Random thoughts

I have several different topics to cover, so bear with me.

I am VERY stressed right now. I've taken to wearing my teeth grinding guard during the day because the grinding and clenching is so bad.

It is stressful having Vince leave. His job is giving him the run around. I'm worried he does not have time to prepare.

Work is boring.

2 co-workers are pregnant. 5 and 6 weeks. Today they were having a conversation about births etc, and I'd say something and I got told that's because your birth was weird, your pregnancy was bad, etc. I really felt out of place, like if I told my experience, I was cursing them or something. I excused myself and went and cried in my office because of how out of place I felt, and how robbed of what they had I felt, and how unvalidated my experiences were. And I would normally call one of these women a friend.

My mom and my sister had another blow out today. My brother the pious and I am trying to give them some space, so I offered to let her come live with me after Vince leaves. She can go live with him in the mean time. My mom took this to us trying to split up the family and taking my sister's side. What we are trying to do is to not take sides, but recognize that all this constant fighting is really bad for both of them and give them some space to calm down and remember that they love each other. Mom called me tonight and yelled at me, saying we were letting my sister off easy. Problem is I can see thought my mother's controlling behaviors. She has also conveniently forgotten all the crap my brother and I pulled and making us out to be perfect teenagers and we were not. Trust me. She thinks them being at each other's throats constantly is healthier than them getting some space. She did this with my dad. She did this with my brother. They fought constantly. For years. Because that was better than a divorce.

I'm not saying that my sister is blameless here by far, but ALL the problems are my sisters, NONE are my mother's. I'm sure she is struggling with the fact her baby is 18 and trying to be independent and making mistakes at it, but my mom is really doing this the wrong way. It is so bad, that if my sister was under 18, I'd be calling DCFS.

I'm stuck in a hard spot. I want to help my sister, but don't really want my mom to come after me. I don't need that too. She started in on my this evening, but thankfully got an ambulance call. I don't want to take sides. She used to have me try to take sides between her and my dad, and I won't do it any more between her and anyone, and it makes her SO mad, then she comes after me. Happened several times when I lived there, which is reason 1 I won't go live there again. You just can't talk to her when she gets like this. If you don't agree with her, than you are attaching her. I mentioned that getting them some space would end the power struggle between her and my sister, and she yelled there was none, if my sister would just follow her rules.

My mom is very good at twisting things.

My mom REALLY ticked me off. She used Sydney as pawn. She told my sister that she was going to tell me she was too irresponsible to watch Sydney and that I would not let her care for Sydney. I've tried really hard to stay neutral in their war. I've tried really hard to be supportive, but she just drew my innocent baby into her battle. NOT OK. I (and Vince) DECIDE WHO SEES SYDNEY, NOT HER. SHE IS NOT SYDNEY'S PARENT, AND I WILL NOT LET HER ACT LIKE SHE IS. You all know how much I don't like my MIL, but I've never blocked her seeing Sydney. I might mock her dirty floors after we go, but at least we went.

Honestly, I think my mom needs meds and some heavy therapy. I've gently tried to address this with her, but been rebuffed. I spent almost 2 years in therapy dealing with her crap, and I won't go back to my old patterns which makes her so mad. I won't be the scapegoat. I REFUSE to try to social work my family. She tried to have me do marriage therapy between her and my dad, and it has haunted me. I won't do that. I'll suggest that she and my sister need therapy, but it will get thrown back in my face.

My brothers and I are out of her grasp. One brother barely has anything to do with us. One does, but constantly ticks my mother off because its not what she wants. I try to stay away from her when she is like this. I try to do things on my own terms, but know I cave to her more than I should.

Syd is sleeping better. She sleeps from about 11 to 7:30. She is sleeping with me, but at least she is sleeping. I have to keep her up which can be a challenge, but at least this is an improvement.

UGGGGG My MIL

I'll start off with something pleasant... pictures of Sydney on our vacation.







Now onto my rant....

