Update

I am so sorry for the crappy job I have been doing updating my blog. Basically my old computer is a POS and keeps crashing. I have written a couple of updates, but they just get eaten. Or.... Blogger says my cookies are disabled because of memory problems. So here is the update, I am sorry for the silence.

1. I'm still pregnant. I'm 32 weeks, 5 days. Thursday is 33 weeks.
2. I have twice weekly Non stress tests, and a weekly appointment with either the OB or a specialist. I had the steroid shots weeks ago.
3. She is looking ok right now. She is about 3.5 weeks behind in her development. Her head is only a half week behind, which is nothing. Her abdomen is 3 weeks behind, and her femur is 6 weeks behind. I am joking I am having a troll doll, with the big head and tiny legs. The good thing about that is we can assume that her brain is on track developmentally.
4. Still SICK of the bed rest. I am re-reading the Harry Potter series. Up to book 5 now. I have discovered that my OB is a huge Harry Potter fan as well, and we had a chat about Snape and Dumbledore. (I don't want to spoil book 6 for anyone who has not read it.) She and I are in disagreement on the issue BTW. I was reading book 5 during my NST.
5. I will likely deliver by planned c-section in week 34 or 35. Because of the concerns of placental failure or abruption, we will be delivering early. About week 35 the risks of these life threatening complications becomes astronomical. They are pretty high right now.
6. My mom is driving me CRAZY!!!!! I can stand up to my husband, his mother, my boss, my boss's boss, judges, attorneys, child abusing pyschos, Qwest, the rude clerk at the grocery store, but not her. I am just going into scared teenager mode with her. Any one else out there with a controlling mom?
7. Hopefully I will purchase a new computer soon, and will trash this POS.
8. My PDA also refuses to connect to my wireless network, so unless I'm willing to sit in our office chair, also known as a CIA torture device, I'm not online much.
9. I hate OPRAH and Martha. They are SO preachy. Maury with his paternity questions, that is quality entertainment.
10. I still don't show. With my doctor's permission, I went nursing bra shopping today. The clerk wanted to know how long I was nursing. I bought a stroller car seat combo. I was asked if they are a gift. I'm not being vain. This is a painful issue for me. I just look fat, and I am 8 months pregnant, damn it. I show if I sit down, or if my belly is showing for a test or something like that. If ONE more person tells me how good I look, I'll scream. A pregnant woman is not supposed to look thin.
11. The tabloids (a personal secret hobby of mine) are ruined because of this. Freaking Angelina is running all over Africa helping starving children while I lay in bed. Katie Holmes was shoe shopping for $500 shoes the day before she delivered. Both women show, and looked ready to pop. I can still wear non maternity shirts and pants with a soft waist band.

All in all, I am very lucky. She is still cooking, and they have been worried about her coming for 10 weeks now. I have had good medical care, and am at peace with what is going on. I just had to whine a little.

A small little girl is kicking my bladder now, so I need to log off. Thanks to everyone who checked for an update.

Chat about my mom.....

Been having problems with my mom. I chated with Danielle about this, and here it is. I even left the spelling errors intact.


WendyLou says:
I know you are away, but my blog is down, and I need to vent about my mom.'
WendyLou says:
Anyway, she has been getting VERY pushy lately. I am a strong person, with my own will, why am i just caving to her, I don't know.
WendyLou says:
After lecturing me for about half an hour with the sun in my face, for which I got a sunburn about how to have a successful marraige and bring home the baby and not destroy it, she then drops the bomb that I know. Vince is gone the whole month of July. I had planned to have the whole month off, but because of the bed rest, I won't. Oh BTW, Her marraige was a stunning success. Let me tell you.
WendyLou says:
Anyway, basically, I should stop expecting Vince to do ANYTHING aound the house, and the baby is mostly my responsibility until she gets interesting. I should not expect him to RST the drill the weekend after we think she will be born. I should not expect him to pick up the damn living room or get up with the baby too much? Why the hell am I married then, for the sex???????
WendyLou says:
Anyway, she is bashing my MIL because when my MIL was over here under extreme exaustion, she questioned my choice of diapers. She says my MIL is bossy and controling. HA!!!!!! Pot calling kettle black. I did point out to her that both she and I are pretty bossy. She said she will not undermine my being a mom.
WendyLou says:
No, her grand plan for the month that Vince is gone and I have to work full time and have a premie/ 3 month old is to basically move into her home. LOVELY, I get to add a 45 cmmute minute to all this stress, rather than a 5 minute one. WTF is she not moving in with me?
WendyLou says:
MY MIL works graves, and has offered to stay at my house during the day while she sleeps. Then my mom asks what I would feel if she got rough with my baby.... UMMM the same thing I would feel if anyone got rough wiht my baby, Get your damn hands off of her.
WendyLou says:
So seriously, I feel trapped between 2 controlling women, one admits it and one is in complete denial about her controling. Problem is, I need help, I can't do this alone, and I can't handle a 2 month old with no help while Vince is gone, and I'm a mess.
Lady Magus says:
hey, i'm here, gimme a sec to catch up
Lady Magus says:
wowzers woman
WendyLou says:
My mom feels that my MIL will take advantage of my being upset because Vince is gone, and run all over me. My mom is taking advantage of my being vunerable because I am worried about the baby and running all over me. Oh, I should also maybe consider not having Vince come to all the appointments. She seems to forget that he has not been to many lately because of school.
WendyLou says:
K, so I'm just screwed, right.
Lady Magus says:
not at all
WendyLou says:
I just needed to get it out, away or not.
Lady Magus says:
you're fine
WendyLou says:
I could have JUST screamed at her.
WendyLou says:
I'm currently hiding from her online.
Lady Magus says:
here is what i would do, k?
WendyLou says:
K
Lady Magus says:
consider: do you want help from the grandma that is willing to help in a way that benefits HER, or the one that benefits YOU? (ie, in your home or somewhere else you don't want to be)
Lady Magus says:
second, you don't HAVE to let either help with this
Lady Magus says:
i am positive you can find a really good person with no kids to come be a nanny for a month
WendyLou says:
Never thought of that....
Lady Magus says:
next, don't fight with your mom... either hang up if it's on the phone or walk away, saying as you do so, "this is not your life, please let me live it"
WendyLou says:
We did not fight... I just sat there like I was 16, and if I said something wrong, she would take away my car.
WendyLou says:
See, I think she wants to be helpful, I just think she has NO idea how she is coming off.
Lady Magus says:
well, then tell her, mom i am a grown woman and i would appreciate it if you treated me as such
WendyLou says:
I own my damn car. If she took it away, that would be grand theft auto. I am just falling back into teenager mode with her.
Lady Magus says:
lol
WendyLou says:
How do I set boundries with her?
Lady Magus says:
i understand, truly, hardest thing i have ever done is tell my dad he can't control me
Lady Magus says:
hmmm
Lady Magus says:
tell her straight up when she says or does something that hurts
WendyLou says:
I know. I had done very well with this untill the baby.
WendyLou says:
This is her first grandchild.
Lady Magus says:
how does Vince feel about all this?
WendyLou says:
Oh... I could get going on how she thinks Vince cannot handle Sydney in the NICU after birth. She wants me to fight a battle so that someone(read her) can be with the baby right after birth, but I should follow the rules about my having to be able to sit up in a wheelchair to see her, about 10 hours after her birth.
Lady Magus says:
it is a privilege in being a parent to be the first one there
Lady Magus says:
she needs to realize that
Lady Magus says:
Vince may do like Randy and be an absolute rock and get you through it, in fact, i bet he wil
Lady Magus says:
she needs to have more faith in him as a father
WendyLou says:
He does not know about the talk I got today. I don;t know how to tell him.., Gee my mom thinks you can't handle this baby stuff. She said that she will keep the stuff for her in the NICU because Vince is bad at agthering stuff. I told her, actually, give him a good list and a general area of the item, and he will do just fine.
Lady Magus says:
remind her HE is the parent, good grief, i am so sorry
WendyLou says:
I think he will be the rock. I told him of her NICU concerns, and he pointed out that she was all supportive of him re-enlisting even though we KNOW there will be a deployment where he will see combat. He asked how he could be strong enought to kill and watch his buddies be killed, but not be there to support his baby daughter.
Lady Magus says:
can i suggest something?
WendyLou says:
I am discussing that one with my doctor5. I have no problem with Vince holding her, but I want to be the first to hold her.
WendyLou says:
Sure, I need help.
Lady Magus says:
it sounds to me like she is causing you a lot of stress and i doubt it will get better when the time comes. let me tell you, Sydney's birth will be stressful, the first few days will be scary, and the LAST thing you need is someone hanging out that causes more stress. i told Randy's aunt (who was being much like your mom) that she was NOT to come to the hospital, because things were already hard
Lady Magus says:
i am crying at the memory, but DON'T THINK SHE HAS TO BE THERE if it will stress you out! she is your mother, but she is NOT Sydney's
WendyLou says:
I think that would start world war 3. Good thought though. I have to think about that one.
Lady Magus says:
let her be mad, because believe me, extra stress on that day can HURT you AND Sydney
WendyLou says:
When I had my lap she was there and was really pushy, about getting up and coughing and the like, and I told her to F off. I said the word, not just f. I blamed it on the anesthia.
Lady Magus says:
oh no!
Lady Magus says:
i am lol though
WendyLou says:
My friend has offered to come run interfearance.
WendyLou says:
It felt good, and honestly, I was awake enough to not say it.
WendyLou says:
It just galls me that she has plans to see my baby before I can. I don't want Sydeny to be all alone, but damn it, I'm this kids's MOM.
Lady Magus says:
Wendy, a birth is about love and life and should be peaceful. she won't be alone, you will be able to see her after recovery
Lady Magus says:
and VInce can be with her too if he's still here
WendyLou says:
The social worker said mom's can't go to the NICU until they can sit up from the csection. But that was an intern, who know what the real social worker would say.
Lady Magus says:
i had c-sections and with Julia, i was in a wheelchair within an hour
WendyLou says:
There is NO way in hell she would be in there when I am giving birth. Even if this was normal, No way.
WendyLou says:
How? I was told 10 hours.
Lady Magus says:
nope
Lady Magus says:
i went to recovery, i woke up, they told me what was going on, and i went
Lady Magus says:
i don't remember it though
WendyLou says:
I have discussed the MOM issue with my doc, and she has already agreed wrote in my chart only one person allowed in there. My mom wanted to be there in the c section, but the hospital rules are strict there, thank God. I know she is excited, but I just stressed out.
WendyLou says:
I'm having a planned one, so I should be awake. My co-worker said she remembers everything that happened in her awake C-section.
Lady Magus says:
i was knocked out because we were in trouble
WendyLou says:
I am sure if this was not a planned one... I'd end up that way.
WendyLou says:
Vince just got home after failing a final. I need to pay attention to him. Thank you for listening.I will think about all this. I envy my sisters because I will have fought this battle for them as well as countless others.
WendyLou says:
So before my hotmail crashed, I saw an email about Randy coming home. Do you have a date?
Lady Magus says:
between June 17 and 23 they should be in Cedar
WendyLou says:
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lady Magus says:
yep
WendyLou says:
Are you going to drive down?
Lady Magus says:
oh yeah!!! they are putting us up for a couple nights
Lady Magus says:
i gotta go, sis having heart trouble, talk later

