Exposed

I'm having a hard time posting. I have tons to say, but after my drive by nastiness, I feel very vunerable. I've always known this is out there on the web, but this is the first time that I've dealt with anyone being so hurtful. In fact, up until that poster, my only kinda negative post was someone who disagreed with me about re-naming Hill Airforce Base. That was not a big deal, this one is. I know that others have been attacked more personally than I, but this was my first time.

Anon I'm reclaiming myself from you. You don't get to win. Your nastiness will not prevail. I'm considering removing your post because I can. Anyone but the anon person, should I remove the post?

Last night I attended an infant massage class. The presenter went around the room and had the moms tell their birth stories. I went last because of where I was sitting. I was the only women in the room who had a scheduled c-section, preemie, nicu stay. That's a good thing, I guess but I felt very alone. Other women fought against their c-sections, went into labor. I scheduled mine. The presenter was trying to be sensitive, but she kept talking about how the baby being squished down the birth canal is good for them. She is right, but I just felt left out.

One other mom there talked about how positive her birth was, but that breast feeding did not work out. She almost started crying. I had talked to her prior to her birth about nursing and she had seemed very excited about it. I was suprised when I saw her formula feeding. I will admit I had been a bit judgemental about that, until I heard her say that she was very dissappointed that nursing had not worked out. My heart ached for her.

Changes in comment policy

You may or may not have noticed that I have changed the comment policy on my blog.

I'm sorry, but you will now have to be a member of the blogger community and log on to comment. You will have to sign your user name.

I don't want to do this, but my blog was just hit with a very nasty comment, left anon of course.

It's attached to my Senseless Horror post.

I have no problems with disagreement. I have a problem with people leaving spiteful and hurtful comments and me not have a way to respond to them. I can't go email you. I can't even go leave a nasty message on their blog.

I'm a big believer in accountability. I ALWAYS sign my name, or post that I'm too lazy to sign in, on people who have not switched to the new blogger, and post my user name there.

BTW, to the person who posted that hurtful message. I'm so glad that you are perfect. I would rather not be homeless and hungry. I work so we have a home, food and health insurance. Are you a perfect parent? I work because I can, and I will not apologize for enjoying my work. I went to college so I could get a good job where my labor matters. I'd love to be a SAHM, but that is not in the cards right now, and frankly I'm not ever sure it will be. I REFUSE to become my mom, 50 something with NO retirement. I'm vested in my employers pension with over 5 figures in my 401K. Anon poster, what are your plans for the future?

I do care for my miracle daughter. I do love her. So what if I work? Do you judge my husband for going to college?

I'm not gross. I'm stuck between being self-sufficient or being on welfare. As an educated able bodied American, I chose to go to work and earn a living, not suck off the system. Anonymous poster.... Are you one of those family's with a SAHM who is on food stamps, housing assistance, getting food from the food bank, getting aid from the church when both parents have the ability to be gainfully employed and self supporting but you stay home rather than go to work to take care of your own family and prove a point? Did daddy write you a big check? Do you work? Not everyone can make it on one income. Not everyone can stay home.

Anon poster, you are an ass. If you are going to post something like that, be an adult and sign your name. Thanks for posting that, you coward who does not feel the need to identify yourself.

I love my daughter very much. My going to work provides for her physical needs. If I stayed home, I would be very irresponsible and stressed out, as I'd have NO money. I'm the breadwinner. Thanks for the drive by shooting.

HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY LOVE FOR MY DAUGHTER??? I'm well aware there is a loud mouthed talk show host who shall not be named because she spreads hate who states day care is abusive and that WOHM's are evil. I'm not evil. DD is NOT abused at her day care. Real life is more than a 30 second phone call where the host passes judgement and hate based on the little information she allows the caller to give.

Who do you think you are to post something a nasty as that on my space? Who appointed you judge of my parenting skills based on ONE aspect of how I mother, my working out of the home?

My husband also wants me to let you know that he thinks you're an ass and a coward.

Anon poster.... If you wish to discuss this further, please have the intestinal fortitude and sign your name.

Oh, BTW, most of my know readers are women who are employed. Most work out of the home. I think, anon poster, you wandered into the hornets nest when you chose this blog to post your spite.

Senseless Horror

Last night, while I was watching Jeopardy, the station broke into the show. And I have not exhaled since.

Yesterday, a mad man walked into a local mall. For some reason, he felt that taking a shot gun with a pistol grip, lots of ammo, and the proceeding to shot innocent people was a grand idea.

