Wendy meets Sydney

Here is the video of when I met Sydney. I'm basically high from all the drugs. I fibbed about how ready I was to get up out of bed, because I thought the nurse would just let me get right into the chair. Instead she made me walk across the large room to the bathroom, which was pointless because I had a cathedar in and Dr. Calm cleaned me out rather well.

Birthday Pondering

Today I am 29.

What a year 28 was.

One year ago today, I had a very strong suspicion I was pregnant. I was quite in denial about it, as I had so dearly wanted to be pregnant. My breasts were very sore and tender, and I just had this feeling.

One year ago today, I had no idea what this year would bring. I did not know I was going to have a wonderful daughter. I did not know that such joy and such pain could be combined into the same thing. I had no idea the strength I would need, nor the strength I would find. I had no idea I would have a high risk pregnancy, bed rest, c/s, NICU stay. Seriously, I had always imagined that my first daughter would be named Kathryn. I just love that name. And I have a baby girl named Sydney, whom I love. Sydney fits her so much better than Kathryn does. (Maybe my next daughter, if I do decided to wade into the pregnancy pool, will be Kathryn.) I had not imagined I would not have a natural birth, and have the baby placed directly on my belly. Instead, I had a scheduled c/s, with her immediately gone. I saw her hours later. I then went 3 days of torture without her. This gave me a small perspective on how hard it is for Vince to leave us to go to military. It was never that hard for him to go before, he would miss me, but he knew I was going to rent movies I want to see, go out with friends, craft, go shopping, basically take proper care of my self. Now when he leaves, he leaves behind someone who changes. The biggest change I ever made while he was gone was I lost 8 pounds. Sydney spent half her life while he was gone. She rolled over for the first time. Milestones happen when he is gone now. She will grow and change while he is gone.

One year ago, I had no plans to leave DCFS; and here I sit at DSPD. This has been a huge change for me, and a very positive one. I'm still in shock that something which has been such a defining factor of my life is gone now.

One year ago, I was a different person. I sit here a year old, and more than a year wiser. I matured more than one year in the past year, I feel like I have aged 7 years in the last year.

One year ago, I felt ignored by the Lord. Now I again know, what I really have always known, that He hears me and answers my prayers. I thought I had learned to accept His plan through the infertility trials. I've learned that it is another level of accepting His plan completely when it comes to your children. I still wonder and am troubled by what Sydney had to learn by her rough entry into this world. I also wonder what Vince and I had to learn from her tough start.

Some of you have been reading my blog for this entire time. Some of you are newer. Some of you I've never met, some are old friends. I want to thank you all for reading my posts. You are privy to some of the most intimate details of my life, for here I post what I feel I cannot say in real life. I process what is going on with me here. Here I share my thought, fears, and dreams. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

TMI, deep thought, an update, and some ranting all in one post!!

So, here I am. I have several random thoughts to post, so I'll order them. Felt the need to play with color....

1. New Job Love it!!! The new job is very laid back. I have to be a go-getter to get any training attention. The laid back style is a refreshing and relaxing change. Problem is, I am lonely. People here are pretty solitary, meaning, I'm the only one with my door open any time. I also feel like the feeling your car makes when you mean to put the manual transmission into 5th gear, but accidentally go into 3rd or even 1st. You know, that jearking lurching, throw you against the stearing wheel feeling? Things are so much slower and low pressure here, it is odd after 4 years of constant pressure.
2. Had my annual OB exam today. VERY weird being there for an exam, not pregnant. Took the baby with me. She decided to scream just before Dr. Calm came in to do a pelvic, so I nursed during the pelvic. She and I talked birth control types. I'm on a progesterone only pill. I spot a lot and hate it. Thing is, the RE I saw in SLC told me that if I was not TTC, I need to be on a hormonal BC method. I'm thinking about getting Mirena inserted. She did say that I could go back to my regular pill in a couple of months. Thing is, simply put, and I told her this, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. She said her advice is to have a least 2 years between pregnancies, based on how hard the last one was. I need the time to mentally and physically heal. I need to not have to manage this every day. It is odd for me who has been though infertility to be saying this, but I do not want to get pregnant right now. I want to enjoy Sydney and Vince. I want to emotionally process what I have been through and deal with the emotions I have not dealt with. I want to "be" ready, not just accidentally get pregnant. Since I lost the weight and had surgery, my body has shown itself to be very fertile, by getting pregnant the first cycle off the pill. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think I'm making a big deal, but then I realize this is a big deal for me. She gave me some literature, and I'll think it over. One of my complaints about the pill I'm on right now is the nearly constant spotting, which she said is pretty standard with Mirena for 6 months.
3. OUT with the VBAC patrol. So yesterday, a couple of ladies from chuch came over. One, once she learned I had a c/s wanted to know if the doctor had "meshed" (whatever that means) or double sewed my uterine incision. Well, I partly played dumb. I've read my surgical report, it does not mention a second row of sutures, so I'm betting money I did not have them. Then she wants to know what type of uterine incision I had, and I know exactly where this is going... Yes I had a horizontal incision, and no, I don't want to VBAC. I did not want to discuss the deep emotional and physical reason's I don't want to labor, but too posh to push is not that reason. She kind of implied that was me, when I pointed out that Sydney's birth was c/s to take the risk off of her and onto me, and that I was fine with my c/s. I did not want to point out how terrifying my last pregnancy was, and how reassuring being in competant medical hands was. I also did not want to go in depth into my gynelogical history, that I've already had two uterine incisions, a deformed uterus, which was blessed to carry life, and that I am simply to scared to VBAC. I feel the risk to too great, so I have already discussed this with Dr. Calm, and she said she would prefer a c/s but would support a VBAC attempt as long as her insurance allows it. Simply put, any future children will be born by c/s and I am fine with this. Everyone can make their own choices, and this is mine. So I want the VBAC police to keep their judgements off my body. They don't have to deal with the emotional and physical consequences, I do. I know that a failed VBAC would crush me, and I would rather avoid that all together. Bascially, I'll have a nice scheduled C/S, thank you very much. Oh, she wants me to use some "slippery oak" for Sydney's nose cold, and mix it with formula. I pointed out that Sydney is breast fed. Thanks, but I'll skip the weird stuff right now.
4. Life is not meant to be happy and easy. It is a challenge and a grind. We are here to be tested. We are having a hard time at our home right now. Vince's car is broken, needs major brake work done, money is tight. We are on the one car fleet again, and it is so hard to get worked out. He is really struggling with school and ROTC. I got off the pressure wheel, and he got on. He is having a really hard time getting things done. I'm not helping to lessen the pressure, because I want him to get some sleep and spend some time with us. He is having a hard time with his classes. I wish I could just do the work for him, but that would not help him.
5. Krista is one of those people on the internet who you never meet, but changes your life for good. Krista has brain cancer, and had been re-occurance free for 10 months. She has beaten the odds by where she is today. At her last MRI, there was increased growth, and she has to change drugs and hope the new, nastier ones work. I read this today, and it made me so sad. Krista has done made so many positive improvements in so many lives, mine included. I had so prayed that the cancer would disappear, that this trial would be done for her. It just made me sad to read this news. HUGS Krista.