Bed rest is boring

So I'm still at home, on bed rest. May I say, I am BORED!!!!! I had to turn the laptop back into work, my PDA won't connect to my wireless network for shit, and our ancient desktop is less than portable and has a really uncomfortable desk chair in front of it. So I've been online a lot less. Vince's bonus should come soon, and we are buying a laptop, paying off the IRS, buying a camcorder, and making a large payment to MBNA with it. Can't wait. He re-upped in the Army for 6 years to get it, but since he was going to do that anyway, I'll take the money.

So I've been mostly compliant with the bed rest stuff. I'm sitting up now, but I've been on my side most of the day today. I'm not going anywhere tonight, so I can keep behaving. Yesterday, I went to Ogden to get my eyebrows (and other areas) waxed. I was growing a uni-brow. Funny, I was stuck in traffic, and I really did not mind (too much) because it was a wonderful sunny day and I was out among people doing normal things, such as waiting in traffic. You know you are bored when traffic is nice.

I just don't think that we understand how much of our interactions with people we get from being outside the home. I miss talking to my co-workers. I miss talking with clients. I miss the mental challenge of dealing with my clients who manipulate and are less than honest. I believe I would feel different if Sydney were here and I could talk to her, but she's (Thankfully) still growing and kicking.

So that is what I'm doing. I'm bored and on bed rest. At least I'm not in the hospital.

Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts, candles, etc. I feel the strength and am buoyed up by them. I am very at peace at what will happen. I feel this will all come out as it should. I go see Dr. Calm, my OB tomorrow. I'll tell you what she says.

Good News.....

Dah Dah Dah....

I'm still home. No hospital today for me. Yipee. I am home on bed rest, but I am not in the hospital! I am allowed to move about my home, and other such things, but I am to spend most of my day on my side. The other good news is that Sydney is growing, and her cord flow is improving, meaning all this side laying is working. I go see her again next week, and then the perinatologist the week after. Hopefully we will be back on the weekly visit routine. I am getting sick of medical appointments. So far, no steroids yet. Maybe next week. I am allowed to drive, and occasionally go out to eat. All good news!

Rather than a third exam ultrasound this week, Dr. Calm took a really cool 3-D picture of Sydney. As usual, Sydney wanted no part of cooperating with this. We saw a really cute picture of her appearing to lick her hand. We got a nice picture of her profile. She has a little button nose.

All in all, this was a rather pleasant doctor visit, which is a NICE change from the other visits we have had. Sydney's hear beat was good. She moved constantly. So I'm at home, but I'm not confined. I can shower, drive, make my own meals, go downstairs. Oh, I'm also off pelvic rest! Yeah! Do a little Dance, Make a little Love, get down to night!

She is still behind, but she is looking good. Things are looking up.

Where we are today...

Went for the second opinion today. Frankly, I can see why Trista calls her Dr. Blue Eyes, because her eyes are a pale blue, with a dark ring around them.

After waiting an hour for the ultrasound, I finally get in. The tech had an attitude, and I thought was a bit rough. Sydney was not cooperating, as usual, and the tech kept jiggling the probe up and down. I've tried other things before, but for some reason this just struck me as rough.

