Down day

Syd's sleeping is not going well. She cries for about 20 minutes, sleeps for about an hour, lather rinse repeat. It is very hard. I've started talking to her about sleeping and preparing her for it. It is just hard. I want to say thanks for all the tips and ideas people have sent me, I really appreciate them. Things are improved over my I'm losing it post, but they are still a challenge. I'm worried she is having nightmares, because she wakes up screaming as if she is scared. Now she goes to sleep very easy at day care. DCP says she plays a little than goes to sleep. UGG WHY can she do it there, but not at home?

I'm down today. The overwhelming burden of Vince leaving is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm pretty near crying right now. I restarted the Wellbutrin today. I've been off for a couple of months and have done fine, but I'm worried about what will come. So I'm being proactive and restarting the meds.

17 days until he leaves. I keep reminding myself that this is a good thing, at least he is not in Baghdad, blah, blah, blah, but I also keep thinking... My Lover is leaving for 6 freaking months. (I'd swear but I'm posting from work.) That is the overwhelming part right now. 6 MONTHS. I know the time will pass because it always does, but that's where I am right now. The anticipatory grief one has before a big loss occurs.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

Oh, and Trista, I'll work on the blinkies.

A cute pause

There is plenty more to read below.... well if you like reading about my mom and me.

For a cuter pause, some Sydney Pictures. Some have been uploaded from camera phones, so not the best quality, but still cute.











Vince loves Jolt Gum, and Syd found a box to chew on.


With my oldest younger sister.


With my youngest younger sister.




Vince did her hair and dressed her.



And a slide show I made:

I just love her to bits!

D-Day

Well today is the day.

Today Vince learns if he earns a commission or not.

I'm terribly nervous.

I'm very glad that the sword hanging over us will fall. I'm very glad that the anxiety, the worry, and the stress will be over, no matter what his commander decides. I'm trying to focus on today, not worry about the what ifs, but I'm not doing too well on that point.

As for Syd and her sleeping.... ROFLOL.

Last night I kept her up all evening. It was a fight to keep her up from 9 to 10. At 10 I got her ready for bed and she went to sleep. I'm so tired I collapsed as well. We were both asleep before 10:30. I was very excited thinking she would actually sleep all night.

Ummm... No.

She woke up at 1:30 and stayed that way. I got some sleep on the couch.

CIO starts tonight. One thing I realized is that I need to feed her heavy foods before she sleeps, because she wakes up hungry. So I'll feed her pediasure, turkey, and baby cereal, then she can go to sleep. And she stays in her bed for the rest of the night. I'm setting up the small crib my mom gave me tonight. Oh, and she is sleeping in another room other than mine as well. I love my baby, but this sleeping like crap has to stop. She and I both need this to stop. It is draining all my resources.

On to my mom. Yes she needs to STFU. I'm well aware she does not think I'm a skilled mom at getting Syd to sleep. What we had been doing had been working until about a month ago, then it all went to hell. I'm trying to do what I think is best. I now think this course of action is best for us.

Oh.... she offered to have me move in with her while Vince is gone. She said I'd save the money I'd spend on rent, and can put my things in storage. Yeah. NO. NOT HAPPENING. I have to have my space to parent. I don't believe in parenting by committee, which is what it was when I lived there last year. Parenting by committee, a committee I was not on because I disagreed with them. I need to parent her, My mom needs to grandparent her, and my sisters need to aunt her. Sheesh. I don't need that pressure. I hated living there. It was really bad. And she wants me to do it for 6 months???? SOOOOOOOOO not happening.

So please pray for Vince today, and for me and Syd tonight.

I am a bad mom

Just thought I'd post that.

I'm really struggling here. Vince is under huge ROTC stress and hates his graveyard shify job.

Sydney is on a very screwed up sleep cycle. She thinks playtime starts at 1. Now this would be ok if I did not have to go to work, but I do.

Last night I got so little sleep, I'm a zombie. When Vince comes back from PT he is taking her to day care and I'm calling in sick. I'll go in at about 1. I'm dead tired now and very close to loosing it with Sydney.

She is currently downstairs watching TV.

I totally suck as a mom. If she won't nurse to sleep I don't know how to put her to sleep, a fact my mom made clear yesterday.

With Vince and Syd I feel like I give and give and give and am getting little back from Vince. Syd gives with her happy laughs and smiles.

I'm burned out at ROTC. I want to scream whenever Vince mentions it. He needs to process I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I WANT TO TELL HIM TO STFU and NEVER MENTION HIS COMMANDER OR THAT DAMN PROGRAM AGAIN. This ends Wednesday one way or the other. I'll be glad for Vince's anxiety to come down to the point where he can maybe rejoin the labor force in our home. I'm just DONE. IF he gets a comission, I have to go play nice to those assholes on Friday. Joy.

