Down day

Syd's sleeping is not going well. She cries for about 20 minutes, sleeps for about an hour, lather rinse repeat. It is very hard. I've started talking to her about sleeping and preparing her for it. It is just hard. I want to say thanks for all the tips and ideas people have sent me, I really appreciate them. Things are improved over my I'm losing it post, but they are still a challenge. I'm worried she is having nightmares, because she wakes up screaming as if she is scared. Now she goes to sleep very easy at day care. DCP says she plays a little than goes to sleep. UGG WHY can she do it there, but not at home?

I'm down today. The overwhelming burden of Vince leaving is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm pretty near crying right now. I restarted the Wellbutrin today. I've been off for a couple of months and have done fine, but I'm worried about what will come. So I'm being proactive and restarting the meds.

17 days until he leaves. I keep reminding myself that this is a good thing, at least he is not in Baghdad, blah, blah, blah, but I also keep thinking... My Lover is leaving for 6 freaking months. (I'd swear but I'm posting from work.) That is the overwhelming part right now. 6 MONTHS. I know the time will pass because it always does, but that's where I am right now. The anticipatory grief one has before a big loss occurs.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

Oh, and Trista, I'll work on the blinkies.

Soooooooo

Vince met with his commander.

And it went much better than expected.

Vince becomes a Second Lieutenant on Friday!

THANK GOD that the ROTC phase of our lives is over and we get to move on.

I am beyond relieved.

I am so happy. I am so glad that all the sacrifice and struggle and loss of the last 2 years related to this program have come to fruition.

I am so relieved for Vince. I really dreaded having to work him through not commissioning.

Gotcha Day

Today is our Gotcha day!!!

Celebrate!!!!

One year ago we ran out of the hospital and made it home WITH our DD. What a happy day that was. Such a very special day. If you are interested...

Here is the video link. Because I don't want youtube linking back to this site, remove the #### in the link so the link will work.

From when we roomed in...
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=l3FmZS2zjPA

Going home!
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=LFQCeQ0miYA

What a wonderful day that was. I look back at that video and snicker at times. Vince wondering if he should drive slow because we have the baby in the car. Me messing with the blanket and wrapping her up in it.... thing is, it was about 90 that day. She did not need a blanket. She barely needed clothing.

I bought her the duck dress she is wearing. It was a newborn size. I bought it on one of my OB approved shopping jaunts while on bed rest. I was sitting in one of those electric carts. My mom was there. She had bought Sydney a pink dress, but I told her I wanted to purchase the duck one. She said I had no need for it, since she bought the pink one. I told her I wanted the duck dress and was buying it. She wanted to know what for. I said I needed something cute to bring her home in. She said that's why she bought the pink dress, and acted a bit hurt. I thanked her for the pink dress, but said that Vince wanted me to get her a dress to wear home that he and I bought. Plus, the pink dress was a 0-3 months, and we already knew she was being born small. I said that I was hoping that a new born dress would fit... as you can see, it was still huge. In the end, I bought the dress, sweater, and a pair of duck booties. I wanted to get the really cute duck hat that matched but my mom talked me out of it.

BTW... both the duck dress and pink dress still fit. When I'm home I'll upload a picture of her very recently wearing the duck dress. She wore it to Vince's graduation.

Any ideas out there how to help Vince and Sydney bond? She is really clinging to me, and his feelings are getting hurt. He feels left out. She cooperates for me and won't for him. I try to suggest that he do more of her cares without hollering for me to help or getting frustrated. I suggest that he bathe her. He really won't do that. Any ideas?

Oh, I decided that Kristin is right and I took down the adjusted age ticker. A friend is watching Syd today as our DCP is on vacation, and she had not seen her in a while. When I opened the door with Syd on my hip, she said "She is huge." :)

Been a quiet May

Sorry for the silence. I've been dealing with some pretty strong emotions lately. My baby turned one. She is doing so very well. She weighs 12 pounds 8 ounces. The ped is a bit worried about her weight, so we are now giving her pediasure. Well we are fedding the more affordable Wal Mart brand, but same thing. She likes it a lot. Wanna get dirty looks ? Feed your baby something that looks about 5 months old a bottle of a chocolate liquid in public.

Syd is VERY mobile. She is an excellent crawler. She can climb all the way to the top of our stairs in our split level home. Tonight, she climbed onto the couch for the first time. No longer is she a lump... she is now a baby on the move.

Embarassing things I've fed Sydney...
Beans from Taco Bell
French fries from any number of places
Diet coke.
Cake and ice cream
icees
among others

I'm struggling with DH lately. The ROTC crap is ongoing. I'm frustrated at his work and lack of a viable job search. I'm just really struggling with him... I'm fed up with being broke and carrying all the load of the home finances. I'd also like to say that Sydney has 2 parents.... I should not be the only one to feed, change, bathe, etc her.

