I cannot say

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom lately.

I want her to be a type of mom she is not.

Plain and simple that is it.

After my experience with my pregnancy and the NICU, I’ve learned the painful fact that my mom has her own issues, issues which I cannot solve.

With everyone else, I am not a pushover. I have no problem standing up and defending myself or someone else to just about everyone I know. This includes the, respectfully Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I can say just about anything to anyone, including God.

Except my mom.

I cannot say to my mom “I wish you had not lectured me when I called you in tears after the run in with the social worker about the camera. I wish you had taken my side.”

I cannot say “When I called you to tell you that the ultrasound measured Sydney as 3 weeks behind, I wish you had cried with me. Rather, you told me this was because I was using technology, and if I went to an old male OB, who did not use ultrasounds, everything would be ok.” Had I followed that advice, Sydney would definitely been dead, and maybe me too.

I cannot say “When I told you I had to have a cesarean section, I wish you would have mourned with me the loss of my dreamed for vaginal birth. Rather you lectured me on surrendering my birth, and the unnecessary use of cesarean sections.”

I cannot say “I was so stressed out during that non-stress test, and your being there only added to this. I am forever grateful that the tech was paying attention to how you were lecturing me about not being ready for this baby. She came around the curtain and suggested that you go get me lunch to see if food would help the baby. You left, and I went from completely failing the non stress test and having worrisome high blood pressure to being normal. I ignored your calls that weekend on doctor’s orders. It was either that or she was admitting me with no visitor privileges.”

I cannot say “I’m an adult. I do not need you involved with my medical decisions. I need you to be supportive, but you do not get a saw in who my provider is, what medical treatments I get, and what happens.” When you wanted me to add your name to the release of information I signed when I first was pregnant so Vince had full access to my medical history.

I cannot say “I wish I could talk to you about how to help Vince right now. Instead you will likely pressure me to leave him, and use this as ammunition in the future.”

I cannot say “Please minimizing how hard it is for me to be away from Sydney during the day. You never had to put your baby in day care. You do not know what it is like.”

I cannot say, “You never had a high risk pregnancy. You never had a cesarean section. You never had a premature tiny baby. You never had a baby in the NICU. You do not know anything about any of these things, so stop telling me what I should and should not feel, should and should not do, how I should act.”

I cannot say “I wish you would have been more supportive of me and Vince about the scene his mother caused after Sydney was born. Instead we had to walk on eggshells with everyone. I did not hurt your feelings, and neither did Vince, but we bore the brunt of your emotions when we were least able to handle this.”

I cannot say “I wish you would accept my life without judging me. I love my husband. I love my daughter. We occasionally go to church. Our home is often a mess. We care for each other and love, rather than the nagging and screaming which you did/do to have your home clean.”

I cannot say “I hate schedules. I hate getting up early. Leave me alone about it.” It was very hard for me, with all my emotions and pain with Sydney’s birth to have to have you nag at me for not making schedules to fit your needs, rather than to recognize that your daughter was suffering and your schedule discussion came across as an attack of a new mommy.

I cannot say “You thought you were being supportive while Sydney was in the NICU, but you were not. I gave up the emotional energy trying to get you to be supportive. Yes you bought clothes, but this made me feel that what I bought was unneeded.”

I cannot say “Thank you for purchasing a blessing dress for Sydney. However, it is the type of dress you want, not what I told you I want. I do not want to bless Sydney in the dress you bought incase she died, so I have something to bury her in. I felt very stepped on. I did not want to bless her in the bad juju dress, but I did because you were already very upset about Vince’s mom, and I could not handle your upset if I got a different dress. I wish you would have asked me if you could purchase a dress, or suggested that I select a dress and you will pay for it. What you do not know is that there is a bookmarked dress that Vince and I selected in case she did not survive, ready to be overnighted if the need arose. I allowed you to step all over my boundaries here, and I wish I had done more to express this to you.”

I cannot say, “Go read my blog.” because this honesty will crush you, and you will cut me off and even though I am leaning better how to be your daughter and what my boundaries are, I still need you.

These are all things I cannot say. I wish I could.

Now I wonder how to prevent Sydney typing something similar in 30 years.
I say that because we often parent as we were parented. I do not want to parent the same way. I want to be someone Sydney wants to be there when she is in a crisis, not someone who adds to her pain.