She is crying right now, and I CAN'T go. I'm in control now, but I'm close to losing it. I want her to go to sleep damn it. I can REALLY easily see how child abuse happens when parents get to the end of their rope. I've done nothing but I've sure thought of it.

Tomorrow we start her sleeping in a crib. I'm getting the pack and play out of my car as well so I have somewhere to put her that she can't escape. I love her so much I don't want anything to happen, but I am done.

I'm to the point where we will be doing CIO. I hate it but I need her to go to sleep and stay that way. I love her so much. I'm so torn. The crap at the so called mothering website I chill at is no help. Most mothers post like me. I'm so tired blah blah blah. Yeah, I'm tired and I'm done being a martyr for a cause. I need sleep.

Shamless Plea for Votes.

I've entered Syd in a cute baby contest... could you please go and vote for her?

Main contest page is http://www.kosy.com/pages/baby_idol/

When they put the pictures up, they did it in a less than organized way. Basically you have to click through all the pictures to see yours, and it is a pain.

I'll post the pictures so you can see them. (My mom entered her too.)

Baby #158, where we decided to concentrate the votes.... (Dawn took this picture, BTW)

And baby #162 She is wearing a green wig my mom had to wear for work. That is my (thankfully hairless) chin in the corner.

To vote click here (And please vote for #158.)
http://www.kosy.com/pages/baby_idol/vote.html

It seems you can vote once per internet browser program on a computer.... so if you happen to have Explorer and Firefox... you can vote twice. And if you have a home and work computer.... ok, I'll stop begging.
Thanks for the votes!

Gotcha Day

Today is our Gotcha day!!!

Celebrate!!!!

One year ago we ran out of the hospital and made it home WITH our DD. What a happy day that was. Such a very special day. If you are interested...

Here is the video link. Because I don't want youtube linking back to this site, remove the #### in the link so the link will work.

From when we roomed in...
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=l3FmZS2zjPA

Going home!
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=LFQCeQ0miYA

What a wonderful day that was. I look back at that video and snicker at times. Vince wondering if he should drive slow because we have the baby in the car. Me messing with the blanket and wrapping her up in it.... thing is, it was about 90 that day. She did not need a blanket. She barely needed clothing.

I bought her the duck dress she is wearing. It was a newborn size. I bought it on one of my OB approved shopping jaunts while on bed rest. I was sitting in one of those electric carts. My mom was there. She had bought Sydney a pink dress, but I told her I wanted to purchase the duck one. She said I had no need for it, since she bought the pink one. I told her I wanted the duck dress and was buying it. She wanted to know what for. I said I needed something cute to bring her home in. She said that's why she bought the pink dress, and acted a bit hurt. I thanked her for the pink dress, but said that Vince wanted me to get her a dress to wear home that he and I bought. Plus, the pink dress was a 0-3 months, and we already knew she was being born small. I said that I was hoping that a new born dress would fit... as you can see, it was still huge. In the end, I bought the dress, sweater, and a pair of duck booties. I wanted to get the really cute duck hat that matched but my mom talked me out of it.

BTW... both the duck dress and pink dress still fit. When I'm home I'll upload a picture of her very recently wearing the duck dress. She wore it to Vince's graduation.

Any ideas out there how to help Vince and Sydney bond? She is really clinging to me, and his feelings are getting hurt. He feels left out. She cooperates for me and won't for him. I try to suggest that he do more of her cares without hollering for me to help or getting frustrated. I suggest that he bathe her. He really won't do that. Any ideas?

Oh, I decided that Kristin is right and I took down the adjusted age ticker. A friend is watching Syd today as our DCP is on vacation, and she had not seen her in a while. When I opened the door with Syd on my hip, she said "She is huge." :)

Adjusted age

Friday was Syd's original due date.

I'm torn. I wonder if I should restart the adjusted age ticker or take it down. Developmentally she is pretty much on track. Size wise she is a tiny thing.

The tinyness is hard to deal with. That and the difference in her skin color and mine has gotted questions from strangers when we are out. I don't always feel the need to explain her whole history to the lady behind me in line.

Last week I read an article written by another mom of a biracial child. She decided her answer to "where did you get her?" is "My Uterus." That will be my answer from now on. This is one time I wish I had a vaginal birth, because I'd REALLY love the look on the strangers face when I would say "from my vagina." I love saying words that are not dirty words, but many people think they are. Oh well, I'll just stick to saying, my uterus. If they ask where she got that skin color from, so help me I just might say, "from my husband's sperm."

UGGGGG My MIL

I'll start off with something pleasant... pictures of Sydney on our vacation.







Now onto my rant....

So the MIL has been whining that we don't come around... again. So we went over tonight.