I've been playing Godfather on the X box a lot lately. I also want to run away to Disneyland again. We had a lot of fun there. It was nice to be a family together.

House is a mess. Office is a mess. I'm tired a lot. I feel overwhelmed a lot.

My mom has LOADS of unsolicited ideas about how to improve my life. I'm tired of hearing it.

Am I whining... yeah I guess. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood. Now a poopy diaper awaits me as DH is doing his impression of a log on the living room floor.

Our eighth anniversary was this week. Vince bought me this watch for our anniversary. Course, I picked it out and told him that was what I wanted, but with my husband... that is what I've learned. If I want to get something I want... I have to make it VERY clear what I want. I've given up on being suprised... well after he spent $80 on bras and panties at Victorias Secret for Christmas one year for my Christmas present... I've learned. I really like the watch. I have several watches. I really like them. I have about 4 really nice watches with dead batteries. I should get the batteries changed rather than keep buying new ones. Funny Wendy.

Oh, on a miracle note... my Brother and his wife are pregnant. I have no idea if they were TTC or what, but they are no longer waiting to adopt. They are keeping quiet on the details, so I don't really know much. (Actually they are being stinking WEIRD about this and many other things, but that is another blog post.)

And since Dawn is much better at blogging and posting pics....

Here is a post on Syd's birthday party.
Syd at Strutt your Mutt... scroll Down
Our camping trip last weekend. We went dirt camping... not trailer camping like normal. It was SO stinking cold at night. Thankfully, Dawn gave us the dog's sleeping bag so we did not freeze. We were so under prepared for the cold. That was dumb of us. Next time, we will overprepare for the cold and under prepare for being hot...

Hiatus over!

Hi, I've been back for about a week. I've needed some time to screw my head back on.

Random Vacation post mortem:

1. We had a blast. It was WONDERFUL. We so needed a break.
2. Disneyland is designed to get you to overspend, which we did with gusto.
3. The never lost (GPS) feature on the rental care was a vacation saver. It was so cool. I really want one now.
4. Vince is useless on an airplane. He basically plugged into the Tv's on Jet blue and forgot about me and Sydney. I got really mad at him, and he was like what am I doing, because he is one of those people who when they put the headphones in, forget there is a world out there beyond the headphones.
5. Wicked was WONDERFUL. I want to see it again. I cried several times. Vince even liked it. It was so very moving and I could just keep typing adoring adjectives, but will stop. There will be a post dedicated to Wicked.
6. Single Rider at Disneyland California is the best thing EVER. Basically you go to the front of the line. I was in line with a sweet couple on their honeymoon. She got picked first, then the attendant came and got the groom and I and then put us in line next to each other. I hurried and went and swapped with the bride.
7. There are 2 Sheraton's within shouting distance of Disneyland. Who knew?
8. MIL will find a way to call at a time which will be most embarrassing, ie when you learn you are at the wrong Sheraton. She will then lecture you. I will post about her too.
9. It was so very nice to just be with my family. Sydney is so smart.
10. Sydney cut her first tooth on March 11, the second day we were there. Sydney is a traffic stopper, she is so dang cute. It really throws people to see someone that small sitting, etc. She loves the stroller.
11. The trip was hard on Sydney. She went on a bit of a eating strike. She lost weight on the trip. We found out the day after we got back, because she was running a VERY high fever, that Sydney had an ear infection on the way home, which would explain the constant crying the flight home.
12. NEVER eat at the IHOP right by Disneyland. A normal breakfast for 3 adults with tip was $55. That is insane, and the service was not that good. No, no one had fillet Mignon.
13. It was so nice to stay at a nice hotel.
14. It was well worth it for the upgrade to the full size car, as we had so much crap.
15. Sydney thought the Haunted Mansion was a comedy ride. She laughed the whole way through. As we went in, Vince worried that she would be scared. I told him she was too young to know it is supposed to be scary, and I was right.
16. Sydney hates things that go wosh, ie the doors on the Monorail and flushing toilets.
17. My sister is a SPOILED BRAT. She went to California the day before we came home. Initially we intended to only spend 2 days at Disney, so I offered to sell her one day at $30. (Full retail price of one day park hopper ticket $83+tax.) She really made a stink about this. I figured I was saving her $50, and the tickets were not free for us, they were part of our package. Then after 2 days we had not done all we wanted, so we wanted to go again. I'd already committed to selling her the ticket, so we ended up purchasing another one at full price ($63 for one park). I'm really upset at me for agreeing to do that. It ended up costing me about $35 to save her $50.
18. Vince wants to move to LA. I'm in the HELL NO camp on that one. I don't want to live there. I miss the ocean and the palm trees, but I have no desire to live there. Anyway, we would only be able to afford a shack in an awful neighborhood.
19. I have some great pictures and video I'll post.
20. When we were eating at an in park restaurant I said to Vince, I don't know why we never came here to eat when I was growing up. When I saw the tab, I understood. $40. Two large and very good dinners for Vince and I, a REALLY good piece of chocolate cake (really big too) and sodas. As this was a buffet style place, no tip.

