Update on how we are all doing....

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the warm thoughts and comments. I'm still working on getting everything posted, but I thought I better post an update while I work on that.

Sydney's weight is down from birth, but is up from her low. She weighed 2 pounds 10.6 ounces. I really should get the metric equivalents as well. The .6 is very important because this is the first time she has GAINED weight. I'm trying to not get too excited about this, because she will likely lose weight again. The only order the doctor made today for her is to have her bili level checked tomorrow. Yeah! She is in an incubator because she is having temperature control problems. We can hold her twice a shift, and she tries drinking from a bottle during those times, usually. She usually manages about 8ccs of her 28cc meal, before sucking just wears her out.

Sydney is under the bili lights. It is hard seeing her there under those blue lights. I know at least this treatment is not hurting her, but she looks quite like an alien under them. I worry a lot about her eyes because she likes to take her sun glasses off. I've walked in and she was looking back at me. Her levels have dropped in half from a high of 12.8 to 6.6 this am. She will likely get off the lights tomorrow. She really did need to go under them, because just before they started the lights, she looked rather like Yoda, with her wrinkled face and greenish yellow skin.

I have not seen Sydney since Tuesday afternoon. I have a blasted cold sore, and am banished from the NICU. I think my cold sore is crusted enough to go in, but when I called the infection control Nazi, oh I meant nurse, it was pretty clear she had already made up her mind that I was not going in today. I decided to spare myself the trip and emotional drama of going to the hospital and being turned away. Not seeing her has been nearly impossible for me. If I did not know I could cause her or the other babies harm, I would have just carefully covered it with make up and gone in. I am very skilled at covering these, you know. I am on Valtrex and Zovirax. I started the anti-Anti viruals on Tuesday night. Tuesday morning, I had a zit in the place where I get cold sores, and my OB wrote me an order for Zovirax. Had it been filled and given to me that morning, I would not have a cold sore. Instead the nurses lost the prescription. My OB had to write it again that night, along with the Valtrex. Vince had to go get the cream. By that point, it was tingling, and I was banned from the NICU. Denavir cream works better than Zovirax, but it is toxic in breast milk, so I chose to go with the one that would let me still pump and have the milk fed to her. Oh, try filling a prescription for Valtrex without feeling the need to explain this is not for genital herpes. I was a bit embarrassed, but got over it, because I want this damn thing to crust over.

Leaving her there at the hospital yesterday was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. Both Vince and I hugged and cried after the car was loaded. The stupid nurses had me leaving at the same time as a mother with a healthy baby. Nice. I am sure they thought our baby died or something, but I really don't give a shit. I was leaving my first born, who I had not seen for over 12 hours at that point, and I was not taking her home. I know a home coming will happen, but it was VERY hard to leave.

I don't think I can put into words the highs and lows I have experienced this past week. I have NEVER cried this much. Don't worry, my mom and friends are on the postpartum depression patrol. I talked with my OB about it last night. She feels that as I am still on the Wellbutrin, I should be ok. I am to call her if I get worse, and she may change my med. She wants me to wait and see what happens when I get to see my daughter again, because, and she she is right, depression in my circumstance is VERY normal, and she would be worried if I was not depressed.

Anyway, one thing is going VERY well. I am pumping my breast milk like a champ. She has been on full breast milk for a couple of days now. She got formula yesterday and today, because I did not have enough to leave with them when I went home. By the time Vince went for her midnight feeding, I had pumped enough to feed her today. Another staff member took them to the freezer when he got there, and the nurse did not know it was there. The milk was found safe and sound, and she went back onto my milk at noon. I am so so glad this is going well, because it is the only thing I can do for her right now. When my mom asked where the milk was, I kind of started a temper tantrum about the stupid staff and Vince told them it was there. My mom warned me to be nice when I called, because another mom went off while she was there and had to be escorted out of the Nicu. At least I am not banned for bad behavior. Sydney vomited last night and this morning, and now we can guess why. She has not vomited my milk, she has vomited the formula. Pumping has gone rather easy, a fact I am grateful for. I rented the same pump I used in the hospital, I decided I don't want to monkey one bit with something that has been working so well. My milk came in with very little pain. I really have not got engorged yet, knock wood. I just kind of felt like my breasts needed to pee. When it came in, I had planned to sleep thorough that pumping session, but both my bladder and my breasts woke me up and demanded attention. My nipples are a bit sore, but nothing unmanageable. I've been using Lansinoh cream, which is a miracle cream. When I googled to find the link, I happened across that this is not a PETA cruelty free product. Oh well, can't have it all. I worry a bit something will go wrong with this too, as it has been going so well.