Some things to note as you read:

1. It is summer here. On the way home, the sign at a bank said 82 degrees Fahrenheit.


2. Sydney is an independent gal. She HATES socks.


3. Typical attire here in the summer is shorts and flip flops.

When MIL gets home, she starts in about the fact that Sydney did not have socks on. I was wearing flip flops, basically I HATE wearing socks when the temperature is above 75. I mentioned this and that Sydney just takes them off and looses them, so why bother. MIL said "Because her feet get dirty". So I'm to stain treat socks that get lost anyway so I don't have to give Sydney's feet an extra scrub in her bath? I thought skin washes.

Then MIL starts in on Sydney's knees. She said that if I had pants on her, her knees would not be getting dark. UGGGG So I have to have a ton of pants with holes in the knees so her knees don't get dirty... plus the fact that it is hot and I don't want her to be uncomfortable? WTH?

What I'd like to say to MIL is maybe you should mop your floors once in a while. She has all tile floors and Sydney's feet were FILTHY when we got home. Wanna see?

Yes, that is all from her being at my MIL's house and crawling on the floor. YUCK.

If you can tell, I'm much more upset about her questioning my mothering, once again. I cannot please that woman.

DH has a bad habit of putting people on speaker phone. He did this last week when we were en route to our camping trip. MIL told him she did not know how to make me happy, nothing pleased me. I held my tongue. I asked Vince what she wanted. At Sydney's birthday, I thought I welcomed them and that I told them how much I liked and appreciated Sydney's present. I mean I did not clap and jump for joy, but that would have been over the top for diapers, pj's and socks, really. I don't know how to please her, and frankly I'm done trying. I'll be polite and that is about it. I can't stand her, and if DH did not love her I'd have nothing to do with her.

She was complaining about the pictures of Sydney she has. She wants me to make more. She was complaining about the top of Sydney's head being chopped off on one... I moved it around in the frame, problem solved. She has never paid for a single picture. She demanded several from our wedding, which my mother paid for. She demanded a copy of the wedding video, which I paid for. She got angry when I handed her the order form and price sheet for the wedding photographer. I don't think she bought one. She helped herself to so many pictures of Sydney that my brother used his employee points to buy, that I had to buy more for me and my mom, and for my brother... and we bought a lot. She demanded but did not pay a cent for 10 graduation announcements for my husband's graduation. Money was VERY tight, and I skipped lunch twice to cover this.

This is the woman who went ballistic during my c-section, and has yet to apologize. This is the woman who got up in arms when she learned grandparents could visit at will, and she demanded her own bracelet (the golden ticket into the NICU) and then came ONCE to see Sydney, when we were there. She visited Sydney twice when Sydney was in the hospital. TWICE. My mom went almost daily during the week. Some sibling or other came to see me during the weekend. I had friends that came and saw Sydney more than MIL. She is so frustrating.

Since you have listened to my whine, here are some very cute pictures of my darling baby.

Tonight...

Home all day

So I felt like utter crap today, so I stayed home. Not that I have loads of leave to cover this, but I'll survive. My sinus are hurting and I ache, basically I just did not want to go to work.

Maybe I'll work 9s or 10s to cover today the rest of the week... that would be something to see.

So I'm up here typing thinking I'm not being a neglectful mommy. Sydney was napping on the living room floor. I'm thinking she can't fall off that, I covered her with a blanket, all is well riiiiiight? HA, Sydney is smarter than her mommy.

See Sydney is a mobile baby. She can crawl very well. She pulls her self up very well. She can climb on the couch. She can climb the stairs.

I hear a little happy Sydney noise and go check on it. Seems she mastered the makeshift baby gate I made at the bottom of the stairs of purses and bags and was climbing the stairs. She was silent as she did this. I caught her halfway up the second flight of stairs. (We live in a split level home.) She was chasing the cats, her new favorite past time, and their least favorite thing to do. She yelled "Cat" which is when I got up and found her on the stairs.

She and Thomas, our grey cat, are having problems. Last night I let her crawl into the kitchen and was listening in the living room. I heard her laughing and went to investigate. She and Thomas were under the table, and he was hissing and swatting at her. I grabbed her and yelled at him. She thought this was all very funny. She got a small scratch on her face, we have been putting neosporin on it. Vince cut Thomas' nails, and now we are super watchful. Salem and Tigger are very tolerant and actually seem to like Sydney, but Thomas does not. If this keeps up and we don't work something out, Thomas will get a new home in short order. I love my animals, but I can't have an animal endangering a human member of my family, much less my baby. We told them that Sydney was our kitten, and Salem and Tigger seem to understand, Thomas does not. We are trying to help him have a better life, by paying more attention to him and playing ball with him. He loves to play fetch.

Everything is a cat. Dogs, people food, etc. All are cat. She loves saying cat. She says Mama and dada, but I don't think those words have meaning yet, but Cat has meaning. She makes a lot of noise and talks a lot.

She is starting to reject baby food. Today I fed her re-fried beans for lunch. She loved them. I think baby food is too bland. I put some enchilada sauce on the beans and she ate them up. She drinks from straws. We give her 8 ounces of Pediasure daily, and sometime she takes it very easily and sometimes not. We are trying to help her maintain weight gain, as she is slowing down on her eating as a whole.

