Great news... Sydney weighs 3 pounds 3 ounces. She has gained half a pound over her birth weight. She is starting to look a bit more rounder and filled out in her face.
So Friday was a BAD night. (I actually typed Saturday, but realized the days are running together.) Before we even got to Sydney, Vince got a lecture because he had taken off his wrist band and put it in his wallet. I remember being told this was ok to do, but a policy changed since this, and we got a lecture. The nurse whom we usually like, over reacted (In our NSHO) and put Sydney back in her isolette way before the time was up. Sydney threw one quick brady, and back into the isolette. The nurse just came over and said she needs to go back. Well, this made Vince mad, and upset me. I think it was the way it happened, as I will explain later. I started crying, and basically left the NICU. I barely said bye to Sydney, and left. I felt so incompetent. I felt that the nurse was saying I was harming Sydney because she is over stimulated. I felt I was to blame. There is SO little privacy in the NICU, I seriously felt I would have more privacy in the hall, so I went out. Vince stayed to see that she was settled down. Before I left, a nurse we do like came over and tried to talk and joke with us. We were seriously in no mood to joke, so we came off rather rude. After Vince came out of the NICU, and we went to leave, the ONE thing I did not need to see was going on. The hospital was discharging a mother and baby at 11 at night (WHY are they discharging so late at night?) Well, the tears started all over again.
After I had cried in the parking lot for about 20 minutes, I called the nurse we kind of abrupt with and told her we were not mad at her, that we had a hard night. I did not mean to tell her what happened as our nurse that night was the charge nurse, but the story came out in tears. As this nurse does, she listened and explained. She educated and answered questions I was asking but did not know how to say. I vented some frustrations, not at her but at this situation. Talking to her was a God send. I am so glad I called her. I did not like to hear all she had to say, but she was right.
Part of the problem that we discussed is that I had started to feel competent as Sydney's mother in the little tasks I do, and this shattered this. With the nurse taking over, our ability to parent her was questioned. We had started to feel empowered as her parents, and this just threw that into question. The teaching nurse gave me some ways to counter this, but admitted that for now, our parenting toes will get stepped on.
HOWEVER, fast forward to Saturday morning. Another nurse who was not one of my favorites was on. We had just never clicked. We got Sydney out of the incubator, and she drew the curtain part way around us, to try to give us some privacy. (It was c-section Saturday, and there were 2 new babies and their families around.) Sydney again started to show signs of over stimulation. Flower (she wears floral scrub tops) helped us try to calm her, and told us she was doing ok. Vince wanted to put her back at the first sign of trouble, but Flower told us she was doing ok. After a bit, Sydney again began showing signs of over-stimulation, and Vince and I both noticed this. Flower came over and said she was seeing these signs, and asked us what we wanted to do. We put her back into her isolette. No tears, no hurt feelings, nothing like that. Basically, Flower INVOLVED us in the decisions about her care, and we agreed. Neither Vince nor I have ever fought putting her back to rest if she is stressed, and it was nice to see that our opinion mattered and was valued. May I say, Flower's stock went up so much she got a nickname on my blog. She allowed us to participate in the decision, and allowed us to care for our daughter by recognizing her stress signs, and doing what was best for her. Flower also did not over react. Instead, she stayed close by in case there was a problem, but also gave us some space to parent Sydney.
When we went back, the swing nurse was on. She is a very nice nurse. Curly, had put a bow in Sydney's hair. It looks so cute. She also apologized for having already given Sydney her bath. Sydney vomited up her vitamin, and it got everywhere. Curly said it was in her hair, and she figured I would rather have her clean that waiting for me in dried vomit. Curly guessed right. I thanked her for taking good care of my daughter. No problems with over stimulation last night or this morning.
I will tell you that this latest experience has drained me. I have been asking the nurses for reassurance that Sydney is doing ok while we are holding her. Vince is also really jumpy. Sydney cried last night, and her heart rate when really up. Sydney is not a real crier, so for her to cry is unnerving for us. Curly assured us it was because she was hungry, and once I started to give her a bottle, she calmed right down and ate.
They upped her cc's per meal to 26. She has been having great runs of eating, followed by eating 2 ccs. Her new high of ccs eaten at one time is 21! So close.
Oh, this is our anniversary. We went and picked out watches for each other. I wanted a watch with a metal band that I did not have to remove every time I scrubbed in at the NICU. Vince needs a new watch because the indiglo went out. I got an Eeyore watch, as I've always liked Eeyore. We have been married for 7 years today. I am actually glad we have those 7 years under our belt, because I know that those years of building a foundation of strength and living through challenges is helping us today.
Army Wife Blinkies
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
Another day, another ounce.
Sydney continues to do great. She is doing quite well managing her temperature, and they MAY be looking to wean her from the isolette sometime this week.
Her weight yesterday was 2 pounds 15.8 ounces. SO close to 3 pounds. Hopefully she will hit this weight today. She has been a lot more active and alert lately, I am hopeful that the minimum stimulation protocol will come down. Of course, I'll let her sleep and rest. However yesterday, I had to put her back wide awake. She and I looked at each other through the plastic of her isolette. She did not want to be put back, she wanted to be held. I made faces at her and talked to her until she calmed down and slept. She set a new record for ccs eaten by mouth... 20ccs.
Saw Dr. Calm today. I'm cleared to go back to work on Tuesday, part time. Part of me is dreading going back, and part of me is very excited. The placenta report is back, it was full of infarcts and calcification's. I need to get a copy of this, I just forgot to ask. She said that seeing this, she thinks we had days on the placenta, so the correct decision to deliver was made. I showed her and the staff pictures of Syd, and it was a little sad because they know me because I was ALWAYS there, and I'm there no longer pregnant with no baby. Hopefully when I go back in 4 weeks, Syd will come too. My incision is healing nicely. Some things are still hard, like scooting in a bench at a restaurant or turning over in bed. She had to help me up off the examining table. She pointed out that both Sydney and I are healthy, and alive. After hearing about the placenta, without good medical care, it could have easily turned out much worse for either or both of us.
I'm also guilty over the fact that I have to go back, and that I am looking forward to this. I went to a staff meeting this week. It felt so nice to feel competent, educated, and wanted. I question myself a lot about what I'm doing, etc in the NICU, so it felt nice to know that I know the game and the score. It also was "nice" to be back in the old grind which I know and am familiar with. Same DCFS BS, different day. I felt like I was not being second guessed. I feel that going back will not only stretch my leave out, and it will give me some structure and objective to my days while I wait for her to come home. However, after staff meeting, I was talking to a friend on the phone en route to the hospital. I started crying really hard and had to pull over. Bad thing is that here in Utah, they love to dig up perfectly good roads, so I had to wait for a safety pullout and then pull over. Being in the safety pull out scared me as there is barely enough room to get your car out of traffic and then you are pinned in by traffic on one side and then cement barriers on the other. It got my crying under control pretty quick because I decided I'd like to get out of the pullout and live. Getting out of the pullout was a task and and a half. I had to get a really big opening, as there is no room to build up speed to merge.
Any of the other NICU moms out there experienced the urge to strangle someone who seems to think because you don't have a new baby at home you are well rested and lucky? Yeah try sleeping when your little one is in the care of strangers. Add to that the JOY of pumping, then trying to fall back asleep again. Yeah, it is much easier to have to shower, eat, get dressed, and drive to see your baby than go to the cradle. Some people just fail to think. I'm guilty of this at times too.
My mom finally checked out Sydney's blog. She thinks I may had put things that are very personal on there. HAH!!! What would she think if she saw this blog? I have concealed this blog from her very carefully. I'm still working on Sydney's blog. I really want to get this finished by Monday. This is because I have printed up her birth announcements with the blog address on them, and better have it current when everyone gets their announcements. :)
Speaking of this, if you would like an announcement, please email me privately, and I'll send you one, as long as I don't think you are a freak. So far this has been a freak free blog, except for the writer of the blog, so let me know.
The NICU and the pumping is draining. I really just want her to come home. I'm getting better with being more assertive and proactive.
Two nights ago, the nurse on that night was not supposed to be Sydney's nurse. The nurse was the nurse that upset me so much on Mother's day. We learned of this by seeing her do something in Sydney's isolette. Vince talked to the charge nurse about this, and it seems that there was no other nurse available. The nurse was on her BEST behavior, and we could tell she was nervous. It turned out ok, and we ended up doing some small talk about the dang road construction. Even so, I mentioned to the charge nurse that a phone call to let us know about this would have been appreciated. I could have got my anger, nerves, temper tantrum out at home, not having to face this in the hall after scrubbing. This turned out ok, but was not a surprise I wanted to see. I think a phone call could have saved a lot of problems. I mean when I saw her and Vince told me she was the nurse, I very nearly left. The only thing that kept me there was that I had to deal with that woman if I wanted to see my daughter. My desire to see Sydney was stronger than my desire to not interact with her.
So my dad is being weird. He appears to be trying to prove what a great grandpa he is. My mom has an arm band (the magic key to getting to Sydney.) and goes and feeds her at 3pm every day. My dad learned about my mom's arm band and wanted one. What do I say? I don't want to lie, but I also don't want him in there talking guns or business deals with Iran that did not go through. I authorized one for him, but he does not get to hold her. Simply put, since we are only allowed so many holdings a day, I can't spare any more of them. My mom started going to see Sydney a lot when I could not. She works by the hospital, so I don't mind, and I can't always be there. So he gets to go see her, it won't hurt her and will make him feel better. I did tell him that he needs to let me know when he is going, so we can plan for this. I also told him that if he shows up without telling us and we are there, we are not ending our visit. (They only allow 2 visitors at a time.) I told him that my mom has 3 claimed, and that Vince and I go at 9am and 9pm, but we may change our minds at other times. I was not trying to be rude or anything, just trying to set some boundaries and expectations.
MIL issues are still stewing. I'll explain tomorrow, but suffice it to say, I am livid about how she has been acting lately. She is being very cruel to my husband, and she seems to think everything is ok.
Anyway, each gram she gains is closer to her coming home. Each time she eats from her bottle more and more, she is closer to coming home. Tomorrow is her 2 week birthday, and each day that passes is one day closer to her being home.
Her weight yesterday was 2 pounds 15.8 ounces. SO close to 3 pounds. Hopefully she will hit this weight today. She has been a lot more active and alert lately, I am hopeful that the minimum stimulation protocol will come down. Of course, I'll let her sleep and rest. However yesterday, I had to put her back wide awake. She and I looked at each other through the plastic of her isolette. She did not want to be put back, she wanted to be held. I made faces at her and talked to her until she calmed down and slept. She set a new record for ccs eaten by mouth... 20ccs.
Saw Dr. Calm today. I'm cleared to go back to work on Tuesday, part time. Part of me is dreading going back, and part of me is very excited. The placenta report is back, it was full of infarcts and calcification's. I need to get a copy of this, I just forgot to ask. She said that seeing this, she thinks we had days on the placenta, so the correct decision to deliver was made. I showed her and the staff pictures of Syd, and it was a little sad because they know me because I was ALWAYS there, and I'm there no longer pregnant with no baby. Hopefully when I go back in 4 weeks, Syd will come too. My incision is healing nicely. Some things are still hard, like scooting in a bench at a restaurant or turning over in bed. She had to help me up off the examining table. She pointed out that both Sydney and I are healthy, and alive. After hearing about the placenta, without good medical care, it could have easily turned out much worse for either or both of us.
I'm also guilty over the fact that I have to go back, and that I am looking forward to this. I went to a staff meeting this week. It felt so nice to feel competent, educated, and wanted. I question myself a lot about what I'm doing, etc in the NICU, so it felt nice to know that I know the game and the score. It also was "nice" to be back in the old grind which I know and am familiar with. Same DCFS BS, different day. I felt like I was not being second guessed. I feel that going back will not only stretch my leave out, and it will give me some structure and objective to my days while I wait for her to come home. However, after staff meeting, I was talking to a friend on the phone en route to the hospital. I started crying really hard and had to pull over. Bad thing is that here in Utah, they love to dig up perfectly good roads, so I had to wait for a safety pullout and then pull over. Being in the safety pull out scared me as there is barely enough room to get your car out of traffic and then you are pinned in by traffic on one side and then cement barriers on the other. It got my crying under control pretty quick because I decided I'd like to get out of the pullout and live. Getting out of the pullout was a task and and a half. I had to get a really big opening, as there is no room to build up speed to merge.
