Yes Faith, there is a Santa Claus

No, I'm not dead.

I'm actually ok. Really I am.

I have had a hard time thinking of things to post, hence the silence. I just don't think you all really want to hear me whine about missing Vince over and over, and that's what I feel I'd write.

A brief synopsis of what I've been up to

1. Still employed at the same place, doing the same thing.
2. Syd has 3 new teeth, and is so close to really walking.
3. She can expertly climb up and down stairs.
4. My Wellbutrin was switched to generic and stopped working. I'm on Effexor now.
5. I have spent a lot of time watching Star Trek videos on you tube.
6. I even bought some seasons of Voyager off Ebay.
7. I've been reading a lot of Janeway/Chakotay fanfic. I've written some, but am too embarrassed to post it anywhere. I've spent a LOT of time at home reading this.
8. I found some old fan fic I wrote years ago. I'll share only if I ever meet you in person, or I know you in person (Dawn, Trista, Susan, etc this means you) You are free to compliment, but are are forbidden to ever mock me (well teasing because it is so bad is ok). Bad writing here. I wrote it in college, and before I was married. I swear it is bad.
9. I'm lonely. My appetite has been sucking lately because of Vince being gone. The bright side of this is I've lost close to 25 pounds.
10. Syd is finally out of the bucket car seat and into a convertible one. I still have her rear facing.

On a very happy note, I just got back from 4 wonderful days with Vince in St. Louis. He had a break between his trainings, and I flew out to see him. I left Syd with my mom. That was hard. We stayed at a Hilton, and the hotel was wonderful. We had a wonderful time just being with each other. We were able to see the play "Rent" which was on tour there, and the play was marvelous. We ate at lovely restaurants, and went to Six Flags. I HATED our rental car, and HHR, because the blind spots were huge, but otherwise the time was fantastic. It was the first time I had left him at the airport, usually he leaves me standing there, and it was really hard on him to see me go. He said he now understands how it is hard to be left behind. I now know how hard it is to walk away from the person you love and go deal with the TSA.

While on the TSA, my carry on bag often doubles as my lunch bag. It had a fruit cup in a side pocket, a fruit cup I had forgotten all about and had no idea how old it is. You would not believe the fuss over a fruit cup. I told them to throw it away, and they had to consult supervisors over it. I was allowed to keep my fruit cup, which I threw away because it looked old.

The flight to St. Louis was wonderful. I had the bench to myself and stretched out and read a book while sipping Diet Coke then tea, with music playing on the Ipod. So very relaxing and nice. It was such a burden off of me to know that I literally HAD to sit there and relax. No one could call me, and I could not call anyone. I did not have to feed Syd, just sit there and be. It was heavenly. Flights home not so much, but the flight there was wonderful.

Confidential to Sarah: Your card came on a very low day for me. I saved the money and Vince and I enjoyed dinner in St. Louis on my birthday thanks to you. I thought of you when we ordered, and said a grateful prayer for your kindness.

Confidential to Faith: Thanks for prompting me to write again. I was afraid I would start and never stop because I have so much to say. It was moving to see your post today.

Confidential to Dawn: Thanks for being here with me. And thanks for helping me clean my disaster of a house. Only a true friend would come and sort through this mess.

Getting ready

I'm so stressed.

Broke.
Short on time.
Too much to do.
Worried.
Stressed.
Tired.

Yup, that covers it.

Vince leaves Saturday. Insert bawling smilie here. There is so much he needs to do. He has been acting like money grows on trees. I've FINALLY gotten him to stop spending, I hope. He just wants to have EVERYTHING NOW.

What I try to point out is that
1) He is not going to kingdom come. There is a fully stocked BX where he is going.
2) He can still purchase stuff he needs there when he gets there.
3) Things he cannot purchase there, he can go online and get later when we can afford this.
4) Things he cannot purchase there or online, I can go buy and ship (read LDS garments.) He does however have PLENTY, trust me PLENTY of those, he just wants all new ones because they have an all new military kind.

I just hate dealing with money and him. If I gently suggest that we can't afford that right now or he needs to wait, he gets upset sometimes and says he won't get it ever. I think a big part of this difference in attitudes is how we were raised. I was raised middle to upper middle class. There were times (many times) things were lean, but I never went hungry, and I almost always had what I needed, and usually most of what I wanted as well. If my mom said she could not afford the New Kids on the Block tape I wanted now, but I could have it after pay day, I knew I would get it unless I ticked her off. I grew up in stable homes in nice neighborhoods. Vince was raised in poverty, pure and simple. His dad did not pay child support. His mom worked multiple minimium wage jobs. I'm sure there was a lot he did not get because of money. Different experiences, different ways of looking at money.

