And so it goes

Where we are today....

At my doctor's appointment on Thursday, here is what we learned......

1. Sydney is now measuring 3.5 weeks behind, up from measuring 4 weeks behind. She did grow this last week.
2. Sydney hates ultrasounds. Seriously, they get out the wand, and she really starts moving.
3. I do not have gestational diabetes. My blood pressure (a really big concern) is fine. I am not anemic.
4. My amniotic fluid is normal as well.
5. Cervix is closed.

However, serious concerns exist. Basically, I'm being admitted to the hospital next Thursday, or Friday at the latest. I'll be on a WHOLE lot of monitoring, and even more bed rest. I'm still on partial bed rest this week. I have a week to tie up the lose ends at work. If things go WELL, I hopefully will be in the hospital 6-8 weeks. However, I could have her on Friday, or any time after that. I'm 25 weeks, 2 days today. She is still not 500 grams.

What Dr Calm, my OB says is that the decision to give me the steroid shots is a complicated one. They wear off, and they can't give me another dose when they wear off. She also said that babies born small for gestational weight actually do better in the NICU than correct sized babies, because their systems are already used to stress. When the human body gets stressed, it protects the brain, heart and lungs. We bay be surprised to see her lungs are very developed. There is a protective factor for IUGR babies that is not understood, but it continues to protect their brains.

So Tuesday, I go see Trista's Dr Blue Eyes for a second opinion. Dr. Calm saw me filling out the forms, and I started to feel bad about wanting one. She said that she is from back East, and people do second and third opinions there all the time. She does not know why people here don't do them as often. She did warn me not to be surprised if Doctor Blue Eyes tells me the same information. I told her I won't be, I just want to have another set of eyes on the problem. I am to have Doctor Blue Eyes call Dr Calm on Tuesday. It is likely that Dr Blue Eyes, Dr Calm and Dr Malpractice * will pow wow Thursday. I then see the perinatologist on Thursday. If he does not put me in the hospital on Thursday, Julia will be doing that on Friday when I go see her. She will allow me to have Vince bring my pets to visit me outside the hospital. I also get to decorate my room. I'm thinking spray paint. (joke)

So I told my supervisor this on Friday. I gave her the doctor's note, and will give her the rest of the FMLA paperwork on Monday. She did not seem thrilled. Oh well. I don't give a shit right now. Right now, Sydney needs her mom more than anything. Sydney needs her mom to be taken care of and not stressed. One of my co-workers pointed out, what will matter most in 20 years. The answer is a no-brain-er. I need to rest, be monitored, and be available for Sydney. Nothing else matters. I have 10 weeks of leave right now. I'll earn another before I run out. They passed the FMLA laws for a reason. I feel bad about my cases going to my already overburdened co-workers, but I cannot help that. I did not create the situation where there is a shortage of caseworkers, management did. I removed a kid on Friday, making my caseload 23. Another child on my caseload will likely be removed on Thursday, making my caseload 24. That is a LOT to disperse, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Sydney is more important than much else right now.

I am a bit frustrated with the hospital. I've been trying to arrange a tour for a week now. My call got returned on Friday, and no one called me back. I have a lot of questions for them, which I would like answered. Some of them are...

1. Is there Wi-Fi? If not, how will I have internet access? (I just can't be cut off if I am laying there for weeks.)
2. I'm bringing an Xbox. Do I need to bring the adaptor?
3. What is the food like?
4. Can I leave for a while during the day, or am I here for good?
5. Other assorted hospital questions.

I wish they had called me back.

Also, Vince is frustrating me. I ask him to do something for me, and half an hour later he does it. Example, I asked him to put my favorite XBox game in before he left to run errands. He said that since he just put on lotion, he should wait. I got upset and asked him to just do it. He got all mad and did it, then stomped off. I know he is stressed, but to get me up is a major production. Tables and pillows have to be moved, plus it hurts. Grrrr. He's been like that all day. His mom then my family came over to clean up our home. He was a real bear the whole time. I know he likes his privacy, but we need the help, because he is not doing anything and I can't. I've tried thanking him, being extra nice to him, paying attention to him, letting him watch what he wants, etc, but he is just being really cranky.

Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts, etc. They are helping a lot, and I feel the strength being sent to me.

* While googling VBAC, I came across the fact that the Perinatologist I like the best, is on the board of the largest malpractice insurer for Utah. Oddly, he seemed to be the only perinatologist NOT practicing lawsuit avoidance medicine. I've named him Doctor Malpratice, not because I think he is a bad doctor, but because of his position on a board all about avoiding lawsuits.

Amazing Grace

I have no words to describe my feelings. I was VERY caught off guard by Trista's caring post. I was surprised when I checked my hotmail box ans found comments by people who are regulars to Trista's blog, but have never posted on mine. Took me a bit before I checked her blog and saw her post.

I am amazed at how strangers were so willing to send me positive energy. I have felt the strength this is giving me.

I am currently surviving on the strength that the prayers, lighted candles, positive thoughts, and well wishes being sent Sydney and my way. I feel the strength that the love of strangers, my family, friends, co-workers and the Lord are sending to me.

I'm LDS, and we believe in the laying on of hands. I received a blessing last night, and I am (currently) at peace with the future. The blessing I received was not one where a miracle happens, however I heard what I needed to hear, and I have been blessed. I am doing better trusting the Lord. In the blessings I received sacred promises, which I may post at a later time, but not now.

A very calming aspect of this blessing was the assurance that I am and will continue to receive the best medical care. How grateful I am for this. One of the worries I have been having is that if I change doctors, I'll get a different answer. I WILL continue on with my second opinion, but I have more trust in the perinatologists I'll be seeing. I do not believe that this pregnancy is going to get any easier, in fact, I have the belief that the medical complications will get worse before they get better. I am very sure Sydney is coming early, and will be very sick.

Are my worries gone. NO. However I have more faith that this is happening how it is intended to happen, and that how my pregnancy is progressing is in the hands of the Lord, and is happening according to His plan, not mine. I'm pretty resigned to bed rest, and am just praying that I can continue on the partial bed rest I have been doing. Whatever I have to do, I will do.

Your continued prayers, lighted candles, and positive thoughts will be gratefully appreciated. I happen to believe in a loving God, and that the strength of petitions to that God is not confined to one religion or belief system. I am grateful for all the petitions sent in any manner on my behalf.

Thank You does not cover the depth of my emotions and feelings, but thank all of you. I see my OB tomorrow. I'll update then.

Why I have not updated lately

Hi there....
Well, where to start. I have had an impossible time writing this. I have not updated my blog for some time, because I just cannot write this.

I'm currently 24 weeks, 5 days. When my baby was measured last week, at 24 weeks, she measured 20 weeks, 6 days. She has been on a small growth rate, but her growth had been steady. Her growth has slowed down. They are concerned of poor blood flow from the placenta to the baby. At last measurement, she weighed 440 grams. They want her to get over 600 grams to deliver her. What they are trying to do is leave her in me as long as possible, and deliver her before the placenta fails.

This is VERY scary. When you dream of a pregnancy, this is not what you dream and pray for. I am so grateful she is coming, but honestly I am grieving having a fat healthy baby. I still barely show, and am getting compliments about how great I look. Little do they know that I am small, because my baby is dangerously small.

I'm having a blessing tonight. Frankly, the only thing right now is for me to pray and lay on my side. I'm on partial bed rest. Heavenly Father is in charge, and this is VERY hard for me right now. Until she is bigger, doctors cannot do anything. The hope is that she is bigger next week, and I will get the steroid shots, and help her lungs, because right now we are looking at having a micropremie. I keep thinking of the scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy path." I'm clinging to my belief that if something happens to her, I will still be her mommy, and be able to raise her. I wish there was clarification on what happens to stillborn babies. Been thinking about writing President Hinckley about that one. (I am bored.)

We are trying to cling to the joy of a new life. She has a name, Sydney Jeanne. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent this, but I cannot help but feel very guilty, as if I am being punished for my sins. I don't believe that is the way the Lord works, but I cannot help but think this.

If you could pray for my little one, I would appreciate it. From the miracle of her conception to the spotting at 6 weeks, to the recent Inter-uterine growth restriction diagnosis, this has been a very trying and draining experience. Add to this, the pregnancy is irritating my sciatic nerve, and I am in pain a lot. I have been on weekly visits to either a perinatologist or my OB for 2 months at this point. The specialist last week said if we could get 6 more weeks from this pregnancy, it would be a miracle. I believe in miracles and I believe they still happen every day. I am praying for that miracle so Sydney has a better chance at life.

I have tried about 3 times to post this. I keep stopping and being unable to write this. I have two updates in draft. To speak the words and to write the words have been very hard to do.

