Birth Story, Part one

I have decided to re-write and post Sydney's birth story. It will be in chapters, as I feel I'm writing a huge book. Here is part one. It mostly rehashes my obstetric history.

To understand Sydney’s birth story, I have to give you some history.

On our second anniversary, Vince and I decided to try to conceive. We thought we’d just go have fun in bed, and a baby would come. Not so. After about a year of nothing, we started seeing doctors. We had several embarrassing and painful tests. It was so hard to do this. It turned out that I had a very large septum in my uterus, kind of like what is in your nose. It was very large, and needed to be taken care of. After the surgery to resect this, I figured out that the septum was so large it was stretching my uterus and causing pain. It curled around and blocked my cervix so no sperm could get near an egg, if an egg was there. During this time, we were not on any birth control for about 3 years.

Another problem is that I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. I basically did not ovulate and my hormones were bonkers. It was suggested that I lose some weight, as I was very overweight. In 2005, my mom and sister and I went to Weight Watchers, and I managed to lose 30 pounds.

During this time, I was taking Yasmin. The PCOS can cause scaring on the ovaries, and preventing any ovulation helps prevent this. One day, I realized that I had forgotten to get my prescription refilled. I called my doctor, and was told I needed to use an alternative form of contraception, and restart once my period resumes….

Vince and I talked about this. As we had 3 years with no birth control, we figured no problem. We also felt that IF we did get pregnant, well no problem either. We had been told that we would likely need serious medicine up to IVF to get pregnant. However, our reproductive endocrinologist told us after EVERY visit to no use infertility as birth control. I also know that “NO ONE” gets pregnant the first cycle off the pill. When I was not on birth control, my cycles were all over the place, so I figured, no problem.

Fast forward to October 19, 2006. I remember the date because it is my birthday. As I was going to be, a show on PBS was discussing early pregnancy and the effects on the mother. Number one sign: sore breasts. My breasts had been VERY sore for a couple of days at that point, and I was so tired. I had suspicions that I was pregnant at that point, after watching the documentary. I kept this to myself, because I did not want to get Vince excited for nothing. A co-worker who fancies herself a psychic told me I was pregnant. (Maybe she is, but she also said I was having a boy.) I told her not to my knowledge. I had mentioned this to no one at work. There was a rumor about someone we work with being pregnant, and as I was one of few in the childbearing window who was not pregnant, several people came and wanted to know if I was the pregnant one. (It actually turned out to be someone else.)

The next day, while at the pharmacy getting a refill (on the Yasmin of all things) I purchased a home pregnancy test. I waited until I got home, and peed on the stick. Both lines turned pink almost instantly. I can’t tell you how many of those sticks I have peed on just praying it would change colors. It never had before. I could not believe it. Vince had late classes that night. I was dying to tell him. He called and said his class was home early, and was thinking of stopping at the store. I told him to come right home. He came home, and I met him at the door (not my usual thing to do.) He later told me he turned around and looked at my car, sure I had hit something with it. I took him inside and showed him the stick. He asked me what that was, and I told him that he was going to be a daddy. We were so excited and in love.

We went to Yellowstone that weekend with my family. We kept the pregnancy a wonderful little secret between the two of us. I remember my mom saying that next year we can all ride up together in her van. I whispered to Vince that we won’t all fit next year.

After we got home, I went and saw my general pratcioner, who ran a pregnancy test. I told her I was pregnant or dying of cancer, because morning sickness (all day sickness) had arrived. She confirmed that I was pregnant, and referred me to her OB, a woman who I have blognamed Dr. Calm. Dr. Calm delivered my Gp’s children, so I felt that was a pretty good recommendation. I called her office and got an appointment for a couple of weeks out.

The next day, I told my mom, via email. (I thought it was cute to email her the picture of the pregnancy test, but she hated it. Oh Well.) I told people at work. I put the picture up on my blog. At about 3pm, I spotted. I googled this for about 20 minutes, called the GP. Her nurse said this was not likely something to really worry about, but if it got worse, I should go to the ER. I was so worried, that when my friend came into my office, I started crying all over her. She reminded me that we have good health insurance, and I should go to the ER.