5 innocent people killed. 4 seriously wounded. One off duty hero interrupted his dinner to stop the rampage. He will live with that for the rest of his life, as will the other hundreds of people in the mall last night. They will have to live with seeing the shooter, the bodies, the broken glass the blood. They will live with the smells of gun fire. They will live with the sounds of screams and shotgun blasts. They will live with the fear, fear which drove unsung heroes to risk themselves to lower the grates of their stores to try to protect others.

They were there to have dinner, go shopping, or to go to work. They expected to be safe.

How many times have I gone to a mall to shop or eat, and expect to be safe? Will I ever feel safe again?

I was not there. I was planning on having lunch there on Wednesday. I have an all day training in Salt Lake, and my co-workers and I had discussed how yummy Spaghetti Factory would be.

This is a mall I have been to many times. I played in a violin concert there in elementary school. Once we could drive, heading down to the Spaghetti Factory and shopping at Trolley Square was a fun treat for my friends and I. It was so fun to get to drive down to the big city from tiny Brigham City.

We have been there to celebrate. We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for a reunion meal after Vince had been gone on military training. We had just gotten engaged and were disgustingly in love. We went to the Hard Rock again with friends to celebrate my graduation from college.

When Vince's brother was in the ICU at the UofU hospital, depending on the route you take, Trolley Square is on the way. I stopped in there many times during those months of struggle for some yummy candy, window shopping, and retail therapy. I'd bop into the Bath and Body Works to try a new lotion. I'd sit in the massage chairs at the Sharper Image, and snicker about Samantha from Sex and the City and her purchase from the Sharper Image. I'd dream of being skinny and rich enough to buy something from the Banana Republic. When we lived in Salt Lake, we would go eat at Tucci's, an Italian restaurant across the street from Trolley Square, and then we would walk across the street for a movie or window shopping. I have a lot of pleasant memories associated with Trolley Square.

Last night, I heard several news reports say over and over that "this is not supposed to happen here?" I ask where is this sort of tragedy and carnage supposed to happen, anyway? Littleton, Colorado? Los Angeles, California? New York City? Basra? Baghdad? Jerusalem? Darfur? Where on earth is this mayhem supposed to happen? I honestly can't think of a place it is supposed to happen. I can think of many, many places it does happen, but no where it should happen.

It is shocking to see the video on TV. I've been there. When they talk about locations, I've eaten there, shopped there, walked down those hallways. It is gut retching to see familiar places involved in a tragedy such as this. I've seen this sort of thing hundreds of times on TV, but never somewhere so familiar and close to my heart.

I cannot imagine being there. What if I had been there with Sydney? I would die for her, no question about it. I would kill to protect her. I feel so very helpless to protect her from the violence and hatred that exist in this world.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It was hard to come to work today. I had to leave Sydney at day care, and that was hard as well. I just want to take my little family and stay safe in our home. Only, I had nightmares last night, and I kept worrying armed gun men were going to bust into the sanctuary which is my home.

Like Trista, I feel like I'm talking out of my ass. I'm trying to process this nightmare. It is hard to imagine someone actually shooting up a place I know and a place where I felt very safe.

I want my security back.

Look what I found!!!

So for the total nerd that I am, I discovered this exhibit which will be showing while we are in LA.

We get to see the traveling Star Wars museum show!!!! WOOOT WOOT!!!

Yeah, I bought IMAX tickets which guarantees entrance to this exhibit.

I can't wair to show Vince. He will be even more excited about it than I am.

For Mama Moose

Mama Moose is a poster on the alternative BB where I hang out.

For some reason, Myspace removed pictures of her nursing her baby, and she has been harassed on a separate BB for having nursing pictures in her signature. In support of her, a "virtual" nurse in has been declared. To particiapte in a nurse in, and to show support, I'm posting pictures of Sydney nursing. I took them myself.

For me, this pictures are an example of a miracle. After her birth, having to EP, her very difficult time learning to eat, and her very high palate, the fact that Syndey nurses is a miracle. She has thrived on nursing. Plus, as I'm basically a lazy person, nursing her at home has made life much easier on me.

More on home birthing

Today that bill passed out of committee

I found The Senate Site (The unfofficial voice of the Utah majority) where there is an interview with Sen. Dayton about the proposed midwife restrictions. I posted this comment...

I too am outraged at this bill. I am the mom to a baby girl born at 34 weeks, weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, by C-section.
I believe in freedom, less government, and less regulation.