Any of the other NICU moms out there experienced the urge to strangle someone who seems to think because you don't have a new baby at home you are well rested and lucky? Yeah try sleeping when your little one is in the care of strangers. Add to that the JOY of pumping, then trying to fall back asleep again. Yeah, it is much easier to have to shower, eat, get dressed, and drive to see your baby than go to the cradle. Some people just fail to think. I'm guilty of this at times too.
My mom finally checked out Sydney's blog. She thinks I may had put things that are very personal on there. HAH!!! What would she think if she saw this blog? I have concealed this blog from her very carefully. I'm still working on Sydney's blog. I really want to get this finished by Monday. This is because I have printed up her birth announcements with the blog address on them, and better have it current when everyone gets their announcements. :)
Speaking of this, if you would like an announcement, please email me privately, and I'll send you one, as long as I don't think you are a freak. So far this has been a freak free blog, except for the writer of the blog, so let me know.
The NICU and the pumping is draining. I really just want her to come home. I'm getting better with being more assertive and proactive.
Two nights ago, the nurse on that night was not supposed to be Sydney's nurse. The nurse was the nurse that upset me so much on Mother's day. We learned of this by seeing her do something in Sydney's isolette. Vince talked to the charge nurse about this, and it seems that there was no other nurse available. The nurse was on her BEST behavior, and we could tell she was nervous. It turned out ok, and we ended up doing some small talk about the dang road construction. Even so, I mentioned to the charge nurse that a phone call to let us know about this would have been appreciated. I could have got my anger, nerves, temper tantrum out at home, not having to face this in the hall after scrubbing. This turned out ok, but was not a surprise I wanted to see. I think a phone call could have saved a lot of problems. I mean when I saw her and Vince told me she was the nurse, I very nearly left. The only thing that kept me there was that I had to deal with that woman if I wanted to see my daughter. My desire to see Sydney was stronger than my desire to not interact with her.
So my dad is being weird. He appears to be trying to prove what a great grandpa he is. My mom has an arm band (the magic key to getting to Sydney.) and goes and feeds her at 3pm every day. My dad learned about my mom's arm band and wanted one. What do I say? I don't want to lie, but I also don't want him in there talking guns or business deals with Iran that did not go through. I authorized one for him, but he does not get to hold her. Simply put, since we are only allowed so many holdings a day, I can't spare any more of them. My mom started going to see Sydney a lot when I could not. She works by the hospital, so I don't mind, and I can't always be there. So he gets to go see her, it won't hurt her and will make him feel better. I did tell him that he needs to let me know when he is going, so we can plan for this. I also told him that if he shows up without telling us and we are there, we are not ending our visit. (They only allow 2 visitors at a time.) I told him that my mom has 3 claimed, and that Vince and I go at 9am and 9pm, but we may change our minds at other times. I was not trying to be rude or anything, just trying to set some boundaries and expectations.
MIL issues are still stewing. I'll explain tomorrow, but suffice it to say, I am livid about how she has been acting lately. She is being very cruel to my husband, and she seems to think everything is ok.
Anyway, each gram she gains is closer to her coming home. Each time she eats from her bottle more and more, she is closer to coming home. Tomorrow is her 2 week birthday, and each day that passes is one day closer to her being home.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
And she's off...
Sorry for the silence. I have been exausted. I am really tired, and when I am not pumping or at the NICU, I go home and crash.
Pumping has become a real chore. I went and spent $120 at a breast speciality store to get some decent bras and pump supplies. They are really nice there, so if you are in Utah, here is a free shout out to them. The store is Lace by Louise and she will get you measured so your bra will actually fit. The bras are well worth the price, as I'm into speciality sizes, (36G) and it is so nice having a bra that actually supports and fits after the crappy one I bought at a pregnancy speciality store. I got some other breast feeding supplies as well.
Had ups and downs lately. I had an anxiety attack on the way back from the bra store. Before I married, I was headed home with my dad. I had said something that made him mad, and he proceded to road rage with me hostage in the passenger seat. It was dark and rainy, and we were going at least 75. He then refused to let me out of the car, and I sat there terrified for 20 minutes while he drove home. I got PTSD from this. Since then, I have had problems trusting others to drive the car I am in. Vince gets the brunt of this. I worked through this with my therapist, and have been doing MUCH better at not back seat driving him, not looking for the imaginary brake on the passenger seat. However today, was a BAD day on that front. We had been in heavy traffic on the way back, and he then missed our exit. We then ended up having to wait in a really long line to get off at the next one. I felt he had nearly hit the truck in front of us several time, by roaring up. Then a car cut in, and made him mad. He said something like he wished he could just hit an idiot like that. Well, that just set me off, and I told him not to, and started to shake and cry. His feeling were hurt, and then he over-exagerated being extra safe. Thankfully, we were almost home, because I needed to get out. We talked about this, and I reminded him of the PTSD, and that I was told it could flare up in times of extreme stress. I think we are ok on this now. Not sure.
Anyway, I have good news. Sydney gained 39 grams on Sunday, and yesterday, she passed her birth weight!!! She weighed 1279 grams at birth, and 1285 yesterday!!!! They wanted her to reach this by Saturday, so she is ahead of schedule. Last night, after her bath, she stayed wide awake for her bottle, and nippled 16cc's from it. A new record of how much she took from her bottle. She was awake for a long time last night. It was so nice to see. She has actually been more alert in the last 24 hours. My mom went for her 3pm feeding, and she was looking forward to awake Sydney, but she slept through that. Oh well. I've been trying to either find an online place I can make a weight chart for her, or figure out how and where to post one of my own. I would like to be able to share her progress with everyone.
We got her bath time moved to 9pm, so we can be there. Yeah. I'm getting better at asserting that I want to do her cares, and not just let the nurse do them. I gave her bath last night. Her little body is starting to plump up and she is starting to look more human. Now if only her ears would move up into place....
Had a PKU scare. They are running new tests here in Utah, which preemies come up false positive most of the time. If the baby is under 1500 grams, the test simply comes back positive. None of the repeat screens have come back as a diagnosis. Slightly holding my breath on this one.
I posted this on one of the email lists I'm on...
I also got to kangarro hold her today. (This is skin to skin holding) It was SO nice to feel her moving on my body. Her little feet got tucked into my bra, and it was a bit like when she was moving inside of me. I really, really miss my kicking buddy. I think this is because when she was in me, I was in charge. I knew where she was and how she was doing all the time. She was right there with me, and I could talk to her and feel her moving. I'm really feeling cheated out of a "regular pregnancy, birth, and baby".
I have this serious desire to get pregnant right away, ala Britney Spears. The thing is, I know that a healthy pregnancy and baby won't fill in the void I feel right now. It won't undo the trauma of this pregnancy. It won't replace the grief I'm feeling over having a sick baby.
I hate how this hospital is set up. I can either walk across the entire hospital, or take the much shorter route through the birthing center. I walk in the doors I walked in the last time she was with me. I walk by the nursery she never go to sleep in. I walk by the room I stayed in, where she never was. I walk by the doors to the c-section operating room, where she was removed from my body 6 weeks early. I ache over these loses, and I know they are catching up with me. I did the walk across the hospital the other day, it wore me out. I also know that there is no guarantee I will have a healthy pregnancy, and I CAN'T do this again right away.
I'm having good days and bad days in the NICU. I think a lot of it has to do with the nurse on. She does not have primary nurses, at least not that I've noticed. I'm frustrated at differences that happen each shift.
I'm also SICK of pumping. I really am tired of washing that pump so often. I can't just rinse it out between uses like normal people, we have to scrub it. Seriously, I've run the dishwasher 3 times today with clean dishes in it because I just don't want to wash the pump by hand. DH is sick of this too. I've really been pushing today to get up to 9 pumps a day. This is hard with going to the NICU twice a day. I do pump there, but sometimes the envoronment is so poor, I just can't.I think the stress is really starting to drain us. He is tired, and is helping out less and less at home. He has been wonderful, but I can tell he'd like it if I was not so tired all the time. I know the c section has caught up.
Going to the NICU in the AM drains me. I come home, collapse and wake up to pump. I am very committed to breast feeding, but I would really like to be feeding Sydney, not monkeying with a cold plastic pump at 3am.
I want to spend more time there, but am finding I have a limit on being there. I can't stand more than about 2 hours at a time. I guess I need to get out and see the sun. It is very "casino" like in the NICU, almost designed to have you forget there is a separate world out there. Only a casino is much more fun, you get free drinks, and get to blow your money at black jack. In the NICU, you get to sit there and watch your child lay there, basically told you've had your time to touch, just sit there.
Pumping has become a real chore. I went and spent $120 at a breast speciality store to get some decent bras and pump supplies. They are really nice there, so if you are in Utah, here is a free shout out to them. The store is Lace by Louise and she will get you measured so your bra will actually fit. The bras are well worth the price, as I'm into speciality sizes, (36G) and it is so nice having a bra that actually supports and fits after the crappy one I bought at a pregnancy speciality store. I got some other breast feeding supplies as well.
Had ups and downs lately. I had an anxiety attack on the way back from the bra store. Before I married, I was headed home with my dad. I had said something that made him mad, and he proceded to road rage with me hostage in the passenger seat. It was dark and rainy, and we were going at least 75. He then refused to let me out of the car, and I sat there terrified for 20 minutes while he drove home. I got PTSD from this. Since then, I have had problems trusting others to drive the car I am in. Vince gets the brunt of this. I worked through this with my therapist, and have been doing MUCH better at not back seat driving him, not looking for the imaginary brake on the passenger seat. However today, was a BAD day on that front. We had been in heavy traffic on the way back, and he then missed our exit. We then ended up having to wait in a really long line to get off at the next one. I felt he had nearly hit the truck in front of us several time, by roaring up. Then a car cut in, and made him mad. He said something like he wished he could just hit an idiot like that. Well, that just set me off, and I told him not to, and started to shake and cry. His feeling were hurt, and then he over-exagerated being extra safe. Thankfully, we were almost home, because I needed to get out. We talked about this, and I reminded him of the PTSD, and that I was told it could flare up in times of extreme stress. I think we are ok on this now. Not sure.
Anyway, I have good news. Sydney gained 39 grams on Sunday, and yesterday, she passed her birth weight!!! She weighed 1279 grams at birth, and 1285 yesterday!!!! They wanted her to reach this by Saturday, so she is ahead of schedule. Last night, after her bath, she stayed wide awake for her bottle, and nippled 16cc's from it. A new record of how much she took from her bottle. She was awake for a long time last night. It was so nice to see. She has actually been more alert in the last 24 hours. My mom went for her 3pm feeding, and she was looking forward to awake Sydney, but she slept through that. Oh well. I've been trying to either find an online place I can make a weight chart for her, or figure out how and where to post one of my own. I would like to be able to share her progress with everyone.
We got her bath time moved to 9pm, so we can be there. Yeah. I'm getting better at asserting that I want to do her cares, and not just let the nurse do them. I gave her bath last night. Her little body is starting to plump up and she is starting to look more human. Now if only her ears would move up into place....
Had a PKU scare. They are running new tests here in Utah, which preemies come up false positive most of the time. If the baby is under 1500 grams, the test simply comes back positive. None of the repeat screens have come back as a diagnosis. Slightly holding my breath on this one.
I posted this on one of the email lists I'm on...
I also got to kangarro hold her today. (This is skin to skin holding) It was SO nice to feel her moving on my body. Her little feet got tucked into my bra, and it was a bit like when she was moving inside of me. I really, really miss my kicking buddy. I think this is because when she was in me, I was in charge. I knew where she was and how she was doing all the time. She was right there with me, and I could talk to her and feel her moving. I'm really feeling cheated out of a "regular pregnancy, birth, and baby".
