Update from Yesterday

So I had my regular monthly doctor appointment yesterday. My blood pressure was much better, I am not dehydrated, and I am back at my starting weight. All good.

My doctor Julia showed me the 3 page report she was sent from the perinatologist. He wrote tons. She did not really go over it with us, and said that she thought things looked fine. She wanted to keep our visit nice, and I can go worry next week with Dr. Clark at the hospital. Even after my post yesterday, that is fine by me. I know that if I decide I want to see the report, I can just call and get it faxed to me, but then I will be looking up and googling again, and worrying some more, so I'm passing for now. Maybe I'll change my mind, but yesterday was calming, so I'm not blowing it just yet. Watch, I'll have it faxed to me next week.

The baby has moved out of my hip, still transverse, but in a more normal spot. It had a good heart rate and movement. It is still behind on growth, but added a day. I was 19 weeks yesterday, it measured 17 weeks, 6 days. Margin of error at this point on the ultrasound is 7-10 days, so we are just fine. She pointed out that neither of us are very tall or big, so our baby is just going to be a little smaller than the average. She said she would be much more worried if we were big tall people. I'm 5'2, DH is about 5'5. Yao Ming we are not. So out little one will just be a small one, because it comes from small parents. Makes sense to me. Weight wise it is on target. At 19 weeks, weight should be 9 ounces, it weighs about 8, so things are good there (well within the margin of error). The heart beat is steady, strong, and about 140, just right. My amniotic fluid level is much better, dang close to normal. I guess the bath and the very little caffeine and lots of water worked.

Now on to what everyone wants to know, gender. My child is still being very shy and uncooperative. It's cord is currently wrapped between its legs, and the legs were very tightly crossed at the ankles. I have my bet from what I saw on the screen, but I also thought a foot was a hand, so I'm no expert on knowing what I am seeing on the ultrasounds. Vince and I are guessing opposite, so we will just have to wait until next Friday when we go have another level 2. Julia said that the development will be much more clear next week, and we should be able to clearly tell. So no more gender news until next Friday.

Someone asked why not go to a Fetal Fotos place. Well, I'll have had 3 ultrasounds in 3 weeks when I'm done next week, all courtesy of my insurance company. I'll tell you that if we still don't know after the ultrasound next week, I'm headed there. Vince does not want to do that, and my doctor advised against them, but I'm dying to know. (I think that is why I get a "show and tell" ultrasound every visit.)

Worrying again.

I’m having a hard time relaxing and enjoying this pregnancy. I feel like my depression is back with a vengeance. I am taking my meds, which helped me before. I’m functioning and all but I think the stress is just getting to me. I know I should “let go, and let God”. I have been able to do this, but I fluctuate between peace in my soul and depression and stress.

What I am stressed about (and yes, I am sure that some are silly things to worry about.)

1. I am 19 weeks along today. I am not showing at all. I know that this is likely because I was fat when I got pregnant. My email update talked about having a messed up belly button today. Mine looks fine. I am worried this kid is not growing as it should. It seems that everyone else I know is showing. Someone last week asked me if I had the baby already. I said, nope. I know it is likely hiding in my hip, but I still worry if it has enough room to grow and be healthy.
2. I “THINK” I have felt the baby move occasionally. I really worry because I’m not feeling it all the time or even every day. I don’t even know for sure if that is what I felt.
3. I go to the doctor today. I’m worried the amniotic fluid situation or the growth rate will be worse. I worry so much that they will not find a heart beat.
4. I am STILL sick. I worry I am destroying my teeth. I threw up my apple juice this morning. I could catalog the differences in throw up, but will resist the urge.
5. I have had some REALLY bad sciatic pain lately. I had some better days earlier this week, but yesterday was horrible. I could not get into a pain-free position. I slept like crap last night.
6. I’m whining and I know it. I SHOULD be so happy and glowing. Instead I am sick and depressed and worried.
7. I’m worried I will never know what this kid is and I will have to keep wondering forever. I know I’ll find out sooner or later, but I’m getting really anxious on this point.

The small moments of relief when Vince is stroking my belly and talking to the baby, or when I have peace about the baby seem few and far between. I know I am blessed, and I know that worrying and being upset will change nothing. I wish I could stop worrying but I just do.