So the MIL has been whining that we don't come around... again. So we went over tonight.

Some things to note as you read:

1. It is summer here. On the way home, the sign at a bank said 82 degrees Fahrenheit.


2. Sydney is an independent gal. She HATES socks.


3. Typical attire here in the summer is shorts and flip flops.

When MIL gets home, she starts in about the fact that Sydney did not have socks on. I was wearing flip flops, basically I HATE wearing socks when the temperature is above 75. I mentioned this and that Sydney just takes them off and looses them, so why bother. MIL said "Because her feet get dirty". So I'm to stain treat socks that get lost anyway so I don't have to give Sydney's feet an extra scrub in her bath? I thought skin washes.

Then MIL starts in on Sydney's knees. She said that if I had pants on her, her knees would not be getting dark. UGGGG So I have to have a ton of pants with holes in the knees so her knees don't get dirty... plus the fact that it is hot and I don't want her to be uncomfortable? WTH?

What I'd like to say to MIL is maybe you should mop your floors once in a while. She has all tile floors and Sydney's feet were FILTHY when we got home. Wanna see?

Yes, that is all from her being at my MIL's house and crawling on the floor. YUCK.

If you can tell, I'm much more upset about her questioning my mothering, once again. I cannot please that woman.

DH has a bad habit of putting people on speaker phone. He did this last week when we were en route to our camping trip. MIL told him she did not know how to make me happy, nothing pleased me. I held my tongue. I asked Vince what she wanted. At Sydney's birthday, I thought I welcomed them and that I told them how much I liked and appreciated Sydney's present. I mean I did not clap and jump for joy, but that would have been over the top for diapers, pj's and socks, really. I don't know how to please her, and frankly I'm done trying. I'll be polite and that is about it. I can't stand her, and if DH did not love her I'd have nothing to do with her.

She was complaining about the pictures of Sydney she has. She wants me to make more. She was complaining about the top of Sydney's head being chopped off on one... I moved it around in the frame, problem solved. She has never paid for a single picture. She demanded several from our wedding, which my mother paid for. She demanded a copy of the wedding video, which I paid for. She got angry when I handed her the order form and price sheet for the wedding photographer. I don't think she bought one. She helped herself to so many pictures of Sydney that my brother used his employee points to buy, that I had to buy more for me and my mom, and for my brother... and we bought a lot. She demanded but did not pay a cent for 10 graduation announcements for my husband's graduation. Money was VERY tight, and I skipped lunch twice to cover this.

This is the woman who went ballistic during my c-section, and has yet to apologize. This is the woman who got up in arms when she learned grandparents could visit at will, and she demanded her own bracelet (the golden ticket into the NICU) and then came ONCE to see Sydney, when we were there. She visited Sydney twice when Sydney was in the hospital. TWICE. My mom went almost daily during the week. Some sibling or other came to see me during the weekend. I had friends that came and saw Sydney more than MIL. She is so frustrating.

Since you have listened to my whine, here are some very cute pictures of my darling baby.

Tonight...

Been a quiet May

Sorry for the silence. I've been dealing with some pretty strong emotions lately. My baby turned one. She is doing so very well. She weighs 12 pounds 8 ounces. The ped is a bit worried about her weight, so we are now giving her pediasure. Well we are fedding the more affordable Wal Mart brand, but same thing. She likes it a lot. Wanna get dirty looks ? Feed your baby something that looks about 5 months old a bottle of a chocolate liquid in public.

Syd is VERY mobile. She is an excellent crawler. She can climb all the way to the top of our stairs in our split level home. Tonight, she climbed onto the couch for the first time. No longer is she a lump... she is now a baby on the move.

Embarassing things I've fed Sydney...
Beans from Taco Bell
French fries from any number of places
Diet coke.
Cake and ice cream
icees
among others

I'm struggling with DH lately. The ROTC crap is ongoing. I'm frustrated at his work and lack of a viable job search. I'm just really struggling with him... I'm fed up with being broke and carrying all the load of the home finances. I'd also like to say that Sydney has 2 parents.... I should not be the only one to feed, change, bathe, etc her.