So here is where we are. I am 25 weeks, 5 days. Sydney is measuring 22 weeks, 6 days. There is a margin of error of plus or minus 10 days. Her weight is 515 grams, or lbs, 2 Oz's. Weight is UP!!! She is back on the 11th percentile. Remember normal is 10 and up. Still they are very concerned. There is still a great risk of intrauterine fetal demise. My uterine fluid is again lower than normal. (I think this is a reading problem because she said she had a hard time finding fluid without the cord). The cord blood flow is marginal, but within normal limits.

Dr. Blue Eyes seemed very pessimistic. I think she is a good doctor, and did a good job with the consult. She is really pushing that I get an amino. The reason is that while the assumption that the problems are because of placental insufficiency, there is a risk that this could be because of a chromosomal problem. If Sydney were to have a chromosomal problem incompatible with life, we may take different paths. One of her big concerns about this is that at the current time, it is highly likely I will have a classical Cesarean section. This is a horizontal skin cut, followed by a vertical uterine cut. The uterus thins as the baby grows, and the uterus is likely not thin enough to do the low horizontal cut. The vertical cut means I am Cesarean section for all further deliveries. It also causes risks to future pregnancies. She was really pushing this, but Vince and I needed to talk about this. An amino was a test I had decided I was not going to have, because I would not have an abortion. HOWEVER, if Sydney is not going to live, there is little cause to do an emergency Cesarean with the increased risks to me, and to any future children. Right now, I'm leaning toward having the test. I think Vince is a well.

Dr. Blue Eyes did suggest that we talk with a neonatologist. We ended up waiting until 1pm to see him. We ate crappy Burger King in the cafeteria. Dr. Jeans (he said he was not planning to "doctor" today and apologized for his attire.) was WONDERFUL. He was caring and understanding. He was the first doctor to inquire of her name, and referred to her as Sydney throughout the conversation. That little gesture is SO moving to me. It acknowledged that we are dealing with a person here who is loved and wanted. She is just small, and so far all we see is blurry images on the screen. He explained where we are. He discussed long term options, and what to expect in the short term. He feels I need the steroid shots sooner than later. He was clear in his discussion of the positives and negatives of where we are. He said several times we have reason to hope.

During the consult, he wanted to know our views on heroic measures. He suggested that we get the amnio so we don't put a child not compatible with life through unnecessary and pointless measures. That is really something to think about, and why I am leaning toward the amnio. He did not sugar coat the situation, but he did not give us an entirely dark view. He seemed optimistic, and I loved his attitude. After the rather downer consult with Dr. Blue Eyes, it was what I needed to hear. I'm not going to pretend that he said this was going to be peaches and cream, rather that this is doable, harder than anything we've ever done, but that this is what we have been dealt. He did say the problem with babies under 500 grams or so is they are very difficult to intubate. They only make the tubes so small, and sometimes the tubes don't fit. The road ahead will be very tough for Sydney, Wendy, and Vince.

Vince is really having a hard time with this. He is now worried about the baby and me. Mostly, other than whining about my sciatic pain, I'm not worried about me. He is. He really does not want me to have the classic c-section if there is no chance of positive result. He broke down in the cafeteria over the crappy burgers. He is also sick with a cold.

Before the perinatologist appointment on Thursday, we are touring the hospital and seeing the NICU. So far, my mom etc have been pushing for me to not live at the NICU when Sydney is there. One of the foster mom's I work with had 3 premies. She was in the hospital for most of her last pregnancy. She gave me tips on how to survive the hospital. She also said if I want to live at the NICU, I can. If I need a break, it is OK to go home. Honestly, I kind of felt I needed permission to do what I want and what is good for me, Vince, and Sydney. I might want to live there, and I might need to escape to the movie theater for some escapist entertainment if I'm overwhelmed. I might want to stay there with her, and I might just want to go home and pet my cats and sleep in my bed. I might never want to leave her side, or I likely will need breaks. She told me to call her anytime. Not sure if I will take her up on that, but I will put her cell into my personal PDA.

So that is where we are. The hospital does not have Wi-Fi.... GRRRR. I'm working on figuring out how to have internet access there. I'll work something out. Calling my ISP to see about if my high speed will work in any phone line.

Today was TOUGH. I'm kind of shell shocked. I know Vince is. He is currently watching "The Incredibles" escapist entertainment for him. I'm glad he is getting a break. This has been the hardest thing we have been through, and I thought that his brother's accident and paralysis were hard. However, in that situation, I was not as upset as he was, so one of us could be calmer. We are currently kind of trading who gets to be broken down and who has to be strong. Today was my day to be strong. Yesterday was his day. I am glad that we have a strong foundation of our relationship and marriage to have as a base. I don't know if we were newlyweds if we could survive this. We are taking things one day at a time, and are leaning on each other. I know my mom feels left out, because she wanted to go to the hospital with me for the tour. I just said that Vince is going, and thanked her for offering.

I am sure that she is upset about this, kind of in the same way Vince is. This is happening to her first born, and her first born's first born. I know she loves me, even if she can be really inappropriate at times. I'm TRYING very hard to cut people the slack I would want to have cut to me at this time.

I'm dreading the NICU. A current coping technique I have is anger, defensiveness, and sarcasm. Sometimes it is that or cry. I don't want to be labeled "Bitch" in my chart, but I am worried that I will snap at them, rather than let them see me weak. The total lack of control over ANYTHING is overwhelming. Often clients lash out at me rather than at themselves or someone they love, and that is what I am fearing I will do with the nurses. I don't want to be cruel, but I honestly rather be mean to a nurse than to Vince, my family or friends. I don't have to deal with the nurses in a year, or go home with them. The nurses can make life a living hell for you if they want to, so I'll do my best.

And so it goes

Where we are today....

At my doctor's appointment on Thursday, here is what we learned......

1. Sydney is now measuring 3.5 weeks behind, up from measuring 4 weeks behind. She did grow this last week.
2. Sydney hates ultrasounds. Seriously, they get out the wand, and she really starts moving.
3. I do not have gestational diabetes. My blood pressure (a really big concern) is fine. I am not anemic.
4. My amniotic fluid is normal as well.
5. Cervix is closed.

However, serious concerns exist. Basically, I'm being admitted to the hospital next Thursday, or Friday at the latest. I'll be on a WHOLE lot of monitoring, and even more bed rest. I'm still on partial bed rest this week. I have a week to tie up the lose ends at work. If things go WELL, I hopefully will be in the hospital 6-8 weeks. However, I could have her on Friday, or any time after that. I'm 25 weeks, 2 days today. She is still not 500 grams.

What Dr Calm, my OB says is that the decision to give me the steroid shots is a complicated one. They wear off, and they can't give me another dose when they wear off. She also said that babies born small for gestational weight actually do better in the NICU than correct sized babies, because their systems are already used to stress. When the human body gets stressed, it protects the brain, heart and lungs. We bay be surprised to see her lungs are very developed. There is a protective factor for IUGR babies that is not understood, but it continues to protect their brains.