She has cut a canine tooth on the top. No front teeth, just a canine tooth. It looks a bit odd with the two bottom teeth and a canine tooth poking through.

She weighed 13 pounds 9 ounces when we took her in for her year check up and shots. Poor baby really knows what those are. She starts to cry once she sees the syringe.

She is into everything. She climbs and looks. She loves watching and grabbing things out of the printer, which is on a low shelf... I think it may be getting a new home very soon. Pulling DVD's off the shelf is a very fun game.

Sometimes she acts like a very "big" girl and is very independent. Sometimes she still acts very much like a baby, and curls up in my lap in a little ball and nurses. She is growing up so fast. Yesterday she wanted me to hold her against my chest like I did in the NICU, and she was nearly too long. I remember how small she was all swaddled on my chest I would hold her like that for as long as they would let me. Sometimes the staff would leave us alone like that for hours, sometimes they would bug us after half an hour. I remember one day when I was snuggling her on my chest, a nurse told me she had to go back into her bed so the doctor could examine her as the doctor was on rounds. He heard this and told the nurse that my cuddling Sydney was very important and to leave us alone. So she did, and I held Sydney for a very long time that morning. I only put her back because I REALLY had to pee.

I'm so very proud of my tiny big baby. I can't imagine where a year went.

New videos

For your viewing pleasure, I have posted several new videos of Sydney on YouTube....

Main site http://www.youtube.com/intorainbowz


Going into Disneyland
We go to the beach
Sydney goes on It's a Small World
Sydney gets a crown
Sydney plays with the Mickey Mouse Balloons we bought her
Sydney goes for a ride on the Merry-Go-Round

See, I LOVE LOVE LOVE It's a Small World. I'm dissappointed I could not post the entire ride... We filmed the whole way through.

I have a couple of photo montages planned, I just need to find where I put the camera. I took tons of still pics.

And completely unrelated to the vacation... Sydney watches the crazy techno frog. It has so many hits because if you search for crazy techno frog on youtube, my video was number 3 (now number 7).

Good Friday

Today I was cleaning the disaster which is our office desk.

In the piles, there lay the ultrasound reports.

Stacked neatly from week 18 on.

Every other week.

Somewhere about week 28, I spilled a Diet Coke on them.

DAMN.

Those reports reflect such a hard time in our lives. EACH and EVERY one of them mentions the high risk of intrauterine fetal demise. They all discuss that the rate of growth is outside of normal At the first one, at 18 week 0 days, I measured 16 weeks 5 days. The dates just get worse from there. Starting at 1/19/2006 to 5/12/2006 I had a level 2 at least once every 2 weeks. March 30, I had steroids. Good Friday last year, I had to have my NST at the hospital because my ob's office was closed. I almost had a baby that day, and my sister was in a car accident. She was driving to get my sister after dropping me and my mom off at the hospital. I was flunking the NST, then I almost flunked the BPP. Finally my mom's cell phone rang during the BPP. It was the police officer dealing with the accident, but that ringing got DD to practice breathing, and she passed. She had 6 minutes to go before the test ended. They gave me 30 minutes. So stinking stressful.

Yesterday, someone IRL told me that my NICU stay was easy. HA. Sure we avoided a vent, but that was about it. Anyway, it is not a contest, but I told that person I did my worrying my entire pregnancy. I spotted at 5 weeks 6 days. I had my first level 2 at 18 weeks. I had at least one u/s a week from then on. I got to have the stress of a high risk pregnancy for 16 weeks. I was on bed rest for 8. My DD was in the NICU for 6.5. I did my time, TYVM.
I'm right in the anniversary time right now and am struggling. I Just wish thing had gone differently. I love DD and would not trade this experience, it is still painful and hard to deal with.

I just wish things had come out differently.

Hiatus over!

Hi, I've been back for about a week. I've needed some time to screw my head back on.

Random Vacation post mortem:

