I need to vent. I have said these words to my husband. I don't want to add to his pain right now. I know he is in as much pain as I am over this.
I miss my daughter. Are you really a mother if you can take a shower in peace 5 days postpartum? How about go out to dinner and have a conversation? Are you really a mother when you have not seen your little one for 2 days, 3 hours, 16 minutes? Are you a mom when you cannot get over the feeling that you have lost something, that you have abandoned something precious?
How will the baby remember me? She has so many caregivers. Now Vince is her only one continuous person to see her. She will think I am another nurse come to poke her and put her under bright blue lights.
I am terrified my baby will forget me. I had taken such pleasure in how she would respond to my touch over the nurses. Now I have disappeared. How will she ever trust me again when I have disappeared when she needs me the most? How will she know that she can depend on me to be there for her when I am not there for her now? How will she know how much I love her when I cannot hold and comfort her?
I am terrified I will forget her. I had fallen in such love with her. My arms ache to hold her. I want to run into the hospital, grab her, and run home. I want to forget this awful hell where others tell you when you can and cannot see, touch, and smell your baby. Simply, I know I have detached. I have had to. I was so desperate when I was told I was banned, I had to let her go. Can I get her back? Will I be a distant and cold mother because I could not bear to be in such emotional agony? I see her in the videos and pictures, and she makes me smile, but in a different way. I cannot explain this. It is like something precious and wonderful was given to me for a few minutes of joy, and then ripped away with them saying this is a mistake, sorry.
I want this all to be over. I want my baby to be screaming in her bed, so I can't blog. I want to be sleep deprived because my baby is up, not because I cannot sleep. I want my 12 weeks of FMLA leave back, not wondering how I will ever get some time with her because of the NICU. I want to hold her and love her. Someone else is feeding and bathing her. Someone else put her first bow on her head. Someone else is comforting her. She is being cared for by strangers, not by her loving parents.
I want my full 40 weeks of pregnancy. I don't want to have had such intensive monitoring. I want to feel her move inside of me again. I miss that so much. I keep reaching down, and she is not there. I am so lonely without her. She and I should be together for another 5 weeks today. I look as pregnant today as the day I had her, which is to say, not very pregnant. I just look fat, but with no baby to show for it, except in pictures.
I want to shout and holler at someone. I want to go one day without crying. I'd take one half a day. I have held her so little. I wanted to touch her when she was born. I wanted to hold her all messy. I wanted to be big and fat, not be told the day before I have a baby I don't look pregnant by stupid and insensitive people.
I wanted a normal pregnancy and labor. I never felt a contraction. Most of my prenatal appointments were filled with dread about what bad news we would get this time. I'd like to delete the fear I felt every time I was tested until she began to move so I could feel her. Because of her size, I felt her move late, and once that started, at least I knew she was alive. I should not have had to discuss my complete objection to termination with doctors.
I want to take my baby home and hold her to my hearts content. I want to forget this is happening. I want this to happen to someone else. I want this to happen to no one. I want to shout at the nurses. I want to shout at God. I want to shout at everyone having a normal pregnancy. I want to yell and scream and hit. I cry and ache instead.
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5 comments:
I wish I had some moving words to say to help you get through this. I'm sure that everything you are feeling is normal for what you are going through right now. I do know that you are a mother, that Sydney will not forget you and although these next few weeks may be rough, they will come to an end. You will have Sydney home and the three of you will be a family. Sending tons of positive thoughts, prayers and good wishes from Provo.
Please know that it will get better. I won't say it will get easier, though. I really hope she doesn't have to be in the NICU very long. You should have some say on who gets to bathe her. In the 55 days my DD was in the NICU, we made sure we gave her every bath. Be as involved as they'll let you be! We learned everything about DD before she came home - her signs of hunger, her sleep patterns, etc. She was in an isolette (incubator) for 52 of those days. That we never got used to.
As time goes on, there are other things to prepare for. There is always going to be a baby growing faster than yours, always going to seem like someone else's baby is getting discharged. Please have faith that Sydney's turn will come, but not until she's ready. Remember the NICU is the next best place to your belly (maybe even better, in your case). I continue to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I wish I could say something that would help you through. I am so sorry this is happening to you and to Sydney. All I can send is love, prayers, and hugs. I know the Lord is with you. He will bless you and Sydney (BTW, she is GORGEOUS!). And Sydney will always be attached to you and know you are her mom. She was inside you. She knows your voice, your smell. She will know you when you return. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Wendy, you are a mother, and you have been greatly blessed. I hope you find some peace as you're moving through these difficult ordeals. It must be agonizing to have gone through all of the infertility trials, and then have more trials in bringing your daughter to this earth. I don't know what else to say, but I'm sending my love.
Wendy you are a Mother, the rage and anger you are feeling at being separated from your child is proof that you are her Mother and will always be. I wish this was easier for you, I wish Sydney was at home squealing in her bed for you to come and feed her or hold her or sing to her, I hope that will happen soon.
Congratulations again, Sydney knows who you are, she will love you as much as you love her, she does already.
Stay strong, sending you good wishes,
Bo
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