So Tuesday, I go see Trista's Dr Blue Eyes for a second opinion. Dr. Calm saw me filling out the forms, and I started to feel bad about wanting one. She said that she is from back East, and people do second and third opinions there all the time. She does not know why people here don't do them as often. She did warn me not to be surprised if Doctor Blue Eyes tells me the same information. I told her I won't be, I just want to have another set of eyes on the problem. I am to have Doctor Blue Eyes call Dr Calm on Tuesday. It is likely that Dr Blue Eyes, Dr Calm and Dr Malpractice * will pow wow Thursday. I then see the perinatologist on Thursday. If he does not put me in the hospital on Thursday, Julia will be doing that on Friday when I go see her. She will allow me to have Vince bring my pets to visit me outside the hospital. I also get to decorate my room. I'm thinking spray paint. (joke)

So I told my supervisor this on Friday. I gave her the doctor's note, and will give her the rest of the FMLA paperwork on Monday. She did not seem thrilled. Oh well. I don't give a shit right now. Right now, Sydney needs her mom more than anything. Sydney needs her mom to be taken care of and not stressed. One of my co-workers pointed out, what will matter most in 20 years. The answer is a no-brain-er. I need to rest, be monitored, and be available for Sydney. Nothing else matters. I have 10 weeks of leave right now. I'll earn another before I run out. They passed the FMLA laws for a reason. I feel bad about my cases going to my already overburdened co-workers, but I cannot help that. I did not create the situation where there is a shortage of caseworkers, management did. I removed a kid on Friday, making my caseload 23. Another child on my caseload will likely be removed on Thursday, making my caseload 24. That is a LOT to disperse, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Sydney is more important than much else right now.

I am a bit frustrated with the hospital. I've been trying to arrange a tour for a week now. My call got returned on Friday, and no one called me back. I have a lot of questions for them, which I would like answered. Some of them are...

1. Is there Wi-Fi? If not, how will I have internet access? (I just can't be cut off if I am laying there for weeks.)
2. I'm bringing an Xbox. Do I need to bring the adaptor?
3. What is the food like?
4. Can I leave for a while during the day, or am I here for good?
5. Other assorted hospital questions.

I wish they had called me back.

Also, Vince is frustrating me. I ask him to do something for me, and half an hour later he does it. Example, I asked him to put my favorite XBox game in before he left to run errands. He said that since he just put on lotion, he should wait. I got upset and asked him to just do it. He got all mad and did it, then stomped off. I know he is stressed, but to get me up is a major production. Tables and pillows have to be moved, plus it hurts. Grrrr. He's been like that all day. His mom then my family came over to clean up our home. He was a real bear the whole time. I know he likes his privacy, but we need the help, because he is not doing anything and I can't. I've tried thanking him, being extra nice to him, paying attention to him, letting him watch what he wants, etc, but he is just being really cranky.

Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts, etc. They are helping a lot, and I feel the strength being sent to me.

* While googling VBAC, I came across the fact that the Perinatologist I like the best, is on the board of the largest malpractice insurer for Utah. Oddly, he seemed to be the only perinatologist NOT practicing lawsuit avoidance medicine. I've named him Doctor Malpratice, not because I think he is a bad doctor, but because of his position on a board all about avoiding lawsuits.

Amazing Grace

I have no words to describe my feelings. I was VERY caught off guard by Trista's caring post. I was surprised when I checked my hotmail box ans found comments by people who are regulars to Trista's blog, but have never posted on mine. Took me a bit before I checked her blog and saw her post.

I am amazed at how strangers were so willing to send me positive energy. I have felt the strength this is giving me.

I am currently surviving on the strength that the prayers, lighted candles, positive thoughts, and well wishes being sent Sydney and my way. I feel the strength that the love of strangers, my family, friends, co-workers and the Lord are sending to me.

I'm LDS, and we believe in the laying on of hands. I received a blessing last night, and I am (currently) at peace with the future. The blessing I received was not one where a miracle happens, however I heard what I needed to hear, and I have been blessed. I am doing better trusting the Lord. In the blessings I received sacred promises, which I may post at a later time, but not now.

A very calming aspect of this blessing was the assurance that I am and will continue to receive the best medical care. How grateful I am for this. One of the worries I have been having is that if I change doctors, I'll get a different answer. I WILL continue on with my second opinion, but I have more trust in the perinatologists I'll be seeing. I do not believe that this pregnancy is going to get any easier, in fact, I have the belief that the medical complications will get worse before they get better. I am very sure Sydney is coming early, and will be very sick.

Are my worries gone. NO. However I have more faith that this is happening how it is intended to happen, and that how my pregnancy is progressing is in the hands of the Lord, and is happening according to His plan, not mine. I'm pretty resigned to bed rest, and am just praying that I can continue on the partial bed rest I have been doing. Whatever I have to do, I will do.

Your continued prayers, lighted candles, and positive thoughts will be gratefully appreciated. I happen to believe in a loving God, and that the strength of petitions to that God is not confined to one religion or belief system. I am grateful for all the petitions sent in any manner on my behalf.

Thank You does not cover the depth of my emotions and feelings, but thank all of you. I see my OB tomorrow. I'll update then.

Why I have not updated lately

Hi there....
Well, where to start. I have had an impossible time writing this. I have not updated my blog for some time, because I just cannot write this.

I'm currently 24 weeks, 5 days. When my baby was measured last week, at 24 weeks, she measured 20 weeks, 6 days. She has been on a small growth rate, but her growth had been steady. Her growth has slowed down. They are concerned of poor blood flow from the placenta to the baby. At last measurement, she weighed 440 grams. They want her to get over 600 grams to deliver her. What they are trying to do is leave her in me as long as possible, and deliver her before the placenta fails.

This is VERY scary. When you dream of a pregnancy, this is not what you dream and pray for. I am so grateful she is coming, but honestly I am grieving having a fat healthy baby. I still barely show, and am getting compliments about how great I look. Little do they know that I am small, because my baby is dangerously small.

I'm having a blessing tonight. Frankly, the only thing right now is for me to pray and lay on my side. I'm on partial bed rest. Heavenly Father is in charge, and this is VERY hard for me right now. Until she is bigger, doctors cannot do anything. The hope is that she is bigger next week, and I will get the steroid shots, and help her lungs, because right now we are looking at having a micropremie. I keep thinking of the scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy path." I'm clinging to my belief that if something happens to her, I will still be her mommy, and be able to raise her. I wish there was clarification on what happens to stillborn babies. Been thinking about writing President Hinckley about that one. (I am bored.)

We are trying to cling to the joy of a new life. She has a name, Sydney Jeanne. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent this, but I cannot help but feel very guilty, as if I am being punished for my sins. I don't believe that is the way the Lord works, but I cannot help but think this.

If you could pray for my little one, I would appreciate it. From the miracle of her conception to the spotting at 6 weeks, to the recent Inter-uterine growth restriction diagnosis, this has been a very trying and draining experience. Add to this, the pregnancy is irritating my sciatic nerve, and I am in pain a lot. I have been on weekly visits to either a perinatologist or my OB for 2 months at this point. The specialist last week said if we could get 6 more weeks from this pregnancy, it would be a miracle. I believe in miracles and I believe they still happen every day. I am praying for that miracle so Sydney has a better chance at life.

I have tried about 3 times to post this. I keep stopping and being unable to write this. I have two updates in draft. To speak the words and to write the words have been very hard to do.

Ode to Sciatic Pain

In the spirit of other much more talented poets, here is my attempt at a poem. Emily Dickinson, I am not.

Entitled: Ode to Sciatic Pain.

