Infertility, war, and pain.

I have such mixed feelings right now. (K&T, this is not about you, I am so happy for you.) Two of my friends just had a lovely baby girl. She is so cute and cuddly. She has a lot of cute silky black hair. She is so precious.

So I go to see them at the Hospital. (“Gotta go see the baby”, Seinfeld reference.) They were so happy. The baby has jaundice, and has to be under the lights. She does not like being there, she wants to be held and cuddled. So, after I got there she got really fussy, and I got to hold her for a bit. It was heaven holding such a new life. I cuddled her tight and told her she was loved. She calmed right down, not because she knew me or anything like that, but because she was being held. I sat and rocked her for about 10 minutes. I looked at her little face and she is so pretty. Her eyes are purple. The nurse came in, and I basically bolted from the room. I think I might have been rude for how fast I took off. I made a lame excuse and gave the baby back and bolted.

Here is why. The baby is a biracial baby. She looked almost exactly what I have pictured DH’s and my baby to look like. The features were different, but she is the same coloring and hair type as I have imagined that my baby will look like.

See, DH and I have tried to have a baby for years. In summary, here are our attempts:

2 year Anniversary: We decide to stop taking the pill, and let nature take it’s course. I temp and chart until I get mad one morning and throw the thermometer across the room.

2 years later: I contact a reproductive endocrinologist. He has a 6-month wait to see him. While I wait, my GP refers me over to the OB/GYN at the clinic. DH has a semen analysis, which said he is fine I get loads of tests run. I have a GTT, tons of blood work, and then a hysterosalpingram(HSG). It was super painful and uncomfortable. It showed that I have a deformed uterus. (Something an earlier ultrasound had shown, but no one had told me this.) I google this, and then demand a MRI. I get the MRI. The nurse practioner who I had been seeing kept saying I had a bicorniate uterus, and there was nothing to be done. But she also said that I had a septate uterus, and there are things that can be done about this. Basically, my uterus had a big ol’ septum in it, like the one in your nose. I’ve had it since birth, but it was growing. It was so big, there was no way that sperm could get anywhere near an egg, if it had wanted to. The septum was curled around blocking the cervix. . My periods would start, stop, and start again based on where the septum was. I now know that I could feel the dang thing. The RN wanted me to try a clomid cycle, to see if I would ovulate and get pregnant, and to see how long the pregnancy would last. Well, knowing that I have a huge thing in there taking space, I declined to be her human experiment. What if I had gotten pregnant and lost the pregnancy?

About then is when we meet with the RE. He think the septum can be fixed and wants more tests. Fun with another semen analysis. I have a septate uterus, not a bicorniate one.

April, 2004 I have surgery to fix my septate uterus.

September 2004 I have pain in that area. I think I have a cyst. I am off BCP for the first time in months, TTC. After an ultrasound, I meet with the doctor. He asks how I am doing, and I am honest. I am a wreck. I have had depression in the past, and it is back full gear. Back on the BCP while the depression is worked out. I start therapy and medication.

December 2004: at the Christmas party for DH’s military unit, they say if you want to procreate now is the time before a possible deployment. I am not ready at this time.

April 2005: I have foot surgery.

June 2005: DH leaves for a month for military training.

August 2005: We decide to TTC next month, after I get some things checked out. Then he goes to drill. They state in formation that a deployment is coming January to March. Bombshell.

If I were to get pregnant now, I would be by myself for the entire pregnancy and first year of our child’s life. DH would miss everything. He would come home to find drastic changes in our lives. He would come home to a child he does not know, and who does not know him. He would come home to a wife who has never been a wife and mother together. He would come home to find his wife is now a mother, and she has changed. He would be a father and husband, never having been both together, and basically having a year off from doing both at the same time. He is looking at a 12-18 month deployment, or however long the army keeps him there. He might not come home. He could come home wounded, with PTSD, or both.

We had a hard enough time with adjusting when he came home after a month, and nothing major happened. I don’t think that the transition to him being home with a new child, wife who’s now a mother, and he’s a father to a child who is in prime clinging stage would be successful at all. On top of this, we would have the baggage of the deployment to deal with. A great fear is that he would never really bond with the baby, want another one quickly, and then bond with the second baby. All this is assuming that we have no TTC difficulties.

I don’t know if my marriage is strong enough to survive all that. Our marriage is strong, but that seems like a lot to deal with.

I have realized there is the high probability that I will not have children until I am 30. I likely have another 2 years of being childless. That is so hard to handle. I am ready now. Things that were not right, are right now. Why this wrench? Why this struggle? What do I further have to learn from this trial? Why is God giving us this trial?

I realized that I am grieving. Grieving for the child I hoped to have in 9 months. Grieving for the thought of my husband going to fight in a war I do not agree with. Grieving for my life as it was. Grieving for the fairy tail. Grieving for the pregnancy I want to have. Grieving for the time that was lost because of health needs. Grieving for the time that was spent getting me better emotionally. Grieving for my longed for, imagined child.

I’m also thinking the “what ifs”. What if I had not had the septum problem? What if I had not gotten depressed? What if DH was not in the military? What if GWB had not started this damn war so he could get re-elected? What if DH dies? What if DH gets wounded? What if DH gets PTSD so bad we can no longer be together, or it is no longer safe for him to be a dad? What if we never have children?

If he leaves, our lives will change. Things will change between us. We will spend a year or longer having completely lives. I will live in safety, getting a masters degree. He will live in hell, worrying when the next attack will come, wondering if his turn is next. We will wonder how the other is doing, and how to keep things together. I realized we might never have children together. What a loss. He is scared of becoming a father, but he will make a wonderful father. I know this because he has made a wonderful husband.

I love him, and want nothing more than for him to not have to go. If he does go, I will do my best to figure out how to be a good wife to someone I never see. I’ll send letters, packages, emails. I’ll talk on the phone and on the IM. I won’t get as much support from him because of the demands of the military life. He’ll get daily letters, I’ll be lucky to get something weekly. I understand this. I’ll be told to thank him for his service and sacrifice, with no mention of mine. Is this enough to maintain a relationship? I don’t know.

So that is were I am. I freaked out holding a precious infant. She looked like my baby could have looked like. I want a little girl so bad. I want a little boy as well. I likely won’t get to see what my infant looks like for some time. I won’t get to feel the baby inside of me, get funky cravings, and participate in giving life for some time. I won’t get to see my husband hold our child for some time. This is a hard burden to carry.