Random thoughts

I have several different topics to cover, so bear with me.

I am VERY stressed right now. I've taken to wearing my teeth grinding guard during the day because the grinding and clenching is so bad.

It is stressful having Vince leave. His job is giving him the run around. I'm worried he does not have time to prepare.

Work is boring.

2 co-workers are pregnant. 5 and 6 weeks. Today they were having a conversation about births etc, and I'd say something and I got told that's because your birth was weird, your pregnancy was bad, etc. I really felt out of place, like if I told my experience, I was cursing them or something. I excused myself and went and cried in my office because of how out of place I felt, and how robbed of what they had I felt, and how unvalidated my experiences were. And I would normally call one of these women a friend.

My mom and my sister had another blow out today. My brother the pious and I am trying to give them some space, so I offered to let her come live with me after Vince leaves. She can go live with him in the mean time. My mom took this to us trying to split up the family and taking my sister's side. What we are trying to do is to not take sides, but recognize that all this constant fighting is really bad for both of them and give them some space to calm down and remember that they love each other. Mom called me tonight and yelled at me, saying we were letting my sister off easy. Problem is I can see thought my mother's controlling behaviors. She has also conveniently forgotten all the crap my brother and I pulled and making us out to be perfect teenagers and we were not. Trust me. She thinks them being at each other's throats constantly is healthier than them getting some space. She did this with my dad. She did this with my brother. They fought constantly. For years. Because that was better than a divorce.

I'm not saying that my sister is blameless here by far, but ALL the problems are my sisters, NONE are my mother's. I'm sure she is struggling with the fact her baby is 18 and trying to be independent and making mistakes at it, but my mom is really doing this the wrong way. It is so bad, that if my sister was under 18, I'd be calling DCFS.

I'm stuck in a hard spot. I want to help my sister, but don't really want my mom to come after me. I don't need that too. She started in on my this evening, but thankfully got an ambulance call. I don't want to take sides. She used to have me try to take sides between her and my dad, and I won't do it any more between her and anyone, and it makes her SO mad, then she comes after me. Happened several times when I lived there, which is reason 1 I won't go live there again. You just can't talk to her when she gets like this. If you don't agree with her, than you are attaching her. I mentioned that getting them some space would end the power struggle between her and my sister, and she yelled there was none, if my sister would just follow her rules.

My mom is very good at twisting things.

My mom REALLY ticked me off. She used Sydney as pawn. She told my sister that she was going to tell me she was too irresponsible to watch Sydney and that I would not let her care for Sydney. I've tried really hard to stay neutral in their war. I've tried really hard to be supportive, but she just drew my innocent baby into her battle. NOT OK. I (and Vince) DECIDE WHO SEES SYDNEY, NOT HER. SHE IS NOT SYDNEY'S PARENT, AND I WILL NOT LET HER ACT LIKE SHE IS. You all know how much I don't like my MIL, but I've never blocked her seeing Sydney. I might mock her dirty floors after we go, but at least we went.

Honestly, I think my mom needs meds and some heavy therapy. I've gently tried to address this with her, but been rebuffed. I spent almost 2 years in therapy dealing with her crap, and I won't go back to my old patterns which makes her so mad. I won't be the scapegoat. I REFUSE to try to social work my family. She tried to have me do marriage therapy between her and my dad, and it has haunted me. I won't do that. I'll suggest that she and my sister need therapy, but it will get thrown back in my face.

My brothers and I are out of her grasp. One brother barely has anything to do with us. One does, but constantly ticks my mother off because its not what she wants. I try to stay away from her when she is like this. I try to do things on my own terms, but know I cave to her more than I should.

Syd is sleeping better. She sleeps from about 11 to 7:30. She is sleeping with me, but at least she is sleeping. I have to keep her up which can be a challenge, but at least this is an improvement.

Is she crazy?

Dh's leaving for about 6 months of military training. This is because of his recent promotion and is a good thing.

Some points to think about.

1. Work and Day care are within 10 minutes from my house.
2. My mom lives 45 minutes away.
3. She wants me to let my rental house go, store all my stuff, get rid of my cats, and move in with her.
4. I'd basically moved in with her right after DD came home and DH left for 6 weeks of training. It was HELL. Pure and simple Hell. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. My mom is a controlling gal.
6. I'd save about 900 a month in rent, utilities, etc.
7. I'd have to rent a storage unit, change our insurance policies, etc.
8. My commute would more than triple. The IRS puts mileage at 48.5 cents per mile. Last time I did this commute, I averaged 80 miles a day. 80*.485*25= 470.45 a month. (18.18 A DAY!!!!!)
9. Rent on a storage unit would likely be about 200 a month.
10. I'd have to rehome my cats. While I have one I would like to rehome (he is a loveable pest) I'd hate to rehome all of them.
11. Last time I crashed in her room. I had no closet space. I had no TV as she does not have cable. I got when are you coming home? When will you be back? Why do you spend $3 on a half a gallon of organic milk? It was not home.
12. I had to keep neat and orderly at all times.... my mom's rules. She insists on communal laundry doing, and got mad that I was not interested in particpating. I wanted to do my own laundry, not the whole house holds.
13. When things got bad, and they did, it was ALL my fault. Why? Because I'm the scapgoat in my family, and because I was disrupting thier routine. Well I have my own routine, TUVM.
14. My mom is a morning person. I'm not a morning person AT ALL.

Just looking at the math here.... I'd save about $200 a month. HA. Go through hell for $200 a month. Not likely. Last time I did not have a day care provider for Syd, and I wanted to keep her out of day care since she just got home. This time I have an excellent provider for Syd, and have no problems with her being in day care. I'd spend at least that in retail therapy, and I did last time, why? Because I was left alone in the stores. Then I'd get the 3rd degree when I came home with purchases.