I am amazed that because of conditions specific to that pregnancy I will not be able to home birth. Even if my next pregnancy were to be determined to be a healthy and normal pregnancy, I would not be allowed to home birth as I have a prior c-section, premature birth, and a small baby.

For the record, I would never choose a homebirth for myself, however I am a strong supporter of those who wish to birth at home. I want my daughter to have the ability to chose where she wants to birth, at her home or at the hospital. I also want her to be able to have a trained attendant at that birth, and I feel that this bill will make midwifery so restricted a woman will have to chose between birthing unassisted or birthing in a hospital.

I listened to the interview with Sen. Dayton. She makes the point that family doctors have guidelines on when to refer/consult HOWEVER this is not written into Utah State statute. These guidelines are set as she stated by governing bodies over the doctors. Is this bill the start of turning all governing bodies rules into law? In the future will my OB next have to refer me to a specialist solely because they law requires her too?

I am opposed to this bill as I feel it is one more regulation over the citizens of Utah. I want less government intrusion into my life not more. The original bill created lawful requirements for being a midwife. I fully believe that trained and educated people can make the correct decision. Some of the proposed restrictions on home birth are currently blocked by the DOH rules over midwives.

There are many situations where a home birth would be irresponsible, and I feel the DOH and DOPL rules do a fine job of covering these. It appears to me that the guidelines make nearly all pregnancies "not normal". One of the beliefs of midwifery is that pregnancy is a normal process not an illness or disease. I took an informal poll in my office, all the women would have been risked out of home birthing at some point because of a condition which arose in their pregnancies, mainly the upper weight at birth.

I feel this bill is unneeded and intrusive.

The tale of the bathroom sinks at work.

So, there is a bathroom here at work.

And the bathroom has two sinks in it.

Whomever selected the sinks did not purchase faucets which match, meaning the the angle at which the faucet sends out the water and the way the water meets the sink usually causes the user to get soaked. They also selected those automatic faucets, which while I the germaphobe, appreciate the lack of touching, the user has no control of water speed, flow or temperature. While there is hot water service to the building, I don't know where it goes, because it does not get to the bathroom faucets. The water is usually freezing, and used to come out with a lot of pressure and force.

Someone decided to "fix" this. Now one faucet comes out slower, but with so little pressure that the faucet is like drip, drip, drip. It is nearly impossible to get enough water pressure to hose the soap bubbles off of your hands. The other faucet also has low flow, but because of some trick of nature, comes out with a lot of speed and pressure, meaning that it feels like little needles are being shot into your skin. Not a pleasant feeling. On the plus side, your clothing no longer gets soaked.

With all the resources available to my very large employer, is it impossible to have a happy medium? I would like a faucet where it neither soaks my shirt nor feels like the water is cutting my skin.

That's all for today. Nothing earth shattering, I'm afraid.

What more do you want from the mother of a teething baby who decided that night time is the best time to express her unhappiness about that?

Utah attempting to gut Lay Midwife law.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_5166202

Orem Republican Sen. Margaret Dayton, one of the most vocal opponents of legislation adopted in 2005 that allowed midwives to legally deliver babies at home, is sponsoring a bill intended to define a "normal pregnancy." ... Dayton was a labor and delivery nurse for five years. And her husband is a retired obstetrician. She says she took her list from a doctor's list of "high-risk" pregnancies.

Bill is located at http://le.utah.gov/~2007/bills/sbillint/sb0243.htm

Here is a jewel of a quote from Sen. Dayton

"People should have the choice: from the highest-end obstetrician to staying home alone in the dark in the bathroom. All the choices are not equal," said Dayton, who introduced her bill Monday. "We need to go back and make some definition of what we have granted."

The direct entry bill finally allowed something BETWEEN high end OB care and being alone in the bathroom. The quote just shows this Senator's anti-home birth bias loud and clear. There are very definitive rules listed by DOPL, and this is an attempt to make rules law, and to expand the restrictions. Current rules, not law, are listed here. Current law is here.

What will risk a woman out?

