Yes Faith, there is a Santa Claus

No, I'm not dead.

I'm actually ok. Really I am.

I have had a hard time thinking of things to post, hence the silence. I just don't think you all really want to hear me whine about missing Vince over and over, and that's what I feel I'd write.

A brief synopsis of what I've been up to

1. Still employed at the same place, doing the same thing.
2. Syd has 3 new teeth, and is so close to really walking.
3. She can expertly climb up and down stairs.
4. My Wellbutrin was switched to generic and stopped working. I'm on Effexor now.
5. I have spent a lot of time watching Star Trek videos on you tube.
6. I even bought some seasons of Voyager off Ebay.
7. I've been reading a lot of Janeway/Chakotay fanfic. I've written some, but am too embarrassed to post it anywhere. I've spent a LOT of time at home reading this.
8. I found some old fan fic I wrote years ago. I'll share only if I ever meet you in person, or I know you in person (Dawn, Trista, Susan, etc this means you) You are free to compliment, but are are forbidden to ever mock me (well teasing because it is so bad is ok). Bad writing here. I wrote it in college, and before I was married. I swear it is bad.
9. I'm lonely. My appetite has been sucking lately because of Vince being gone. The bright side of this is I've lost close to 25 pounds.
10. Syd is finally out of the bucket car seat and into a convertible one. I still have her rear facing.

On a very happy note, I just got back from 4 wonderful days with Vince in St. Louis. He had a break between his trainings, and I flew out to see him. I left Syd with my mom. That was hard. We stayed at a Hilton, and the hotel was wonderful. We had a wonderful time just being with each other. We were able to see the play "Rent" which was on tour there, and the play was marvelous. We ate at lovely restaurants, and went to Six Flags. I HATED our rental car, and HHR, because the blind spots were huge, but otherwise the time was fantastic. It was the first time I had left him at the airport, usually he leaves me standing there, and it was really hard on him to see me go. He said he now understands how it is hard to be left behind. I now know how hard it is to walk away from the person you love and go deal with the TSA.

While on the TSA, my carry on bag often doubles as my lunch bag. It had a fruit cup in a side pocket, a fruit cup I had forgotten all about and had no idea how old it is. You would not believe the fuss over a fruit cup. I told them to throw it away, and they had to consult supervisors over it. I was allowed to keep my fruit cup, which I threw away because it looked old.

The flight to St. Louis was wonderful. I had the bench to myself and stretched out and read a book while sipping Diet Coke then tea, with music playing on the Ipod. So very relaxing and nice. It was such a burden off of me to know that I literally HAD to sit there and relax. No one could call me, and I could not call anyone. I did not have to feed Syd, just sit there and be. It was heavenly. Flights home not so much, but the flight there was wonderful.

Confidential to Sarah: Your card came on a very low day for me. I saved the money and Vince and I enjoyed dinner in St. Louis on my birthday thanks to you. I thought of you when we ordered, and said a grateful prayer for your kindness.

Confidential to Faith: Thanks for prompting me to write again. I was afraid I would start and never stop because I have so much to say. It was moving to see your post today.

Confidential to Dawn: Thanks for being here with me. And thanks for helping me clean my disaster of a house. Only a true friend would come and sort through this mess.

Down day

Syd's sleeping is not going well. She cries for about 20 minutes, sleeps for about an hour, lather rinse repeat. It is very hard. I've started talking to her about sleeping and preparing her for it. It is just hard. I want to say thanks for all the tips and ideas people have sent me, I really appreciate them. Things are improved over my I'm losing it post, but they are still a challenge. I'm worried she is having nightmares, because she wakes up screaming as if she is scared. Now she goes to sleep very easy at day care. DCP says she plays a little than goes to sleep. UGG WHY can she do it there, but not at home?

I'm down today. The overwhelming burden of Vince leaving is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm pretty near crying right now. I restarted the Wellbutrin today. I've been off for a couple of months and have done fine, but I'm worried about what will come. So I'm being proactive and restarting the meds.