I have this serious desire to get pregnant right away, ala Britney Spears. The thing is, I know that a healthy pregnancy and baby won't fill in the void I feel right now. It won't undo the trauma of this pregnancy. It won't replace the grief I'm feeling over having a sick baby.
I hate how this hospital is set up. I can either walk across the entire hospital, or take the much shorter route through the birthing center. I walk in the doors I walked in the last time she was with me. I walk by the nursery she never go to sleep in. I walk by the room I stayed in, where she never was. I walk by the doors to the c-section operating room, where she was removed from my body 6 weeks early. I ache over these loses, and I know they are catching up with me. I did the walk across the hospital the other day, it wore me out. I also know that there is no guarantee I will have a healthy pregnancy, and I CAN'T do this again right away.
I'm having good days and bad days in the NICU. I think a lot of it has to do with the nurse on. She does not have primary nurses, at least not that I've noticed. I'm frustrated at differences that happen each shift.
I'm also SICK of pumping. I really am tired of washing that pump so often. I can't just rinse it out between uses like normal people, we have to scrub it. Seriously, I've run the dishwasher 3 times today with clean dishes in it because I just don't want to wash the pump by hand. DH is sick of this too. I've really been pushing today to get up to 9 pumps a day. This is hard with going to the NICU twice a day. I do pump there, but sometimes the envoronment is so poor, I just can't.I think the stress is really starting to drain us. He is tired, and is helping out less and less at home. He has been wonderful, but I can tell he'd like it if I was not so tired all the time. I know the c section has caught up.
Going to the NICU in the AM drains me. I come home, collapse and wake up to pump. I am very committed to breast feeding, but I would really like to be feeding Sydney, not monkeying with a cold plastic pump at 3am.
I want to spend more time there, but am finding I have a limit on being there. I can't stand more than about 2 hours at a time. I guess I need to get out and see the sun. It is very "casino" like in the NICU, almost designed to have you forget there is a separate world out there. Only a casino is much more fun, you get free drinks, and get to blow your money at black jack. In the NICU, you get to sit there and watch your child lay there, basically told you've had your time to touch, just sit there.
Friday, May 19, 2006
What a difference a scab makes...
So, the cold sore scabbed over, and I was cleared to go in by the infection control nurse (renamed Polar Bear, as her office is covered with them). She suggested I wear a mask solely to remind myself not to kiss her or touch my face. As I leave her office to basically run to the NICU, I hear her calling them telling them I'm ok.
So I get there. I am on cloud nine. I had been warned by my mom that there are several cranky nurses in there today. Thankfully Sydney's nurse was not one of them. Cranky Pants says I'm not allowed because I have to wear a mask. They are calling someone. I tell her that Janette cleared me, and the mask is to remind me to not touch my face. I'm sent to scrub. Another cranky pants says no masks. Vince was driving the car around the hospital as the infection control office is in the front and the NICU is in the back. I basically plead with them to not do this to me. I mean, I'm cleared to come in, let me in. Cranky pants #2 sends me to scrub. (You always scrub for 3 minutes before entering the NICU.)
I'm done scrubbing and Vince arrives. I update him. He is not happy. I then finish scrubbing and gown up. I enter Sydney's area. The charge nurse is out. The nurse in charge again says no masks. I tell her to get Polar Bear on the phone, because the mask is solely to keep my hands off my face like a baby. She finally relents, and finds me a mask.
I then sit by my little girl's incubator. I'd had a disagreement with the social worker this morning, and was rewarded by Sydney's isolette being covered with 2 large signs on how she is low stimulus, and that we have to ask permission to touch her. NICE. I seriously hate that woman, and am going to call her supervisor and have her removed or decline social work help on Monday. She treats me like I am complete and utter idiot. Of course we need to be careful about stimulating Sydney. I've educated myself on this and support this wholeheartedly. HOWEVER, her doctors feel she can tolerate being held twice a shift. Neither Vince, my mom, or myself have ever fought having her put back in her box when she gets stressed. I don't understand why this woman feels she knows it all. After one run in with her, I nearly refused to hold her because I was afraid of hurting her, and the doctor named Dr. Hawk-eye basically put her in my arms. (The first time I met him, he was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt.) We saw Dr. Golf today (so named because he looked like he was headed to the links after rounds.) He said nothing has changed, someone just felt the need to put up some signs. I can still touch and hold her.
So while I sit there and just gaze at my little one. I'm still in shock I'm in there. I get to pump while we wait for feeding time. Her nurse was so nice, I am sad she was a temp nurse. The NICU is VERY full right now. She was wonderful. She let me wrap Sydney in a blanket made for her by a friend, and got me a pillow to help me keep her in a good position. It was heavenly holding her. I felt like a 20 pound weight is off my back. I held her for about 45 minutes. she then started to show stress signs, and we put her in the incubator. I rocked her and sang songs to her. Because she would always kick up a storm when I watched the movie, she was treated to various selections from the Sound of Music, as well as my favorite Beatles song, I will. I've always thought of this as a love song to a person you have not met yet and already know you love. When we were going through the infertility and the negative pregnancy tests, this song was one I would sing to my child who was not coming yet again.
Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to--I will.
For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.
Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.
And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, da, do, lala.
I tried to sing church hymns and children's songs to her, but I just started to choke up, so I stuck with secular songs today.
Sydney ate 5ccs of milk. The rest (20 ccs) was fed down her feeding tube. She threw up, and it came out of her mouth and nose. It really scared me, but the nurse said this is normal, as did the doctor. I was very jumpy and would get worried any time her alarms would go off. Vince, I guess, is much more used to these, and he kept calming me down. She went on a great sucking and swallowing run, but I had to interrupt her, because her sats were getting low. She is still working on learning the whole suck, swallow, and breathe thing. She had suck and swallow down today. Breathing will come too.
Sydney is 35 weeks gestation. She is a week old tomorrow. It was so nice to see her. She kept looking at her daddy, but did respond to me too. She already has the makings of a daddy's girl. If it was not my daughter, I'd be getting jealous over the time he is spending with this new lady in his life. He is so wonderful with her. He seems so in awe of her, and talks so sweetly to her. Last night Sydney had a temp nurse not familiar with the NICU. She usually works Peds. He was less than impressed. She seemed to think that even though her usual bath time is Midnight, he just wanted to feed her. He did not get to help with her bath, and was not happy. I basically had to drag him out of there at 2am, so he could drive home. I told him over the phone that she will be ok and that she needs her daddy alive, not dead because he fell asleep at the wheel. He wanted to stay to 3am for her bath. He did come home though, and cried because he did not want to leave her. It was nice to comfort and hold him. He has been so strong for me.
Anyway, unless I can convince him that it will be ok for me to drive tonight, no one will be there for her midnight bath until Sunday night. Vince has drill this weekend, and neither him nor my mom will leave me home alone. Drill starts early in the am, so he needs sleep. The plan is that I see her in the am, go to my moms, drive back in the pm see her, then go home and sleep. Tomorrow is the first time I can drive, so I don't want to overdo things. I wish bath time was at 9pm, but is it at midnight. Sunday I'll be there for her bath. My mom had wanted me to come up today and spend the entire weekend, but I've done that before when Vince had a day time only drill and we were both miserable and missed each other. If this was a sleep over drill I would do that, but he will be home at about 6pm, so I am coming home. I don't think I could go that long without him right now.
As for me, I overdid it yesterday. I was exhausted. Vince convinced me to get dressed by offering me dinner at Cracker Barrel, one of my favorite restaurants. We then went on base to get him a hair cut and buy a Dyson pet hair model vacuum. I've priced them in the past and they all seem to be the same price no matter where you go, so we bought it on base to save the sales tax. I was doing fine until we were checking out. I just wore out. We were leaving the store, and I sat on a picnic table to wait for him to get the car. I was in pain. A nice pregnant lady saw me having problems and waited with me while he got the car. She was so kind. I did not get her name, but she has my gratitude. When we got home, Vince went on a cleaning streak, and seems to be nesting.
Today, after the visit, I basically came home and collapsed in bed for an afternoon nap. Now that the stress has lifted somewhat, I feel so spent and tired. I just snuggled in my bed with my cat and slept until I had to pump.
I also want to thank you for your kind comments. They mean the world to me. You are all so nice to read my really long posts. I've been using this as my way to put my feelings into words. I love to see what people have posted and know that people whom I have never met care about us. I hope my posts have not been too long, because I've needed the long posts.
Today "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon came on the oldies station. Besides making me cry, because it is a love song from a parent to their child, it seemed so appropriate for us and where we are right now. When I go tonight I'll sing it to her, changing to to Beautiful girl and putting her name into the song. Lines that are specifically appropriate are:
Every day in every way, it's getting better and better,...
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go, but in the meantime, ...
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.
So I get there. I am on cloud nine. I had been warned by my mom that there are several cranky nurses in there today. Thankfully Sydney's nurse was not one of them. Cranky Pants says I'm not allowed because I have to wear a mask. They are calling someone. I tell her that Janette cleared me, and the mask is to remind me to not touch my face. I'm sent to scrub. Another cranky pants says no masks. Vince was driving the car around the hospital as the infection control office is in the front and the NICU is in the back. I basically plead with them to not do this to me. I mean, I'm cleared to come in, let me in. Cranky pants #2 sends me to scrub. (You always scrub for 3 minutes before entering the NICU.)
I'm done scrubbing and Vince arrives. I update him. He is not happy. I then finish scrubbing and gown up. I enter Sydney's area. The charge nurse is out. The nurse in charge again says no masks. I tell her to get Polar Bear on the phone, because the mask is solely to keep my hands off my face like a baby. She finally relents, and finds me a mask.
I then sit by my little girl's incubator. I'd had a disagreement with the social worker this morning, and was rewarded by Sydney's isolette being covered with 2 large signs on how she is low stimulus, and that we have to ask permission to touch her. NICE. I seriously hate that woman, and am going to call her supervisor and have her removed or decline social work help on Monday. She treats me like I am complete and utter idiot. Of course we need to be careful about stimulating Sydney. I've educated myself on this and support this wholeheartedly. HOWEVER, her doctors feel she can tolerate being held twice a shift. Neither Vince, my mom, or myself have ever fought having her put back in her box when she gets stressed. I don't understand why this woman feels she knows it all. After one run in with her, I nearly refused to hold her because I was afraid of hurting her, and the doctor named Dr. Hawk-eye basically put her in my arms. (The first time I met him, he was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt.) We saw Dr. Golf today (so named because he looked like he was headed to the links after rounds.) He said nothing has changed, someone just felt the need to put up some signs. I can still touch and hold her.
So while I sit there and just gaze at my little one. I'm still in shock I'm in there. I get to pump while we wait for feeding time. Her nurse was so nice, I am sad she was a temp nurse. The NICU is VERY full right now. She was wonderful. She let me wrap Sydney in a blanket made for her by a friend, and got me a pillow to help me keep her in a good position. It was heavenly holding her. I felt like a 20 pound weight is off my back. I held her for about 45 minutes. she then started to show stress signs, and we put her in the incubator. I rocked her and sang songs to her. Because she would always kick up a storm when I watched the movie, she was treated to various selections from the Sound of Music, as well as my favorite Beatles song, I will. I've always thought of this as a love song to a person you have not met yet and already know you love. When we were going through the infertility and the negative pregnancy tests, this song was one I would sing to my child who was not coming yet again.
Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to--I will.
For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.
Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.
And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, da, do, lala.
I tried to sing church hymns and children's songs to her, but I just started to choke up, so I stuck with secular songs today.
Sydney ate 5ccs of milk. The rest (20 ccs) was fed down her feeding tube. She threw up, and it came out of her mouth and nose. It really scared me, but the nurse said this is normal, as did the doctor. I was very jumpy and would get worried any time her alarms would go off. Vince, I guess, is much more used to these, and he kept calming me down. She went on a great sucking and swallowing run, but I had to interrupt her, because her sats were getting low. She is still working on learning the whole suck, swallow, and breathe thing. She had suck and swallow down today. Breathing will come too.