I have a lot of things to post, so I'm going to get cracking.

Defy Gravity!

Guess what is playing in Los Angeles....


It only opened February 21, 2007....

I'm going March 13, 2007.

We are sitting in very good seats.... and paying a pretty penny for them too!!! I was able to get tickets from Ticketmaster, so we at least I did not pay scalper prices. (But I was ready to pay that once I realized it was playing in LA.)

Figured it out??? Of course you have, my readers are very smart!!!!!

I get to see Wicked. I'm so very excited. I cannot wait. I have wanted to see this play so very bad. I so love the story and so love the music.

Yes, Vince is coming, but I can't help but think that was a waste of $100. I'm really thinking of taking our friend in LA who will be watching Sydney and leaving him with the baby. Hopefully he will like the story. I mean, a play CANNOT be that successful with only women and gay men fans? Right???

I'm sleepy.

I have more readers!!!! Yippee and welcome. All the nice comments got me thinking.... I should post!

I took Sydney yesterday to get her Synagis shot. ($150 + $20 copay to doc.) She weighs 11 pounds 13 ounces. She has gained 9 pounds in 9 months, give or take. She is getting taller and gaining some chunk. I'll post some new pictures soon. She has two teeth which have not popped out yet. I'll be glad when they do. I'm very glad to see she is gaining weight. I'm having supply problems, and I was worried about her weight. The ped said he thinks her weight gain is excellent.

ROTC is just kicking Vince's butt. He is trying to do a good job, but they keep changing the rules on him. He is trying to do his OPORD, but they seem to be expecting A LOT more from him than everyone else. If you compare what they want from him to what they accepted last year and OPORDS from other cadets this semester, his is way more detailed. I know because he showed me them from the web site. They have his confidence shattered and he is so depressed. Someone there has been implying that if he does not succeed in the ROTC program, that makes him a failure, in all aspects of his life. He keeps saying what a lousy father and husband he is. I know this is coming from ROTC. (They also seem to feel that his difficulties at ROTC are because of marital problems. They wanted me to come in and talk... I refused, because then I WOULD give them a piece of my mind, which would not help Vince.)I'm really trying to be balanced and not take Vince's side and defend him, as I know there have been times he could have worked harder, done better, etc. I do not believe this is one of those times. The cadre keep telling him to ask for help, but then expect him to have the solution already figured out, so why ask for help? He is getting nothing but negative criticism from them. Could they throw him a freaking bone and say this is better than the last one, because it is?

I'm very worried about him. He seems so defeated, so downtrodden upon. I'm very unhappy at whomever is insinuating that if he fails at the ROTC program that makes him a bad husband and father. ROTC is school, family is family. If you have to be perfect in your entire life to be a good spouse/parent, we are ALL screwed. Hell, I've been fired twice. Does that fact alone make me a bad wife? I don't think so. I think that your job performance is a part of you as a spouse/ parent, but only as far as you are trying, providing for the needs, and that the job does not take over your life. ROTC has taken over his life. His other classes are suffering, again, because of the demands of ROTC.

I wish I could just make this easier on him, but I can't. He is so sad. He is staying up all hours trying to please them. I've been staying up too to try to help, and am exhausted. I'm also going through an insomnia phase right now. These happen to me, and I usually take an ambien for a couple of days to break the cycle. The problem with that is Sydney nurses all night. We are co-sleeping, and you really should not co-sleep and take sedatives. I'm too afraid I'll roll over and kill her to take an ambien. I took 5mg while pregnant, as I had an insomnia spell then. They did not drug me that bad, but I took 10mg while in the hospital when I was very upset and exhausted, and it drugged me up so much, I some how out both contact lenses in the same well.

I'm really worried about our vacation now. I'm worried Vince will not be able to relax and we will have a nightmare of a time. He wants to bring homework. I think he needs a complete get away. He will have 4 days after we get back to study.

Excited

I am so very beyond excited about vacation!!!! I made and advent calendar of sorts on my office door. It is out of blue postits. I'll post a pic once I bring a camera to work. So yeah, I'm excited. Usually I do a count down on a big calendar on my office wall, and cross out the days, but we did not get those this year, so I made my own count down clock.

Sydney got exposed to RSV yesterday at day care. Praise the Lord she got her Synagys last week. She should be covered. The thing about the Synagys is it does not prevent RSV, but it lessens it. If she does get RSV, hopefully it will be mild. I'm still VERY worried about this. She seems fine today.

