Random thoughts

I have several different topics to cover, so bear with me.

I am VERY stressed right now. I've taken to wearing my teeth grinding guard during the day because the grinding and clenching is so bad.

It is stressful having Vince leave. His job is giving him the run around. I'm worried he does not have time to prepare.

Work is boring.

2 co-workers are pregnant. 5 and 6 weeks. Today they were having a conversation about births etc, and I'd say something and I got told that's because your birth was weird, your pregnancy was bad, etc. I really felt out of place, like if I told my experience, I was cursing them or something. I excused myself and went and cried in my office because of how out of place I felt, and how robbed of what they had I felt, and how unvalidated my experiences were. And I would normally call one of these women a friend.

My mom and my sister had another blow out today. My brother the pious and I am trying to give them some space, so I offered to let her come live with me after Vince leaves. She can go live with him in the mean time. My mom took this to us trying to split up the family and taking my sister's side. What we are trying to do is to not take sides, but recognize that all this constant fighting is really bad for both of them and give them some space to calm down and remember that they love each other. Mom called me tonight and yelled at me, saying we were letting my sister off easy. Problem is I can see thought my mother's controlling behaviors. She has also conveniently forgotten all the crap my brother and I pulled and making us out to be perfect teenagers and we were not. Trust me. She thinks them being at each other's throats constantly is healthier than them getting some space. She did this with my dad. She did this with my brother. They fought constantly. For years. Because that was better than a divorce.

I'm not saying that my sister is blameless here by far, but ALL the problems are my sisters, NONE are my mother's. I'm sure she is struggling with the fact her baby is 18 and trying to be independent and making mistakes at it, but my mom is really doing this the wrong way. It is so bad, that if my sister was under 18, I'd be calling DCFS.

I'm stuck in a hard spot. I want to help my sister, but don't really want my mom to come after me. I don't need that too. She started in on my this evening, but thankfully got an ambulance call. I don't want to take sides. She used to have me try to take sides between her and my dad, and I won't do it any more between her and anyone, and it makes her SO mad, then she comes after me. Happened several times when I lived there, which is reason 1 I won't go live there again. You just can't talk to her when she gets like this. If you don't agree with her, than you are attaching her. I mentioned that getting them some space would end the power struggle between her and my sister, and she yelled there was none, if my sister would just follow her rules.

My mom is very good at twisting things.

My mom REALLY ticked me off. She used Sydney as pawn. She told my sister that she was going to tell me she was too irresponsible to watch Sydney and that I would not let her care for Sydney. I've tried really hard to stay neutral in their war. I've tried really hard to be supportive, but she just drew my innocent baby into her battle. NOT OK. I (and Vince) DECIDE WHO SEES SYDNEY, NOT HER. SHE IS NOT SYDNEY'S PARENT, AND I WILL NOT LET HER ACT LIKE SHE IS. You all know how much I don't like my MIL, but I've never blocked her seeing Sydney. I might mock her dirty floors after we go, but at least we went.

Honestly, I think my mom needs meds and some heavy therapy. I've gently tried to address this with her, but been rebuffed. I spent almost 2 years in therapy dealing with her crap, and I won't go back to my old patterns which makes her so mad. I won't be the scapegoat. I REFUSE to try to social work my family. She tried to have me do marriage therapy between her and my dad, and it has haunted me. I won't do that. I'll suggest that she and my sister need therapy, but it will get thrown back in my face.

My brothers and I are out of her grasp. One brother barely has anything to do with us. One does, but constantly ticks my mother off because its not what she wants. I try to stay away from her when she is like this. I try to do things on my own terms, but know I cave to her more than I should.

Syd is sleeping better. She sleeps from about 11 to 7:30. She is sleeping with me, but at least she is sleeping. I have to keep her up which can be a challenge, but at least this is an improvement.

Now guess what?

My mom and my sister had a big fight last night and this morning.

First my mom was kicking out my sister. Then my mom was moving out. Guess where she wants to come and live....

Yup. You guessed it. With me.

Now, I'm seriously thinking of having my sister come and live with me. She is 18, and while bratty, would actually be a help around the house and be an enjoyable person to live with. I told her she would have to pay rent to me, and she was ok with that. If my sister came and lived with me, the house would still remain MY HOUSE.

If my mom came and lived with me, it would turn into her house. Plain and simple.

Oh, and so not happening. I'm not sharing a bathroom with my mother. I don't want to hear peep one about how I'm using all the hot water, not when I'm paying the bill.

Am I weird that I am actually looking forward to the time when Vince is gone? Not that I want him to go, by far that is not what I'm thinking here. I'm looking at this as a time for me to do what I want, so I can be independant and still take care of everything, and a chance for me to do some things I want to do. I'll miss Vince a lot, I know this. I've been on my own for a couple of weeks with Syd and about 4 weeks before she was even concieved. I did fine both times. I'm looking optimistically that yes this will be a hard time for me, but I can make this a positive time. I can make needed changes in the home without Vince dragging his feet as he does. I can work hard and take care of things, and still have time to rent and watch Big Love. I can take care of my baby and scrap and sew.

Does that make sense? Since he has to leave and his leaving is a postive thing, I can still have a nice time while he is gone, YKWIM? I don't want to sit and cry, but I know there will be crying times. I think I want to keep life as normal as possible, and having my mom move in would not be doing that at all.

Is she crazy?

Dh's leaving for about 6 months of military training. This is because of his recent promotion and is a good thing.

Some points to think about.

1. Work and Day care are within 10 minutes from my house.
2. My mom lives 45 minutes away.
3. She wants me to let my rental house go, store all my stuff, get rid of my cats, and move in with her.
4. I'd basically moved in with her right after DD came home and DH left for 6 weeks of training. It was HELL. Pure and simple Hell. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. My mom is a controlling gal.
6. I'd save about 900 a month in rent, utilities, etc.
7. I'd have to rent a storage unit, change our insurance policies, etc.
8. My commute would more than triple. The IRS puts mileage at 48.5 cents per mile. Last time I did this commute, I averaged 80 miles a day. 80*.485*25= 470.45 a month. (18.18 A DAY!!!!!)
9. Rent on a storage unit would likely be about 200 a month.
10. I'd have to rehome my cats. While I have one I would like to rehome (he is a loveable pest) I'd hate to rehome all of them.
11. Last time I crashed in her room. I had no closet space. I had no TV as she does not have cable. I got when are you coming home? When will you be back? Why do you spend $3 on a half a gallon of organic milk? It was not home.
12. I had to keep neat and orderly at all times.... my mom's rules. She insists on communal laundry doing, and got mad that I was not interested in particpating. I wanted to do my own laundry, not the whole house holds.
13. When things got bad, and they did, it was ALL my fault. Why? Because I'm the scapgoat in my family, and because I was disrupting thier routine. Well I have my own routine, TUVM.
14. My mom is a morning person. I'm not a morning person AT ALL.