OHCH.
DAMIT OUCH.
I have never hurt this much before.
I have HOW many weeks to go?
The doctor better not be lying,
or I will be a crying,
that this pain will end with her birth.

Now that I have suffered,
through all this pain,
her teenage years better be a breeze,
because her head is already on my nerves.

The pain, it drains. It stings, it never wanes.
Sometimes I can stand pain free,
but when I sit, OUCHEE.

I want an epidural, right here right now.
Just hook it up for the next 4 months,
so I can pick up the stuff that falls to the floor.

Did I say that this HURTS????
Did I mention I am really tired of the pain?
Did I mention that I want some relief?

I wish I could tie my shoes, shave my legs, paint my toes.
I wish I could sit and type, sleep all night, stop whining of my woes.
I want to walk normal, sit normal, be pain free.
I have learned great sympathy for those who have chronic pain.

I could really, very quickly become a drug addict.
But the doc says no to the lortabs.
See they can cause babies to be small,
she is already small enough.

So I see the chiropractor,
and he waves my leg in the air.
and I pray for relief,
and I pray for strength to bear.

Seriously, what was I thinking?
I keep hoping that this is the worst.
Pain I can tolerate, other worries are worse.
I'll put up with this pain until June,
because this pain means she is in there, alive, and growing everyday.

Politics in Utah

Bad, bad news in the Deseret (desperate) News. Lavar Christensen a real ass and homophobe in Utah, has decided to run against Jim Matheson for federal congress. To read the article click here. Now it really irks the Republicans that Jim is even elected, because he is the SOLE Democrat sent to congress. In 2000, they gerrymandered the districts to try to get rid of him, but somehow he keeps getting elected (which the article explains).

Lavar LOVES to run message bills. Basically he says if you are not strait, you are not welcome. Trista has been talking about him here. Even the article comments about this. Here is that article... My comments about his statements are in italics.

State Rep. LaVar Christensen, R-Draper, made it official Wednesday: He's running against Democratic Rep. Jim Matheson in the 2nd Congressional District this year.

Damn.

LaVar Christensen Two other Republicans — Joe Tucker of Alpine and Chris Lonsberry of Ivins — have announced against Matheson, but Christensen may have the best chance of giving the three-term incumbent a contest. Christensen, who has already raised $185,000 for the race, putting in $150,000 of his own money, said he is too busy with his legislative work to make a big show of an announcement. That will come before he formally files his candidacy.

So what this means is that he has actually raised $35,000, and contributed $150,000 of his own money. See why normal people can't get involved and run? I could contribute about $100 to my campaign.

"I just want people to know of my decision," said Christensen as he passed out a press release to some of the reporters covering the 2006 Legislature. "There is a bright dawn ahead for America," Christensen said in the release. "The Republican vision for our country draws inspiration from our past and offers the promise of a bright future for our children. "Our nation is built on a solid foundation of wisdom and principles that have weathered every storm and spread freedom throughout the world. In Congress, I will work to preserve that heritage."

"Preserving the Heritage" read: Discriminating against GLBT, and non-Christians, and anyone who thinks differently than he does. Ever notice how so much is about "the children" however when "the children" need money, it gets cut? Utah is number 50 out of 50 states in the per pupil spending rate.

Said Matheson: "We won't know who my opponent is until after the (Republican) convention and the primary. Who runs against me has no effect on how I do my job. I am looking forward to talking about my record of accomplishment with Utahns this year."

I love Scott. I am so glad that Utah sends at least one Democrat to Congress.

Christensen, an attorney who also deals in land development, was first elected to the House in 2002. He quickly showed his conservative side, introducing several so-called "moral" bills, speaking often on legislation and quoting from the Founding Fathers and other well-known Americans. This year Christensen is sponsoring 12 bills and resolutions, more than most House members.

Do we want to send someone to Congress who is clogging up Utah's legislature with message bills, and passing things destined to get Utah sued? Do we want to send that to Congress, so instead of wasting 45 days in Utah, he can waste a whole year in Washington.

He has long been an admirer of the late President Ronald Reagan, offering resolutions calling for naming different buildings or installations after the late president. His HJR13 in this session urges Congress to rename Hill Air Force Base the Reagan Hill Air Force Base. To challenge Matheson, Christensen will have to give up his District 48 seat. Earlier this year, KSL Radio talk show host Doug Wright announced he wouldn't run against Matheson. GOP executive director Spencer
Jenkins said he knows of no other GOP candidates who may enter the race before
the mid-March candidate filing deadline. If that ends up to be the case, Christensen is the best financed and best known of the GOP pack.

I've already commented on changing Hill Air Force Base's name. To read this, click here. Suffice it to say, I do not agree with this.

Matheson, who always works hard at fund raising, has $650,000 in cash. He's spent more than $1 million in his past contests. "The 2nd District needs effective representation," Christensen said. "Like the majority of voters in the district, I am a Republican by choice and for good reason." Republicans are holding America together, he said.

Well Levar, I am a DEMOCRAT by choice and for good reason. I love how he is insulting the good job that Matheson has been doing in Washington. I'd also like to add that I feel much of the division in our country is caused by the Republicans and their exclusions. I don't believe the Republican party is holding the US together, instead I feel they have done a good job at creating an Us versus them society.

"Our party offers the compass and the map that guide our progress as a nation." But Christensen's challenge is to get a large number of Republicans — especially Salt Lake County Republicans — to vote for him. After the Legislature redrew Matheson's 2nd District boundaries in 2001, the son of the late Gov. Scott M. Matheson has had to appeal to a heavily Republican district that runs from the eastern part of Salt Lake County east and south into Washington and Iron counties — one of the largest geographic districts in the nation. Matheson carried the
Salt Lake County portion of the district by more than 60 percent in his last two
elections — getting a healthy chunk of the Republican vote.

Wow, one party contains all the solutions to the worlds problems. Problem is that the Republicans have been in power for several years now, and I feel our country is worse off. The LAST think we need is to send another rubber stamp for GWB to Congress. Notice how not everyone agrees.... Matheson got a lot of Republican votes to win.

Christensen's release had several GOP House members praising the Draper Republican's work. Christensen said: "My service in the state Legislature has given me a good grasp of our state's needs. Federal issues that concern us — education, transportation, taxes, health care, the courts, public lands — are all matters that I'm working on in the Legislature."

Oh, I could write pages on this guy. I feel he is so far right, he can't read the watch on his left hand. He is afraid to make a left turn for fear he will turn into a liberal. He's currently a medium fish in a small pond. Sending him to Washington would turn him into a itty-bitty fish in the Ocean. Might do his ego some good.

Addressing current Washington, D.C., scandals, Christensen said, "Washington is
in need of reform, but reform cannot happen if everyone just goes along to get
along." Congress must change the way it does business, Christensen said. "The lobbyist abuses cross party lines. Every elected official must safeguard the public trust. I will work tirelessly to maintain that trust. "I believe I can make a real difference for Utah in Congress."

No you will go there and look like an ass and have the rest of the US think that Utah is a bunch of backwater fools. I'm already committed to working to defeat this moron, any one want to join me?

Comments Welcome

I happen to know from my trusty sitemeter, that I have a lot more readers than posters. Please feel free to post or comment. Comments are open to anyone, even people without a blogger account!

Oh, I know I need to do a better job posting, and wanted to thank those that have posted.