We are co-sleeping, not because we are really into the beliefs about the benefits of co-sleeping, but rather because it is a way for us all to get sleep. (I believe in the benefits, but Vince is only sold on the idea that this means sleep.) Lately we have been struggling with this a bit. We had been sleeping with me in the middle, Sydney on the outside with her pillow designed for this to keep her from falling out of bed. Then she fell out of bed, so into the middle she went. (Once I moved her to the other side of me, and she fell out of bed before she even had a chance to sweat a wet spot from her head, she has a very sweaty head.) Vince thought that we might both have more room if we slept backwards, with his head by my feet and vice versa. I was not too keen on this because I'd rather wake up to his face, not his feet.

Neither of us know why, but we both woke up at the same time last night. Sydney had somehow wiggled sideways and across our queen bed, and was about to fall head first off Vince's side. She was asleep. I have no idea how she did this. She so far does not crawl. She really wants to crawl and catch the cat, but she does not. I tried teaching her yesterday. So the backwards thing is a no-go, and we are back to being a bit craped. I really wish she did not need to nurse all night, except when she is working on falling out of bed. My back is cramped from being on my side all night.

So far she has fallen out of bed 3 times. Once while I was getting ready to go, and twice at night. It is very scary and I really feel like a dumb parent when that happens.

Can I just SCREAM at Vince for a minute. Thanks. I've been talking vacation for 2 weeks now. He knew when we were going. So last night, I'M ON THE PHONE WITH JET BLUE to book the non-refundable air and the car, and Vince says "I think that is drill." !#%^^**(&^^%$$%^&*** (Insert swear word of your choice here.) So I hang up with Jet Blue and we talk. He hopefully can reschedule (RST) the drill. I went ahead and booked the hotel as it is refundable with a fee. Hopefully he will get the word back soon on RST. I'm just like "What part of can you go do you not understand?" and " Why in the hell did you not check your drill schedule when we started talking about this weeks ago?"

Hello again

I tried to post last week, and my post got eaten. So in reward, haha, you will get a post filled with grammar errors. Sorry.

Sydney finally got her third Synagis shot last week. She is sitting up and doing wonderful. We are so very blessed. She weighs over 11 pounds. I mentioned to my mom that she is getting big, and my mom was like you are crazy. Of course, my mom's largest baby weighed 10 pounds 11 ounces at birth. What I meant was that my baby is growing up. She is sitting. She reaches for things she wants. She is showing preference for people. She leans toward who she wants. She is getting much bigger than the tiny baby I birthed.

Oh, and contrary to the anti-c/s crowd, I did birth my baby. I gave birth. I may never have felt a single contraction, but I gave birth, same as women who go it no drugs. That particular point irks me no end. I hang out at an "alternative" online BB, and there are some women on there with views on prenatal care who terrify me. Have a home birth, I don't care, but don't judge me my c/s and healthy baby. And don't judge why I have no interest in a VBAC. You have not walked in my shoes. Why is it ok for them to judge my c/s but not ok for me to judge their complete avoidance of prenatal care, just because ALL ob's are SOB's ya know? Go ahead, have your HBA2C (home birth after 2 c/s) for all I care, don't judge my choices. One poster posted that she was upset because a client of hers, she is a doula, had a scheduled c/s. She posted "she had the baby uh... removed." No, I gave birth. My baby was not removed. Tumors are removed, babies are birthed. I really feel something is broken in me for having NO desire to have a VBAC. The thought terrifies me. The thought of a scheduled c/s is comforting. It angers me when I read about access to a VBAC being restricted because of insurance, and I'm supportive of women who want to VBAC, I have no interest in it. Rant over.

Why does my husband think he deserves a medal whenever he changes Sydney's diapers? If I remember correctly, he is equally responsible for her being here. It's like he is doing me a favor or something. His need to be super protective of her is getting on my nerves. I KNOW this is NICU related, but every little thing makes him jump up, almost panicked. REALLY. Last night she was crying because she wanted to be fed. He asks me what he should do. She wants solids, I already tried nursing her. I'm like feed her damn it. I'm doing the taxes. He got all mad, and I was like She is your daughter too. I'm really sick of Sydney seeming to be my project, and he is the helper. If he picks her up from day care, he is doing me a favor. If he feeds her, he is helping me out. I'm trying to empower him to care more for her and not step in at every little thing. Sometimes he makes me want to scream.

We are hoping to go on vacation in March, to Disneyland. I keep getting asked if we are taking the baby.... Hello??? What part of FAMILY vacation do you not understand? Sure, it would be easier without her, but then I would miss seeing her eyes when we take her on Its a Small World. She won't remember the details, but she will remember being with her parents, and we will remember the time we all spent together. So what if we ride the trill rides alone as we swap the baby? Who really cares? I don't believe I do a lot of bonding while on the Indiana Jones ride. Come on. Thrill rides are essentially a solitary activity, shared among strangers. Plus, as I'm still nursing, I'd either have to wean (That's a dumb reason to wean, IMNSHO) or pump. No vacation is a chance to not pump. Plus, I don't think I could be away from her that long, I would miss her so, and so would Vince. I have so little time with her, that when I use leave, I really want to be with her, and with Vince, as a family. All together. Yes, I know this means hauling a car seat and stroller to California. Oh well.