I love my mom, and I'm working on redefining my relationship with her. I do really good dealing with her controlling crap from 30 miles away. I don't do so good at that living with her. I am not a child, yet it seemed I was expected to be one. I'm grateful for the offer, and fully plan on leaving Syd with them for a weekend when I fly and visit Vince.

She said to me that she does not know if I could handle being a single mother. Lovely vote of confidence there. NICE, really NICE. Sure I'm not the greatest house keeper on the planet, but a couple of friends have offered to help me organize and get things de-cluttered. How about she offers to come help me with deep cleaning and no commentary? How about she picks Syd up and goes to my house so I don't have to drive the round trip to her home so I can go grocery shopping? How about she offer help me some way I want help, not what she thinks is best?

I don't wanna move. 6 Months with my mom? She must be joking.

I am a bad mom

Just thought I'd post that.

I'm really struggling here. Vince is under huge ROTC stress and hates his graveyard shify job.

Sydney is on a very screwed up sleep cycle. She thinks playtime starts at 1. Now this would be ok if I did not have to go to work, but I do.

Last night I got so little sleep, I'm a zombie. When Vince comes back from PT he is taking her to day care and I'm calling in sick. I'll go in at about 1. I'm dead tired now and very close to loosing it with Sydney.

She is currently downstairs watching TV.

I totally suck as a mom. If she won't nurse to sleep I don't know how to put her to sleep, a fact my mom made clear yesterday.

With Vince and Syd I feel like I give and give and give and am getting little back from Vince. Syd gives with her happy laughs and smiles.

I'm burned out at ROTC. I want to scream whenever Vince mentions it. He needs to process I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I WANT TO TELL HIM TO STFU and NEVER MENTION HIS COMMANDER OR THAT DAMN PROGRAM AGAIN. This ends Wednesday one way or the other. I'll be glad for Vince's anxiety to come down to the point where he can maybe rejoin the labor force in our home. I'm just DONE. IF he gets a comission, I have to go play nice to those assholes on Friday. Joy.

She is crying right now, and I CAN'T go. I'm in control now, but I'm close to losing it. I want her to go to sleep damn it. I can REALLY easily see how child abuse happens when parents get to the end of their rope. I've done nothing but I've sure thought of it.

Tomorrow we start her sleeping in a crib. I'm getting the pack and play out of my car as well so I have somewhere to put her that she can't escape. I love her so much I don't want anything to happen, but I am done.

I'm to the point where we will be doing CIO. I hate it but I need her to go to sleep and stay that way. I love her so much. I'm so torn. The crap at the so called mothering website I chill at is no help. Most mothers post like me. I'm so tired blah blah blah. Yeah, I'm tired and I'm done being a martyr for a cause. I need sleep.

Taken

Note: Others have chosen to not talk about this directly. I am choosing to post this in all it's awfulness, not to give the scammer any more attention, but to alert others.

You know, I've never really understood scaming someone for emotional attention.

My brother the Pious and his wife who I like much more than my brother are waiting to adopt got emotionally scammed. They have a profile online and a lady contacted them, saying that she chose them to adopt her twins. They never met in person as the lady lived in New York, and the lady refused to go into the local office of the agency that Bro and SIL are using. She never asked them for money, and they never sent any, but she strung them along promising them that they could adopt her twins. She kept having crisis after crisis. People kept dying on her. My SIL spent hours on the phone and online with her, talking her through these crisis.

Then she was supposed to have the babies on Tuesday, then Thursday, then Saturday... She said she was over due with twins, and the OB was just waiting. I don't buy that and neither did my SIL. My SIL asked for proof that she actually was pregnant, and the lady disappeared.

SIL handled this quite well. Bro got nasty. They were both very hurt.

I felt for them, but thought that since I was not waiting to adopt, I was immune from this type of scamming.

I was wrong.

I hang out online at Mothering.com discussion boards. There was a posted who went by the handle Acamile14. She claimed that her name was Amber Camilleri, and that she was the mother of Sierra Louise Camilleri, a baby born at 26 weeks gestation. She also claimed that she was the wife of a officer in the army, named Ian.

She also had a livejournal page, but that has been taken down.

Again it was similar things. Lots of drama. Lots of very crisis. Sierra "went" through such medical trauma and procedures. If you questioned her at all on the main thread where she hung out, she flipped out, and threatened to leave. So we would all rush to apologize to her as no one wanted to hurt a NICU mom's feelings, not when her baby had to have dialysis. One time while chatting with her, I attempted to gently broach hospice care and to talk to her about her thoughts on that. She abruptly cut me off, and "yelled" at me asking why I wanted to kill Sierra. I was simply trying to see what options they had talked about, and to give her a safe place if she wanted to talk about ending treatment. The way she described her daughter's condition, Sierra was near death every day. "Amber" even concocted another user name "Luceegoose" to have a premature baby in the same hospital as her baby was in, so there was someone who had seen her and Sierra in the hospital.

Boy this lady was good. She had all sorts of stories. The baby was coding. She ended up spending the weekend in the hospital for dehydration. She goes home for the first time in months and the house is a disaster. She is so upset because she cannot see the baby. She was staying at the Ronald McDonald house. She was pumping. She had a neo she called Dr. Doom, whom she fired. She had a respiratory therapist that she hated and fired.

She lied, all lies.

I had this posted to my blog last Tuesday, it was the first clue something was wrong. I should have known something was fishy, but I fell for the whole story hook, line and sinker....

The person claiming to be the mom of a preemie named Sierra Louise is a fraud. She (or he) has been stealing photos of my daughter (born at 25 weeks gestation in Aug. 0f 2005) and posting them all over the Internet, claiming they are of her daughter. I'm working on taking action against this person, but in the meantime, you can visit my website (which has been up and running since the summer of 2005). I think you'll recognize the child in the photos: www.kristinaseleshanko.com/baby.htm

I don't know why sick people do stuff like this; it makes me cry and shake with anger that someone would take photos of my dear girl when she was in such a vulnerable and sick state and use them for their own weird desires.