Vince works his late job on Wednesday. I called the police department he was working for, as his phone was off because he was in court. I am sure that my voice told how upset I was, as the dispatcher would not let me just pass on the please call me message, rather, she went and got him. I sobbed to him that I was spotting and wanted to go to the ER. He was coming right home.

I cannot tell you how in despair I was. I was so very sad. I called my brother who lives about a mile away. In the LDS religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, and I wanted a blessing. I sobbed to him that I was pregnant and spotting and I wanted a blessing. I had not told him I was pregnant, as he and his wife also struggled with infertility and are waiting to adopt. I was unsure about how to tell them I was pregnant, as I know how hard it has been for me to hear that others close to me are pregnant. It turns out, this was the best way to tell them.

Vince beat them home. When he came in, I just sobbed on him. I felt so guilty, as such a failure. I felt that I was rejecting our little miracle. I just kept sobbing. My brother and his wife came over. He and Vince anointed me with oil consecrated for the healing of the sick. We believe blessings are very sacred, so I will not go into detail. However, the blessing was one of needing strength, challenges to come, and a promise for the best medical care. Sometimes blessings carry promises of miracles and that your worry is not necessary. This was not one of those blessings. The blessing talked about needing the strength of the Lord, and trusting in him. I was so sure that the blessing meant our baby was passing, as did Vince, my brother and his wife. She held me and sobbed, afraid of what would happen at the hospital. She had had similar blessings during her miscarriages. It seemed so cruel, to get pregnant in such a normal way, to lose the baby so soon. It turns out this was a horrible night for them. After they left our home, they went to their adoption class, which was on birth parent’s experiences. They listened to birth parents tell the pain of making placement. My mom was also there, as was her parents. My mom was there supporting Ron, worrying about me in the ER.

Vince drove like a maniac to the hospital. When we got there, as I was not bleeding “too much” we had to wait. We waited an hour, me crying the whole time. Vince cried too. It also seemed to be weirdo night at the ER. There was an old lady screaming about not being able to poop, a couple of drunk people who broke their buddy’s foot among others. NICE.

We finally get taken into the ER. They put me in the GYN room, which scared me, but also was nice as it had walls and a door, the privacy was nice. I kept telling Vince I was so sorry, and he kept telling me this was not my fault. We get forgotten for a while, then in comes the vampire to draw blood. She misses, and is now lining up for poke number two, when the ER doc comes in. ER doc has vampire unhook all her gear, and leave. I was relieved to see her. She is well respected, and has provided excellent care to members of my family, as well as myself in the past. She seemed a bit brisk, but professional. She did a pelvic, which was a blast with no stirrups. She said the cervix was closed, no tissue. She said I needed an ultrasound.

A new CNA comes into the room. She needs to put a catheter in to fill my bladder to help with the ultrasound. If anyone has ever had a catheter placed into a full bladder, well, that’s a new type of torture. Anyway, she missed, and placed the catheter into my vagina. When I told her it was in the wrong place, she denied that it was in the wrong place, so I reached down and pulled it out. She then went and got an RN who got the catheter in. I had to put my legs into a “froggy” position, which was fun. The nurse made it harder for herself by needing to keep me covered while doing this. I told her I was Ok with Vince seeing anything she needed to do, but she kept doing this under cover.

The vampire comes in and finally gets her blood draw. We wait forever, then are wheeled to the ultrasound. I was terrified on way there. I knew that when we got the ultrasound going, we would know very quickly. The tech tried to find the pregnancy via the abdomen. No luck. She then added more fluid to my bladder. Wow, the pain. Again no luck on finding the pregnancy. I’m having a very hard time holding onto my composure at this point. She then, thankfully, drains my bladder. She asks if she can use a vaginal probe. Well, I’ve had those several times before and really have no problems with having them. She gets the probe ready and then we get going.