I'm so excited about this. Vince and I have not had a real vacation for 4 years. (Mesquite and Bear Lake don't count.) We are flying, renting a car, and staying at a hotel. We will be there 4 nights but because our plane gets there early and leaves late, we will have 5 full days there. We will do Disneyland for 3 days, Knotts Berry Farm for one, and have a free day to go to the beach and go see friends. I'm counting down.

Vince currently has orders to be gone August-October, and then November to January. Yup, looks like he will be gone for Christmas. Shit. I KNOW this is a part of military life, but that does not mean I have to be celebrating right now. Still sucks, expected or not.

For Trista.... Basically I've been wearing one pair of shoes.... Black Loafers I bought at Target. Just like these, only the toes on mine are all scuffed.

Party at Primary Children's ER - Long

Sunday night I was over at my moms. The bench that my mom, who was holding Sydney, was on was not locked correctly, and collapsed. They ended up falling between my mom's bookcase and a rocking chair, we were in their living room. My mom did a great job protecting Sydney, but must have injured her little leg when they fell. My mom was holding Sydney's leg when they fell.

After the fall Sydney cried a lot. We thought it was from the commotion and the 5 women in the room screaming. I held her and got her to nurse, and she seemed ok. She co-slept fine Sunday night, and she had some rough nights the past couple of nights so that seemed like a blessing to me.

Monday morning come. She seems ok, but SCREAMS when I changed her diaper. I fed her mashed potatoes on Sunday night, without knowing they had milk in them. I thought it was gas, because she was farting, so I gave her baby gas medicine and she seemed fine. I noticed she was holding her left leg a bit oddly, but thought maybe her diaper needed adjusting, as she was back to her normal happy self. I packed her up for day care and she SCREAMED when I strapped her in, which is par for the course. She usually cries at car seat time.

I took her to day care. I let her provider know what happened and asked her to call me if anything was wrong. She later told me that Sydney was fine, ate fine, slept a little more than normal, but only cried when she was changing her diaper when it was time for me to pick Sydney up. DCP was very upset by her screaming. She did not call me because she knew I was on my way. I called the pediatricians office and got an after hours appointment at 7. Sydney is weighed and now weighs 10 pounds 2 ounces!!! We see the PA. He is very kind, does x rays, says we need to go to Primary Children's ER in Salt Lake, about 30 miles away.

Silly me, I answer when my mom calls, and she says she is coming down. She feels very bad. I told her that who ever was holding her on that bench it would have happened with. DH had a paper due this am, so we had to call my bro to borrow his laptop so DH could finish his paper.

So after me waiting at the peds office for about 45 minutes, DH, mom and Bro arrive. Sydney was all nursed and happy. We believe in the laying on of hands, so DH and Bro give her a blessing. Her leg got bumped during the blessing and she started screaming. My mom nearly lost it during the blessing and ended up crying all over the MA. She was a very nice and understanding MA.

So we all drive to Primary's. We get there and get checked in. Even though the peds office called down and said we were coming, we are told to wait in the lobby. Ummmm The absolute last place I want Sydney is in a pediatric hospital Er waiting room. I tell the nurse that. She said, "well you said she got the synagis shots..." Yes, but they don't prevent RSV, they minimize it. We end up waiting in the car. Sydney desperately wants to nurse, so my mom ends up walking the parking lot all bundled up.

After an hour waiting, we get in. We wait. We wait. Nurse practitioner come in. Seems he did not look at the chart, so asks all the same questions again. Asks why DD is small. Because she is an ex 34 week preemie weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, that's why. Anyway, he says that the x-rays that the peds office are basically worthless. Says we have to have some more.

Then the doctor in charge come in. She says that she and an orthopod looked over the x-rays and they were fine. They want different views of her knee after the doctor examined her leg. They also wanted to draw blood to rule out infections. She lets me nurse Sydney about midnight. Big relief for both of us, as I was about to send DH outside for the pump.

So rad tech comes for Sydney and I. We follow her. As we walk past the nurses desk, a nurse there says our x rays are on hold. We go back to our room, where I begin to panic.

