What a difference a scab makes...

So, the cold sore scabbed over, and I was cleared to go in by the infection control nurse (renamed Polar Bear, as her office is covered with them). She suggested I wear a mask solely to remind myself not to kiss her or touch my face. As I leave her office to basically run to the NICU, I hear her calling them telling them I'm ok.

So I get there. I am on cloud nine. I had been warned by my mom that there are several cranky nurses in there today. Thankfully Sydney's nurse was not one of them. Cranky Pants says I'm not allowed because I have to wear a mask. They are calling someone. I tell her that Janette cleared me, and the mask is to remind me to not touch my face. I'm sent to scrub. Another cranky pants says no masks. Vince was driving the car around the hospital as the infection control office is in the front and the NICU is in the back. I basically plead with them to not do this to me. I mean, I'm cleared to come in, let me in. Cranky pants #2 sends me to scrub. (You always scrub for 3 minutes before entering the NICU.)

I'm done scrubbing and Vince arrives. I update him. He is not happy. I then finish scrubbing and gown up. I enter Sydney's area. The charge nurse is out. The nurse in charge again says no masks. I tell her to get Polar Bear on the phone, because the mask is solely to keep my hands off my face like a baby. She finally relents, and finds me a mask.

I then sit by my little girl's incubator. I'd had a disagreement with the social worker this morning, and was rewarded by Sydney's isolette being covered with 2 large signs on how she is low stimulus, and that we have to ask permission to touch her. NICE. I seriously hate that woman, and am going to call her supervisor and have her removed or decline social work help on Monday. She treats me like I am complete and utter idiot. Of course we need to be careful about stimulating Sydney. I've educated myself on this and support this wholeheartedly. HOWEVER, her doctors feel she can tolerate being held twice a shift. Neither Vince, my mom, or myself have ever fought having her put back in her box when she gets stressed. I don't understand why this woman feels she knows it all. After one run in with her, I nearly refused to hold her because I was afraid of hurting her, and the doctor named Dr. Hawk-eye basically put her in my arms. (The first time I met him, he was wearing a red Hawaiian shirt.) We saw Dr. Golf today (so named because he looked like he was headed to the links after rounds.) He said nothing has changed, someone just felt the need to put up some signs. I can still touch and hold her.

So while I sit there and just gaze at my little one. I'm still in shock I'm in there. I get to pump while we wait for feeding time. Her nurse was so nice, I am sad she was a temp nurse. The NICU is VERY full right now. She was wonderful. She let me wrap Sydney in a blanket made for her by a friend, and got me a pillow to help me keep her in a good position. It was heavenly holding her. I felt like a 20 pound weight is off my back. I held her for about 45 minutes. she then started to show stress signs, and we put her in the incubator. I rocked her and sang songs to her. Because she would always kick up a storm when I watched the movie, she was treated to various selections from the Sound of Music, as well as my favorite Beatles song, I will. I've always thought of this as a love song to a person you have not met yet and already know you love. When we were going through the infertility and the negative pregnancy tests, this song was one I would sing to my child who was not coming yet again.

Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to--I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.
Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, da, do, lala.

I tried to sing church hymns and children's songs to her, but I just started to choke up, so I stuck with secular songs today.

Sydney ate 5ccs of milk. The rest (20 ccs) was fed down her feeding tube. She threw up, and it came out of her mouth and nose. It really scared me, but the nurse said this is normal, as did the doctor. I was very jumpy and would get worried any time her alarms would go off. Vince, I guess, is much more used to these, and he kept calming me down. She went on a great sucking and swallowing run, but I had to interrupt her, because her sats were getting low. She is still working on learning the whole suck, swallow, and breathe thing. She had suck and swallow down today. Breathing will come too.

Sydney is 35 weeks gestation. She is a week old tomorrow. It was so nice to see her. She kept looking at her daddy, but did respond to me too. She already has the makings of a daddy's girl. If it was not my daughter, I'd be getting jealous over the time he is spending with this new lady in his life. He is so wonderful with her. He seems so in awe of her, and talks so sweetly to her. Last night Sydney had a temp nurse not familiar with the NICU. She usually works Peds. He was less than impressed. She seemed to think that even though her usual bath time is Midnight, he just wanted to feed her. He did not get to help with her bath, and was not happy. I basically had to drag him out of there at 2am, so he could drive home. I told him over the phone that she will be ok and that she needs her daddy alive, not dead because he fell asleep at the wheel. He wanted to stay to 3am for her bath. He did come home though, and cried because he did not want to leave her. It was nice to comfort and hold him. He has been so strong for me.

Anyway, unless I can convince him that it will be ok for me to drive tonight, no one will be there for her midnight bath until Sunday night. Vince has drill this weekend, and neither him nor my mom will leave me home alone. Drill starts early in the am, so he needs sleep. The plan is that I see her in the am, go to my moms, drive back in the pm see her, then go home and sleep. Tomorrow is the first time I can drive, so I don't want to overdo things. I wish bath time was at 9pm, but is it at midnight. Sunday I'll be there for her bath. My mom had wanted me to come up today and spend the entire weekend, but I've done that before when Vince had a day time only drill and we were both miserable and missed each other. If this was a sleep over drill I would do that, but he will be home at about 6pm, so I am coming home. I don't think I could go that long without him right now.

As for me, I overdid it yesterday. I was exhausted. Vince convinced me to get dressed by offering me dinner at Cracker Barrel, one of my favorite restaurants. We then went on base to get him a hair cut and buy a Dyson pet hair model vacuum. I've priced them in the past and they all seem to be the same price no matter where you go, so we bought it on base to save the sales tax. I was doing fine until we were checking out. I just wore out. We were leaving the store, and I sat on a picnic table to wait for him to get the car. I was in pain. A nice pregnant lady saw me having problems and waited with me while he got the car. She was so kind. I did not get her name, but she has my gratitude. When we got home, Vince went on a cleaning streak, and seems to be nesting.

Today, after the visit, I basically came home and collapsed in bed for an afternoon nap. Now that the stress has lifted somewhat, I feel so spent and tired. I just snuggled in my bed with my cat and slept until I had to pump.

I also want to thank you for your kind comments. They mean the world to me. You are all so nice to read my really long posts. I've been using this as my way to put my feelings into words. I love to see what people have posted and know that people whom I have never met care about us. I hope my posts have not been too long, because I've needed the long posts.

Today "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon came on the oldies station. Besides making me cry, because it is a love song from a parent to their child, it seemed so appropriate for us and where we are right now. When I go tonight I'll sing it to her, changing to to Beautiful girl and putting her name into the song. Lines that are specifically appropriate are:

Every day in every way, it's getting better and better,...

I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll just have to be patient
Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go, but in the meantime, ...

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

This is life and I am blessed to be a part of the journey. I'm finding inner strength I never knew I had, I feel our marriage and commitment to each other has deepened and strengthened, and I have a healthy baby who just need to grow and make normal developmental progress. I have grown closer to the Lord though this, and have felt His love and concern.