News Flash

Extra, Extra, Read all about it. Wendy had a baby.

So I know that is not news to anyone else. Seems to me that I forgot it.

Elections are coming up. I have always been very politically active. I am known to walk neighborhoods, pass out fliers, sit in booths, the whole thing.

I felt bad I had done nothing, so I went and volunteered to pass out fliers. Up until now, all the campaigns I have volunteered for have been very well organized, and fairly well funded. UMMM.... These guys are running as democrats in Davis County, so really no on both counts. They gave me some fliers, to pass out to registered democrats.

So, anyone else remember that the time changed last weekend and it is now dark at 5:30. Anyone else notice it got cold? Yeah, everyone else but me.

So tonight, Halloween no less, I bundle myself and Sydney up for some flier passing out. I drive to the area, to learn the addresses on my list are in no order. I don't have a map of the streets either. I try to find where to start, while dodging trick or treaters. It's now dark and cold. No street lights either. I find the first house, and figure I'll deliver to all the homes on that block.

I get Sydney out of the car seat, grab the fliers, and head out. I deliver to ONE house before I realize how ridiculous this is, and give up. I nearly dropped the fliers and tripped. I go back to the car, load Syd up again, and come home.

So I just ignored what is clear to everyone else. I had a baby and my life has changed for the better. I just have to wait a couple of years for flier passing out, or do this when her daddy is not beyond swamped with his ROTC disaster project, so he can either help or watch her.

I was pushing myself to do too much. I wish I could pass the fliers out, but with everything going on, I can't.

Sydney was very patient through all this. Wendy just needed to learn some things change, and that she does not have to do it all.

Thoughtful

One lady at church surprised me. She came up and said that she had just washed her hands, and could she please hold Sydney. I was so amazed that she would think to do that. Of course I let her hold Sydney. It was just so thoughtful after me wanting to start slapping hands of random people who were touching her. It was so thoughtful of her to realize that I'm likely pretty nervous having her around all those people, so to make me more comfortable and up her chances of holding Sydney, she took the step to wash her hands.

That was so kind of her.

Buckets, NIP. and church Oh My!

Reminding readers of my disclaimer... I'm about to get rather outspoken and narrow minded, and opinionated.

Vince and I went to church today. It was nice to get out and be around others. Some things bothered me which I can't really discuss there, but I will here.

What is with all the babies in Buckets? (aka Car Seats). I've got to admit, there are times in which the bucket is nice, like when running quick errands, or when two hands are a necessary. There are also times the bucket is a NEED, like when driving in the car. Then there are times that the bucket is one more thing to carry, like at church.

I'll admit, I've been very proactive at wearing Syd. I wear her in the chest pack at the grocery store, and am seriously considering purchasing a sling or Mei Tai carrier. MIL gave me a carrier that she used, and I wear Syd on my back in it when I make dinner. I carry her when I can, because I want that attachment and bonding with her. I want her close to me, or to some other live human being, not in a bucket. Syd HATES the bucket, and screams EVERY time I strap her in, why would I want to do that over and over. I'll just leave it in the car, thank you very much. I have a nice hand warmer to put in it to keep it warm in the winter. I cover the buckles with a blanket in the summer to keep them cool/

Seriously, I was the only mom with a baby who did not have the bucket. I saw 2 strollers. What is up with that? Both of the moms with the strollers have babies under one. Why do you need a stroller at CHURCH??? I've never even used my stroller. Not kidding. I'm sure at some point it will get use, but I've always worn her. It is easier and safer for me to have her close to me. I can't walk away and leave her if she is strapped to me. When we went to Peach Days, I wore her the whole time. One of the stroller moms was telling Vince he should have me bring the stroller..... I could not help roll my eyes. I just think that babies should be held, and church is a great place to do that. It is so nice to hold a sleeping baby, and someone is always wanting to hold a cute baby if you want a break as a mom.