Sydney is 35 weeks gestation. She is a week old tomorrow. It was so nice to see her. She kept looking at her daddy, but did respond to me too. She already has the makings of a daddy's girl. If it was not my daughter, I'd be getting jealous over the time he is spending with this new lady in his life. He is so wonderful with her. He seems so in awe of her, and talks so sweetly to her. Last night Sydney had a temp nurse not familiar with the NICU. She usually works Peds. He was less than impressed. She seemed to think that even though her usual bath time is Midnight, he just wanted to feed her. He did not get to help with her bath, and was not happy. I basically had to drag him out of there at 2am, so he could drive home. I told him over the phone that she will be ok and that she needs her daddy alive, not dead because he fell asleep at the wheel. He wanted to stay to 3am for her bath. He did come home though, and cried because he did not want to leave her. It was nice to comfort and hold him. He has been so strong for me.
Anyway, unless I can convince him that it will be ok for me to drive tonight, no one will be there for her midnight bath until Sunday night. Vince has drill this weekend, and neither him nor my mom will leave me home alone. Drill starts early in the am, so he needs sleep. The plan is that I see her in the am, go to my moms, drive back in the pm see her, then go home and sleep. Tomorrow is the first time I can drive, so I don't want to overdo things. I wish bath time was at 9pm, but is it at midnight. Sunday I'll be there for her bath. My mom had wanted me to come up today and spend the entire weekend, but I've done that before when Vince had a day time only drill and we were both miserable and missed each other. If this was a sleep over drill I would do that, but he will be home at about 6pm, so I am coming home. I don't think I could go that long without him right now.
As for me, I overdid it yesterday. I was exhausted. Vince convinced me to get dressed by offering me dinner at Cracker Barrel, one of my favorite restaurants. We then went on base to get him a hair cut and buy a Dyson pet hair model vacuum. I've priced them in the past and they all seem to be the same price no matter where you go, so we bought it on base to save the sales tax. I was doing fine until we were checking out. I just wore out. We were leaving the store, and I sat on a picnic table to wait for him to get the car. I was in pain. A nice pregnant lady saw me having problems and waited with me while he got the car. She was so kind. I did not get her name, but she has my gratitude. When we got home, Vince went on a cleaning streak, and seems to be nesting.
Today, after the visit, I basically came home and collapsed in bed for an afternoon nap. Now that the stress has lifted somewhat, I feel so spent and tired. I just snuggled in my bed with my cat and slept until I had to pump.
I also want to thank you for your kind comments. They mean the world to me. You are all so nice to read my really long posts. I've been using this as my way to put my feelings into words. I love to see what people have posted and know that people whom I have never met care about us. I hope my posts have not been too long, because I've needed the long posts.
Today "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon came on the oldies station. Besides making me cry, because it is a love song from a parent to their child, it seemed so appropriate for us and where we are right now. When I go tonight I'll sing it to her, changing to to Beautiful girl and putting her name into the song. Lines that are specifically appropriate are:
Every day in every way, it's getting better and better,...
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go, but in the meantime, ...
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.
This is life and I am blessed to be a part of the journey. I'm finding inner strength I never knew I had, I feel our marriage and commitment to each other has deepened and strengthened, and I have a healthy baby who just need to grow and make normal developmental progress. I have grown closer to the Lord though this, and have felt His love and concern.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Aching and Angry
I need to vent. I have said these words to my husband. I don't want to add to his pain right now. I know he is in as much pain as I am over this.
I miss my daughter. Are you really a mother if you can take a shower in peace 5 days postpartum? How about go out to dinner and have a conversation? Are you really a mother when you have not seen your little one for 2 days, 3 hours, 16 minutes? Are you a mom when you cannot get over the feeling that you have lost something, that you have abandoned something precious?
How will the baby remember me? She has so many caregivers. Now Vince is her only one continuous person to see her. She will think I am another nurse come to poke her and put her under bright blue lights.
I am terrified my baby will forget me. I had taken such pleasure in how she would respond to my touch over the nurses. Now I have disappeared. How will she ever trust me again when I have disappeared when she needs me the most? How will she know that she can depend on me to be there for her when I am not there for her now? How will she know how much I love her when I cannot hold and comfort her?
I am terrified I will forget her. I had fallen in such love with her. My arms ache to hold her. I want to run into the hospital, grab her, and run home. I want to forget this awful hell where others tell you when you can and cannot see, touch, and smell your baby. Simply, I know I have detached. I have had to. I was so desperate when I was told I was banned, I had to let her go. Can I get her back? Will I be a distant and cold mother because I could not bear to be in such emotional agony? I see her in the videos and pictures, and she makes me smile, but in a different way. I cannot explain this. It is like something precious and wonderful was given to me for a few minutes of joy, and then ripped away with them saying this is a mistake, sorry.
I want this all to be over. I want my baby to be screaming in her bed, so I can't blog. I want to be sleep deprived because my baby is up, not because I cannot sleep. I want my 12 weeks of FMLA leave back, not wondering how I will ever get some time with her because of the NICU. I want to hold her and love her. Someone else is feeding and bathing her. Someone else put her first bow on her head. Someone else is comforting her. She is being cared for by strangers, not by her loving parents.
I want my full 40 weeks of pregnancy. I don't want to have had such intensive monitoring. I want to feel her move inside of me again. I miss that so much. I keep reaching down, and she is not there. I am so lonely without her. She and I should be together for another 5 weeks today. I look as pregnant today as the day I had her, which is to say, not very pregnant. I just look fat, but with no baby to show for it, except in pictures.
I want to shout and holler at someone. I want to go one day without crying. I'd take one half a day. I have held her so little. I wanted to touch her when she was born. I wanted to hold her all messy. I wanted to be big and fat, not be told the day before I have a baby I don't look pregnant by stupid and insensitive people.
I wanted a normal pregnancy and labor. I never felt a contraction. Most of my prenatal appointments were filled with dread about what bad news we would get this time. I'd like to delete the fear I felt every time I was tested until she began to move so I could feel her. Because of her size, I felt her move late, and once that started, at least I knew she was alive. I should not have had to discuss my complete objection to termination with doctors.
I want to take my baby home and hold her to my hearts content. I want to forget this is happening. I want this to happen to someone else. I want this to happen to no one. I want to shout at the nurses. I want to shout at God. I want to shout at everyone having a normal pregnancy. I want to yell and scream and hit. I cry and ache instead.
I miss my daughter. Are you really a mother if you can take a shower in peace 5 days postpartum? How about go out to dinner and have a conversation? Are you really a mother when you have not seen your little one for 2 days, 3 hours, 16 minutes? Are you a mom when you cannot get over the feeling that you have lost something, that you have abandoned something precious?
How will the baby remember me? She has so many caregivers. Now Vince is her only one continuous person to see her. She will think I am another nurse come to poke her and put her under bright blue lights.
I am terrified my baby will forget me. I had taken such pleasure in how she would respond to my touch over the nurses. Now I have disappeared. How will she ever trust me again when I have disappeared when she needs me the most? How will she know that she can depend on me to be there for her when I am not there for her now? How will she know how much I love her when I cannot hold and comfort her?
I am terrified I will forget her. I had fallen in such love with her. My arms ache to hold her. I want to run into the hospital, grab her, and run home. I want to forget this awful hell where others tell you when you can and cannot see, touch, and smell your baby. Simply, I know I have detached. I have had to. I was so desperate when I was told I was banned, I had to let her go. Can I get her back? Will I be a distant and cold mother because I could not bear to be in such emotional agony? I see her in the videos and pictures, and she makes me smile, but in a different way. I cannot explain this. It is like something precious and wonderful was given to me for a few minutes of joy, and then ripped away with them saying this is a mistake, sorry.
I want this all to be over. I want my baby to be screaming in her bed, so I can't blog. I want to be sleep deprived because my baby is up, not because I cannot sleep. I want my 12 weeks of FMLA leave back, not wondering how I will ever get some time with her because of the NICU. I want to hold her and love her. Someone else is feeding and bathing her. Someone else put her first bow on her head. Someone else is comforting her. She is being cared for by strangers, not by her loving parents.
I want my full 40 weeks of pregnancy. I don't want to have had such intensive monitoring. I want to feel her move inside of me again. I miss that so much. I keep reaching down, and she is not there. I am so lonely without her. She and I should be together for another 5 weeks today. I look as pregnant today as the day I had her, which is to say, not very pregnant. I just look fat, but with no baby to show for it, except in pictures.
I want to shout and holler at someone. I want to go one day without crying. I'd take one half a day. I have held her so little. I wanted to touch her when she was born. I wanted to hold her all messy. I wanted to be big and fat, not be told the day before I have a baby I don't look pregnant by stupid and insensitive people.
I wanted a normal pregnancy and labor. I never felt a contraction. Most of my prenatal appointments were filled with dread about what bad news we would get this time. I'd like to delete the fear I felt every time I was tested until she began to move so I could feel her. Because of her size, I felt her move late, and once that started, at least I knew she was alive. I should not have had to discuss my complete objection to termination with doctors.
I want to take my baby home and hold her to my hearts content. I want to forget this is happening. I want this to happen to someone else. I want this to happen to no one. I want to shout at the nurses. I want to shout at God. I want to shout at everyone having a normal pregnancy. I want to yell and scream and hit. I cry and ache instead.
Update on how we are all doing....
Hi everyone. Thanks for all the warm thoughts and comments. I'm still working on getting everything posted, but I thought I better post an update while I work on that.
Sydney's weight is down from birth, but is up from her low. She weighed 2 pounds 10.6 ounces. I really should get the metric equivalents as well. The .6 is very important because this is the first time she has GAINED weight. I'm trying to not get too excited about this, because she will likely lose weight again. The only order the doctor made today for her is to have her bili level checked tomorrow. Yeah! She is in an incubator because she is having temperature control problems. We can hold her twice a shift, and she tries drinking from a bottle during those times, usually. She usually manages about 8ccs of her 28cc meal, before sucking just wears her out.
Sydney is under the bili lights. It is hard seeing her there under those blue lights. I know at least this treatment is not hurting her, but she looks quite like an alien under them. I worry a lot about her eyes because she likes to take her sun glasses off. I've walked in and she was looking back at me. Her levels have dropped in half from a high of 12.8 to 6.6 this am. She will likely get off the lights tomorrow. She really did need to go under them, because just before they started the lights, she looked rather like Yoda, with her wrinkled face and greenish yellow skin.
I have not seen Sydney since Tuesday afternoon. I have a blasted cold sore, and am banished from the NICU. I think my cold sore is crusted enough to go in, but when I called the infection control Nazi, oh I meant nurse, it was pretty clear she had already made up her mind that I was not going in today. I decided to spare myself the trip and emotional drama of going to the hospital and being turned away. Not seeing her has been nearly impossible for me. If I did not know I could cause her or the other babies harm, I would have just carefully covered it with make up and gone in. I am very skilled at covering these, you know. I am on Valtrex and Zovirax. I started the anti-Anti viruals on Tuesday night. Tuesday morning, I had a zit in the place where I get cold sores, and my OB wrote me an order for Zovirax. Had it been filled and given to me that morning, I would not have a cold sore. Instead the nurses lost the prescription. My OB had to write it again that night, along with the Valtrex. Vince had to go get the cream. By that point, it was tingling, and I was banned from the NICU. Denavir cream works better than Zovirax, but it is toxic in breast milk, so I chose to go with the one that would let me still pump and have the milk fed to her. Oh, try filling a prescription for Valtrex without feeling the need to explain this is not for genital herpes. I was a bit embarrassed, but got over it, because I want this damn thing to crust over.
Leaving her there at the hospital yesterday was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. Both Vince and I hugged and cried after the car was loaded. The stupid nurses had me leaving at the same time as a mother with a healthy baby. Nice. I am sure they thought our baby died or something, but I really don't give a shit. I was leaving my first born, who I had not seen for over 12 hours at that point, and I was not taking her home. I know a home coming will happen, but it was VERY hard to leave.