Anyway, he leaves Saturday. I'm taking some of today and all of tomorrow off.

Oh, and Sydney is sleeping at my mom's tonight. I'm worried about her being gone, but Vince and I do need time alone to get ready to go. She is an active healthy baby, and chasing her is something we do a lot of. We will actually be able to get things that need to get done with her being gone. I'll also be able to get a good nights sleep. It will be the first time she will spend the night away from me since she came home. I hope this goes ok.

I'm getting worried and upset about him leaving. Vince is having a hard time leaving. He says it is harder this time. He feels like he and Sydney just got into a grove, and now he has to leave.

I'm planning on flying to see him at least once, but can't book airfare until we get some money.

Well then, I just blogged about money because I don't want to talk about him leaving. Great coping skills there.

Random thoughts

I have several different topics to cover, so bear with me.

I am VERY stressed right now. I've taken to wearing my teeth grinding guard during the day because the grinding and clenching is so bad.

It is stressful having Vince leave. His job is giving him the run around. I'm worried he does not have time to prepare.

Work is boring.

2 co-workers are pregnant. 5 and 6 weeks. Today they were having a conversation about births etc, and I'd say something and I got told that's because your birth was weird, your pregnancy was bad, etc. I really felt out of place, like if I told my experience, I was cursing them or something. I excused myself and went and cried in my office because of how out of place I felt, and how robbed of what they had I felt, and how unvalidated my experiences were. And I would normally call one of these women a friend.

My mom and my sister had another blow out today. My brother the pious and I am trying to give them some space, so I offered to let her come live with me after Vince leaves. She can go live with him in the mean time. My mom took this to us trying to split up the family and taking my sister's side. What we are trying to do is to not take sides, but recognize that all this constant fighting is really bad for both of them and give them some space to calm down and remember that they love each other. Mom called me tonight and yelled at me, saying we were letting my sister off easy. Problem is I can see thought my mother's controlling behaviors. She has also conveniently forgotten all the crap my brother and I pulled and making us out to be perfect teenagers and we were not. Trust me. She thinks them being at each other's throats constantly is healthier than them getting some space. She did this with my dad. She did this with my brother. They fought constantly. For years. Because that was better than a divorce.

I'm not saying that my sister is blameless here by far, but ALL the problems are my sisters, NONE are my mother's. I'm sure she is struggling with the fact her baby is 18 and trying to be independent and making mistakes at it, but my mom is really doing this the wrong way. It is so bad, that if my sister was under 18, I'd be calling DCFS.

I'm stuck in a hard spot. I want to help my sister, but don't really want my mom to come after me. I don't need that too. She started in on my this evening, but thankfully got an ambulance call. I don't want to take sides. She used to have me try to take sides between her and my dad, and I won't do it any more between her and anyone, and it makes her SO mad, then she comes after me. Happened several times when I lived there, which is reason 1 I won't go live there again. You just can't talk to her when she gets like this. If you don't agree with her, than you are attaching her. I mentioned that getting them some space would end the power struggle between her and my sister, and she yelled there was none, if my sister would just follow her rules.

My mom is very good at twisting things.

My mom REALLY ticked me off. She used Sydney as pawn. She told my sister that she was going to tell me she was too irresponsible to watch Sydney and that I would not let her care for Sydney. I've tried really hard to stay neutral in their war. I've tried really hard to be supportive, but she just drew my innocent baby into her battle. NOT OK. I (and Vince) DECIDE WHO SEES SYDNEY, NOT HER. SHE IS NOT SYDNEY'S PARENT, AND I WILL NOT LET HER ACT LIKE SHE IS. You all know how much I don't like my MIL, but I've never blocked her seeing Sydney. I might mock her dirty floors after we go, but at least we went.

Honestly, I think my mom needs meds and some heavy therapy. I've gently tried to address this with her, but been rebuffed. I spent almost 2 years in therapy dealing with her crap, and I won't go back to my old patterns which makes her so mad. I won't be the scapegoat. I REFUSE to try to social work my family. She tried to have me do marriage therapy between her and my dad, and it has haunted me. I won't do that. I'll suggest that she and my sister need therapy, but it will get thrown back in my face.

My brothers and I are out of her grasp. One brother barely has anything to do with us. One does, but constantly ticks my mother off because its not what she wants. I try to stay away from her when she is like this. I try to do things on my own terms, but know I cave to her more than I should.

Syd is sleeping better. She sleeps from about 11 to 7:30. She is sleeping with me, but at least she is sleeping. I have to keep her up which can be a challenge, but at least this is an improvement.

Everyone else is, part 2

Again, Wendy being the follower. Every time I take this test I come out ENFP.