From the proposed bill

(iv) excludes from the practice of Direct-entry midwifery a pregnancy that involves:
(A) pulmonary disease, renal disease, chronic or active hepatic disease, endocrine disease, neurological disease, a significant autoimmune disease, GBS disease, or isoimmunization;
(B) deep vein thrombosis or pulmonary embolus;
(C) a significant hematological disorder or coagulopathy;
(D) hypertension;
(E) diabetes mellitus;
(F) a family history of a serious genetic disorder that may affect the current pregnancy;
(G) a history of neonatal infection, cerclage or incompetent cervix, an infant below 2,500 grams or above 4,000 grams, a preterm birth of 36 weeks or less, postpartum hemorrhage requiring transfusion, three or more consecutive miscarriages, a miscarriage after 14 weeks, or a stillborn;
(H) a prior myomectomy, hysterotomy, or c-section;
(I) current drug addition or abuse;
(J) positive HIV antibody or AIDS;
(K) any condition, disease, or illness that would disqualify a certified nurse midwife, licensed under Chapter 44a, Nurse Midwife Practice Act, from delivering a child without assistance under the protocols of two or more general acute hospitals in Utah; or
(L) any other condition that may present an unreasonable risk of harm to a
pregnant woman or unborn child.

I've bolded things which would risk me out, even with a healthy pregnancy. I actually would have been risked out from the begining of my first pregnancy as I had prior uterine surgery.


While I have NO desire to VBAC, I'm incensed that a prior c/s alone is cause to risk one out of midwife care. I'm also angry that just because I had one high risk pregnancy, that reason alone risks me out of midwife care, even if my current pregnancy is going fine. And even though my sister may have had a problem that does not mean I will. The "any condition" is so vauge to make it impossible for a DEM to determine if she can actually see this client and maintain her license.

Utah Midwives Association Outgoing President Tara Tulley said Dayton's bill
would end up requiring 96 percent of the midwives' clients to go to a doctor or
certified nurse midwife, effectively ending home delivery. "They're trying to
eliminate our practice," Tulley said.

and

But Utah Midwives Association President Jules Johnston said Dayton has gone
overboard. "If they sneeze, they're risked out."

The article says that there were 96 hb, with 9 transfers and 2 c/s. That is a transfer rate of 9% and a 2% c/s rate. There is no mention in the article of any complications during the transfers or any one case which would cause this representive to propose this, other than her husband's prior occupation and her opposition to the law which allowed direct entry midwives anyway, which allowed women to home birth in Utah with help.

Reports on Utah home birth stats are http://www.dopl.utah.gov/licensing/de_midwife_outcomes.pdf and http://health.utah.gov/opha/publications/hsu/06Dec_HomeBirth.pdf

Excited

I am so very beyond excited about vacation!!!! I made and advent calendar of sorts on my office door. It is out of blue postits. I'll post a pic once I bring a camera to work. So yeah, I'm excited. Usually I do a count down on a big calendar on my office wall, and cross out the days, but we did not get those this year, so I made my own count down clock.

Sydney got exposed to RSV yesterday at day care. Praise the Lord she got her Synagys last week. She should be covered. The thing about the Synagys is it does not prevent RSV, but it lessens it. If she does get RSV, hopefully it will be mild. I'm still VERY worried about this. She seems fine today.

We are co-sleeping, not because we are really into the beliefs about the benefits of co-sleeping, but rather because it is a way for us all to get sleep. (I believe in the benefits, but Vince is only sold on the idea that this means sleep.) Lately we have been struggling with this a bit. We had been sleeping with me in the middle, Sydney on the outside with her pillow designed for this to keep her from falling out of bed. Then she fell out of bed, so into the middle she went. (Once I moved her to the other side of me, and she fell out of bed before she even had a chance to sweat a wet spot from her head, she has a very sweaty head.) Vince thought that we might both have more room if we slept backwards, with his head by my feet and vice versa. I was not too keen on this because I'd rather wake up to his face, not his feet.

Neither of us know why, but we both woke up at the same time last night. Sydney had somehow wiggled sideways and across our queen bed, and was about to fall head first off Vince's side. She was asleep. I have no idea how she did this. She so far does not crawl. She really wants to crawl and catch the cat, but she does not. I tried teaching her yesterday. So the backwards thing is a no-go, and we are back to being a bit craped. I really wish she did not need to nurse all night, except when she is working on falling out of bed. My back is cramped from being on my side all night.

So far she has fallen out of bed 3 times. Once while I was getting ready to go, and twice at night. It is very scary and I really feel like a dumb parent when that happens.