Just looking at the math here.... I'd save about $200 a month. HA. Go through hell for $200 a month. Not likely. Last time I did not have a day care provider for Syd, and I wanted to keep her out of day care since she just got home. This time I have an excellent provider for Syd, and have no problems with her being in day care. I'd spend at least that in retail therapy, and I did last time, why? Because I was left alone in the stores. Then I'd get the 3rd degree when I came home with purchases.

I love my mom, and I'm working on redefining my relationship with her. I do really good dealing with her controlling crap from 30 miles away. I don't do so good at that living with her. I am not a child, yet it seemed I was expected to be one. I'm grateful for the offer, and fully plan on leaving Syd with them for a weekend when I fly and visit Vince.

She said to me that she does not know if I could handle being a single mother. Lovely vote of confidence there. NICE, really NICE. Sure I'm not the greatest house keeper on the planet, but a couple of friends have offered to help me organize and get things de-cluttered. How about she offers to come help me with deep cleaning and no commentary? How about she picks Syd up and goes to my house so I don't have to drive the round trip to her home so I can go grocery shopping? How about she offer help me some way I want help, not what she thinks is best?

I don't wanna move. 6 Months with my mom? She must be joking.

D-Day

Well today is the day.

Today Vince learns if he earns a commission or not.

I'm terribly nervous.

I'm very glad that the sword hanging over us will fall. I'm very glad that the anxiety, the worry, and the stress will be over, no matter what his commander decides. I'm trying to focus on today, not worry about the what ifs, but I'm not doing too well on that point.

As for Syd and her sleeping.... ROFLOL.

Last night I kept her up all evening. It was a fight to keep her up from 9 to 10. At 10 I got her ready for bed and she went to sleep. I'm so tired I collapsed as well. We were both asleep before 10:30. I was very excited thinking she would actually sleep all night.

Ummm... No.

She woke up at 1:30 and stayed that way. I got some sleep on the couch.

CIO starts tonight. One thing I realized is that I need to feed her heavy foods before she sleeps, because she wakes up hungry. So I'll feed her pediasure, turkey, and baby cereal, then she can go to sleep. And she stays in her bed for the rest of the night. I'm setting up the small crib my mom gave me tonight. Oh, and she is sleeping in another room other than mine as well. I love my baby, but this sleeping like crap has to stop. She and I both need this to stop. It is draining all my resources.

On to my mom. Yes she needs to STFU. I'm well aware she does not think I'm a skilled mom at getting Syd to sleep. What we had been doing had been working until about a month ago, then it all went to hell. I'm trying to do what I think is best. I now think this course of action is best for us.

Oh.... she offered to have me move in with her while Vince is gone. She said I'd save the money I'd spend on rent, and can put my things in storage. Yeah. NO. NOT HAPPENING. I have to have my space to parent. I don't believe in parenting by committee, which is what it was when I lived there last year. Parenting by committee, a committee I was not on because I disagreed with them. I need to parent her, My mom needs to grandparent her, and my sisters need to aunt her. Sheesh. I don't need that pressure. I hated living there. It was really bad. And she wants me to do it for 6 months???? SOOOOOOOOO not happening.

So please pray for Vince today, and for me and Syd tonight.

Gotcha Day

Today is our Gotcha day!!!

Celebrate!!!!

One year ago we ran out of the hospital and made it home WITH our DD. What a happy day that was. Such a very special day. If you are interested...

Here is the video link. Because I don't want youtube linking back to this site, remove the #### in the link so the link will work.

From when we roomed in...
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=l3FmZS2zjPA

Going home!
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=LFQCeQ0miYA

What a wonderful day that was. I look back at that video and snicker at times. Vince wondering if he should drive slow because we have the baby in the car. Me messing with the blanket and wrapping her up in it.... thing is, it was about 90 that day. She did not need a blanket. She barely needed clothing.

I bought her the duck dress she is wearing. It was a newborn size. I bought it on one of my OB approved shopping jaunts while on bed rest. I was sitting in one of those electric carts. My mom was there. She had bought Sydney a pink dress, but I told her I wanted to purchase the duck one. She said I had no need for it, since she bought the pink one. I told her I wanted the duck dress and was buying it. She wanted to know what for. I said I needed something cute to bring her home in. She said that's why she bought the pink dress, and acted a bit hurt. I thanked her for the pink dress, but said that Vince wanted me to get her a dress to wear home that he and I bought. Plus, the pink dress was a 0-3 months, and we already knew she was being born small. I said that I was hoping that a new born dress would fit... as you can see, it was still huge. In the end, I bought the dress, sweater, and a pair of duck booties. I wanted to get the really cute duck hat that matched but my mom talked me out of it.

BTW... both the duck dress and pink dress still fit. When I'm home I'll upload a picture of her very recently wearing the duck dress. She wore it to Vince's graduation.

Any ideas out there how to help Vince and Sydney bond? She is really clinging to me, and his feelings are getting hurt. He feels left out. She cooperates for me and won't for him. I try to suggest that he do more of her cares without hollering for me to help or getting frustrated. I suggest that he bathe her. He really won't do that. Any ideas?

Oh, I decided that Kristin is right and I took down the adjusted age ticker. A friend is watching Syd today as our DCP is on vacation, and she had not seen her in a while. When I opened the door with Syd on my hip, she said "She is huge." :)

UGGGGG My MIL

I'll start off with something pleasant... pictures of Sydney on our vacation.







Now onto my rant....

So the MIL has been whining that we don't come around... again. So we went over tonight.

