Made up lives.....

So I stole this from Trista's blog so here goes.....

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL MEMORY OF YOU AND ME.It can be anything you want--good or bad--BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.


Oh, for fun, type failure into a google search and click on I'm feeling lucky. Have a laugh. Miserable failure used to work as well. You used to be able to search for the weapons of mass destruction on google, and get a made up Microsoft error window, which lead to a book of poerty written by Ashcroft.

I miss my car.

So, I know I have been a real lazy bones and not updated this forever. So am I writing an earth shattering piece, ummm, no. Rather, I will whine.

So, DH's car broke down on Friday. Saturday and Sunday, he had drill. Because I had NO desire to drive to Salt Lake and back, he had the car. So I had no car for the weekend. Monday night, we get his car towed to the shop. I'm now bumming rides from co-workers. I'm grateful to them. I so miss the freedom of controlling my own transportation. The other day, I had a state car, and I reveled in the freedom of being able to stop at a gas station and buy a soda.

Why do I not have a car, and DH has my car? Because he has to be at school at 5:45 am, and I don't want to drive to Weber to take him there, and then pick him up when tutoring is done at 8:30 ish.

So far, it has been an exhaust problem, and we are only in for about $250, much cheaper than I expected. The Ford Contour has not one, not two, but THREE catalytic converters, and the rear one plugged up so bad, that no exhaust was getting to the muffler. WOW. No wonder the car refused to go, and made a horrible hissing noise when the gas was pushed.

So I feel quite caged and restricted. I miss my car. Yesterday, DH came home and I drove it to a church thing. Not only is my car now full of his crap, he changed all my radio presets. GRRRRR. Not very happy about that one at all. Oh, and he got mud all over my car as well.

Tuesday, after he was done with tutoring at about 8:30pm, he was susposed to stop and get me dinner. Now, there is really no food in my house (or at least none I want to eat) because I have not been able to go to the store, as I have no car. So he was getting me Noodles and Co. He calls me from the Game Stop next door, and starts placing a Christmas wish list. I not very sweetly reminded him that his pregnant wife was at home starving, and he was video game shopping????

So, I'm slightly fed up with this no car thing. I really want my car back. Hopefully his car will be done tonight.

And to top off this lovely day, I left my cell phone at home. I know no ones phone numbers. I had to ask HR what my mom's cell # is (she is an emergency contact) as I have NO idea what her number is. I usually push and hold 3, and it magically dials her.

I just REALLY want my car back.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

It's my Birthday

I have not updated lately because of technical difficulties. My home computer got slammed with ad ware, making it crash every 2 minutes. Thankfully a nice anti- spy and ad ware remover has fixed this. I had a hard time downloading it, as the computer kept crashing.

Today is my 28th Birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

Guess what, my family sucks. We had a little get together on Saturday for my birthday that was nice. However, a majority of my family has not bothered to give me a call today.

My paternal grandparents called this morning. I don't have that great a relationship with them, but the call was nice. My mother in law called about an hour ago. While I was typing this, my father, who I don't have that great a relationship with called.

Has my mother called? No. Have any of my four siblings called? No. Has my maternal grandmother called? No. I know she knows the day, because I was born on my grandpa's birthday.

Kind of bumbed. Wish they would call.

Rambling ideas about Bush, Polls, Military States, and the Supreme Court.

According to an NBC/WSJ Poll, only 2% of African Americans approve of the Job that President Bush is doing. Twenty-nine percent of people surveyed said Harriet Miers was qualified to serve on the highest court in the United States, while 24 percent thought she was not qualified and 46 percent said they did not know enough about her. 28% of Americans feel the country is headed in the right direction. Only 39% of Americans polled approve of the job President Bush is doing.

President Bush says he does not read the polls. He feels they have no value. Right, less that one third of the country feels that we are going in the right direction, and there is nothing to worry about.

I do agree, in part with not governing by polls. HOWEVER, there is a difference between bowing to every little whim of the people, and listening to them and learning from them. People say that the Katrina response was not racially based, but I believe it was. Look how much better things went with Rita. Look how fast supplies got to Pakistan. Last time I checked, New Orleans was closer to the rest of America that Pakistan is.

It appears to me that President has chosen to appoint a good, loyal friend of his to the Supreme Court by nominating Harriet Miers. She is a woman, she is a trail blazer. Great. I am very concerned that there is very little public record available on this woman. She has never been a judge. We have no decisions or rulings to look at. Her most current work is being kept private under executive privilege. I believe in having the best candidate for the job, and I don't know if she is. Sure she was the first female this, and the first female that, but I hope we have moved beyond that. I would have hoped we would be able to judge her on her merits, not on her gender alone.

Yesterday, President Bush brought her religious beliefs into the discussion. Last time I checked, it was illegal to use religion as a hiring basis in the United States.

“People are interested to know why I picked Harriet Miers,” Bush told reporters at the White House. “They want to know Harriet Miers’ background. They want to know as much as they possibly can before they form opinions. And part of Harriet Miers’ life is her religion.”

President Bush wants us to know she is an Evangelical Christian, and that should tell us all we want or need to know. He is asking Congress and the American people to use an illegal tool to grant Harriet a job on the highest court in our country, a job which is a lifetime appointment as well. I am Christian, but I would never hire someone solely on the basis that we share the same religion. I would hire based on skills, experience, education, presentation, and attitude. We have no knowledge of her current skills. We cannot see how she has ruled in the past. We know nothing about her other that she believes that President Bush is one of the smartest men she knows, and that she is an evangelical Christian. OK, any one that believes that this man is a smart person, is themselves not a smart or thinking person. When John Roberts was up for confirmation, the Bush administration did not want a religious litmus test used. Now they want us to use this standard, which is illegal under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Employment Opportunity. If all she has to offer to us is that she is Bush's friend and evangelical Christian, I find that to be a very poor recommendation to be the next Supreme Court Justice.

President Bush wants us to trust him and believe he has found the best candidate for the job. I do not know if he has or not, but I do not trust Bush. I do not trust Bush because of the failures to be aware and watchful and protect Americans on 9-11. I do not trust Bush because of the lies which were told to the American people about starting the Iraq war. I do not trust Bush because more soldiers have died since he declared "Mission Accomplished." I do not trust Bush because he does not trust lowly, normal, middle class Americans. I do not trust Bush, because under him, we have lost great freedoms in the name of security, and the war on terror. I do not trust Bush because we have been lied to so many time, he has no more credibility with me. I do not trust Bush because he created a great cultural divide in the last election, and has made things harder for people who are not a traditional family. I do not trust Bush, because he has already show he will hire inexperience and incompetence, in the form of former head of FEMA, Michel Brown. I do not trust Bush because of the horrible respose to Katrina, and now he wants to put the military in charge of disasters.