1. We had a blast. It was WONDERFUL. We so needed a break.
2. Disneyland is designed to get you to overspend, which we did with gusto.
3. The never lost (GPS) feature on the rental care was a vacation saver. It was so cool. I really want one now.
4. Vince is useless on an airplane. He basically plugged into the Tv's on Jet blue and forgot about me and Sydney. I got really mad at him, and he was like what am I doing, because he is one of those people who when they put the headphones in, forget there is a world out there beyond the headphones.
5. Wicked was WONDERFUL. I want to see it again. I cried several times. Vince even liked it. It was so very moving and I could just keep typing adoring adjectives, but will stop. There will be a post dedicated to Wicked.
6. Single Rider at Disneyland California is the best thing EVER. Basically you go to the front of the line. I was in line with a sweet couple on their honeymoon. She got picked first, then the attendant came and got the groom and I and then put us in line next to each other. I hurried and went and swapped with the bride.
7. There are 2 Sheraton's within shouting distance of Disneyland. Who knew?
8. MIL will find a way to call at a time which will be most embarrassing, ie when you learn you are at the wrong Sheraton. She will then lecture you. I will post about her too.
9. It was so very nice to just be with my family. Sydney is so smart.
10. Sydney cut her first tooth on March 11, the second day we were there. Sydney is a traffic stopper, she is so dang cute. It really throws people to see someone that small sitting, etc. She loves the stroller.
11. The trip was hard on Sydney. She went on a bit of a eating strike. She lost weight on the trip. We found out the day after we got back, because she was running a VERY high fever, that Sydney had an ear infection on the way home, which would explain the constant crying the flight home.
12. NEVER eat at the IHOP right by Disneyland. A normal breakfast for 3 adults with tip was $55. That is insane, and the service was not that good. No, no one had fillet Mignon.
13. It was so nice to stay at a nice hotel.
14. It was well worth it for the upgrade to the full size car, as we had so much crap.
15. Sydney thought the Haunted Mansion was a comedy ride. She laughed the whole way through. As we went in, Vince worried that she would be scared. I told him she was too young to know it is supposed to be scary, and I was right.
16. Sydney hates things that go wosh, ie the doors on the Monorail and flushing toilets.
17. My sister is a SPOILED BRAT. She went to California the day before we came home. Initially we intended to only spend 2 days at Disney, so I offered to sell her one day at $30. (Full retail price of one day park hopper ticket $83+tax.) She really made a stink about this. I figured I was saving her $50, and the tickets were not free for us, they were part of our package. Then after 2 days we had not done all we wanted, so we wanted to go again. I'd already committed to selling her the ticket, so we ended up purchasing another one at full price ($63 for one park). I'm really upset at me for agreeing to do that. It ended up costing me about $35 to save her $50.
18. Vince wants to move to LA. I'm in the HELL NO camp on that one. I don't want to live there. I miss the ocean and the palm trees, but I have no desire to live there. Anyway, we would only be able to afford a shack in an awful neighborhood.
19. I have some great pictures and video I'll post.
20. When we were eating at an in park restaurant I said to Vince, I don't know why we never came here to eat when I was growing up. When I saw the tab, I understood. $40. Two large and very good dinners for Vince and I, a REALLY good piece of chocolate cake (really big too) and sodas. As this was a buffet style place, no tip.

I have a lot of things to post, so I'm going to get cracking.

Public Service Announcement: Re working mothers

Written in response to a PM I recieved on a BB I hang out on....

To whom it may concern:

I don't want your opinion on my working. I'm not giving my opinion on your family planning/SAHM status, why do you feel privileged to do so? We were talking about a completely unrelated subject, and you chose to bash me for being a working mom.

I had a very welcomed and longed for but unplanned pregnancy, not that this is ANY of you business. We had been planning to do intensive IUI then IVF after DH graduated from college. I'm the breadwinner right now. However, I got miraculously pregnant all by ourselves ahead of schedule.

When I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was overjoyed beyond measure. I also knew I would be a working mama. Or I could be broke and homeless with no health insurance. Or I could have aborted a miracle. Those were my three options. (And actually the third one was no where near an option. As was number 2.)

You say you are pro-life and that you would not have had children if you had to work.... again what would you have had me do in this situation? Me personally, I chose to give life, love my baby and DH, and enjoy my family. Family is first, work is a far second.

I'm so glad that your life was so planned that you did not have to work. I do have to and choose to work. I also LOVE working. My DD is very loved and very attached to me and DH. I consider that I might want to be a SAHM, but right now that is not in the cards. I think that DH and I are the best parents we can be, day care included. We did give how to raise her a second thought BTW. We read, studied, and planned. We were prepared parents, even if to you we do not appear to be, because DD was born before we were both out of college, home owners, and financially stable.

Joy does not wait for the check book to be balanced.

I refuse to let you guilt me with your claims of children are best cared for in their homes by their parents... BS! I've seen PLENTY of SAHM's who do nothing but watch TV all day. DD is in a day care where she get attention and yes LOVE. She is loved by her DCP, by the DCP's children and by the other children, and she loves them. Yes this is not a mother's love, but I believe that children need to have a loving environment no matter were they are. She gets loads of attention and love from me 16 hours of the day. She is with DCP 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Otherwise she is usally with me or DH. I've actually read a study but can't remember the link stating that SAHM's and WOHM's spend about the same amount of time with their children.

I don't go around lecturing SAHM's about how I think they should be working, as I firmly believe that every woman should have the choice to stay home if that is what she wants and can afford it. I do not believe you have any right to feel above me because our lives are very different.

I have a wonderful job which is very flexible and compatible with mothering. My situation may not seem perfect, but it is the working very well for us. Who's situation is perfect, anyway?