I've been playing Godfather on the X box a lot lately. I also want to run away to Disneyland again. We had a lot of fun there. It was nice to be a family together.

House is a mess. Office is a mess. I'm tired a lot. I feel overwhelmed a lot.

My mom has LOADS of unsolicited ideas about how to improve my life. I'm tired of hearing it.

Am I whining... yeah I guess. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood. Now a poopy diaper awaits me as DH is doing his impression of a log on the living room floor.

Our eighth anniversary was this week. Vince bought me this watch for our anniversary. Course, I picked it out and told him that was what I wanted, but with my husband... that is what I've learned. If I want to get something I want... I have to make it VERY clear what I want. I've given up on being suprised... well after he spent $80 on bras and panties at Victorias Secret for Christmas one year for my Christmas present... I've learned. I really like the watch. I have several watches. I really like them. I have about 4 really nice watches with dead batteries. I should get the batteries changed rather than keep buying new ones. Funny Wendy.

Oh, on a miracle note... my Brother and his wife are pregnant. I have no idea if they were TTC or what, but they are no longer waiting to adopt. They are keeping quiet on the details, so I don't really know much. (Actually they are being stinking WEIRD about this and many other things, but that is another blog post.)

And since Dawn is much better at blogging and posting pics....

Here is a post on Syd's birthday party.
Syd at Strutt your Mutt... scroll Down
Our camping trip last weekend. We went dirt camping... not trailer camping like normal. It was SO stinking cold at night. Thankfully, Dawn gave us the dog's sleeping bag so we did not freeze. We were so under prepared for the cold. That was dumb of us. Next time, we will overprepare for the cold and under prepare for being hot...

Rock and a hard place.

Ok, some of you know me IRL. I work with some of you, and you are in our circle of friends.... I really don't want you to think that DH is a failure. Please don't judge him. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but please know he has worked very hard at being a success.

DH is likely not going to commission as an officer. It sounds as if his ROTC commander will not recommend him for commissioning. Basically it seems as if the past 2 years of ROTC hell are for nothing.

Why, you may ask? Sure there are things DH could have done to perhaps prevent this. Yes, he is not faultless in this. I'm not going to list his faults. However, who reading this is perfect?

DH did very well with the previous cadre. Then the cadre changed and the atmosphere changed. DH has struggled mightily to create a good impression with the cadre, and he failed. They have a very negative attitude toward him. He hears only negative, even when he is working so hard.

DH is trying to do well in his classes. He has been working very hard this semester, but the cadre are not seeing it.

So that is where we are. The catch is that we received a $500 a month stipend for the last year or so. It appears that the Army will want him to repay that amount by going on active duty for 2 years. They could require us to repay that $7000 ish, but from what I looked at online, it seems he will have to go active duty as an enlisted for 2 years.

Gasp. I am in shock. I did not know this fact.

I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what was going to happen. I don't relish the thought of repaying the $7000 but would much rather do that than uproot.

There is NO way we can make it on what DH's wages would be. NONE. I will still HAVE to work. I have a great job here with benefits, pension, stability. This place does not hire that often. If I leave, there is no guarantee they will have an opening when we come back. I have no guarantee of being able to get a decent job wherever we end up. I'm so worried. I don't want to move and job search. The whole reason we did this was for him to get an active OFFICER commission and me be able to stay home. That is not happening. Now it looks like we will have to move to wherever, and not have enough income, me have to work at whatever I can find. Then we come home, and hope to restart our lives, only I will have lost my job and career service standing?

I'm sickened by this turn of events. The thought of having no control and stuff this big being up in the air is killing me.

DH is so depressed. He is really beating him self up about this. There is such shame and guilt associated with this happening. I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to say. Everyone we know has been planning on him commissioning, and now it looks like he is not. How do we tell everyone?