I love the military, but I have a problem with the Armed Forces policing Americans. The Posse Comitatus Act was put in place in 1856 for a reason. (Our service members play an important role every day in keeping us free so I can type away. I am a proud Army wife, and I am very proud that my husband serves honorably. This is not an anti-military idea, rather an anti-military state idea I am writing about here.) Our military members play an important role in resolving disasters, but I do not want to become a military state where the military is over everything. I see what a military state is like military bases. This has a time and a purpose, and I know that the military is in charge when I go on base. However on base you give up the right to a warrant before a search and seziure. I bet I would get arrested if I tried to start a peaceful protest rally on base. My car and person can be searched at will. I am Id'ed to get on and off base. My car is registered and there are cameras EVERYWHERE. Now, I am not complaining about how life is on base. I understand and accept that. I know that there are national security reasons for the security measures. I CHOOSE to trade these rights on a temporary basis for access to tax-free shopping, crafting classes, and cheap gasoline. However this is a CHOICE. I could CHOOSE to never go on base, and retain my rights. I CHOOSE to go on base, and know what the consequences are, and they only are within the fences of the base. I worry what will happen to our rights if the military is put in charge not only of protecting them (which they are) but also enforcing them and allowing their free expression.

If Harriet Miers is confirmed and then found to be incompetent, we have no recourse, she is there for life. If you are not white, strait, Christian, rich, and his friend you mean nothing to him. Why else would he not even look at the polls? Why would he not want to know what the people he was hired to serve, protect, and defend think of the job he is doing?

Fun with Google

Now, I love Google. I use it several times a day. I have their tool bar on my computer, which updated itself a couple of weeks ago. Wondering how they did that....

Anyway, I saw this on a friends blog An Accident of Hope and thought I'd give it a try..... What you do is type your name into Google followed by the word needs. To see my full results, click here.

1. Wendy Needs Your Assistance.
2. Wendy needs a Portland-to-Coast Team member
3. Wendy needs a furrever home for Christmas!
4. Wendy needs cordyline help
5. Wendy needs at least 5 business days advance notice for this process.
6. Wendy needs to tell Rachel what's going on with Danny, because he's not right in the head. And if Rachel does go ahead and sleep with Danny, and he carries through on his "mastermind" "plan" to "ruin" her "reputation," Wendy needs to remind Rachel every day that we don't live in the nineteen-goddamn-fifties and as long as she uses protection, respects the feelings of others, and feels okay about having sex, she's not a slut and she shouldn't let some twisted little Puritan whose mommy made him pee sitting down tell her who she is. (This link was interesting... to see it click here.)
7. In Dick's strange mind, there are some things that Wendy needs to know.
8. If Wendy needs more than one piece of equipment please use the subject line.
9. Whether Wendy needs to build a new road or fix an old one she knows it will besimple to do with Roley on the job....
10. Wendy needs a patient,loving, and committed family who can provide structure and support. ... haha
11. Wendy needs more chairs for these oral. sessions. ROFL

Sorry nothing deep today... I have Columbus day off, so I'm not really thinking today. Maybe tomorrow.

Freedom of Speech

I'm on a mailing list for people with infertility who are LDS. I posted a link to my blog, and copied the "Inconceivable" post I wrote. (Inconceivable was cancelled this week!) After doing that I received the following email......

From : M Eagar
Sent : Tuesday, October 4, 2005 5:47 PM
To : intorainbowz@hotmail.com
Subject : Your Blog

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I belong to the 2ofus4now website. I don't ever post but often read when people have to say. I went to your blog link about the Inconcievable show in NBC. Just wanted to ask you that next time you provide a link to your personal thoughts and blog - maybe you should take out the F word that is so big and bolded for everyone in the world to see. Come on, you know that most of the women on the 2ofus4now website are mormon. Why would you tell them to go to your blog when you have the F word bigger than day on there? Please be careful next time. I for one don't know you and don't care if you hate President Bush or not or if you chose to use that kind of language. I just don't want a link to it without a warning of what might be on there.

Thank you for your time. Hope that you continue your blog for those people who like to read that sort of thing.


I must be doing something right because I have officially offended someone. I changed my profile to now have a warning on the top of my blog.

To M Egar:

No, I will not edit my blog. Had you actually read that post, you would find hurt, anger and fear in my words. Had you read my blog, you would find that I am a sensible person. Yes, I swear. If that makes you uncomfortable, please no longer read my blog. I try not to swear, but I do. This blog is my way of expressing what I am thinking about. The real world swears. I swear. My husband swears. My boss swears. My friends swear. My co-workers swear. There is a time and a place for swearing, and on my blog I feel free to express how I am feeling, even if this is offensive to some. Oh, and the FUCK work is in yellow, not bolded.

She must have scrolled down, because I don't use FUCK in the Inconcievable post.

Penn and Teller are magicians, who delight in explaining how the tricks are done, have a show called Bull Shit. It airs on Showtime. (Penn is a real loud mouth, Teller never talks in their act). On their show, they call Bull Shit on different topics, such as PETA, psycics, chiropractors, etc. In their last season, they called Bull Shit on the anti-profanity movement. They showed a lady who runs a campaign to clean up swearing. They point out her hypocrisy, that it is offensive to her if someone swears by her God, but she swears by others. She uses "Santa Vacca" and I swear to Budda, instead of Oh my God, or Jesus Christ. It is not OK to swear by Christian Gods, but it is OK to swear by Budish and Hindu Gods.

Penn and Teller point out that people are not angry about how things are being said, but the words used. People are not saying be nicer or less angry, just use baby talk or other words not on the "swearing" list. In one example, Penn talks in a very sweet tone to a dog, talking about how he wants to skin the dog and kill it. He then shouts at the dog how much he loves the dog and how cute the dog it. The dog wags when talked to in a nice voice, but cowers in fear when shouted at.

I chose the language I use carefully. At time, the only words I have to express my outrage or other strong emotion is the swear word. Fetch or fudge would not have expressed what I was feeling. In order to express my emotions, words that shock are the ones to use. Sometimes I don't find the need to use these words.

Oh, and Balderdash and Humbug used to be swear words. Pregnancy could not be used on television.

