Birth issues - Long

This is a disjointed post. While writing it, my emotions changed, and the tone of the post changes. I’ll point out where this hit. I left the first part intact, as it was when I read that birth story, unorganized and unproofread.

So, on several of the blogs I’ve been reading or clicked on a link about there has been a fair amount of discussion about home births/natural childbirth. I thought I would throw my hat into this ring.

Before I got pregnant, I was all FOR natural childbirth. I wanted no epidural, no meds, nothing. I was even considering having a home birth. My husband and mother quickly vetoed that idea. My mom had all 5 of us with no pain relief, so I should want that as well. I wanted to do Bradley, and was already mentally deciding if my husband could be my coach, because I questioned his commitment to a “natural” childbirth versus his tolerance for seeing me in pain, which is very low. I also did not want to know the gender of the baby. That flew out the window after the second level II ultrasound, when I decided I really wanted to know.

Then we struggled to get pregnant. I was still gung ho on the “natural” childbirth. Then I got pregnant.

After I got pregnant, I found my desire for a drug free birth slipping. Because I know that this is an area where mind can rule the body, I decided to accept that I was afraid of the pain, and decided that if I wanted an epidural, I would have an epidural. I let go of the guilt I felt over deciding that I may want pain relief in labor, and I was OK with that.

As you may know, I had a high-risk pregnancy, followed by a planned Cesarean section at 34 weeks. It was a c-section or risk losing one or both of us. My OB said she could put me into labor, but my cervix was high and tight, showing no signs of relaxing. I’d be miserable for about 6 hours, then have an emergency c-section, or I could have a scheduled c-section. Since there were strong placental concerns, validated after the birth, there was concern over how much stress the placenta and Sydney could take. We opted for the c-section.

At my 6 week checkup, my OB said that I was a prime candidate for a VBAC, that she supports this, and that the option is mine. So I have a doctor supportive of VBAC, I should be over the moon right?

I came across this post of a home birth after a cesarean section. Frankly it scares me. Whether it is the grittiness, the clitoral stimulation, the honesty of this post, it scares me. When I compare my calm, collected, but stressful and scary c section, I don’t know if I want to do that. The day before I had Sydney, I got constipated worse than I ever have before, and MAYBE got a taste of what it is like trying to have a baby. I hated it.

Several friends of mine had c-sections, one who had wanted to do a home birth followed by trying for a hypno birth. From hearing their stories ….

Tone change occurs here. To understand what hit me, you really need to read the birth story that prompted this change. Go read it and then come back.

While writing this, I came across this birth story of a mom who had a cesarean, saw a teeny bit of the baby, and then the baby left the room. The mom in this story waited 5 years from the traumatic birth to have another baby.

When I went to the author of that blog, I remember thinking, I don’t have birth trauma. My birth went very smoothly. Birth trauma, smurf trauma. Then I read that story and realized that I do have birth trauma. I’ve posted along these lines before, but here goes.

The years of waiting for a pregnancy to occur have me wondering will I get pregnant again? Why am I worried about something which I KNOW is not a given? Why worry about how to give birth when I already know pregnancy is not a guarantee, and I have to worry about getting pregnant first?

The spotting at six weeks taught me that once I am pregnant I may not stay pregnant. After the spotting occurred, I checked my underwear EVERY time I used the facilities for a trace of blood.

The IUGR, bed rest, and the intensive monitoring taught me that pregnancy is not safe. The problems with the placenta could have caused a placental abruption, which could have killed me. The placenta could have failed at any time, which could have killed Sydney. My blood pressures played games of borderline too high, and then borderline too low. The pressure of my uterus on the sciatic nerve put me in constant pain. WHY would I EVER want to do this again?

The c-section taught me that listening to the doctor was a wise decision. Despite what I might have wanted, the c-section was the right way to go. Dr. Calm said that Sydney likely would have died had we waited a couple more days, based on the pathology exam of the placenta.

Sydney’s removal from the delivery room, not seeing her for hours, the worry about if she would be ok, the worry that she would die and all I would see was the little blue and bloody bottom and tiny feet taught me that my child is removable from me. Not seeing her for the 3 days because of the cold sore reinforced this. I also learned that she belongs to others who know better than I do about how to care for her (hence my deferral to my mom.). The constant hand scrubbing taught me that I am too dirty to care for her, while the medical professionals, who rarely scrubbed were clean and better able to care for he than I am.

Why would I trust this body, which has failed me so many times? I failed to get pregnant. My uterus is deformed. I failed to carry my baby to term, because the placenta my body created for her was crap. Her placenta was crap because it implanted at the top of my deformed uterus, where the blood flow is poor.

A large part of me feels that I am being selfish and a glutton for punishment to attempt to get pregnant and have a baby again, after all I’ve been through. I contemplate how I will raise an only child. Sydney would be showered with love, affection and guidance. I also LONG for more children. I love being a mother, and want this experience again. Not the high risk pregnancy, NICU, but the experience of being a new mom, and bringing life to the world. I have also watched my Bro and SIL struggle to adopt, and I don’t believe that path is any easier emotionally. Again, there are no guarantees in life. They may never get a baby. I may never get pregnant. They may end up with a NICU baby. My next baby could be healthy.