Ode to Sciatic Pain

In the spirit of other much more talented poets, here is my attempt at a poem. Emily Dickinson, I am not.

Entitled: Ode to Sciatic Pain.

OHCH.
DAMIT OUCH.
I have never hurt this much before.
I have HOW many weeks to go?
The doctor better not be lying,
or I will be a crying,
that this pain will end with her birth.

Now that I have suffered,
through all this pain,
her teenage years better be a breeze,
because her head is already on my nerves.

The pain, it drains. It stings, it never wanes.
Sometimes I can stand pain free,
but when I sit, OUCHEE.

I want an epidural, right here right now.
Just hook it up for the next 4 months,
so I can pick up the stuff that falls to the floor.

Did I say that this HURTS????
Did I mention I am really tired of the pain?
Did I mention that I want some relief?

I wish I could tie my shoes, shave my legs, paint my toes.
I wish I could sit and type, sleep all night, stop whining of my woes.
I want to walk normal, sit normal, be pain free.
I have learned great sympathy for those who have chronic pain.

I could really, very quickly become a drug addict.
But the doc says no to the lortabs.
See they can cause babies to be small,
she is already small enough.

So I see the chiropractor,
and he waves my leg in the air.
and I pray for relief,
and I pray for strength to bear.

Seriously, what was I thinking?
I keep hoping that this is the worst.
Pain I can tolerate, other worries are worse.
I'll put up with this pain until June,
because this pain means she is in there, alive, and growing everyday.

Politics in Utah

Bad, bad news in the Deseret (desperate) News. Lavar Christensen a real ass and homophobe in Utah, has decided to run against Jim Matheson for federal congress. To read the article click here. Now it really irks the Republicans that Jim is even elected, because he is the SOLE Democrat sent to congress. In 2000, they gerrymandered the districts to try to get rid of him, but somehow he keeps getting elected (which the article explains).

Lavar LOVES to run message bills. Basically he says if you are not strait, you are not welcome. Trista has been talking about him here. Even the article comments about this. Here is that article... My comments about his statements are in italics.

State Rep. LaVar Christensen, R-Draper, made it official Wednesday: He's running against Democratic Rep. Jim Matheson in the 2nd Congressional District this year.

Damn.

LaVar Christensen Two other Republicans — Joe Tucker of Alpine and Chris Lonsberry of Ivins — have announced against Matheson, but Christensen may have the best chance of giving the three-term incumbent a contest. Christensen, who has already raised $185,000 for the race, putting in $150,000 of his own money, said he is too busy with his legislative work to make a big show of an announcement. That will come before he formally files his candidacy.

So what this means is that he has actually raised $35,000, and contributed $150,000 of his own money. See why normal people can't get involved and run? I could contribute about $100 to my campaign.

"I just want people to know of my decision," said Christensen as he passed out a press release to some of the reporters covering the 2006 Legislature. "There is a bright dawn ahead for America," Christensen said in the release. "The Republican vision for our country draws inspiration from our past and offers the promise of a bright future for our children. "Our nation is built on a solid foundation of wisdom and principles that have weathered every storm and spread freedom throughout the world. In Congress, I will work to preserve that heritage."

"Preserving the Heritage" read: Discriminating against GLBT, and non-Christians, and anyone who thinks differently than he does. Ever notice how so much is about "the children" however when "the children" need money, it gets cut? Utah is number 50 out of 50 states in the per pupil spending rate.

Said Matheson: "We won't know who my opponent is until after the (Republican) convention and the primary. Who runs against me has no effect on how I do my job. I am looking forward to talking about my record of accomplishment with Utahns this year."

I love Scott. I am so glad that Utah sends at least one Democrat to Congress.

Christensen, an attorney who also deals in land development, was first elected to the House in 2002. He quickly showed his conservative side, introducing several so-called "moral" bills, speaking often on legislation and quoting from the Founding Fathers and other well-known Americans. This year Christensen is sponsoring 12 bills and resolutions, more than most House members.

Do we want to send someone to Congress who is clogging up Utah's legislature with message bills, and passing things destined to get Utah sued? Do we want to send that to Congress, so instead of wasting 45 days in Utah, he can waste a whole year in Washington.

He has long been an admirer of the late President Ronald Reagan, offering resolutions calling for naming different buildings or installations after the late president. His HJR13 in this session urges Congress to rename Hill Air Force Base the Reagan Hill Air Force Base. To challenge Matheson, Christensen will have to give up his District 48 seat. Earlier this year, KSL Radio talk show host Doug Wright announced he wouldn't run against Matheson. GOP executive director Spencer
Jenkins said he knows of no other GOP candidates who may enter the race before
the mid-March candidate filing deadline. If that ends up to be the case, Christensen is the best financed and best known of the GOP pack.

I've already commented on changing Hill Air Force Base's name. To read this, click here. Suffice it to say, I do not agree with this.

Matheson, who always works hard at fund raising, has $650,000 in cash. He's spent more than $1 million in his past contests. "The 2nd District needs effective representation," Christensen said. "Like the majority of voters in the district, I am a Republican by choice and for good reason." Republicans are holding America together, he said.

Well Levar, I am a DEMOCRAT by choice and for good reason. I love how he is insulting the good job that Matheson has been doing in Washington. I'd also like to add that I feel much of the division in our country is caused by the Republicans and their exclusions. I don't believe the Republican party is holding the US together, instead I feel they have done a good job at creating an Us versus them society.

"Our party offers the compass and the map that guide our progress as a nation." But Christensen's challenge is to get a large number of Republicans — especially Salt Lake County Republicans — to vote for him. After the Legislature redrew Matheson's 2nd District boundaries in 2001, the son of the late Gov. Scott M. Matheson has had to appeal to a heavily Republican district that runs from the eastern part of Salt Lake County east and south into Washington and Iron counties — one of the largest geographic districts in the nation. Matheson carried the
Salt Lake County portion of the district by more than 60 percent in his last two
elections — getting a healthy chunk of the Republican vote.

Wow, one party contains all the solutions to the worlds problems. Problem is that the Republicans have been in power for several years now, and I feel our country is worse off. The LAST think we need is to send another rubber stamp for GWB to Congress. Notice how not everyone agrees.... Matheson got a lot of Republican votes to win.

Christensen's release had several GOP House members praising the Draper Republican's work. Christensen said: "My service in the state Legislature has given me a good grasp of our state's needs. Federal issues that concern us — education, transportation, taxes, health care, the courts, public lands — are all matters that I'm working on in the Legislature."

Oh, I could write pages on this guy. I feel he is so far right, he can't read the watch on his left hand. He is afraid to make a left turn for fear he will turn into a liberal. He's currently a medium fish in a small pond. Sending him to Washington would turn him into a itty-bitty fish in the Ocean. Might do his ego some good.

Addressing current Washington, D.C., scandals, Christensen said, "Washington is
in need of reform, but reform cannot happen if everyone just goes along to get
along." Congress must change the way it does business, Christensen said. "The lobbyist abuses cross party lines. Every elected official must safeguard the public trust. I will work tirelessly to maintain that trust. "I believe I can make a real difference for Utah in Congress."

No you will go there and look like an ass and have the rest of the US think that Utah is a bunch of backwater fools. I'm already committed to working to defeat this moron, any one want to join me?

Comments Welcome

I happen to know from my trusty sitemeter, that I have a lot more readers than posters. Please feel free to post or comment. Comments are open to anyone, even people without a blogger account!

Oh, I know I need to do a better job posting, and wanted to thank those that have posted.

Toning down the Olympic love

So, After I wrote my Ode to the Olympics, I went and ordered one of the cool new Roots Beret Opening Ceremony hats. At the time it was NOT on back order. Had it been on back order, I would likely not have ordered it. The web site said it would ship within 24 hours.

I got a shipping invoice today.... While shopping there, I purchased a $1 pin, along with the $25 hat. Was the hat shipped, no. What was shipped was the $1 pin, with a full $7.98 in shipping added. Seems they add all shipping costs when the ship the first item.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much, but I think that since their web site did not indicate a back order status, I should be taken care of. What I mean is I know they have some hats around, they should send me one of those or I should get a discount. Their shipping policies are such that the first item shipped is $6, and each additional item is $1.98. So even if I cancel the order, I will still have paid $6 to ship a $1 pin. I have talked to three so called customer service people, and no one offered anything to make it right. They all just said I can cancel, and I'll get the $1.98 in shipping back. Honestly, I can see paying $6 to ship a hat, and $2 to ship a pin, but I think the other way around is robbery.

When the pin gets here, I'll see how much they paid to ship it, and I'll call back and complain some more.