I don't think I can put into words the highs and lows I have experienced this past week. I have NEVER cried this much. Don't worry, my mom and friends are on the postpartum depression patrol. I talked with my OB about it last night. She feels that as I am still on the Wellbutrin, I should be ok. I am to call her if I get worse, and she may change my med. She wants me to wait and see what happens when I get to see my daughter again, because, and she she is right, depression in my circumstance is VERY normal, and she would be worried if I was not depressed.
Anyway, one thing is going VERY well. I am pumping my breast milk like a champ. She has been on full breast milk for a couple of days now. She got formula yesterday and today, because I did not have enough to leave with them when I went home. By the time Vince went for her midnight feeding, I had pumped enough to feed her today. Another staff member took them to the freezer when he got there, and the nurse did not know it was there. The milk was found safe and sound, and she went back onto my milk at noon. I am so so glad this is going well, because it is the only thing I can do for her right now. When my mom asked where the milk was, I kind of started a temper tantrum about the stupid staff and Vince told them it was there. My mom warned me to be nice when I called, because another mom went off while she was there and had to be escorted out of the Nicu. At least I am not banned for bad behavior. Sydney vomited last night and this morning, and now we can guess why. She has not vomited my milk, she has vomited the formula. Pumping has gone rather easy, a fact I am grateful for. I rented the same pump I used in the hospital, I decided I don't want to monkey one bit with something that has been working so well. My milk came in with very little pain. I really have not got engorged yet, knock wood. I just kind of felt like my breasts needed to pee. When it came in, I had planned to sleep thorough that pumping session, but both my bladder and my breasts woke me up and demanded attention. My nipples are a bit sore, but nothing unmanageable. I've been using Lansinoh cream, which is a miracle cream. When I googled to find the link, I happened across that this is not a PETA cruelty free product. Oh well, can't have it all. I worry a bit something will go wrong with this too, as it has been going so well.
Oh, my MIL is a horror. New post on that later. Short story, she hollered at my mom and sister DURING my c-section. I came back to find my mom really upset. When MIL came into see me, she cried about how she felt judged or something like that. Mind you I had just had major surgery and had no idea how my baby was. She then did not come by on Sunday, but called us on our phones early Monday am, woke us up, and hollered at Vince for not wishing her happy Mother's day. NICE. Oh, a really nice gift and card were wrapped in my suitcase for her, as I expected she would come up on Sunday. My mom got all up about this too, but I'll post about that too.
So far we have had mostly good nurses at the NICU. We have a couple of favorites, including Darla the one currently caring for Sydney, whom I have never met. She has been SO wonderful on the phone today. We have had one BAD nurse, who is no longer caring for Sydney. There will be a post on her too. She said it was hard to be the nurse sometimes, when she told me I could not hold Sydney. When I got back to my room after leaving really upset, my nurse found me crying. (The tears started before I left the Nicu, and increased as I got to my room and heard a baby crying). She got the RN over the whole department involved, and short story version, Sydney will not have that nurse again because we can't trust her. I bet that was a LOVELY conversation nurse McCarthur (I'll explain the nick name) had with her boss. They have a new social worker who actually told me that I was thinking too DCFS mode with asking for things in Sydney's care plan to happen, as I wanted to be a part of her interdisciplinary team, and be more involved with her care and her treatment. I told her it was pathetic if the child welfare system could do a better job involving families in their children's lives than the hospital NICU. I pointed out that DCFS parents had abused their children and we had done NOTHING wrong. I asked her how I am expected to attach to this baby and be detached from her care and plan of care. She told me I don't have to worry about her getting an attachment disorder, if that is what I was worried about. I was again crying and asked her to leave. I was alone when she came, I can't remember where Vince was. Nurse who will not be ignored (the head RN) also was very interested to hear this. Oh, and on the bad night with Nurse McCarthur, the other nurses and staff threw a Mother's day party in the other room. I could hear it, and felt it was rather unprofessional. I mean, if they are trying to have a low stimulus environment, a group of women laughing loudly and talking about people at church, their husbands, etc is not the way to do this. I was sitting in the NICU reading Harry Potter while this was going on. Nurse McCarthur had upset me, so I decided I was going to sit by my baby for a couple of hours to be there to watch her. Nurse who will not be ignored heard about that as well, because she asked me to tell her everything that happened the night before.
There have been two VERY wonderful things through these last 5 days. They are Sydney and Vince. Sydney looks like her daddy. She is doing so well, and is healthy for how young she is. She has the deepest eyes, and makes the cutest faces. I love her smile. YES, I AM AWARE THIS IS JUST GAS (as everyone has seen fit to tell me). She does not smile when she is upset, just when she is happy. Anyway, she has her daddy's smile, and I love his smile. She also looks like her daddy. She is VERY tiny, like a little bird.
Vince has been WONDERFUL. He has tried to protect me from the drama of my mother and my MIL. Thankfully he sees what she is doing and wants to protect Sydney and myself from her crap. He has been there 100% through this process. He is so cute and gentle with our daughter. He has been my rock and I love him all the more for it. He is VERY supportive of my pumping, and has been SO helpful. He has made this tough process bareable. He keeps the pump clean, and brings it to me assembled in the night. I guess because of my experience with my dad, I thought he would kind of tolerate and ignore it. Instead he has jumped in with full support. It is amazing to me. He is so involved, all I have to do is make the milk and hold the pump. He is a wonderful father and husband. He is so supportive of us.
I have started a new Blog http://www.writing4sydders.blogspot.com/. That blog will be for family consumption, meaning the drama with my mom and MIL will not be there. I'll continue to post here, as I intend to post my feelings and whatever here. Writing4Sydders is intended to be a daily diary, about what is happening to her that day. This is my sounding board, the new one is my travelogue.
And as a reward to everyone who has read this far, here is a link to pictures of Sydney, taken by my good friend Dawn, whose cover story is that she is my step sister (visitation is limited to family). I have also taken my "auntie" Paula and her daughter in. I'm working on getting more posted, I'll post those links. Here she is....My precious Sydney.
Sydney's weight is down from birth, but is up from her low. She weighed 2 pounds 10.6 ounces. I really should get the metric equivalents as well. The .6 is very important because this is the first time she has GAINED weight. I'm trying to not get too excited about this, because she will likely lose weight again. The only order the doctor made today for her is to have her bili level checked tomorrow. Yeah! She is in an incubator because she is having temperature control problems. We can hold her twice a shift, and she tries drinking from a bottle during those times, usually. She usually manages about 8ccs of her 28cc meal, before sucking just wears her out.
Sydney is under the bili lights. It is hard seeing her there under those blue lights. I know at least this treatment is not hurting her, but she looks quite like an alien under them. I worry a lot about her eyes because she likes to take her sun glasses off. I've walked in and she was looking back at me. Her levels have dropped in half from a high of 12.8 to 6.6 this am. She will likely get off the lights tomorrow. She really did need to go under them, because just before they started the lights, she looked rather like Yoda, with her wrinkled face and greenish yellow skin.
I have not seen Sydney since Tuesday afternoon. I have a blasted cold sore, and am banished from the NICU. I think my cold sore is crusted enough to go in, but when I called the infection control Nazi, oh I meant nurse, it was pretty clear she had already made up her mind that I was not going in today. I decided to spare myself the trip and emotional drama of going to the hospital and being turned away. Not seeing her has been nearly impossible for me. If I did not know I could cause her or the other babies harm, I would have just carefully covered it with make up and gone in. I am very skilled at covering these, you know. I am on Valtrex and Zovirax. I started the anti-Anti viruals on Tuesday night. Tuesday morning, I had a zit in the place where I get cold sores, and my OB wrote me an order for Zovirax. Had it been filled and given to me that morning, I would not have a cold sore. Instead the nurses lost the prescription. My OB had to write it again that night, along with the Valtrex. Vince had to go get the cream. By that point, it was tingling, and I was banned from the NICU. Denavir cream works better than Zovirax, but it is toxic in breast milk, so I chose to go with the one that would let me still pump and have the milk fed to her. Oh, try filling a prescription for Valtrex without feeling the need to explain this is not for genital herpes. I was a bit embarrassed, but got over it, because I want this damn thing to crust over.
Leaving her there at the hospital yesterday was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. Both Vince and I hugged and cried after the car was loaded. The stupid nurses had me leaving at the same time as a mother with a healthy baby. Nice. I am sure they thought our baby died or something, but I really don't give a shit. I was leaving my first born, who I had not seen for over 12 hours at that point, and I was not taking her home. I know a home coming will happen, but it was VERY hard to leave.
I don't think I can put into words the highs and lows I have experienced this past week. I have NEVER cried this much. Don't worry, my mom and friends are on the postpartum depression patrol. I talked with my OB about it last night. She feels that as I am still on the Wellbutrin, I should be ok. I am to call her if I get worse, and she may change my med. She wants me to wait and see what happens when I get to see my daughter again, because, and she she is right, depression in my circumstance is VERY normal, and she would be worried if I was not depressed.
Anyway, one thing is going VERY well. I am pumping my breast milk like a champ. She has been on full breast milk for a couple of days now. She got formula yesterday and today, because I did not have enough to leave with them when I went home. By the time Vince went for her midnight feeding, I had pumped enough to feed her today. Another staff member took them to the freezer when he got there, and the nurse did not know it was there. The milk was found safe and sound, and she went back onto my milk at noon. I am so so glad this is going well, because it is the only thing I can do for her right now. When my mom asked where the milk was, I kind of started a temper tantrum about the stupid staff and Vince told them it was there. My mom warned me to be nice when I called, because another mom went off while she was there and had to be escorted out of the Nicu. At least I am not banned for bad behavior. Sydney vomited last night and this morning, and now we can guess why. She has not vomited my milk, she has vomited the formula. Pumping has gone rather easy, a fact I am grateful for. I rented the same pump I used in the hospital, I decided I don't want to monkey one bit with something that has been working so well. My milk came in with very little pain. I really have not got engorged yet, knock wood. I just kind of felt like my breasts needed to pee. When it came in, I had planned to sleep thorough that pumping session, but both my bladder and my breasts woke me up and demanded attention. My nipples are a bit sore, but nothing unmanageable. I've been using Lansinoh cream, which is a miracle cream. When I googled to find the link, I happened across that this is not a PETA cruelty free product. Oh well, can't have it all. I worry a bit something will go wrong with this too, as it has been going so well.
Oh, my MIL is a horror. New post on that later. Short story, she hollered at my mom and sister DURING my c-section. I came back to find my mom really upset. When MIL came into see me, she cried about how she felt judged or something like that. Mind you I had just had major surgery and had no idea how my baby was. She then did not come by on Sunday, but called us on our phones early Monday am, woke us up, and hollered at Vince for not wishing her happy Mother's day. NICE. Oh, a really nice gift and card were wrapped in my suitcase for her, as I expected she would come up on Sunday. My mom got all up about this too, but I'll post about that too.
So far we have had mostly good nurses at the NICU. We have a couple of favorites, including Darla the one currently caring for Sydney, whom I have never met. She has been SO wonderful on the phone today. We have had one BAD nurse, who is no longer caring for Sydney. There will be a post on her too. She said it was hard to be the nurse sometimes, when she told me I could not hold Sydney. When I got back to my room after leaving really upset, my nurse found me crying. (The tears started before I left the Nicu, and increased as I got to my room and heard a baby crying). She got the RN over the whole department involved, and short story version, Sydney will not have that nurse again because we can't trust her. I bet that was a LOVELY conversation nurse McCarthur (I'll explain the nick name) had with her boss. They have a new social worker who actually told me that I was thinking too DCFS mode with asking for things in Sydney's care plan to happen, as I wanted to be a part of her interdisciplinary team, and be more involved with her care and her treatment. I told her it was pathetic if the child welfare system could do a better job involving families in their children's lives than the hospital NICU. I pointed out that DCFS parents had abused their children and we had done NOTHING wrong. I asked her how I am expected to attach to this baby and be detached from her care and plan of care. She told me I don't have to worry about her getting an attachment disorder, if that is what I was worried about. I was again crying and asked her to leave. I was alone when she came, I can't remember where Vince was. Nurse who will not be ignored (the head RN) also was very interested to hear this. Oh, and on the bad night with Nurse McCarthur, the other nurses and staff threw a Mother's day party in the other room. I could hear it, and felt it was rather unprofessional. I mean, if they are trying to have a low stimulus environment, a group of women laughing loudly and talking about people at church, their husbands, etc is not the way to do this. I was sitting in the NICU reading Harry Potter while this was going on. Nurse McCarthur had upset me, so I decided I was going to sit by my baby for a couple of hours to be there to watch her. Nurse who will not be ignored heard about that as well, because she asked me to tell her everything that happened the night before.