So M Eagar, Yes I know the LDS church takes a strong point on swearing. I'm not there yet. J. Golden Kimball swore like a trucker. Thank you for pointing out a fault and sin of mine. Your arrogance and perfection are greatly appreciated. I know I am not perfect and will freely admit this. I would never ask someone to change what they wrote because it offended me. Freedom of speech goes both ways. My thought are as protected as yours are. Voltaire said "I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to my death your right to say it." Popular speech is not the only speech protected, unpopular speech is protected as well. So no, M Eagar, I will not edit my blog. I will keep writing as I see fit. I will write with the words I have in my vocabulary, and not keep something out because it is offensive to some.

Laughing with children

Yesterday, I was able to be reminded of why I work in child welfare. I never planned on working in child welfare. I earned a double major in social work and gerontology. Gerontology is the social study of aging. How I ended up in child welfare is a question on money. I was working at a nursing home making nothing with no benefits. I get offered a fairly well paying job with excellent benefits. It was hard to do, but it was a no-brainer, I had to make the change.

So I came for the money. I stayed for something else. I stayed because I still feel I can make a difference. I stayed to be an advocate for children. I stayed to be the only one looking out for children. I stayed to influence their lives and help them find their path. I stayed to help parents learn to parent. I stayed because I believe that people can change. I stayed because it is pure joy when parents learn to better parent. I stayed because I enjoy being a change agent in people’s lives.

Yesterday, I was able to spend 2 hours one on one with a foster child. She is 16, and has a powerful future ahead of her. Her bio-parents were crap, they lost her at birth. Strike one. Her adoptive parents were emotionally abusive, and never let her forget she was not their blood. Strike two. She ended up very young in the juvenile court system, with criminal charges. Foul Ball, not a strike.

Once she got into the system, she no longer had to live with her abusive adoptive parents. She bounced around in foster homes a lot. Her past 3 years have been very challenging. She has really struggled and had a very hard time of life. Then something wonderful happened. She got a therapist who cared. She has an intensive tracker willing to do almost anything to help her. She got a caseworker that is involved with the case and cares about children. She got a foster home willing to take her as she is, and love her. They have incorporated her into their family. They call her “my daughter” not my foster daughter, or my adopted daughter. She now has a little sister. She has a family.

She has turned around. She was sexually promiscuous, she is now stating she is celibate. (not so sure on this one). She went from sluffing to the honor roll. She wants to go to college. She wants to open her own business. She wants to have a strong future. She is taking business classes and preparing to take the ACT. Just a little over a year ago, she was failing school and smoking pot.

Her adoptive father died, so she has financial resources other foster children do not. She is getting a fair amount of social security, so has funds to do things with. Yesterday, she and I cashed a check for $1100, and bought a laptop. We laughed over seeing that much money at once. I have never seen 11 Benjamins in one place before. I’ve had that much money, but never held that much. We joked about what fun we could have. We smelled the money and flipped it around. It was very fun, and we laughed. It was a lovely sunny day, and we were laughing together.

We went and purchased the laptop she had ordered. We then went and purchased a briefcase for her to carry her laptop in. She purchased a very sensible and practical bag, one with wheels and a pull handle. She talked about how she is going to use this laptop to learn design and business skills. She talked about how she is going to use this to earn her degree. She talked about her plans for her future. Her future appears so bright, we all need shades.

I was able to spend some time with a girl who has had too few adults care about her in her lifetime. Somehow she is still optimistic about her future. I don’t know if I had her life how I would react.

I was able to remember why I work here. I work here because too many children have not had anyone give a damn about them. I give a damn. I am proud that I help children, and I am helping guide the future. I work here to be a part of children’s lives and better them. I work here because I feel I can do something about the problem. I work here, because I get to spend time with children and laugh.

Inconceivable

For some reason, I chose to watch a new television show on NBC, called Inconceivable. Maybe I watched because I like Ming-Na as a actress. Maybe I watched because I've been there at the fertility office, and I wondered if television could/would get it correct.

Well the short answer is, NO, they got it all wrong. The long answer is they completely made it up, and no one on the show, no writer, and not even the craft service guy has EVER been to fertility clinic.

The show starts with a man holding a specimen cup, watching what appears to be the start of a porn. He appears to be needing to produce a semen sample. The camera pans out to two staff members standing outside the door snickering. One makes a comment "This will take a while, he picked one with a plot." Now, having done this, the staff treated us with complete professionalism and privacy. We did this in Utah, and there were magazines in a drawer in the room, but no Video. There was a sign offering that there are other rooms if more privacy is needed. The room had a deadbolt and a flip lock. Lousy elevator music was piped into the room. The staff deals with this EVERY day, they stop snickering, unless someone is excited to head in there, I am sure.

The doctor in the show could be one of the doctors from Nip/Tuck. He appears to be an arrogant, egotistical, womanizing, cad of a doctor. He seems proud that he transplanted 5 embryos into one woman at once. This is just not done by ethical doctors today. Great advances in embryo grading allows them to implant the highest quality embryos. They grade embryos with an A, B, C or a 1, 2, 3 and so on. My reproductive endocrinologist typically will only transplant 2 quality embryos. He will on occasion, do three. Transplanting 5 is insane, who wants to have 5 babies at once? In France, they are moving toward implanting one embryo at a time. Increasing the number of embryos DOES NOT increase the possibility of pregnancy, it increases the likely hood of complications. Do you really think that the minister and his wife are going to undergo selective reduction, which some consider an abortive technique?