Then the miracle. There is a heart beat, a nice strong heartbeat. It was magical to hear. Vince and I cried with relief. The little bean was jumping all over the screen. It was a wonderful to see our little one. We were so very worried up to that point. The tech took measurements of our little baby. Based on my last menstrual period the baby was measuring two weeks small. However based on my being irregular, as well as the fact that this was the first cycle off the pill, they are not concerned. I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days. The tech told us that the day before, or two days ago, they would not have been able to see the embryo. Vince and I named the baby “Bean”. Based on my googling earlier on, I knew that the chance of miscarriage was very low at this point. From what I read, once a heart beat is detected, the risk of miscarriage drops significantly. I told this to Vince. We relaxed and were happy. We go back to the ER, and wait, and wait, and wait. We read a lousy sports magazine. We are forgotten. I’m hungry. We are tired. We are bored. We have had the release, and are ready to go home. I’m still catheterized. I’m uncomfortable. Finally, the doctor comes in, and tells us this was a “threatened miscarriage” with a 50/50 chance of still miscarrying. We get forgotten again. Our cell phones start ringing, with family members being concerned. We tell them we are still pregnant. The CNA pops her head in and tells me to get dressed. I remind her I still have a catheter in. She goes “really”, and disappears. It was weird how after we knew we were still pregnant, we just wanted to leave, and were getting impatient. Finally the nurse comes in, removes my catheter, gives me some baby wipes, and leaves. I get dressed. We leave. When we get to the parking lot, my mom was there. My mom figured that since we were still there, we had a miscarriage. We showed her the ultrasound picture of our baby. She says some things, like it only gets harder. I hug her and we all go home, very late. Vince calls his mom and tells her. She says she is very happy for all of us.

The next morning, well, I call in sick. I had told my supervisor already. She seemed less than thrilled. I have a co-worker cover some home visits I had scheduled that day, and neglect to tell him to not mention the pregnancy. Hence, 2 foster parents I work with find out I’m pregnant and almost miscarried way sooner than I am ready for this to occur.

Stay tuned for part 2.

Pictures

New Pictures of Sydney can be found in the Here she is post....

Tagging myself

So Trista tagged 5 unnamed people to do the Cd challenge. Since I totally bagged on her the last time she tagged me, here goes.....

What songs would you have on your personal "meaningful mix" CD? Here are the questions (along with my answers).

1) A favorite political track.
a) Serious: Blowing in the Wind by Bob Dylan
b) Serious part 2: American Idiot by Green Day
b) Funny: Send George Bush a Pretzel by Darryl Cherney and the Chernobles

2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
SO embarassing ... The Macarena by Los Lobes Hey Macarena

3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.
When you say nothing at all - Allison Krauss

4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze its lyrics.
The Gamber by Kenny Rogers

5) A song that you like, that a two year old would like as well.
Feed the Birds - Julie Andrews from Mary Poppins

6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
Popular from Wicked sung by Kristin Chenoweth

7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
Anything by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass. My grandpa would play this for me on his record player, then his 8 track, then his tape deck, and finally his Cd player. He was an early adaptor, and usually was one of the first to get the newest way to play his music. If he was alive, I bet I would have been asked to load up an Ipod for him. Yes he bought the same albums over and over.

8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
Diamonds and Pearls by Prince

9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
Sterotypical but Everybody Hurts by REM In my depression times, I can play this over and over.

10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life.
I will by the Beatles, Followed by Imagine by John Lennon

11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
Forever and Ever, Amen by Randy Travis, Also Here you come again by Dolly Parton

12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
Corney but... Isn't she lovely by Stevie Wonder

13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
Simple Gifts by Alison Kraus and YoYo Ma

14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsenically,
religiously etc.)
All I want to do is make love to you by Heart (I'm not a cheating one night stand with strangers you pick up in the rain kind of gal.) I remember hearing this song with an older friend (she had a car) while in a traffic jam in LA (Cig alert) where we could see the Hollywood sign from the freeway. The song came on and we sang the refrain at the top of our lungs with the top of her convertible down. It was night and the weather was perfect. A wonderful friend and memory. She used to be my babysitter, and stayed my friend and would rescue me from my mom. I was about 12, and we had been to Pasadena for some reason.

15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate

16) Your smooth song, for relaxing.
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
See 1a.... Insensitive by Jann Arden. I actually sent this on a tape to my first love who broke my heart. Annonmsly of course, with the tape labled, this song was written about you. Also Every thing about you by Ugly Kid Joe

18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”
Dancing Queen - Abba

19) A song that makes you reminsce about good times with a family member.
Beauty and the Beast by Angela Lansbury. My sister and I used to watch this over and over. When Angela Lansbury was here, she sang this song. I called my sister on the cell and let her listen to it.

