Exposed

I'm having a hard time posting. I have tons to say, but after my drive by nastiness, I feel very vunerable. I've always known this is out there on the web, but this is the first time that I've dealt with anyone being so hurtful. In fact, up until that poster, my only kinda negative post was someone who disagreed with me about re-naming Hill Airforce Base. That was not a big deal, this one is. I know that others have been attacked more personally than I, but this was my first time.

Anon I'm reclaiming myself from you. You don't get to win. Your nastiness will not prevail. I'm considering removing your post because I can. Anyone but the anon person, should I remove the post?

Last night I attended an infant massage class. The presenter went around the room and had the moms tell their birth stories. I went last because of where I was sitting. I was the only women in the room who had a scheduled c-section, preemie, nicu stay. That's a good thing, I guess but I felt very alone. Other women fought against their c-sections, went into labor. I scheduled mine. The presenter was trying to be sensitive, but she kept talking about how the baby being squished down the birth canal is good for them. She is right, but I just felt left out.

One other mom there talked about how positive her birth was, but that breast feeding did not work out. She almost started crying. I had talked to her prior to her birth about nursing and she had seemed very excited about it. I was suprised when I saw her formula feeding. I will admit I had been a bit judgemental about that, until I heard her say that she was very dissappointed that nursing had not worked out. My heart ached for her.

Utah attempting to gut Lay Midwife law.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_5166202

Orem Republican Sen. Margaret Dayton, one of the most vocal opponents of legislation adopted in 2005 that allowed midwives to legally deliver babies at home, is sponsoring a bill intended to define a "normal pregnancy." ... Dayton was a labor and delivery nurse for five years. And her husband is a retired obstetrician. She says she took her list from a doctor's list of "high-risk" pregnancies.

Bill is located at http://le.utah.gov/~2007/bills/sbillint/sb0243.htm

Here is a jewel of a quote from Sen. Dayton

"People should have the choice: from the highest-end obstetrician to staying home alone in the dark in the bathroom. All the choices are not equal," said Dayton, who introduced her bill Monday. "We need to go back and make some definition of what we have granted."

The direct entry bill finally allowed something BETWEEN high end OB care and being alone in the bathroom. The quote just shows this Senator's anti-home birth bias loud and clear. There are very definitive rules listed by DOPL, and this is an attempt to make rules law, and to expand the restrictions. Current rules, not law, are listed here. Current law is here.

What will risk a woman out?

From the proposed bill

(iv) excludes from the practice of Direct-entry midwifery a pregnancy that involves:
(A) pulmonary disease, renal disease, chronic or active hepatic disease, endocrine disease, neurological disease, a significant autoimmune disease, GBS disease, or isoimmunization;
(B) deep vein thrombosis or pulmonary embolus;
(C) a significant hematological disorder or coagulopathy;
(D) hypertension;
(E) diabetes mellitus;
(F) a family history of a serious genetic disorder that may affect the current pregnancy;
(G) a history of neonatal infection, cerclage or incompetent cervix, an infant below 2,500 grams or above 4,000 grams, a preterm birth of 36 weeks or less, postpartum hemorrhage requiring transfusion, three or more consecutive miscarriages, a miscarriage after 14 weeks, or a stillborn;
(H) a prior myomectomy, hysterotomy, or c-section;
(I) current drug addition or abuse;
(J) positive HIV antibody or AIDS;
(K) any condition, disease, or illness that would disqualify a certified nurse midwife, licensed under Chapter 44a, Nurse Midwife Practice Act, from delivering a child without assistance under the protocols of two or more general acute hospitals in Utah; or
(L) any other condition that may present an unreasonable risk of harm to a
pregnant woman or unborn child.

I've bolded things which would risk me out, even with a healthy pregnancy. I actually would have been risked out from the begining of my first pregnancy as I had prior uterine surgery.


While I have NO desire to VBAC, I'm incensed that a prior c/s alone is cause to risk one out of midwife care. I'm also angry that just because I had one high risk pregnancy, that reason alone risks me out of midwife care, even if my current pregnancy is going fine. And even though my sister may have had a problem that does not mean I will. The "any condition" is so vauge to make it impossible for a DEM to determine if she can actually see this client and maintain her license.