Some things to note as you read:

1. It is summer here. On the way home, the sign at a bank said 82 degrees Fahrenheit.


2. Sydney is an independent gal. She HATES socks.


3. Typical attire here in the summer is shorts and flip flops.

When MIL gets home, she starts in about the fact that Sydney did not have socks on. I was wearing flip flops, basically I HATE wearing socks when the temperature is above 75. I mentioned this and that Sydney just takes them off and looses them, so why bother. MIL said "Because her feet get dirty". So I'm to stain treat socks that get lost anyway so I don't have to give Sydney's feet an extra scrub in her bath? I thought skin washes.

Then MIL starts in on Sydney's knees. She said that if I had pants on her, her knees would not be getting dark. UGGGG So I have to have a ton of pants with holes in the knees so her knees don't get dirty... plus the fact that it is hot and I don't want her to be uncomfortable? WTH?

What I'd like to say to MIL is maybe you should mop your floors once in a while. She has all tile floors and Sydney's feet were FILTHY when we got home. Wanna see?

Yes, that is all from her being at my MIL's house and crawling on the floor. YUCK.

If you can tell, I'm much more upset about her questioning my mothering, once again. I cannot please that woman.

DH has a bad habit of putting people on speaker phone. He did this last week when we were en route to our camping trip. MIL told him she did not know how to make me happy, nothing pleased me. I held my tongue. I asked Vince what she wanted. At Sydney's birthday, I thought I welcomed them and that I told them how much I liked and appreciated Sydney's present. I mean I did not clap and jump for joy, but that would have been over the top for diapers, pj's and socks, really. I don't know how to please her, and frankly I'm done trying. I'll be polite and that is about it. I can't stand her, and if DH did not love her I'd have nothing to do with her.

She was complaining about the pictures of Sydney she has. She wants me to make more. She was complaining about the top of Sydney's head being chopped off on one... I moved it around in the frame, problem solved. She has never paid for a single picture. She demanded several from our wedding, which my mother paid for. She demanded a copy of the wedding video, which I paid for. She got angry when I handed her the order form and price sheet for the wedding photographer. I don't think she bought one. She helped herself to so many pictures of Sydney that my brother used his employee points to buy, that I had to buy more for me and my mom, and for my brother... and we bought a lot. She demanded but did not pay a cent for 10 graduation announcements for my husband's graduation. Money was VERY tight, and I skipped lunch twice to cover this.

This is the woman who went ballistic during my c-section, and has yet to apologize. This is the woman who got up in arms when she learned grandparents could visit at will, and she demanded her own bracelet (the golden ticket into the NICU) and then came ONCE to see Sydney, when we were there. She visited Sydney twice when Sydney was in the hospital. TWICE. My mom went almost daily during the week. Some sibling or other came to see me during the weekend. I had friends that came and saw Sydney more than MIL. She is so frustrating.

Since you have listened to my whine, here are some very cute pictures of my darling baby.

Tonight...

Will the real Army Wife please step up?

So a "Real Army Wife" thinks I suck as an Army wife because I hate the president. MMMM KAY. Jusging by her user name, and that she just registered in May of 2007 and had 2 profile views, one of which was mine, I am flattered she chose to register with blogger all so she could express her opinion to me. You know... you could have posted on a more recent post instead of me hunting to a post from September 2006.

So on my Blinkies post of long ago she posted this gem.

Ok you are a military wife, & you hate GWB? I am sure I am not posting in
the right place, but my question to you is,"How long have you been a military
wife?" How can you be a proud military wife, & not support their efforts- Go
on hating & support terrorism, be sure to vote for a yellow belly democrat
who wants to defund the war to put our soldiers/husbands/wives/sons/daughters in danger- When my husband enlisted into the Army, he knew what he was signing up
for-

Oh really.... I don't remember taking a mindless loyalty oath when I married my husband. I don't remember being required to check my brain when I go on base and by diapers at the PX.

I've been a proud military wife since I married. We will be married 8 years the end og this month.

I'm HIGHLY offended that you take my patriotic questioning of the president and his messed up administration of YES people to be "supporting terrorism." I do not support terrorists who want to kill and destroy everything I love. Last time I checked.... Osama Bin Laden is still alive... He attacked us. Saddam Hussein, while being a VERY evil man, did not attack us, and he is dead.

I'd like to direct you to this quote from Theodore Roosevelt...

"The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole.Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else."
Kansas City Star", 149 May 7, 1918

In order for there to be freedom, there needs to be the ability to question and YES, be VERY angry at our leadership. In order for our country to work... we need to be free to question our leaders.

I can, and AM, an excellent military wife, and I think my questioning the president make me a better spouse. DH did not marry a mindless autontom. He married a woman who thinks and has a brain.

Don't you all just love how all democrats are "yellow bellies" and what are the republicans.... Yes sir Ditto heads? Posts like this one are the reason we have an us versus them problem in this country.

So Real Army Wife... you can sod off.

BTW

The person I spoke of in the post below was my mother. She has no clue.

Unsolicited Parenting advice

Why is it that people seem to have the need to give unsolicited parenting advice? Am I doing such a bad job that I scream I need help with this? Is there a sign I can't see saying that I'm such a bad mom my baby is about to die?

I think I'm doing a good job at this. Sydney's pediatrician tells us how good she looks. R, Sydney's day care provider, tells me how happy and well adjusted my baby is. Sydney wears clean clothing appropriate for the weather, has had a bath within the last 48 hours (every day dries out her skin), always rides in her car seat. Her cries are attended to in a fairly quick manner, I breast feed her at will, we read to her daily, we have her involved in our daily lives, etc. She is growing, gaining weight, developing, is happy, has bright inquisitive eyes, and is very loved. I think she is doing fine.

HOWEVER, because I can't seem to get her to sleep in her own bed, you would think I'm the world's worse mom, EVER. My mom thinks I should get Ferber and let her cry it out. Frankly, no judgement on anyone who did this, I think CIO is bad, bad, bad. My MIL thinks I should play her Mozart and that will help her sleep in her own bed. I can't hear her cry and not do something about it. Great one more thing I should be doing that I'm not. Sydney listens to classical music when I'm in the mood for it while we drive. Sometimes we listen to Shakira or the Black Eyed Peas. Sometimes we listen to talk radio. Sometimes I just listen to her talk. Johnny Cash has a very calming effect on her, so we listen to the man in black on a fairly regular basis. She's been exposed to Elvis, Kenny Rogers, Celine Dion, Usher and all the other eclectic mix which resides on my Ipod. There is plenty of Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, and Vivaldi on there. I believe there are 4 or 5 MoTab cd's on there. So now because I don't listen to Mozart 24/7, I'm sorta neglectful, or as my MIL said "she should listen to more of that. I'll get you a CD." No please don't get me a CD because I have versions I like and get uppity when something like Beethoven's majestic 9th symphony is performed badly. Music snob yes I am.