There is another mom in the ward, a mom whom I visiting teach. Let me say, I don't agree with how she parents. She weaned at 6 weeks because she wanted him to sleep through the night. Her baby boy is about 3 months old. He sleeps all by himself in the living room because he was waking up their other son. When we left from visiting, she left him crying on the couch. When we drove away, she was outside with her husband and older child. I feel so bad for that baby inside crying. This mom barely ever hold her own baby at church, someone else is always holding him and feeding him formula.

It's just weird to me. I NIP (nurse in public) all the time. I NIP whenever Syd wants to eat. Frankly, I'd rather not miss what is going on. I've practiced and feel I'm rather modest when doing this. When I was changing Syd's diaper, another mom came into the mother's room to nurse. She turned her chair all the way around so she was facing the corner and then put a blanket on. Another mother left sacrament meeting, came back 20 minutes later, and I'm guessing she was nursing. I usually don't use a blanket when NIP, but during the hymn Syd was rather distracted, so I used a blanket folded up as a bit of a shield, as she kept popping on and off. I feel the blanket thrown over the shoulder screams "I'm Nursing" and implies there is something to hide.

Nursing is not something to hide. There is no shame with NIP. Nursing should be celebrated, promoted, championed. I'll NIP as my own little demonstration that nursing is best. I NIP because I need to feed my baby. I can NIP and eat a meal, grocery shop, attend church, watch a movie, etc. Basically NIP lets me have a life outside of the home.

My mom told me I could nurse in Relief Society, but not in Sacrament Meeting. When I went to church with her, Syd wanted to nurse during Sacrament. She told me to go to the mother's room. I did. In that church as in mine, it is an alcove off of the bathroom. YUCK. I nursed there while people toileted and flushed and vowed I would never do that again. I told her so as well. She talked about being discrete and thinking of others. I said I am discrete, and that the one I should think the most of is my baby. If others have a problem, they can leave or look away. I might step out into the hall if Syd is being distracted, but otherwise I'll nurse where ever I dang well choose. I nursed at the Jazz game last week, BTW. Utah law states....

76-10-1229.5. Breast Feeding is not Violation of this Part.A woman's breast feeding, including breast feeding in any location where the woman otherwise may rightfully be, does not under any circumstance constitute a violation of this part, irrespective of whether or not the breast is covered during or incidental to feeding.

Oh, and the lesson was on food storage.... no mention of extra supplies for a nursing mom, oh no, but talk on formula and water for that. GRRRRR

I just wish more people would hold their babies and not haul the buckets everywhere they go. It has been hard breaking Vince of this, because that is what everyone else does. I told him he can haul the bucket, I'll carry the baby.

History

You Passed 8th Grade US History

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade History?

Really not a big suprise....

How White and Nerdy Are You?

Career choice....

Your Career Personality: Detail-Oriented, Observant, and Hard-Working

Your Ideal Careers(I so did not rig this): Designer Family counselor Independent store owner Interior decorator Museum curator Nurse Preschool teachers Social worker Stay at home parentTeacher

The Quick and Dirty Career Test

Response from Weight Watchers

So they responded. Still now WOW evening meeting, but at least they read my letter and are thinking about it. From Faith's suggestion, any readers in the Utah or Idaho area who wants to have an evening WOW meeting, please let me know, and I'll send you their emails so you can write a letter too. She liked my letter!!!! See I can write a powerful letter.

Begin letter....

Hi Wendy! My name is Gina T. (snip) , the Executive Director of Weight Watchers of SLC, Inc. I have to say, I loved your e-mail. I don't often get many e-mails with so much time, effort, and research put into them. Thank you! All of your points are so very valid and definitely ones we keep in mind as we look at our demographics and geographical locations, and make decisions based on such.

Currently, our WOW meetings are still in their infancy stage. In fact, these came about due to the consistent feedback we received from stay at home moms. So, we're working on accomplishing our first goal of getting a WOW meeting into each market area. So far so good with the daytime WOW meetings, they really seem to be meeting the need. Granted, there will never be a perfect day and time for everyone and we knew that going into it. In fact, even if we venture into making a night meeting into a WOW, it would still be hit or miss based on members' work schedules and kids' activity schedules. We get so many different requests for times and days that it is hard to make it great for everyone. We take a big risk opening up new meetings, specifically population specific meetings. We've always run the business with the idea that we'd hate to give something only to have to take it away due to minimal success. However, this doesn't mean that we won't continue to monitor the need. Your feedback is most helpful and will be used in future discussions about just this subject.