Utah Midwives Association Outgoing President Tara Tulley said Dayton's bill
would end up requiring 96 percent of the midwives' clients to go to a doctor or
certified nurse midwife, effectively ending home delivery. "They're trying to
eliminate our practice," Tulley said.

and

But Utah Midwives Association President Jules Johnston said Dayton has gone
overboard. "If they sneeze, they're risked out."

The article says that there were 96 hb, with 9 transfers and 2 c/s. That is a transfer rate of 9% and a 2% c/s rate. There is no mention in the article of any complications during the transfers or any one case which would cause this representive to propose this, other than her husband's prior occupation and her opposition to the law which allowed direct entry midwives anyway, which allowed women to home birth in Utah with help.

Reports on Utah home birth stats are http://www.dopl.utah.gov/licensing/de_midwife_outcomes.pdf and http://health.utah.gov/opha/publications/hsu/06Dec_HomeBirth.pdf

Hello again

I tried to post last week, and my post got eaten. So in reward, haha, you will get a post filled with grammar errors. Sorry.

Sydney finally got her third Synagis shot last week. She is sitting up and doing wonderful. We are so very blessed. She weighs over 11 pounds. I mentioned to my mom that she is getting big, and my mom was like you are crazy. Of course, my mom's largest baby weighed 10 pounds 11 ounces at birth. What I meant was that my baby is growing up. She is sitting. She reaches for things she wants. She is showing preference for people. She leans toward who she wants. She is getting much bigger than the tiny baby I birthed.

Oh, and contrary to the anti-c/s crowd, I did birth my baby. I gave birth. I may never have felt a single contraction, but I gave birth, same as women who go it no drugs. That particular point irks me no end. I hang out at an "alternative" online BB, and there are some women on there with views on prenatal care who terrify me. Have a home birth, I don't care, but don't judge me my c/s and healthy baby. And don't judge why I have no interest in a VBAC. You have not walked in my shoes. Why is it ok for them to judge my c/s but not ok for me to judge their complete avoidance of prenatal care, just because ALL ob's are SOB's ya know? Go ahead, have your HBA2C (home birth after 2 c/s) for all I care, don't judge my choices. One poster posted that she was upset because a client of hers, she is a doula, had a scheduled c/s. She posted "she had the baby uh... removed." No, I gave birth. My baby was not removed. Tumors are removed, babies are birthed. I really feel something is broken in me for having NO desire to have a VBAC. The thought terrifies me. The thought of a scheduled c/s is comforting. It angers me when I read about access to a VBAC being restricted because of insurance, and I'm supportive of women who want to VBAC, I have no interest in it. Rant over.

Why does my husband think he deserves a medal whenever he changes Sydney's diapers? If I remember correctly, he is equally responsible for her being here. It's like he is doing me a favor or something. His need to be super protective of her is getting on my nerves. I KNOW this is NICU related, but every little thing makes him jump up, almost panicked. REALLY. Last night she was crying because she wanted to be fed. He asks me what he should do. She wants solids, I already tried nursing her. I'm like feed her damn it. I'm doing the taxes. He got all mad, and I was like She is your daughter too. I'm really sick of Sydney seeming to be my project, and he is the helper. If he picks her up from day care, he is doing me a favor. If he feeds her, he is helping me out. I'm trying to empower him to care more for her and not step in at every little thing. Sometimes he makes me want to scream.

We are hoping to go on vacation in March, to Disneyland. I keep getting asked if we are taking the baby.... Hello??? What part of FAMILY vacation do you not understand? Sure, it would be easier without her, but then I would miss seeing her eyes when we take her on Its a Small World. She won't remember the details, but she will remember being with her parents, and we will remember the time we all spent together. So what if we ride the trill rides alone as we swap the baby? Who really cares? I don't believe I do a lot of bonding while on the Indiana Jones ride. Come on. Thrill rides are essentially a solitary activity, shared among strangers. Plus, as I'm still nursing, I'd either have to wean (That's a dumb reason to wean, IMNSHO) or pump. No vacation is a chance to not pump. Plus, I don't think I could be away from her that long, I would miss her so, and so would Vince. I have so little time with her, that when I use leave, I really want to be with her, and with Vince, as a family. All together. Yes, I know this means hauling a car seat and stroller to California. Oh well.

