Crikey, what a life

Last night, the Discovery Channel showed the last documentary that Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, filmed. They also showed several episodes of the TV show. It was a very moving night of television. Steve lived his life with such joy and enthusiasm. They showed one episode where he went to Antarctica and he was able to swim with penguins and then humpback whales. He was so enthusiastic, you almost forget he was floating on an iceberg. He tried sliding down the hill like the penguin. He talked about the circle of life, how the bigger animals eat the little ones, but the little ones are able to get some protection. A elephant seal tried to chase him, and he laughingly told it "I'm a land mammal, you are not going to catch me." after calling it naughty and gorgeous.

I so admire his enthusiasm for life. He found something to be passionate about in everything. Even when he was talking about a whaling plant as a shame of history, he was excited that the volcano was reclaiming the land.

I hugged Vince and Sydney tighter last night. There are no guarantees. Princess Diana died in a car accident. Ronald Regan got Alzheimer's. Eva Peron had ovarian cancer. Steve was killed by a sting ray, in an atmosphere much safer than a lot of things he did in his life, like chase snakes. Life is fragile. The man who held cobras and green mambas in his hand, wrestled with the largest crocs on the planet, and narrated for us at home the whole time was killed while swimming with an animal known for being peaceful and safe.

He seemed to be someone who feel in head first. He loved with all his heart. He loved his family. He loved his animals. He loved life.

One episode they showed was first shown in 2004, called Confessions of the Crocodile Hunter. It had very candid interviews with Steve, Terri, and other family members. It talked about his pain at the death of his mom. Steve talked about Teri nursing baby Bob. They went into the truth behind the "baby Bob incident." It showed clips of Terri giving birth to baby Bob. While they were wheeling her into the hospital, the narrator said something like "after several strict conception procedures" about the pregnancy. Makes me wonder.... Did the Irwin's deal with infertility? Bindi was born in 1998, baby Bob 2003. It makes me sad when I hear of anyone having infertility problems, as I know the pain. I tried googling and found nothing. I hope they did not have this trial, but I'd bet good money they did. How sad for them, and for everyone else who deals with this burden.

This adds a layer of substance, depth, and humanity to Steve and Teri.

Rest in Peace Steve, the world is a better place because you were here. Thank you for showing me the good side of crocs and snakes. I will try to find my passion and live every day to the fullest.

Teri, Bindi, Bob, baby Bob, and Wes my deepest condolences on the loss of someone you love so much. It must be very hard to lose someone with as much presence as Steve. I miss him and I never met him. I cannot imagine your pain.

Unsolicited Parenting advice

Why is it that people seem to have the need to give unsolicited parenting advice? Am I doing such a bad job that I scream I need help with this? Is there a sign I can't see saying that I'm such a bad mom my baby is about to die?

I think I'm doing a good job at this. Sydney's pediatrician tells us how good she looks. R, Sydney's day care provider, tells me how happy and well adjusted my baby is. Sydney wears clean clothing appropriate for the weather, has had a bath within the last 48 hours (every day dries out her skin), always rides in her car seat. Her cries are attended to in a fairly quick manner, I breast feed her at will, we read to her daily, we have her involved in our daily lives, etc. She is growing, gaining weight, developing, is happy, has bright inquisitive eyes, and is very loved. I think she is doing fine.

HOWEVER, because I can't seem to get her to sleep in her own bed, you would think I'm the world's worse mom, EVER. My mom thinks I should get Ferber and let her cry it out. Frankly, no judgement on anyone who did this, I think CIO is bad, bad, bad. My MIL thinks I should play her Mozart and that will help her sleep in her own bed. I can't hear her cry and not do something about it. Great one more thing I should be doing that I'm not. Sydney listens to classical music when I'm in the mood for it while we drive. Sometimes we listen to Shakira or the Black Eyed Peas. Sometimes we listen to talk radio. Sometimes I just listen to her talk. Johnny Cash has a very calming effect on her, so we listen to the man in black on a fairly regular basis. She's been exposed to Elvis, Kenny Rogers, Celine Dion, Usher and all the other eclectic mix which resides on my Ipod. There is plenty of Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, and Vivaldi on there. I believe there are 4 or 5 MoTab cd's on there. So now because I don't listen to Mozart 24/7, I'm sorta neglectful, or as my MIL said "she should listen to more of that. I'll get you a CD." No please don't get me a CD because I have versions I like and get uppity when something like Beethoven's majestic 9th symphony is performed badly. Music snob yes I am.