• This doctor seem proud of couples who have undergone 6 IVF procedures. He said he pushed them when they were ready to give up. Is that entirely ethical? Aren't doctors supposed to educate and let their patients make the decision? How many patients has he pressed, and it not worked? According to American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) information provided in their FAQ " IVF currently accounts for about 99% of ART procedures with GIFT, ZIFT and combination procedures making up the remainder. The average live delivery rate for IVF in 2000 was 29.9 per cent per retrieval--a little better than the 20 per cent chance in any given month that a reproductively healthy couple has of achieving a pregnancy and carrying it to term." ART procedures are those which are advanced, and do not include artificial insemination, medication treatments and other less advanced treatments. In an ART treatment, the Egg is removed from the female, and combined with the sperm in one of several different techniques. These odds of success are not cumulative, each attempt has the same success possibility as the one before. Think of this as a roulette wheel or a throw of the dice. What happened in the previous attempt has no bearing on the chances of success in this attempt. Your doctor may have learned something about your situation to give better medical advice, but the odds remain the same. What this means is that you can have 43 attempts at IVF, and still not get pregnant. ASRM is the foremost organization of fertility treatment, like the American Pediatrics Association is the foremost organization for pediatricians. For a better explanation, visit their website. They are well respected and publish scholarly and peer reviewed research.
• The drugs given during these treatments are powerful and have strong side effects. Concerns continue to exist that these drugs may contribute to various cancers. They cause hormonal swings, and can be tough for the person receiving them. They are expensive, and are usually not covered by insurance.
• IVF is very expensive. According to ASRM, the average cost in the USA for an IVF procedure is $12, 400. How is the minister and his wife paying for this? How is the Private paying for this? IVF, and infertility treatments for that matter, are not covered by TriCare, the military health insurance. At the clinic I go to, finances and how to pay for this is included in the INITIAL IVF consultation. It us usually not covered by insurance. ASRM states, and I agree with this: "The desire to have children and be parents is one of the most fundamental aspects of being human. People should not be denied insurance coverage for medically appropriate treatment to fulfill this goal."
• Egg freezing is pretty hard to do. It is usually only done as a last resort for women who are about to under go chemo, and don't have a partner, or women who are trying to preserve their fertility and don't have a partner. I cannot imagine WHY those eggs were not frozen fertilized. It is 100 times easier to freeze and thaw an embryo than an egg. It is very simple to freeze sperm. Something about the sperm makes the freezing and thawing process easier. They have been having success with taking a slice of the ovary of the woman with the undeveloped eggs in it, freezing that, and then surgically placing that back into the ovary at a later date. The whole scenario just makes no sense. And what was up with the dead wife's sister going to be mommy to the baby, not aunt, and they call the press to shout about it as a positive? Completely unrealistic, and if it were to happen, illegal. Thanks to HIPAA, privacy laws are very strict, and the doctor would be open to huge sanctions if they just call the papers without getting permission from the patient first. Did the Doctor EVEN think about what would happen to the baby in the future when it is know how his conception and pregnancy occurred?
• The doctor tells his patients that once they have their baby, the infertility treatments will all be a bad memory and they will forget it. That again is not true. Getting pregnant, having a baby, or adopting a child DO NOT resolve the feelings and issues surrounding infertility. This is likened to having a baby, it dies, and replacing it with another child. Infertility has its own set of grief, pain, issues and stresses, and these are not just swept away by becoming a parent. Look at what happened to Brooke Shields, he FINALLY had her longed for IVF baby, and ended up having postpartum depression. Here baby did not cure her miscarriage or take away her pain on this. Her baby did not remove her pain from the years to treatments, and the disappointment of seeing her period when she REALLY wanted to not see it. Her baby did not remove her grief over the years she did not have a child. It is not that easy. Telling people that it is that easy does a GREAT disservice to those pursuing treatments. What happens to them when they still have pain after giving birth?
• In the show, they showed sperm sitting unlocked in a fridge. I've seen how they store sperm at my clinic. It is frozen in little pipettes, and kept under lock and key. Several layers of security exist, and no one person holds all the keys to get to the sperm. Sperm is processed and frozen the same day it is produced. Quality and other factors demand this. Sperm is not kept in specimen bottles in an unlocked fridge for some undetermined amount of time. Sperm is labeled and coded. Names are not on the pipettes, bar codes are. Again, there are several layers of protection to ensure that the sperm you get is the sperm you wanted. I highly doubt that a spurned office worker could switch the sperm. From what I saw, it can't happen. Side note, it appears she obtained his sperm sample by giving him a BJ, and spitting the sperm into the specimen cup. Well, saliva is very harmful to sperm. Why, you ask? One of the main ingredients in semen is fructose, and saliva begins to digest this in your mouth. So saliva starts digesting the sperm, if the oral method of retrieval is used, while it is in the cup. When we went for the semen analysis, we were instructed to not use saliva in any form. Another day, I'll post what fun getting a semen sample is. Saliva is also full of bacteria, and if it were to be inserted into the uterus, well, it could cause all sorts of infections.
• Most couples who pursue infertility treatments succeed before they need IVF. I would hate for America to get the impression that IVF is the only treatment out there. Several less invasive and expensive treatments exist and are successful in achieving pregnancy.

I'm not even going to touch the fact that they are making surrogacy seem very routine. Surrogacy is VERY rare. It is illegal in several states. I'm also not going to talk about the fact they are running a surrogacy program at the same location as a fertility clinic. These are usually run in separate locations. They may use certain doctors, but they are usually separate entities.

It appears this show was written by people who have NO current knowledge of modern infertility practice. They appear to have no desire to show what real infertility treatment is like, rather they are going for the sensational and absurd. This performs a GREAT disservice to the many people who have to seek help getting pregnant. I hope that no one is turned away from treatment by this biased and inaccurate show. It should have a disclaimer, that this show has no real bearing on real infertility treatment.

I have been very satisfied by the care I received from my reproductive endocrinologist(RE). However to read another view of an office visit with him, click here. Her experience is toward the bottom, and she calls him "Big Shot RE" which I think I will call him as well. I feel pretty bad about how they were treated, because I referred them to him, based on my very positive experience with him. WHY does it matter who you love when you want to get pregnant? I feel a bit like a traitor to my friends, but if I have to go for fertility treatments, I'll go see him because he is very good. I will give him a piece of my mind in my next visit about how he treated my friends, and request he be more sensitive to families where there are same sex parents. The desire to parent is not limited to the married community, and my friends had the same goal as DH and I do. They wanted, and succeeded, to become parents. Off soap box, sorry for the sideline.

If you really want to know what infertility treatment is like, check out Resolve.org

Fun with the Army a rant

Can I just have a big screaming temper tantrum for a minute?


I hate the Army. I hate the Army. I hate the Army. I hate the Army. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate the Army. I hate the Army. I hate the Army. I hate the Army. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

I hate our fucking idiot in charge, GWB.

DH's unit let him know TODAY, that he has to be there TOMORROW for SRP (paperwork needed before they deploy, the last step before orders are written). Why the fuck could they have not done this on a drill weekend? Because they are going to deploy damn quick, that is my guess. We were told that after Christmas the deployment will happen, but with the Elections in December, I bet he is gone before Halloween...

He is in freaking college, he has class. What FUBAR (fucked up beyond recognition) is this crap?

I hate the loss of control. I hate the thought of my love and I being separated. I am just pissed and upset. I've held in the freaking out for several hours, here it is. Stomping foot, Stomping foot, Stomping foot.

I just want to SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM .


I cannot imagine living without him for 18 months. I will go freaking insane. I cannot imagine how I will handle worrying about him. I cannot deal with this all right now. I am almost petrified.

Yeah I know he signed up, blah, blah blah. I don't want to hear truck up and drive on. I am scared, hurt, worried, and freaking out.