I already know my mom will think I should stay here. She will think poorly of me if I follow him. I am worried she will give me a copy of 10 Stupid things women do to mess up their lives. She will say she followed a man and it was bad. She will say I am repeating her mistakes.

Am I?

I love DH very much, and I know that he loves me. He and I have been together through hell. We have been together for 8+years now. He was by my side both times I was fired from a post college job (one deserved, one not so deserved.) I owe him that, don't I? I don't want to be the fool, but I don't want to voluntarily live apart from DH for 2 years. That would be choosing my job over him. I don't want him to miss out on Sydney, and I don't want her to not have her father.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'll tell you, every time I tried to type years, I typed tears.

Unsolicited Parenting advice

Why is it that people seem to have the need to give unsolicited parenting advice? Am I doing such a bad job that I scream I need help with this? Is there a sign I can't see saying that I'm such a bad mom my baby is about to die?

I think I'm doing a good job at this. Sydney's pediatrician tells us how good she looks. R, Sydney's day care provider, tells me how happy and well adjusted my baby is. Sydney wears clean clothing appropriate for the weather, has had a bath within the last 48 hours (every day dries out her skin), always rides in her car seat. Her cries are attended to in a fairly quick manner, I breast feed her at will, we read to her daily, we have her involved in our daily lives, etc. She is growing, gaining weight, developing, is happy, has bright inquisitive eyes, and is very loved. I think she is doing fine.

HOWEVER, because I can't seem to get her to sleep in her own bed, you would think I'm the world's worse mom, EVER. My mom thinks I should get Ferber and let her cry it out. Frankly, no judgement on anyone who did this, I think CIO is bad, bad, bad. My MIL thinks I should play her Mozart and that will help her sleep in her own bed. I can't hear her cry and not do something about it. Great one more thing I should be doing that I'm not. Sydney listens to classical music when I'm in the mood for it while we drive. Sometimes we listen to Shakira or the Black Eyed Peas. Sometimes we listen to talk radio. Sometimes I just listen to her talk. Johnny Cash has a very calming effect on her, so we listen to the man in black on a fairly regular basis. She's been exposed to Elvis, Kenny Rogers, Celine Dion, Usher and all the other eclectic mix which resides on my Ipod. There is plenty of Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, and Vivaldi on there. I believe there are 4 or 5 MoTab cd's on there. So now because I don't listen to Mozart 24/7, I'm sorta neglectful, or as my MIL said "she should listen to more of that. I'll get you a CD." No please don't get me a CD because I have versions I like and get uppity when something like Beethoven's majestic 9th symphony is performed badly. Music snob yes I am.

I'm not going around wearing a sign saying "We co-sleep and I'm begging for advice from anyone and everyone." I really try to keep it on the down low that this is going on. It seems that EVERYONE thinks that how the baby sleeps is a good judge of how you mother, so it seems everyone asks about this. I try to hem and haw about this, but no, she does not sleep though the night. The only way I know how to get Sydney to sleep is to nurse her to sleep. She like to nurse on and off during the night. I don't have a problem with this. I'm away from her all day, I think having her next to me all night is a good way to reconnect and bond with her. Plus she has gotten good at finding my nipple without my help, so sometimes I don't even have to wake up. It feels very nice to know she is right next to me, just fine.

I just want to scream "If this is a problem for you, do what works for your family. This is what is working for mine, and I don't need any help with it. "

All this advice makes me question how I'm mothering. It makes me worry that I am doing something wrong. I am trying to go with the flow and follow Sydney's lead. We do what is working for us. This advice makes me wonder if they think I'm doing a bad job, and it leads me to question my mothering skills. There is so much to worry about as a mother. I just wish my mom or MIL would tell me they think I'm doing a good job at this. All this "advice" leads me to think they believe I'm not doing a good job.