The fact of the matter is Wendy, the requests for WOW meetings dropped substantially when we introduced the daytime WOW meetings, so we had some evidence that they were filling a need. Though, as you mentioned, not everybody's needs. I wish there was a way to take care of everybody's needs, but unfortunately, it just isn't possible, especially when the majority of our members have been so clear in communicating that they appreciate meetings without children so that focus can be on the members vs. the many distractions we find in the WOW meetings. I'm so sorry our lack of choices doesn't allow you to attend with your husband, especially because having a friend or family member really promotes increased success with the program. I hope that you will still consider attending separately in order to get the value of the meeting experience which you clearly understand is a large factor in overall weight loss success.

Would you please contact me personally if you would like to speak in greater length about our decision making process? I can be contacted at (removed) if desired.

Again, I thank you so much for time and energy into stating your desires and concerns. Truly, I appreciate you providing us with this information for use in future discussions about new meetings.

My best,

Gina T.

Sydney goes to the Jazz Game

Wendy meets Sydney

Here is the video of when I met Sydney. I'm basically high from all the drugs. I fibbed about how ready I was to get up out of bed, because I thought the nurse would just let me get right into the chair. Instead she made me walk across the large room to the bathroom, which was pointless because I had a cathedar in and Dr. Calm cleaned me out rather well.

Letter to Weight Watchers

So, since I'm never one to just take no for an answer, at least not the first time I'm told no... I wrote a letter to Weight Watchers. Here it is.

Please forgive the traditional "spin" on the letter. I could not figure out how to include co-habitating/ GLBT and all the other types of families out there into my letter. Also, from my experience with WW, they are a fairly conservitive bunch, and I was trying to plead my case to that audience.

Dear Weight Watchers:

I am writing to request that you consider having an evening or weekend “Wee Ones Welcome (WOW)” meeting at each of your locations, especially the Layton office.

Please allow me to provide you with some background information supporting my request:

According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm) the following information is current to the year 2005:
Working families:
Husband only working: 20.2%
Wife only working: 6.5%
Both Husband and Wife working: 51.3%

Working mothers (Percentages are out of all mothers):
Percent of mothers in the workforce: 70.5%
Married mothers in the workforce: 68.2%
Single mothers in the workforce: 76.1%
Mothers with children less than a year old in the workforce: 53.8%

Charts are available at the above link which provides greater detail to this information.

As you can see from the above referenced information, most mothers are in the workforce. Most mothers of children under one are in the workforce. Most families also have both parents working. More than 75% of single mothers work. However, your only meeting which allows parents to bring their children with them is during the day, at a time at which most people who work are at work. The current WOW meeting accommodates the minority of parents with children, while leaving the majority of parents without a time which is convenient to them. Most parents do not have the ability to leave work to attend a Weight Watchers meeting during the week, leaving them to attend a night or weekend meeting. This means that parents must chose between attending the meeting and spending time with their children. If they are to attend a meeting, they must arrange substitute care for their children. While this may work for married parents in which only one spouse is participating in Weight Watchers, this does not work for either married couples in which both spouses are over weight and wish to participate or single parents.

You may be asking why not have the parents attend different meetings, with the other at home with the baby? 1) This suggestion does not work for single parents. 2) From my past experience with Weight Watchers, the average meeting lasts approximately an hour and a half, from weigh in time to meeting completion, with travel time added to this. It then becomes very likely that a family could be apart for an additional 4 hours each week. If the parents want to attend together, they must arrange care, with the time and expense related to that, or using the good will of family and friends. There is also a large hassle factor in this, and it basically is much easier to stay home and not have to deal with finding child care, coordinating who will attend and who will be home with the child, etc.