As you may know, until a couple of months ago, I was a child welfare worker. Basically, as Sydney is an infant, I've been very upset that CPS would get called. There were plenty of witnesses to the accident, but still I was very worried. It turns out that a good friend was on-call for Davis county last night, but I still was so very worried. I don't want a CPS case, I don't want a CPS worker involved in my family at all. Something similar happened to another DCFS worker and the children got removed, the family was financially devastated, the worker lost his job. Their entire case was overturned by the appeals court. I'd rather skip that destruction to my family. Also, I believe that I would have to be put on admin leave if there is an investigation on-going as I work in a background clearance position of trust. So far to my knowledge, no referral has been made, thank God. It actually turns out that my friend had to respond to Primary Children's ER last night, same time as we were there. She knew where we were because she saw Vince walk into our room. She decided against visiting to spare me the heart attack that would have happened when I saw her, before she could say she was not there on business. I talked to my mom and DH about what to say if DCFS does get involved. As my sister is still a minor, my mom needs to remind her that she needs to ask for her parent if a caseworker shows up. Basically, I've been in the system, and while I think that child welfare is very needed, and I am very supportive of DCFS, I worry greatly about what would happen to my family. Simply put, I've seen a good family destroyed because a worker made an error. I spent a good part of the night worried about CPS. I mean we are talking about a bone injury in a non-mobile infant. I was just hoping no one decided to doubt what happened, because accidents do happen. Also thankfully, a lady from the neighborhood was over when the incident happened, so we have a non family witness, who also happened to be sitting on the collapsed bench.

The nurse comes in and puts the iv in. She gets the blood they needed. She got the IV in with one poke. We go for x-rays. The ladies were none too nice. Simply put, they asked me to wait outside. As I had said to my mom and to the nurse, I've been through worse with the NICU, I'm staying put. This is something that I have committed to myself from the NICU experience, something I learned. I am there for my daughter. At the doctor's office, the gave me a lead apron to wear, and asked me to hold Sydney's hands. At the hospital, I was not given an apron and they did not even speak to me after I refused to leave the room. I believe that even though Sydney was screaming, having me there to whisper to her and stroke her head was comforting. I hope it was. I don't want to get in the staff's way, but I'm her mom. They can do the procedures, I'll love. From being in the NICU, I've observed that when staff is doing a procedure that is their focus. They usually don't say nice things until they are done. That is why I want to be there, to comfort her while they do their job. I see this as they do their job as nurses, I'll do mine as mom.

After the blood tests come back perfectly normal and the x rays come back fine, the doctor recommends that Sydney have a bone scan. They can't do this at night, and we have to call in the am to schedule this. Because this involves injections, they leave the hep-lock from the IV in. I have been taking care of this. Sydney started to chew on the IV, she chews on everything, so I put a little bootie over her hand. It is the blue one she is wearing. She now chews on the blue head, and quite likes the rattle on her hand. She has not fought with it too much. We finally were discharged at 2:45 am. We were all so very tired.

It has been so hard going through this. It is bringing up emotions from the NICU. Medical issues, fear issues, CPS/social work issues, control issues, my mom issues. It's so hard seeing her cry in pain while procedures are done to her again. Seems she now recognizes syringes, as she started crying when she saw the nurse setting things up. Poor baby. It has also been sad when I hurt her. We have been holding and moving her with great care, but sometimes I bump her leg. She also screams when placed in her car seat, and if I'm not very careful when I change her diaper. She is so very active with her limbs, and her little left leg just sits there. She has it bent at the knee, almost tucked under. She may be happy and kicking with her right leg, but not her left. At her bath tonight, Vince held her arm, I bathed. She did the splashing with her feet that I've taught her, but only with her right leg. She does move her left leg, just not nearly as much.

So we go back to the hotel Primarys tomorrow for the bone scan. I can't nurse her after 8 am until after her procedure is finished and she wakes up, so I'll have to pump. She will be so unhappy. They said we can give her pedialyte in her bottle until 10 am. I've never given her anything but breast milk via bottle, so I have no idea how she will take to it. My mom is going with me as Vince has a final.

I called my boss about needing time off. Thankfully he was wonderful. I told him he could call if he needed anything but he reminded me that I no longer work next door (DCFS) and that they'll handle anything. It was so nice to have my boss worried about me and my baby not the work and being upset because she has to do something. Sydney's day care provider has called a couple of times very worried as well.

Sorry for the long post. It just flowed out of me.

Quiet

I've been quiet lately. Sorry. I have been editing and posting videos on my You-Tube site located here for a shameless plug.....youtube.com/intorainbowz .

It's been a quiet time for me. Vince's grandmother died last Thursday. I loved her. She was always so very kind to me. She was a great buffer between me and MIL when MIL went bonkers when Sydney was born.


This is MIL and Abuela and Sydney.


This is MIL, DH, Abuela, and Sydney.


She had been ill for some time, and was ready to go. I still miss her, and actually have a hard time believing she is dead, even though I saw her body, and watched her casket be lowered into the ground.

Unfortunately, as happens in my family and I'm sure yours too, a death, same as a birth, is a time for every one to go a little crazy. Vince's aunt went off her meds, police had to be called more than once. After the Rosary was said at the viewing, she decided to make a speech, basically blasting MIL. MIL has been the only child of Abuela's to actually care for her and meet her needs. Like I told my SIL married to my brother, take your crazy family member and add booze.

It is weird for me. As so much of the rituals of her death were different than I am used to, I barely felt I was at a funeral. I'm LDS, she is Catholic. The funeral was a mass, very different than a Mormon funeral. The songs, the prayers, the rituals were different and foreign to me.