Toning down the Olympic love

So, After I wrote my Ode to the Olympics, I went and ordered one of the cool new Roots Beret Opening Ceremony hats. At the time it was NOT on back order. Had it been on back order, I would likely not have ordered it. The web site said it would ship within 24 hours.

I got a shipping invoice today.... While shopping there, I purchased a $1 pin, along with the $25 hat. Was the hat shipped, no. What was shipped was the $1 pin, with a full $7.98 in shipping added. Seems they add all shipping costs when the ship the first item.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much, but I think that since their web site did not indicate a back order status, I should be taken care of. What I mean is I know they have some hats around, they should send me one of those or I should get a discount. Their shipping policies are such that the first item shipped is $6, and each additional item is $1.98. So even if I cancel the order, I will still have paid $6 to ship a $1 pin. I have talked to three so called customer service people, and no one offered anything to make it right. They all just said I can cancel, and I'll get the $1.98 in shipping back. Honestly, I can see paying $6 to ship a hat, and $2 to ship a pin, but I think the other way around is robbery.

When the pin gets here, I'll see how much they paid to ship it, and I'll call back and complain some more.

My therapist would ask "What do you want from this?" My answer... On Friday, I purchased a non back ordered hat. I want my hat in a timely manner. I do not want to wait until March. Waiting until March seems quite stupid. I wanted to be able to walk around the office during the Olympics wearing a cool hat, and be neat because I'm the only one who has one. Juvenile, I know, but I will admit it. I still might cancel, because I'm currently being told it will not ship for a couple of weeks.

I also want to point out that this company has no idea of supply and demand. This problem also existed in 2002, when they had these cool hats and not nearly enough. I waited in line for 8 hours for one, remember. I asked why they cannot anticipate the demand, and got no answer. Duh, cool hat, being seen all over NBC, lots of people want one. Grrrr.

Oh, I purposely put those key words up there, to get Google hits when people go looking for the hat.

I love the Olympics

I have been privileged to live in an Olympic City twice in my life. We lived in Los Angles during the 1980 summer games, and in Salt Lake City in 2002. Yes, I know the Olympics are a den of iniquity and commercialism, but I'm not focusing on that today.

My first Olympic memory is on a very hot summer day. We sat on the corner by a Conroy's flower shop waiting for the torch to come by. There were a lot of people around, and it was very hot. Finally the torch came by and we all cheered.

Later on, after the Opening Ceremonies in Los Angles, my dad took us all downtown to see the sights. Traffic was awful. I remember buses being escorted by heavy police escort from the Opening Ceremonies to their dorms. My dad said they were countries who were dangerous to us in the US. (I bet they were in more danger than we were.) While in this traffic jam on the LA city streets, we talked with a man from Nigeria hanging from his window in his dorm, while we hung out of the windows of the car. I remember the traffic was so bad, that my mom and I got out of the car, went to a McDonald's, bought drinks, and came back to the car, which had moved about half a block. Funny, it is one of VERY few times, I don't remember my father getting really upset about the traffic. I remember this as a very fun time. We later on went to the Soul Korea house, and got fans that said "See you in Soul, 1988."

In the preparation for 2002 games, it was again a summer day, when while working at a nursing home as a nurses aide, we gathered in a resident's room to watch the TV and see the announcement. When Juan Antonio Samaranch announced the games go to "the City of Salt Lake City" we started yelling and dancing. A supervisor came to see what was going on, and she joined in.

When it came closer to the Olympics, I signed up to be a volunteer. I was assigned to be a volunteer at the Olympic Village. I had just started a new job, and was told I could not have the time off, so I let the position pass. I was very angry when 2 days into Olympics that job ended. I did have a lot more free time to enjoy the games. Vince and I stood for 8 hours to purchase a Roots beret. He had worked a grave yard the night before and was exhausted. I went to the Olympic area several times to look around and see the sights. I was able to see a concert by Martina McBride, but they canceled the medals ceremony that was supposed to go along with the concert. My brother took us to a bunch of the hospitality houses. We ate weird food and got cool souvenirs.

The highlight of the Olympics here in Salt Lake for me was getting to go to the dress rehearsal for the Opening Ceremonies. It was magnificent, and I have never been so proud to be a Utahan. I have a picture of me all bundled up, because it was about 5 degrees that night. My contact lens fell out during "She'll be coming around the mountain" because it was so cold. I had to pick it up off the floor of the stadium, put it in my mouth, and then shove it into my eye, because there was no way I could see the show, or drive home, with only one contact. There were military with big guns all over the place, I felt like I had left the US and went to LALA land. I said to one of the soldiers, sarcastically "Welcome to Utah" and he replied thanks with a thick southern accent. I felt bad about that, so I stopped mocking the guards. I bought an over priced butt pillow, and really overpriced hot dogs and hot chocolate. Honestly, the Opening Ceremonies were wonderful.

I also got to see the Torch a couple of times. The torch ran by my backyard, so I went and stood in the snow and cheered. I saw it when it was by my work, and we stood is slush and waited. I got to hold a torch, as I just happened to be leaving the grocery store when a bus dropped off a bunch of torch carriers. I got to hold one. They were quite light, from what I had thought they would weight.

Vince got to work up at SnowBasin, and got to see much of the action there. He got a green coat. He and I were able to go to the Opening Ceremonies for the Paralympics. Where we were sitting, we could high five the athletes as they got to their seats. Watching the torch be lit was amazing. It was pouring, and Stevie Wonder sang a song about "Its raining and I'm happy, It's pouring and this is fun." They gave us all plastic ponchos, so the rain was better than the super cold.

The Olympics were an amazing time, and I hope to be able to participate in them again. I'm wearing my Opening Ceremonies pin, (0347/2002) and my Roots Beret today in honor of the Olympics. Sad, I stood in Line for 8 hours to get this Beret, sold one on eBay for $75 and they are currently going for $1.99 here. I am going to order this hat so I have one. I also bought a hat from the summer games in Athens, so I am starting a collection.

Miracles do happen

37 pound woman delivers healthy baby boy

Why my mother does not know the URL here.

I’ll get to the title topic in just a bit… First an update.

I just got back from my OB. I really like her. She said that there are no guarantees, but she is comfortable seeing us through this, and going where this goes. There are no guarantees that the baby will grow, but she measured 18 weeks 3 days today, so she has grown. Heartbeat still good, movement still good, legs still crossed so no confirmation on the gender. There is a low normal amount of amniotic fluid. She said I do need the close monitoring. I see her one-week, and then the perinatologist the next. They don’t assign patients to a perinatologist, they rotate them. There are four perinatologists who come to Ogden from the University of Utah on a rotating basis. Dr. Calm (her name I gave her) said they don’t allow a patient to be assigned to just one doctor. She said that if Dr. DH is on and there is an emergency, then I should see him, but otherwise she supports my decision not to see him. Anyway, she thinks that things are looking ok. She mentioned that with the close monitoring, if we notice that the baby has stopped growing, the amniotic fluid gets way to high or to low, or my blood pressure skyrocket, or the baby’s heart rate drops, once we hit viability (about 24 weeks, based on her weight) we will talk about delivering. If the baby starts showing distress, I’ll likely be hospitalized for close monitoing to try to steal every day of gestation we can. She said I still may end up with a healthy 40 week pregnancy, we just will watch, wait and pray. I am to continue my normal routine, ensuring plenty of rest, activity, healthy food, and water. I am also to stop googling everything. I am to call her before I google, because the googling has been stressing me out. She said I should google cats and read about them, because I’m reading tons of stuff that is just upsetting me.