As you already know, people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose more weight than people who attempt to lose weight on their own. It would make sense that in a family where a weight loss plan is under way, that a couple would do better if they could attend the sessions together, so they can discuss what they learned as a family.

I can completely understand why most of your meetings are adults only. As I see it, adding an evening or weekend WOW class would add to the market base which Weight Watchers has. This would allow more single and two parent families to participate in your program. This would benefit the participants as they would have the support and guidance from your company, and would benefit your company, as a new member base which is currently underutilized would be available.

In our situation, I was a member over a year ago. I lost 30 pounds, then stopped attending, mostly because the family members I had been attending with stopped going. I then got pregnant, had a baby, and now need to lose baby weight. When I was an active participant in the program, my husband also lost weight, but frankly, I lost more than he did, and was more committed, likely because I had the support of the weekly meetings. We now both want to attend Weight Watchers, and lose the weight we have gained. With our young daughter, unless there is an evening or weekend WOW, we will not be able to attend, and will be forced to decide which one of us can attend when, rather than being able to make this a joint experience.

Earlier this week, I called your 1-800 number asking why there was not a WOW meeting in the evening. The woman stated that usually the baby stays home with the husband. That statement assumes several things, including that there is a husband, and that the husband does not want to participate lose weight. Thank you for considering my request. I would appreciate hearing from you at your earliest convenience. I would appreciate it if my letter is forwarded to the franchise owner. Please feel free to contact me via phone, email, or mail.

Sincerely,
Wendy J. LastName

My attempt to up my placement on google for this post: Weight Watchers, Salt Lake City, Utah, UT, mother, weight loss, Weight Watcher international.

Birthday Pondering

Today I am 29.

What a year 28 was.

One year ago today, I had a very strong suspicion I was pregnant. I was quite in denial about it, as I had so dearly wanted to be pregnant. My breasts were very sore and tender, and I just had this feeling.

One year ago today, I had no idea what this year would bring. I did not know I was going to have a wonderful daughter. I did not know that such joy and such pain could be combined into the same thing. I had no idea the strength I would need, nor the strength I would find. I had no idea I would have a high risk pregnancy, bed rest, c/s, NICU stay. Seriously, I had always imagined that my first daughter would be named Kathryn. I just love that name. And I have a baby girl named Sydney, whom I love. Sydney fits her so much better than Kathryn does. (Maybe my next daughter, if I do decided to wade into the pregnancy pool, will be Kathryn.) I had not imagined I would not have a natural birth, and have the baby placed directly on my belly. Instead, I had a scheduled c/s, with her immediately gone. I saw her hours later. I then went 3 days of torture without her. This gave me a small perspective on how hard it is for Vince to leave us to go to military. It was never that hard for him to go before, he would miss me, but he knew I was going to rent movies I want to see, go out with friends, craft, go shopping, basically take proper care of my self. Now when he leaves, he leaves behind someone who changes. The biggest change I ever made while he was gone was I lost 8 pounds. Sydney spent half her life while he was gone. She rolled over for the first time. Milestones happen when he is gone now. She will grow and change while he is gone.

One year ago, I had no plans to leave DCFS; and here I sit at DSPD. This has been a huge change for me, and a very positive one. I'm still in shock that something which has been such a defining factor of my life is gone now.

One year ago, I was a different person. I sit here a year old, and more than a year wiser. I matured more than one year in the past year, I feel like I have aged 7 years in the last year.

One year ago, I felt ignored by the Lord. Now I again know, what I really have always known, that He hears me and answers my prayers. I thought I had learned to accept His plan through the infertility trials. I've learned that it is another level of accepting His plan completely when it comes to your children. I still wonder and am troubled by what Sydney had to learn by her rough entry into this world. I also wonder what Vince and I had to learn from her tough start.