Kristina Seleshanko

I clicked on the link. I remembered seeing this page when I was looking for information on preemies before I had Sydney. I felt like the world had stopped spinning. When I saw the identical photos, I was shocked and ill.

The rumour is that they were going to let "Sierra" go later that week. She had also told us that her DH was being deployed to Iraq, and had just gotten orders. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Screenshot from the now defunct Livejournal site... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v249/cerulean_me/sierrascreencap.jpg
Link to original picture http://www.kristinaseleshanko.com/9-18-05Photos.htm

It turns out that "Amber" was also on the c2pp.com board, scamming there. She has been banned from C2PP and mothering.com.

I later got this information on a message...

This is from another user who asked that I pass it along:The email of the woman
who's identity she stole is camillerip@apsu.edu. Phyils A Camilleri who is a professor at Austin Pea State univeristy. The IP address she has been posting from is an APSU IP address. Phyils is not Amber. However, she does have a suspicion of the student she thinks did it. Please email camillerip@apsu.edu and tell her what happened along with any links and pictures you may have.

These will be forwarded to the campus police. Also tell her if you sent "Amber" any gifts or money and what address you sent them to. Send this out to everyone.

See this is more than someone stealing pictures, and identity, and stories. I realized as I typed the part where she was so upset that she could not see Sierra, she could have very well stolen that from my blog. Amber asked for and got donations. She hinted she needed gas money, and it was sent. People shipped her goodies, gifts, gift cards, blankets. I was about to take up a collection to hire a maid to get her house deep cleaned.

The only thing toping this scam is the woman who claimed her DH was KIA on a military wives BB. That was bad.

She went and stole pictures of our babies when they were at their weakest. She stole our stories when we were most vulnerable. I'm so very angry and disgusted. It is despicable what she did.

She knew how to hit sympathy buttons. Military family, critically ill baby, overwhelmed mother. Bingo, donations out the wazoo.

Thankfully I am not out any money. I am out time and emotions. I prayed for this family. I put their name on the temple rolls for crying out loud. I spent hours chatting with her, talking her through a crisis. I neglected DH, DD, and my job so she could get her jollies. I'll never get that time back. I'll never get that energy back. I'll never be so trusting again.

Another concern I have is that people will start to suspect me for being a fraud. I'm not. I really had a preemie daughter. I really have a military husband. These are my true stories. These are MY stories, and not up for grabs by any psycho who wants to be disgusting.

Changes in comment policy

You may or may not have noticed that I have changed the comment policy on my blog.

I'm sorry, but you will now have to be a member of the blogger community and log on to comment. You will have to sign your user name.

I don't want to do this, but my blog was just hit with a very nasty comment, left anon of course.

It's attached to my Senseless Horror post.

I have no problems with disagreement. I have a problem with people leaving spiteful and hurtful comments and me not have a way to respond to them. I can't go email you. I can't even go leave a nasty message on their blog.

I'm a big believer in accountability. I ALWAYS sign my name, or post that I'm too lazy to sign in, on people who have not switched to the new blogger, and post my user name there.

BTW, to the person who posted that hurtful message. I'm so glad that you are perfect. I would rather not be homeless and hungry. I work so we have a home, food and health insurance. Are you a perfect parent? I work because I can, and I will not apologize for enjoying my work. I went to college so I could get a good job where my labor matters. I'd love to be a SAHM, but that is not in the cards right now, and frankly I'm not ever sure it will be. I REFUSE to become my mom, 50 something with NO retirement. I'm vested in my employers pension with over 5 figures in my 401K. Anon poster, what are your plans for the future?

I do care for my miracle daughter. I do love her. So what if I work? Do you judge my husband for going to college?

I'm not gross. I'm stuck between being self-sufficient or being on welfare. As an educated able bodied American, I chose to go to work and earn a living, not suck off the system. Anonymous poster.... Are you one of those family's with a SAHM who is on food stamps, housing assistance, getting food from the food bank, getting aid from the church when both parents have the ability to be gainfully employed and self supporting but you stay home rather than go to work to take care of your own family and prove a point? Did daddy write you a big check? Do you work? Not everyone can make it on one income. Not everyone can stay home.

Anon poster, you are an ass. If you are going to post something like that, be an adult and sign your name. Thanks for posting that, you coward who does not feel the need to identify yourself.

I love my daughter very much. My going to work provides for her physical needs. If I stayed home, I would be very irresponsible and stressed out, as I'd have NO money. I'm the breadwinner. Thanks for the drive by shooting.

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY LOVE FOR MY DAUGHTER??? I'm well aware there is a loud mouthed talk show host who shall not be named because she spreads hate who states day care is abusive and that WOHM's are evil. I'm not evil. DD is NOT abused at her day care. Real life is more than a 30 second phone call where the host passes judgement and hate based on the little information she allows the caller to give.

Who do you think you are to post something a nasty as that on my space? Who appointed you judge of my parenting skills based on ONE aspect of how I mother, my working out of the home?

My husband also wants me to let you know that he thinks you're an ass and a coward.

Anon poster.... If you wish to discuss this further, please have the intestinal fortitude and sign your name.

Oh, BTW, most of my know readers are women who are employed. Most work out of the home. I think, anon poster, you wandered into the hornets nest when you chose this blog to post your spite.

More on home birthing

Today that bill passed out of committee

I found The Senate Site (The unfofficial voice of the Utah majority) where there is an interview with Sen. Dayton about the proposed midwife restrictions. I posted this comment...

I too am outraged at this bill. I am the mom to a baby girl born at 34 weeks, weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, by C-section.
I believe in freedom, less government, and less regulation.