So here begins my discussion on my mother. I knew when I started this blog, she would come up sooner or later. Maybe that is why no family members know the URL. They know I have one, but they don’t know how to find it. At least if they have, no one has mentioned it, and no one has started a war because of what I have wrote.

I talked to my mom for quite a while this morning. After my appointment, I called her back up to let her know what the doctor said. The talk I had with my mother this morning was reassuring, because she reminded me that she was told to abort England, my sister’s blog name, and England is doing fine. England has no birth defects. All my mom's pregnancies went over due, so she thinks that genetically that our babies just grow slow. She told me I should try to not get so much testing. I asked Dr. Calm about that, and she advised that we continue with the intense monitoring to be able to catch a problem with the baby and deliver if needed.

Now, I don’t really think that my mom likes Dr. Calm all that much. After my fun at the ER at 6 weeks, I saw Dr. Calm the next day. Vince had a test at school, so he could not come. I was on “bed rest” after the ER, so I could not drive. So my mom came and took me. I had selected Dr. Calm because she was recommended to me by my GP. Dr. Calm delivered my GP’s children. I think that is a ringing endorsement, that a female doc trusted Dr. Calm to handle her pregnancies. I don’t have to have female doctors, but I prefer them, and would really rather see a female, all things being equal.

So, my mom has met Dr. Calm. From the BEGINNING, she had a problem with Dr. Calm. She knew one of the other Ob/Gyn’s in Dr. Calm’s clinic, and wanted me to switch to him. I told her that I would see about that after the initial appointment. Well, after the initial appointment, I loved Dr. Calm. She is laid back, and is a doctor I feel I can communicate with, ask stupid questions of her after I have been googling too much, and I feel she is very knowledgeable and compassionate. Any way, my mom did not like her, and still wanted me to switch. I said no, and the subject dropped, or so I thought.

So after I tell her about the appointment news today, and the possibility of delivering early, she flipped out. She wanted to know why I would choose to have a premie. I said that this is a last resort if the baby is in distress and looks like it might die. She said that the baby should just stay in my womb. I tried to explain if it is a placental or cord problem, then staying in the womb will mean death, while having a premie means at least a chance at life. She wanted me to go find a 70 year old Ob/Gyn who does not use all this technology. She thinks that if I go to an old man, then the monitoring will stop and the problems will go away. She thinks all the problems are just because we know about this because I had the APFT test, which she thinks I should never have again. Basically, she wants me to stop seeing a doctor I trust, go find some ancient doctor not current on modern medicine, and start seeing him.

My mom also implied that I was being stupid or selfish by “choosing” to have a premie, rather than let a baby in distress remain in my womb. Basically, if the womb becomes a hostile environment, I’d rather give the baby a chance at life in the NICU, rather than let it die inside of me. Is a 24-week baby optimal, NO, but I would rather let my baby have a chance outside the womb, rather than certain death. I mean if the placenta stops working, nothing will get it started again. Outside, there is a chance that medical procedures will be able to help the baby continue to grow and develop. I want to avoid the NICU at all costs, but if that is what has to be, that is what has to be. I mean, I’m not saying have the baby at 24 weeks because of my sciatic pain. I am not taking pain medication because of the baby’s growth problems. Dr. Calm feels that these may slow things down even more, so nope to the Lortabs, even though my pain is enough to justify them.

Our call ended with her basically saying, whatever, and she had to go. It was very frustrating. I mean, I just got told there is a likelihood of a super premie being born, and my mom questions the information I have been given, and wants me to switch from a provider I trust to a provider who I don’t know. I just wanted some support. I know all 5 of her pregnancies went just fine, but mine is appearing to have concerns. I’m now high risk. Dr. Calm is not overreacting; she is monitoring closely and letting us know the options. Maybe everything would be just fine if we did not know there was a problem, but I would rather know so that we can make informed decisions. Oh, I’m not switching doctors.

Counting my blessings

Sorry for the blog strike. I have been swamped again, and honestly have had some writers block.

Update on the baby.... Looks like she is a girl! I am very excited about this. The last ultrasound on Friday, Feb 3, was not very positive other than that. Thankfully all the major organs are in place and appear to be functioning. Brain, heart, kidneys, and spine all look fine. the catch is that she does not appear to be that interested in growing. She should have measured closer to 20 weeks, 1 day, and measured 17 weeks 6 days. However the placenta, cord and cord attachment site all appear to be fine, so now we watch and wait. I really suck at watching and waiting. I googled a bunch of stuff about this yesterday and ended up sobbing to the WeeCare nurse on the phone. (WeeCare is a program offered by my health insurance company.) I go see my doctor tomorrow, and I'll bawl all over her too, I'm sure. What I read on google was very overwhelming and exhausting.

I really hated the perinatologist I saw last week. It was not the same man I saw two weeks before. He failed to introduce himself, (I still don't know his name) and was arrogant and condescending. He also wanted to know what my feelings were on termination. Ummm HELL NO. He then went on to discuss the laws of Utah and that I only have a week before I would have to travel to another state. I'm sure he was trying to do full disclosure, but he said it like an ass and I've decided to call him Doctor Dick Head as he failed to introduce himself. If I knew his name, I'd track down his email so we could all send him hate email. I am going to refuse to see him again. I saw a Dr. Clark the first time, and I liked him fine, so I'll see him. Thankfully I still have my regular OB, Julia, who is wonderful. She actually answers her own phone after hours.

So I have decided to try to be positive and hopeful, which is not my nature. By nature I am a brooder and worrier. Today I happened to think about one of my favorite hymns, Count your Blessings.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Refrain
Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,

And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Refrain

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy

Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Refrain

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be disheartened, God is over all;

Count your many blessings, angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Refrain

So here is a short list of my blessings.

1. I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me
2. I know that Jesus died for me.
3. I know that there is life before and there is life after this life.
4. I have been blessed to have the love of a wonderful husband.
5. Vince tolerates me when I flip out over something, when I am really upset by something completely else. Example, I yelled at him about the litter box, when I am really upset about the baby.
6. I cleaned my messy bathroom yesterday and the spotlessness is wonderful.
7. I am employed at a job which mostly meets our needs and provides excellent benefits.
8. The ultrasounds at the hospital are covered 100% by insurance.
9. The baby is alive. Her heart is beating at a great rate.
10. I am now pretty sure I have felt her kick.
11. Her major organs are healthy and in place.
12. I believe in prayer and that miracles can happen today.
13. My mom's knee surgery went well.
14. My family is mostly healthy.
15. I have access to medical care.
16. I am educated. I can read, write, and do math.
17. I live in a country where I don't have to wear a veil. I live in a mostly free country.
18. I'm not a Republican.
19. 3 more years and we get a new president.
20. I have access to housing and transportation. No one in my family is going hungry or is homeless.
21. I have clean water to drink.
22. I've discovered a network of people to talk to and worry too. It is nice to not be alone.
23. I don't have to worry about my husband not having rights to our baby, as current laws protect both our rights to our child, something many do not have, especially in this state.

