And she's off...

Sorry for the silence. I have been exausted. I am really tired, and when I am not pumping or at the NICU, I go home and crash.

Pumping has become a real chore. I went and spent $120 at a breast speciality store to get some decent bras and pump supplies. They are really nice there, so if you are in Utah, here is a free shout out to them. The store is Lace by Louise and she will get you measured so your bra will actually fit. The bras are well worth the price, as I'm into speciality sizes, (36G) and it is so nice having a bra that actually supports and fits after the crappy one I bought at a pregnancy speciality store. I got some other breast feeding supplies as well.

Had ups and downs lately. I had an anxiety attack on the way back from the bra store. Before I married, I was headed home with my dad. I had said something that made him mad, and he proceded to road rage with me hostage in the passenger seat. It was dark and rainy, and we were going at least 75. He then refused to let me out of the car, and I sat there terrified for 20 minutes while he drove home. I got PTSD from this. Since then, I have had problems trusting others to drive the car I am in. Vince gets the brunt of this. I worked through this with my therapist, and have been doing MUCH better at not back seat driving him, not looking for the imaginary brake on the passenger seat. However today, was a BAD day on that front. We had been in heavy traffic on the way back, and he then missed our exit. We then ended up having to wait in a really long line to get off at the next one. I felt he had nearly hit the truck in front of us several time, by roaring up. Then a car cut in, and made him mad. He said something like he wished he could just hit an idiot like that. Well, that just set me off, and I told him not to, and started to shake and cry. His feeling were hurt, and then he over-exagerated being extra safe. Thankfully, we were almost home, because I needed to get out. We talked about this, and I reminded him of the PTSD, and that I was told it could flare up in times of extreme stress. I think we are ok on this now. Not sure.

Anyway, I have good news. Sydney gained 39 grams on Sunday, and yesterday, she passed her birth weight!!! She weighed 1279 grams at birth, and 1285 yesterday!!!! They wanted her to reach this by Saturday, so she is ahead of schedule. Last night, after her bath, she stayed wide awake for her bottle, and nippled 16cc's from it. A new record of how much she took from her bottle. She was awake for a long time last night. It was so nice to see. She has actually been more alert in the last 24 hours. My mom went for her 3pm feeding, and she was looking forward to awake Sydney, but she slept through that. Oh well. I've been trying to either find an online place I can make a weight chart for her, or figure out how and where to post one of my own. I would like to be able to share her progress with everyone.

We got her bath time moved to 9pm, so we can be there. Yeah. I'm getting better at asserting that I want to do her cares, and not just let the nurse do them. I gave her bath last night. Her little body is starting to plump up and she is starting to look more human. Now if only her ears would move up into place....

Had a PKU scare. They are running new tests here in Utah, which preemies come up false positive most of the time. If the baby is under 1500 grams, the test simply comes back positive. None of the repeat screens have come back as a diagnosis. Slightly holding my breath on this one.

I posted this on one of the email lists I'm on...

I also got to kangarro hold her today. (This is skin to skin holding) It was SO nice to feel her moving on my body. Her little feet got tucked into my bra, and it was a bit like when she was moving inside of me. I really, really miss my kicking buddy. I think this is because when she was in me, I was in charge. I knew where she was and how she was doing all the time. She was right there with me, and I could talk to her and feel her moving. I'm really feeling cheated out of a "regular pregnancy, birth, and baby".

I have this serious desire to get pregnant right away, ala Britney Spears. The thing is, I know that a healthy pregnancy and baby won't fill in the void I feel right now. It won't undo the trauma of this pregnancy. It won't replace the grief I'm feeling over having a sick baby.

I hate how this hospital is set up. I can either walk across the entire hospital, or take the much shorter route through the birthing center. I walk in the doors I walked in the last time she was with me. I walk by the nursery she never go to sleep in. I walk by the room I stayed in, where she never was. I walk by the doors to the c-section operating room, where she was removed from my body 6 weeks early. I ache over these loses, and I know they are catching up with me. I did the walk across the hospital the other day, it wore me out. I also know that there is no guarantee I will have a healthy pregnancy, and I CAN'T do this again right away.

I'm having good days and bad days in the NICU. I think a lot of it has to do with the nurse on. She does not have primary nurses, at least not that I've noticed. I'm frustrated at differences that happen each shift.

I'm also SICK of pumping. I really am tired of washing that pump so often. I can't just rinse it out between uses like normal people, we have to scrub it. Seriously, I've run the dishwasher 3 times today with clean dishes in it because I just don't want to wash the pump by hand. DH is sick of this too. I've really been pushing today to get up to 9 pumps a day. This is hard with going to the NICU twice a day. I do pump there, but sometimes the envoronment is so poor, I just can't.I think the stress is really starting to drain us. He is tired, and is helping out less and less at home. He has been wonderful, but I can tell he'd like it if I was not so tired all the time. I know the c section has caught up.

Going to the NICU in the AM drains me. I come home, collapse and wake up to pump. I am very committed to breast feeding, but I would really like to be feeding Sydney, not monkeying with a cold plastic pump at 3am.

I want to spend more time there, but am finding I have a limit on being there. I can't stand more than about 2 hours at a time. I guess I need to get out and see the sun. It is very "casino" like in the NICU, almost designed to have you forget there is a separate world out there. Only a casino is much more fun, you get free drinks, and get to blow your money at black jack. In the NICU, you get to sit there and watch your child lay there, basically told you've had your time to touch, just sit there.