I'm not going around wearing a sign saying "We co-sleep and I'm begging for advice from anyone and everyone." I really try to keep it on the down low that this is going on. It seems that EVERYONE thinks that how the baby sleeps is a good judge of how you mother, so it seems everyone asks about this. I try to hem and haw about this, but no, she does not sleep though the night. The only way I know how to get Sydney to sleep is to nurse her to sleep. She like to nurse on and off during the night. I don't have a problem with this. I'm away from her all day, I think having her next to me all night is a good way to reconnect and bond with her. Plus she has gotten good at finding my nipple without my help, so sometimes I don't even have to wake up. It feels very nice to know she is right next to me, just fine.

I just want to scream "If this is a problem for you, do what works for your family. This is what is working for mine, and I don't need any help with it. "

All this advice makes me question how I'm mothering. It makes me worry that I am doing something wrong. I am trying to go with the flow and follow Sydney's lead. We do what is working for us. This advice makes me wonder if they think I'm doing a bad job, and it leads me to question my mothering skills. There is so much to worry about as a mother. I just wish my mom or MIL would tell me they think I'm doing a good job at this. All this "advice" leads me to think they believe I'm not doing a good job.

Not on my Blog

I have a damn ad for formula on my blog.

I hope I got it blocked.

If you see one, please email me at intorainbowz at hotmaildotcom. Right click on the ad link , copy target or link location, and paste that into your email. I have the ad blocked.

Not like anyone clicks on the ads, I've had 2 clicks the entire time they have been there.

It just ticked this lactivist off to come on here and find an ad for formula. GRRRRR

I KNOW there are women who must formula feed, please don't be offended by my next statement, K?

There are so many things in common between the formula companies and the tobacco industry it is scary. These companies actively sabotage nursing the world over. Babies die because they are not nursed. Formula is recalled. Water is bad in Africa. Our government is very bad at catering to the formula industry. I firmly believe those in power are putting profits over babies.

I'll never vote for Mitt Romney. Massachusetts had banned the bags given to mother's leaving the hospitals. He overturned that ban. Those bags are not given out because formula companies are nice, they want customers. They know that if they get a baby onto formula, mom will lose her milk, then they have a client for a year or so. EVEN if there is no formula in the bag, mothers will select that brand of formula if they switch. I'm too lazy to find the link for that. Those bags are an active tool in sabotaging a brand new nursing relationship.


No violating the WHO Code of Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes on MY blog, thank you very much.

Bit sad

Today I went to visit a client at her job site, a national chain craft store. While there, I browsed the scrapbooking supplies, as I'm ALWAYS in the market, especially for military scrapbooking supplies.

Looking around, there were stickers for everything. I saw one with terms on it for expectant moms. It had several word phrases on it. These included the following:

• Overdue
• Labor Pains
• Contractions
• What a belly!
• Where are my feet?
• Ultrasound!

This just made me sad. I feel I missed out. I barely showed. I could always find my feet. I never felt a contraction. I did not labor. Ultrasounds were not fun, they were stressful and worrysome. I did not go overdue.

Sigh.

It just hit me for what I missed. I should be grateful blah, blah, blah. Today I'm sad. I know there are people a lot worse than me, and I'm having a pity party. Oh well.

It is hard to put my feelings about this into words. I'm still grieving. That is a hard thing to admit as I have a daughter, alive and healthy. Why can't I just be glad for that and move on? I just feel stuck. It's hard to realize how close we came to losing someone who is so much an integral part of my life. I cannot imagine life without her. It takes my breath away how much I love her.

For a couple of pictures of Sydney, please visit DawnJuan's blog, linked to the left....

I hate pumping.

There I said it.

I hate pumping.
I love nursing.
I just hate pumping.

I had to pump from the very start. There has rarely been a day, except for a few weekends, when I have not pumped daily. My job is much more compatible with pumping and I even have a lock on my door. It's not a logistical issue anymore for pumping problems. It is emotional.