I'm not going around wearing a sign saying "We co-sleep and I'm begging for advice from anyone and everyone." I really try to keep it on the down low that this is going on. It seems that EVERYONE thinks that how the baby sleeps is a good judge of how you mother, so it seems everyone asks about this. I try to hem and haw about this, but no, she does not sleep though the night. The only way I know how to get Sydney to sleep is to nurse her to sleep. She like to nurse on and off during the night. I don't have a problem with this. I'm away from her all day, I think having her next to me all night is a good way to reconnect and bond with her. Plus she has gotten good at finding my nipple without my help, so sometimes I don't even have to wake up. It feels very nice to know she is right next to me, just fine.

I just want to scream "If this is a problem for you, do what works for your family. This is what is working for mine, and I don't need any help with it. "

All this advice makes me question how I'm mothering. It makes me worry that I am doing something wrong. I am trying to go with the flow and follow Sydney's lead. We do what is working for us. This advice makes me wonder if they think I'm doing a bad job, and it leads me to question my mothering skills. There is so much to worry about as a mother. I just wish my mom or MIL would tell me they think I'm doing a good job at this. All this "advice" leads me to think they believe I'm not doing a good job.

Party at Primary Children's ER - Long

Sunday night I was over at my moms. The bench that my mom, who was holding Sydney, was on was not locked correctly, and collapsed. They ended up falling between my mom's bookcase and a rocking chair, we were in their living room. My mom did a great job protecting Sydney, but must have injured her little leg when they fell. My mom was holding Sydney's leg when they fell.

After the fall Sydney cried a lot. We thought it was from the commotion and the 5 women in the room screaming. I held her and got her to nurse, and she seemed ok. She co-slept fine Sunday night, and she had some rough nights the past couple of nights so that seemed like a blessing to me.

Monday morning come. She seems ok, but SCREAMS when I changed her diaper. I fed her mashed potatoes on Sunday night, without knowing they had milk in them. I thought it was gas, because she was farting, so I gave her baby gas medicine and she seemed fine. I noticed she was holding her left leg a bit oddly, but thought maybe her diaper needed adjusting, as she was back to her normal happy self. I packed her up for day care and she SCREAMED when I strapped her in, which is par for the course. She usually cries at car seat time.

I took her to day care. I let her provider know what happened and asked her to call me if anything was wrong. She later told me that Sydney was fine, ate fine, slept a little more than normal, but only cried when she was changing her diaper when it was time for me to pick Sydney up. DCP was very upset by her screaming. She did not call me because she knew I was on my way. I called the pediatricians office and got an after hours appointment at 7. Sydney is weighed and now weighs 10 pounds 2 ounces!!! We see the PA. He is very kind, does x rays, says we need to go to Primary Children's ER in Salt Lake, about 30 miles away.

Silly me, I answer when my mom calls, and she says she is coming down. She feels very bad. I told her that who ever was holding her on that bench it would have happened with. DH had a paper due this am, so we had to call my bro to borrow his laptop so DH could finish his paper.

So after me waiting at the peds office for about 45 minutes, DH, mom and Bro arrive. Sydney was all nursed and happy. We believe in the laying on of hands, so DH and Bro give her a blessing. Her leg got bumped during the blessing and she started screaming. My mom nearly lost it during the blessing and ended up crying all over the MA. She was a very nice and understanding MA.

So we all drive to Primary's. We get there and get checked in. Even though the peds office called down and said we were coming, we are told to wait in the lobby. Ummmm The absolute last place I want Sydney is in a pediatric hospital Er waiting room. I tell the nurse that. She said, "well you said she got the synagis shots..." Yes, but they don't prevent RSV, they minimize it. We end up waiting in the car. Sydney desperately wants to nurse, so my mom ends up walking the parking lot all bundled up.

After an hour waiting, we get in. We wait. We wait. Nurse practitioner come in. Seems he did not look at the chart, so asks all the same questions again. Asks why DD is small. Because she is an ex 34 week preemie weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, that's why. Anyway, he says that the x-rays that the peds office are basically worthless. Says we have to have some more.

Then the doctor in charge come in. She says that she and an orthopod looked over the x-rays and they were fine. They want different views of her knee after the doctor examined her leg. They also wanted to draw blood to rule out infections. She lets me nurse Sydney about midnight. Big relief for both of us, as I was about to send DH outside for the pump.

So rad tech comes for Sydney and I. We follow her. As we walk past the nurses desk, a nurse there says our x rays are on hold. We go back to our room, where I begin to panic.

As you may know, until a couple of months ago, I was a child welfare worker. Basically, as Sydney is an infant, I've been very upset that CPS would get called. There were plenty of witnesses to the accident, but still I was very worried. It turns out that a good friend was on-call for Davis county last night, but I still was so very worried. I don't want a CPS case, I don't want a CPS worker involved in my family at all. Something similar happened to another DCFS worker and the children got removed, the family was financially devastated, the worker lost his job. Their entire case was overturned by the appeals court. I'd rather skip that destruction to my family. Also, I believe that I would have to be put on admin leave if there is an investigation on-going as I work in a background clearance position of trust. So far to my knowledge, no referral has been made, thank God. It actually turns out that my friend had to respond to Primary Children's ER last night, same time as we were there. She knew where we were because she saw Vince walk into our room. She decided against visiting to spare me the heart attack that would have happened when I saw her, before she could say she was not there on business. I talked to my mom and DH about what to say if DCFS does get involved. As my sister is still a minor, my mom needs to remind her that she needs to ask for her parent if a caseworker shows up. Basically, I've been in the system, and while I think that child welfare is very needed, and I am very supportive of DCFS, I worry greatly about what would happen to my family. Simply put, I've seen a good family destroyed because a worker made an error. I spent a good part of the night worried about CPS. I mean we are talking about a bone injury in a non-mobile infant. I was just hoping no one decided to doubt what happened, because accidents do happen. Also thankfully, a lady from the neighborhood was over when the incident happened, so we have a non family witness, who also happened to be sitting on the collapsed bench.

