So I'm still at home, on bed rest. May I say, I am BORED!!!!! I had to turn the laptop back into work, my PDA won't connect to my wireless network for shit, and our ancient desktop is less than portable and has a really uncomfortable desk chair in front of it. So I've been online a lot less. Vince's bonus should come soon, and we are buying a laptop, paying off the IRS, buying a camcorder, and making a large payment to MBNA with it. Can't wait. He re-upped in the Army for 6 years to get it, but since he was going to do that anyway, I'll take the money.
So I've been mostly compliant with the bed rest stuff. I'm sitting up now, but I've been on my side most of the day today. I'm not going anywhere tonight, so I can keep behaving. Yesterday, I went to Ogden to get my eyebrows (and other areas) waxed. I was growing a uni-brow. Funny, I was stuck in traffic, and I really did not mind (too much) because it was a wonderful sunny day and I was out among people doing normal things, such as waiting in traffic. You know you are bored when traffic is nice.
I just don't think that we understand how much of our interactions with people we get from being outside the home. I miss talking to my co-workers. I miss talking with clients. I miss the mental challenge of dealing with my clients who manipulate and are less than honest. I believe I would feel different if Sydney were here and I could talk to her, but she's (Thankfully) still growing and kicking.
So that is what I'm doing. I'm bored and on bed rest. At least I'm not in the hospital.
Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts, candles, etc. I feel the strength and am buoyed up by them. I am very at peace at what will happen. I feel this will all come out as it should. I go see Dr. Calm, my OB tomorrow. I'll tell you what she says.
Army Wife Blinkies
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Good News.....
Dah Dah Dah....
I'm still home. No hospital today for me. Yipee. I am home on bed rest, but I am not in the hospital! I am allowed to move about my home, and other such things, but I am to spend most of my day on my side. The other good news is that Sydney is growing, and her cord flow is improving, meaning all this side laying is working. I go see her again next week, and then the perinatologist the week after. Hopefully we will be back on the weekly visit routine. I am getting sick of medical appointments. So far, no steroids yet. Maybe next week. I am allowed to drive, and occasionally go out to eat. All good news!
Rather than a third exam ultrasound this week, Dr. Calm took a really cool 3-D picture of Sydney. As usual, Sydney wanted no part of cooperating with this. We saw a really cute picture of her appearing to lick her hand. We got a nice picture of her profile. She has a little button nose.
All in all, this was a rather pleasant doctor visit, which is a NICE change from the other visits we have had. Sydney's hear beat was good. She moved constantly. So I'm at home, but I'm not confined. I can shower, drive, make my own meals, go downstairs. Oh, I'm also off pelvic rest! Yeah! Do a little Dance, Make a little Love, get down to night!
She is still behind, but she is looking good. Things are looking up.
I'm still home. No hospital today for me. Yipee. I am home on bed rest, but I am not in the hospital! I am allowed to move about my home, and other such things, but I am to spend most of my day on my side. The other good news is that Sydney is growing, and her cord flow is improving, meaning all this side laying is working. I go see her again next week, and then the perinatologist the week after. Hopefully we will be back on the weekly visit routine. I am getting sick of medical appointments. So far, no steroids yet. Maybe next week. I am allowed to drive, and occasionally go out to eat. All good news!
Rather than a third exam ultrasound this week, Dr. Calm took a really cool 3-D picture of Sydney. As usual, Sydney wanted no part of cooperating with this. We saw a really cute picture of her appearing to lick her hand. We got a nice picture of her profile. She has a little button nose.
All in all, this was a rather pleasant doctor visit, which is a NICE change from the other visits we have had. Sydney's hear beat was good. She moved constantly. So I'm at home, but I'm not confined. I can shower, drive, make my own meals, go downstairs. Oh, I'm also off pelvic rest! Yeah! Do a little Dance, Make a little Love, get down to night!
She is still behind, but she is looking good. Things are looking up.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Where we are today...
Went for the second opinion today. Frankly, I can see why Trista calls her Dr. Blue Eyes, because her eyes are a pale blue, with a dark ring around them.
After waiting an hour for the ultrasound, I finally get in. The tech had an attitude, and I thought was a bit rough. Sydney was not cooperating, as usual, and the tech kept jiggling the probe up and down. I've tried other things before, but for some reason this just struck me as rough.
So here is where we are. I am 25 weeks, 5 days. Sydney is measuring 22 weeks, 6 days. There is a margin of error of plus or minus 10 days. Her weight is 515 grams, or lbs, 2 Oz's. Weight is UP!!! She is back on the 11th percentile. Remember normal is 10 and up. Still they are very concerned. There is still a great risk of intrauterine fetal demise. My uterine fluid is again lower than normal. (I think this is a reading problem because she said she had a hard time finding fluid without the cord). The cord blood flow is marginal, but within normal limits.