17 days until he leaves. I keep reminding myself that this is a good thing, at least he is not in Baghdad, blah, blah, blah, but I also keep thinking... My Lover is leaving for 6 freaking months. (I'd swear but I'm posting from work.) That is the overwhelming part right now. 6 MONTHS. I know the time will pass because it always does, but that's where I am right now. The anticipatory grief one has before a big loss occurs.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

Oh, and Trista, I'll work on the blinkies.

Is she crazy?

Dh's leaving for about 6 months of military training. This is because of his recent promotion and is a good thing.

Some points to think about.

1. Work and Day care are within 10 minutes from my house.
2. My mom lives 45 minutes away.
3. She wants me to let my rental house go, store all my stuff, get rid of my cats, and move in with her.
4. I'd basically moved in with her right after DD came home and DH left for 6 weeks of training. It was HELL. Pure and simple Hell. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. My mom is a controlling gal.
6. I'd save about 900 a month in rent, utilities, etc.
7. I'd have to rent a storage unit, change our insurance policies, etc.
8. My commute would more than triple. The IRS puts mileage at 48.5 cents per mile. Last time I did this commute, I averaged 80 miles a day. 80*.485*25= 470.45 a month. (18.18 A DAY!!!!!)
9. Rent on a storage unit would likely be about 200 a month.
10. I'd have to rehome my cats. While I have one I would like to rehome (he is a loveable pest) I'd hate to rehome all of them.
11. Last time I crashed in her room. I had no closet space. I had no TV as she does not have cable. I got when are you coming home? When will you be back? Why do you spend $3 on a half a gallon of organic milk? It was not home.
12. I had to keep neat and orderly at all times.... my mom's rules. She insists on communal laundry doing, and got mad that I was not interested in particpating. I wanted to do my own laundry, not the whole house holds.
13. When things got bad, and they did, it was ALL my fault. Why? Because I'm the scapgoat in my family, and because I was disrupting thier routine. Well I have my own routine, TUVM.
14. My mom is a morning person. I'm not a morning person AT ALL.

Just looking at the math here.... I'd save about $200 a month. HA. Go through hell for $200 a month. Not likely. Last time I did not have a day care provider for Syd, and I wanted to keep her out of day care since she just got home. This time I have an excellent provider for Syd, and have no problems with her being in day care. I'd spend at least that in retail therapy, and I did last time, why? Because I was left alone in the stores. Then I'd get the 3rd degree when I came home with purchases.

I love my mom, and I'm working on redefining my relationship with her. I do really good dealing with her controlling crap from 30 miles away. I don't do so good at that living with her. I am not a child, yet it seemed I was expected to be one. I'm grateful for the offer, and fully plan on leaving Syd with them for a weekend when I fly and visit Vince.

She said to me that she does not know if I could handle being a single mother. Lovely vote of confidence there. NICE, really NICE. Sure I'm not the greatest house keeper on the planet, but a couple of friends have offered to help me organize and get things de-cluttered. How about she offers to come help me with deep cleaning and no commentary? How about she picks Syd up and goes to my house so I don't have to drive the round trip to her home so I can go grocery shopping? How about she offer help me some way I want help, not what she thinks is best?

I don't wanna move. 6 Months with my mom? She must be joking.

Soooooooo

Vince met with his commander.

And it went much better than expected.

Vince becomes a Second Lieutenant on Friday!

THANK GOD that the ROTC phase of our lives is over and we get to move on.

I am beyond relieved.

I am so happy. I am so glad that all the sacrifice and struggle and loss of the last 2 years related to this program have come to fruition.

I am so relieved for Vince. I really dreaded having to work him through not commissioning.

D-Day

Well today is the day.

Today Vince learns if he earns a commission or not.

I'm terribly nervous.