The nurse comes in and puts the iv in. She gets the blood they needed. She got the IV in with one poke. We go for x-rays. The ladies were none too nice. Simply put, they asked me to wait outside. As I had said to my mom and to the nurse, I've been through worse with the NICU, I'm staying put. This is something that I have committed to myself from the NICU experience, something I learned. I am there for my daughter. At the doctor's office, the gave me a lead apron to wear, and asked me to hold Sydney's hands. At the hospital, I was not given an apron and they did not even speak to me after I refused to leave the room. I believe that even though Sydney was screaming, having me there to whisper to her and stroke her head was comforting. I hope it was. I don't want to get in the staff's way, but I'm her mom. They can do the procedures, I'll love. From being in the NICU, I've observed that when staff is doing a procedure that is their focus. They usually don't say nice things until they are done. That is why I want to be there, to comfort her while they do their job. I see this as they do their job as nurses, I'll do mine as mom.

After the blood tests come back perfectly normal and the x rays come back fine, the doctor recommends that Sydney have a bone scan. They can't do this at night, and we have to call in the am to schedule this. Because this involves injections, they leave the hep-lock from the IV in. I have been taking care of this. Sydney started to chew on the IV, she chews on everything, so I put a little bootie over her hand. It is the blue one she is wearing. She now chews on the blue head, and quite likes the rattle on her hand. She has not fought with it too much. We finally were discharged at 2:45 am. We were all so very tired.

It has been so hard going through this. It is bringing up emotions from the NICU. Medical issues, fear issues, CPS/social work issues, control issues, my mom issues. It's so hard seeing her cry in pain while procedures are done to her again. Seems she now recognizes syringes, as she started crying when she saw the nurse setting things up. Poor baby. It has also been sad when I hurt her. We have been holding and moving her with great care, but sometimes I bump her leg. She also screams when placed in her car seat, and if I'm not very careful when I change her diaper. She is so very active with her limbs, and her little left leg just sits there. She has it bent at the knee, almost tucked under. She may be happy and kicking with her right leg, but not her left. At her bath tonight, Vince held her arm, I bathed. She did the splashing with her feet that I've taught her, but only with her right leg. She does move her left leg, just not nearly as much.

So we go back to the hotel Primarys tomorrow for the bone scan. I can't nurse her after 8 am until after her procedure is finished and she wakes up, so I'll have to pump. She will be so unhappy. They said we can give her pedialyte in her bottle until 10 am. I've never given her anything but breast milk via bottle, so I have no idea how she will take to it. My mom is going with me as Vince has a final.

I called my boss about needing time off. Thankfully he was wonderful. I told him he could call if he needed anything but he reminded me that I no longer work next door (DCFS) and that they'll handle anything. It was so nice to have my boss worried about me and my baby not the work and being upset because she has to do something. Sydney's day care provider has called a couple of times very worried as well.

Sorry for the long post. It just flowed out of me.

I cannot say

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom lately.

I want her to be a type of mom she is not.

Plain and simple that is it.

After my experience with my pregnancy and the NICU, I’ve learned the painful fact that my mom has her own issues, issues which I cannot solve.

With everyone else, I am not a pushover. I have no problem standing up and defending myself or someone else to just about everyone I know. This includes the, respectfully Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I can say just about anything to anyone, including God.

Except my mom.

I cannot say to my mom “I wish you had not lectured me when I called you in tears after the run in with the social worker about the camera. I wish you had taken my side.”

I cannot say “When I called you to tell you that the ultrasound measured Sydney as 3 weeks behind, I wish you had cried with me. Rather, you told me this was because I was using technology, and if I went to an old male OB, who did not use ultrasounds, everything would be ok.” Had I followed that advice, Sydney would definitely been dead, and maybe me too.

I cannot say “When I told you I had to have a cesarean section, I wish you would have mourned with me the loss of my dreamed for vaginal birth. Rather you lectured me on surrendering my birth, and the unnecessary use of cesarean sections.”

I cannot say “I was so stressed out during that non-stress test, and your being there only added to this. I am forever grateful that the tech was paying attention to how you were lecturing me about not being ready for this baby. She came around the curtain and suggested that you go get me lunch to see if food would help the baby. You left, and I went from completely failing the non stress test and having worrisome high blood pressure to being normal. I ignored your calls that weekend on doctor’s orders. It was either that or she was admitting me with no visitor privileges.”

I cannot say “I’m an adult. I do not need you involved with my medical decisions. I need you to be supportive, but you do not get a saw in who my provider is, what medical treatments I get, and what happens.” When you wanted me to add your name to the release of information I signed when I first was pregnant so Vince had full access to my medical history.

I cannot say “I wish I could talk to you about how to help Vince right now. Instead you will likely pressure me to leave him, and use this as ammunition in the future.”

I cannot say “Please minimizing how hard it is for me to be away from Sydney during the day. You never had to put your baby in day care. You do not know what it is like.”

I cannot say, “You never had a high risk pregnancy. You never had a cesarean section. You never had a premature tiny baby. You never had a baby in the NICU. You do not know anything about any of these things, so stop telling me what I should and should not feel, should and should not do, how I should act.”

I cannot say “I wish you would have been more supportive of me and Vince about the scene his mother caused after Sydney was born. Instead we had to walk on eggshells with everyone. I did not hurt your feelings, and neither did Vince, but we bore the brunt of your emotions when we were least able to handle this.”

I cannot say “I wish you would accept my life without judging me. I love my husband. I love my daughter. We occasionally go to church. Our home is often a mess. We care for each other and love, rather than the nagging and screaming which you did/do to have your home clean.”

I cannot say “I hate schedules. I hate getting up early. Leave me alone about it.” It was very hard for me, with all my emotions and pain with Sydney’s birth to have to have you nag at me for not making schedules to fit your needs, rather than to recognize that your daughter was suffering and your schedule discussion came across as an attack of a new mommy.

I cannot say “You thought you were being supportive while Sydney was in the NICU, but you were not. I gave up the emotional energy trying to get you to be supportive. Yes you bought clothes, but this made me feel that what I bought was unneeded.”

I cannot say “Thank you for purchasing a blessing dress for Sydney. However, it is the type of dress you want, not what I told you I want. I do not want to bless Sydney in the dress you bought incase she died, so I have something to bury her in. I felt very stepped on. I did not want to bless her in the bad juju dress, but I did because you were already very upset about Vince’s mom, and I could not handle your upset if I got a different dress. I wish you would have asked me if you could purchase a dress, or suggested that I select a dress and you will pay for it. What you do not know is that there is a bookmarked dress that Vince and I selected in case she did not survive, ready to be overnighted if the need arose. I allowed you to step all over my boundaries here, and I wish I had done more to express this to you.”