Oh, and if you are saying Don't be offended but...well then, you know what you are saying is offensive and judgemental.

And just in case you are wondering what she said to spark this entry... I'm pasting the relevent parts of her message...

Honestly, I do not EVER judge women for returning to work after having children because that is a very personal decision and sometimes a necessity. I planned my family for over 5 years and one of the first things that we agreed upon was that one of us would be a SAHM because I did not ever trust anybody to provide as much love and care as me or my partner. Not saying that DCP's aren't loving and nurturing, but I wanted that for my children from *ME*. Don't take offense to that (because I know many mom's would/will), but personally I feel that a child is best cared for by mommy or daddy at home. And I think there are a lot of people in this world planning families and not even giving that a 2nd thought. Again, personally, I wouldn't have even contemplated having children if I had to work. I just didn't want that for my child(ren). I am 40 and my oldest is 2. I waited until I knew that I was going to be her caregiver 24/7. But again, that's not always possible, so you have to give up some things that you normally wouldn't have had to.

Some of those lactivists make me laugh. I think the vast majority of them are probably pro-choice. So, it's ok to choose to end the life of a fetus, but it's NOT ok to feed that same baby formula? WHAT? I just have to laugh at half of those posts. Again, I'm a huge advocate for nursing your child, but I'm more of an advocate for loving your child.

Sorry to have offended you, but I call it the way I see it and so many people can't handle that (i.e. the closed thread).

Exposed

I'm having a hard time posting. I have tons to say, but after my drive by nastiness, I feel very vunerable. I've always known this is out there on the web, but this is the first time that I've dealt with anyone being so hurtful. In fact, up until that poster, my only kinda negative post was someone who disagreed with me about re-naming Hill Airforce Base. That was not a big deal, this one is. I know that others have been attacked more personally than I, but this was my first time.

Anon I'm reclaiming myself from you. You don't get to win. Your nastiness will not prevail. I'm considering removing your post because I can. Anyone but the anon person, should I remove the post?

Last night I attended an infant massage class. The presenter went around the room and had the moms tell their birth stories. I went last because of where I was sitting. I was the only women in the room who had a scheduled c-section, preemie, nicu stay. That's a good thing, I guess but I felt very alone. Other women fought against their c-sections, went into labor. I scheduled mine. The presenter was trying to be sensitive, but she kept talking about how the baby being squished down the birth canal is good for them. She is right, but I just felt left out.

One other mom there talked about how positive her birth was, but that breast feeding did not work out. She almost started crying. I had talked to her prior to her birth about nursing and she had seemed very excited about it. I was suprised when I saw her formula feeding. I will admit I had been a bit judgemental about that, until I heard her say that she was very dissappointed that nursing had not worked out. My heart ached for her.

For Mama Moose

Mama Moose is a poster on the alternative BB where I hang out.

For some reason, Myspace removed pictures of her nursing her baby, and she has been harassed on a separate BB for having nursing pictures in her signature. In support of her, a "virtual" nurse in has been declared. To particiapte in a nurse in, and to show support, I'm posting pictures of Sydney nursing. I took them myself.

For me, this pictures are an example of a miracle. After her birth, having to EP, her very difficult time learning to eat, and her very high palate, the fact that Syndey nurses is a miracle. She has thrived on nursing. Plus, as I'm basically a lazy person, nursing her at home has made life much easier on me.

Excited

I am so very beyond excited about vacation!!!! I made and advent calendar of sorts on my office door. It is out of blue postits. I'll post a pic once I bring a camera to work. So yeah, I'm excited. Usually I do a count down on a big calendar on my office wall, and cross out the days, but we did not get those this year, so I made my own count down clock.

Sydney got exposed to RSV yesterday at day care. Praise the Lord she got her Synagys last week. She should be covered. The thing about the Synagys is it does not prevent RSV, but it lessens it. If she does get RSV, hopefully it will be mild. I'm still VERY worried about this. She seems fine today.

We are co-sleeping, not because we are really into the beliefs about the benefits of co-sleeping, but rather because it is a way for us all to get sleep. (I believe in the benefits, but Vince is only sold on the idea that this means sleep.) Lately we have been struggling with this a bit. We had been sleeping with me in the middle, Sydney on the outside with her pillow designed for this to keep her from falling out of bed. Then she fell out of bed, so into the middle she went. (Once I moved her to the other side of me, and she fell out of bed before she even had a chance to sweat a wet spot from her head, she has a very sweaty head.) Vince thought that we might both have more room if we slept backwards, with his head by my feet and vice versa. I was not too keen on this because I'd rather wake up to his face, not his feet.

Neither of us know why, but we both woke up at the same time last night. Sydney had somehow wiggled sideways and across our queen bed, and was about to fall head first off Vince's side. She was asleep. I have no idea how she did this. She so far does not crawl. She really wants to crawl and catch the cat, but she does not. I tried teaching her yesterday. So the backwards thing is a no-go, and we are back to being a bit craped. I really wish she did not need to nurse all night, except when she is working on falling out of bed. My back is cramped from being on my side all night.