I'm very glad that the sword hanging over us will fall. I'm very glad that the anxiety, the worry, and the stress will be over, no matter what his commander decides. I'm trying to focus on today, not worry about the what ifs, but I'm not doing too well on that point.

As for Syd and her sleeping.... ROFLOL.

Last night I kept her up all evening. It was a fight to keep her up from 9 to 10. At 10 I got her ready for bed and she went to sleep. I'm so tired I collapsed as well. We were both asleep before 10:30. I was very excited thinking she would actually sleep all night.

Ummm... No.

She woke up at 1:30 and stayed that way. I got some sleep on the couch.

CIO starts tonight. One thing I realized is that I need to feed her heavy foods before she sleeps, because she wakes up hungry. So I'll feed her pediasure, turkey, and baby cereal, then she can go to sleep. And she stays in her bed for the rest of the night. I'm setting up the small crib my mom gave me tonight. Oh, and she is sleeping in another room other than mine as well. I love my baby, but this sleeping like crap has to stop. She and I both need this to stop. It is draining all my resources.

On to my mom. Yes she needs to STFU. I'm well aware she does not think I'm a skilled mom at getting Syd to sleep. What we had been doing had been working until about a month ago, then it all went to hell. I'm trying to do what I think is best. I now think this course of action is best for us.

Oh.... she offered to have me move in with her while Vince is gone. She said I'd save the money I'd spend on rent, and can put my things in storage. Yeah. NO. NOT HAPPENING. I have to have my space to parent. I don't believe in parenting by committee, which is what it was when I lived there last year. Parenting by committee, a committee I was not on because I disagreed with them. I need to parent her, My mom needs to grandparent her, and my sisters need to aunt her. Sheesh. I don't need that pressure. I hated living there. It was really bad. And she wants me to do it for 6 months???? SOOOOOOOOO not happening.

So please pray for Vince today, and for me and Syd tonight.

Will the real Army Wife please step up?

So a "Real Army Wife" thinks I suck as an Army wife because I hate the president. MMMM KAY. Jusging by her user name, and that she just registered in May of 2007 and had 2 profile views, one of which was mine, I am flattered she chose to register with blogger all so she could express her opinion to me. You know... you could have posted on a more recent post instead of me hunting to a post from September 2006.

So on my Blinkies post of long ago she posted this gem.

Ok you are a military wife, & you hate GWB? I am sure I am not posting in
the right place, but my question to you is,"How long have you been a military
wife?" How can you be a proud military wife, & not support their efforts- Go
on hating & support terrorism, be sure to vote for a yellow belly democrat
who wants to defund the war to put our soldiers/husbands/wives/sons/daughters in danger- When my husband enlisted into the Army, he knew what he was signing up
for-

Oh really.... I don't remember taking a mindless loyalty oath when I married my husband. I don't remember being required to check my brain when I go on base and by diapers at the PX.

I've been a proud military wife since I married. We will be married 8 years the end og this month.

I'm HIGHLY offended that you take my patriotic questioning of the president and his messed up administration of YES people to be "supporting terrorism." I do not support terrorists who want to kill and destroy everything I love. Last time I checked.... Osama Bin Laden is still alive... He attacked us. Saddam Hussein, while being a VERY evil man, did not attack us, and he is dead.

I'd like to direct you to this quote from Theodore Roosevelt...

"The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole.Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else."
Kansas City Star", 149 May 7, 1918

In order for there to be freedom, there needs to be the ability to question and YES, be VERY angry at our leadership. In order for our country to work... we need to be free to question our leaders.

I can, and AM, an excellent military wife, and I think my questioning the president make me a better spouse. DH did not marry a mindless autontom. He married a woman who thinks and has a brain.

Don't you all just love how all democrats are "yellow bellies" and what are the republicans.... Yes sir Ditto heads? Posts like this one are the reason we have an us versus them problem in this country.

So Real Army Wife... you can sod off.