20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
Even Superman by Ryan Shuppe and the Rubber Band

Here she is....

So we went to Kiddie Kandids Monday....

Here are the oh so cute results...

I just love her to pieces.... It has been wonderful having Vince home.

Prayers requested

Here in Utah, they are going to separate a pair of conjoined twins on Monday. Their names are Kendra and Maliyah Herrin. Please pray, light candles, send positive thougths their way, and for their family as well. I cannot imagine what their parents must be going through this weekend.

Their mom's website is http://www.herrintwins.com . A news story about them is located here.

They are some very cute little girls. I hope that all goes well for them and their family.

Sitemeter.com

Anyone know what happened to Sitemeter.com? I can't log in and I know my Id's are correct. When I re-did this blog, I lost my little counter. Anyone know of an alternative to sitemeter?

Birth issues - Long

This is a disjointed post. While writing it, my emotions changed, and the tone of the post changes. I’ll point out where this hit. I left the first part intact, as it was when I read that birth story, unorganized and unproofread.

So, on several of the blogs I’ve been reading or clicked on a link about there has been a fair amount of discussion about home births/natural childbirth. I thought I would throw my hat into this ring.

Before I got pregnant, I was all FOR natural childbirth. I wanted no epidural, no meds, nothing. I was even considering having a home birth. My husband and mother quickly vetoed that idea. My mom had all 5 of us with no pain relief, so I should want that as well. I wanted to do Bradley, and was already mentally deciding if my husband could be my coach, because I questioned his commitment to a “natural” childbirth versus his tolerance for seeing me in pain, which is very low. I also did not want to know the gender of the baby. That flew out the window after the second level II ultrasound, when I decided I really wanted to know.

Then we struggled to get pregnant. I was still gung ho on the “natural” childbirth. Then I got pregnant.

After I got pregnant, I found my desire for a drug free birth slipping. Because I know that this is an area where mind can rule the body, I decided to accept that I was afraid of the pain, and decided that if I wanted an epidural, I would have an epidural. I let go of the guilt I felt over deciding that I may want pain relief in labor, and I was OK with that.

As you may know, I had a high-risk pregnancy, followed by a planned Cesarean section at 34 weeks. It was a c-section or risk losing one or both of us. My OB said she could put me into labor, but my cervix was high and tight, showing no signs of relaxing. I’d be miserable for about 6 hours, then have an emergency c-section, or I could have a scheduled c-section. Since there were strong placental concerns, validated after the birth, there was concern over how much stress the placenta and Sydney could take. We opted for the c-section.

At my 6 week checkup, my OB said that I was a prime candidate for a VBAC, that she supports this, and that the option is mine. So I have a doctor supportive of VBAC, I should be over the moon right?

I came across this post of a home birth after a cesarean section. Frankly it scares me. Whether it is the grittiness, the clitoral stimulation, the honesty of this post, it scares me. When I compare my calm, collected, but stressful and scary c section, I don’t know if I want to do that. The day before I had Sydney, I got constipated worse than I ever have before, and MAYBE got a taste of what it is like trying to have a baby. I hated it.

Several friends of mine had c-sections, one who had wanted to do a home birth followed by trying for a hypno birth. From hearing their stories ….

Tone change occurs here. To understand what hit me, you really need to read the birth story that prompted this change. Go read it and then come back.

While writing this, I came across this birth story of a mom who had a cesarean, saw a teeny bit of the baby, and then the baby left the room. The mom in this story waited 5 years from the traumatic birth to have another baby.

When I went to the author of that blog, I remember thinking, I don’t have birth trauma. My birth went very smoothly. Birth trauma, smurf trauma. Then I read that story and realized that I do have birth trauma. I’ve posted along these lines before, but here goes.

The years of waiting for a pregnancy to occur have me wondering will I get pregnant again? Why am I worried about something which I KNOW is not a given? Why worry about how to give birth when I already know pregnancy is not a guarantee, and I have to worry about getting pregnant first?