When you combine the infertility and the trauma I experienced from this pregnancy, it is no wonder I want the planned, sterility, “safety” that a repeat c-section offers. I want to get the birth part over as quickly as possible. I don’t want to labor. I just want the short method to a baby. I don't want the uncertainty of an experience of which I have no frame of reference, namely labor. I never had a contraction. My cervix never dilated. I do know what to expect from a c-section, and that does give me comfort, because I have done that. Recovery was fairly easy for me. I was up walking about 5 hours later, because I had to be up to see my baby. I was walking with no assistance the day after. Because I had felt so crappy during the pregnancy, I felt wonderful after the birth. The tape burn from my bandage hurt the worst. I honestly feel I could do this again. My pelvic floor is intact. No episiomoty here. Just a little scar above my pubic hair, covered by my big belly. One question I ask is Why do I want to labor? Do I want to labor? I feel like labor is something that a woman is supposed to do not something I feel any burning desire to experience. I feel complete without going through labor. I feel this immense pressure from "society" that I should want a VBAC, and that something must be wrong with me for not wanting a VBAC. Am I wrong for clinging to the "medical model" when the medical model served me well in this last experience? What is defunct in me for not wanting to experience labor?

Women talk about birth being an empowering experience. I don't know if I felt empowered, but I felt something. I did feel empowered when Sydney finally latched and started to breast feed successfully. With her birth, I felt relief. I was relieved she was here alive. Is the goal of birth empowerment, or a healthy mom and baby? For me, the goal is a healthy mom and baby. Empowerment, fulfillment, etc are issues for the mom, secondary to the concerns of the baby.

I did feel that I had control. I participated in the decision to have a c-section. I fully believe it was the best way to go. The section was not forced on me for failing to progress. The section was a jointly made decision, a decision that my husband and I have ownership in making. Maybe that is where the empowerment comes from. I worked with a team of medical professionals to have the best birth possible. Empowerment comes from standing up to the surgical nurse wanting to remove my contacts. I refused. She tattled to the nurse anesthesiologist, and he said they were fine. Empowerment came from my being educated about the process, what was happening to me, and what to expect. Empowerment came as I challenged the social worker. Maybe I was empowered by this process.

Sydney and I are bonded. I had great determination and commitment and I am breast feeding. I was always very committed to breast feeding. I am grateful I don't have to go through the issues that come with wanting to breast feed and being unable to.

From what I have read, emotions play a huge part in being able to give birth, and I am sure my emotional and mental state would lead to a repeat c-section anyway. I know from the non-stress tests, I can very upset when a decel happened. Once, my doc put a towel over the machine so I could not see the readout, and taped a cotton ball over the speaker. Sydney had several decels in her heart rate, and I was getting worried. My doc wanted me to sit there for an hour after eating something and peeing. The test then turned out fine, once I was unable to emotionally react to every little change. The food and urination helped as well.

Thing is, I want to have more babies. I want to get pregnant right now, before I become too afraid to do it again. I want to get pregnant before I get too comfortable in my life as a mother of one. I want to get pregnant before I have too much time to think and ponder about this and realize that I would be crazy to risk this again.

The trade off is so wonderful though. I love every minute with Sydney. I love holding and kissing her. I love how she nurses on me. I want to do this again. I don’t want to have the high risk pregnancy / Nicu again.

My c-section in itself was benign. I was in the hands of a doctor who’s skills I trust. I felt safe and cared for during my actual birth. The pregnancy part was ok too. The Nicu is what scares me. During the c-section, Vince was with me. I knew between him and Dr. Calm, nothing bad would happen to me. After Sydney was born, she was taken into the care of strangers, doctors, nurses, and other medical personal whom I did not know and did not trust. While in the NICU with Sydney, I witnessed how newborns were cared for directly after birth. They received competent care, but no soft words, gentle caresses, no nurturing. I worry what the separations between her and me have done to her. I feel guilty because there are moms who live at the NICU, and I could not. There were no facilities for parents there at our hospital. There were no accommodations for parents. We were told several times to go home and rest.

After she was born, I saw her tiny bottom and feet, and realized how small she really was. I heard one short cry before she left the room. I did not see her for hours after that. When I got back to my room, I started to tell my mom how small she was (Vince was in the hall getting verbally abused by his mom.) and I just started to sob. She was so small and tiny. I was so worried. My mom had me call the NICU, sobbing and all to see how she was doing. Vince got to see her not long after that.

I ached to see her, and when I saw her, I was so sad I had to leave, because I kept falling asleep, or trying to vomit. While in the NICU, I got to see the scene replayed over and over. New mom, in an uncomfortable wheelchair, tubes all over the place, crying because they can’t hold their baby, or leaving in tears, because they have to leave their baby. Backside hanging out because no one thought to put a gown on them to use as a robe. Moms seeing their baby for the first time in a sterile, scary environment.

The thing that worries me about the c-section is at that hospital, which is the BEST hospital in the area my health insurance goes to, all babies leave the c-section room immediately after delivery. I also know this because of where Sydney’s bed was in the NICU. I don’t want my baby to leave the room with me for any routine care. If the baby leaves the room, I will be scared the baby won’t come back, like with Sydney.

This leaves me with a dilemma. I don’t want to labor, but to have a c-section, the baby has to leave the room for assessment. If I labor, I have the chance of my baby not leaving the room, but I am scared of labor. Because of my uterine defect, I run a very high risk of having to have a c-section because I might not be able to push the baby out.

I want to trust my body, but I don’t. By being able to breast feed, I am aware that my body can work as it is supposed to. I just don’t know if I can do this again. I want to have more children, but I am very scared this will happen again.
Was Sydney worth it? Yes, she was. Thing is, no one gets pregnant planning on this happening, at least the first time this happens. If/When I get pregnant, I know there is a strong possibility this will happen all over again. I will be doing something, knowing how hard it can be.

After typing 4 rambling pages, I realized two things. 1) The pregnancy and birth were ok. It was what came after that was awful for me. 2) I need help. I called the EAP, and he is looking for a therapist to help me work through this.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.