So there is a short list. I feel I needed to see this list and share it, and remind myself I am blessed.

Update from Yesterday

So I had my regular monthly doctor appointment yesterday. My blood pressure was much better, I am not dehydrated, and I am back at my starting weight. All good.

My doctor Julia showed me the 3 page report she was sent from the perinatologist. He wrote tons. She did not really go over it with us, and said that she thought things looked fine. She wanted to keep our visit nice, and I can go worry next week with Dr. Clark at the hospital. Even after my post yesterday, that is fine by me. I know that if I decide I want to see the report, I can just call and get it faxed to me, but then I will be looking up and googling again, and worrying some more, so I'm passing for now. Maybe I'll change my mind, but yesterday was calming, so I'm not blowing it just yet. Watch, I'll have it faxed to me next week.

The baby has moved out of my hip, still transverse, but in a more normal spot. It had a good heart rate and movement. It is still behind on growth, but added a day. I was 19 weeks yesterday, it measured 17 weeks, 6 days. Margin of error at this point on the ultrasound is 7-10 days, so we are just fine. She pointed out that neither of us are very tall or big, so our baby is just going to be a little smaller than the average. She said she would be much more worried if we were big tall people. I'm 5'2, DH is about 5'5. Yao Ming we are not. So out little one will just be a small one, because it comes from small parents. Makes sense to me. Weight wise it is on target. At 19 weeks, weight should be 9 ounces, it weighs about 8, so things are good there (well within the margin of error). The heart beat is steady, strong, and about 140, just right. My amniotic fluid level is much better, dang close to normal. I guess the bath and the very little caffeine and lots of water worked.

Now on to what everyone wants to know, gender. My child is still being very shy and uncooperative. It's cord is currently wrapped between its legs, and the legs were very tightly crossed at the ankles. I have my bet from what I saw on the screen, but I also thought a foot was a hand, so I'm no expert on knowing what I am seeing on the ultrasounds. Vince and I are guessing opposite, so we will just have to wait until next Friday when we go have another level 2. Julia said that the development will be much more clear next week, and we should be able to clearly tell. So no more gender news until next Friday.

Someone asked why not go to a Fetal Fotos place. Well, I'll have had 3 ultrasounds in 3 weeks when I'm done next week, all courtesy of my insurance company. I'll tell you that if we still don't know after the ultrasound next week, I'm headed there. Vince does not want to do that, and my doctor advised against them, but I'm dying to know. (I think that is why I get a "show and tell" ultrasound every visit.)

Worrying again.

I’m having a hard time relaxing and enjoying this pregnancy. I feel like my depression is back with a vengeance. I am taking my meds, which helped me before. I’m functioning and all but I think the stress is just getting to me. I know I should “let go, and let God”. I have been able to do this, but I fluctuate between peace in my soul and depression and stress.

What I am stressed about (and yes, I am sure that some are silly things to worry about.)

1. I am 19 weeks along today. I am not showing at all. I know that this is likely because I was fat when I got pregnant. My email update talked about having a messed up belly button today. Mine looks fine. I am worried this kid is not growing as it should. It seems that everyone else I know is showing. Someone last week asked me if I had the baby already. I said, nope. I know it is likely hiding in my hip, but I still worry if it has enough room to grow and be healthy.
2. I “THINK” I have felt the baby move occasionally. I really worry because I’m not feeling it all the time or even every day. I don’t even know for sure if that is what I felt.
3. I go to the doctor today. I’m worried the amniotic fluid situation or the growth rate will be worse. I worry so much that they will not find a heart beat.
4. I am STILL sick. I worry I am destroying my teeth. I threw up my apple juice this morning. I could catalog the differences in throw up, but will resist the urge.
5. I have had some REALLY bad sciatic pain lately. I had some better days earlier this week, but yesterday was horrible. I could not get into a pain-free position. I slept like crap last night.
6. I’m whining and I know it. I SHOULD be so happy and glowing. Instead I am sick and depressed and worried.
7. I’m worried I will never know what this kid is and I will have to keep wondering forever. I know I’ll find out sooner or later, but I’m getting really anxious on this point.

The small moments of relief when Vince is stroking my belly and talking to the baby, or when I have peace about the baby seem few and far between. I know I am blessed, and I know that worrying and being upset will change nothing. I wish I could stop worrying but I just do.

I feel that I am grieving the loss of the mythical imagined perfect pregnancy. You know, like the ones the movie stars have with the cute bumps and cute clothes and they never vomit in public or wet their pants because they are vomiting. The imagined pregnancy where everything goes well, there are no concerns with the tests, and then she goes on to have a medication free delivery with no episiotomy. The perfect pregnancy with no sciatic pain, loads of free wheeling sex with their partner, and easy sleep. Oh, and they don’t have a job from hell and depression to deal with. You know, the pregnancy I wanted and dreamed about and prayed for during the infertility crap. However I have reality, and while I am so happy I am pregnant, reality rarely lives up to our dreams.
I wish that a magic Fairy could come wave her magic wand and tell me everything is ok. If this is what mother hood is like, I am going to have real problems dealing with being a mom.

Your tax dollars at work, If you live in Utah

So with all the PRESSING things facing the legislature during their 45 day session here in Utah, there is a legislator proposing to rename Hill Air Force Base to Reagan Air Force Base. Not only will this waste time in the very time limited session, if this were to be approved and the base changes its name, think of EVERYTHING on base which would need a name change. What a WASTE of time and energy. To read about this click here. Notice they did not interview a single Democrat or person opposed to this change for the story.

Instead of talking about removing the sales tax on food, lets honor Reagan by changing the name of our Air Force base. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. Lets blow some hard earned tax money on changing street names, freeway exit signs, welcome signs, ID cards, car stickers, letter head, and everything else.

Four

So Faith tagged me on this one, so here goes. And no Trista, I have not forgotten about your tag long ago. You are next.

Four jobs you’ve had in your life:

1. Certified Nurses Assistant in a Nursing home: Paid for college
2. Dishwasher at a catering company: Paid under the table and one free Snapple a shift.
3. Security dispatcher at an amusement park: What Fun is not.
4. Child Welfare Social Worker: My current occupation with loads of stress to go along.

Four movies you could watch over and over:

1. Sound of Music
2. Pirates of the Caribbean
3. Thomas Crown Affair
4. Princess Bride

Four TV shows you love to watch:

1. ER
2. Commander in Chief (Woman Power!)
3. CSI (re-runs included)
4. Grey's Anatomy

Four places you’ve been on vacation:

1. Monterrey Bay
2. San Francisco
3. Acapulco, Mexico
4. Bear Lake, Utah

Four websites you (try to) visit daily:

1. Salt Lake Tribune
2. Blogs to the Left on my screen
3. Web Cams at the Monterrey Bay Aquarium. (My favorite is the bay camera)
4. http://www.Msnbc.com News Junkie here

Four of your favorite foods (foods I am craving with this pregnancy) :

1. Raviolis with Marinara
2. Fry sauce
3. Enchilada Sauce
4. Apple sauce and Juice

Four places you’d rather be:

1. Home
2. Hawaii
3. Monterrey Bay
4. On a cruise

Four albums you can’t live without: (Only 4??)

1. White Album
2. "Mo Tab's" Consider the Lilies of the Field.
3. Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack
4. Mozart CD.