Sydney loved the stained glass windows and the smell of the frankinse and myrrh that they used in the incense, and thought mass was great. My mom came and held her most of the service. It was nice that my mom could stand in place and sway Sydney. I was uncomfortable, as this is not my faith, and other than knowing to say "and also with you" after the priest says "Peace be with you" and "Lord hear our prayer" after "Let us pray to the Lord." the rituals and meanings behind those rituals are unknown to me. I also know that the "sign of Peace" means shake every-one's hand around you. (I learned this at a wedding in Mexico where I was separated from the host family, and had absolutely no clue about what was going on both as a non-Catholic and a non-Spanish speaker. Carmen leaned across the isle and hissed at me "It's the sign of peace and you are being rude." as I was standing there looking funny. ) I did not know when to stand and sit. And (snark warning) the Catholics seated in front of me had as much idea as the 3 Mormons sitting on my pew when to stand and sit. The Priest had to use his hands to direct us.

No offense to any Catholics reading this, but I would be a very bad Catholic. In the LDS church, the sacrament consists of bread and water. The water is poured into little paper or plastic one time use cups. Catholics use one communal cup. That just grosses me out, the whole sharing of the cup by multiple people I don't know. Maybe had I been raised with this as a normal custom, I would be ok with it, but the germaphobe in my says no. (After the sign of peace, Vince got out the Purell.)

I did not go to the gathering after the funeral. It was at Abuela's home. I would have liked to go, but I knew there would be a lot of smoking going on there. Some of the Aunts were a bit disappointed that Sydney would not be there. They asked why. I simply stated "There will be smoking there, and she cannot be around cigarette smoke." MIL told me that at the home, they said I was rude and judgemental. Thankfully MIL stood up for me, and said that babies should not be around cigarette smoke and any moron knows that. (HAHAHA she was much ruder than I.) There was another baby there, and Vince said at one point there were 4 lit cigarettes around her. When Vince came home, he stunk WORSE than when we used to go gambling in a casino. REALLY. His suit had to go to the cleaners, and he had to shower. He said that there was underage drinking going on as well. He felt like he was caught between his family and that he is a sworn police officer (albeit very part time.) I might have felt the need to call the police, and told him so. Other than a sip at New Years, I have no tolerance for underage drinking, especially when the uncle gives teenagers beers. No not sips, their own beer. I don't understand how a family get together to honor Abuela turns into a kegger.

Anyway, I got off topic. I will miss Abuela. I always meant to get her rice recipe, and now it is gone.

Wendy meets Sydney

Here is the video of when I met Sydney. I'm basically high from all the drugs. I fibbed about how ready I was to get up out of bed, because I thought the nurse would just let me get right into the chair. Instead she made me walk across the large room to the bathroom, which was pointless because I had a cathedar in and Dr. Calm cleaned me out rather well.

Birthday Pondering

Today I am 29.

What a year 28 was.

One year ago today, I had a very strong suspicion I was pregnant. I was quite in denial about it, as I had so dearly wanted to be pregnant. My breasts were very sore and tender, and I just had this feeling.

One year ago today, I had no idea what this year would bring. I did not know I was going to have a wonderful daughter. I did not know that such joy and such pain could be combined into the same thing. I had no idea the strength I would need, nor the strength I would find. I had no idea I would have a high risk pregnancy, bed rest, c/s, NICU stay. Seriously, I had always imagined that my first daughter would be named Kathryn. I just love that name. And I have a baby girl named Sydney, whom I love. Sydney fits her so much better than Kathryn does. (Maybe my next daughter, if I do decided to wade into the pregnancy pool, will be Kathryn.) I had not imagined I would not have a natural birth, and have the baby placed directly on my belly. Instead, I had a scheduled c/s, with her immediately gone. I saw her hours later. I then went 3 days of torture without her. This gave me a small perspective on how hard it is for Vince to leave us to go to military. It was never that hard for him to go before, he would miss me, but he knew I was going to rent movies I want to see, go out with friends, craft, go shopping, basically take proper care of my self. Now when he leaves, he leaves behind someone who changes. The biggest change I ever made while he was gone was I lost 8 pounds. Sydney spent half her life while he was gone. She rolled over for the first time. Milestones happen when he is gone now. She will grow and change while he is gone.

One year ago, I had no plans to leave DCFS; and here I sit at DSPD. This has been a huge change for me, and a very positive one. I'm still in shock that something which has been such a defining factor of my life is gone now.

One year ago, I was a different person. I sit here a year old, and more than a year wiser. I matured more than one year in the past year, I feel like I have aged 7 years in the last year.

One year ago, I felt ignored by the Lord. Now I again know, what I really have always known, that He hears me and answers my prayers. I thought I had learned to accept His plan through the infertility trials. I've learned that it is another level of accepting His plan completely when it comes to your children. I still wonder and am troubled by what Sydney had to learn by her rough entry into this world. I also wonder what Vince and I had to learn from her tough start.