I cannot say, “Go read my blog.” because this honesty will crush you, and you will cut me off and even though I am leaning better how to be your daughter and what my boundaries are, I still need you.

These are all things I cannot say. I wish I could.

Now I wonder how to prevent Sydney typing something similar in 30 years.
I say that because we often parent as we were parented. I do not want to parent the same way. I want to be someone Sydney wants to be there when she is in a crisis, not someone who adds to her pain.

Phone Call

Yesterday Vince was finally able to call me after being in the field for 10 days. He was not able to have access to a phone while in the field.

Only problem is I left my cell phone in the car.

I missed 6 phone call attempts from him.

When I realized this, I was nearly sick. We have not talked for so long. I want to hear his voice and know he is ok. I wanted to be able to connect with him, help him focus, cheer him up, etc.

It is very hard for me to put into words what I get from a call when he is away. I can hear his voice, a voice that my soul longs to hear. I get to re-affirm, without even talking about this, that he is mine, and I am his. It’s not about me checking up on him, or anything like that. It is a deeper soul connection. It is a way to re-affirm we are ok, loving each other, and still missing the other. It’s more than hearing how his day was. It’s about love and all the simple, soundless ways that lovers express their desire for their lover. Sometimes the calls have a sexual flavor to them, but what is expressed in the calls is much deeper and meaningful than a sexual bond.

So later on that evening, my mom asked me if Vince called. She knew I was expecting a phone call from him. I told her that he called several times while I had left my phone in the car. She knew this, as she had tried to reach me during that time.

She told me “Don’t be upset.” I told her “Don’t”.

I am sure she is referring to her frame of reference. If this had happened, my dad would be furious. Especially once my mom had a cell, she was expected to answer his calls. When he was gone, he would get mad if he called and no one was home. He refused to set a time to call, so there were times we missed out on movies, etc because we were waiting for him to call.

Vince is not like that. I was disappointed I missed his call, not afraid he would be mad. I wanted to reconnect with him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him how good Sydney is doing, and to let him hear her. I just wanted to talk to my husband, and based on the 6 missed calls, he wanted to talk to me too.

My question for her is Don’t what?” Don’t miss him? Don’t be sad he is gone? Don’t miss my life with him? Don’t be sad I had a chance to provide him some love and support and I missed it because I left my damn cell phone in the car?

Thing is, my marriage and hers was very different, and she forgets that. I like my life, she was miserable for years.

About 2 years after Vince and I got married, we hit a rough patch. This coincided with the time that my mom and dad separated. She more than once told me I should just move home. After the first time, I stopped talking to her about what was going on. Of course, she took that to mean that Vince had threatened me or something like that, and one incident brought this to a crescendo. It was winter. I had locked my keys into the house. I was late for work. My coat was in the house. I was cold, and all I had was my cell phone. Vince and I had fought a lot about the locks on the door. I felt that the stupid lock on the knob did nothing, but lock people out. He felt that every lock needed to be locked. I’m not talking about the deadbolt, but the little flip lock on the doorknob. Vince was in class, and was not answering. I called my mom, and the story came out in sobs, because I was already emotionally raw because of the stressful morning, being late for work, and being out in a snowstorm. Basically, she came over, helped me break in, and then insisted that I leave Vince right then. I believe she was trying to help, in her own way. She said that my dad used her misunderstood belief that her parents would not let her come back home if the marriage did not work as a tool to keep her in the abusive marriage. I also believe, through therapy, that she was also looking for someone to be single with, to help her out, and to jointly hate our ex husbands.

I did not leave Vince. I don’t know how I maintained the backbone to date him, marry him, and stay with him. She did not approve of him when we started dating. It was hard. As you all have read, I have a hard time standing up to her. I usually deal with her controlling ways by having distance between us. When Vince and I were dating, I lived at her home. Having the courage to remain true to what makes my life happy, namely having Vince in my life, is one of my proudest achievements.

Vince did call me back. He had very little time to talk because of lights out. It was wonderful to hear his voice. He sounded very tired. He got poison ivy on his face. He got satisfactory reviews on his performance. He got along with the others. He just wants to come home. He gets his cell phone back on Wednesday, and comes home on Saturday. If anyone was to hear our conversation, they would not be able to hear how important the call was, as nothing life shattering was discussed. He heard Sydney make some baby noises, and talked to her a little bit.

I was able to tell him about Sydney. At her weight check yesterday, she weighed 6 pounds .5 ounces!!! She gained 10 ounces in 2 weeks. She is on track developmentally with her chronological age, not her adjusted age. She stays on the apnea monitor because she has had recent apnea spells. The pediatrician is not concerned about this.

Anyway, I was upset I missed his call. When he called back, it was several hours after I had missed his calls. I was sure he would not call again that night. He did call, and it was so nice to talk to him. 4 more days.

Chat about my mom.....

Been having problems with my mom. I chated with Danielle about this, and here it is. I even left the spelling errors intact.