So far she has fallen out of bed 3 times. Once while I was getting ready to go, and twice at night. It is very scary and I really feel like a dumb parent when that happens.

Can I just SCREAM at Vince for a minute. Thanks. I've been talking vacation for 2 weeks now. He knew when we were going. So last night, I'M ON THE PHONE WITH JET BLUE to book the non-refundable air and the car, and Vince says "I think that is drill." !#%^^**(&^^%$$%^&*** (Insert swear word of your choice here.) So I hang up with Jet Blue and we talk. He hopefully can reschedule (RST) the drill. I went ahead and booked the hotel as it is refundable with a fee. Hopefully he will get the word back soon on RST. I'm just like "What part of can you go do you not understand?" and " Why in the hell did you not check your drill schedule when we started talking about this weeks ago?"

Hello again

I tried to post last week, and my post got eaten. So in reward, haha, you will get a post filled with grammar errors. Sorry.

Sydney finally got her third Synagis shot last week. She is sitting up and doing wonderful. We are so very blessed. She weighs over 11 pounds. I mentioned to my mom that she is getting big, and my mom was like you are crazy. Of course, my mom's largest baby weighed 10 pounds 11 ounces at birth. What I meant was that my baby is growing up. She is sitting. She reaches for things she wants. She is showing preference for people. She leans toward who she wants. She is getting much bigger than the tiny baby I birthed.

Oh, and contrary to the anti-c/s crowd, I did birth my baby. I gave birth. I may never have felt a single contraction, but I gave birth, same as women who go it no drugs. That particular point irks me no end. I hang out at an "alternative" online BB, and there are some women on there with views on prenatal care who terrify me. Have a home birth, I don't care, but don't judge me my c/s and healthy baby. And don't judge why I have no interest in a VBAC. You have not walked in my shoes. Why is it ok for them to judge my c/s but not ok for me to judge their complete avoidance of prenatal care, just because ALL ob's are SOB's ya know? Go ahead, have your HBA2C (home birth after 2 c/s) for all I care, don't judge my choices. One poster posted that she was upset because a client of hers, she is a doula, had a scheduled c/s. She posted "she had the baby uh... removed." No, I gave birth. My baby was not removed. Tumors are removed, babies are birthed. I really feel something is broken in me for having NO desire to have a VBAC. The thought terrifies me. The thought of a scheduled c/s is comforting. It angers me when I read about access to a VBAC being restricted because of insurance, and I'm supportive of women who want to VBAC, I have no interest in it. Rant over.

Why does my husband think he deserves a medal whenever he changes Sydney's diapers? If I remember correctly, he is equally responsible for her being here. It's like he is doing me a favor or something. His need to be super protective of her is getting on my nerves. I KNOW this is NICU related, but every little thing makes him jump up, almost panicked. REALLY. Last night she was crying because she wanted to be fed. He asks me what he should do. She wants solids, I already tried nursing her. I'm like feed her damn it. I'm doing the taxes. He got all mad, and I was like She is your daughter too. I'm really sick of Sydney seeming to be my project, and he is the helper. If he picks her up from day care, he is doing me a favor. If he feeds her, he is helping me out. I'm trying to empower him to care more for her and not step in at every little thing. Sometimes he makes me want to scream.

We are hoping to go on vacation in March, to Disneyland. I keep getting asked if we are taking the baby.... Hello??? What part of FAMILY vacation do you not understand? Sure, it would be easier without her, but then I would miss seeing her eyes when we take her on Its a Small World. She won't remember the details, but she will remember being with her parents, and we will remember the time we all spent together. So what if we ride the trill rides alone as we swap the baby? Who really cares? I don't believe I do a lot of bonding while on the Indiana Jones ride. Come on. Thrill rides are essentially a solitary activity, shared among strangers. Plus, as I'm still nursing, I'd either have to wean (That's a dumb reason to wean, IMNSHO) or pump. No vacation is a chance to not pump. Plus, I don't think I could be away from her that long, I would miss her so, and so would Vince. I have so little time with her, that when I use leave, I really want to be with her, and with Vince, as a family. All together. Yes, I know this means hauling a car seat and stroller to California. Oh well.

I'm so excited about this. Vince and I have not had a real vacation for 4 years. (Mesquite and Bear Lake don't count.) We are flying, renting a car, and staying at a hotel. We will be there 4 nights but because our plane gets there early and leaves late, we will have 5 full days there. We will do Disneyland for 3 days, Knotts Berry Farm for one, and have a free day to go to the beach and go see friends. I'm counting down.

Vince currently has orders to be gone August-October, and then November to January. Yup, looks like he will be gone for Christmas. Shit. I KNOW this is a part of military life, but that does not mean I have to be celebrating right now. Still sucks, expected or not.