Some of you have been reading my blog for this entire time. Some of you are newer. Some of you I've never met, some are old friends. I want to thank you all for reading my posts. You are privy to some of the most intimate details of my life, for here I post what I feel I cannot say in real life. I process what is going on with me here. Here I share my thought, fears, and dreams. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

TMI, deep thought, an update, and some ranting all in one post!!

So, here I am. I have several random thoughts to post, so I'll order them. Felt the need to play with color....

1. New Job Love it!!! The new job is very laid back. I have to be a go-getter to get any training attention. The laid back style is a refreshing and relaxing change. Problem is, I am lonely. People here are pretty solitary, meaning, I'm the only one with my door open any time. I also feel like the feeling your car makes when you mean to put the manual transmission into 5th gear, but accidentally go into 3rd or even 1st. You know, that jearking lurching, throw you against the stearing wheel feeling? Things are so much slower and low pressure here, it is odd after 4 years of constant pressure.
2. Had my annual OB exam today. VERY weird being there for an exam, not pregnant. Took the baby with me. She decided to scream just before Dr. Calm came in to do a pelvic, so I nursed during the pelvic. She and I talked birth control types. I'm on a progesterone only pill. I spot a lot and hate it. Thing is, the RE I saw in SLC told me that if I was not TTC, I need to be on a hormonal BC method. I'm thinking about getting Mirena inserted. She did say that I could go back to my regular pill in a couple of months. Thing is, simply put, and I told her this, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. She said her advice is to have a least 2 years between pregnancies, based on how hard the last one was. I need the time to mentally and physically heal. I need to not have to manage this every day. It is odd for me who has been though infertility to be saying this, but I do not want to get pregnant right now. I want to enjoy Sydney and Vince. I want to emotionally process what I have been through and deal with the emotions I have not dealt with. I want to "be" ready, not just accidentally get pregnant. Since I lost the weight and had surgery, my body has shown itself to be very fertile, by getting pregnant the first cycle off the pill. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think I'm making a big deal, but then I realize this is a big deal for me. She gave me some literature, and I'll think it over. One of my complaints about the pill I'm on right now is the nearly constant spotting, which she said is pretty standard with Mirena for 6 months.
3. OUT with the VBAC patrol. So yesterday, a couple of ladies from chuch came over. One, once she learned I had a c/s wanted to know if the doctor had "meshed" (whatever that means) or double sewed my uterine incision. Well, I partly played dumb. I've read my surgical report, it does not mention a second row of sutures, so I'm betting money I did not have them. Then she wants to know what type of uterine incision I had, and I know exactly where this is going... Yes I had a horizontal incision, and no, I don't want to VBAC. I did not want to discuss the deep emotional and physical reason's I don't want to labor, but too posh to push is not that reason. She kind of implied that was me, when I pointed out that Sydney's birth was c/s to take the risk off of her and onto me, and that I was fine with my c/s. I did not want to point out how terrifying my last pregnancy was, and how reassuring being in competant medical hands was. I also did not want to go in depth into my gynelogical history, that I've already had two uterine incisions, a deformed uterus, which was blessed to carry life, and that I am simply to scared to VBAC. I feel the risk to too great, so I have already discussed this with Dr. Calm, and she said she would prefer a c/s but would support a VBAC attempt as long as her insurance allows it. Simply put, any future children will be born by c/s and I am fine with this. Everyone can make their own choices, and this is mine. So I want the VBAC police to keep their judgements off my body. They don't have to deal with the emotional and physical consequences, I do. I know that a failed VBAC would crush me, and I would rather avoid that all together. Bascially, I'll have a nice scheduled C/S, thank you very much. Oh, she wants me to use some "slippery oak" for Sydney's nose cold, and mix it with formula. I pointed out that Sydney is breast fed. Thanks, but I'll skip the weird stuff right now.
4. Life is not meant to be happy and easy. It is a challenge and a grind. We are here to be tested. We are having a hard time at our home right now. Vince's car is broken, needs major brake work done, money is tight. We are on the one car fleet again, and it is so hard to get worked out. He is really struggling with school and ROTC. I got off the pressure wheel, and he got on. He is having a really hard time getting things done. I'm not helping to lessen the pressure, because I want him to get some sleep and spend some time with us. He is having a hard time with his classes. I wish I could just do the work for him, but that would not help him.
5. Krista is one of those people on the internet who you never meet, but changes your life for good. Krista has brain cancer, and had been re-occurance free for 10 months. She has beaten the odds by where she is today. At her last MRI, there was increased growth, and she has to change drugs and hope the new, nastier ones work. I read this today, and it made me so sad. Krista has done made so many positive improvements in so many lives, mine included. I had so prayed that the cancer would disappear, that this trial would be done for her. It just made me sad to read this news. HUGS Krista.