I feel that I am grieving the loss of the mythical imagined perfect pregnancy. You know, like the ones the movie stars have with the cute bumps and cute clothes and they never vomit in public or wet their pants because they are vomiting. The imagined pregnancy where everything goes well, there are no concerns with the tests, and then she goes on to have a medication free delivery with no episiotomy. The perfect pregnancy with no sciatic pain, loads of free wheeling sex with their partner, and easy sleep. Oh, and they don’t have a job from hell and depression to deal with. You know, the pregnancy I wanted and dreamed about and prayed for during the infertility crap. However I have reality, and while I am so happy I am pregnant, reality rarely lives up to our dreams.
I wish that a magic Fairy could come wave her magic wand and tell me everything is ok. If this is what mother hood is like, I am going to have real problems dealing with being a mom.

Your tax dollars at work, If you live in Utah

So with all the PRESSING things facing the legislature during their 45 day session here in Utah, there is a legislator proposing to rename Hill Air Force Base to Reagan Air Force Base. Not only will this waste time in the very time limited session, if this were to be approved and the base changes its name, think of EVERYTHING on base which would need a name change. What a WASTE of time and energy. To read about this click here. Notice they did not interview a single Democrat or person opposed to this change for the story.

Instead of talking about removing the sales tax on food, lets honor Reagan by changing the name of our Air Force base. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. Lets blow some hard earned tax money on changing street names, freeway exit signs, welcome signs, ID cards, car stickers, letter head, and everything else.

Four

So Faith tagged me on this one, so here goes. And no Trista, I have not forgotten about your tag long ago. You are next.

Four jobs you’ve had in your life:

1. Certified Nurses Assistant in a Nursing home: Paid for college
2. Dishwasher at a catering company: Paid under the table and one free Snapple a shift.
3. Security dispatcher at an amusement park: What Fun is not.
4. Child Welfare Social Worker: My current occupation with loads of stress to go along.

Four movies you could watch over and over:

1. Sound of Music
2. Pirates of the Caribbean
3. Thomas Crown Affair
4. Princess Bride

Four TV shows you love to watch:

1. ER
2. Commander in Chief (Woman Power!)
3. CSI (re-runs included)
4. Grey's Anatomy

Four places you’ve been on vacation:

1. Monterrey Bay
2. San Francisco
3. Acapulco, Mexico
4. Bear Lake, Utah

Four websites you (try to) visit daily:

1. Salt Lake Tribune
2. Blogs to the Left on my screen
3. Web Cams at the Monterrey Bay Aquarium. (My favorite is the bay camera)
4. http://www.Msnbc.com News Junkie here

Four of your favorite foods (foods I am craving with this pregnancy) :

1. Raviolis with Marinara
2. Fry sauce
3. Enchilada Sauce
4. Apple sauce and Juice

Four places you’d rather be:

1. Home
2. Hawaii
3. Monterrey Bay
4. On a cruise

Four albums you can’t live without: (Only 4??)

1. White Album
2. "Mo Tab's" Consider the Lilies of the Field.
3. Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack
4. Mozart CD.

Baby update: Mixed news

So I had a "level 2" ultrasound today. The baby is laying sideways in my body. Its head is tucked deep into my right hip. Notice I said its. While it MAY be a girl, because of how the baby is laying and keeping its legs tight together, the perinatologist is not sure. It might be a girl, he could not get a clear shot, but may have seen labia. I have decided that it must be a girl, because it is already acting obstinate and drawing out the drama by not cooperating.

As I have said this baby is being a pain in the ass, literally. (see my sciatic post for more info). The baby is deciding to lay all screwy and not cooperate with the pictures. They could not really get a good look at the baby's spine. The baby is now measuring 16 weeks 5 days, when I am 18 weeks today. The doctor felt this could be because of bad measurements or because of bad angles. He was not too concerned about this. Since we could not get a clear look at the spine, he could not rule out spina bifida. However in the OK shot he saw of the brain, he did not see a defect in the cerebellum that is almost always present with spina bifida. He could not get that great of a look at the brain, because my right hip was in the way. (kind of need that) We tried having me lay on my side, with no luck. He said he is cautiously optimistic about a positive result for the baby. The heart looks good. The heart rate is good as well. The placenta is posterior on my uterus, but the tech said that is OK. The umbilical cord is good as well. 2 arteries, 1 vein.

So another concern other than the non-view of the spine and the small growth, is that there is a close to low level of amniotic fluid. No way to fix this, I asked if I drank tons and gave up Diet Coke if this would fix this and he said no. He also said this is not caused by my stressful job from hell.

So now we wait. I go for my regular check up next Thursday, and then go back to the perinatologist the Friday after that (on February 3). If the baby is at the same slow rate of growth, then the baby will just be a smaller baby, and nothing to worry about. If the growth has slowed down....