There have been two VERY wonderful things through these last 5 days. They are Sydney and Vince. Sydney looks like her daddy. She is doing so well, and is healthy for how young she is. She has the deepest eyes, and makes the cutest faces. I love her smile. YES, I AM AWARE THIS IS JUST GAS (as everyone has seen fit to tell me). She does not smile when she is upset, just when she is happy. Anyway, she has her daddy's smile, and I love his smile. She also looks like her daddy. She is VERY tiny, like a little bird.
Vince has been WONDERFUL. He has tried to protect me from the drama of my mother and my MIL. Thankfully he sees what she is doing and wants to protect Sydney and myself from her crap. He has been there 100% through this process. He is so cute and gentle with our daughter. He has been my rock and I love him all the more for it. He is VERY supportive of my pumping, and has been SO helpful. He has made this tough process bareable. He keeps the pump clean, and brings it to me assembled in the night. I guess because of my experience with my dad, I thought he would kind of tolerate and ignore it. Instead he has jumped in with full support. It is amazing to me. He is so involved, all I have to do is make the milk and hold the pump. He is a wonderful father and husband. He is so supportive of us.
I have started a new Blog http://www.writing4sydders.blogspot.com/. That blog will be for family consumption, meaning the drama with my mom and MIL will not be there. I'll continue to post here, as I intend to post my feelings and whatever here. Writing4Sydders is intended to be a daily diary, about what is happening to her that day. This is my sounding board, the new one is my travelogue.
And as a reward to everyone who has read this far, here is a link to pictures of Sydney, taken by my good friend Dawn, whose cover story is that she is my step sister (visitation is limited to family). I have also taken my "auntie" Paula and her daughter in. I'm working on getting more posted, I'll post those links. Here she is....My precious Sydney.
Sydney's birth Story
Sydney Jeanne was born on May 13, 2006 at 7:49 am. She was born via a planned c-section because she was not growing as she should have during her pregnancy. She weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces.
Our C-section went very fast. After Vince and I arrived at 5:45 am, things began hoping. I was placed in a labor and delivery room. My blood was drawn, thankfully at the same time they were putting in the IV. Vince was given blue scrubs to wear to the surgery. The nurse told me to take out my contacts, but my OB and the anesthesiologist said I could leave them in. I am grateful to that, for at least my visual recollections of the c-section are clear.
Pretty close to 7:30, I was wheeled around the corner to the c-section room. That room was rather cold. I complained about the cold. Vince stood next to me the entire time. He held my hands as they put the spinal anesthesia into my back. As I sat there for the spinal, I became very scared. It was very calming to be able to look into his brown eyes as he told me he loved me and helped me hold still. The spinal took effect rather quickly. I was laid down, because I could not move anything. It was the weirdest feeling to be under the spinal. The nurses moved my legs to insert the catheter. I could feel that my legs were being stretched too far, but could not move them.
Up went a curtain. I could feel myself being moved around but never connected with the fact that my surgery had started. I guess I thought they were still cleaning my belly with betadine. All the sudden, my doctor announces it is baby time. I said that I did not even know they had started. Some people laughed. Then out comes Sydeny. She is held over the curtain for me to see. All I could see was a blue and grey bottom covered by blood. I could see her little feet, and realized how small she really was. Sydney made one small cry, and was taken from the room.
Vince and I stared at each other. Information on how my baby was doing came rather sparse for my tastes. Sydney was born at 7:49 am. We learned she weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces, much less than predicted on the ultrasounds. We learned she was kicking and screaming as the team worked on her. Her apgars were 5 and 9. My OB showed Vince my uterus. It is heart shaped. She did not feel this had any bearing on the IUGR in the pregnancy, but noted it. She said my placenta, which we had thought was the problem, looked normal. It was sent for a pathology exam. She sewed me up rather quickly, and it was over. Prior to this, I had expressed I felt I could not breathe, but she said as long as I was talking, I was ok, which is true. It felt weird, not painful. After the surgery, they lifted me to the bed to go back to my room. This was truly weird, as I could not feel anything below my ribs. I feel very sure I was going to fall. I was back in my room by 8:10.
I immediately wanted to know what was going on with Sydney. My mom helped me call the NICU and we learned she was OK and Vince could come back. She was on oxygen, but otherwise OK.
I was wheeled into the operating room a pregnant woman. I came out a mother. I was scared about what would happen with the baby, and what would happen with me. Just as the spinal took effect, I felt one last kick from Sydeny. I miss feeling her kick inside of me, and miss having her with me. I cared for her when she was inside of me, and now her care is being done by strangers.
Our C-section went very fast. After Vince and I arrived at 5:45 am, things began hoping. I was placed in a labor and delivery room. My blood was drawn, thankfully at the same time they were putting in the IV. Vince was given blue scrubs to wear to the surgery. The nurse told me to take out my contacts, but my OB and the anesthesiologist said I could leave them in. I am grateful to that, for at least my visual recollections of the c-section are clear.
Pretty close to 7:30, I was wheeled around the corner to the c-section room. That room was rather cold. I complained about the cold. Vince stood next to me the entire time. He held my hands as they put the spinal anesthesia into my back. As I sat there for the spinal, I became very scared. It was very calming to be able to look into his brown eyes as he told me he loved me and helped me hold still. The spinal took effect rather quickly. I was laid down, because I could not move anything. It was the weirdest feeling to be under the spinal. The nurses moved my legs to insert the catheter. I could feel that my legs were being stretched too far, but could not move them.
Up went a curtain. I could feel myself being moved around but never connected with the fact that my surgery had started. I guess I thought they were still cleaning my belly with betadine. All the sudden, my doctor announces it is baby time. I said that I did not even know they had started. Some people laughed. Then out comes Sydeny. She is held over the curtain for me to see. All I could see was a blue and grey bottom covered by blood. I could see her little feet, and realized how small she really was. Sydney made one small cry, and was taken from the room.
Vince and I stared at each other. Information on how my baby was doing came rather sparse for my tastes. Sydney was born at 7:49 am. We learned she weighed 2 pounds 13 ounces, much less than predicted on the ultrasounds. We learned she was kicking and screaming as the team worked on her. Her apgars were 5 and 9. My OB showed Vince my uterus. It is heart shaped. She did not feel this had any bearing on the IUGR in the pregnancy, but noted it. She said my placenta, which we had thought was the problem, looked normal. It was sent for a pathology exam. She sewed me up rather quickly, and it was over. Prior to this, I had expressed I felt I could not breathe, but she said as long as I was talking, I was ok, which is true. It felt weird, not painful. After the surgery, they lifted me to the bed to go back to my room. This was truly weird, as I could not feel anything below my ribs. I feel very sure I was going to fall. I was back in my room by 8:10.
I immediately wanted to know what was going on with Sydney. My mom helped me call the NICU and we learned she was OK and Vince could come back. She was on oxygen, but otherwise OK.
I was wheeled into the operating room a pregnant woman. I came out a mother. I was scared about what would happen with the baby, and what would happen with me. Just as the spinal took effect, I felt one last kick from Sydeny. I miss feeling her kick inside of me, and miss having her with me. I cared for her when she was inside of me, and now her care is being done by strangers.
Monday, May 15, 2006
The Arrival!
Sydney was born via planned c-section Saturday morning sometime around 7-ish AM. She weighs around 3 lbs. She's in the NICU but breathing on her own and doing well.
More details as I learn them.
Welcome to the world Sydney!
More details as I learn them.
Welcome to the world Sydney!
Friday, May 12, 2006
To my daughter, on the day before her birth
Dear Sydney,
I have been privileged to have you inside of me for the past 34 weeks. We did not know you were coming, but nothing in the world has changed my life more. We were truly blessed when the Lord sent you to us. You were conceived in love, and join a mommy and a daddy who have waited for you for a long time. Your daddy and mommy love each other very much, and you are an extension of that love. We are so blessed to be your parents.
These last 34 weeks have not been easy on any of us. I can only imagine how hard you have had to fight to remain alive. I don't know why the placenta my body created for you formed poorly, but it did. I wish I could have protected you from this, but it was beyond my control. I have had the best medical care I could find during my pregnancy with you.
I love you even though we have not met yet. I am so excited to see you. I cannot wait to hold and kiss you.
Somehow, I hope that you and I can have a better relationship than I have with my mother. I will try to be less overbearing and pushy, but I'll fail at times. I'm only human. Please forgive me as I overprotect you. I would love nothing more to be able to promise you that I will always know what to do and say, but I already know I won't. I will try to cut you some slack, please do so with me. You will likely hate me in about 13 years, but hopefully you will know you are loved fiercely by me.
I will love you no matter what. I want to teach you to love others and to be a positive addition to the world you live in. You are a very wanted and loved baby. You are being born into a family which is not perfect by any means, but is joined by love. That is a blessing beyond measure. You are also being born an American citizen. I pray you will never see war in your homeland. Our country is not perfect, but it is one of the best around. You will be able to vote, speak freely, and chose any career you want. You have the privilege of becoming as educated as your mind will allow. So many women in this world do not have that blessing. I will love you and expect you to fulfill your potential. If you need help, I'll help you every step of the way. If your potential comes in a non traditional for, because of disability or something else, I'll love you just as much as if you became president.
I wish I could give you a full 40 week pregnancy. I cannot. Your body is showing signs that you will do better in the world, not in my womb. Please forgive me as you are removed from my body tomorrow, 6 weeks early. I did my best to get you to this point, and have loved feel you move inside of me. I love you, and will be there for you every step of the way as you come into the world before you are ready. I am sad to know that after tomorrow morning, I will not feel you move inside of me again. I will miss holding you safely inside of me. Since we knew you were coming, I have had a little loved one with me at all times. It has been nice to not be alone. I wanted to be pregnant for so long, and feeling you inside of me has been a strong reminder of the Lord's love for us, and for how blessed I am to be your mom.
Tomorrow we will meet for the first time in this life. I already love you beyond words. I am amazed at how much I can love someone I have not met. I wonder what you will look like and how I will care for someone so precious and small.
We are not in for an easy couple of weeks. I will help you get through them. I love you.
I have been privileged to have you inside of me for the past 34 weeks. We did not know you were coming, but nothing in the world has changed my life more. We were truly blessed when the Lord sent you to us. You were conceived in love, and join a mommy and a daddy who have waited for you for a long time. Your daddy and mommy love each other very much, and you are an extension of that love. We are so blessed to be your parents.
These last 34 weeks have not been easy on any of us. I can only imagine how hard you have had to fight to remain alive. I don't know why the placenta my body created for you formed poorly, but it did. I wish I could have protected you from this, but it was beyond my control. I have had the best medical care I could find during my pregnancy with you.
I love you even though we have not met yet. I am so excited to see you. I cannot wait to hold and kiss you.
Somehow, I hope that you and I can have a better relationship than I have with my mother. I will try to be less overbearing and pushy, but I'll fail at times. I'm only human. Please forgive me as I overprotect you. I would love nothing more to be able to promise you that I will always know what to do and say, but I already know I won't. I will try to cut you some slack, please do so with me. You will likely hate me in about 13 years, but hopefully you will know you are loved fiercely by me.
