I’m having a hard time relaxing and enjoying this pregnancy. I feel like my depression is back with a vengeance. I am taking my meds, which helped me before. I’m functioning and all but I think the stress is just getting to me. I know I should “let go, and let God”. I have been able to do this, but I fluctuate between peace in my soul and depression and stress.
What I am stressed about (and yes, I am sure that some are silly things to worry about.)
- I am 19 weeks along today. I am not showing at all. I know that this is likely because I was fat when I got pregnant. My email update talked about having a messed up belly button today. Mine looks fine. I am worried this kid is not growing as it should. It seems that everyone else I know is showing. Someone last week asked me if I had the baby already. I said, nope. I know it is likely hiding in my hip, but I still worry if it has enough room to grow and be healthy.
- I “THINK” I have felt the baby move occasionally. I really worry because I’m not feeling it all the time or even every day. I don’t even know for sure if that is what I felt.
- I go to the doctor today. I’m worried the amniotic fluid situation or the growth rate will be worse. I worry so much that they will not find a heart beat.
- I am STILL sick. I worry I am destroying my teeth. I threw up my apple juice this morning. I could catalog the differences in throw up, but will resist the urge.
- I have had some REALLY bad sciatic pain lately. I had some better days earlier this week, but yesterday was horrible. I could not get into a pain-free position. I slept like crap last night.
- I’m whining and I know it. I SHOULD be so happy and glowing. Instead I am sick and depressed and worried.
- I’m worried I will never know what this kid is and I will have to keep wondering forever. I know I’ll find out sooner or later, but I’m getting really anxious on this point.
The small moments of relief when Vince is stroking my belly and talking to the baby, or when I have peace about the baby seem few and far between. I know I am blessed, and I know that worrying and being upset will change nothing. I wish I could stop worrying but I just do.
I feel that I am grieving the loss of the mythical imagined perfect pregnancy. You know, like the ones the movie stars have with the cute bumps and cute clothes and they never vomit in public or wet their pants because they are vomiting. The imagined pregnancy where everything goes well, there are no concerns with the tests, and then she goes on to have a medication free delivery with no episiotomy. The perfect pregnancy with no sciatic pain, loads of free wheeling sex with their partner, and easy sleep. Oh, and they don’t have a job from hell and depression to deal with. You know, the pregnancy I wanted and dreamed about and prayed for during the infertility crap. However I have reality, and while I am so happy I am pregnant, reality rarely lives up to our dreams.
I wish that a magic Fairy could come wave her magic wand and tell me everything is ok. If this is what mother hood is like, I am going to have real problems dealing with being a mom.
3 comments:
There's no such thing as that lovely perfect pregnancy, mine sucked, do you hear me SUCKED. I was in pain, sick and generally miserable for the whoel 9 months. THere was a brief respite somewhere aroung 6 months where I had a cute belly and could still move around, but the rest - SUCKED.
Don't worry about worrying, everyone worries, all the fears you list went through my head too, honestly, it's preparation for when they come out and you poke them to see if they'e breathing thereby waking them up and having to deal with a squealing infant for another 2 hours.
I'm not dismissing your worries at all, just raising my arm to say, I hear you.
Did you go for a massage?
I'm sending happy thoughts your way.
Thanks for the kind words. My doctor visit was reassuring yesterday. I think the bath helped with the amniotic fluid level, because it was much better. I'll do more of that.
I did get a massage. It helped but was fairly expensive for about 2 days of partial relief. I got better results soaking in my tiny tub and emptying the hot water heater to keep the tub full. My MIL and good friend both have huge tubs I can go take baths in.
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