Another reassuring factor (according to the doctor) is that my Alpha Fetal protein levels were off the charts. Usually there is a range for intestinal disorders, and a different range for spinal bifida. I am WAY above those levels. This may be related to the early bleeding I had in my pregnancy. If he can't rule in something, we may never know what the cause was.

So that is the news. Wait and see and pray.

I already love this little one and so want everything to be ok. If things are not ok, I know that I will have help from the Lord to deal with this, and it happened for a reason.

Oh, I meet with my boss from hell tomorrow at 1. Should be a BLAST!! Wish me luck on that one.

Hallelujah

The doctor's appointment for my mom yesterday went very well. The specialist felt there was no cause for concern about the findings on the MRI and Bone scan. He seriously stated there was a 99.9% chance it was NOT cancer. The bone structure and wall is intact. He thinks her red bone marrow cells are distributed out of the ordinary, but nothing to worry about or get concerned. He did not even feel then need for a biopsy.

What a change from Friday, when there was a tumor and she needed to go see the oncologist, who is coming in early, first thing on Tuesday. (Monday was a holiday.)

So I go tomorrow for the ultrasound to get the baby concerns cleared up. I may have felt the baby move, I'm not sure.

More prayers needed here.

Another short post. I currently hate advanced medical technology. Without advanced medical technology, we would have no idea any of our current medical trials are going on. (I know we need to know, but I'm currently blaming this all on the testing.)

My mom was susposed to have ACL (knee) repair surgery on Friday. The cancled it. The MRI and bone scan show a tumor. Likely cancer, but not know. I'm going with her tomorrow to see the orthepedic oncologist. He is coming in early to see her tomorrow so that is not a good sign.

I'll post more when I know more.

Prayers for my mom and for any blessings the Lord could send our way would be good. May I just say that Thursday and Friday were some pretty stressful days.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr I am posting the text to his most famous speech, the "I have a Dream" speech given on August 28, 1963 at the Lincoln Memorial. For audio of this speech click here . He was not a perfect man, however his work did so much to help all those oppressed by the government at that time.

I chose this speech because my mom made us memorize parts of it as we were growing up. She also got a button with a picture of Martin Luther King, Jr on it, with "I have a dream" posted around the picture. She pinned this button into the sun shade in her mini-van, and I saw it there for years. She took it down when she sold the car. It's just one of those things that stick in my memory.

From a PBS documentary yesterday, I learned he was against the Vietnam War. If he was against the Vietnam war, what would he think of our current war? Although current political sentiment is that if you are against the war, you are not a patriot, this gives me another stone in my foundation that this war is not the correct thing to have been started. (Again, I'm not anti-soldier or even anti-war, I have serious concerns about the current conflict in Iraq.)

Begin speech:
I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatics a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizer drug of gradualist. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negroes legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."¹

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,
From every mountainside, let freedom ring!
And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.
Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.
Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.
Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.
Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.
But not only that:
Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.
Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.
Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.
From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Chilling out

After the nice worrying and stress about that test yesterday, I have some reasons to try to relax.

1. My mom had the same test come up positive with my sister Britney. However, this test was still very new at the time, and doctors thought it was 100% accurate. The doctor told my mom to get an immediate abortion. She went and got a second opinion at USC medical center, and they said things were fine. Britney is healthy and normal, including the fact that she is a sophomore in college and a real flake.
2. I told my mom during a break in a meeting. Then I left. She mentioned this to the people there, and 5 other women at that table all tested positive, with no birth defects or problems with their babies. One woman, who just had a baby, said her doctor would not let her have the test.
3. After googling this, I've learned several things. This test has a SUPER high false positive rate. Somewhere between 1 in 16 and 1 in 33 positives turn out to be something. One journal I read about this said that the major side effect of this test is unnecessary stress and worry.
4. If your doctor forgot to tell you to take folic acid, and you end up with a neural tube defect, there are PLENTY of lawyers out there to help you sue. How sue happy are we?
5. 2 co-workers had this test positive and their babies were fine as well.

So my plan while I wait for the ultrasound next Thursday is to relax, try to think positive, and pray. I will pray that everything is OK, and that the test is just one of many false positives. If not, there will be more prayer, planning, googling, and education my way.

The one bright spot is that this means I get the Level 2 ultrasound sooner and should know this kids gender in a less than a week.

The massage did help. On a 1-10 pain scale (10 is the highest) I went from constant pain at a 7 with spikes to 10, down to constant pain at 4 to spikes to 7. I still hurt but I feel better. What I really need now is to be able to shave my legs so I can go swimming, something which should also help this pain.

Needing prayers

This is a short post. If you believe in prayer, I am asking for you to pray for my baby.