Its all good

So we took Sydney to the ortho clinic yesterday. New x-rays, nothing showed up. It all looks good. The doc said to not worry about growth plates, they usually don't cause problems in babies and the bone scan showed the injury in the middle of her femur.

I'm tired. My job is boring and this last week has just drained me. I was so worried about so many things, I just want a break.

Thanks for the kind words. Really ready for a break. Actually looking forward to having my wisdom teeth pulled so I can have a break.

My mom is up to her usual drama, same crap as after Sydney was born. I want a break from that as well. Why can't my family be normal?

MIL up to naughty stuff as well. I am not enjoying the holidays and I miss that. I want to relax and enjoy Christmas. I really love Christmas.

Sydney is her happy and wonderful self. I wonder how someone as moody and depressed as I am could have such a happy go lucky as Sydney. She is the shining star in my life right now.

My brother is up to crap as well. Ohhh I can't stand him. Short: He thinks I should go somewhere else to nurse when I have people over on Christmas. Yeah, he runs my life. Not. He can shove it.

Why does my family think its ok to make stupid suggestions like that one?

A radio talk show host who shall not be named was asking a caller on her show if her family knew she was married, if they acted like it, did she know she was married and acted like it? Thoughts for me to ponder. I don't think that most of my family acts like I'm an adult. How do I change this?

Short update

Short update: I'll fill in later.

Good news: DD gained a whole ounce between Monday and this am. YAY!!!

Bad news: Femur is broken. I need to consult Dr. Google about this type of fracture. It is a "plastic" or greenstick fracture. She is in a splint to help remind us to be gentle by my request. It's not needed for healing.

What a hard day. She had to be sedated because of the bone scan. She nursed at 7:30 this am, then NOTHING until about 4. She was miserable. After the bone scan, because they were worried that ortho may want to do surgery, I was not allowed to feed her. It took both Nubane and Ketamine to get her knocked out. She was so drugged and limp. It was very hard for me to see her laying there motionless. When she woke up, all she wanted to do was nurse, and screamed unconsoably for an hour until she wore out. I was holding her, but this just made her madder, so my mom held and rocked and loved her. The crying just broke my heart. And no she did not need surgery at all, so this was all for nothing. I could have nursed her about 2 hours before I did. Poor baby.

I'll write more tomorrow. Since we got home, she has just wanted to nurse or have my breast very close by. Much comfort nursing going on.

Party at Primary Children's ER - Long

Sunday night I was over at my moms. The bench that my mom, who was holding Sydney, was on was not locked correctly, and collapsed. They ended up falling between my mom's bookcase and a rocking chair, we were in their living room. My mom did a great job protecting Sydney, but must have injured her little leg when they fell. My mom was holding Sydney's leg when they fell.

After the fall Sydney cried a lot. We thought it was from the commotion and the 5 women in the room screaming. I held her and got her to nurse, and she seemed ok. She co-slept fine Sunday night, and she had some rough nights the past couple of nights so that seemed like a blessing to me.

Monday morning come. She seems ok, but SCREAMS when I changed her diaper. I fed her mashed potatoes on Sunday night, without knowing they had milk in them. I thought it was gas, because she was farting, so I gave her baby gas medicine and she seemed fine. I noticed she was holding her left leg a bit oddly, but thought maybe her diaper needed adjusting, as she was back to her normal happy self. I packed her up for day care and she SCREAMED when I strapped her in, which is par for the course. She usually cries at car seat time.

I took her to day care. I let her provider know what happened and asked her to call me if anything was wrong. She later told me that Sydney was fine, ate fine, slept a little more than normal, but only cried when she was changing her diaper when it was time for me to pick Sydney up. DCP was very upset by her screaming. She did not call me because she knew I was on my way. I called the pediatricians office and got an after hours appointment at 7. Sydney is weighed and now weighs 10 pounds 2 ounces!!! We see the PA. He is very kind, does x rays, says we need to go to Primary Children's ER in Salt Lake, about 30 miles away.