Down day

Syd's sleeping is not going well. She cries for about 20 minutes, sleeps for about an hour, lather rinse repeat. It is very hard. I've started talking to her about sleeping and preparing her for it. It is just hard. I want to say thanks for all the tips and ideas people have sent me, I really appreciate them. Things are improved over my I'm losing it post, but they are still a challenge. I'm worried she is having nightmares, because she wakes up screaming as if she is scared. Now she goes to sleep very easy at day care. DCP says she plays a little than goes to sleep. UGG WHY can she do it there, but not at home?

I'm down today. The overwhelming burden of Vince leaving is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm pretty near crying right now. I restarted the Wellbutrin today. I've been off for a couple of months and have done fine, but I'm worried about what will come. So I'm being proactive and restarting the meds.

17 days until he leaves. I keep reminding myself that this is a good thing, at least he is not in Baghdad, blah, blah, blah, but I also keep thinking... My Lover is leaving for 6 freaking months. (I'd swear but I'm posting from work.) That is the overwhelming part right now. 6 MONTHS. I know the time will pass because it always does, but that's where I am right now. The anticipatory grief one has before a big loss occurs.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

Oh, and Trista, I'll work on the blinkies.

Another sibling and his wife weighs in

My brother the Pious and his wife who were waiting to adopt and is now miraciously due in December came by to bring Vince a congratulations you got promoted gift. They brought him the Star Wars Lego video game. Vince loves it. It is nice when someone gives you a gift you will really enjoy.

Anyway, I mentioned that my mom wants me to move in. He said she wants me there to referee. SIL is an accountant for the I the R and the S. Mentioned I did the math on the mileage and that my housing allowance would go down because of the difference in zip codes. She immediately said that you won't save any money driving 80 miles a day. Both though it would be a bad financial and emotional move, and BTP is my mom's favorite!!! They live blocks away and said they would help with anything, anytime.

So another sibling votes no. That makes 3 votes no, 2 unknown. (But I already know they are nos too).

The Nos have it.

OT.... SIL has not had one teensey urge to vomit. Mandy, Sarah, myself and any others who suffered through a vomit filled pregnancy may now shove our fingers down her throat. I actually am beyond happy that they are pregnant, and am glad she is skipping the vomit. But maybe she could have one 24 hour period of gentle nausea?

A cute pause

There is plenty more to read below.... well if you like reading about my mom and me.

For a cuter pause, some Sydney Pictures. Some have been uploaded from camera phones, so not the best quality, but still cute.











Vince loves Jolt Gum, and Syd found a box to chew on.


With my oldest younger sister.


With my youngest younger sister.




Vince did her hair and dressed her.



And a slide show I made:

I just love her to bits!

Now guess what?

My mom and my sister had a big fight last night and this morning.

First my mom was kicking out my sister. Then my mom was moving out. Guess where she wants to come and live....

Yup. You guessed it. With me.

Now, I'm seriously thinking of having my sister come and live with me. She is 18, and while bratty, would actually be a help around the house and be an enjoyable person to live with. I told her she would have to pay rent to me, and she was ok with that. If my sister came and lived with me, the house would still remain MY HOUSE.

If my mom came and lived with me, it would turn into her house. Plain and simple.

Oh, and so not happening. I'm not sharing a bathroom with my mother. I don't want to hear peep one about how I'm using all the hot water, not when I'm paying the bill.

Am I weird that I am actually looking forward to the time when Vince is gone? Not that I want him to go, by far that is not what I'm thinking here. I'm looking at this as a time for me to do what I want, so I can be independant and still take care of everything, and a chance for me to do some things I want to do. I'll miss Vince a lot, I know this. I've been on my own for a couple of weeks with Syd and about 4 weeks before she was even concieved. I did fine both times. I'm looking optimistically that yes this will be a hard time for me, but I can make this a positive time. I can make needed changes in the home without Vince dragging his feet as he does. I can work hard and take care of things, and still have time to rent and watch Big Love. I can take care of my baby and scrap and sew.

Does that make sense? Since he has to leave and his leaving is a postive thing, I can still have a nice time while he is gone, YKWIM? I don't want to sit and cry, but I know there will be crying times. I think I want to keep life as normal as possible, and having my mom move in would not be doing that at all.

Is she crazy?

Dh's leaving for about 6 months of military training. This is because of his recent promotion and is a good thing.

Some points to think about.