PS. Someday I will talk about something other than the Army and GWB, but not today.

The War is Over!!!!

I'm declaring the war in Iraq over. "Mission Accomplished" We've "stayed the course". We've searched high and low for the weapons of mass distraction, oops distraction. None found. Saddam is done. Once they have a constitution, we need to just pack up and leave. No more dead Americans. No more flag draped coffins. No more wounded men, men and women who are at their prime, and come home with half their limbs. No more soldiers coming home and going out of their minds because of the PTSD. No more tearful goodbyes and separations so that the soldiers can go fight jihad.

The chief idiot in charge won't do it, so I will. State the mission is done. The problem is that since no one knows what the goal is, no one knows when they have reached it. Is the goal a constitution? Is the goal running water and power to everyone? Is the goal a TV in every room, two cars in the driveway, and endless discussion because the Iraqi version of Brittany Spears had a baby with her trailer trash husband? What is the goal?

John Lennon did it, and now I am. The war is over. No one won. Everyone lost something, some lost all. Everyone on the first plane home.

Our beloved president recently said "When your talking about war, your talking about peace." Right. He was itching to start a war since he was elected. If he could, he would invade Canada. He's love to start another war to distract the people. We are now dealing with his failed response to hurricane Katrina, so I think it is time to "wag the dog" and start some new battle elsewhere to distract us all from the fact that one of the largest cities in the USA turned into a third world. He tried tonight in his speech in front of a building that looked like he was standing in front of the castle at Disneyland. He tried to recapture the leadership and strength he demonstrated when he stood on the rubble and told the fire fighters he could hear them. He failed.

Did you notice his "my sleeves are rolled up and I left my tie on the plane" blue oxford? Did you notice how wrinkle free and pressed that shirt looked? It looked freshly starched and pressed. Did you notice the lack of sweat on that shirt? He is in New Orleans for crying out loud. It is humid and hot there. Did you notice how perfectly his sleeves were rolled up? No shuzzing there. All show, no substance. We have seen him all messed up clearing brush on his ranch, why is he not proud of a dirty sweaty shirt when he is helping others?

Anyway, the war is over. We lost it when he was given the presidency by the Supreme Court, and when he was re-elected.

Double Standard

Sorry about turning on the comment verification. I got my first taste of comment spam today, and when I clicked on the link it went to an adult site. Nice. Thank God I did that at home, not work.

So I'm going to a conference on Friday and Saturday. I for some really dumb reason volunteered to go as a chaperone for 16 and 17 year olds. I had all sorts of great reasons like I want to get noticed so I can get promoted. Well, I got promoted, so now what? Anyway I do like teenagers, I just expect to not get much sleep.

So, as I've mentioned before DH is in the Army, and facing a deployment. He just came back from being gone for a months worth of training, and goes for a weekend once a month. In fact he goes next weekend, which is his birthday weekend.

So I am going overnight to this conference. I'll be gone all day Friday and most of Saturday. And someone who is facing being gone for 18 months is complaining that he will be lonely and does not know what he will do. Can you say double standard? He said he worries about my safety and will miss me. Well, when he is gone, I miss him and worry about his safety. So turn about is fair play. Maybe this will be a taste of what I go through when he goes away.

He's doing better after we had a long conversation about this. It has made me wonder, that why does he get the adventures and I don't. Next time I get invited to Vegas without him, I'm going. I'm going to this conference because it will be good for my career, and it will be good for my burnout to get to be around kids in a fun setting.

There is another conference, this time for adults the last weekend of the month. They will pay for one hotel night, I may go to that one as well.

Maybe if I got a tan....

Ok, this is try two because my browser crashed. I’ll blog about Microsoft some other day. I’ll also do a better job of updating this on a more regular basis.

Dh asked what I was going to do with what I write. I’ll compile them and write a book called Misadventures in Child Welfare, and publish it under the name Jane Doh. (like what Homer Simpson says). I use sarcasm liberally in this blog entry.

So today, I have a meeting with a client. She is a royal bitch. Everything is someone else’s fault, nothing is her fault. She has someone to blame for everything. She has a huge chip on her against the world. I am her second worker. She was so horrible to her last worker, that she got a new worker. Her children are in foster care. I am amazed at how this mean, nasty and angry woman managed to raise such wonderful, kind, and caring children as she has. (except for the one which is a clone of her mother.) Even her oldest son, who has a drug problem and a criminal record is a really good kid and is working really hard at his treatment program.

The meeting today was about why she was not having unsupervised visits. Why does she not have unsupervised visits you ask? Lets see….
1) She has supposedly completed anger management, but I’ve had to hang up on her several times because she has flown off the handle and is yelling and screaming at me.
2) I don’t trust her to not emotionally abuse her children, or berate them. She has a trigger hair temper, and can just blow up. If she can’t manage to not yell and scream at me or the therapist, how can I trust her to manage herself with her mouthy daughter, mild mannered son, or very curious daughter?
3) She is continuing to violate a no contact order.
4)I don’t trust her to not sabotage the working relationship I have worked hard to create with her children.

I tried to explain the reasons I was not comfortable with unsupervised visits. I tried to push part of the blame for the lack of the change onto the Guardian as Litem, the children’s lawyer. Sorry, but that is how the system works. If I’m not comfortable, I can bet you a million dollars the GAL will not be either.
So this is a super productive and positive meeting. At one point, I threatened to leave. I can usually take notes on my PDA, and participate in the meeting, but not this one. I gave up and turned on the recorder on my PDA, which recorded until it ran out of memory. My PDA is now having serious problems working which I will hopefully resolve when I sync it tomorrow.

The mom threatens (not in these words, but it is understood) to give up if she does not get her way. That’s a great way to give it to the child welfare system. Fuck your service plan and give up and ensure your kids stay in foster care. Yup that will show DCFS. She also is hinting she’ll get her oldest son to give up.
She has complaints about everything. She twists everything around, and the accuses me of twisting, not being truthful, or hiding the facts. She is a MASTER manipulator. I have a sex offending teen who wants to be just like her. Yeah.

One thing I have failed to mention at this point is that the entire family is Native American. They are members of one of the largest tribes.

At this point, her sister pipes up. She asks why they don’t have a Native American caseworker. OH, Pick me (hand waving in the air.) Because DCFS keeps them locked in a closet? Because the state of Utah is full of Racist pigs? Or is it because we don’t have a Native American caseworker? Ding, Ding Ding, you win what is behind door number two!!!