My therapist would ask "What do you want from this?" My answer... On Friday, I purchased a non back ordered hat. I want my hat in a timely manner. I do not want to wait until March. Waiting until March seems quite stupid. I wanted to be able to walk around the office during the Olympics wearing a cool hat, and be neat because I'm the only one who has one. Juvenile, I know, but I will admit it. I still might cancel, because I'm currently being told it will not ship for a couple of weeks.

I also want to point out that this company has no idea of supply and demand. This problem also existed in 2002, when they had these cool hats and not nearly enough. I waited in line for 8 hours for one, remember. I asked why they cannot anticipate the demand, and got no answer. Duh, cool hat, being seen all over NBC, lots of people want one. Grrrr.

Oh, I purposely put those key words up there, to get Google hits when people go looking for the hat.

I love the Olympics

I have been privileged to live in an Olympic City twice in my life. We lived in Los Angles during the 1980 summer games, and in Salt Lake City in 2002. Yes, I know the Olympics are a den of iniquity and commercialism, but I'm not focusing on that today.

My first Olympic memory is on a very hot summer day. We sat on the corner by a Conroy's flower shop waiting for the torch to come by. There were a lot of people around, and it was very hot. Finally the torch came by and we all cheered.

Later on, after the Opening Ceremonies in Los Angles, my dad took us all downtown to see the sights. Traffic was awful. I remember buses being escorted by heavy police escort from the Opening Ceremonies to their dorms. My dad said they were countries who were dangerous to us in the US. (I bet they were in more danger than we were.) While in this traffic jam on the LA city streets, we talked with a man from Nigeria hanging from his window in his dorm, while we hung out of the windows of the car. I remember the traffic was so bad, that my mom and I got out of the car, went to a McDonald's, bought drinks, and came back to the car, which had moved about half a block. Funny, it is one of VERY few times, I don't remember my father getting really upset about the traffic. I remember this as a very fun time. We later on went to the Soul Korea house, and got fans that said "See you in Soul, 1988."

In the preparation for 2002 games, it was again a summer day, when while working at a nursing home as a nurses aide, we gathered in a resident's room to watch the TV and see the announcement. When Juan Antonio Samaranch announced the games go to "the City of Salt Lake City" we started yelling and dancing. A supervisor came to see what was going on, and she joined in.

When it came closer to the Olympics, I signed up to be a volunteer. I was assigned to be a volunteer at the Olympic Village. I had just started a new job, and was told I could not have the time off, so I let the position pass. I was very angry when 2 days into Olympics that job ended. I did have a lot more free time to enjoy the games. Vince and I stood for 8 hours to purchase a Roots beret. He had worked a grave yard the night before and was exhausted. I went to the Olympic area several times to look around and see the sights. I was able to see a concert by Martina McBride, but they canceled the medals ceremony that was supposed to go along with the concert. My brother took us to a bunch of the hospitality houses. We ate weird food and got cool souvenirs.

The highlight of the Olympics here in Salt Lake for me was getting to go to the dress rehearsal for the Opening Ceremonies. It was magnificent, and I have never been so proud to be a Utahan. I have a picture of me all bundled up, because it was about 5 degrees that night. My contact lens fell out during "She'll be coming around the mountain" because it was so cold. I had to pick it up off the floor of the stadium, put it in my mouth, and then shove it into my eye, because there was no way I could see the show, or drive home, with only one contact. There were military with big guns all over the place, I felt like I had left the US and went to LALA land. I said to one of the soldiers, sarcastically "Welcome to Utah" and he replied thanks with a thick southern accent. I felt bad about that, so I stopped mocking the guards. I bought an over priced butt pillow, and really overpriced hot dogs and hot chocolate. Honestly, the Opening Ceremonies were wonderful.

I also got to see the Torch a couple of times. The torch ran by my backyard, so I went and stood in the snow and cheered. I saw it when it was by my work, and we stood is slush and waited. I got to hold a torch, as I just happened to be leaving the grocery store when a bus dropped off a bunch of torch carriers. I got to hold one. They were quite light, from what I had thought they would weight.

Vince got to work up at SnowBasin, and got to see much of the action there. He got a green coat. He and I were able to go to the Opening Ceremonies for the Paralympics. Where we were sitting, we could high five the athletes as they got to their seats. Watching the torch be lit was amazing. It was pouring, and Stevie Wonder sang a song about "Its raining and I'm happy, It's pouring and this is fun." They gave us all plastic ponchos, so the rain was better than the super cold.

The Olympics were an amazing time, and I hope to be able to participate in them again. I'm wearing my Opening Ceremonies pin, (0347/2002) and my Roots Beret today in honor of the Olympics. Sad, I stood in Line for 8 hours to get this Beret, sold one on eBay for $75 and they are currently going for $1.99 here. I am going to order this hat so I have one. I also bought a hat from the summer games in Athens, so I am starting a collection.

Miracles do happen

37 pound woman delivers healthy baby boy

Why my mother does not know the URL here.

I’ll get to the title topic in just a bit… First an update.

I just got back from my OB. I really like her. She said that there are no guarantees, but she is comfortable seeing us through this, and going where this goes. There are no guarantees that the baby will grow, but she measured 18 weeks 3 days today, so she has grown. Heartbeat still good, movement still good, legs still crossed so no confirmation on the gender. There is a low normal amount of amniotic fluid. She said I do need the close monitoring. I see her one-week, and then the perinatologist the next. They don’t assign patients to a perinatologist, they rotate them. There are four perinatologists who come to Ogden from the University of Utah on a rotating basis. Dr. Calm (her name I gave her) said they don’t allow a patient to be assigned to just one doctor. She said that if Dr. DH is on and there is an emergency, then I should see him, but otherwise she supports my decision not to see him. Anyway, she thinks that things are looking ok. She mentioned that with the close monitoring, if we notice that the baby has stopped growing, the amniotic fluid gets way to high or to low, or my blood pressure skyrocket, or the baby’s heart rate drops, once we hit viability (about 24 weeks, based on her weight) we will talk about delivering. If the baby starts showing distress, I’ll likely be hospitalized for close monitoing to try to steal every day of gestation we can. She said I still may end up with a healthy 40 week pregnancy, we just will watch, wait and pray. I am to continue my normal routine, ensuring plenty of rest, activity, healthy food, and water. I am also to stop googling everything. I am to call her before I google, because the googling has been stressing me out. She said I should google cats and read about them, because I’m reading tons of stuff that is just upsetting me.

So here begins my discussion on my mother. I knew when I started this blog, she would come up sooner or later. Maybe that is why no family members know the URL. They know I have one, but they don’t know how to find it. At least if they have, no one has mentioned it, and no one has started a war because of what I have wrote.

I talked to my mom for quite a while this morning. After my appointment, I called her back up to let her know what the doctor said. The talk I had with my mother this morning was reassuring, because she reminded me that she was told to abort England, my sister’s blog name, and England is doing fine. England has no birth defects. All my mom's pregnancies went over due, so she thinks that genetically that our babies just grow slow. She told me I should try to not get so much testing. I asked Dr. Calm about that, and she advised that we continue with the intense monitoring to be able to catch a problem with the baby and deliver if needed.

Now, I don’t really think that my mom likes Dr. Calm all that much. After my fun at the ER at 6 weeks, I saw Dr. Calm the next day. Vince had a test at school, so he could not come. I was on “bed rest” after the ER, so I could not drive. So my mom came and took me. I had selected Dr. Calm because she was recommended to me by my GP. Dr. Calm delivered my GP’s children. I think that is a ringing endorsement, that a female doc trusted Dr. Calm to handle her pregnancies. I don’t have to have female doctors, but I prefer them, and would really rather see a female, all things being equal.

So, my mom has met Dr. Calm. From the BEGINNING, she had a problem with Dr. Calm. She knew one of the other Ob/Gyn’s in Dr. Calm’s clinic, and wanted me to switch to him. I told her that I would see about that after the initial appointment. Well, after the initial appointment, I loved Dr. Calm. She is laid back, and is a doctor I feel I can communicate with, ask stupid questions of her after I have been googling too much, and I feel she is very knowledgeable and compassionate. Any way, my mom did not like her, and still wanted me to switch. I said no, and the subject dropped, or so I thought.

So after I tell her about the appointment news today, and the possibility of delivering early, she flipped out. She wanted to know why I would choose to have a premie. I said that this is a last resort if the baby is in distress and looks like it might die. She said that the baby should just stay in my womb. I tried to explain if it is a placental or cord problem, then staying in the womb will mean death, while having a premie means at least a chance at life. She wanted me to go find a 70 year old Ob/Gyn who does not use all this technology. She thinks that if I go to an old man, then the monitoring will stop and the problems will go away. She thinks all the problems are just because we know about this because I had the APFT test, which she thinks I should never have again. Basically, she wants me to stop seeing a doctor I trust, go find some ancient doctor not current on modern medicine, and start seeing him.