The spotting at six weeks taught me that once I am pregnant I may not stay pregnant. After the spotting occurred, I checked my underwear EVERY time I used the facilities for a trace of blood.

The IUGR, bed rest, and the intensive monitoring taught me that pregnancy is not safe. The problems with the placenta could have caused a placental abruption, which could have killed me. The placenta could have failed at any time, which could have killed Sydney. My blood pressures played games of borderline too high, and then borderline too low. The pressure of my uterus on the sciatic nerve put me in constant pain. WHY would I EVER want to do this again?

The c-section taught me that listening to the doctor was a wise decision. Despite what I might have wanted, the c-section was the right way to go. Dr. Calm said that Sydney likely would have died had we waited a couple more days, based on the pathology exam of the placenta.

Sydney’s removal from the delivery room, not seeing her for hours, the worry about if she would be ok, the worry that she would die and all I would see was the little blue and bloody bottom and tiny feet taught me that my child is removable from me. Not seeing her for the 3 days because of the cold sore reinforced this. I also learned that she belongs to others who know better than I do about how to care for her (hence my deferral to my mom.). The constant hand scrubbing taught me that I am too dirty to care for her, while the medical professionals, who rarely scrubbed were clean and better able to care for he than I am.

Why would I trust this body, which has failed me so many times? I failed to get pregnant. My uterus is deformed. I failed to carry my baby to term, because the placenta my body created for her was crap. Her placenta was crap because it implanted at the top of my deformed uterus, where the blood flow is poor.

A large part of me feels that I am being selfish and a glutton for punishment to attempt to get pregnant and have a baby again, after all I’ve been through. I contemplate how I will raise an only child. Sydney would be showered with love, affection and guidance. I also LONG for more children. I love being a mother, and want this experience again. Not the high risk pregnancy, NICU, but the experience of being a new mom, and bringing life to the world. I have also watched my Bro and SIL struggle to adopt, and I don’t believe that path is any easier emotionally. Again, there are no guarantees in life. They may never get a baby. I may never get pregnant. They may end up with a NICU baby. My next baby could be healthy.

When you combine the infertility and the trauma I experienced from this pregnancy, it is no wonder I want the planned, sterility, “safety” that a repeat c-section offers. I want to get the birth part over as quickly as possible. I don’t want to labor. I just want the short method to a baby. I don't want the uncertainty of an experience of which I have no frame of reference, namely labor. I never had a contraction. My cervix never dilated. I do know what to expect from a c-section, and that does give me comfort, because I have done that. Recovery was fairly easy for me. I was up walking about 5 hours later, because I had to be up to see my baby. I was walking with no assistance the day after. Because I had felt so crappy during the pregnancy, I felt wonderful after the birth. The tape burn from my bandage hurt the worst. I honestly feel I could do this again. My pelvic floor is intact. No episiomoty here. Just a little scar above my pubic hair, covered by my big belly. One question I ask is Why do I want to labor? Do I want to labor? I feel like labor is something that a woman is supposed to do not something I feel any burning desire to experience. I feel complete without going through labor. I feel this immense pressure from "society" that I should want a VBAC, and that something must be wrong with me for not wanting a VBAC. Am I wrong for clinging to the "medical model" when the medical model served me well in this last experience? What is defunct in me for not wanting to experience labor?

Women talk about birth being an empowering experience. I don't know if I felt empowered, but I felt something. I did feel empowered when Sydney finally latched and started to breast feed successfully. With her birth, I felt relief. I was relieved she was here alive. Is the goal of birth empowerment, or a healthy mom and baby? For me, the goal is a healthy mom and baby. Empowerment, fulfillment, etc are issues for the mom, secondary to the concerns of the baby.

I did feel that I had control. I participated in the decision to have a c-section. I fully believe it was the best way to go. The section was not forced on me for failing to progress. The section was a jointly made decision, a decision that my husband and I have ownership in making. Maybe that is where the empowerment comes from. I worked with a team of medical professionals to have the best birth possible. Empowerment comes from standing up to the surgical nurse wanting to remove my contacts. I refused. She tattled to the nurse anesthesiologist, and he said they were fine. Empowerment came from my being educated about the process, what was happening to me, and what to expect. Empowerment came as I challenged the social worker. Maybe I was empowered by this process.