Dr. Blue Eyes seemed very pessimistic. I think she is a good doctor, and did a good job with the consult. She is really pushing that I get an amino. The reason is that while the assumption that the problems are because of placental insufficiency, there is a risk that this could be because of a chromosomal problem. If Sydney were to have a chromosomal problem incompatible with life, we may take different paths. One of her big concerns about this is that at the current time, it is highly likely I will have a classical Cesarean section. This is a horizontal skin cut, followed by a vertical uterine cut. The uterus thins as the baby grows, and the uterus is likely not thin enough to do the low horizontal cut. The vertical cut means I am Cesarean section for all further deliveries. It also causes risks to future pregnancies. She was really pushing this, but Vince and I needed to talk about this. An amino was a test I had decided I was not going to have, because I would not have an abortion. HOWEVER, if Sydney is not going to live, there is little cause to do an emergency Cesarean with the increased risks to me, and to any future children. Right now, I'm leaning toward having the test. I think Vince is a well.
Dr. Blue Eyes did suggest that we talk with a neonatologist. We ended up waiting until 1pm to see him. We ate crappy Burger King in the cafeteria. Dr. Jeans (he said he was not planning to "doctor" today and apologized for his attire.) was WONDERFUL. He was caring and understanding. He was the first doctor to inquire of her name, and referred to her as Sydney throughout the conversation. That little gesture is SO moving to me. It acknowledged that we are dealing with a person here who is loved and wanted. She is just small, and so far all we see is blurry images on the screen. He explained where we are. He discussed long term options, and what to expect in the short term. He feels I need the steroid shots sooner than later. He was clear in his discussion of the positives and negatives of where we are. He said several times we have reason to hope.
During the consult, he wanted to know our views on heroic measures. He suggested that we get the amnio so we don't put a child not compatible with life through unnecessary and pointless measures. That is really something to think about, and why I am leaning toward the amnio. He did not sugar coat the situation, but he did not give us an entirely dark view. He seemed optimistic, and I loved his attitude. After the rather downer consult with Dr. Blue Eyes, it was what I needed to hear. I'm not going to pretend that he said this was going to be peaches and cream, rather that this is doable, harder than anything we've ever done, but that this is what we have been dealt. He did say the problem with babies under 500 grams or so is they are very difficult to intubate. They only make the tubes so small, and sometimes the tubes don't fit. The road ahead will be very tough for Sydney, Wendy, and Vince.
Vince is really having a hard time with this. He is now worried about the baby and me. Mostly, other than whining about my sciatic pain, I'm not worried about me. He is. He really does not want me to have the classic c-section if there is no chance of positive result. He broke down in the cafeteria over the crappy burgers. He is also sick with a cold.
Before the perinatologist appointment on Thursday, we are touring the hospital and seeing the NICU. So far, my mom etc have been pushing for me to not live at the NICU when Sydney is there. One of the foster mom's I work with had 3 premies. She was in the hospital for most of her last pregnancy. She gave me tips on how to survive the hospital. She also said if I want to live at the NICU, I can. If I need a break, it is OK to go home. Honestly, I kind of felt I needed permission to do what I want and what is good for me, Vince, and Sydney. I might want to live there, and I might need to escape to the movie theater for some escapist entertainment if I'm overwhelmed. I might want to stay there with her, and I might just want to go home and pet my cats and sleep in my bed. I might never want to leave her side, or I likely will need breaks. She told me to call her anytime. Not sure if I will take her up on that, but I will put her cell into my personal PDA.
So that is where we are. The hospital does not have Wi-Fi.... GRRRR. I'm working on figuring out how to have internet access there. I'll work something out. Calling my ISP to see about if my high speed will work in any phone line.
Today was TOUGH. I'm kind of shell shocked. I know Vince is. He is currently watching "The Incredibles" escapist entertainment for him. I'm glad he is getting a break. This has been the hardest thing we have been through, and I thought that his brother's accident and paralysis were hard. However, in that situation, I was not as upset as he was, so one of us could be calmer. We are currently kind of trading who gets to be broken down and who has to be strong. Today was my day to be strong. Yesterday was his day. I am glad that we have a strong foundation of our relationship and marriage to have as a base. I don't know if we were newlyweds if we could survive this. We are taking things one day at a time, and are leaning on each other. I know my mom feels left out, because she wanted to go to the hospital with me for the tour. I just said that Vince is going, and thanked her for offering.