Some of you have been reading my blog for this entire time. Some of you are newer. Some of you I've never met, some are old friends. I want to thank you all for reading my posts. You are privy to some of the most intimate details of my life, for here I post what I feel I cannot say in real life. I process what is going on with me here. Here I share my thought, fears, and dreams. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Weight Watchers – not family friendly

So Vince and I are overweight. Dr. Calm mentioned that I should consider losing more weight before I TTC again…. Dr. Big Shot wanted my weight around 150, I am not there. I am 30 pounds lighter than my heaviest, but from the weight today, I actually have gained 2 pounds since I HAD the baby. I still have a net loss from the pregnancy, but to have gained weight after the baby…. Vince also says his jeans are tight, and needs to lose some weight for military purposes. I’m emotionally ready to lose more weight, and I do need the support and monitoring of a formal program.

Well, we want to go to the same Weight Watchers meeting. Here they have one “Wee Ones Welcome(WOW)” meeting a week, Monday morning. Nothing the rest of the week. I called the 1-800 number and asked about having a “WOW” meeting in the evening. I explained that DH and I want to attend together, and don’t really want She said they really only have the one meeting, for mom’s who don’t work.

GRRR…. Tangent here: WHY does everything here revolve around people who don’t work? This exists in so much craft classes, reading groups at church, so many things I want to do, but can’t because they are forgetting that most women go to work.

I asked her why no evening “WOW” meeting. She said that usually the baby stays home with the husband. I said that we both work during the day, and we do our best to be together in the evenings and weekends. I’m not happy that I have to either: flex my schedule to go to a daytime meeting, or swap the baby with Vince, or arrange day care. Either way, unless Sydney is with someone else, no Weight Watcher meetings together for us.

My brother has gotten VERY sensitive about us asking them to watch Sydney for a shot time. He went off on the IM to me. What would have worked is to drop her off for an hour and a half, go to the meeting, but there is no way I’m asking him. His wife would help, but I’m not dealing with my brother at all about this. He was really nasty and vindictive on the IM, and I’m not giving him any ammunition. I’ll just steer clear.

So, I’ll figure something out, but it won’t be what I want.

TMI, deep thought, an update, and some ranting all in one post!!

So, here I am. I have several random thoughts to post, so I'll order them. Felt the need to play with color....