I'm so excited about this. Vince and I have not had a real vacation for 4 years. (Mesquite and Bear Lake don't count.) We are flying, renting a car, and staying at a hotel. We will be there 4 nights but because our plane gets there early and leaves late, we will have 5 full days there. We will do Disneyland for 3 days, Knotts Berry Farm for one, and have a free day to go to the beach and go see friends. I'm counting down.

Vince currently has orders to be gone August-October, and then November to January. Yup, looks like he will be gone for Christmas. Shit. I KNOW this is a part of military life, but that does not mean I have to be celebrating right now. Still sucks, expected or not.

For Trista.... Basically I've been wearing one pair of shoes.... Black Loafers I bought at Target. Just like these, only the toes on mine are all scuffed.

TMI, deep thought, an update, and some ranting all in one post!!

So, here I am. I have several random thoughts to post, so I'll order them. Felt the need to play with color....

1. New Job Love it!!! The new job is very laid back. I have to be a go-getter to get any training attention. The laid back style is a refreshing and relaxing change. Problem is, I am lonely. People here are pretty solitary, meaning, I'm the only one with my door open any time. I also feel like the feeling your car makes when you mean to put the manual transmission into 5th gear, but accidentally go into 3rd or even 1st. You know, that jearking lurching, throw you against the stearing wheel feeling? Things are so much slower and low pressure here, it is odd after 4 years of constant pressure.
2. Had my annual OB exam today. VERY weird being there for an exam, not pregnant. Took the baby with me. She decided to scream just before Dr. Calm came in to do a pelvic, so I nursed during the pelvic. She and I talked birth control types. I'm on a progesterone only pill. I spot a lot and hate it. Thing is, the RE I saw in SLC told me that if I was not TTC, I need to be on a hormonal BC method. I'm thinking about getting Mirena inserted. She did say that I could go back to my regular pill in a couple of months. Thing is, simply put, and I told her this, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. She said her advice is to have a least 2 years between pregnancies, based on how hard the last one was. I need the time to mentally and physically heal. I need to not have to manage this every day. It is odd for me who has been though infertility to be saying this, but I do not want to get pregnant right now. I want to enjoy Sydney and Vince. I want to emotionally process what I have been through and deal with the emotions I have not dealt with. I want to "be" ready, not just accidentally get pregnant. Since I lost the weight and had surgery, my body has shown itself to be very fertile, by getting pregnant the first cycle off the pill. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think I'm making a big deal, but then I realize this is a big deal for me. She gave me some literature, and I'll think it over. One of my complaints about the pill I'm on right now is the nearly constant spotting, which she said is pretty standard with Mirena for 6 months.
3. OUT with the VBAC patrol. So yesterday, a couple of ladies from chuch came over. One, once she learned I had a c/s wanted to know if the doctor had "meshed" (whatever that means) or double sewed my uterine incision. Well, I partly played dumb. I've read my surgical report, it does not mention a second row of sutures, so I'm betting money I did not have them. Then she wants to know what type of uterine incision I had, and I know exactly where this is going... Yes I had a horizontal incision, and no, I don't want to VBAC. I did not want to discuss the deep emotional and physical reason's I don't want to labor, but too posh to push is not that reason. She kind of implied that was me, when I pointed out that Sydney's birth was c/s to take the risk off of her and onto me, and that I was fine with my c/s. I did not want to point out how terrifying my last pregnancy was, and how reassuring being in competant medical hands was. I also did not want to go in depth into my gynelogical history, that I've already had two uterine incisions, a deformed uterus, which was blessed to carry life, and that I am simply to scared to VBAC. I feel the risk to too great, so I have already discussed this with Dr. Calm, and she said she would prefer a c/s but would support a VBAC attempt as long as her insurance allows it. Simply put, any future children will be born by c/s and I am fine with this. Everyone can make their own choices, and this is mine. So I want the VBAC police to keep their judgements off my body. They don't have to deal with the emotional and physical consequences, I do. I know that a failed VBAC would crush me, and I would rather avoid that all together. Bascially, I'll have a nice scheduled C/S, thank you very much. Oh, she wants me to use some "slippery oak" for Sydney's nose cold, and mix it with formula. I pointed out that Sydney is breast fed. Thanks, but I'll skip the weird stuff right now.
4. Life is not meant to be happy and easy. It is a challenge and a grind. We are here to be tested. We are having a hard time at our home right now. Vince's car is broken, needs major brake work done, money is tight. We are on the one car fleet again, and it is so hard to get worked out. He is really struggling with school and ROTC. I got off the pressure wheel, and he got on. He is having a really hard time getting things done. I'm not helping to lessen the pressure, because I want him to get some sleep and spend some time with us. He is having a hard time with his classes. I wish I could just do the work for him, but that would not help him.
5. Krista is one of those people on the internet who you never meet, but changes your life for good. Krista has brain cancer, and had been re-occurance free for 10 months. She has beaten the odds by where she is today. At her last MRI, there was increased growth, and she has to change drugs and hope the new, nastier ones work. I read this today, and it made me so sad. Krista has done made so many positive improvements in so many lives, mine included. I had so prayed that the cancer would disappear, that this trial would be done for her. It just made me sad to read this news. HUGS Krista.