Sydney and I are bonded. I had great determination and commitment and I am breast feeding. I was always very committed to breast feeding. I am grateful I don't have to go through the issues that come with wanting to breast feed and being unable to.

From what I have read, emotions play a huge part in being able to give birth, and I am sure my emotional and mental state would lead to a repeat c-section anyway. I know from the non-stress tests, I can very upset when a decel happened. Once, my doc put a towel over the machine so I could not see the readout, and taped a cotton ball over the speaker. Sydney had several decels in her heart rate, and I was getting worried. My doc wanted me to sit there for an hour after eating something and peeing. The test then turned out fine, once I was unable to emotionally react to every little change. The food and urination helped as well.

Thing is, I want to have more babies. I want to get pregnant right now, before I become too afraid to do it again. I want to get pregnant before I get too comfortable in my life as a mother of one. I want to get pregnant before I have too much time to think and ponder about this and realize that I would be crazy to risk this again.

The trade off is so wonderful though. I love every minute with Sydney. I love holding and kissing her. I love how she nurses on me. I want to do this again. I don’t want to have the high risk pregnancy / Nicu again.

My c-section in itself was benign. I was in the hands of a doctor who’s skills I trust. I felt safe and cared for during my actual birth. The pregnancy part was ok too. The Nicu is what scares me. During the c-section, Vince was with me. I knew between him and Dr. Calm, nothing bad would happen to me. After Sydney was born, she was taken into the care of strangers, doctors, nurses, and other medical personal whom I did not know and did not trust. While in the NICU with Sydney, I witnessed how newborns were cared for directly after birth. They received competent care, but no soft words, gentle caresses, no nurturing. I worry what the separations between her and me have done to her. I feel guilty because there are moms who live at the NICU, and I could not. There were no facilities for parents there at our hospital. There were no accommodations for parents. We were told several times to go home and rest.

After she was born, I saw her tiny bottom and feet, and realized how small she really was. I heard one short cry before she left the room. I did not see her for hours after that. When I got back to my room, I started to tell my mom how small she was (Vince was in the hall getting verbally abused by his mom.) and I just started to sob. She was so small and tiny. I was so worried. My mom had me call the NICU, sobbing and all to see how she was doing. Vince got to see her not long after that.

I ached to see her, and when I saw her, I was so sad I had to leave, because I kept falling asleep, or trying to vomit. While in the NICU, I got to see the scene replayed over and over. New mom, in an uncomfortable wheelchair, tubes all over the place, crying because they can’t hold their baby, or leaving in tears, because they have to leave their baby. Backside hanging out because no one thought to put a gown on them to use as a robe. Moms seeing their baby for the first time in a sterile, scary environment.

The thing that worries me about the c-section is at that hospital, which is the BEST hospital in the area my health insurance goes to, all babies leave the c-section room immediately after delivery. I also know this because of where Sydney’s bed was in the NICU. I don’t want my baby to leave the room with me for any routine care. If the baby leaves the room, I will be scared the baby won’t come back, like with Sydney.

This leaves me with a dilemma. I don’t want to labor, but to have a c-section, the baby has to leave the room for assessment. If I labor, I have the chance of my baby not leaving the room, but I am scared of labor. Because of my uterine defect, I run a very high risk of having to have a c-section because I might not be able to push the baby out.

I want to trust my body, but I don’t. By being able to breast feed, I am aware that my body can work as it is supposed to. I just don’t know if I can do this again. I want to have more children, but I am very scared this will happen again.
Was Sydney worth it? Yes, she was. Thing is, no one gets pregnant planning on this happening, at least the first time this happens. If/When I get pregnant, I know there is a strong possibility this will happen all over again. I will be doing something, knowing how hard it can be.

After typing 4 rambling pages, I realized two things. 1) The pregnancy and birth were ok. It was what came after that was awful for me. 2) I need help. I called the EAP, and he is looking for a therapist to help me work through this.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

Phone Call

Yesterday Vince was finally able to call me after being in the field for 10 days. He was not able to have access to a phone while in the field.

Only problem is I left my cell phone in the car.

I missed 6 phone call attempts from him.