I am amazed that because of conditions specific to that pregnancy I will not be able to home birth. Even if my next pregnancy were to be determined to be a healthy and normal pregnancy, I would not be allowed to home birth as I have a prior c-section, premature birth, and a small baby.

For the record, I would never choose a homebirth for myself, however I am a strong supporter of those who wish to birth at home. I want my daughter to have the ability to chose where she wants to birth, at her home or at the hospital. I also want her to be able to have a trained attendant at that birth, and I feel that this bill will make midwifery so restricted a woman will have to chose between birthing unassisted or birthing in a hospital.

I listened to the interview with Sen. Dayton. She makes the point that family doctors have guidelines on when to refer/consult HOWEVER this is not written into Utah State statute. These guidelines are set as she stated by governing bodies over the doctors. Is this bill the start of turning all governing bodies rules into law? In the future will my OB next have to refer me to a specialist solely because they law requires her too?

I am opposed to this bill as I feel it is one more regulation over the citizens of Utah. I want less government intrusion into my life not more. The original bill created lawful requirements for being a midwife. I fully believe that trained and educated people can make the correct decision. Some of the proposed restrictions on home birth are currently blocked by the DOH rules over midwives.

There are many situations where a home birth would be irresponsible, and I feel the DOH and DOPL rules do a fine job of covering these. It appears to me that the guidelines make nearly all pregnancies "not normal". One of the beliefs of midwifery is that pregnancy is a normal process not an illness or disease. I took an informal poll in my office, all the women would have been risked out of home birthing at some point because of a condition which arose in their pregnancies, mainly the upper weight at birth.

I feel this bill is unneeded and intrusive.

The tale of the bathroom sinks at work.

So, there is a bathroom here at work.

And the bathroom has two sinks in it.

Whomever selected the sinks did not purchase faucets which match, meaning the the angle at which the faucet sends out the water and the way the water meets the sink usually causes the user to get soaked. They also selected those automatic faucets, which while I the germaphobe, appreciate the lack of touching, the user has no control of water speed, flow or temperature. While there is hot water service to the building, I don't know where it goes, because it does not get to the bathroom faucets. The water is usually freezing, and used to come out with a lot of pressure and force.

Someone decided to "fix" this. Now one faucet comes out slower, but with so little pressure that the faucet is like drip, drip, drip. It is nearly impossible to get enough water pressure to hose the soap bubbles off of your hands. The other faucet also has low flow, but because of some trick of nature, comes out with a lot of speed and pressure, meaning that it feels like little needles are being shot into your skin. Not a pleasant feeling. On the plus side, your clothing no longer gets soaked.

With all the resources available to my very large employer, is it impossible to have a happy medium? I would like a faucet where it neither soaks my shirt nor feels like the water is cutting my skin.

That's all for today. Nothing earth shattering, I'm afraid.

What more do you want from the mother of a teething baby who decided that night time is the best time to express her unhappiness about that?

Utah attempting to gut Lay Midwife law.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_5166202

Orem Republican Sen. Margaret Dayton, one of the most vocal opponents of legislation adopted in 2005 that allowed midwives to legally deliver babies at home, is sponsoring a bill intended to define a "normal pregnancy." ... Dayton was a labor and delivery nurse for five years. And her husband is a retired obstetrician. She says she took her list from a doctor's list of "high-risk" pregnancies.

Bill is located at http://le.utah.gov/~2007/bills/sbillint/sb0243.htm

Here is a jewel of a quote from Sen. Dayton

"People should have the choice: from the highest-end obstetrician to staying home alone in the dark in the bathroom. All the choices are not equal," said Dayton, who introduced her bill Monday. "We need to go back and make some definition of what we have granted."

The direct entry bill finally allowed something BETWEEN high end OB care and being alone in the bathroom. The quote just shows this Senator's anti-home birth bias loud and clear. There are very definitive rules listed by DOPL, and this is an attempt to make rules law, and to expand the restrictions. Current rules, not law, are listed here. Current law is here.

What will risk a woman out?

From the proposed bill

(iv) excludes from the practice of Direct-entry midwifery a pregnancy that involves:
(A) pulmonary disease, renal disease, chronic or active hepatic disease, endocrine disease, neurological disease, a significant autoimmune disease, GBS disease, or isoimmunization;
(B) deep vein thrombosis or pulmonary embolus;
(C) a significant hematological disorder or coagulopathy;
(D) hypertension;
(E) diabetes mellitus;
(F) a family history of a serious genetic disorder that may affect the current pregnancy;
(G) a history of neonatal infection, cerclage or incompetent cervix, an infant below 2,500 grams or above 4,000 grams, a preterm birth of 36 weeks or less, postpartum hemorrhage requiring transfusion, three or more consecutive miscarriages, a miscarriage after 14 weeks, or a stillborn;
(H) a prior myomectomy, hysterotomy, or c-section;
(I) current drug addition or abuse;
(J) positive HIV antibody or AIDS;
(K) any condition, disease, or illness that would disqualify a certified nurse midwife, licensed under Chapter 44a, Nurse Midwife Practice Act, from delivering a child without assistance under the protocols of two or more general acute hospitals in Utah; or
(L) any other condition that may present an unreasonable risk of harm to a
pregnant woman or unborn child.

I've bolded things which would risk me out, even with a healthy pregnancy. I actually would have been risked out from the begining of my first pregnancy as I had prior uterine surgery.


While I have NO desire to VBAC, I'm incensed that a prior c/s alone is cause to risk one out of midwife care. I'm also angry that just because I had one high risk pregnancy, that reason alone risks me out of midwife care, even if my current pregnancy is going fine. And even though my sister may have had a problem that does not mean I will. The "any condition" is so vauge to make it impossible for a DEM to determine if she can actually see this client and maintain her license.