So they then proceed to tell me that the children won’t tell me anything because I am white. They don’t trust Whitey. (their words.) The sister said that if I was black or even if I had darker skin, I would work better. She was using her hands on her arms like she was rubbing lotion on her arms, maybe suggesting I use a self tanner? Well, then I’ll just go figure out a way to change my DNA to suit you. I tried to explain to them that race is not taken into account when assigning cases. They thought that was interesting, and wrote it down to use against me. They also wrote down that I have cases of different backgrounds on my caseload. She again wrote this down to use against me. I did not tell them that cases are usually assigned to the worker with the least cases and I was assigned her case because the manager flattered me into saying how I can handle the hard cases.

So now, they want a new caseworker, because I am a racist just because I am white. For the record, I am very pale skinned. I’m of Irish descent. If it helps, whenever I procreate, my children will have darker skin because DH is Mexican…. (I did not mention this.) The sister said that the children were afraid and would not trust Whitey. They are telling the mother all sorts of horror stories about the foster home. As a result of the mother’s request, I had a child protection worker conduct full child protection interviews on the children. They disclosed absolutely NOTHING. I pointed this out to the mother, and even that they did not appear scared, and that one of them got out her new Hilary Duff CD and pointed out her favorite songs and showed off her new purse. Scared kids say not a thing, they don't just get out CD’s and talk Hilary Duff with the interviewer. They said they are not going to sit and cower in front of Whitey, they act strong. Basically, they said this 12 year old is aware of race enough to be afraid and cover it? Only if they are carefully taught. I asked them who taught them to have distrust of whites. OF course there was no answer to that one. They said it is their way. Nice, so racism is ok. Great thing to teach your children. Teach them to fear and hate a good part of the population because of the color of their skin. Great. Don’t trust the white man, that was also said. She must have a blast at court, where everyone is white. She does live in one of the least diverse counties in Utah, so what does she expect?

One more thing, the mother asked if I have children. Ummm, I’m smarter than to answer that question. I said that we are here to talk about her and her family, not about my life. She keep on with this, and I again said my standard response when I feel this info will be used against me. She assumed that I have no children. I stated that is not what I said. She then said that the last worker said she doesn’t have children, she has 3 cats. (Well so do I, so that is the problem.) She then spread her legs and used her hands to mimic a child coming out of her and said that if I have not felt them come from my body, I have no idea. She asked how I would feel having my children ripped from me. I said that if I have children or not, I don’t know what it feels like to have my children in foster care, so I would never say I know what that feels like. She said that if I don’t have children, I have no business working in child welfare. So she wants my employer to discriminate too? She threatened to call the tribe and have them take over. FINE, let them have her. I adore the children, but the tribe can have the mom.

Imagine if I had said that I could not work with them because they are Native American? I’d get fired. Even if I was the client and she was the worker, it would be awful to say that I could not work with a Native American worker. Why is it ok for them to be blatantly racist, and not a white person? Why can they request a new worker based on race, when as an unwritten rule white racists get assigned a worker of color, (or me a race traitor as I have been called)? What the Fuck is this Shit? A co-worker has a case where they are refugees, are we supposed to find a refugee to be their caseworker? Utah is SO diverse, that should not be a problem. Right.

So, because I’m not a Native American or a mother I am worthless to them. Sure, my people were not driven off my ancestral lands, but neither was this mother. This happened to her ancestors, not her. My people were persecuted, had an extermination order signed against them, and had to flee across America to Utah for peace, but she has the monopoly on this one. I am white, but since I acquired a Hispanic last name, I have noticed a difference between how I am treated. I get ID’d tons more, etc. Am I discriminated against, not usually, but it exists.

Why does skin color mean that much? You can’t help it, get over it. I can’t change my color, and would not want to as much as they can’t change their color or would not want to. I may not know what it is like to have my children come into foster care, but I have grieved over the fact I have no children. Do all rape counselors have to be rape victims to be successful? No. How about sex offender treatment? Does the therapist need to be a sex offender to treat an offender? Horse shit.

As much as my dad was a lousy dad, he taught me to not see color and to respect people on who they are, not what they look like. Maybe since he taught me that, he was a fairly successful dad.

The staple remover by the copier.

WHY can people not leave communal office supplies in the communal area? In my office, we have a staple remover which is NEVER by the copier. The stapler is always missing too. I don't work in a penny pinching office, we get what we need. If someone needs a staple remover, they can ask for one. Same with the stapler, tape dispenser, etc.

Where I work, we use company cars. The rule is to fill them up at half a tank. This is so that in an emergency, the state has a fleet of half full cars, rather than a fleet of cars on E. We are all busy where I work. It is a regular occurrence to find the cars below half.

In another office, someone constantly took the three hole punch from my desk. I needed to use it several times a day. First I put a do not remove sign on it. It grew legs and wandered off. Then I used some yarn to tie it to my desk. Someone cut the yarn I ended up using wire to attach it to my desk. That finally left it in place.

It comes down to a lack of common courtesy. People think they need something, and don't want to be bothered getting it the right way. They don't think of the person who comes after them. They don't remember their manners. They just think about what is in their best interests. They are busy, so they will take the easy path.

Maybe we could remember what we learned in school. Share. Wash your hands. Be thoughtful. Think of others. Be kind.

Why I hate being a child welfare social worker:

Why I hate being a child welfare social worker:

1) I am not Solomon. I do not have his wisdom. I am often placed in the position of being asked to make impossible recommendations, choices. Remember when Solomon was going to cut the baby in half, and the baby’s real mother (I hate that term) stopped him. She would have rather had the baby be raised by someone else rather than cut into two. I have rarely seen someone step up and go, you can do this better you raise her. Rather they both fight over the child.

2) I have so much damn paperwork to do. It is overwhelming. I have ADHD, and it is nearly impossible to manage all the deadlines. There is so much nit-picking going on.

3) I am micro-managed. See above. My logs and work are constantly up for criticism and “constructive criticism.” I know I am not perfect, but we have reviews, pre-reviews, post reviews, monthly reviews with the supervisor, admin just reading your cases to see what is going on.

4) It is so stressful. So often, I can see both sides, and am expected to help people find the right decision. Sometimes what the law states does not agree with what is “right” and sometimes what is “right” does not jive with the law. Sometimes neither is clear.

5) People love to personally attack the social worker. I am talked down to, ignored, and hollered at when some other agency does something. I have people consistently violate my personal space, yesterday my arm was grabbed and I was held there while the uncle explained his point of view. People come right up and talk to me in my face. People insult me, my family. I have been hit, spit on, hugged several times in an uncomfortable manner, hit on, asked out, had my butt grabbed. I love people, and there are times where touch is very important. There are times, like when you are coughing and picking your nose, where I don’t want you anywhere near me.