My mom also implied that I was being stupid or selfish by “choosing” to have a premie, rather than let a baby in distress remain in my womb. Basically, if the womb becomes a hostile environment, I’d rather give the baby a chance at life in the NICU, rather than let it die inside of me. Is a 24-week baby optimal, NO, but I would rather let my baby have a chance outside the womb, rather than certain death. I mean if the placenta stops working, nothing will get it started again. Outside, there is a chance that medical procedures will be able to help the baby continue to grow and develop. I want to avoid the NICU at all costs, but if that is what has to be, that is what has to be. I mean, I’m not saying have the baby at 24 weeks because of my sciatic pain. I am not taking pain medication because of the baby’s growth problems. Dr. Calm feels that these may slow things down even more, so nope to the Lortabs, even though my pain is enough to justify them.

Our call ended with her basically saying, whatever, and she had to go. It was very frustrating. I mean, I just got told there is a likelihood of a super premie being born, and my mom questions the information I have been given, and wants me to switch from a provider I trust to a provider who I don’t know. I just wanted some support. I know all 5 of her pregnancies went just fine, but mine is appearing to have concerns. I’m now high risk. Dr. Calm is not overreacting; she is monitoring closely and letting us know the options. Maybe everything would be just fine if we did not know there was a problem, but I would rather know so that we can make informed decisions. Oh, I’m not switching doctors.

Counting my blessings

Sorry for the blog strike. I have been swamped again, and honestly have had some writers block.

Update on the baby.... Looks like she is a girl! I am very excited about this. The last ultrasound on Friday, Feb 3, was not very positive other than that. Thankfully all the major organs are in place and appear to be functioning. Brain, heart, kidneys, and spine all look fine. the catch is that she does not appear to be that interested in growing. She should have measured closer to 20 weeks, 1 day, and measured 17 weeks 6 days. However the placenta, cord and cord attachment site all appear to be fine, so now we watch and wait. I really suck at watching and waiting. I googled a bunch of stuff about this yesterday and ended up sobbing to the WeeCare nurse on the phone. (WeeCare is a program offered by my health insurance company.) I go see my doctor tomorrow, and I'll bawl all over her too, I'm sure. What I read on google was very overwhelming and exhausting.

I really hated the perinatologist I saw last week. It was not the same man I saw two weeks before. He failed to introduce himself, (I still don't know his name) and was arrogant and condescending. He also wanted to know what my feelings were on termination. Ummm HELL NO. He then went on to discuss the laws of Utah and that I only have a week before I would have to travel to another state. I'm sure he was trying to do full disclosure, but he said it like an ass and I've decided to call him Doctor Dick Head as he failed to introduce himself. If I knew his name, I'd track down his email so we could all send him hate email. I am going to refuse to see him again. I saw a Dr. Clark the first time, and I liked him fine, so I'll see him. Thankfully I still have my regular OB, Julia, who is wonderful. She actually answers her own phone after hours.

So I have decided to try to be positive and hopeful, which is not my nature. By nature I am a brooder and worrier. Today I happened to think about one of my favorite hymns, Count your Blessings.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain
Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,

And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy

Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be disheartened, God is over all;

Count your many blessings, angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Refrain

So here is a short list of my blessings.

1. I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me
2. I know that Jesus died for me.
3. I know that there is life before and there is life after this life.
4. I have been blessed to have the love of a wonderful husband.
5. Vince tolerates me when I flip out over something, when I am really upset by something completely else. Example, I yelled at him about the litter box, when I am really upset about the baby.
6. I cleaned my messy bathroom yesterday and the spotlessness is wonderful.
7. I am employed at a job which mostly meets our needs and provides excellent benefits.
8. The ultrasounds at the hospital are covered 100% by insurance.
9. The baby is alive. Her heart is beating at a great rate.
10. I am now pretty sure I have felt her kick.
11. Her major organs are healthy and in place.
12. I believe in prayer and that miracles can happen today.
13. My mom's knee surgery went well.
14. My family is mostly healthy.
15. I have access to medical care.
16. I am educated. I can read, write, and do math.
17. I live in a country where I don't have to wear a veil. I live in a mostly free country.
18. I'm not a Republican.
19. 3 more years and we get a new president.
20. I have access to housing and transportation. No one in my family is going hungry or is homeless.
21. I have clean water to drink.
22. I've discovered a network of people to talk to and worry too. It is nice to not be alone.
23. I don't have to worry about my husband not having rights to our baby, as current laws protect both our rights to our child, something many do not have, especially in this state.

So there is a short list. I feel I needed to see this list and share it, and remind myself I am blessed.

Update from Yesterday

So I had my regular monthly doctor appointment yesterday. My blood pressure was much better, I am not dehydrated, and I am back at my starting weight. All good.

My doctor Julia showed me the 3 page report she was sent from the perinatologist. He wrote tons. She did not really go over it with us, and said that she thought things looked fine. She wanted to keep our visit nice, and I can go worry next week with Dr. Clark at the hospital. Even after my post yesterday, that is fine by me. I know that if I decide I want to see the report, I can just call and get it faxed to me, but then I will be looking up and googling again, and worrying some more, so I'm passing for now. Maybe I'll change my mind, but yesterday was calming, so I'm not blowing it just yet. Watch, I'll have it faxed to me next week.

The baby has moved out of my hip, still transverse, but in a more normal spot. It had a good heart rate and movement. It is still behind on growth, but added a day. I was 19 weeks yesterday, it measured 17 weeks, 6 days. Margin of error at this point on the ultrasound is 7-10 days, so we are just fine. She pointed out that neither of us are very tall or big, so our baby is just going to be a little smaller than the average. She said she would be much more worried if we were big tall people. I'm 5'2, DH is about 5'5. Yao Ming we are not. So out little one will just be a small one, because it comes from small parents. Makes sense to me. Weight wise it is on target. At 19 weeks, weight should be 9 ounces, it weighs about 8, so things are good there (well within the margin of error). The heart beat is steady, strong, and about 140, just right. My amniotic fluid level is much better, dang close to normal. I guess the bath and the very little caffeine and lots of water worked.

Now on to what everyone wants to know, gender. My child is still being very shy and uncooperative. It's cord is currently wrapped between its legs, and the legs were very tightly crossed at the ankles. I have my bet from what I saw on the screen, but I also thought a foot was a hand, so I'm no expert on knowing what I am seeing on the ultrasounds. Vince and I are guessing opposite, so we will just have to wait until next Friday when we go have another level 2. Julia said that the development will be much more clear next week, and we should be able to clearly tell. So no more gender news until next Friday.

Someone asked why not go to a Fetal Fotos place. Well, I'll have had 3 ultrasounds in 3 weeks when I'm done next week, all courtesy of my insurance company. I'll tell you that if we still don't know after the ultrasound next week, I'm headed there. Vince does not want to do that, and my doctor advised against them, but I'm dying to know. (I think that is why I get a "show and tell" ultrasound every visit.)

Worrying again.

I’m having a hard time relaxing and enjoying this pregnancy. I feel like my depression is back with a vengeance. I am taking my meds, which helped me before. I’m functioning and all but I think the stress is just getting to me. I know I should “let go, and let God”. I have been able to do this, but I fluctuate between peace in my soul and depression and stress.

What I am stressed about (and yes, I am sure that some are silly things to worry about.)

1. I am 19 weeks along today. I am not showing at all. I know that this is likely because I was fat when I got pregnant. My email update talked about having a messed up belly button today. Mine looks fine. I am worried this kid is not growing as it should. It seems that everyone else I know is showing. Someone last week asked me if I had the baby already. I said, nope. I know it is likely hiding in my hip, but I still worry if it has enough room to grow and be healthy.
2. I “THINK” I have felt the baby move occasionally. I really worry because I’m not feeling it all the time or even every day. I don’t even know for sure if that is what I felt.
3. I go to the doctor today. I’m worried the amniotic fluid situation or the growth rate will be worse. I worry so much that they will not find a heart beat.
4. I am STILL sick. I worry I am destroying my teeth. I threw up my apple juice this morning. I could catalog the differences in throw up, but will resist the urge.
5. I have had some REALLY bad sciatic pain lately. I had some better days earlier this week, but yesterday was horrible. I could not get into a pain-free position. I slept like crap last night.
6. I’m whining and I know it. I SHOULD be so happy and glowing. Instead I am sick and depressed and worried.
7. I’m worried I will never know what this kid is and I will have to keep wondering forever. I know I’ll find out sooner or later, but I’m getting really anxious on this point.