I will love you no matter what. I want to teach you to love others and to be a positive addition to the world you live in. You are a very wanted and loved baby. You are being born into a family which is not perfect by any means, but is joined by love. That is a blessing beyond measure. You are also being born an American citizen. I pray you will never see war in your homeland. Our country is not perfect, but it is one of the best around. You will be able to vote, speak freely, and chose any career you want. You have the privilege of becoming as educated as your mind will allow. So many women in this world do not have that blessing. I will love you and expect you to fulfill your potential. If you need help, I'll help you every step of the way. If your potential comes in a non traditional for, because of disability or something else, I'll love you just as much as if you became president.
I wish I could give you a full 40 week pregnancy. I cannot. Your body is showing signs that you will do better in the world, not in my womb. Please forgive me as you are removed from my body tomorrow, 6 weeks early. I did my best to get you to this point, and have loved feel you move inside of me. I love you, and will be there for you every step of the way as you come into the world before you are ready. I am sad to know that after tomorrow morning, I will not feel you move inside of me again. I will miss holding you safely inside of me. Since we knew you were coming, I have had a little loved one with me at all times. It has been nice to not be alone. I wanted to be pregnant for so long, and feeling you inside of me has been a strong reminder of the Lord's love for us, and for how blessed I am to be your mom.
Tomorrow we will meet for the first time in this life. I already love you beyond words. I am amazed at how much I can love someone I have not met. I wonder what you will look like and how I will care for someone so precious and small.
We are not in for an easy couple of weeks. I will help you get through them. I love you.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Announcing......
A New wonderfully working computer!!!!
I love my new computer and wide-screen monitor. My accessories will talk to it, dah dah dah!!!
So here is where I am with the pregnancy.....
Sydney is arriving on Saturday. I have to get up VERY early in the morning. She is arriving by C-Section. So not looking forward to that.
At the peri's today, her growth has dropped off. She weighs about 3 pounds 4 ounces. She was moving and breathing like a champ. She passed the bio profile with no problems. From what I'm being told, it is likely that once we get her off this failing placenta and onto breast milk and oxygen, she should grow like a weed. She will likely not have breathing problems, but her sucking reflex could be problematic.
If you could pray for my little girl, I would appreciate it. It was so hard to get her here, and nothing about this pregnancy has been easy.
On the family front, can I divorce my husband and my mother and keep my mother in law? DH (stands for Damn) was an ass the other day in front of my mom, and now she is convinced I'm an abused wife. He was just having a pity party about not getting his lap top because I want to do research. He and my sister are being pretty tense as well. My MIL is being wonderful... she must be on new meds. Anyway, Vince and my mom have called a truce because I put her on the speaker and yelled at both of them. DH and my mom even went shopping for a Mother's day gift for me. My sister (the one Vince is tense with) now works at the hospital.
I was going to post my birth plan, but it is on the old computer and I'm not hooking that thing back up until after the surgery. I'll have to make a copy of it when I go to the Doc's tomorrow.
Also, anyone know why my new computer does NOT have a printer port? Do I need to get a new cable or something?
I'm almost done posting something for tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
It has been much nicer posting this on the new, non crappy computer.
I love my new computer and wide-screen monitor. My accessories will talk to it, dah dah dah!!!
So here is where I am with the pregnancy.....
Sydney is arriving on Saturday. I have to get up VERY early in the morning. She is arriving by C-Section. So not looking forward to that.
At the peri's today, her growth has dropped off. She weighs about 3 pounds 4 ounces. She was moving and breathing like a champ. She passed the bio profile with no problems. From what I'm being told, it is likely that once we get her off this failing placenta and onto breast milk and oxygen, she should grow like a weed. She will likely not have breathing problems, but her sucking reflex could be problematic.
If you could pray for my little girl, I would appreciate it. It was so hard to get her here, and nothing about this pregnancy has been easy.
On the family front, can I divorce my husband and my mother and keep my mother in law? DH (stands for Damn) was an ass the other day in front of my mom, and now she is convinced I'm an abused wife. He was just having a pity party about not getting his lap top because I want to do research. He and my sister are being pretty tense as well. My MIL is being wonderful... she must be on new meds. Anyway, Vince and my mom have called a truce because I put her on the speaker and yelled at both of them. DH and my mom even went shopping for a Mother's day gift for me. My sister (the one Vince is tense with) now works at the hospital.
I was going to post my birth plan, but it is on the old computer and I'm not hooking that thing back up until after the surgery. I'll have to make a copy of it when I go to the Doc's tomorrow.
Also, anyone know why my new computer does NOT have a printer port? Do I need to get a new cable or something?
I'm almost done posting something for tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
It has been much nicer posting this on the new, non crappy computer.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Update
I am so sorry for the crappy job I have been doing updating my blog. Basically my old computer is a POS and keeps crashing. I have written a couple of updates, but they just get eaten. Or.... Blogger says my cookies are disabled because of memory problems. So here is the update, I am sorry for the silence.
- I'm still pregnant. I'm 32 weeks, 5 days. Thursday is 33 weeks.
- I have twice weekly Non stress tests, and a weekly appointment with either the OB or a specialist. I had the steroid shots weeks ago.
- She is looking ok right now. She is about 3.5 weeks behind in her development. Her head is only a half week behind, which is nothing. Her abdomen is 3 weeks behind, and her femur is 6 weeks behind. I am joking I am having a troll doll, with the big head and tiny legs. The good thing about that is we can assume that her brain is on track developmentally.
- Still SICK of the bed rest. I am re-reading the Harry Potter series. Up to book 5 now. I have discovered that my OB is a huge Harry Potter fan as well, and we had a chat about Snape and Dumbledore. (I don't want to spoil book 6 for anyone who has not read it.) She and I are in disagreement on the issue BTW. I was reading book 5 during my NST.
- I will likely deliver by planned c-section in week 34 or 35. Because of the concerns of placental failure or abruption, we will be delivering early. About week 35 the risks of these life threatening complications becomes astronomical. They are pretty high right now.
- My mom is driving me CRAZY!!!!! I can stand up to my husband, his mother, my boss, my boss's boss, judges, attorneys, child abusing pyschos, Qwest, the rude clerk at the grocery store, but not her. I am just going into scared teenager mode with her. Any one else out there with a controlling mom?
- Hopefully I will purchase a new computer soon, and will trash this POS.
- My PDA also refuses to connect to my wireless network, so unless I'm willing to sit in our office chair, also known as a CIA torture device, I'm not online much.
- I hate OPRAH and Martha. They are SO preachy. Maury with his paternity questions, that is quality entertainment.
- I still don't show. With my doctor's permission, I went nursing bra shopping today. The clerk wanted to know how long I was nursing. I bought a stroller car seat combo. I was asked if they are a gift. I'm not being vain. This is a painful issue for me. I just look fat, and I am 8 months pregnant, damn it. I show if I sit down, or if my belly is showing for a test or something like that. If ONE more person tells me how good I look, I'll scream. A pregnant woman is not supposed to look thin.
- The tabloids (a personal secret hobby of mine) are ruined because of this. Freaking Angelina is running all over Africa helping starving children while I lay in bed. Katie Holmes was shoe shopping for $500 shoes the day before she delivered. Both women show, and looked ready to pop. I can still wear non maternity shirts and pants with a soft waist band.
All in all, I am very lucky. She is still cooking, and they have been worried about her coming for 10 weeks now. I have had good medical care, and am at peace with what is going on. I just had to whine a little.
A small little girl is kicking my bladder now, so I need to log off. Thanks to everyone who checked for an update.
Chat about my mom.....
Been having problems with my mom. I chated with Danielle about this, and here it is. I even left the spelling errors intact.
WendyLou says:
I know you are away, but my blog is down, and I need to vent about my mom.'
WendyLou says:
Anyway, she has been getting VERY pushy lately. I am a strong person, with my own will, why am i just caving to her, I don't know.
WendyLou says:
After lecturing me for about half an hour with the sun in my face, for which I got a sunburn about how to have a successful marraige and bring home the baby and not destroy it, she then drops the bomb that I know. Vince is gone the whole month of July. I had planned to have the whole month off, but because of the bed rest, I won't. Oh BTW, Her marraige was a stunning success. Let me tell you.
WendyLou says:
Anyway, basically, I should stop expecting Vince to do ANYTHING aound the house, and the baby is mostly my responsibility until she gets interesting. I should not expect him to RST the drill the weekend after we think she will be born. I should not expect him to pick up the damn living room or get up with the baby too much? Why the hell am I married then, for the sex???????
WendyLou says:
Anyway, she is bashing my MIL because when my MIL was over here under extreme exaustion, she questioned my choice of diapers. She says my MIL is bossy and controling. HA!!!!!! Pot calling kettle black. I did point out to her that both she and I are pretty bossy. She said she will not undermine my being a mom.
WendyLou says:
No, her grand plan for the month that Vince is gone and I have to work full time and have a premie/ 3 month old is to basically move into her home. LOVELY, I get to add a 45 cmmute minute to all this stress, rather than a 5 minute one. WTF is she not moving in with me?
WendyLou says:
MY MIL works graves, and has offered to stay at my house during the day while she sleeps. Then my mom asks what I would feel if she got rough with my baby.... UMMM the same thing I would feel if anyone got rough wiht my baby, Get your damn hands off of her.
WendyLou says:
So seriously, I feel trapped between 2 controlling women, one admits it and one is in complete denial about her controling. Problem is, I need help, I can't do this alone, and I can't handle a 2 month old with no help while Vince is gone, and I'm a mess.
Lady Magus says:
hey, i'm here, gimme a sec to catch up
Lady Magus says:
wowzers woman
WendyLou says:
My mom feels that my MIL will take advantage of my being upset because Vince is gone, and run all over me. My mom is taking advantage of my being vunerable because I am worried about the baby and running all over me. Oh, I should also maybe consider not having Vince come to all the appointments. She seems to forget that he has not been to many lately because of school.
WendyLou says:
K, so I'm just screwed, right.
Lady Magus says:
not at all
WendyLou says:
I just needed to get it out, away or not.
Lady Magus says:
you're fine
WendyLou says:
I could have JUST screamed at her.
WendyLou says:
I'm currently hiding from her online.
Lady Magus says:
here is what i would do, k?
WendyLou says:
K
Lady Magus says:
consider: do you want help from the grandma that is willing to help in a way that benefits HER, or the one that benefits YOU? (ie, in your home or somewhere else you don't want to be)
Lady Magus says:
second, you don't HAVE to let either help with this
Lady Magus says:
i am positive you can find a really good person with no kids to come be a nanny for a month
WendyLou says:
Never thought of that....
Lady Magus says:
next, don't fight with your mom... either hang up if it's on the phone or walk away, saying as you do so, "this is not your life, please let me live it"
WendyLou says:
We did not fight... I just sat there like I was 16, and if I said something wrong, she would take away my car.
WendyLou says:
See, I think she wants to be helpful, I just think she has NO idea how she is coming off.
Lady Magus says:
well, then tell her, mom i am a grown woman and i would appreciate it if you treated me as such
WendyLou says:
I own my damn car. If she took it away, that would be grand theft auto. I am just falling back into teenager mode with her.
Lady Magus says:
lol
WendyLou says:
How do I set boundries with her?
Lady Magus says:
i understand, truly, hardest thing i have ever done is tell my dad he can't control me
Lady Magus says:
hmmm
Lady Magus says:
tell her straight up when she says or does something that hurts
WendyLou says:
I know. I had done very well with this untill the baby.
WendyLou says:
This is her first grandchild.
Lady Magus says:
how does Vince feel about all this?
WendyLou says:
Oh... I could get going on how she thinks Vince cannot handle Sydney in the NICU after birth. She wants me to fight a battle so that someone(read her) can be with the baby right after birth, but I should follow the rules about my having to be able to sit up in a wheelchair to see her, about 10 hours after her birth.
Lady Magus says:
it is a privilege in being a parent to be the first one there
Lady Magus says:
she needs to realize that
Lady Magus says:
Vince may do like Randy and be an absolute rock and get you through it, in fact, i bet he wil
Lady Magus says:
she needs to have more faith in him as a father
WendyLou says:
He does not know about the talk I got today. I don;t know how to tell him.., Gee my mom thinks you can't handle this baby stuff. She said that she will keep the stuff for her in the NICU because Vince is bad at agthering stuff. I told her, actually, give him a good list and a general area of the item, and he will do just fine.