Silly me, I answer when my mom calls, and she says she is coming down. She feels very bad. I told her that who ever was holding her on that bench it would have happened with. DH had a paper due this am, so we had to call my bro to borrow his laptop so DH could finish his paper.

So after me waiting at the peds office for about 45 minutes, DH, mom and Bro arrive. Sydney was all nursed and happy. We believe in the laying on of hands, so DH and Bro give her a blessing. Her leg got bumped during the blessing and she started screaming. My mom nearly lost it during the blessing and ended up crying all over the MA. She was a very nice and understanding MA.

So we all drive to Primary's. We get there and get checked in. Even though the peds office called down and said we were coming, we are told to wait in the lobby. Ummmm The absolute last place I want Sydney is in a pediatric hospital Er waiting room. I tell the nurse that. She said, "well you said she got the synagis shots..." Yes, but they don't prevent RSV, they minimize it. We end up waiting in the car. Sydney desperately wants to nurse, so my mom ends up walking the parking lot all bundled up.

After an hour waiting, we get in. We wait. We wait. Nurse practitioner come in. Seems he did not look at the chart, so asks all the same questions again. Asks why DD is small. Because she is an ex 34 week preemie weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, that's why. Anyway, he says that the x-rays that the peds office are basically worthless. Says we have to have some more.

Then the doctor in charge come in. She says that she and an orthopod looked over the x-rays and they were fine. They want different views of her knee after the doctor examined her leg. They also wanted to draw blood to rule out infections. She lets me nurse Sydney about midnight. Big relief for both of us, as I was about to send DH outside for the pump.

So rad tech comes for Sydney and I. We follow her. As we walk past the nurses desk, a nurse there says our x rays are on hold. We go back to our room, where I begin to panic.

As you may know, until a couple of months ago, I was a child welfare worker. Basically, as Sydney is an infant, I've been very upset that CPS would get called. There were plenty of witnesses to the accident, but still I was very worried. It turns out that a good friend was on-call for Davis county last night, but I still was so very worried. I don't want a CPS case, I don't want a CPS worker involved in my family at all. Something similar happened to another DCFS worker and the children got removed, the family was financially devastated, the worker lost his job. Their entire case was overturned by the appeals court. I'd rather skip that destruction to my family. Also, I believe that I would have to be put on admin leave if there is an investigation on-going as I work in a background clearance position of trust. So far to my knowledge, no referral has been made, thank God. It actually turns out that my friend had to respond to Primary Children's ER last night, same time as we were there. She knew where we were because she saw Vince walk into our room. She decided against visiting to spare me the heart attack that would have happened when I saw her, before she could say she was not there on business. I talked to my mom and DH about what to say if DCFS does get involved. As my sister is still a minor, my mom needs to remind her that she needs to ask for her parent if a caseworker shows up. Basically, I've been in the system, and while I think that child welfare is very needed, and I am very supportive of DCFS, I worry greatly about what would happen to my family. Simply put, I've seen a good family destroyed because a worker made an error. I spent a good part of the night worried about CPS. I mean we are talking about a bone injury in a non-mobile infant. I was just hoping no one decided to doubt what happened, because accidents do happen. Also thankfully, a lady from the neighborhood was over when the incident happened, so we have a non family witness, who also happened to be sitting on the collapsed bench.

The nurse comes in and puts the iv in. She gets the blood they needed. She got the IV in with one poke. We go for x-rays. The ladies were none too nice. Simply put, they asked me to wait outside. As I had said to my mom and to the nurse, I've been through worse with the NICU, I'm staying put. This is something that I have committed to myself from the NICU experience, something I learned. I am there for my daughter. At the doctor's office, the gave me a lead apron to wear, and asked me to hold Sydney's hands. At the hospital, I was not given an apron and they did not even speak to me after I refused to leave the room. I believe that even though Sydney was screaming, having me there to whisper to her and stroke her head was comforting. I hope it was. I don't want to get in the staff's way, but I'm her mom. They can do the procedures, I'll love. From being in the NICU, I've observed that when staff is doing a procedure that is their focus. They usually don't say nice things until they are done. That is why I want to be there, to comfort her while they do their job. I see this as they do their job as nurses, I'll do mine as mom.