The small moments of relief when Vince is stroking my belly and talking to the baby, or when I have peace about the baby seem few and far between. I know I am blessed, and I know that worrying and being upset will change nothing. I wish I could stop worrying but I just do.

I feel that I am grieving the loss of the mythical imagined perfect pregnancy. You know, like the ones the movie stars have with the cute bumps and cute clothes and they never vomit in public or wet their pants because they are vomiting. The imagined pregnancy where everything goes well, there are no concerns with the tests, and then she goes on to have a medication free delivery with no episiotomy. The perfect pregnancy with no sciatic pain, loads of free wheeling sex with their partner, and easy sleep. Oh, and they don’t have a job from hell and depression to deal with. You know, the pregnancy I wanted and dreamed about and prayed for during the infertility crap. However I have reality, and while I am so happy I am pregnant, reality rarely lives up to our dreams.
I wish that a magic Fairy could come wave her magic wand and tell me everything is ok. If this is what mother hood is like, I am going to have real problems dealing with being a mom.

Your tax dollars at work, If you live in Utah

So with all the PRESSING things facing the legislature during their 45 day session here in Utah, there is a legislator proposing to rename Hill Air Force Base to Reagan Air Force Base. Not only will this waste time in the very time limited session, if this were to be approved and the base changes its name, think of EVERYTHING on base which would need a name change. What a WASTE of time and energy. To read about this click here. Notice they did not interview a single Democrat or person opposed to this change for the story.

Instead of talking about removing the sales tax on food, lets honor Reagan by changing the name of our Air Force base. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. Lets blow some hard earned tax money on changing street names, freeway exit signs, welcome signs, ID cards, car stickers, letter head, and everything else.

Four

So Faith tagged me on this one, so here goes. And no Trista, I have not forgotten about your tag long ago. You are next.

Four jobs you’ve had in your life:

1. Certified Nurses Assistant in a Nursing home: Paid for college
2. Dishwasher at a catering company: Paid under the table and one free Snapple a shift.
3. Security dispatcher at an amusement park: What Fun is not.
4. Child Welfare Social Worker: My current occupation with loads of stress to go along.

Four movies you could watch over and over:

1. Sound of Music
2. Pirates of the Caribbean
3. Thomas Crown Affair
4. Princess Bride

Four TV shows you love to watch:

1. ER
2. Commander in Chief (Woman Power!)
3. CSI (re-runs included)
4. Grey's Anatomy

Four places you’ve been on vacation:

1. Monterrey Bay
2. San Francisco
3. Acapulco, Mexico
4. Bear Lake, Utah

Four websites you (try to) visit daily:

1. Salt Lake Tribune
2. Blogs to the Left on my screen
3. Web Cams at the Monterrey Bay Aquarium. (My favorite is the bay camera)
4. http://www.Msnbc.com News Junkie here

Four of your favorite foods (foods I am craving with this pregnancy) :

1. Raviolis with Marinara
2. Fry sauce
3. Enchilada Sauce
4. Apple sauce and Juice

Four places you’d rather be:

1. Home
2. Hawaii
3. Monterrey Bay
4. On a cruise

Four albums you can’t live without: (Only 4??)

1. White Album
2. "Mo Tab's" Consider the Lilies of the Field.
3. Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack
4. Mozart CD.

Baby update: Mixed news

So I had a "level 2" ultrasound today. The baby is laying sideways in my body. Its head is tucked deep into my right hip. Notice I said its. While it MAY be a girl, because of how the baby is laying and keeping its legs tight together, the perinatologist is not sure. It might be a girl, he could not get a clear shot, but may have seen labia. I have decided that it must be a girl, because it is already acting obstinate and drawing out the drama by not cooperating.

As I have said this baby is being a pain in the ass, literally. (see my sciatic post for more info). The baby is deciding to lay all screwy and not cooperate with the pictures. They could not really get a good look at the baby's spine. The baby is now measuring 16 weeks 5 days, when I am 18 weeks today. The doctor felt this could be because of bad measurements or because of bad angles. He was not too concerned about this. Since we could not get a clear look at the spine, he could not rule out spina bifida. However in the OK shot he saw of the brain, he did not see a defect in the cerebellum that is almost always present with spina bifida. He could not get that great of a look at the brain, because my right hip was in the way. (kind of need that) We tried having me lay on my side, with no luck. He said he is cautiously optimistic about a positive result for the baby. The heart looks good. The heart rate is good as well. The placenta is posterior on my uterus, but the tech said that is OK. The umbilical cord is good as well. 2 arteries, 1 vein.

So another concern other than the non-view of the spine and the small growth, is that there is a close to low level of amniotic fluid. No way to fix this, I asked if I drank tons and gave up Diet Coke if this would fix this and he said no. He also said this is not caused by my stressful job from hell.

So now we wait. I go for my regular check up next Thursday, and then go back to the perinatologist the Friday after that (on February 3). If the baby is at the same slow rate of growth, then the baby will just be a smaller baby, and nothing to worry about. If the growth has slowed down....

Another reassuring factor (according to the doctor) is that my Alpha Fetal protein levels were off the charts. Usually there is a range for intestinal disorders, and a different range for spinal bifida. I am WAY above those levels. This may be related to the early bleeding I had in my pregnancy. If he can't rule in something, we may never know what the cause was.

So that is the news. Wait and see and pray.

I already love this little one and so want everything to be ok. If things are not ok, I know that I will have help from the Lord to deal with this, and it happened for a reason.

Oh, I meet with my boss from hell tomorrow at 1. Should be a BLAST!! Wish me luck on that one.

Hallelujah

The doctor's appointment for my mom yesterday went very well. The specialist felt there was no cause for concern about the findings on the MRI and Bone scan. He seriously stated there was a 99.9% chance it was NOT cancer. The bone structure and wall is intact. He thinks her red bone marrow cells are distributed out of the ordinary, but nothing to worry about or get concerned. He did not even feel then need for a biopsy.

What a change from Friday, when there was a tumor and she needed to go see the oncologist, who is coming in early, first thing on Tuesday. (Monday was a holiday.)

So I go tomorrow for the ultrasound to get the baby concerns cleared up. I may have felt the baby move, I'm not sure.

More prayers needed here.

Another short post. I currently hate advanced medical technology. Without advanced medical technology, we would have no idea any of our current medical trials are going on. (I know we need to know, but I'm currently blaming this all on the testing.)

My mom was susposed to have ACL (knee) repair surgery on Friday. The cancled it. The MRI and bone scan show a tumor. Likely cancer, but not know. I'm going with her tomorrow to see the orthepedic oncologist. He is coming in early to see her tomorrow so that is not a good sign.

I'll post more when I know more.

Prayers for my mom and for any blessings the Lord could send our way would be good. May I just say that Thursday and Friday were some pretty stressful days.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr I am posting the text to his most famous speech, the "I have a Dream" speech given on August 28, 1963 at the Lincoln Memorial. For audio of this speech click here . He was not a perfect man, however his work did so much to help all those oppressed by the government at that time.

I chose this speech because my mom made us memorize parts of it as we were growing up. She also got a button with a picture of Martin Luther King, Jr on it, with "I have a dream" posted around the picture. She pinned this button into the sun shade in her mini-van, and I saw it there for years. She took it down when she sold the car. It's just one of those things that stick in my memory.

From a PBS documentary yesterday, I learned he was against the Vietnam War. If he was against the Vietnam war, what would he think of our current war? Although current political sentiment is that if you are against the war, you are not a patriot, this gives me another stone in my foundation that this war is not the correct thing to have been started. (Again, I'm not anti-soldier or even anti-war, I have serious concerns about the current conflict in Iraq.)

Begin speech:
I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatics a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizer drug of gradualist. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negroes legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."¹

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!
And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.
Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.
Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.
Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.
Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.
But not only that:
Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.
Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.
Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.
From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Chilling out

After the nice worrying and stress about that test yesterday, I have some reasons to try to relax.

1. My mom had the same test come up positive with my sister Britney. However, this test was still very new at the time, and doctors thought it was 100% accurate. The doctor told my mom to get an immediate abortion. She went and got a second opinion at USC medical center, and they said things were fine. Britney is healthy and normal, including the fact that she is a sophomore in college and a real flake.
2. I told my mom during a break in a meeting. Then I left. She mentioned this to the people there, and 5 other women at that table all tested positive, with no birth defects or problems with their babies. One woman, who just had a baby, said her doctor would not let her have the test.
3. After googling this, I've learned several things. This test has a SUPER high false positive rate. Somewhere between 1 in 16 and 1 in 33 positives turn out to be something. One journal I read about this said that the major side effect of this test is unnecessary stress and worry.
4. If your doctor forgot to tell you to take folic acid, and you end up with a neural tube defect, there are PLENTY of lawyers out there to help you sue. How sue happy are we?
5. 2 co-workers had this test positive and their babies were fine as well.