When I realized this, I was nearly sick. We have not talked for so long. I want to hear his voice and know he is ok. I wanted to be able to connect with him, help him focus, cheer him up, etc.

It is very hard for me to put into words what I get from a call when he is away. I can hear his voice, a voice that my soul longs to hear. I get to re-affirm, without even talking about this, that he is mine, and I am his. It’s not about me checking up on him, or anything like that. It is a deeper soul connection. It is a way to re-affirm we are ok, loving each other, and still missing the other. It’s more than hearing how his day was. It’s about love and all the simple, soundless ways that lovers express their desire for their lover. Sometimes the calls have a sexual flavor to them, but what is expressed in the calls is much deeper and meaningful than a sexual bond.

So later on that evening, my mom asked me if Vince called. She knew I was expecting a phone call from him. I told her that he called several times while I had left my phone in the car. She knew this, as she had tried to reach me during that time.

She told me “Don’t be upset.” I told her “Don’t”.

I am sure she is referring to her frame of reference. If this had happened, my dad would be furious. Especially once my mom had a cell, she was expected to answer his calls. When he was gone, he would get mad if he called and no one was home. He refused to set a time to call, so there were times we missed out on movies, etc because we were waiting for him to call.

Vince is not like that. I was disappointed I missed his call, not afraid he would be mad. I wanted to reconnect with him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him how good Sydney is doing, and to let him hear her. I just wanted to talk to my husband, and based on the 6 missed calls, he wanted to talk to me too.

My question for her is Don’t what?” Don’t miss him? Don’t be sad he is gone? Don’t miss my life with him? Don’t be sad I had a chance to provide him some love and support and I missed it because I left my damn cell phone in the car?

Thing is, my marriage and hers was very different, and she forgets that. I like my life, she was miserable for years.

About 2 years after Vince and I got married, we hit a rough patch. This coincided with the time that my mom and dad separated. She more than once told me I should just move home. After the first time, I stopped talking to her about what was going on. Of course, she took that to mean that Vince had threatened me or something like that, and one incident brought this to a crescendo. It was winter. I had locked my keys into the house. I was late for work. My coat was in the house. I was cold, and all I had was my cell phone. Vince and I had fought a lot about the locks on the door. I felt that the stupid lock on the knob did nothing, but lock people out. He felt that every lock needed to be locked. I’m not talking about the deadbolt, but the little flip lock on the doorknob. Vince was in class, and was not answering. I called my mom, and the story came out in sobs, because I was already emotionally raw because of the stressful morning, being late for work, and being out in a snowstorm. Basically, she came over, helped me break in, and then insisted that I leave Vince right then. I believe she was trying to help, in her own way. She said that my dad used her misunderstood belief that her parents would not let her come back home if the marriage did not work as a tool to keep her in the abusive marriage. I also believe, through therapy, that she was also looking for someone to be single with, to help her out, and to jointly hate our ex husbands.

I did not leave Vince. I don’t know how I maintained the backbone to date him, marry him, and stay with him. She did not approve of him when we started dating. It was hard. As you all have read, I have a hard time standing up to her. I usually deal with her controlling ways by having distance between us. When Vince and I were dating, I lived at her home. Having the courage to remain true to what makes my life happy, namely having Vince in my life, is one of my proudest achievements.

Vince did call me back. He had very little time to talk because of lights out. It was wonderful to hear his voice. He sounded very tired. He got poison ivy on his face. He got satisfactory reviews on his performance. He got along with the others. He just wants to come home. He gets his cell phone back on Wednesday, and comes home on Saturday. If anyone was to hear our conversation, they would not be able to hear how important the call was, as nothing life shattering was discussed. He heard Sydney make some baby noises, and talked to her a little bit.

I was able to tell him about Sydney. At her weight check yesterday, she weighed 6 pounds .5 ounces!!! She gained 10 ounces in 2 weeks. She is on track developmentally with her chronological age, not her adjusted age. She stays on the apnea monitor because she has had recent apnea spells. The pediatrician is not concerned about this.

Anyway, I was upset I missed his call. When he called back, it was several hours after I had missed his calls. I was sure he would not call again that night. He did call, and it was so nice to talk to him. 4 more days.