Due Date

Due Date
Today is the day, that had all gone well, Sydney should have been born. I write today to mark the many ups and downs that have happened over the last nine months.

Ups:
Seeing the positive pregnancy test.
Telling Vince I was pregnant.
The relief we felt after hearing her heartbeat when we were fearing we had lost her.
Hearing her heartbeat over and over.
Feeling her move for the first time.
Whenever I felt her move.
When Vince felt her move for the first time.
My sisters' reactions when they felt her move.
The strength we have gained through faith in the Lord.
Being blessed with excellent medical care.
Hearing her small cry after she was delivered, and seeing her small little body.
Holding her for the first time.
Whenever I hold and kiss her.
Seeing Vince interact and love her.
Watching my family hold and love her.
Giving her a bath.
Seeing her wonderful smile.
When she finally ate her whole bottle.
Watching her scream as I do a normal mother thing that makes a baby cry: changing her diaper. When I guess what she is crying about right.
The support we have received from family and friends.

Downs:

Spotting and ending up in the ER after finally getting pregnant and fearing I was losing her.
Hearing there was a problem with the triple screen test.
Having to sit there as the ultrasound tech went to get the doctor because she was concerned about what she was seeing on the screen.
Worrying if she had Spina Bifida.
Worrying every time they put the ultrasound wand on me that she would still be there alive. Once she started moving, I could relax about that one.
Being told she was coming early, that my placenta was failing.
When she parked her head in my hip, and gave me sciatica, which still exists.
Talking to a neonatologist (who did a wonderful job) about hospice care, and what we should expect with a very early baby. Thankfully she stayed put longer than expected.
Worrying about what the next ultrasound would show.
Dealing with work and having to go on bed rest.
Being on bed rest. How boring and inane day time TV is.
All the non-stress tests. All the waiting at the doctor's offices.
Having to have an early c-section.
Being told the non-stress test was not positive at 30 weeks and that I might be having her that day.
The way I swelled up after the steroid shots. (The steroid shots did wonderful things to her lungs, but no-so wonderful things to me.)
Being told I can't hold her.
Getting a cold sore and being told I can't see her.
The frustration at how slow she is learning to eat.
Leaving her in the hospital to go home.(Every time)
Having her whisked from the c-section room and worrying how she was doing.
Tape Burn from my c-section bandage. (Hurt worse than the incision)
Healing from surgery while having to go to the hospital to see my baby.
Being back at work 2 weeks after having her because I used all my leave and most of my FMLA time while on bed rest.
Dealing with the social worker.
The frustration at the lack of control over our lives.
That she is still in the hospital. I swear everyone else in the NICU has already gone home.
The stress that this is causing on myself, Vince, our families and friends.
The guilt I am feeling because my body failed my little girl. I know I did nothing wrong, but I still feel that I let her down.
The feeling that I just want to pick her up and leave, knowing that I can't do that.

Vince and I have been very blessed to have her in our lives. Today I am feeling rather down as it is her due date, and she is still not home. I was sure we would be home before now. I am now worried that she won't come home until after Vince leaves, and I won't get to have my little family under one roof for another month. I don't want to take her home from the hospital without him by my side.

I am very ready to move onto the next challenge in our lives: Having her home with us. The nurses do wonderful things, but I want her with us. I hate leaving her there. I hate laying her down when she wants to be held.

Today is the day that I should have had a healthy, fat baby. I was blessed with a small, scrawny baby instead. Her being born early meant we got to meet her early, and learn about her. We love her so much. Today I just can't help but grieve for what might have been. Looking like I was going to pop. Feeling a contraction and pushing her out. Holding her right after she was born. Taking her home with us. Having her home. Breast feeding her. Being alone with her. Having family and friends surround her. Taking her to the doctor's and having everyone fawn over her. (I go to my last check up tomorrow.) I know that we are very blessed, but today, I am mourning what will never be, and it is a large and painful loss to grieve.