6) People always want to know how I would feel. I have no idea. I know loss and grief, but I don’t know what it is like to have a child in foster care. There is no right answer to that question.

7) I have to work with lawyers who think they are social workers, and want to run the case.

8) I get pressure from upper management to get cases moving, get children adopted, etc, when people just need time. They have not worked cases for so long, etc they have no clue what it is like now.

9) I hate having so many ways for people to yell at me. I am yelled at in person, on email, on the phone, to my supervisor, on the cell, on my voice mail.

10) Have you ever seen a positive portrayal of a child welfare social worker on TV or in the media? Nope did not think so. Need a rotten person to screw up a family, call a social worker. They ignore the dedication and hard work that is done on behalf of the abused children of our country. They ignore the sleepless nights, stress, high blood pressure, anti-depressant use, personal money spent, time off the clock spent to help the children and families on our cases.

11) My caseload is SUPPOSED to be 15. I am at 21. I get no leeway on the paperwork or allowances. No overtime. I would not work it anyway, I NEED time with my family. Just somehow cram it all in.

12) I see the failed war on drugs. I see the damage caused by these poisons. Meth is another way to say "voluntarily destroy my life and family."

Maybe tomorrow or later I will write what I like about being a child welfare worker. It does have its good points as well.

Infertility, war, and pain.

I have such mixed feelings right now. (K&T, this is not about you, I am so happy for you.) Two of my friends just had a lovely baby girl. She is so cute and cuddly. She has a lot of cute silky black hair. She is so precious.

So I go to see them at the Hospital. (“Gotta go see the baby”, Seinfeld reference.) They were so happy. The baby has jaundice, and has to be under the lights. She does not like being there, she wants to be held and cuddled. So, after I got there she got really fussy, and I got to hold her for a bit. It was heaven holding such a new life. I cuddled her tight and told her she was loved. She calmed right down, not because she knew me or anything like that, but because she was being held. I sat and rocked her for about 10 minutes. I looked at her little face and she is so pretty. Her eyes are purple. The nurse came in, and I basically bolted from the room. I think I might have been rude for how fast I took off. I made a lame excuse and gave the baby back and bolted.

Here is why. The baby is a biracial baby. She looked almost exactly what I have pictured DH’s and my baby to look like. The features were different, but she is the same coloring and hair type as I have imagined that my baby will look like.

See, DH and I have tried to have a baby for years. In summary, here are our attempts:

2 year Anniversary: We decide to stop taking the pill, and let nature take it’s course. I temp and chart until I get mad one morning and throw the thermometer across the room.

2 years later: I contact a reproductive endocrinologist. He has a 6-month wait to see him. While I wait, my GP refers me over to the OB/GYN at the clinic. DH has a semen analysis, which said he is fine I get loads of tests run. I have a GTT, tons of blood work, and then a hysterosalpingram(HSG). It was super painful and uncomfortable. It showed that I have a deformed uterus. (Something an earlier ultrasound had shown, but no one had told me this.) I google this, and then demand a MRI. I get the MRI. The nurse practioner who I had been seeing kept saying I had a bicorniate uterus, and there was nothing to be done. But she also said that I had a septate uterus, and there are things that can be done about this. Basically, my uterus had a big ol’ septum in it, like the one in your nose. I’ve had it since birth, but it was growing. It was so big, there was no way that sperm could get anywhere near an egg, if it had wanted to. The septum was curled around blocking the cervix. . My periods would start, stop, and start again based on where the septum was. I now know that I could feel the dang thing. The RN wanted me to try a clomid cycle, to see if I would ovulate and get pregnant, and to see how long the pregnancy would last. Well, knowing that I have a huge thing in there taking space, I declined to be her human experiment. What if I had gotten pregnant and lost the pregnancy?

About then is when we meet with the RE. He think the septum can be fixed and wants more tests. Fun with another semen analysis. I have a septate uterus, not a bicorniate one.

April, 2004 I have surgery to fix my septate uterus.

September 2004 I have pain in that area. I think I have a cyst. I am off BCP for the first time in months, TTC. After an ultrasound, I meet with the doctor. He asks how I am doing, and I am honest. I am a wreck. I have had depression in the past, and it is back full gear. Back on the BCP while the depression is worked out. I start therapy and medication.

December 2004: at the Christmas party for DH’s military unit, they say if you want to procreate now is the time before a possible deployment. I am not ready at this time.

April 2005: I have foot surgery.

June 2005: DH leaves for a month for military training.

August 2005: We decide to TTC next month, after I get some things checked out. Then he goes to drill. They state in formation that a deployment is coming January to March. Bombshell.

If I were to get pregnant now, I would be by myself for the entire pregnancy and first year of our child’s life. DH would miss everything. He would come home to find drastic changes in our lives. He would come home to a child he does not know, and who does not know him. He would come home to a wife who has never been a wife and mother together. He would come home to find his wife is now a mother, and she has changed. He would be a father and husband, never having been both together, and basically having a year off from doing both at the same time. He is looking at a 12-18 month deployment, or however long the army keeps him there. He might not come home. He could come home wounded, with PTSD, or both.

We had a hard enough time with adjusting when he came home after a month, and nothing major happened. I don’t think that the transition to him being home with a new child, wife who’s now a mother, and he’s a father to a child who is in prime clinging stage would be successful at all. On top of this, we would have the baggage of the deployment to deal with. A great fear is that he would never really bond with the baby, want another one quickly, and then bond with the second baby. All this is assuming that we have no TTC difficulties.

I don’t know if my marriage is strong enough to survive all that. Our marriage is strong, but that seems like a lot to deal with.

I have realized there is the high probability that I will not have children until I am 30. I likely have another 2 years of being childless. That is so hard to handle. I am ready now. Things that were not right, are right now. Why this wrench? Why this struggle? What do I further have to learn from this trial? Why is God giving us this trial?

I realized that I am grieving. Grieving for the child I hoped to have in 9 months. Grieving for the thought of my husband going to fight in a war I do not agree with. Grieving for my life as it was. Grieving for the fairy tail. Grieving for the pregnancy I want to have. Grieving for the time that was lost because of health needs. Grieving for the time that was spent getting me better emotionally. Grieving for my longed for, imagined child.

I’m also thinking the “what ifs”. What if I had not had the septum problem? What if I had not gotten depressed? What if DH was not in the military? What if GWB had not started this damn war so he could get re-elected? What if DH dies? What if DH gets wounded? What if DH gets PTSD so bad we can no longer be together, or it is no longer safe for him to be a dad? What if we never have children?