Until about 2 months ago, I had quite the stash of breast milk, pumped from when Sydney was in the NICU eating about 8 ounces a day and I was pumping 30. That milk lasted forever, it seemed. I had tons. I had it stashed at my mom's house, and we could not have ice cream, because there was no room in the freezer for it. So once Sydney was home and finally nursing, I only pumped at work. I would get about 12 ounces a day or so, but this never bothered me, as I had PLENTY to use. I'm down to 8 ounces or less a day. Part of that is because I only pump, and I pump late in the day, but I just can't emotionally "get it up" for pumping 3 times a day.

I now have no stash. I'm only a day ahead, because I forgot to take her milk to day care one day last week. Thankfully R had a frozen bag there, because my day was so hectic, I had no time to get more to her. R tried to feed Sydney the formula recommended by our pediatrician, and Sydney refused to eat it.

Thankfully Sydney eats most of her solids at day care. She gets about 8 ounces of breast milk there, and nurses a lot at home. She eats solids at about 8:30 right before going to bed. Her weight gain is good, so we think this is working out ok. She is not going hungry or thirsty at day care, we make sure of that. R said Sydney really loves my milk.

I want to stop pumping. I hate it. Then I remember Sydney loves my milk. I had thought about stopping pumping if she took formula ok, just at day care, but she refused formula.

I feel a bit trapped.

I love that she loves my milk. It is a way I can take care of her even when I'm away. R said my milk settles her down for a nap.

I just hate pumping.

I made a goal to get to one year of nursing when I had Sydney. I have no intentions of stopping nursing at a year. She loves it, I love it, and it is the ONLY way I know how to get her to sleep. My goal has changed. I'll get to a year pumping, then stop. I need a goal to get me through this.

I know this is completely selfish, but this is how I'm feeling. Pumping reminds me of how I had to start pumping for a tiny baby, rather than nursing her. It has a lot of emotional baggage attached to it.

24

So I've never watched this show before.

Why I decided to I'll never know. Reason is I now have a new show to obsess over.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE 24. It is such a good show. Spellbinding, totally engrossing show. I just want to hurry up and see where this goes. It's like a great Tom Clancy novel or movie.

Vince and I are about to get season 1 at the video store to start catching up. Seems the show is on season 6, so we have about (5*24=120) 120 hours to catch up on. Yikes, and work too?

Link to What I've learned from Jack Bauer

On a serious note, this made me so very grateful that my life has personally been spared the harm of terrorism. They like to torture on that show, and I realized that terrorists don't care.

I looked and my precious baby in my arms and had to gasp. I hope no one ever tortures her. I want to protect her from the evil that exists in this world. An evil that hates us because of the freedoms we have.

I'm blessed that no one I know died on 9-11. Just what would I do if I'm on a plane with Sydney and it is hijacked? How do I protect her there? How do I protect her from the hate in this world, the evil, and ugly? How do I teach her to trust, when there are people trying to smuggle explosives onto planes in Gatorade bottles? How do I teach her that her fellow humans are mostly good, when there are men who slash the throats of flight attendants?

The president in 24 is an incompetent wuss. He actually negotiated with terrorists, after being burned once. Seems art is imitating life here, no?

This show has lead me to some soul searching. Oh, I'll keep watching it as I'm hooked, but now I worry as well.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the awesome responsibility that parenting is. It's more than keeping her from rolling off the bed. It's worrying about terrorists, dirty bombs, global warming. No, I'm not going off the deep end here, just something that I've not thought of. Don't expect me to go live in a cave anytime soon, just what I'm thinking today.

This parenting thing is huge. It is worrisome. It is wonderful. It is scary.

8 months

Tomorrow my DD will be 8 months old.

8 months since my world changed.
8 months since I heard that tiny cry.
8 months since I went on the NICU roller coaster.
8 months worrying am I doing this right?
8 months with this now fading scar on my belly.
8 months holding my baby, snuggling with by baby.
8 months of seeing a whole different side of DH.
8 months of pumping.

I cannot believe she is 8 months old.

Sorry for the silence. I have tons to say. Please don't give up on me.