Senseless Horror

Last night, while I was watching Jeopardy, the station broke into the show. And I have not exhaled since.

Yesterday, a mad man walked into a local mall. For some reason, he felt that taking a shot gun with a pistol grip, lots of ammo, and the proceeding to shot innocent people was a grand idea.

5 innocent people killed. 4 seriously wounded. One off duty hero interrupted his dinner to stop the rampage. He will live with that for the rest of his life, as will the other hundreds of people in the mall last night. They will have to live with seeing the shooter, the bodies, the broken glass the blood. They will live with the smells of gun fire. They will live with the sounds of screams and shotgun blasts. They will live with the fear, fear which drove unsung heroes to risk themselves to lower the grates of their stores to try to protect others.

They were there to have dinner, go shopping, or to go to work. They expected to be safe.

How many times have I gone to a mall to shop or eat, and expect to be safe? Will I ever feel safe again?

I was not there. I was planning on having lunch there on Wednesday. I have an all day training in Salt Lake, and my co-workers and I had discussed how yummy Spaghetti Factory would be.

This is a mall I have been to many times. I played in a violin concert there in elementary school. Once we could drive, heading down to the Spaghetti Factory and shopping at Trolley Square was a fun treat for my friends and I. It was so fun to get to drive down to the big city from tiny Brigham City.

We have been there to celebrate. We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for a reunion meal after Vince had been gone on military training. We had just gotten engaged and were disgustingly in love. We went to the Hard Rock again with friends to celebrate my graduation from college.

When Vince's brother was in the ICU at the UofU hospital, depending on the route you take, Trolley Square is on the way. I stopped in there many times during those months of struggle for some yummy candy, window shopping, and retail therapy. I'd bop into the Bath and Body Works to try a new lotion. I'd sit in the massage chairs at the Sharper Image, and snicker about Samantha from Sex and the City and her purchase from the Sharper Image. I'd dream of being skinny and rich enough to buy something from the Banana Republic. When we lived in Salt Lake, we would go eat at Tucci's, an Italian restaurant across the street from Trolley Square, and then we would walk across the street for a movie or window shopping. I have a lot of pleasant memories associated with Trolley Square.

Last night, I heard several news reports say over and over that "this is not supposed to happen here?" I ask where is this sort of tragedy and carnage supposed to happen, anyway? Littleton, Colorado? Los Angeles, California? New York City? Basra? Baghdad? Jerusalem? Darfur? Where on earth is this mayhem supposed to happen? I honestly can't think of a place it is supposed to happen. I can think of many, many places it does happen, but no where it should happen.

It is shocking to see the video on TV. I've been there. When they talk about locations, I've eaten there, shopped there, walked down those hallways. It is gut retching to see familiar places involved in a tragedy such as this. I've seen this sort of thing hundreds of times on TV, but never somewhere so familiar and close to my heart.

I cannot imagine being there. What if I had been there with Sydney? I would die for her, no question about it. I would kill to protect her. I feel so very helpless to protect her from the violence and hatred that exist in this world.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It was hard to come to work today. I had to leave Sydney at day care, and that was hard as well. I just want to take my little family and stay safe in our home. Only, I had nightmares last night, and I kept worrying armed gun men were going to bust into the sanctuary which is my home.

Like Trista, I feel like I'm talking out of my ass. I'm trying to process this nightmare. It is hard to imagine someone actually shooting up a place I know and a place where I felt very safe.

I want my security back.