So my plan while I wait for the ultrasound next Thursday is to relax, try to think positive, and pray. I will pray that everything is OK, and that the test is just one of many false positives. If not, there will be more prayer, planning, googling, and education my way.

The one bright spot is that this means I get the Level 2 ultrasound sooner and should know this kids gender in a less than a week.

The massage did help. On a 1-10 pain scale (10 is the highest) I went from constant pain at a 7 with spikes to 10, down to constant pain at 4 to spikes to 7. I still hurt but I feel better. What I really need now is to be able to shave my legs so I can go swimming, something which should also help this pain.

Needing prayers

This is a short post. If you believe in prayer, I am asking for you to pray for my baby.

My triple screen test came back high for a neural tube defect. My doctor is not worried, but of course I am. I have the test results here, and I am so very worried.

I go see the radiologist next Thursday for the in depth ultrasound. I am praying that this test is one of the 9 out of 10 false positives that this test gives. I'll keep you all updated.

Thank you for your prayers.

I want a new boss.

A couple of days ago, I posted about being burnt out at my job. Well, the burnout remains, but new emotions have risen. I am angry and pissed. (Which I think are different emotions.)

As you may have gathered I have a rather anal and nit-picky supervisor. Things have gotten increasingly worse in the last couple of months. They exploded yesterday. See, every month on the 10th my logs for the previous month are due. I’ve had a REALLY hard time concentrating on ANYTHING, much less boring typing, with the sciatic nerve pain. (Going for a massage tonight.) I know I should stop whining about this, but this REALLY hurts.

Back to the logs. I got some of them done last week. I was approved for “flex time” over the weekend to work on these. However, because of my sciatic nerve pain, the last thing I wanted to do on a weekend was type on my PDA. So I rested and tried to take it really easy rather than drain myself some more for these damn logs.

So Monday I got some done, and I was well and good working on them on Tuesday. I worked really late that night, I even skipped Commander in Chief to get them done. Usually the computers go down at midnight, however, they crashed on me at 11:30. When it crashed, I lost a whole month’s worth of logs on my very last case. Had I gotten to save them, I would have been fine. I emailed my supervisor to let her know of the problem.

So I got home from work about midnight. I could not sleep because I was very upset about not getting my logs in because I have been getting ass chewing’s about getting them in on the 10th.

So I can’t sleep, and I get up really early for me. I arrive at the office at 6:45 am, and finish up all my logs way before she arrives at 8:30. About 9:30, she comes in all serious. Does she shut my door for the “talk”? Nope, leaves it open for all to hear. She say that policy is that my logs get completed 48 hours after the action occurs, and that the last day of the month is the second due date, and that the 10th is a grace period and all my logs should be done before then. The chance I take by being “lazy and procrastinating” is that something will go wrong and they won’t be done. It was a nice motivational speech. She wanted to know why I did not do them on the weekend. I explained that I was in a lot of pain over the weekend, and did not work on them. I said that had Saturday and Sunday been workdays, I very well might have called in sick. She did say that my logs are done very well and of a high quality. I held it together while she was talking to me, but when she left I broke down and cried.

So, even though my performance plan says they are due by the 10th, and she was not delayed in her reading of my logs, I am damned. I meet with her on next Friday to go over my status on paperwork again, and I am sure I will get a memo of understanding, the first step towards correction and termination. I very well may lose being the lead worker on my team. I also know that because of this one thing, I will get a U on my performance evaluation again, even though getting 11 out of 12 months logs in on time is a 91%. Her standard for Satisfactory on the evaluation is perfection, and I am not there. That should be the exceptional area, not Satisfactory. Oh, we may well be getting merit raises this year, so I can kiss that goodbye as well.

Why do I think I am special and deserve a break? I will explain. My adjusted caseload is to be 15 cases. Foster care cases rank at a 1.25, in home at 1 case. In December, when I have that blasted Christmas project on my shoulders, I received 5 new cases, and three of these were foster care, for an adjusted addition of 5.75 cases. My caseload in December was 22 cases. 18 foster care, 4 in home for an adjusted caseload of 26.5 cases. Compared to the standard of 15 adjusted cases, I was carrying as caseload of equal to 1.76 of what my caseload should be. Meaning that there should almost be another full time employee assigned to my caseload to be at standard. So do I think there should be some understanding on this issue? Yes. Should there be some recognition that I am being expected to do the work in 40 hours that should have 70 weekly hours allotted to it? Yes. Will I work 70 hours a week? Hell no.

I made a decision yesterday. I am getting off of her team. I would like to have this happen within 30 days. I would like for this to occur on my terms, meaning I have found a new job. If not, I will begin the process of getting my supervisor changed. About 7 months ago, another co-worker on my team got his supervisor changed. I don’t know all that happened, but I know that she went after his job. I have applied for a new job, and have started making contacts with people I have worked with in different agencies to make networking and get transferred.

My past supervisor, a woman for whom I have great respect, asked me to think about this from different angles. I thought about when this started, and it really started when I let her know I was pregnant. I also stopped hanging out with her while she smokes, or riding with her in her car, where she also smokes. I am avoiding second hand smoke, and am pregnant. I have gotten snide comments that I am too good to ride with her, or something like that. Two of my other co-workers are having problems with her. One’s problems started when he got a new position. Another was caught in the crossfire between her and the other employee who got his supervisor changed, and she said the problem really started when she got back from maternity. I have been getting great pressure to only be off 6 weeks and to be available by phone during my leave. I’m not willing to do that. Could she have some pregnancy issues of her own? Is this because I am a reminder to her that her smoking is dangerous? Don’t know, don’t care. I am getting off her team before performance review time comes in May/June. I am tired of working for someone whose expectations I cannot meet because she wants perfection, and I cannot give that. I feel I give excellent work, but I cannot give perfection, especially when my caseload is so much higher than it should be. I feel I am being punished for the Christmas effort and for being assigned so many extra cases, something that was beyond my control.

While I was writing this, I have a new worry. My “triple screen” test came back high risk for neural tube birth defects. My doctor said she is not worried, but of course I am freaking out. I go see the radiologist next Thursday.

Bye Bye Wendover

So here in Utah, almost everything related to adulthood is illegal. Gambling for starters. Wendover, Nevada and Mesquite, Nevada are two border town built solely for the Utahans to gamble in. The parking lots are FULL of Utah license plates. I am sure the few Nevada plates are the employees.

I know that Mormons are not supposed to gamble, but I LOVE to play blackjack. I can sit at the cheap table and play for hours. I also love Bingo. I've been dying to wear huge Jackie O sunglasses and try my hand at Texas Hold'em poker. I'm not perfect in the gambling is bad respect yet.

So a couple of my co-workers whom I like are planning a Wendover get away this weekend. I was SO excited to go, I even have a room booked. When I called Vince to tell him it was all set, he asked me about the second hand smoke issues and the baby. He wanted me to call the doctor to check this out.

I do call the doctor and talk to her nurse. Turns out, they do not feel that casinos are the greatest place for an expecting mom to be. She kept saying that they could not say it was safe, even if I went out side between each shuffle. Grrrr.

So I called my super liberal friend, who I was sure would say have a nice time. (You can read her partner's blog here.) Umm, nope. She said she avoided smoke like the plague when pregnant. Their donor has an asthma history, so she was super careful. (if I need to remove this, let me know) She said there was no way she would go into a casino at all when she was pregnant. She talked some sense into me, but I was still not ready to listen. She also offered to baby sit when I have the baby so I can go to Wendover when I'm not pregnant. I'll hold her to that. :)

One of the co-workers I was going to go with did the "my mom smoked and I was fine routine" so I was again thinking of going. Then I googled second hand smoke pregnancy. I found this website which says :

Between 70% and 90% of non-smokers in the American population, children and adults, are regularly exposed to secondhand smoke. It is estimated that only 15%
of cigarette smoke gets inhaled by the smoker. The remaining 85% lingers in the air for everyone to breathe. If a person spends more than two hours in a room where someone is smoking, the nonsmoker inhales the equivalent of four cigarettes.

and...

When a pregnant woman is exposed to secondhand smoke, the nicotine she ingests is passed on to her unborn baby. Women who smoke or are exposed to secondhand smoke during pregnancy:
have a higher rate of miscarriages and stillbirths
have an increased risk of low birth weight infants
have children born
with decreased lung function
have children with greater risk of sudden
infant death syndrome (SIDS)

and....