Utah Midwives Association Outgoing President Tara Tulley said Dayton's bill
would end up requiring 96 percent of the midwives' clients to go to a doctor or
certified nurse midwife, effectively ending home delivery. "They're trying to
eliminate our practice," Tulley said.

and

But Utah Midwives Association President Jules Johnston said Dayton has gone
overboard. "If they sneeze, they're risked out."

The article says that there were 96 hb, with 9 transfers and 2 c/s. That is a transfer rate of 9% and a 2% c/s rate. There is no mention in the article of any complications during the transfers or any one case which would cause this representive to propose this, other than her husband's prior occupation and her opposition to the law which allowed direct entry midwives anyway, which allowed women to home birth in Utah with help.

Reports on Utah home birth stats are http://www.dopl.utah.gov/licensing/de_midwife_outcomes.pdf and http://health.utah.gov/opha/publications/hsu/06Dec_HomeBirth.pdf

Unsolicited Parenting advice

Why is it that people seem to have the need to give unsolicited parenting advice? Am I doing such a bad job that I scream I need help with this? Is there a sign I can't see saying that I'm such a bad mom my baby is about to die?

I think I'm doing a good job at this. Sydney's pediatrician tells us how good she looks. R, Sydney's day care provider, tells me how happy and well adjusted my baby is. Sydney wears clean clothing appropriate for the weather, has had a bath within the last 48 hours (every day dries out her skin), always rides in her car seat. Her cries are attended to in a fairly quick manner, I breast feed her at will, we read to her daily, we have her involved in our daily lives, etc. She is growing, gaining weight, developing, is happy, has bright inquisitive eyes, and is very loved. I think she is doing fine.

HOWEVER, because I can't seem to get her to sleep in her own bed, you would think I'm the world's worse mom, EVER. My mom thinks I should get Ferber and let her cry it out. Frankly, no judgement on anyone who did this, I think CIO is bad, bad, bad. My MIL thinks I should play her Mozart and that will help her sleep in her own bed. I can't hear her cry and not do something about it. Great one more thing I should be doing that I'm not. Sydney listens to classical music when I'm in the mood for it while we drive. Sometimes we listen to Shakira or the Black Eyed Peas. Sometimes we listen to talk radio. Sometimes I just listen to her talk. Johnny Cash has a very calming effect on her, so we listen to the man in black on a fairly regular basis. She's been exposed to Elvis, Kenny Rogers, Celine Dion, Usher and all the other eclectic mix which resides on my Ipod. There is plenty of Mozart, Beethoven, Handel, and Vivaldi on there. I believe there are 4 or 5 MoTab cd's on there. So now because I don't listen to Mozart 24/7, I'm sorta neglectful, or as my MIL said "she should listen to more of that. I'll get you a CD." No please don't get me a CD because I have versions I like and get uppity when something like Beethoven's majestic 9th symphony is performed badly. Music snob yes I am.

I'm not going around wearing a sign saying "We co-sleep and I'm begging for advice from anyone and everyone." I really try to keep it on the down low that this is going on. It seems that EVERYONE thinks that how the baby sleeps is a good judge of how you mother, so it seems everyone asks about this. I try to hem and haw about this, but no, she does not sleep though the night. The only way I know how to get Sydney to sleep is to nurse her to sleep. She like to nurse on and off during the night. I don't have a problem with this. I'm away from her all day, I think having her next to me all night is a good way to reconnect and bond with her. Plus she has gotten good at finding my nipple without my help, so sometimes I don't even have to wake up. It feels very nice to know she is right next to me, just fine.

I just want to scream "If this is a problem for you, do what works for your family. This is what is working for mine, and I don't need any help with it. "

All this advice makes me question how I'm mothering. It makes me worry that I am doing something wrong. I am trying to go with the flow and follow Sydney's lead. We do what is working for us. This advice makes me wonder if they think I'm doing a bad job, and it leads me to question my mothering skills. There is so much to worry about as a mother. I just wish my mom or MIL would tell me they think I'm doing a good job at this. All this "advice" leads me to think they believe I'm not doing a good job.

Not on my Blog

I have a damn ad for formula on my blog.

I hope I got it blocked.

If you see one, please email me at intorainbowz at hotmaildotcom. Right click on the ad link , copy target or link location, and paste that into your email. I have the ad blocked.

Not like anyone clicks on the ads, I've had 2 clicks the entire time they have been there.

It just ticked this lactivist off to come on here and find an ad for formula. GRRRRR

I KNOW there are women who must formula feed, please don't be offended by my next statement, K?

There are so many things in common between the formula companies and the tobacco industry it is scary. These companies actively sabotage nursing the world over. Babies die because they are not nursed. Formula is recalled. Water is bad in Africa. Our government is very bad at catering to the formula industry. I firmly believe those in power are putting profits over babies.

I'll never vote for Mitt Romney. Massachusetts had banned the bags given to mother's leaving the hospitals. He overturned that ban. Those bags are not given out because formula companies are nice, they want customers. They know that if they get a baby onto formula, mom will lose her milk, then they have a client for a year or so. EVEN if there is no formula in the bag, mothers will select that brand of formula if they switch. I'm too lazy to find the link for that. Those bags are an active tool in sabotaging a brand new nursing relationship.


No violating the WHO Code of Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes on MY blog, thank you very much.

My day

Here is how my day has gone so far.