Can I just SCREAM at Vince for a minute. Thanks. I've been talking vacation for 2 weeks now. He knew when we were going. So last night, I'M ON THE PHONE WITH JET BLUE to book the non-refundable air and the car, and Vince says "I think that is drill." !#%^^**(&^^%$$%^&*** (Insert swear word of your choice here.) So I hang up with Jet Blue and we talk. He hopefully can reschedule (RST) the drill. I went ahead and booked the hotel as it is refundable with a fee. Hopefully he will get the word back soon on RST. I'm just like "What part of can you go do you not understand?" and " Why in the hell did you not check your drill schedule when we started talking about this weeks ago?"

Hello again

I tried to post last week, and my post got eaten. So in reward, haha, you will get a post filled with grammar errors. Sorry.

Sydney finally got her third Synagis shot last week. She is sitting up and doing wonderful. We are so very blessed. She weighs over 11 pounds. I mentioned to my mom that she is getting big, and my mom was like you are crazy. Of course, my mom's largest baby weighed 10 pounds 11 ounces at birth. What I meant was that my baby is growing up. She is sitting. She reaches for things she wants. She is showing preference for people. She leans toward who she wants. She is getting much bigger than the tiny baby I birthed.

Oh, and contrary to the anti-c/s crowd, I did birth my baby. I gave birth. I may never have felt a single contraction, but I gave birth, same as women who go it no drugs. That particular point irks me no end. I hang out at an "alternative" online BB, and there are some women on there with views on prenatal care who terrify me. Have a home birth, I don't care, but don't judge me my c/s and healthy baby. And don't judge why I have no interest in a VBAC. You have not walked in my shoes. Why is it ok for them to judge my c/s but not ok for me to judge their complete avoidance of prenatal care, just because ALL ob's are SOB's ya know? Go ahead, have your HBA2C (home birth after 2 c/s) for all I care, don't judge my choices. One poster posted that she was upset because a client of hers, she is a doula, had a scheduled c/s. She posted "she had the baby uh... removed." No, I gave birth. My baby was not removed. Tumors are removed, babies are birthed. I really feel something is broken in me for having NO desire to have a VBAC. The thought terrifies me. The thought of a scheduled c/s is comforting. It angers me when I read about access to a VBAC being restricted because of insurance, and I'm supportive of women who want to VBAC, I have no interest in it. Rant over.

Why does my husband think he deserves a medal whenever he changes Sydney's diapers? If I remember correctly, he is equally responsible for her being here. It's like he is doing me a favor or something. His need to be super protective of her is getting on my nerves. I KNOW this is NICU related, but every little thing makes him jump up, almost panicked. REALLY. Last night she was crying because she wanted to be fed. He asks me what he should do. She wants solids, I already tried nursing her. I'm like feed her damn it. I'm doing the taxes. He got all mad, and I was like She is your daughter too. I'm really sick of Sydney seeming to be my project, and he is the helper. If he picks her up from day care, he is doing me a favor. If he feeds her, he is helping me out. I'm trying to empower him to care more for her and not step in at every little thing. Sometimes he makes me want to scream.

We are hoping to go on vacation in March, to Disneyland. I keep getting asked if we are taking the baby.... Hello??? What part of FAMILY vacation do you not understand? Sure, it would be easier without her, but then I would miss seeing her eyes when we take her on Its a Small World. She won't remember the details, but she will remember being with her parents, and we will remember the time we all spent together. So what if we ride the trill rides alone as we swap the baby? Who really cares? I don't believe I do a lot of bonding while on the Indiana Jones ride. Come on. Thrill rides are essentially a solitary activity, shared among strangers. Plus, as I'm still nursing, I'd either have to wean (That's a dumb reason to wean, IMNSHO) or pump. No vacation is a chance to not pump. Plus, I don't think I could be away from her that long, I would miss her so, and so would Vince. I have so little time with her, that when I use leave, I really want to be with her, and with Vince, as a family. All together. Yes, I know this means hauling a car seat and stroller to California. Oh well.

I'm so excited about this. Vince and I have not had a real vacation for 4 years. (Mesquite and Bear Lake don't count.) We are flying, renting a car, and staying at a hotel. We will be there 4 nights but because our plane gets there early and leaves late, we will have 5 full days there. We will do Disneyland for 3 days, Knotts Berry Farm for one, and have a free day to go to the beach and go see friends. I'm counting down.

Vince currently has orders to be gone August-October, and then November to January. Yup, looks like he will be gone for Christmas. Shit. I KNOW this is a part of military life, but that does not mean I have to be celebrating right now. Still sucks, expected or not.

For Trista.... Basically I've been wearing one pair of shoes.... Black Loafers I bought at Target. Just like these, only the toes on mine are all scuffed.