Ventilation systems and designated smoking sections do not protect patrons from ETS(second hand smoke).

So since there is no way I would EVER smoke 4 cigarettes and I do not want to pass on nicotine to my baby, we are staying home. Parenting begins even before birth, and your life changes to protect and cherish your child before you can hold them. Missing a weekend of fun is no price to pay for exposing my little bean to something it has no say in avoiding. The risks are too high.

I won't be pregnant forever, but what happens now can have lifetime effects. It just is not worth the risk. Anyway, the thought of the 2 hour drive to Wendover in a car sounds like torture, as car seats are a torture device designed by the CIA to use on Al-Qaeda with sciatic nerve problems. This does apply to my Oldsmobile.

Now if someone opened a smoke free casino for all the sinning Mormons.....

Fried Social Worker

Here I am admitting this to the world. I was finally able to admit it yesterday in therapy, but I still need to talk of this.

I am a burnt out social worker. I've been burnt out before, and I am back again. I know I am not alone, as a web site called Fried Social Worker points out. I am so overwhelmed by paperwork and nit picking crap that I want to scream. I have so many deadlines and people putting pressure on me I could just spit. I took on a HUGE project over Christmas, coordinating the Sub for Santa effort. Did I get any help with my overwhelming huge case load, no. Did I get any thanks but nice emails and pats on the back, no. What I got was an ass chewing during the week between Christmas and New Years about everything that is going wrong, how badly my paperwork suffered, and how I might lose my promotion if I don't get this fixed now. Gee thanks for all my hard work. Thanks for making this effort one of the biggest programs ever. Thanks for getting all these gifts for children. Your paperwork is bad, you got behind because you lost focus. No notice of the 50 and 60 hours weeks I worked. None.

It is distressing and depressing to be burnt out again. I HAVE to have this job for the money and health insurance aspects, or I would up and quit. I mean that. I am so sick of working here.

I can't even start on the reviews that we go through here. We just finished one for a federal audit, and I am just disgusted by what the reviewers said. I think there must be a special class of anal and disconnected from the real world for federal child welfare reviewers. I've declared that GWB appointed each and every one of them, which I think explains a lot.

According to the Fried Social worker website some of the causes of burnout are:

1. mismanagement
2. Chronic fear of downsizing (They fired a couple of people just before Christmas.)
3. Office politics
4. lack of appreciation
5. Personal Risk.

I only selected those that apply to me. I also am annoyed by being mandated to be available from 8-5 via a cell phone which is shit. I hate that I have to change my voice mail EVERY day and tell people what I am up to that day. One day I'll be honest and say I'm goofing off online and wasting the day.

On my team, I feel that I am the step child, constantly being compared to the better older brother. I am CONSTANTLY reminded that I have paperwork problems when others don't. I don't know why, maybe it is my only way of expressing my displeasure with my situation and my employer.

I am trying to do better and to get this paperwork crap under control. I am so sick of everything, I know I need a vacation. I could not take any time off during the holidays because of the Christmas project, then I was too behind to to take any time off because of their unrealistic rules for taking annual leave. I needed a break and could not get one.

May I just say, that I believe that Mismanagement is one of the biggest reasons I am burnt out. I could write pages on that issue, but I'll defer at the moment.

I know I am rambling here, but I am miserable at my job, and I am caught in a catch 22. I would LOVE to quit, but I can't. I have to have this job. I can't quit. There is so much more I could say, but I'll write that some other time.

Pregnancy sciatic nerve

My beloved Google has failed me. I am in AGONY with sciatic nerve pain. Basically, I googled pregnancy sciatic nerve and got some explanations, and was told that this is here to stay, until the baby is born. YIKES!!! It hurts SO bad, and it is awful. I sit, it hurts, I get up, it hurts. I stand, it hurts. I sit in my car to drive, it hurts. I dare to press the gas or break pedal, it is awful. (Yes, this is my right leg involved.) The pain starts at my mid butt and goes clear to the instep of my foot. Seriously, this is awful. I want some SERIOUS pain medication, but am left with lowly Tylenol. Sometimes the pain is a dull ache, sometimes, it is a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale.

Why I am claiming the great and powerful Google abandoned me? Because I hoped to find some magic, quick fix cure. There is none. Basically, it is what my doctor’s nurse said when I called. Tylenol 1000 mg, every 4 hours. Try hot and cool packs. Do stretches. I did the aforementioned stretches in my office and ended up stranded on the floor, and had to yell for help. The sites do talk about chiropractic and acupuncture care. They also mention massage care. Honestly, at this point, after a VERY painful and unproductive weekend, if someone were to say that dying my hair blue would help, I’d probably give it a try. I’m looking into finding practitioners here in Davis County that do this, and are knowledgeable about pregnancy.

Really, I felt like a complete bum this weekend. The only pain free position, (with the exception of my instep, which always hurt) was lying on my side in bed. I did very little, but what I did hurt.

I think what started this was on Friday night, I decided that I had to get Christmas put away. So we got it all packed up and put in the closet. I did a lot of heavy lifting, even though Vince kept telling me not to. I guess I wanted to prove that I am still a functioning adult and capable of managing work. I work up with this on Saturday, and am paying for my ignoring of my limitations.

See, the thing is, I barely show. I can look not pregnant if I dress right. I think all the excess weight still on me is hiding the baby. So since I don’t look pregnant, I should be able to do whatever I want to right? I don’t want people to think I am taking advantage of being pregnant as an excuse to lie around and be lazy, so I overdo it.

I guess this is one more way my body is telling me I am overdoing it. I just don’t want to listen, and am paying for it now.
Anyone with a sciatic nerve pain relief technique, please post it.

Is this really support?

So another place I waste time online when I should be working is an Army Wives Support web site. Often someone posts that they miss their spouse, fiance, boyfriend, whatever. They may post that they are having a hard time with the separation or worry about him. It seems that whenever someone posts this, or if the nasty posters think this person has complained too much, well they get jumped all over on. One of the sayings they use is "truck up and drive on" or you knew this was part of the military deal. Others say the women are weak or whining. Whenever I catch this, I try to lend extra support to the original poster, and I jump all over those that are telling the woman to stop whining, her husband is only in school, hers is in Baghdad or "At least he can call" or "Remember how it was in the last Gulf War, or think about how horrible communication was in WWII."

When Vince was gone for training last summer, I had a BAD night missing him. I was very lonely and overwhelmed. I missed my husband and I wanted to hug him. So I posted this. I got many supportive and wonderful comments, and I got jumped all over by the nasty crowd. I got told he was just in training, so I don't have the right to worry. HOWEVER, some of my most supportive comments and new internet friends were wives whose significant other WAS deployed. (Hi Danielle!) This seems to be a thread common on military spouses support boards.

So yesterday, someone posted that a poster on another board got attacked for doing something similar. Here is her Post:

First of all, before I start spilling my beans, I'd like to say that everything I'm about to vent about has nothing to do with this support forum, but another one that I also visit every once in a while, so I hope I don't offend anyone on armywives.com. So, I'm reading this post today from a girl fairly new to the Army life and such. Her husband is in the Army Reserves and he hasn't been home for quite some time because his unit got called up to help with all the hurricanes down in the south. She's never experienced a long period of time away from him before and she was just looking for some support and wanting to talk about it to make her feel better. She stated specifically in her post that she hoped that she didn't offend anyone because she knew it could be a lot worse, especially with all of the Soldiers currently deployed overseas and in a lot worse conditions than what her husband is in, so she apologized in advance for anyone that may feel offended.

In any case, a bunch of people started jumping all over her because of her post, telling her that she was so inconsiderate for even posting that, knowing that there were so many others in more horrible conditions all around the world. Now, that being said, I thought that a "support" forum was for that, to get needed "support." This girl was so depressed and upset, she was hoping to get some advice to help her with her feelings and in the end, she ended up feeling 10 times worse. I really don't think it matters which support forum she should go to, her husband is in the Army regardless and she should have the right to state her feelings without getting all jumped on for the way she feels. I thought that all of us Army women were supposed to stick together to get through the hard times, no matter where in the world our men and women are deployed. Regardless, the fact of the matter is that some of the Soldiers, like mine, are in not-so-good conditions while there are others that are more fortunate and are not, but they are all doing their jobs. They have no control over where they end up; they go where they are told to go, period! Therefore, I don't think it's right of them to sit there and lecture her about what she should and shouldn't be posting. Some of the women on there are a lot more experienced in the deployment and separation aspect of Army life while some are not and that's why she posted that, to get help with how she was feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I just think they could have went about posting how pissed off they were a different way. Anyway, I guess I could keep going on and on about this issue, and if some of you disagree with me, that's fine, but please don't make this into a debate as that's not what I'm intending here. I'm simply just wanting to get out my feelings on what I saw transpired on the other site. Oh, I feel better now!