1. It's about 10 degrees here. What happens when it gets super cold? Car batteries go kaput? Yup you guessed it. Oh what fun that is in the very cold, weather report said it was 11 degrees, a crying baby and a jumper cables. DH was at school.
2. I've been busy all morning. I'm about to explode. I sit down to pump. Guess what? No power I left the @#$#^# thing at home. Because it's freezing cold here, get all bundled up and go to convienence store for batteries. Pay highway robbery for 8AA's.
3. While pumping, someone comes by wanting to chat. I cover up and chat while trying to not squirt her.
4. DH had to go for an ass chewing at ROTC. Have not heard what happened.
5. Dh washed his cell phone. My bid for a great cell phone on ebay got sniped by a 0 feedback moron, brand new ebay jerk, I mean member, with no intention to pay. He outbid everyone on all of the seller's auctions. Means I have to wait until Sunday to get this purchased.
6. Sydney gets about 6 immunizations this afternoon. So I will have to deal with a very cranky baby for the next couple of days.
7. I need to buy a new formal top for 2 formal dinners this weekend. No time or money.
8. I am trying to stockpile breast milk. Problem is I am barely getting enough to cover her day care feedings. I estimate I need 4 ounces for tomorrow evening when MIL watches DD because I have to work late, 8 ounces for when sister watches DD from about 6-10 on Friday, and at least 12 ounces for when my mom (sigh) watches DD from 2:30 to 11ish on Saturday. Pressure and stress. My Stash from the NICU days is gone, gone, gone.
9. The computer program we use is down. Can't do my work.
10. I have to go to training the next 2 days with a training nazi. For some dumb reason, while all other state trainings go from 9-4, hers go from 8-5. Oh, I love driving to Salt Lake in the traffic.
    

So that's where I am today.

Letter to Kerry

Faith wants to know what I think of John Kerry's comment:

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq."

Senator Kerry, I want my vote back. Not that I would vote for Bush, but I could vote for Nader again...

Say what you want about Bush. Say what you want about Rummy. Say what you want about the failed policies of this administration. My belief to you, Senator, please leave our troops out of this.

What a way to insult the 3,068 coalition soldiers who have died in Iraq since this began. Those numbers include 2,829 Americans, two Australians, 120 Britons, 13 Bulgarians, six Danes, two Dutch, two Estonians, one Fijian, one Hungarian, 32 Italians, one Kazakh, one Latvian, 17 Poles, two Romanians, five Salvadoran, three Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, two Thai and 18 Ukrainians in the war in Iraq as of November 3, 2006.

I am positive that there are a good many educated souls among that number. They did their homework. They studied hard. They joined the military for various reasons, and went and did their duty. They died honorably.

Frankly Mr. Kerry, I am asking for your resignation. You should no longer be a Senator of our great country. I would like for you to resign, and to renounce any military pension or honors you may have won in Vietnam. I use the term won not earned, because I do not believe you won your Purple Heart.

I don't think you were heckling the President. You know how to do that. I think you were trying to make a statement, that smart people don't end up in the military.

Yes, Mr. Kerry, Smart people do end up in the military. They choose to join. They serve with honor, do their duty, and protect our country so you can say dumb things like what you just said.

Resign. Put some real meaning behind your apology.

Buckets, NIP. and church Oh My!

Reminding readers of my disclaimer... I'm about to get rather outspoken and narrow minded, and opinionated.

Vince and I went to church today. It was nice to get out and be around others. Some things bothered me which I can't really discuss there, but I will here.

What is with all the babies in Buckets? (aka Car Seats). I've got to admit, there are times in which the bucket is nice, like when running quick errands, or when two hands are a necessary. There are also times the bucket is a NEED, like when driving in the car. Then there are times that the bucket is one more thing to carry, like at church.

I'll admit, I've been very proactive at wearing Syd. I wear her in the chest pack at the grocery store, and am seriously considering purchasing a sling or Mei Tai carrier. MIL gave me a carrier that she used, and I wear Syd on my back in it when I make dinner. I carry her when I can, because I want that attachment and bonding with her. I want her close to me, or to some other live human being, not in a bucket. Syd HATES the bucket, and screams EVERY time I strap her in, why would I want to do that over and over. I'll just leave it in the car, thank you very much. I have a nice hand warmer to put in it to keep it warm in the winter. I cover the buckles with a blanket in the summer to keep them cool/

Seriously, I was the only mom with a baby who did not have the bucket. I saw 2 strollers. What is up with that? Both of the moms with the strollers have babies under one. Why do you need a stroller at CHURCH??? I've never even used my stroller. Not kidding. I'm sure at some point it will get use, but I've always worn her. It is easier and safer for me to have her close to me. I can't walk away and leave her if she is strapped to me. When we went to Peach Days, I wore her the whole time. One of the stroller moms was telling Vince he should have me bring the stroller..... I could not help roll my eyes. I just think that babies should be held, and church is a great place to do that. It is so nice to hold a sleeping baby, and someone is always wanting to hold a cute baby if you want a break as a mom.

There is another mom in the ward, a mom whom I visiting teach. Let me say, I don't agree with how she parents. She weaned at 6 weeks because she wanted him to sleep through the night. Her baby boy is about 3 months old. He sleeps all by himself in the living room because he was waking up their other son. When we left from visiting, she left him crying on the couch. When we drove away, she was outside with her husband and older child. I feel so bad for that baby inside crying. This mom barely ever hold her own baby at church, someone else is always holding him and feeding him formula.

It's just weird to me. I NIP (nurse in public) all the time. I NIP whenever Syd wants to eat. Frankly, I'd rather not miss what is going on. I've practiced and feel I'm rather modest when doing this. When I was changing Syd's diaper, another mom came into the mother's room to nurse. She turned her chair all the way around so she was facing the corner and then put a blanket on. Another mother left sacrament meeting, came back 20 minutes later, and I'm guessing she was nursing. I usually don't use a blanket when NIP, but during the hymn Syd was rather distracted, so I used a blanket folded up as a bit of a shield, as she kept popping on and off. I feel the blanket thrown over the shoulder screams "I'm Nursing" and implies there is something to hide.

Nursing is not something to hide. There is no shame with NIP. Nursing should be celebrated, promoted, championed. I'll NIP as my own little demonstration that nursing is best. I NIP because I need to feed my baby. I can NIP and eat a meal, grocery shop, attend church, watch a movie, etc. Basically NIP lets me have a life outside of the home.