Oh, my MIL is a horror. New post on that later. Short story, she hollered at my mom and sister DURING my c-section. I came back to find my mom really upset. When MIL came into see me, she cried about how she felt judged or something like that. Mind you I had just had major surgery and had no idea how my baby was. She then did not come by on Sunday, but called us on our phones early Monday am, woke us up, and hollered at Vince for not wishing her happy Mother's day. NICE. Oh, a really nice gift and card were wrapped in my suitcase for her, as I expected she would come up on Sunday. My mom got all up about this too, but I'll post about that too.

So far we have had mostly good nurses at the NICU. We have a couple of favorites, including Darla the one currently caring for Sydney, whom I have never met. She has been SO wonderful on the phone today. We have had one BAD nurse, who is no longer caring for Sydney. There will be a post on her too. She said it was hard to be the nurse sometimes, when she told me I could not hold Sydney. When I got back to my room after leaving really upset, my nurse found me crying. (The tears started before I left the Nicu, and increased as I got to my room and heard a baby crying). She got the RN over the whole department involved, and short story version, Sydney will not have that nurse again because we can't trust her. I bet that was a LOVELY conversation nurse McCarthur (I'll explain the nick name) had with her boss. They have a new social worker who actually told me that I was thinking too DCFS mode with asking for things in Sydney's care plan to happen, as I wanted to be a part of her interdisciplinary team, and be more involved with her care and her treatment. I told her it was pathetic if the child welfare system could do a better job involving families in their children's lives than the hospital NICU. I pointed out that DCFS parents had abused their children and we had done NOTHING wrong. I asked her how I am expected to attach to this baby and be detached from her care and plan of care. She told me I don't have to worry about her getting an attachment disorder, if that is what I was worried about. I was again crying and asked her to leave. I was alone when she came, I can't remember where Vince was. Nurse who will not be ignored (the head RN) also was very interested to hear this. Oh, and on the bad night with Nurse McCarthur, the other nurses and staff threw a Mother's day party in the other room. I could hear it, and felt it was rather unprofessional. I mean, if they are trying to have a low stimulus environment, a group of women laughing loudly and talking about people at church, their husbands, etc is not the way to do this. I was sitting in the NICU reading Harry Potter while this was going on. Nurse McCarthur had upset me, so I decided I was going to sit by my baby for a couple of hours to be there to watch her. Nurse who will not be ignored heard about that as well, because she asked me to tell her everything that happened the night before.

There have been two VERY wonderful things through these last 5 days. They are Sydney and Vince. Sydney looks like her daddy. She is doing so well, and is healthy for how young she is. She has the deepest eyes, and makes the cutest faces. I love her smile. YES, I AM AWARE THIS IS JUST GAS (as everyone has seen fit to tell me). She does not smile when she is upset, just when she is happy. Anyway, she has her daddy's smile, and I love his smile. She also looks like her daddy. She is VERY tiny, like a little bird.

Vince has been WONDERFUL. He has tried to protect me from the drama of my mother and my MIL. Thankfully he sees what she is doing and wants to protect Sydney and myself from her crap. He has been there 100% through this process. He is so cute and gentle with our daughter. He has been my rock and I love him all the more for it. He is VERY supportive of my pumping, and has been SO helpful. He has made this tough process bareable. He keeps the pump clean, and brings it to me assembled in the night. I guess because of my experience with my dad, I thought he would kind of tolerate and ignore it. Instead he has jumped in with full support. It is amazing to me. He is so involved, all I have to do is make the milk and hold the pump. He is a wonderful father and husband. He is so supportive of us.

I have started a new Blog http://www.writing4sydders.blogspot.com/. That blog will be for family consumption, meaning the drama with my mom and MIL will not be there. I'll continue to post here, as I intend to post my feelings and whatever here. Writing4Sydders is intended to be a daily diary, about what is happening to her that day. This is my sounding board, the new one is my travelogue.

And as a reward to everyone who has read this far, here is a link to pictures of Sydney, taken by my good friend Dawn, whose cover story is that she is my step sister (visitation is limited to family). I have also taken my "auntie" Paula and her daughter in. I'm working on getting more posted, I'll post those links. Here she is....My precious Sydney.