After the blood tests come back perfectly normal and the x rays come back fine, the doctor recommends that Sydney have a bone scan. They can't do this at night, and we have to call in the am to schedule this. Because this involves injections, they leave the hep-lock from the IV in. I have been taking care of this. Sydney started to chew on the IV, she chews on everything, so I put a little bootie over her hand. It is the blue one she is wearing. She now chews on the blue head, and quite likes the rattle on her hand. She has not fought with it too much. We finally were discharged at 2:45 am. We were all so very tired.

It has been so hard going through this. It is bringing up emotions from the NICU. Medical issues, fear issues, CPS/social work issues, control issues, my mom issues. It's so hard seeing her cry in pain while procedures are done to her again. Seems she now recognizes syringes, as she started crying when she saw the nurse setting things up. Poor baby. It has also been sad when I hurt her. We have been holding and moving her with great care, but sometimes I bump her leg. She also screams when placed in her car seat, and if I'm not very careful when I change her diaper. She is so very active with her limbs, and her little left leg just sits there. She has it bent at the knee, almost tucked under. She may be happy and kicking with her right leg, but not her left. At her bath tonight, Vince held her arm, I bathed. She did the splashing with her feet that I've taught her, but only with her right leg. She does move her left leg, just not nearly as much.

So we go back to the hotel Primarys tomorrow for the bone scan. I can't nurse her after 8 am until after her procedure is finished and she wakes up, so I'll have to pump. She will be so unhappy. They said we can give her pedialyte in her bottle until 10 am. I've never given her anything but breast milk via bottle, so I have no idea how she will take to it. My mom is going with me as Vince has a final.

I called my boss about needing time off. Thankfully he was wonderful. I told him he could call if he needed anything but he reminded me that I no longer work next door (DCFS) and that they'll handle anything. It was so nice to have my boss worried about me and my baby not the work and being upset because she has to do something. Sydney's day care provider has called a couple of times very worried as well.

Sorry for the long post. It just flowed out of me.

My day

Here is how my day has gone so far.

1. It's about 10 degrees here. What happens when it gets super cold? Car batteries go kaput? Yup you guessed it. Oh what fun that is in the very cold, weather report said it was 11 degrees, a crying baby and a jumper cables. DH was at school.
2. I've been busy all morning. I'm about to explode. I sit down to pump. Guess what? No power I left the @#$#^# thing at home. Because it's freezing cold here, get all bundled up and go to convienence store for batteries. Pay highway robbery for 8AA's.
3. While pumping, someone comes by wanting to chat. I cover up and chat while trying to not squirt her.
4. DH had to go for an ass chewing at ROTC. Have not heard what happened.
5. Dh washed his cell phone. My bid for a great cell phone on ebay got sniped by a 0 feedback moron, brand new ebay jerk, I mean member, with no intention to pay. He outbid everyone on all of the seller's auctions. Means I have to wait until Sunday to get this purchased.
6. Sydney gets about 6 immunizations this afternoon. So I will have to deal with a very cranky baby for the next couple of days.
7. I need to buy a new formal top for 2 formal dinners this weekend. No time or money.
8. I am trying to stockpile breast milk. Problem is I am barely getting enough to cover her day care feedings. I estimate I need 4 ounces for tomorrow evening when MIL watches DD because I have to work late, 8 ounces for when sister watches DD from about 6-10 on Friday, and at least 12 ounces for when my mom (sigh) watches DD from 2:30 to 11ish on Saturday. Pressure and stress. My Stash from the NICU days is gone, gone, gone.
9. The computer program we use is down. Can't do my work.
10. I have to go to training the next 2 days with a training nazi. For some dumb reason, while all other state trainings go from 9-4, hers go from 8-5. Oh, I love driving to Salt Lake in the traffic.
    