My mom told me I could nurse in Relief Society, but not in Sacrament Meeting. When I went to church with her, Syd wanted to nurse during Sacrament. She told me to go to the mother's room. I did. In that church as in mine, it is an alcove off of the bathroom. YUCK. I nursed there while people toileted and flushed and vowed I would never do that again. I told her so as well. She talked about being discrete and thinking of others. I said I am discrete, and that the one I should think the most of is my baby. If others have a problem, they can leave or look away. I might step out into the hall if Syd is being distracted, but otherwise I'll nurse where ever I dang well choose. I nursed at the Jazz game last week, BTW. Utah law states....

76-10-1229.5. Breast Feeding is not Violation of this Part.A woman's breast feeding, including breast feeding in any location where the woman otherwise may rightfully be, does not under any circumstance constitute a violation of this part, irrespective of whether or not the breast is covered during or incidental to feeding.

Oh, and the lesson was on food storage.... no mention of extra supplies for a nursing mom, oh no, but talk on formula and water for that. GRRRRR

I just wish more people would hold their babies and not haul the buckets everywhere they go. It has been hard breaking Vince of this, because that is what everyone else does. I told him he can haul the bucket, I'll carry the baby.

Letter to Weight Watchers

So, since I'm never one to just take no for an answer, at least not the first time I'm told no... I wrote a letter to Weight Watchers. Here it is.

Please forgive the traditional "spin" on the letter. I could not figure out how to include co-habitating/ GLBT and all the other types of families out there into my letter. Also, from my experience with WW, they are a fairly conservitive bunch, and I was trying to plead my case to that audience.

Dear Weight Watchers:

I am writing to request that you consider having an evening or weekend “Wee Ones Welcome (WOW)” meeting at each of your locations, especially the Layton office.

Please allow me to provide you with some background information supporting my request:

According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm) the following information is current to the year 2005:
Working families:
Husband only working: 20.2%
Wife only working: 6.5%
Both Husband and Wife working: 51.3%

Working mothers (Percentages are out of all mothers):
Percent of mothers in the workforce: 70.5%
Married mothers in the workforce: 68.2%
Single mothers in the workforce: 76.1%
Mothers with children less than a year old in the workforce: 53.8%

Charts are available at the above link which provides greater detail to this information.

As you can see from the above referenced information, most mothers are in the workforce. Most mothers of children under one are in the workforce. Most families also have both parents working. More than 75% of single mothers work. However, your only meeting which allows parents to bring their children with them is during the day, at a time at which most people who work are at work. The current WOW meeting accommodates the minority of parents with children, while leaving the majority of parents without a time which is convenient to them. Most parents do not have the ability to leave work to attend a Weight Watchers meeting during the week, leaving them to attend a night or weekend meeting. This means that parents must chose between attending the meeting and spending time with their children. If they are to attend a meeting, they must arrange substitute care for their children. While this may work for married parents in which only one spouse is participating in Weight Watchers, this does not work for either married couples in which both spouses are over weight and wish to participate or single parents.

You may be asking why not have the parents attend different meetings, with the other at home with the baby? 1) This suggestion does not work for single parents. 2) From my past experience with Weight Watchers, the average meeting lasts approximately an hour and a half, from weigh in time to meeting completion, with travel time added to this. It then becomes very likely that a family could be apart for an additional 4 hours each week. If the parents want to attend together, they must arrange care, with the time and expense related to that, or using the good will of family and friends. There is also a large hassle factor in this, and it basically is much easier to stay home and not have to deal with finding child care, coordinating who will attend and who will be home with the child, etc.

As you already know, people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose more weight than people who attempt to lose weight on their own. It would make sense that in a family where a weight loss plan is under way, that a couple would do better if they could attend the sessions together, so they can discuss what they learned as a family.

I can completely understand why most of your meetings are adults only. As I see it, adding an evening or weekend WOW class would add to the market base which Weight Watchers has. This would allow more single and two parent families to participate in your program. This would benefit the participants as they would have the support and guidance from your company, and would benefit your company, as a new member base which is currently underutilized would be available.

In our situation, I was a member over a year ago. I lost 30 pounds, then stopped attending, mostly because the family members I had been attending with stopped going. I then got pregnant, had a baby, and now need to lose baby weight. When I was an active participant in the program, my husband also lost weight, but frankly, I lost more than he did, and was more committed, likely because I had the support of the weekly meetings. We now both want to attend Weight Watchers, and lose the weight we have gained. With our young daughter, unless there is an evening or weekend WOW, we will not be able to attend, and will be forced to decide which one of us can attend when, rather than being able to make this a joint experience.

Earlier this week, I called your 1-800 number asking why there was not a WOW meeting in the evening. The woman stated that usually the baby stays home with the husband. That statement assumes several things, including that there is a husband, and that the husband does not want to participate lose weight. Thank you for considering my request. I would appreciate hearing from you at your earliest convenience. I would appreciate it if my letter is forwarded to the franchise owner. Please feel free to contact me via phone, email, or mail.

Sincerely,
Wendy J. LastName

My attempt to up my placement on google for this post: Weight Watchers, Salt Lake City, Utah, UT, mother, weight loss, Weight Watcher international.

Weight Watchers – not family friendly

So Vince and I are overweight. Dr. Calm mentioned that I should consider losing more weight before I TTC again…. Dr. Big Shot wanted my weight around 150, I am not there. I am 30 pounds lighter than my heaviest, but from the weight today, I actually have gained 2 pounds since I HAD the baby. I still have a net loss from the pregnancy, but to have gained weight after the baby…. Vince also says his jeans are tight, and needs to lose some weight for military purposes. I’m emotionally ready to lose more weight, and I do need the support and monitoring of a formal program.