If he leaves, our lives will change. Things will change between us. We will spend a year or longer having completely lives. I will live in safety, getting a masters degree. He will live in hell, worrying when the next attack will come, wondering if his turn is next. We will wonder how the other is doing, and how to keep things together. I realized we might never have children together. What a loss. He is scared of becoming a father, but he will make a wonderful father. I know this because he has made a wonderful husband.

I love him, and want nothing more than for him to not have to go. If he does go, I will do my best to figure out how to be a good wife to someone I never see. I’ll send letters, packages, emails. I’ll talk on the phone and on the IM. I won’t get as much support from him because of the demands of the military life. He’ll get daily letters, I’ll be lucky to get something weekly. I understand this. I’ll be told to thank him for his service and sacrifice, with no mention of mine. Is this enough to maintain a relationship? I don’t know.

So that is were I am. I freaked out holding a precious infant. She looked like my baby could have looked like. I want a little girl so bad. I want a little boy as well. I likely won’t get to see what my infant looks like for some time. I won’t get to feel the baby inside of me, get funky cravings, and participate in giving life for some time. I won’t get to see my husband hold our child for some time. This is a hard burden to carry.

Bush and Babies

Again, the Bush adminstration is admitting they failed to plan for the so-called peace after the invasion. To read the story, click here. I am so angry at the way Americans were lied too. I cannot believe that there are people out there who still support Bush.

On to another topic, I want to know when I became my husband's personal errand runner. So this is drill weekend. He ran out of here late, after spending several hours packing his gear for a hike today. He KNEW he needed to get his PT (exercise uniform) ready, because he had me wash it. Well, guess what he forgot... his running shoes. So he calls me at 8:00 (on a Sunday, no less) and asks me to bring them down. I really wanted to say no, I'm not driving to Salt Lake City to drop off your shoes. This is a 2 hour round trip. But if I don't he gets into trouble. He wanted me to get them there by noon. Well.... I read a magazine and fell asleep. So I get ready to go, and leave about noon. He calls me as I am leaving, and was a bit unhappy they were not there already. However, he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut, because he already knew I was close to saying no. I drive down there, and give him the shoes. He is really nice to me, and tells me that I look really good. I give him his shoes, and he gave me a kiss. I really love him which is a good thing, or I would so fed up. This is the second time I have had to drive to SLC because he forgot something, but last time I had to drive way south and it was a 3 hour round trip.

Last week I was REALLY pushing him to TTC. He said no. I'm doing Weight Watchers, and still have about 30 pounds to go. I want to have a baby now. So I pushed him, and he said yes. Then I read an article about how to prepare to get pregnant, and now I am saying wait. I need to get on the prenatals, get my teeth bleached, get my vaccines updated, etc. I really should lose about 10 or 20 more pounds. I am just tired of waiting to try again. Maybe next month we will TTC. Right now, back on the Yasmin.

Bored Saturday

I have tons I should do, but I'm not. I'm rather bored.

I posted this on a BB I am on. I just want to raise my voice in protest.

My opinion....
The American people were lied to. Starting this was rushed, and the Adminsitration did not care that they were ticking off the entire world. Had they tried a little diplomacy with countries which are usually American Allies, I think we could have got more help.
I think they really thought that the people would greet the Americans with open arms, and failed to plan for the time after they had control. Are we doing good things there? Yes. Are we doing bad things there? Yes (ie. Abu Gahrab) Are we forgetting many examples of the past? Yes. I am worried we are forcing our culture and values on them, just as America tried to do with the Native Americans in the name of Manifest Destiny.

We should NEVER have gone there. Bush is headed to my town next week. Guess who has the day off and plans to head there with my stop Bush sign? ME!

HOWEVER, we are there now. I HATE to say this, but we CANNOT just up and leave. The job must be finished. I wish they would remember that we have lots of bombs and bomb the smack out of the insurgents. Mine the border with Syria and stop in influx of Terrorists. One of my big angers with how this war is being run is that I believe that too many soldiers are dying because they are too busy trying to fight a politically correct war, which is impossible to do.

Example... The checker at the BX stated her son is over there. He builds buildings with cement. What is a key ingredient in cement? Sand. What do they have an endless supply of over there? Sand? Why is her son spending a lot of time playing X-Box? Because the sand there is HOLY SAND, and they cannot use it to build. They are waiting for sand to be shipped to Iraq, so they can build a mess which will become a school when they leave. We are shipping SAND to the SAND BOX! BTW, He is in Iraq, not Mecca or any place like that. Oh, and the Iraqi, they us the sand to build everything. We are so worried about how to treat the Koran, we have forgotten that war is hell.

I 100% support the soldiers. My support for them is strong and fast. It is the president and his administration for which I have no trust or support.

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." — President Theodore Roosevelt

There are some who feel that because my DH is in the Army, I am mandated to agree with the president. I disagree.

Had a lovely night with DH last night. He is such a kind and giving man. It was an amazing night. I love him even more each day. (Sappy, I know)

The start of an adventure!

I finally got a blog! It took me FOREVER to pick a name for this little experiment, but I finally though of the nick name that my grandpa had for me. He would call me Wendy Jean the Jelly Bean. He and have the same birthday, so we were really close. It is hard to believe that he has been dead for 10 years last March.

My 10 year renuion is next weekend. I have NO desire to go at all. I don't have a lot of positive memories of then. I am completely different person than I was. I am very happy in my life now, and can see no benefit from a walk down memory lane. High School was a painful time for me. Why revisit it when today is so much sweeter? Anyway, those types of functions ALWAYS bring up the fact that DH and I don't have children. I am sick of people thinking we are newlyweds, having marital difficulties, or I am too obsessed with my career to have babies. Guess what, the egg won't release to meet the sperm.

I really pushed DH earlier this week about TTC again. First he was saying no. Then he agreed. Then I read a magazine about how to prepare to get pregnant, and I said no. One more month on the Yasmin. I'm taking prenatals, gonna bleach the teeth, get highlights, get blood work done, get my vaccines updated, then TTC. I still need to lose about 30 pounds to get to my ideal weight. 10 pounds would push me from obese to overweight on the BMI scale. I just got too excited, and was racing.

I had a week from hell. I worked way more than I am allowed to. I only wrote down 40. I am really angry at myself about that. Then management thinks this insane job can actually be done in 40 hours. My mileage is huge, so we'll have money to buy a single one of DH's text books. HAHA.

So that's my blog. I've wanted one forever, and I finally have one.