I am sure that she is upset about this, kind of in the same way Vince is. This is happening to her first born, and her first born's first born. I know she loves me, even if she can be really inappropriate at times. I'm TRYING very hard to cut people the slack I would want to have cut to me at this time.
I'm dreading the NICU. A current coping technique I have is anger, defensiveness, and sarcasm. Sometimes it is that or cry. I don't want to be labeled "Bitch" in my chart, but I am worried that I will snap at them, rather than let them see me weak. The total lack of control over ANYTHING is overwhelming. Often clients lash out at me rather than at themselves or someone they love, and that is what I am fearing I will do with the nurses. I don't want to be cruel, but I honestly rather be mean to a nurse than to Vince, my family or friends. I don't have to deal with the nurses in a year, or go home with them. The nurses can make life a living hell for you if they want to, so I'll do my best.
After waiting an hour for the ultrasound, I finally get in. The tech had an attitude, and I thought was a bit rough. Sydney was not cooperating, as usual, and the tech kept jiggling the probe up and down. I've tried other things before, but for some reason this just struck me as rough.
So here is where we are. I am 25 weeks, 5 days. Sydney is measuring 22 weeks, 6 days. There is a margin of error of plus or minus 10 days. Her weight is 515 grams, or lbs, 2 Oz's. Weight is UP!!! She is back on the 11th percentile. Remember normal is 10 and up. Still they are very concerned. There is still a great risk of intrauterine fetal demise. My uterine fluid is again lower than normal. (I think this is a reading problem because she said she had a hard time finding fluid without the cord). The cord blood flow is marginal, but within normal limits.
Dr. Blue Eyes seemed very pessimistic. I think she is a good doctor, and did a good job with the consult. She is really pushing that I get an amino. The reason is that while the assumption that the problems are because of placental insufficiency, there is a risk that this could be because of a chromosomal problem. If Sydney were to have a chromosomal problem incompatible with life, we may take different paths. One of her big concerns about this is that at the current time, it is highly likely I will have a classical Cesarean section. This is a horizontal skin cut, followed by a vertical uterine cut. The uterus thins as the baby grows, and the uterus is likely not thin enough to do the low horizontal cut. The vertical cut means I am Cesarean section for all further deliveries. It also causes risks to future pregnancies. She was really pushing this, but Vince and I needed to talk about this. An amino was a test I had decided I was not going to have, because I would not have an abortion. HOWEVER, if Sydney is not going to live, there is little cause to do an emergency Cesarean with the increased risks to me, and to any future children. Right now, I'm leaning toward having the test. I think Vince is a well.
Dr. Blue Eyes did suggest that we talk with a neonatologist. We ended up waiting until 1pm to see him. We ate crappy Burger King in the cafeteria. Dr. Jeans (he said he was not planning to "doctor" today and apologized for his attire.) was WONDERFUL. He was caring and understanding. He was the first doctor to inquire of her name, and referred to her as Sydney throughout the conversation. That little gesture is SO moving to me. It acknowledged that we are dealing with a person here who is loved and wanted. She is just small, and so far all we see is blurry images on the screen. He explained where we are. He discussed long term options, and what to expect in the short term. He feels I need the steroid shots sooner than later. He was clear in his discussion of the positives and negatives of where we are. He said several times we have reason to hope.
During the consult, he wanted to know our views on heroic measures. He suggested that we get the amnio so we don't put a child not compatible with life through unnecessary and pointless measures. That is really something to think about, and why I am leaning toward the amnio. He did not sugar coat the situation, but he did not give us an entirely dark view. He seemed optimistic, and I loved his attitude. After the rather downer consult with Dr. Blue Eyes, it was what I needed to hear. I'm not going to pretend that he said this was going to be peaches and cream, rather that this is doable, harder than anything we've ever done, but that this is what we have been dealt. He did say the problem with babies under 500 grams or so is they are very difficult to intubate. They only make the tubes so small, and sometimes the tubes don't fit. The road ahead will be very tough for Sydney, Wendy, and Vince.
Vince is really having a hard time with this. He is now worried about the baby and me. Mostly, other than whining about my sciatic pain, I'm not worried about me. He is. He really does not want me to have the classic c-section if there is no chance of positive result. He broke down in the cafeteria over the crappy burgers. He is also sick with a cold.
Before the perinatologist appointment on Thursday, we are touring the hospital and seeing the NICU. So far, my mom etc have been pushing for me to not live at the NICU when Sydney is there. One of the foster mom's I work with had 3 premies. She was in the hospital for most of her last pregnancy. She gave me tips on how to survive the hospital. She also said if I want to live at the NICU, I can. If I need a break, it is OK to go home. Honestly, I kind of felt I needed permission to do what I want and what is good for me, Vince, and Sydney. I might want to live there, and I might need to escape to the movie theater for some escapist entertainment if I'm overwhelmed. I might want to stay there with her, and I might just want to go home and pet my cats and sleep in my bed. I might never want to leave her side, or I likely will need breaks. She told me to call her anytime. Not sure if I will take her up on that, but I will put her cell into my personal PDA.