1. Work and Day care are within 10 minutes from my house.
2. My mom lives 45 minutes away.
3. She wants me to let my rental house go, store all my stuff, get rid of my cats, and move in with her.
4. I'd basically moved in with her right after DD came home and DH left for 6 weeks of training. It was HELL. Pure and simple Hell. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. My mom is a controlling gal.
6. I'd save about 900 a month in rent, utilities, etc.
7. I'd have to rent a storage unit, change our insurance policies, etc.
8. My commute would more than triple. The IRS puts mileage at 48.5 cents per mile. Last time I did this commute, I averaged 80 miles a day. 80*.485*25= 470.45 a month. (18.18 A DAY!!!!!)
9. Rent on a storage unit would likely be about 200 a month.
10. I'd have to rehome my cats. While I have one I would like to rehome (he is a loveable pest) I'd hate to rehome all of them.
11. Last time I crashed in her room. I had no closet space. I had no TV as she does not have cable. I got when are you coming home? When will you be back? Why do you spend $3 on a half a gallon of organic milk? It was not home.
12. I had to keep neat and orderly at all times.... my mom's rules. She insists on communal laundry doing, and got mad that I was not interested in particpating. I wanted to do my own laundry, not the whole house holds.
13. When things got bad, and they did, it was ALL my fault. Why? Because I'm the scapgoat in my family, and because I was disrupting thier routine. Well I have my own routine, TUVM.
14. My mom is a morning person. I'm not a morning person AT ALL.

Just looking at the math here.... I'd save about $200 a month. HA. Go through hell for $200 a month. Not likely. Last time I did not have a day care provider for Syd, and I wanted to keep her out of day care since she just got home. This time I have an excellent provider for Syd, and have no problems with her being in day care. I'd spend at least that in retail therapy, and I did last time, why? Because I was left alone in the stores. Then I'd get the 3rd degree when I came home with purchases.

I love my mom, and I'm working on redefining my relationship with her. I do really good dealing with her controlling crap from 30 miles away. I don't do so good at that living with her. I am not a child, yet it seemed I was expected to be one. I'm grateful for the offer, and fully plan on leaving Syd with them for a weekend when I fly and visit Vince.

She said to me that she does not know if I could handle being a single mother. Lovely vote of confidence there. NICE, really NICE. Sure I'm not the greatest house keeper on the planet, but a couple of friends have offered to help me organize and get things de-cluttered. How about she offers to come help me with deep cleaning and no commentary? How about she picks Syd up and goes to my house so I don't have to drive the round trip to her home so I can go grocery shopping? How about she offer help me some way I want help, not what she thinks is best?

I don't wanna move. 6 Months with my mom? She must be joking.

Soooooooo

Vince met with his commander.

And it went much better than expected.

Vince becomes a Second Lieutenant on Friday!

THANK GOD that the ROTC phase of our lives is over and we get to move on.

I am beyond relieved.

I am so happy. I am so glad that all the sacrifice and struggle and loss of the last 2 years related to this program have come to fruition.

I am so relieved for Vince. I really dreaded having to work him through not commissioning.

D-Day

Well today is the day.

Today Vince learns if he earns a commission or not.

I'm terribly nervous.

I'm very glad that the sword hanging over us will fall. I'm very glad that the anxiety, the worry, and the stress will be over, no matter what his commander decides. I'm trying to focus on today, not worry about the what ifs, but I'm not doing too well on that point.

As for Syd and her sleeping.... ROFLOL.

Last night I kept her up all evening. It was a fight to keep her up from 9 to 10. At 10 I got her ready for bed and she went to sleep. I'm so tired I collapsed as well. We were both asleep before 10:30. I was very excited thinking she would actually sleep all night.

Ummm... No.

She woke up at 1:30 and stayed that way. I got some sleep on the couch.

CIO starts tonight. One thing I realized is that I need to feed her heavy foods before she sleeps, because she wakes up hungry. So I'll feed her pediasure, turkey, and baby cereal, then she can go to sleep. And she stays in her bed for the rest of the night. I'm setting up the small crib my mom gave me tonight. Oh, and she is sleeping in another room other than mine as well. I love my baby, but this sleeping like crap has to stop. She and I both need this to stop. It is draining all my resources.

On to my mom. Yes she needs to STFU. I'm well aware she does not think I'm a skilled mom at getting Syd to sleep. What we had been doing had been working until about a month ago, then it all went to hell. I'm trying to do what I think is best. I now think this course of action is best for us.

Oh.... she offered to have me move in with her while Vince is gone. She said I'd save the money I'd spend on rent, and can put my things in storage. Yeah. NO. NOT HAPPENING. I have to have my space to parent. I don't believe in parenting by committee, which is what it was when I lived there last year. Parenting by committee, a committee I was not on because I disagreed with them. I need to parent her, My mom needs to grandparent her, and my sisters need to aunt her. Sheesh. I don't need that pressure. I hated living there. It was really bad. And she wants me to do it for 6 months???? SOOOOOOOOO not happening.

So please pray for Vince today, and for me and Syd tonight.