Rambling C/S post

I posted this on mothering.com, a bb I frequently hang out at.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peppermint
I have a couple of questions that are c-section related.I wish I could ask all of these questions on the regular forums, but I can't spend a ton of time defending my c-sections, BTDT here quite a few times.I feel like because I am *choosing* a repeat c-section, I don't get to make choices for the baby that are "natural". I just want what is best for the little Bean....

I just made the mistake of wandering into birth and beyond and into home birthing. It was this thread which prompted these emotions. I wanna go into labor. I wanna push. I don't want to be judged because my baby was born through my abdomen, not my vagina. I had a medically necessary c/s and I still feel that I am, at least emotionally, defending this. I know that had I not had a c/s DD would not have been alive. Had I done UP (no prenatal care), there is no chance in hell DD would be alive. I would never do UP, and would likely never do a home birth, but those choices are gone from me forever. There is no way I could in good concience have a "low tech" pregnancy. I will likely be high risk as the growth problems can happen at any time in the pregnancy. I would be terrified that without regular u/s we would miss IUGR in my next pregnancy.

I guess I'm sad for what will not be. Hopefully, my next pregnancy will be easy, followed by a ERCS (elective repeat c-section) - at least on paper. I know that due to uterine malformations, two uterine surgeries, etc, I am at a high risk for rupture, and do not feel the need to "prove" anything, not when I knowingly risk my daughter being without a mother. My next c/s will and won't be elective, due to the risks, but I feel I will have to defend this even more, than I feel I need to defend my first c/s.

Another poster on another board said that having a c/s you miss the best part of having a baby - the having of the baby. Am I less of a momma because I never felt a contraction? Or does the 2 months spent on bed rest compensate for that? How about the 48 days in the NICU, being told when and how I can hold DD, how I can mother her? Am I less of a momma because I won't push out baby number 2? If I have a baby number 2? I DESPARATELY want another baby, but am terrified of going through this again.

And what IF I chose a primary c/s? Does that make me a bad person?, a bad mommy? I would say no, it does not. I don't think I am less a mommy because I did not labor. I feel I am her mommy. I was her mommy since before she was concieved, and by my religious beliefs, I will be her mommy for eternity. By the same token, my Bro and SIL are hoping to adopt, and I firmly believe that she will be a mommy just the same as I, even though she did not get pregnant at all.

Honestly, I don't have c/s issues like so many others do. My c/s was not forced on me, it was an educated decision made with the guidance of a OB whom I trust. I trusted her with mine and DD's lives, and she cared for us and helped me bring my baby to life in the only way possible, by c/s. I do not feel I was birth abused, frankly the abuse occured in the NICU, mostly by a fellow social worker. I feel how I was treated by her is part of why I am getting out of child welfare. (The fact I hate my supervisor helps that one too.) I will miss child welfare. I will miss the children. I just don't want to be as involved a social worker as before, as I'm terrified that I'll repeat what the bitchy social worker did to me.

I too want what is best for my next bean, and I did what was best for this bean, the bean currently currled up on my bed. Maybe this is my white flag in the mommy wars. Maybe I'm asserting that my birth is just as valid as anyone elses. Life came from my womb, a life for which we were terrified would never come because of infertility. You can be a mommy without giving birth, as through adoption. So am I, other women who did not birth vaginally, and mommy's by adoption lesser mommies? No. I'm not attacking any one else's position I'm just stating mine. I wanted to vaginally birth. My body was not made to do that. My uterus is deformed, and I am blessed it was able to contain my baby long enough to give life.

That's all I have to say now. Thanks for reading.