Lady Magus says:
remind her HE is the parent, good grief, i am so sorry
WendyLou says:
I think he will be the rock. I told him of her NICU concerns, and he pointed out that she was all supportive of him re-enlisting even though we KNOW there will be a deployment where he will see combat. He asked how he could be strong enought to kill and watch his buddies be killed, but not be there to support his baby daughter.
Lady Magus says:
can i suggest something?
WendyLou says:
I am discussing that one with my doctor5. I have no problem with Vince holding her, but I want to be the first to hold her.
WendyLou says:
Sure, I need help.
Lady Magus says:
it sounds to me like she is causing you a lot of stress and i doubt it will get better when the time comes. let me tell you, Sydney's birth will be stressful, the first few days will be scary, and the LAST thing you need is someone hanging out that causes more stress. i told Randy's aunt (who was being much like your mom) that she was NOT to come to the hospital, because things were already hard
Lady Magus says:
i am crying at the memory, but DON'T THINK SHE HAS TO BE THERE if it will stress you out! she is your mother, but she is NOT Sydney's
WendyLou says:
I think that would start world war 3. Good thought though. I have to think about that one.
Lady Magus says:
let her be mad, because believe me, extra stress on that day can HURT you AND Sydney
WendyLou says:
When I had my lap she was there and was really pushy, about getting up and coughing and the like, and I told her to F off. I said the word, not just f. I blamed it on the anesthia.
Lady Magus says:
oh no!
Lady Magus says:
i am lol though
WendyLou says:
My friend has offered to come run interfearance.
WendyLou says:
It felt good, and honestly, I was awake enough to not say it.
WendyLou says:
It just galls me that she has plans to see my baby before I can. I don't want Sydeny to be all alone, but damn it, I'm this kids's MOM.
Lady Magus says:
Wendy, a birth is about love and life and should be peaceful. she won't be alone, you will be able to see her after recovery
Lady Magus says:
and VInce can be with her too if he's still here
WendyLou says:
The social worker said mom's can't go to the NICU until they can sit up from the csection. But that was an intern, who know what the real social worker would say.
Lady Magus says:
i had c-sections and with Julia, i was in a wheelchair within an hour
WendyLou says:
There is NO way in hell she would be in there when I am giving birth. Even if this was normal, No way.
WendyLou says:
How? I was told 10 hours.
Lady Magus says:
nope
Lady Magus says:
i went to recovery, i woke up, they told me what was going on, and i went
Lady Magus says:
i don't remember it though
WendyLou says:
I have discussed the MOM issue with my doc, and she has already agreed wrote in my chart only one person allowed in there. My mom wanted to be there in the c section, but the hospital rules are strict there, thank God. I know she is excited, but I just stressed out.
WendyLou says:
I'm having a planned one, so I should be awake. My co-worker said she remembers everything that happened in her awake C-section.
Lady Magus says:
i was knocked out because we were in trouble
WendyLou says:
I am sure if this was not a planned one... I'd end up that way.
WendyLou says:
Vince just got home after failing a final. I need to pay attention to him. Thank you for listening.I will think about all this. I envy my sisters because I will have fought this battle for them as well as countless others.
WendyLou says:
So before my hotmail crashed, I saw an email about Randy coming home. Do you have a date?
Lady Magus says:
between June 17 and 23 they should be in Cedar
WendyLou says:
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lady Magus says:
yep
WendyLou says:
Are you going to drive down?
Lady Magus says:
oh yeah!!! they are putting us up for a couple nights
Lady Magus says:
i gotta go, sis having heart trouble, talk later
WendyLou says:
I know you are away, but my blog is down, and I need to vent about my mom.'
WendyLou says:
Anyway, she has been getting VERY pushy lately. I am a strong person, with my own will, why am i just caving to her, I don't know.
WendyLou says:
After lecturing me for about half an hour with the sun in my face, for which I got a sunburn about how to have a successful marraige and bring home the baby and not destroy it, she then drops the bomb that I know. Vince is gone the whole month of July. I had planned to have the whole month off, but because of the bed rest, I won't. Oh BTW, Her marraige was a stunning success. Let me tell you.
WendyLou says:
Anyway, basically, I should stop expecting Vince to do ANYTHING aound the house, and the baby is mostly my responsibility until she gets interesting. I should not expect him to RST the drill the weekend after we think she will be born. I should not expect him to pick up the damn living room or get up with the baby too much? Why the hell am I married then, for the sex???????
WendyLou says:
Anyway, she is bashing my MIL because when my MIL was over here under extreme exaustion, she questioned my choice of diapers. She says my MIL is bossy and controling. HA!!!!!! Pot calling kettle black. I did point out to her that both she and I are pretty bossy. She said she will not undermine my being a mom.
WendyLou says:
No, her grand plan for the month that Vince is gone and I have to work full time and have a premie/ 3 month old is to basically move into her home. LOVELY, I get to add a 45 cmmute minute to all this stress, rather than a 5 minute one. WTF is she not moving in with me?
WendyLou says:
MY MIL works graves, and has offered to stay at my house during the day while she sleeps. Then my mom asks what I would feel if she got rough with my baby.... UMMM the same thing I would feel if anyone got rough wiht my baby, Get your damn hands off of her.
WendyLou says:
So seriously, I feel trapped between 2 controlling women, one admits it and one is in complete denial about her controling. Problem is, I need help, I can't do this alone, and I can't handle a 2 month old with no help while Vince is gone, and I'm a mess.
Lady Magus says:
hey, i'm here, gimme a sec to catch up
Lady Magus says:
wowzers woman
WendyLou says:
My mom feels that my MIL will take advantage of my being upset because Vince is gone, and run all over me. My mom is taking advantage of my being vunerable because I am worried about the baby and running all over me. Oh, I should also maybe consider not having Vince come to all the appointments. She seems to forget that he has not been to many lately because of school.
WendyLou says:
K, so I'm just screwed, right.
Lady Magus says:
not at all
WendyLou says:
I just needed to get it out, away or not.
Lady Magus says:
you're fine
WendyLou says:
I could have JUST screamed at her.
WendyLou says:
I'm currently hiding from her online.
Lady Magus says:
here is what i would do, k?
WendyLou says:
K
Lady Magus says:
consider: do you want help from the grandma that is willing to help in a way that benefits HER, or the one that benefits YOU? (ie, in your home or somewhere else you don't want to be)
Lady Magus says:
second, you don't HAVE to let either help with this
Lady Magus says:
i am positive you can find a really good person with no kids to come be a nanny for a month
WendyLou says:
Never thought of that....
Lady Magus says:
next, don't fight with your mom... either hang up if it's on the phone or walk away, saying as you do so, "this is not your life, please let me live it"
WendyLou says:
We did not fight... I just sat there like I was 16, and if I said something wrong, she would take away my car.
WendyLou says:
See, I think she wants to be helpful, I just think she has NO idea how she is coming off.
Lady Magus says:
well, then tell her, mom i am a grown woman and i would appreciate it if you treated me as such
WendyLou says:
I own my damn car. If she took it away, that would be grand theft auto. I am just falling back into teenager mode with her.
Lady Magus says:
lol
WendyLou says:
How do I set boundries with her?
Lady Magus says:
i understand, truly, hardest thing i have ever done is tell my dad he can't control me
Lady Magus says:
hmmm
Lady Magus says:
tell her straight up when she says or does something that hurts
WendyLou says:
I know. I had done very well with this untill the baby.
WendyLou says:
This is her first grandchild.
Lady Magus says:
how does Vince feel about all this?
WendyLou says:
Oh... I could get going on how she thinks Vince cannot handle Sydney in the NICU after birth. She wants me to fight a battle so that someone(read her) can be with the baby right after birth, but I should follow the rules about my having to be able to sit up in a wheelchair to see her, about 10 hours after her birth.
Lady Magus says:
it is a privilege in being a parent to be the first one there
Lady Magus says:
she needs to realize that
Lady Magus says:
Vince may do like Randy and be an absolute rock and get you through it, in fact, i bet he wil
Lady Magus says:
she needs to have more faith in him as a father
WendyLou says:
He does not know about the talk I got today. I don;t know how to tell him.., Gee my mom thinks you can't handle this baby stuff. She said that she will keep the stuff for her in the NICU because Vince is bad at agthering stuff. I told her, actually, give him a good list and a general area of the item, and he will do just fine.
Lady Magus says:
remind her HE is the parent, good grief, i am so sorry
WendyLou says:
I think he will be the rock. I told him of her NICU concerns, and he pointed out that she was all supportive of him re-enlisting even though we KNOW there will be a deployment where he will see combat. He asked how he could be strong enought to kill and watch his buddies be killed, but not be there to support his baby daughter.
Lady Magus says:
can i suggest something?
WendyLou says:
I am discussing that one with my doctor5. I have no problem with Vince holding her, but I want to be the first to hold her.
WendyLou says:
Sure, I need help.
Lady Magus says:
it sounds to me like she is causing you a lot of stress and i doubt it will get better when the time comes. let me tell you, Sydney's birth will be stressful, the first few days will be scary, and the LAST thing you need is someone hanging out that causes more stress. i told Randy's aunt (who was being much like your mom) that she was NOT to come to the hospital, because things were already hard
Lady Magus says:
i am crying at the memory, but DON'T THINK SHE HAS TO BE THERE if it will stress you out! she is your mother, but she is NOT Sydney's
WendyLou says:
I think that would start world war 3. Good thought though. I have to think about that one.
Lady Magus says:
let her be mad, because believe me, extra stress on that day can HURT you AND Sydney
WendyLou says:
When I had my lap she was there and was really pushy, about getting up and coughing and the like, and I told her to F off. I said the word, not just f. I blamed it on the anesthia.
Lady Magus says:
oh no!
Lady Magus says:
i am lol though
WendyLou says:
My friend has offered to come run interfearance.
WendyLou says:
It felt good, and honestly, I was awake enough to not say it.
WendyLou says:
It just galls me that she has plans to see my baby before I can. I don't want Sydeny to be all alone, but damn it, I'm this kids's MOM.
Lady Magus says:
Wendy, a birth is about love and life and should be peaceful. she won't be alone, you will be able to see her after recovery
Lady Magus says:
and VInce can be with her too if he's still here
WendyLou says:
The social worker said mom's can't go to the NICU until they can sit up from the csection. But that was an intern, who know what the real social worker would say.
Lady Magus says:
i had c-sections and with Julia, i was in a wheelchair within an hour
WendyLou says:
There is NO way in hell she would be in there when I am giving birth. Even if this was normal, No way.
WendyLou says:
How? I was told 10 hours.
Lady Magus says:
nope
Lady Magus says:
i went to recovery, i woke up, they told me what was going on, and i went
Lady Magus says:
i don't remember it though
WendyLou says:
I have discussed the MOM issue with my doc, and she has already agreed wrote in my chart only one person allowed in there. My mom wanted to be there in the c section, but the hospital rules are strict there, thank God. I know she is excited, but I just stressed out.
WendyLou says:
I'm having a planned one, so I should be awake. My co-worker said she remembers everything that happened in her awake C-section.
Lady Magus says:
i was knocked out because we were in trouble
WendyLou says:
I am sure if this was not a planned one... I'd end up that way.
WendyLou says:
Vince just got home after failing a final. I need to pay attention to him. Thank you for listening.I will think about all this. I envy my sisters because I will have fought this battle for them as well as countless others.
WendyLou says:
So before my hotmail crashed, I saw an email about Randy coming home. Do you have a date?
Lady Magus says:
between June 17 and 23 they should be in Cedar
WendyLou says:
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lady Magus says:
yep
WendyLou says:
Are you going to drive down?
Lady Magus says:
oh yeah!!! they are putting us up for a couple nights
Lady Magus says:
i gotta go, sis having heart trouble, talk later
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