My triple screen test came back high for a neural tube defect. My doctor is not worried, but of course I am. I have the test results here, and I am so very worried.

I go see the radiologist next Thursday for the in depth ultrasound. I am praying that this test is one of the 9 out of 10 false positives that this test gives. I'll keep you all updated.

Thank you for your prayers.

I want a new boss.

A couple of days ago, I posted about being burnt out at my job. Well, the burnout remains, but new emotions have risen. I am angry and pissed. (Which I think are different emotions.)

As you may have gathered I have a rather anal and nit-picky supervisor. Things have gotten increasingly worse in the last couple of months. They exploded yesterday. See, every month on the 10th my logs for the previous month are due. I’ve had a REALLY hard time concentrating on ANYTHING, much less boring typing, with the sciatic nerve pain. (Going for a massage tonight.) I know I should stop whining about this, but this REALLY hurts.

Back to the logs. I got some of them done last week. I was approved for “flex time” over the weekend to work on these. However, because of my sciatic nerve pain, the last thing I wanted to do on a weekend was type on my PDA. So I rested and tried to take it really easy rather than drain myself some more for these damn logs.

So Monday I got some done, and I was well and good working on them on Tuesday. I worked really late that night, I even skipped Commander in Chief to get them done. Usually the computers go down at midnight, however, they crashed on me at 11:30. When it crashed, I lost a whole month’s worth of logs on my very last case. Had I gotten to save them, I would have been fine. I emailed my supervisor to let her know of the problem.

So I got home from work about midnight. I could not sleep because I was very upset about not getting my logs in because I have been getting ass chewing’s about getting them in on the 10th.

So I can’t sleep, and I get up really early for me. I arrive at the office at 6:45 am, and finish up all my logs way before she arrives at 8:30. About 9:30, she comes in all serious. Does she shut my door for the “talk”? Nope, leaves it open for all to hear. She say that policy is that my logs get completed 48 hours after the action occurs, and that the last day of the month is the second due date, and that the 10th is a grace period and all my logs should be done before then. The chance I take by being “lazy and procrastinating” is that something will go wrong and they won’t be done. It was a nice motivational speech. She wanted to know why I did not do them on the weekend. I explained that I was in a lot of pain over the weekend, and did not work on them. I said that had Saturday and Sunday been workdays, I very well might have called in sick. She did say that my logs are done very well and of a high quality. I held it together while she was talking to me, but when she left I broke down and cried.

So, even though my performance plan says they are due by the 10th, and she was not delayed in her reading of my logs, I am damned. I meet with her on next Friday to go over my status on paperwork again, and I am sure I will get a memo of understanding, the first step towards correction and termination. I very well may lose being the lead worker on my team. I also know that because of this one thing, I will get a U on my performance evaluation again, even though getting 11 out of 12 months logs in on time is a 91%. Her standard for Satisfactory on the evaluation is perfection, and I am not there. That should be the exceptional area, not Satisfactory. Oh, we may well be getting merit raises this year, so I can kiss that goodbye as well.

Why do I think I am special and deserve a break? I will explain. My adjusted caseload is to be 15 cases. Foster care cases rank at a 1.25, in home at 1 case. In December, when I have that blasted Christmas project on my shoulders, I received 5 new cases, and three of these were foster care, for an adjusted addition of 5.75 cases. My caseload in December was 22 cases. 18 foster care, 4 in home for an adjusted caseload of 26.5 cases. Compared to the standard of 15 adjusted cases, I was carrying as caseload of equal to 1.76 of what my caseload should be. Meaning that there should almost be another full time employee assigned to my caseload to be at standard. So do I think there should be some understanding on this issue? Yes. Should there be some recognition that I am being expected to do the work in 40 hours that should have 70 weekly hours allotted to it? Yes. Will I work 70 hours a week? Hell no.

I made a decision yesterday. I am getting off of her team. I would like to have this happen within 30 days. I would like for this to occur on my terms, meaning I have found a new job. If not, I will begin the process of getting my supervisor changed. About 7 months ago, another co-worker on my team got his supervisor changed. I don’t know all that happened, but I know that she went after his job. I have applied for a new job, and have started making contacts with people I have worked with in different agencies to make networking and get transferred.