So that's where I am today.

Quiet

I've been quiet lately. Sorry. I have been editing and posting videos on my You-Tube site located here for a shameless plug.....youtube.com/intorainbowz .

It's been a quiet time for me. Vince's grandmother died last Thursday. I loved her. She was always so very kind to me. She was a great buffer between me and MIL when MIL went bonkers when Sydney was born.


This is MIL and Abuela and Sydney.


This is MIL, DH, Abuela, and Sydney.


She had been ill for some time, and was ready to go. I still miss her, and actually have a hard time believing she is dead, even though I saw her body, and watched her casket be lowered into the ground.

Unfortunately, as happens in my family and I'm sure yours too, a death, same as a birth, is a time for every one to go a little crazy. Vince's aunt went off her meds, police had to be called more than once. After the Rosary was said at the viewing, she decided to make a speech, basically blasting MIL. MIL has been the only child of Abuela's to actually care for her and meet her needs. Like I told my SIL married to my brother, take your crazy family member and add booze.

It is weird for me. As so much of the rituals of her death were different than I am used to, I barely felt I was at a funeral. I'm LDS, she is Catholic. The funeral was a mass, very different than a Mormon funeral. The songs, the prayers, the rituals were different and foreign to me.

Sydney loved the stained glass windows and the smell of the frankinse and myrrh that they used in the incense, and thought mass was great. My mom came and held her most of the service. It was nice that my mom could stand in place and sway Sydney. I was uncomfortable, as this is not my faith, and other than knowing to say "and also with you" after the priest says "Peace be with you" and "Lord hear our prayer" after "Let us pray to the Lord." the rituals and meanings behind those rituals are unknown to me. I also know that the "sign of Peace" means shake every-one's hand around you. (I learned this at a wedding in Mexico where I was separated from the host family, and had absolutely no clue about what was going on both as a non-Catholic and a non-Spanish speaker. Carmen leaned across the isle and hissed at me "It's the sign of peace and you are being rude." as I was standing there looking funny. ) I did not know when to stand and sit. And (snark warning) the Catholics seated in front of me had as much idea as the 3 Mormons sitting on my pew when to stand and sit. The Priest had to use his hands to direct us.

No offense to any Catholics reading this, but I would be a very bad Catholic. In the LDS church, the sacrament consists of bread and water. The water is poured into little paper or plastic one time use cups. Catholics use one communal cup. That just grosses me out, the whole sharing of the cup by multiple people I don't know. Maybe had I been raised with this as a normal custom, I would be ok with it, but the germaphobe in my says no. (After the sign of peace, Vince got out the Purell.)

I did not go to the gathering after the funeral. It was at Abuela's home. I would have liked to go, but I knew there would be a lot of smoking going on there. Some of the Aunts were a bit disappointed that Sydney would not be there. They asked why. I simply stated "There will be smoking there, and she cannot be around cigarette smoke." MIL told me that at the home, they said I was rude and judgemental. Thankfully MIL stood up for me, and said that babies should not be around cigarette smoke and any moron knows that. (HAHAHA she was much ruder than I.) There was another baby there, and Vince said at one point there were 4 lit cigarettes around her. When Vince came home, he stunk WORSE than when we used to go gambling in a casino. REALLY. His suit had to go to the cleaners, and he had to shower. He said that there was underage drinking going on as well. He felt like he was caught between his family and that he is a sworn police officer (albeit very part time.) I might have felt the need to call the police, and told him so. Other than a sip at New Years, I have no tolerance for underage drinking, especially when the uncle gives teenagers beers. No not sips, their own beer. I don't understand how a family get together to honor Abuela turns into a kegger.

Anyway, I got off topic. I will miss Abuela. I always meant to get her rice recipe, and now it is gone.