Well, we want to go to the same Weight Watchers meeting. Here they have one “Wee Ones Welcome(WOW)” meeting a week, Monday morning. Nothing the rest of the week. I called the 1-800 number and asked about having a “WOW” meeting in the evening. I explained that DH and I want to attend together, and don’t really want She said they really only have the one meeting, for mom’s who don’t work.

GRRR…. Tangent here: WHY does everything here revolve around people who don’t work? This exists in so much craft classes, reading groups at church, so many things I want to do, but can’t because they are forgetting that most women go to work.

I asked her why no evening “WOW” meeting. She said that usually the baby stays home with the husband. I said that we both work during the day, and we do our best to be together in the evenings and weekends. I’m not happy that I have to either: flex my schedule to go to a daytime meeting, or swap the baby with Vince, or arrange day care. Either way, unless Sydney is with someone else, no Weight Watcher meetings together for us.

My brother has gotten VERY sensitive about us asking them to watch Sydney for a shot time. He went off on the IM to me. What would have worked is to drop her off for an hour and a half, go to the meeting, but there is no way I’m asking him. His wife would help, but I’m not dealing with my brother at all about this. He was really nasty and vindictive on the IM, and I’m not giving him any ammunition. I’ll just steer clear.

So, I’ll figure something out, but it won’t be what I want.

TMI, deep thought, an update, and some ranting all in one post!!

So, here I am. I have several random thoughts to post, so I'll order them. Felt the need to play with color....

1. New Job Love it!!! The new job is very laid back. I have to be a go-getter to get any training attention. The laid back style is a refreshing and relaxing change. Problem is, I am lonely. People here are pretty solitary, meaning, I'm the only one with my door open any time. I also feel like the feeling your car makes when you mean to put the manual transmission into 5th gear, but accidentally go into 3rd or even 1st. You know, that jearking lurching, throw you against the stearing wheel feeling? Things are so much slower and low pressure here, it is odd after 4 years of constant pressure.
2. Had my annual OB exam today. VERY weird being there for an exam, not pregnant. Took the baby with me. She decided to scream just before Dr. Calm came in to do a pelvic, so I nursed during the pelvic. She and I talked birth control types. I'm on a progesterone only pill. I spot a lot and hate it. Thing is, the RE I saw in SLC told me that if I was not TTC, I need to be on a hormonal BC method. I'm thinking about getting Mirena inserted. She did say that I could go back to my regular pill in a couple of months. Thing is, simply put, and I told her this, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. She said her advice is to have a least 2 years between pregnancies, based on how hard the last one was. I need the time to mentally and physically heal. I need to not have to manage this every day. It is odd for me who has been though infertility to be saying this, but I do not want to get pregnant right now. I want to enjoy Sydney and Vince. I want to emotionally process what I have been through and deal with the emotions I have not dealt with. I want to "be" ready, not just accidentally get pregnant. Since I lost the weight and had surgery, my body has shown itself to be very fertile, by getting pregnant the first cycle off the pill. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think I'm making a big deal, but then I realize this is a big deal for me. She gave me some literature, and I'll think it over. One of my complaints about the pill I'm on right now is the nearly constant spotting, which she said is pretty standard with Mirena for 6 months.
3. OUT with the VBAC patrol. So yesterday, a couple of ladies from chuch came over. One, once she learned I had a c/s wanted to know if the doctor had "meshed" (whatever that means) or double sewed my uterine incision. Well, I partly played dumb. I've read my surgical report, it does not mention a second row of sutures, so I'm betting money I did not have them. Then she wants to know what type of uterine incision I had, and I know exactly where this is going... Yes I had a horizontal incision, and no, I don't want to VBAC. I did not want to discuss the deep emotional and physical reason's I don't want to labor, but too posh to push is not that reason. She kind of implied that was me, when I pointed out that Sydney's birth was c/s to take the risk off of her and onto me, and that I was fine with my c/s. I did not want to point out how terrifying my last pregnancy was, and how reassuring being in competant medical hands was. I also did not want to go in depth into my gynelogical history, that I've already had two uterine incisions, a deformed uterus, which was blessed to carry life, and that I am simply to scared to VBAC. I feel the risk to too great, so I have already discussed this with Dr. Calm, and she said she would prefer a c/s but would support a VBAC attempt as long as her insurance allows it. Simply put, any future children will be born by c/s and I am fine with this. Everyone can make their own choices, and this is mine. So I want the VBAC police to keep their judgements off my body. They don't have to deal with the emotional and physical consequences, I do. I know that a failed VBAC would crush me, and I would rather avoid that all together. Bascially, I'll have a nice scheduled C/S, thank you very much. Oh, she wants me to use some "slippery oak" for Sydney's nose cold, and mix it with formula. I pointed out that Sydney is breast fed. Thanks, but I'll skip the weird stuff right now.
4. Life is not meant to be happy and easy. It is a challenge and a grind. We are here to be tested. We are having a hard time at our home right now. Vince's car is broken, needs major brake work done, money is tight. We are on the one car fleet again, and it is so hard to get worked out. He is really struggling with school and ROTC. I got off the pressure wheel, and he got on. He is having a really hard time getting things done. I'm not helping to lessen the pressure, because I want him to get some sleep and spend some time with us. He is having a hard time with his classes. I wish I could just do the work for him, but that would not help him.
5. Krista is one of those people on the internet who you never meet, but changes your life for good. Krista has brain cancer, and had been re-occurance free for 10 months. She has beaten the odds by where she is today. At her last MRI, there was increased growth, and she has to change drugs and hope the new, nastier ones work. I read this today, and it made me so sad. Krista has done made so many positive improvements in so many lives, mine included. I had so prayed that the cancer would disappear, that this trial would be done for her. It just made me sad to read this news. HUGS Krista.

Flood o' Fun

1) Yesterday, my kitchen flooded because of a malfunction in the water heater. Landlord unreachable problem not solved. Problem still exists.