My past supervisor, a woman for whom I have great respect, asked me to think about this from different angles. I thought about when this started, and it really started when I let her know I was pregnant. I also stopped hanging out with her while she smokes, or riding with her in her car, where she also smokes. I am avoiding second hand smoke, and am pregnant. I have gotten snide comments that I am too good to ride with her, or something like that. Two of my other co-workers are having problems with her. One’s problems started when he got a new position. Another was caught in the crossfire between her and the other employee who got his supervisor changed, and she said the problem really started when she got back from maternity. I have been getting great pressure to only be off 6 weeks and to be available by phone during my leave. I’m not willing to do that. Could she have some pregnancy issues of her own? Is this because I am a reminder to her that her smoking is dangerous? Don’t know, don’t care. I am getting off her team before performance review time comes in May/June. I am tired of working for someone whose expectations I cannot meet because she wants perfection, and I cannot give that. I feel I give excellent work, but I cannot give perfection, especially when my caseload is so much higher than it should be. I feel I am being punished for the Christmas effort and for being assigned so many extra cases, something that was beyond my control.

While I was writing this, I have a new worry. My “triple screen” test came back high risk for neural tube birth defects. My doctor said she is not worried, but of course I am freaking out. I go see the radiologist next Thursday.

Bye Bye Wendover

So here in Utah, almost everything related to adulthood is illegal. Gambling for starters. Wendover, Nevada and Mesquite, Nevada are two border town built solely for the Utahans to gamble in. The parking lots are FULL of Utah license plates. I am sure the few Nevada plates are the employees.

I know that Mormons are not supposed to gamble, but I LOVE to play blackjack. I can sit at the cheap table and play for hours. I also love Bingo. I've been dying to wear huge Jackie O sunglasses and try my hand at Texas Hold'em poker. I'm not perfect in the gambling is bad respect yet.

So a couple of my co-workers whom I like are planning a Wendover get away this weekend. I was SO excited to go, I even have a room booked. When I called Vince to tell him it was all set, he asked me about the second hand smoke issues and the baby. He wanted me to call the doctor to check this out.

I do call the doctor and talk to her nurse. Turns out, they do not feel that casinos are the greatest place for an expecting mom to be. She kept saying that they could not say it was safe, even if I went out side between each shuffle. Grrrr.

So I called my super liberal friend, who I was sure would say have a nice time. (You can read her partner's blog here.) Umm, nope. She said she avoided smoke like the plague when pregnant. Their donor has an asthma history, so she was super careful. (if I need to remove this, let me know) She said there was no way she would go into a casino at all when she was pregnant. She talked some sense into me, but I was still not ready to listen. She also offered to baby sit when I have the baby so I can go to Wendover when I'm not pregnant. I'll hold her to that. :)

One of the co-workers I was going to go with did the "my mom smoked and I was fine routine" so I was again thinking of going. Then I googled second hand smoke pregnancy. I found this website which says :

Between 70% and 90% of non-smokers in the American population, children and adults, are regularly exposed to secondhand smoke. It is estimated that only 15%
of cigarette smoke gets inhaled by the smoker. The remaining 85% lingers in the air for everyone to breathe. If a person spends more than two hours in a room where someone is smoking, the nonsmoker inhales the equivalent of four cigarettes.

and...

When a pregnant woman is exposed to secondhand smoke, the nicotine she ingests is passed on to her unborn baby. Women who smoke or are exposed to secondhand smoke during pregnancy:
have a higher rate of miscarriages and stillbirths
have an increased risk of low birth weight infants
have children born
with decreased lung function
have children with greater risk of sudden
infant death syndrome (SIDS)

and....

Ventilation systems and designated smoking sections do not protect patrons from ETS(second hand smoke).

So since there is no way I would EVER smoke 4 cigarettes and I do not want to pass on nicotine to my baby, we are staying home. Parenting begins even before birth, and your life changes to protect and cherish your child before you can hold them. Missing a weekend of fun is no price to pay for exposing my little bean to something it has no say in avoiding. The risks are too high.

I won't be pregnant forever, but what happens now can have lifetime effects. It just is not worth the risk. Anyway, the thought of the 2 hour drive to Wendover in a car sounds like torture, as car seats are a torture device designed by the CIA to use on Al-Qaeda with sciatic nerve problems. This does apply to my Oldsmobile.

Now if someone opened a smoke free casino for all the sinning Mormons.....

Fried Social Worker

Here I am admitting this to the world. I was finally able to admit it yesterday in therapy, but I still need to talk of this.

I am a burnt out social worker. I've been burnt out before, and I am back again. I know I am not alone, as a web site called Fried Social Worker points out. I am so overwhelmed by paperwork and nit picking crap that I want to scream. I have so many deadlines and people putting pressure on me I could just spit. I took on a HUGE project over Christmas, coordinating the Sub for Santa effort. Did I get any help with my overwhelming huge case load, no. Did I get any thanks but nice emails and pats on the back, no. What I got was an ass chewing during the week between Christmas and New Years about everything that is going wrong, how badly my paperwork suffered, and how I might lose my promotion if I don't get this fixed now. Gee thanks for all my hard work. Thanks for making this effort one of the biggest programs ever. Thanks for getting all these gifts for children. Your paperwork is bad, you got behind because you lost focus. No notice of the 50 and 60 hours weeks I worked. None.