WendyLou says:
I know you are away, but my blog is down, and I need to vent about my mom.'
WendyLou says:
Anyway, she has been getting VERY pushy lately. I am a strong person, with my own will, why am i just caving to her, I don't know.
WendyLou says:
After lecturing me for about half an hour with the sun in my face, for which I got a sunburn about how to have a successful marraige and bring home the baby and not destroy it, she then drops the bomb that I know. Vince is gone the whole month of July. I had planned to have the whole month off, but because of the bed rest, I won't. Oh BTW, Her marraige was a stunning success. Let me tell you.
WendyLou says:
Anyway, basically, I should stop expecting Vince to do ANYTHING aound the house, and the baby is mostly my responsibility until she gets interesting. I should not expect him to RST the drill the weekend after we think she will be born. I should not expect him to pick up the damn living room or get up with the baby too much? Why the hell am I married then, for the sex???????
WendyLou says:
Anyway, she is bashing my MIL because when my MIL was over here under extreme exaustion, she questioned my choice of diapers. She says my MIL is bossy and controling. HA!!!!!! Pot calling kettle black. I did point out to her that both she and I are pretty bossy. She said she will not undermine my being a mom.
WendyLou says:
No, her grand plan for the month that Vince is gone and I have to work full time and have a premie/ 3 month old is to basically move into her home. LOVELY, I get to add a 45 cmmute minute to all this stress, rather than a 5 minute one. WTF is she not moving in with me?
WendyLou says:
MY MIL works graves, and has offered to stay at my house during the day while she sleeps. Then my mom asks what I would feel if she got rough with my baby.... UMMM the same thing I would feel if anyone got rough wiht my baby, Get your damn hands off of her.
WendyLou says:
So seriously, I feel trapped between 2 controlling women, one admits it and one is in complete denial about her controling. Problem is, I need help, I can't do this alone, and I can't handle a 2 month old with no help while Vince is gone, and I'm a mess.
Lady Magus says:
hey, i'm here, gimme a sec to catch up
Lady Magus says:
wowzers woman
WendyLou says:
My mom feels that my MIL will take advantage of my being upset because Vince is gone, and run all over me. My mom is taking advantage of my being vunerable because I am worried about the baby and running all over me. Oh, I should also maybe consider not having Vince come to all the appointments. She seems to forget that he has not been to many lately because of school.
WendyLou says:
K, so I'm just screwed, right.
Lady Magus says:
not at all
WendyLou says:
I just needed to get it out, away or not.
Lady Magus says:
you're fine
WendyLou says:
I could have JUST screamed at her.
WendyLou says:
I'm currently hiding from her online.
Lady Magus says:
here is what i would do, k?
WendyLou says:
K
Lady Magus says:
consider: do you want help from the grandma that is willing to help in a way that benefits HER, or the one that benefits YOU? (ie, in your home or somewhere else you don't want to be)
Lady Magus says:
second, you don't HAVE to let either help with this
Lady Magus says:
i am positive you can find a really good person with no kids to come be a nanny for a month
WendyLou says:
Never thought of that....
Lady Magus says:
next, don't fight with your mom... either hang up if it's on the phone or walk away, saying as you do so, "this is not your life, please let me live it"
WendyLou says:
We did not fight... I just sat there like I was 16, and if I said something wrong, she would take away my car.
WendyLou says:
See, I think she wants to be helpful, I just think she has NO idea how she is coming off.
Lady Magus says:
well, then tell her, mom i am a grown woman and i would appreciate it if you treated me as such
WendyLou says:
I own my damn car. If she took it away, that would be grand theft auto. I am just falling back into teenager mode with her.
Lady Magus says:
lol
WendyLou says:
How do I set boundries with her?
Lady Magus says:
i understand, truly, hardest thing i have ever done is tell my dad he can't control me
Lady Magus says:
hmmm
Lady Magus says:
tell her straight up when she says or does something that hurts
WendyLou says:
I know. I had done very well with this untill the baby.
WendyLou says:
This is her first grandchild.
Lady Magus says:
how does Vince feel about all this?
WendyLou says:
Oh... I could get going on how she thinks Vince cannot handle Sydney in the NICU after birth. She wants me to fight a battle so that someone(read her) can be with the baby right after birth, but I should follow the rules about my having to be able to sit up in a wheelchair to see her, about 10 hours after her birth.
Lady Magus says:
it is a privilege in being a parent to be the first one there
Lady Magus says:
she needs to realize that
Lady Magus says:
Vince may do like Randy and be an absolute rock and get you through it, in fact, i bet he wil
Lady Magus says:
she needs to have more faith in him as a father
WendyLou says:
He does not know about the talk I got today. I don;t know how to tell him.., Gee my mom thinks you can't handle this baby stuff. She said that she will keep the stuff for her in the NICU because Vince is bad at agthering stuff. I told her, actually, give him a good list and a general area of the item, and he will do just fine.
Lady Magus says:
remind her HE is the parent, good grief, i am so sorry
WendyLou says:
I think he will be the rock. I told him of her NICU concerns, and he pointed out that she was all supportive of him re-enlisting even though we KNOW there will be a deployment where he will see combat. He asked how he could be strong enought to kill and watch his buddies be killed, but not be there to support his baby daughter.
Lady Magus says:
can i suggest something?
WendyLou says:
I am discussing that one with my doctor5. I have no problem with Vince holding her, but I want to be the first to hold her.
WendyLou says:
Sure, I need help.
Lady Magus says:
it sounds to me like she is causing you a lot of stress and i doubt it will get better when the time comes. let me tell you, Sydney's birth will be stressful, the first few days will be scary, and the LAST thing you need is someone hanging out that causes more stress. i told Randy's aunt (who was being much like your mom) that she was NOT to come to the hospital, because things were already hard
Lady Magus says:
i am crying at the memory, but DON'T THINK SHE HAS TO BE THERE if it will stress you out! she is your mother, but she is NOT Sydney's
WendyLou says:
I think that would start world war 3. Good thought though. I have to think about that one.
Lady Magus says:
let her be mad, because believe me, extra stress on that day can HURT you AND Sydney
WendyLou says:
When I had my lap she was there and was really pushy, about getting up and coughing and the like, and I told her to F off. I said the word, not just f. I blamed it on the anesthia.
Lady Magus says:
oh no!
Lady Magus says:
i am lol though
WendyLou says:
My friend has offered to come run interfearance.
WendyLou says:
It felt good, and honestly, I was awake enough to not say it.
WendyLou says:
It just galls me that she has plans to see my baby before I can. I don't want Sydeny to be all alone, but damn it, I'm this kids's MOM.
Lady Magus says:
Wendy, a birth is about love and life and should be peaceful. she won't be alone, you will be able to see her after recovery
Lady Magus says:
and VInce can be with her too if he's still here
WendyLou says:
The social worker said mom's can't go to the NICU until they can sit up from the csection. But that was an intern, who know what the real social worker would say.
Lady Magus says:
i had c-sections and with Julia, i was in a wheelchair within an hour
WendyLou says:
There is NO way in hell she would be in there when I am giving birth. Even if this was normal, No way.
WendyLou says:
How? I was told 10 hours.
Lady Magus says:
nope
Lady Magus says:
i went to recovery, i woke up, they told me what was going on, and i went
Lady Magus says:
i don't remember it though
WendyLou says:
I have discussed the MOM issue with my doc, and she has already agreed wrote in my chart only one person allowed in there. My mom wanted to be there in the c section, but the hospital rules are strict there, thank God. I know she is excited, but I just stressed out.
WendyLou says:
I'm having a planned one, so I should be awake. My co-worker said she remembers everything that happened in her awake C-section.
Lady Magus says:
i was knocked out because we were in trouble
WendyLou says:
I am sure if this was not a planned one... I'd end up that way.
WendyLou says:
Vince just got home after failing a final. I need to pay attention to him. Thank you for listening.I will think about all this. I envy my sisters because I will have fought this battle for them as well as countless others.
WendyLou says:
So before my hotmail crashed, I saw an email about Randy coming home. Do you have a date?
Lady Magus says:
between June 17 and 23 they should be in Cedar
WendyLou says:
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lady Magus says:
yep
WendyLou says:
Are you going to drive down?
Lady Magus says:
oh yeah!!! they are putting us up for a couple nights
Lady Magus says:
i gotta go, sis having heart trouble, talk later