1. New Job Love it!!! The new job is very laid back. I have to be a go-getter to get any training attention. The laid back style is a refreshing and relaxing change. Problem is, I am lonely. People here are pretty solitary, meaning, I'm the only one with my door open any time. I also feel like the feeling your car makes when you mean to put the manual transmission into 5th gear, but accidentally go into 3rd or even 1st. You know, that jearking lurching, throw you against the stearing wheel feeling? Things are so much slower and low pressure here, it is odd after 4 years of constant pressure.
2. Had my annual OB exam today. VERY weird being there for an exam, not pregnant. Took the baby with me. She decided to scream just before Dr. Calm came in to do a pelvic, so I nursed during the pelvic. She and I talked birth control types. I'm on a progesterone only pill. I spot a lot and hate it. Thing is, the RE I saw in SLC told me that if I was not TTC, I need to be on a hormonal BC method. I'm thinking about getting Mirena inserted. She did say that I could go back to my regular pill in a couple of months. Thing is, simply put, and I told her this, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. She said her advice is to have a least 2 years between pregnancies, based on how hard the last one was. I need the time to mentally and physically heal. I need to not have to manage this every day. It is odd for me who has been though infertility to be saying this, but I do not want to get pregnant right now. I want to enjoy Sydney and Vince. I want to emotionally process what I have been through and deal with the emotions I have not dealt with. I want to "be" ready, not just accidentally get pregnant. Since I lost the weight and had surgery, my body has shown itself to be very fertile, by getting pregnant the first cycle off the pill. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think I'm making a big deal, but then I realize this is a big deal for me. She gave me some literature, and I'll think it over. One of my complaints about the pill I'm on right now is the nearly constant spotting, which she said is pretty standard with Mirena for 6 months.
3. OUT with the VBAC patrol. So yesterday, a couple of ladies from chuch came over. One, once she learned I had a c/s wanted to know if the doctor had "meshed" (whatever that means) or double sewed my uterine incision. Well, I partly played dumb. I've read my surgical report, it does not mention a second row of sutures, so I'm betting money I did not have them. Then she wants to know what type of uterine incision I had, and I know exactly where this is going... Yes I had a horizontal incision, and no, I don't want to VBAC. I did not want to discuss the deep emotional and physical reason's I don't want to labor, but too posh to push is not that reason. She kind of implied that was me, when I pointed out that Sydney's birth was c/s to take the risk off of her and onto me, and that I was fine with my c/s. I did not want to point out how terrifying my last pregnancy was, and how reassuring being in competant medical hands was. I also did not want to go in depth into my gynelogical history, that I've already had two uterine incisions, a deformed uterus, which was blessed to carry life, and that I am simply to scared to VBAC. I feel the risk to too great, so I have already discussed this with Dr. Calm, and she said she would prefer a c/s but would support a VBAC attempt as long as her insurance allows it. Simply put, any future children will be born by c/s and I am fine with this. Everyone can make their own choices, and this is mine. So I want the VBAC police to keep their judgements off my body. They don't have to deal with the emotional and physical consequences, I do. I know that a failed VBAC would crush me, and I would rather avoid that all together. Bascially, I'll have a nice scheduled C/S, thank you very much. Oh, she wants me to use some "slippery oak" for Sydney's nose cold, and mix it with formula. I pointed out that Sydney is breast fed. Thanks, but I'll skip the weird stuff right now.
4. Life is not meant to be happy and easy. It is a challenge and a grind. We are here to be tested. We are having a hard time at our home right now. Vince's car is broken, needs major brake work done, money is tight. We are on the one car fleet again, and it is so hard to get worked out. He is really struggling with school and ROTC. I got off the pressure wheel, and he got on. He is having a really hard time getting things done. I'm not helping to lessen the pressure, because I want him to get some sleep and spend some time with us. He is having a hard time with his classes. I wish I could just do the work for him, but that would not help him.
5. Krista is one of those people on the internet who you never meet, but changes your life for good. Krista has brain cancer, and had been re-occurance free for 10 months. She has beaten the odds by where she is today. At her last MRI, there was increased growth, and she has to change drugs and hope the new, nastier ones work. I read this today, and it made me so sad. Krista has done made so many positive improvements in so many lives, mine included. I had so prayed that the cancer would disappear, that this trial would be done for her. It just made me sad to read this news. HUGS Krista.

Flood o' Fun

1) Yesterday, my kitchen flooded because of a malfunction in the water heater. Landlord unreachable problem not solved. Problem still exists.

Forgiveness

for‧give‧ness  /fərˈgɪvnɪs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fer-giv-nis] –noun

1.	act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.

2.	disposition or willingness to forgive.

---

[Origin: bef. 900; ME forgifenesse, OE forgifennys. See forgive, -ness]

forgiveness

n 1: compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive 2: the act of excusing a mistake or offense [syn: pardon]

See Also:

Rambling C/S post

I posted this on mothering.com, a bb I frequently hang out at.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peppermint
I have a couple of questions that are c-section related.I wish I could ask all of these questions on the regular forums, but I can't spend a ton of time defending my c-sections, BTDT here quite a few times.I feel like because I am *choosing* a repeat c-section, I don't get to make choices for the baby that are "natural". I just want what is best for the little Bean....

I just made the mistake of wandering into birth and beyond and into home birthing. It was this thread which prompted these emotions. I wanna go into labor. I wanna push. I don't want to be judged because my baby was born through my abdomen, not my vagina. I had a medically necessary c/s and I still feel that I am, at least emotionally, defending this. I know that had I not had a c/s DD would not have been alive. Had I done UP (no prenatal care), there is no chance in hell DD would be alive. I would never do UP, and would likely never do a home birth, but those choices are gone from me forever. There is no way I could in good concience have a "low tech" pregnancy. I will likely be high risk as the growth problems can happen at any time in the pregnancy. I would be terrified that without regular u/s we would miss IUGR in my next pregnancy.

