I hate pumping.

There I said it.

I hate pumping.
I love nursing.
I just hate pumping.

I had to pump from the very start. There has rarely been a day, except for a few weekends, when I have not pumped daily. My job is much more compatible with pumping and I even have a lock on my door. It's not a logistical issue anymore for pumping problems. It is emotional.

Until about 2 months ago, I had quite the stash of breast milk, pumped from when Sydney was in the NICU eating about 8 ounces a day and I was pumping 30. That milk lasted forever, it seemed. I had tons. I had it stashed at my mom's house, and we could not have ice cream, because there was no room in the freezer for it. So once Sydney was home and finally nursing, I only pumped at work. I would get about 12 ounces a day or so, but this never bothered me, as I had PLENTY to use. I'm down to 8 ounces or less a day. Part of that is because I only pump, and I pump late in the day, but I just can't emotionally "get it up" for pumping 3 times a day.

I now have no stash. I'm only a day ahead, because I forgot to take her milk to day care one day last week. Thankfully R had a frozen bag there, because my day was so hectic, I had no time to get more to her. R tried to feed Sydney the formula recommended by our pediatrician, and Sydney refused to eat it.

Thankfully Sydney eats most of her solids at day care. She gets about 8 ounces of breast milk there, and nurses a lot at home. She eats solids at about 8:30 right before going to bed. Her weight gain is good, so we think this is working out ok. She is not going hungry or thirsty at day care, we make sure of that. R said Sydney really loves my milk.

I want to stop pumping. I hate it. Then I remember Sydney loves my milk. I had thought about stopping pumping if she took formula ok, just at day care, but she refused formula.

I feel a bit trapped.

I love that she loves my milk. It is a way I can take care of her even when I'm away. R said my milk settles her down for a nap.

I just hate pumping.

I made a goal to get to one year of nursing when I had Sydney. I have no intentions of stopping nursing at a year. She loves it, I love it, and it is the ONLY way I know how to get her to sleep. My goal has changed. I'll get to a year pumping, then stop. I need a goal to get me through this.

I know this is completely selfish, but this is how I'm feeling. Pumping reminds me of how I had to start pumping for a tiny baby, rather than nursing her. It has a lot of emotional baggage attached to it.