It is distressing and depressing to be burnt out again. I HAVE to have this job for the money and health insurance aspects, or I would up and quit. I mean that. I am so sick of working here.

I can't even start on the reviews that we go through here. We just finished one for a federal audit, and I am just disgusted by what the reviewers said. I think there must be a special class of anal and disconnected from the real world for federal child welfare reviewers. I've declared that GWB appointed each and every one of them, which I think explains a lot.

According to the Fried Social worker website some of the causes of burnout are:

1. mismanagement
2. Chronic fear of downsizing (They fired a couple of people just before Christmas.)
3. Office politics
4. lack of appreciation
5. Personal Risk.

I only selected those that apply to me. I also am annoyed by being mandated to be available from 8-5 via a cell phone which is shit. I hate that I have to change my voice mail EVERY day and tell people what I am up to that day. One day I'll be honest and say I'm goofing off online and wasting the day.

On my team, I feel that I am the step child, constantly being compared to the better older brother. I am CONSTANTLY reminded that I have paperwork problems when others don't. I don't know why, maybe it is my only way of expressing my displeasure with my situation and my employer.

I am trying to do better and to get this paperwork crap under control. I am so sick of everything, I know I need a vacation. I could not take any time off during the holidays because of the Christmas project, then I was too behind to to take any time off because of their unrealistic rules for taking annual leave. I needed a break and could not get one.

May I just say, that I believe that Mismanagement is one of the biggest reasons I am burnt out. I could write pages on that issue, but I'll defer at the moment.

I know I am rambling here, but I am miserable at my job, and I am caught in a catch 22. I would LOVE to quit, but I can't. I have to have this job. I can't quit. There is so much more I could say, but I'll write that some other time.

Pregnancy sciatic nerve

My beloved Google has failed me. I am in AGONY with sciatic nerve pain. Basically, I googled pregnancy sciatic nerve and got some explanations, and was told that this is here to stay, until the baby is born. YIKES!!! It hurts SO bad, and it is awful. I sit, it hurts, I get up, it hurts. I stand, it hurts. I sit in my car to drive, it hurts. I dare to press the gas or break pedal, it is awful. (Yes, this is my right leg involved.) The pain starts at my mid butt and goes clear to the instep of my foot. Seriously, this is awful. I want some SERIOUS pain medication, but am left with lowly Tylenol. Sometimes the pain is a dull ache, sometimes, it is a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale.

Why I am claiming the great and powerful Google abandoned me? Because I hoped to find some magic, quick fix cure. There is none. Basically, it is what my doctor’s nurse said when I called. Tylenol 1000 mg, every 4 hours. Try hot and cool packs. Do stretches. I did the aforementioned stretches in my office and ended up stranded on the floor, and had to yell for help. The sites do talk about chiropractic and acupuncture care. They also mention massage care. Honestly, at this point, after a VERY painful and unproductive weekend, if someone were to say that dying my hair blue would help, I’d probably give it a try. I’m looking into finding practitioners here in Davis County that do this, and are knowledgeable about pregnancy.

Really, I felt like a complete bum this weekend. The only pain free position, (with the exception of my instep, which always hurt) was lying on my side in bed. I did very little, but what I did hurt.

I think what started this was on Friday night, I decided that I had to get Christmas put away. So we got it all packed up and put in the closet. I did a lot of heavy lifting, even though Vince kept telling me not to. I guess I wanted to prove that I am still a functioning adult and capable of managing work. I work up with this on Saturday, and am paying for my ignoring of my limitations.

See, the thing is, I barely show. I can look not pregnant if I dress right. I think all the excess weight still on me is hiding the baby. So since I don’t look pregnant, I should be able to do whatever I want to right? I don’t want people to think I am taking advantage of being pregnant as an excuse to lie around and be lazy, so I overdo it.

I guess this is one more way my body is telling me I am overdoing it. I just don’t want to listen, and am paying for it now.
Anyone with a sciatic nerve pain relief technique, please post it.

Is this really support?

