active. I am known to walk neighborhoods, pass out fliers, sit in booths, the whole thing.

I felt bad I had done nothing, so I went and volunteered to pass out fliers. Up until now, all the campaigns I have volunteered for have been very well organized, and fairly well funded. UMMM.... These guys are running as democrats in Davis County, so really no on both counts. They gave me some fliers, to pass out to registered democrats.

So, anyone else remember that the time changed last weekend and it is now dark at 5:30. Anyone else notice it got cold? Yeah, everyone else but me.

So tonight, Halloween no less, I bundle myself and Sydney up for some flier passing out. I drive to the area, to learn the addresses on my list are in no order. I don't have a map of the streets either. I try to find where to start, while dodging trick or treaters. It's now dark and cold. No street lights either. I find the first house, and figure I'll deliver to all the homes on that block.

I get Sydney out of the car seat, grab the fliers, and head out. I deliver to ONE house before I realize how ridiculous this is, and give up. I nearly dropped the fliers and tripped. I go back to the car, load Syd up again, and come home.

So I just ignored what is clear to everyone else. I had a baby and my life has changed for the better. I just have to wait a couple of years for flier passing out, or do this when her daddy is not beyond swamped with his ROTC disaster project, so he can either help or watch her.

I was pushing myself to do too much. I wish I could pass the fliers out, but with everything going on, I can't.

Sydney was very patient through all this. Wendy just needed to learn some things change, and that she does not have to do it all.

Thoughtful

One lady at church surprised me. She came up and said that she had just washed her hands, and could she please hold Sydney. I was so amazed that she would think to do that. Of course I let her hold Sydney. It was just so thoughtful after me wanting to start slapping hands of random people who were touching her. It was so thoughtful of her to realize that I'm likely pretty nervous having her around all those people, so to make me more comfortable and up her chances of holding Sydney, she took the step to wash her hands.

That was so kind of her.

Birthday Pondering

Today I am 29.

What a year 28 was.

One year ago today, I had a very strong suspicion I was pregnant. I was quite in denial about it, as I had so dearly wanted to be pregnant. My breasts were very sore and tender, and I just had this feeling.

One year ago today, I had no idea what this year would bring. I did not know I was going to have a wonderful daughter. I did not know that such joy and such pain could be combined into the same thing. I had no idea the strength I would need, nor the strength I would find. I had no idea I would have a high risk pregnancy, bed rest, c/s, NICU stay. Seriously, I had always imagined that my first daughter would be named Kathryn. I just love that name. And I have a baby girl named Sydney, whom I love. Sydney fits her so much better than Kathryn does. (Maybe my next daughter, if I do decided to wade into the pregnancy pool, will be Kathryn.) I had not imagined I would not have a natural birth, and have the baby placed directly on my belly. Instead, I had a scheduled c/s, with her immediately gone. I saw her hours later. I then went 3 days of torture without her. This gave me a small perspective on how hard it is for Vince to leave us to go to military. It was never that hard for him to go before, he would miss me, but he knew I was going to rent movies I want to see, go out with friends, craft, go shopping, basically take proper care of my self. Now when he leaves, he leaves behind someone who changes. The biggest change I ever made while he was gone was I lost 8 pounds. Sydney spent half her life while he was gone. She rolled over for the first time. Milestones happen when he is gone now. She will grow and change while he is gone.

One year ago, I had no plans to leave DCFS; and here I sit at DSPD. This has been a huge change for me, and a very positive one. I'm still in shock that something which has been such a defining factor of my life is gone now.

One year ago, I was a different person. I sit here a year old, and more than a year wiser. I matured more than one year in the past year, I feel like I have aged 7 years in the last year.

One year ago, I felt ignored by the Lord. Now I again know, what I really have always known, that He hears me and answers my prayers. I thought I had learned to accept His plan through the infertility trials. I've learned that it is another level of accepting His plan completely when it comes to your children. I still wonder and am troubled by what Sydney had to learn by her rough entry into this world. I also wonder what Vince and I had to learn from her tough start.

Some of you have been reading my blog for this entire time. Some of you are newer. Some of you I've never met, some are old friends. I want to thank you all for reading my posts. You are privy to some of the most intimate details of my life, for here I post what I feel I cannot say in real life. I process what is going on with me here. Here I share my thought, fears, and dreams. Thanks for coming along for the ride.