So after her post, several people posted for the picked on person to come on over, and get some support. Then this post arrived....

While I understand what you are writing, I am going to put another spin on it for you. I do get upset when I hear a spouse complaining about a short-term deployment. Why? Not just because others have it worse, although many times that is the case and some should think of their audience before complaining. The main reason I usually say something to the affect of, "suck it up and drive on" is because the Army is a tough life for a family. And, if you don't start out in
the mindset that deployments and separations are part of this lifestyle, then you will be miserable the whole time your spouse is in the military. Yes, we could all bitch and moan about separations...and everyone has their days when it finally gets to them; however, it's imperative at this point that a spouse looks outward instead of inward. When I start feeling this way (and this week is one of those times...when everyone in the house is sick), I think about my DH, who
is away from his family, friends, and everything that he knows as being good in this world. Do I have a right to be sad and depressed? Sure....but those are such negative emotions that I am not going to spend a year or more of my life in that state. What good does it do anyone? So...should we be supportive of those who come to a website looking for a shoulder to lean on? Sure...but we also owe them the courtesy of being truthful about how we see things, as well.

So, after that SO Supportive post, I had it. Here is what I wrote.

I am SO SICK of this attitude. Suck it up and drive on is WORTHLESS to someone who is lonely, scared and alone. They need to be listened to and told they can get through this. It appears that the woman in question DID think about her audience. So we need to start a board for people who's spouses are only gone on short term deployments? How about another one for people's spouses gone to BCT AIT or OCS? Or spouses who are gone for a really long time, but are not in a lot of danger, say posted in LA or Kuwait. I mean come on. Whenever they are gone, it is harder on the spouse. It seems our cars ALWAYS break down on the weekend that DH has drill, and I have to deal with it by myself.

You can mentally KNOW that separations are part of the lifestyle, and you can mentally prepare, but emotionally things can be different. It's like knowing that a loved ones death ends their pain and suffering, but you still miss them and grieve. To a different extent, it is the same idea. The mind KNOWS something, but the heart FAILS to get the message.

When DH was gone for training, some of the most supportive and helpful people were ones whose spouses are in Iraq. They were able to listen and give me coping techniques that worked. I listened to them. I got through it, and know I can do it again, and for longer when I have to. I posted about him being gone when I was very low about him being gone, and I got the "I'm worse off attitude", "At least he is not deployed," blah blah stuff. Yes these are all true, but at that moment, I was lonely and worried for DH. EVERY separation has its own individual stresses and trials. I did get some wonderful support, but the less than supportive posts made me wonder if there was something wrong of me, or if I was not made for this. I have learned that I am made for this, I can do this, but it sucks and will be hard when he is gone.

There are those whose relationships are tailor made for separations. My friend's relationship with her DH is one of those. They live fairly independent lives. There are those whose relationships are not made for this, and it is a huge adjustment. Does this make them weak, crappy army wives, or whiners? No, it just is different and they need to know they can adjust and be OK. Some of us were not raised military, so the first time we know separations are in our own marriages. Nothing in my life prepared me for this, other than reading books on it and what I have learned from other women on here. Had I not asked, I would not have learned. So while telling someone that this is what they signed up for and get over it may be useful to some, I would just ask that those with that attitude leave those that are hurting alone. I know of SEVERAL present and former members who have been jumped on.

OP, I would tell her to come on over. I will listen to her and not judge. (Did not mean to thread jack, but that post just irked me.)

Now, may I just say, that the person I am responding to, is often a downer person, and has no tolerance for weakness in anyone else. She is one who ripped on me. Honestly, I think she has her OWN issues to deal with about being a military spouse, namely that she hates it, and rather than do something about it, would rather try to make everyone else miserable too.

She did respond to me.... I have not come up with my response yet.
Here is her response....

Yeah...and whining gets you what??? I'm not saying you can't have a bad day and that it can't suck. I'm saying you can make a choice in how you are going to handle situations. You can CHOOSE to be miserable or you can CHOOSE to make the best of it. Whine if you want...I find it completely unproductive....and in the long run detrimental to my mental health.

My response will be something along the lines of if she does not like the topic on that thread, to move on and leave others alone.

So if you read this far and can understand my meandering blog entry, am I right? Or am I a wuss? Is her "truck up and drive on" attitude a better coping technique than acknowledging and dealing with your emotions? For my 3 readers, and I know there are more out there, comments on this so I get others points of view would be great.

What BUSH stands for...

So I stole this from Carrot Top the annoying red headed comedian whom I find hilarious. He did those 1-800-Call ATT ads. He was on the Tonight Show last night....

Bush stands for....

B = Being
U = Under
S = Surveillance
H = Heavily

It made me laugh. But is this funny? Or is it too true and scary? You decide.

New Years Resolutions?

I swear, I will do better at writing here. I have people who come every day, and I have written nothing new for them to read. I have tons to write about every day, and fail to write any thing.

Taking a page from Faith I will write a list of new years resolutions I will actually be able to keep:

1) I will spend too much at the following stores: Costco, Barnes and Noble, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and Target.
2) I will continue to be conflicted about Wal-Mart, and then go shopping there.
3) I will waste time at my job online.
4) I will get behind on my paperwork at work.
5) I will throw up regularly (having pretty bad morning sickness here)
6) I will stay up late and sleep in.
7) I will drive too fast and pass on the right.
8) I will obsess about buying a super expensive heavily marketed as being super safe car seat over a likely just as safe, but affordable one.
9) My car and office will be a mess.
10) I will eat out too much.
11) I will re-read great books over and over.
12) I will buy Harry Potter on DVD when it comes out.
13) I will resist the urge to write to JK Rowling and tell her to hurry it up already with book 7.
14) I will write in my blog more regularly.
15) I will continue to get bi-weekly waxing done.
16) I will continue to struggle with balancing work and home.


So there is my list. Pretty straight forward, huh. I am so drained about my job right now, I could scream. I need to write about that, so I will, but not on the work computer. (Or maybe I will write it on Word, and then post it from home.) J

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Made up lives.....

So I stole this from Trista's blog so here goes.....

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL MEMORY OF YOU AND ME.It can be anything you want--good or bad--BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.


Oh, for fun, type failure into a google search and click on I'm feeling lucky. Have a laugh. Miserable failure used to work as well. You used to be able to search for the weapons of mass destruction on google, and get a made up Microsoft error window, which lead to a book of poerty written by Ashcroft.

I miss my car.

So, I know I have been a real lazy bones and not updated this forever. So am I writing an earth shattering piece, ummm, no. Rather, I will whine.

So, DH's car broke down on Friday. Saturday and Sunday, he had drill. Because I had NO desire to drive to Salt Lake and back, he had the car. So I had no car for the weekend. Monday night, we get his car towed to the shop. I'm now bumming rides from co-workers. I'm grateful to them. I so miss the freedom of controlling my own transportation. The other day, I had a state car, and I reveled in the freedom of being able to stop at a gas station and buy a soda.

Why do I not have a car, and DH has my car? Because he has to be at school at 5:45 am, and I don't want to drive to Weber to take him there, and then pick him up when tutoring is done at 8:30 ish.

So far, it has been an exhaust problem, and we are only in for about $250, much cheaper than I expected. The Ford Contour has not one, not two, but THREE catalytic converters, and the rear one plugged up so bad, that no exhaust was getting to the muffler. WOW. No wonder the car refused to go, and made a horrible hissing noise when the gas was pushed.

So I feel quite caged and restricted. I miss my car. Yesterday, DH came home and I drove it to a church thing. Not only is my car now full of his crap, he changed all my radio presets. GRRRRR. Not very happy about that one at all. Oh, and he got mud all over my car as well.

Tuesday, after he was done with tutoring at about 8:30pm, he was susposed to stop and get me dinner. Now, there is really no food in my house (or at least none I want to eat) because I have not been able to go to the store, as I have no car. So he was getting me Noodles and Co. He calls me from the Game Stop next door, and starts placing a Christmas wish list. I not very sweetly reminded him that his pregnant wife was at home starving, and he was video game shopping????

So, I'm slightly fed up with this no car thing. I really want my car back. Hopefully his car will be done tonight.

And to top off this lovely day, I left my cell phone at home. I know no ones phone numbers. I had to ask HR what my mom's cell # is (she is an emergency contact) as I have NO idea what her number is. I usually push and hold 3, and it magically dials her.

I just REALLY want my car back.