So another place I waste time online when I should be working is an Army Wives Support web site. Often someone posts that they miss their spouse, fiance, boyfriend, whatever. They may post that they are having a hard time with the separation or worry about him. It seems that whenever someone posts this, or if the nasty posters think this person has complained too much, well they get jumped all over on. One of the sayings they use is "truck up and drive on" or you knew this was part of the military deal. Others say the women are weak or whining. Whenever I catch this, I try to lend extra support to the original poster, and I jump all over those that are telling the woman to stop whining, her husband is only in school, hers is in Baghdad or "At least he can call" or "Remember how it was in the last Gulf War, or think about how horrible communication was in WWII."

When Vince was gone for training last summer, I had a BAD night missing him. I was very lonely and overwhelmed. I missed my husband and I wanted to hug him. So I posted this. I got many supportive and wonderful comments, and I got jumped all over by the nasty crowd. I got told he was just in training, so I don't have the right to worry. HOWEVER, some of my most supportive comments and new internet friends were wives whose significant other WAS deployed. (Hi Danielle!) This seems to be a thread common on military spouses support boards.

So yesterday, someone posted that a poster on another board got attacked for doing something similar. Here is her Post:

First of all, before I start spilling my beans, I'd like to say that everything I'm about to vent about has nothing to do with this support forum, but another one that I also visit every once in a while, so I hope I don't offend anyone on armywives.com. So, I'm reading this post today from a girl fairly new to the Army life and such. Her husband is in the Army Reserves and he hasn't been home for quite some time because his unit got called up to help with all the hurricanes down in the south. She's never experienced a long period of time away from him before and she was just looking for some support and wanting to talk about it to make her feel better. She stated specifically in her post that she hoped that she didn't offend anyone because she knew it could be a lot worse, especially with all of the Soldiers currently deployed overseas and in a lot worse conditions than what her husband is in, so she apologized in advance for anyone that may feel offended.

In any case, a bunch of people started jumping all over her because of her post, telling her that she was so inconsiderate for even posting that, knowing that there were so many others in more horrible conditions all around the world. Now, that being said, I thought that a "support" forum was for that, to get needed "support." This girl was so depressed and upset, she was hoping to get some advice to help her with her feelings and in the end, she ended up feeling 10 times worse. I really don't think it matters which support forum she should go to, her husband is in the Army regardless and she should have the right to state her feelings without getting all jumped on for the way she feels. I thought that all of us Army women were supposed to stick together to get through the hard times, no matter where in the world our men and women are deployed. Regardless, the fact of the matter is that some of the Soldiers, like mine, are in not-so-good conditions while there are others that are more fortunate and are not, but they are all doing their jobs. They have no control over where they end up; they go where they are told to go, period! Therefore, I don't think it's right of them to sit there and lecture her about what she should and shouldn't be posting. Some of the women on there are a lot more experienced in the deployment and separation aspect of Army life while some are not and that's why she posted that, to get help with how she was feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I just think they could have went about posting how pissed off they were a different way. Anyway, I guess I could keep going on and on about this issue, and if some of you disagree with me, that's fine, but please don't make this into a debate as that's not what I'm intending here. I'm simply just wanting to get out my feelings on what I saw transpired on the other site. Oh, I feel better now!

So after her post, several people posted for the picked on person to come on over, and get some support. Then this post arrived....

While I understand what you are writing, I am going to put another spin on it for you. I do get upset when I hear a spouse complaining about a short-term deployment. Why? Not just because others have it worse, although many times that is the case and some should think of their audience before complaining. The main reason I usually say something to the affect of, "suck it up and drive on" is because the Army is a tough life for a family. And, if you don't start out in
the mindset that deployments and separations are part of this lifestyle, then you will be miserable the whole time your spouse is in the military. Yes, we could all bitch and moan about separations...and everyone has their days when it finally gets to them; however, it's imperative at this point that a spouse looks outward instead of inward. When I start feeling this way (and this week is one of those times...when everyone in the house is sick), I think about my DH, who
is away from his family, friends, and everything that he knows as being good in this world. Do I have a right to be sad and depressed? Sure....but those are such negative emotions that I am not going to spend a year or more of my life in that state. What good does it do anyone? So...should we be supportive of those who come to a website looking for a shoulder to lean on? Sure...but we also owe them the courtesy of being truthful about how we see things, as well.

So, after that SO Supportive post, I had it. Here is what I wrote.

I am SO SICK of this attitude. Suck it up and drive on is WORTHLESS to someone who is lonely, scared and alone. They need to be listened to and told they can get through this. It appears that the woman in question DID think about her audience. So we need to start a board for people who's spouses are only gone on short term deployments? How about another one for people's spouses gone to BCT AIT or OCS? Or spouses who are gone for a really long time, but are not in a lot of danger, say posted in LA or Kuwait. I mean come on. Whenever they are gone, it is harder on the spouse. It seems our cars ALWAYS break down on the weekend that DH has drill, and I have to deal with it by myself.