For Trista.... Basically I've been wearing one pair of shoes.... Black Loafers I bought at Target. Just like these, only the toes on mine are all scuffed.

Bit sad

Today I went to visit a client at her job site, a national chain craft store. While there, I browsed the scrapbooking supplies, as I'm ALWAYS in the market, especially for military scrapbooking supplies.

Looking around, there were stickers for everything. I saw one with terms on it for expectant moms. It had several word phrases on it. These included the following:

• Overdue
• Labor Pains
• Contractions
• What a belly!
• Where are my feet?
• Ultrasound!

This just made me sad. I feel I missed out. I barely showed. I could always find my feet. I never felt a contraction. I did not labor. Ultrasounds were not fun, they were stressful and worrysome. I did not go overdue.

Sigh.

It just hit me for what I missed. I should be grateful blah, blah, blah. Today I'm sad. I know there are people a lot worse than me, and I'm having a pity party. Oh well.

It is hard to put my feelings about this into words. I'm still grieving. That is a hard thing to admit as I have a daughter, alive and healthy. Why can't I just be glad for that and move on? I just feel stuck. It's hard to realize how close we came to losing someone who is so much an integral part of my life. I cannot imagine life without her. It takes my breath away how much I love her.

For a couple of pictures of Sydney, please visit DawnJuan's blog, linked to the left....

I hate pumping.

There I said it.

I hate pumping.
I love nursing.
I just hate pumping.

I had to pump from the very start. There has rarely been a day, except for a few weekends, when I have not pumped daily. My job is much more compatible with pumping and I even have a lock on my door. It's not a logistical issue anymore for pumping problems. It is emotional.

Until about 2 months ago, I had quite the stash of breast milk, pumped from when Sydney was in the NICU eating about 8 ounces a day and I was pumping 30. That milk lasted forever, it seemed. I had tons. I had it stashed at my mom's house, and we could not have ice cream, because there was no room in the freezer for it. So once Sydney was home and finally nursing, I only pumped at work. I would get about 12 ounces a day or so, but this never bothered me, as I had PLENTY to use. I'm down to 8 ounces or less a day. Part of that is because I only pump, and I pump late in the day, but I just can't emotionally "get it up" for pumping 3 times a day.

I now have no stash. I'm only a day ahead, because I forgot to take her milk to day care one day last week. Thankfully R had a frozen bag there, because my day was so hectic, I had no time to get more to her. R tried to feed Sydney the formula recommended by our pediatrician, and Sydney refused to eat it.

Thankfully Sydney eats most of her solids at day care. She gets about 8 ounces of breast milk there, and nurses a lot at home. She eats solids at about 8:30 right before going to bed. Her weight gain is good, so we think this is working out ok. She is not going hungry or thirsty at day care, we make sure of that. R said Sydney really loves my milk.

I want to stop pumping. I hate it. Then I remember Sydney loves my milk. I had thought about stopping pumping if she took formula ok, just at day care, but she refused formula.

I feel a bit trapped.

I love that she loves my milk. It is a way I can take care of her even when I'm away. R said my milk settles her down for a nap.

I just hate pumping.

I made a goal to get to one year of nursing when I had Sydney. I have no intentions of stopping nursing at a year. She loves it, I love it, and it is the ONLY way I know how to get her to sleep. My goal has changed. I'll get to a year pumping, then stop. I need a goal to get me through this.

I know this is completely selfish, but this is how I'm feeling. Pumping reminds me of how I had to start pumping for a tiny baby, rather than nursing her. It has a lot of emotional baggage attached to it.

Its all good

So we took Sydney to the ortho clinic yesterday. New x-rays, nothing showed up. It all looks good. The doc said to not worry about growth plates, they usually don't cause problems in babies and the bone scan showed the injury in the middle of her femur.

I'm tired. My job is boring and this last week has just drained me. I was so worried about so many things, I just want a break.

Thanks for the kind words. Really ready for a break. Actually looking forward to having my wisdom teeth pulled so I can have a break.

My mom is up to her usual drama, same crap as after Sydney was born. I want a break from that as well. Why can't my family be normal?

MIL up to naughty stuff as well. I am not enjoying the holidays and I miss that. I want to relax and enjoy Christmas. I really love Christmas.

Sydney is her happy and wonderful self. I wonder how someone as moody and depressed as I am could have such a happy go lucky as Sydney. She is the shining star in my life right now.

My brother is up to crap as well. Ohhh I can't stand him. Short: He thinks I should go somewhere else to nurse when I have people over on Christmas. Yeah, he runs my life. Not. He can shove it.

Why does my family think its ok to make stupid suggestions like that one?

A radio talk show host who shall not be named was asking a caller on her show if her family knew she was married, if they acted like it, did she know she was married and acted like it? Thoughts for me to ponder. I don't think that most of my family acts like I'm an adult. How do I change this?