Why my mother does not know the URL here.

I’ll get to the title topic in just a bit… First an update.

I just got back from my OB. I really like her. She said that there are no guarantees, but she is comfortable seeing us through this, and going where this goes. There are no guarantees that the baby will grow, but she measured 18 weeks 3 days today, so she has grown. Heartbeat still good, movement still good, legs still crossed so no confirmation on the gender. There is a low normal amount of amniotic fluid. She said I do need the close monitoring. I see her one-week, and then the perinatologist the next. They don’t assign patients to a perinatologist, they rotate them. There are four perinatologists who come to Ogden from the University of Utah on a rotating basis. Dr. Calm (her name I gave her) said they don’t allow a patient to be assigned to just one doctor. She said that if Dr. DH is on and there is an emergency, then I should see him, but otherwise she supports my decision not to see him. Anyway, she thinks that things are looking ok. She mentioned that with the close monitoring, if we notice that the baby has stopped growing, the amniotic fluid gets way to high or to low, or my blood pressure skyrocket, or the baby’s heart rate drops, once we hit viability (about 24 weeks, based on her weight) we will talk about delivering. If the baby starts showing distress, I’ll likely be hospitalized for close monitoing to try to steal every day of gestation we can. She said I still may end up with a healthy 40 week pregnancy, we just will watch, wait and pray. I am to continue my normal routine, ensuring plenty of rest, activity, healthy food, and water. I am also to stop googling everything. I am to call her before I google, because the googling has been stressing me out. She said I should google cats and read about them, because I’m reading tons of stuff that is just upsetting me.

So here begins my discussion on my mother. I knew when I started this blog, she would come up sooner or later. Maybe that is why no family members know the URL. They know I have one, but they don’t know how to find it. At least if they have, no one has mentioned it, and no one has started a war because of what I have wrote.

I talked to my mom for quite a while this morning. After my appointment, I called her back up to let her know what the doctor said. The talk I had with my mother this morning was reassuring, because she reminded me that she was told to abort England, my sister’s blog name, and England is doing fine. England has no birth defects. All my mom's pregnancies went over due, so she thinks that genetically that our babies just grow slow. She told me I should try to not get so much testing. I asked Dr. Calm about that, and she advised that we continue with the intense monitoring to be able to catch a problem with the baby and deliver if needed.

Now, I don’t really think that my mom likes Dr. Calm all that much. After my fun at the ER at 6 weeks, I saw Dr. Calm the next day. Vince had a test at school, so he could not come. I was on “bed rest” after the ER, so I could not drive. So my mom came and took me. I had selected Dr. Calm because she was recommended to me by my GP. Dr. Calm delivered my GP’s children. I think that is a ringing endorsement, that a female doc trusted Dr. Calm to handle her pregnancies. I don’t have to have female doctors, but I prefer them, and would really rather see a female, all things being equal.

So, my mom has met Dr. Calm. From the BEGINNING, she had a problem with Dr. Calm. She knew one of the other Ob/Gyn’s in Dr. Calm’s clinic, and wanted me to switch to him. I told her that I would see about that after the initial appointment. Well, after the initial appointment, I loved Dr. Calm. She is laid back, and is a doctor I feel I can communicate with, ask stupid questions of her after I have been googling too much, and I feel she is very knowledgeable and compassionate. Any way, my mom did not like her, and still wanted me to switch. I said no, and the subject dropped, or so I thought.

So after I tell her about the appointment news today, and the possibility of delivering early, she flipped out. She wanted to know why I would choose to have a premie. I said that this is a last resort if the baby is in distress and looks like it might die. She said that the baby should just stay in my womb. I tried to explain if it is a placental or cord problem, then staying in the womb will mean death, while having a premie means at least a chance at life. She wanted me to go find a 70 year old Ob/Gyn who does not use all this technology. She thinks that if I go to an old man, then the monitoring will stop and the problems will go away. She thinks all the problems are just because we know about this because I had the APFT test, which she thinks I should never have again. Basically, she wants me to stop seeing a doctor I trust, go find some ancient doctor not current on modern medicine, and start seeing him.

My mom also implied that I was being stupid or selfish by “choosing” to have a premie, rather than let a baby in distress remain in my womb. Basically, if the womb becomes a hostile environment, I’d rather give the baby a chance at life in the NICU, rather than let it die inside of me. Is a 24-week baby optimal, NO, but I would rather let my baby have a chance outside the womb, rather than certain death. I mean if the placenta stops working, nothing will get it started again. Outside, there is a chance that medical procedures will be able to help the baby continue to grow and develop. I want to avoid the NICU at all costs, but if that is what has to be, that is what has to be. I mean, I’m not saying have the baby at 24 weeks because of my sciatic pain. I am not taking pain medication because of the baby’s growth problems. Dr. Calm feels that these may slow things down even more, so nope to the Lortabs, even though my pain is enough to justify them.

Our call ended with her basically saying, whatever, and she had to go. It was very frustrating. I mean, I just got told there is a likelihood of a super premie being born, and my mom questions the information I have been given, and wants me to switch from a provider I trust to a provider who I don’t know. I just wanted some support. I know all 5 of her pregnancies went just fine, but mine is appearing to have concerns. I’m now high risk. Dr. Calm is not overreacting; she is monitoring closely and letting us know the options. Maybe everything would be just fine if we did not know there was a problem, but I would rather know so that we can make informed decisions. Oh, I’m not switching doctors.