You can mentally KNOW that separations are part of the lifestyle, and you can mentally prepare, but emotionally things can be different. It's like knowing that a loved ones death ends their pain and suffering, but you still miss them and grieve. To a different extent, it is the same idea. The mind KNOWS something, but the heart FAILS to get the message.

When DH was gone for training, some of the most supportive and helpful people were ones whose spouses are in Iraq. They were able to listen and give me coping techniques that worked. I listened to them. I got through it, and know I can do it again, and for longer when I have to. I posted about him being gone when I was very low about him being gone, and I got the "I'm worse off attitude", "At least he is not deployed," blah blah stuff. Yes these are all true, but at that moment, I was lonely and worried for DH. EVERY separation has its own individual stresses and trials. I did get some wonderful support, but the less than supportive posts made me wonder if there was something wrong of me, or if I was not made for this. I have learned that I am made for this, I can do this, but it sucks and will be hard when he is gone.

There are those whose relationships are tailor made for separations. My friend's relationship with her DH is one of those. They live fairly independent lives. There are those whose relationships are not made for this, and it is a huge adjustment. Does this make them weak, crappy army wives, or whiners? No, it just is different and they need to know they can adjust and be OK. Some of us were not raised military, so the first time we know separations are in our own marriages. Nothing in my life prepared me for this, other than reading books on it and what I have learned from other women on here. Had I not asked, I would not have learned. So while telling someone that this is what they signed up for and get over it may be useful to some, I would just ask that those with that attitude leave those that are hurting alone. I know of SEVERAL present and former members who have been jumped on.

OP, I would tell her to come on over. I will listen to her and not judge. (Did not mean to thread jack, but that post just irked me.)

Now, may I just say, that the person I am responding to, is often a downer person, and has no tolerance for weakness in anyone else. She is one who ripped on me. Honestly, I think she has her OWN issues to deal with about being a military spouse, namely that she hates it, and rather than do something about it, would rather try to make everyone else miserable too.

She did respond to me.... I have not come up with my response yet.
Here is her response....

Yeah...and whining gets you what??? I'm not saying you can't have a bad day and that it can't suck. I'm saying you can make a choice in how you are going to handle situations. You can CHOOSE to be miserable or you can CHOOSE to make the best of it. Whine if you want...I find it completely unproductive....and in the long run detrimental to my mental health.

My response will be something along the lines of if she does not like the topic on that thread, to move on and leave others alone.

So if you read this far and can understand my meandering blog entry, am I right? Or am I a wuss? Is her "truck up and drive on" attitude a better coping technique than acknowledging and dealing with your emotions? For my 3 readers, and I know there are more out there, comments on this so I get others points of view would be great.

What BUSH stands for...

So I stole this from Carrot Top the annoying red headed comedian whom I find hilarious. He did those 1-800-Call ATT ads. He was on the Tonight Show last night....

Bush stands for....

B = Being
U = Under
S = Surveillance
H = Heavily

It made me laugh. But is this funny? Or is it too true and scary? You decide.

New Years Resolutions?

I swear, I will do better at writing here. I have people who come every day, and I have written nothing new for them to read. I have tons to write about every day, and fail to write any thing.

Taking a page from Faith I will write a list of new years resolutions I will actually be able to keep:

1) I will spend too much at the following stores: Costco, Barnes and Noble, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and Target.
2) I will continue to be conflicted about Wal-Mart, and then go shopping there.
3) I will waste time at my job online.
4) I will get behind on my paperwork at work.
5) I will throw up regularly (having pretty bad morning sickness here)
6) I will stay up late and sleep in.
7) I will drive too fast and pass on the right.
8) I will obsess about buying a super expensive heavily marketed as being super safe car seat over a likely just as safe, but affordable one.
9) My car and office will be a mess.
10) I will eat out too much.
11) I will re-read great books over and over.
12) I will buy Harry Potter on DVD when it comes out.
13) I will resist the urge to write to JK Rowling and tell her to hurry it up already with book 7.
14) I will write in my blog more regularly.
15) I will continue to get bi-weekly waxing done.
16) I will continue to struggle with balancing work and home.


So there is my list. Pretty straight forward, huh. I am so drained about my job right now, I could scream. I need to write about that, so I will, but not on the work computer. (Or maybe I will write it on Word, and then post it from home.) J

Happy New Year Everyone!!!