Rambling C/S post

I posted this on mothering.com, a bb I frequently hang out at.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peppermint
I have a couple of questions that are c-section related.I wish I could ask all of these questions on the regular forums, but I can't spend a ton of time defending my c-sections, BTDT here quite a few times.I feel like because I am *choosing* a repeat c-section, I don't get to make choices for the baby that are "natural". I just want what is best for the little Bean....

I just made the mistake of wandering into birth and beyond and into home birthing. It was this thread which prompted these emotions. I wanna go into labor. I wanna push. I don't want to be judged because my baby was born through my abdomen, not my vagina. I had a medically necessary c/s and I still feel that I am, at least emotionally, defending this. I know that had I not had a c/s DD would not have been alive. Had I done UP (no prenatal care), there is no chance in hell DD would be alive. I would never do UP, and would likely never do a home birth, but those choices are gone from me forever. There is no way I could in good concience have a "low tech" pregnancy. I will likely be high risk as the growth problems can happen at any time in the pregnancy. I would be terrified that without regular u/s we would miss IUGR in my next pregnancy.

I guess I'm sad for what will not be. Hopefully, my next pregnancy will be easy, followed by a ERCS (elective repeat c-section) - at least on paper. I know that due to uterine malformations, two uterine surgeries, etc, I am at a high risk for rupture, and do not feel the need to "prove" anything, not when I knowingly risk my daughter being without a mother. My next c/s will and won't be elective, due to the risks, but I feel I will have to defend this even more, than I feel I need to defend my first c/s.

Another poster on another board said that having a c/s you miss the best part of having a baby - the having of the baby. Am I less of a momma because I never felt a contraction? Or does the 2 months spent on bed rest compensate for that? How about the 48 days in the NICU, being told when and how I can hold DD, how I can mother her? Am I less of a momma because I won't push out baby number 2? If I have a baby number 2? I DESPARATELY want another baby, but am terrified of going through this again.

And what IF I chose a primary c/s? Does that make me a bad person?, a bad mommy? I would say no, it does not. I don't think I am less a mommy because I did not labor. I feel I am her mommy. I was her mommy since before she was concieved, and by my religious beliefs, I will be her mommy for eternity. By the same token, my Bro and SIL are hoping to adopt, and I firmly believe that she will be a mommy just the same as I, even though she did not get pregnant at all.

Honestly, I don't have c/s issues like so many others do. My c/s was not forced on me, it was an educated decision made with the guidance of a OB whom I trust. I trusted her with mine and DD's lives, and she cared for us and helped me bring my baby to life in the only way possible, by c/s. I do not feel I was birth abused, frankly the abuse occured in the NICU, mostly by a fellow social worker. I feel how I was treated by her is part of why I am getting out of child welfare. (The fact I hate my supervisor helps that one too.) I will miss child welfare. I will miss the children. I just don't want to be as involved a social worker as before, as I'm terrified that I'll repeat what the bitchy social worker did to me.

I too want what is best for my next bean, and I did what was best for this bean, the bean currently currled up on my bed. Maybe this is my white flag in the mommy wars. Maybe I'm asserting that my birth is just as valid as anyone elses. Life came from my womb, a life for which we were terrified would never come because of infertility. You can be a mommy without giving birth, as through adoption. So am I, other women who did not birth vaginally, and mommy's by adoption lesser mommies? No. I'm not attacking any one else's position I'm just stating mine. I wanted to vaginally birth. My body was not made to do that. My uterus is deformed, and I am blessed it was able to contain my baby long enough to give life.

That's all I have to say now. Thanks for reading.