Is this really support?

So another place I waste time online when I should be working is an Army Wives Support web site. Often someone posts that they miss their spouse, fiance, boyfriend, whatever. They may post that they are having a hard time with the separation or worry about him. It seems that whenever someone posts this, or if the nasty posters think this person has complained too much, well they get jumped all over on. One of the sayings they use is "truck up and drive on" or you knew this was part of the military deal. Others say the women are weak or whining. Whenever I catch this, I try to lend extra support to the original poster, and I jump all over those that are telling the woman to stop whining, her husband is only in school, hers is in Baghdad or "At least he can call" or "Remember how it was in the last Gulf War, or think about how horrible communication was in WWII."

When Vince was gone for training last summer, I had a BAD night missing him. I was very lonely and overwhelmed. I missed my husband and I wanted to hug him. So I posted this. I got many supportive and wonderful comments, and I got jumped all over by the nasty crowd. I got told he was just in training, so I don't have the right to worry. HOWEVER, some of my most supportive comments and new internet friends were wives whose significant other WAS deployed. (Hi Danielle!) This seems to be a thread common on military spouses support boards.

So yesterday, someone posted that a poster on another board got attacked for doing something similar. Here is her Post:

First of all, before I start spilling my beans, I'd like to say that everything I'm about to vent about has nothing to do with this support forum, but another one that I also visit every once in a while, so I hope I don't offend anyone on armywives.com. So, I'm reading this post today from a girl fairly new to the Army life and such. Her husband is in the Army Reserves and he hasn't been home for quite some time because his unit got called up to help with all the hurricanes down in the south. She's never experienced a long period of time away from him before and she was just looking for some support and wanting to talk about it to make her feel better. She stated specifically in her post that she hoped that she didn't offend anyone because she knew it could be a lot worse, especially with all of the Soldiers currently deployed overseas and in a lot worse conditions than what her husband is in, so she apologized in advance for anyone that may feel offended.

In any case, a bunch of people started jumping all over her because of her post, telling her that she was so inconsiderate for even posting that, knowing that there were so many others in more horrible conditions all around the world. Now, that being said, I thought that a "support" forum was for that, to get needed "support." This girl was so depressed and upset, she was hoping to get some advice to help her with her feelings and in the end, she ended up feeling 10 times worse. I really don't think it matters which support forum she should go to, her husband is in the Army regardless and she should have the right to state her feelings without getting all jumped on for the way she feels. I thought that all of us Army women were supposed to stick together to get through the hard times, no matter where in the world our men and women are deployed. Regardless, the fact of the matter is that some of the Soldiers, like mine, are in not-so-good conditions while there are others that are more fortunate and are not, but they are all doing their jobs. They have no control over where they end up; they go where they are told to go, period! Therefore, I don't think it's right of them to sit there and lecture her about what she should and shouldn't be posting. Some of the women on there are a lot more experienced in the deployment and separation aspect of Army life while some are not and that's why she posted that, to get help with how she was feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I just think they could have went about posting how pissed off they were a different way. Anyway, I guess I could keep going on and on about this issue, and if some of you disagree with me, that's fine, but please don't make this into a debate as that's not what I'm intending here. I'm simply just wanting to get out my feelings on what I saw transpired on the other site. Oh, I feel better now!

So after her post, several people posted for the picked on person to come on over, and get some support. Then this post arrived....

While I understand what you are writing, I am going to put another spin on it for you. I do get upset when I hear a spouse complaining about a short-term deployment. Why? Not just because others have it worse, although many times that is the case and some should think of their audience before complaining. The main reason I usually say something to the affect of, "suck it up and drive on" is because the Army is a tough life for a family. And, if you don't start out in
the mindset that deployments and separations are part of this lifestyle, then you will be miserable the whole time your spouse is in the military. Yes, we could all bitch and moan about separations...and everyone has their days when it finally gets to them; however, it's imperative at this point that a spouse looks outward instead of inward. When I start feeling this way (and this week is one of those times...when everyone in the house is sick), I think about my DH, who
is away from his family, friends, and everything that he knows as being good in this world. Do I have a right to be sad and depressed? Sure....but those are such negative emotions that I am not going to spend a year or more of my life in that state. What good does it do anyone? So...should we be supportive of those who come to a website looking for a shoulder to lean on? Sure...but we also owe them the courtesy of being truthful about how we see things, as well.

So, after that SO Supportive post, I had it. Here is what I wrote.

I am SO SICK of this attitude. Suck it up and drive on is WORTHLESS to someone who is lonely, scared and alone. They need to be listened to and told they can get through this. It appears that the woman in question DID think about her audience. So we need to start a board for people who's spouses are only gone on short term deployments? How about another one for people's spouses gone to BCT AIT or OCS? Or spouses who are gone for a really long time, but are not in a lot of danger, say posted in LA or Kuwait. I mean come on. Whenever they are gone, it is harder on the spouse. It seems our cars ALWAYS break down on the weekend that DH has drill, and I have to deal with it by myself.

You can mentally KNOW that separations are part of the lifestyle, and you can mentally prepare, but emotionally things can be different. It's like knowing that a loved ones death ends their pain and suffering, but you still miss them and grieve. To a different extent, it is the same idea. The mind KNOWS something, but the heart FAILS to get the message.

When DH was gone for training, some of the most supportive and helpful people were ones whose spouses are in Iraq. They were able to listen and give me coping techniques that worked. I listened to them. I got through it, and know I can do it again, and for longer when I have to. I posted about him being gone when I was very low about him being gone, and I got the "I'm worse off attitude", "At least he is not deployed," blah blah stuff. Yes these are all true, but at that moment, I was lonely and worried for DH. EVERY separation has its own individual stresses and trials. I did get some wonderful support, but the less than supportive posts made me wonder if there was something wrong of me, or if I was not made for this. I have learned that I am made for this, I can do this, but it sucks and will be hard when he is gone.

There are those whose relationships are tailor made for separations. My friend's relationship with her DH is one of those. They live fairly independent lives. There are those whose relationships are not made for this, and it is a huge adjustment. Does this make them weak, crappy army wives, or whiners? No, it just is different and they need to know they can adjust and be OK. Some of us were not raised military, so the first time we know separations are in our own marriages. Nothing in my life prepared me for this, other than reading books on it and what I have learned from other women on here. Had I not asked, I would not have learned. So while telling someone that this is what they signed up for and get over it may be useful to some, I would just ask that those with that attitude leave those that are hurting alone. I know of SEVERAL present and former members who have been jumped on.

OP, I would tell her to come on over. I will listen to her and not judge. (Did not mean to thread jack, but that post just irked me.)

Now, may I just say, that the person I am responding to, is often a downer person, and has no tolerance for weakness in anyone else. She is one who ripped on me. Honestly, I think she has her OWN issues to deal with about being a military spouse, namely that she hates it, and rather than do something about it, would rather try to make everyone else miserable too.

She did respond to me.... I have not come up with my response yet.
Here is her response....

Yeah...and whining gets you what??? I'm not saying you can't have a bad day and that it can't suck. I'm saying you can make a choice in how you are going to handle situations. You can CHOOSE to be miserable or you can CHOOSE to make the best of it. Whine if you want...I find it completely unproductive....and in the long run detrimental to my mental health.

My response will be something along the lines of if she does not like the topic on that thread, to move on and leave others alone.

So if you read this far and can understand my meandering blog entry, am I right? Or am I a wuss? Is her "truck up and drive on" attitude a better coping technique than acknowledging and dealing with your emotions? For my 3 readers, and I know there are more out there, comments on this so I get others points of view would be great.