I guess I'm sad for what will not be. Hopefully, my next pregnancy will be easy, followed by a ERCS (elective repeat c-section) - at least on paper. I know that due to uterine malformations, two uterine surgeries, etc, I am at a high risk for rupture, and do not feel the need to "prove" anything, not when I knowingly risk my daughter being without a mother. My next c/s will and won't be elective, due to the risks, but I feel I will have to defend this even more, than I feel I need to defend my first c/s.

Another poster on another board said that having a c/s you miss the best part of having a baby - the having of the baby. Am I less of a momma because I never felt a contraction? Or does the 2 months spent on bed rest compensate for that? How about the 48 days in the NICU, being told when and how I can hold DD, how I can mother her? Am I less of a momma because I won't push out baby number 2? If I have a baby number 2? I DESPARATELY want another baby, but am terrified of going through this again.

And what IF I chose a primary c/s? Does that make me a bad person?, a bad mommy? I would say no, it does not. I don't think I am less a mommy because I did not labor. I feel I am her mommy. I was her mommy since before she was concieved, and by my religious beliefs, I will be her mommy for eternity. By the same token, my Bro and SIL are hoping to adopt, and I firmly believe that she will be a mommy just the same as I, even though she did not get pregnant at all.

Honestly, I don't have c/s issues like so many others do. My c/s was not forced on me, it was an educated decision made with the guidance of a OB whom I trust. I trusted her with mine and DD's lives, and she cared for us and helped me bring my baby to life in the only way possible, by c/s. I do not feel I was birth abused, frankly the abuse occured in the NICU, mostly by a fellow social worker. I feel how I was treated by her is part of why I am getting out of child welfare. (The fact I hate my supervisor helps that one too.) I will miss child welfare. I will miss the children. I just don't want to be as involved a social worker as before, as I'm terrified that I'll repeat what the bitchy social worker did to me.

I too want what is best for my next bean, and I did what was best for this bean, the bean currently currled up on my bed. Maybe this is my white flag in the mommy wars. Maybe I'm asserting that my birth is just as valid as anyone elses. Life came from my womb, a life for which we were terrified would never come because of infertility. You can be a mommy without giving birth, as through adoption. So am I, other women who did not birth vaginally, and mommy's by adoption lesser mommies? No. I'm not attacking any one else's position I'm just stating mine. I wanted to vaginally birth. My body was not made to do that. My uterus is deformed, and I am blessed it was able to contain my baby long enough to give life.

That's all I have to say now. Thanks for reading.

Commitment

So I have some big posts brewing, but right now I need to make some public commitments to myself. See I have senioritis something fierce at my old job, and have so much to do, because I've procrastinated like usual.

So here are my commitments for tomorrow, Tuesday:

1. I will not visit any of the following URLs at work: Blogger.com, Mothering.com, Hotmail.com, Ebay.com, SLtrib.com, Desnews.com, ksl.com, kutv.com, livejournal.com, youtube.com, msn.com, msnbc.com (I am confessing my dorking around web sites.)
2. I will arrive at work by 8:00, meaning I drop Sydney off at 7:45, meaning I get up at 6:30.
3. I will eat breakfast.
4. I will complete all three court reports by 9:30.
5. I will dictate logs for 15 minutes each hour.
6. I will complete all over due service plans.
7. I will complete 4 assessments.
8. I will take a 45 minute lunch.
9. I will work until 5:20
10. I will organize 50% of my desk.
11. I will not look for people on the IM to goof off with, and will not roam the halls to do the same.

Punishment: If I do not do this, I will not be able to watch dancing with the stars Tuesday night. This is a harsh punishment for me.

Reward: If I have completed the court reports by 9:30, I will allow myself to go vote on the wedding on the today show. I will go directly to the wedding page, will not pass go, will not collect $200.

If I have been productive till noon, I can have a nice lunch. Otherwise, I will eat the TV dinner in the freezer at my desk.

If I have been productive all day, I will order out. Otherwise I have to cook something.

There is my plan, please nag me tomorrow and see if I followed it.