So that is where we are. The hospital does not have Wi-Fi.... GRRRR. I'm working on figuring out how to have internet access there. I'll work something out. Calling my ISP to see about if my high speed will work in any phone line.
Today was TOUGH. I'm kind of shell shocked. I know Vince is. He is currently watching "The Incredibles" escapist entertainment for him. I'm glad he is getting a break. This has been the hardest thing we have been through, and I thought that his brother's accident and paralysis were hard. However, in that situation, I was not as upset as he was, so one of us could be calmer. We are currently kind of trading who gets to be broken down and who has to be strong. Today was my day to be strong. Yesterday was his day. I am glad that we have a strong foundation of our relationship and marriage to have as a base. I don't know if we were newlyweds if we could survive this. We are taking things one day at a time, and are leaning on each other. I know my mom feels left out, because she wanted to go to the hospital with me for the tour. I just said that Vince is going, and thanked her for offering.
I am sure that she is upset about this, kind of in the same way Vince is. This is happening to her first born, and her first born's first born. I know she loves me, even if she can be really inappropriate at times. I'm TRYING very hard to cut people the slack I would want to have cut to me at this time.
I'm dreading the NICU. A current coping technique I have is anger, defensiveness, and sarcasm. Sometimes it is that or cry. I don't want to be labeled "Bitch" in my chart, but I am worried that I will snap at them, rather than let them see me weak. The total lack of control over ANYTHING is overwhelming. Often clients lash out at me rather than at themselves or someone they love, and that is what I am fearing I will do with the nurses. I don't want to be cruel, but I honestly rather be mean to a nurse than to Vince, my family or friends. I don't have to deal with the nurses in a year, or go home with them. The nurses can make life a living hell for you if they want to, so I'll do my best.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
And so it goes
Where we are today....
At my doctor's appointment on Thursday, here is what we learned......
At my doctor's appointment on Thursday, here is what we learned......
- Sydney is now measuring 3.5 weeks behind, up from measuring 4 weeks behind. She did grow this last week.
- Sydney hates ultrasounds. Seriously, they get out the wand, and she really starts moving.
- I do not have gestational diabetes. My blood pressure (a really big concern) is fine. I am not anemic.
- My amniotic fluid is normal as well.
- Cervix is closed.
However, serious concerns exist. Basically, I'm being admitted to the hospital next Thursday, or Friday at the latest. I'll be on a WHOLE lot of monitoring, and even more bed rest. I'm still on partial bed rest this week. I have a week to tie up the lose ends at work. If things go WELL, I hopefully will be in the hospital 6-8 weeks. However, I could have her on Friday, or any time after that. I'm 25 weeks, 2 days today. She is still not 500 grams.
What Dr Calm, my OB says is that the decision to give me the steroid shots is a complicated one. They wear off, and they can't give me another dose when they wear off. She also said that babies born small for gestational weight actually do better in the NICU than correct sized babies, because their systems are already used to stress. When the human body gets stressed, it protects the brain, heart and lungs. We bay be surprised to see her lungs are very developed. There is a protective factor for IUGR babies that is not understood, but it continues to protect their brains.
So Tuesday, I go see Trista's Dr Blue Eyes for a second opinion. Dr. Calm saw me filling out the forms, and I started to feel bad about wanting one. She said that she is from back East, and people do second and third opinions there all the time. She does not know why people here don't do them as often. She did warn me not to be surprised if Doctor Blue Eyes tells me the same information. I told her I won't be, I just want to have another set of eyes on the problem. I am to have Doctor Blue Eyes call Dr Calm on Tuesday. It is likely that Dr Blue Eyes, Dr Calm and Dr Malpractice * will pow wow Thursday. I then see the perinatologist on Thursday. If he does not put me in the hospital on Thursday, Julia will be doing that on Friday when I go see her. She will allow me to have Vince bring my pets to visit me outside the hospital. I also get to decorate my room. I'm thinking spray paint. (joke)
So I told my supervisor this on Friday. I gave her the doctor's note, and will give her the rest of the FMLA paperwork on Monday. She did not seem thrilled. Oh well. I don't give a shit right now. Right now, Sydney needs her mom more than anything. Sydney needs her mom to be taken care of and not stressed. One of my co-workers pointed out, what will matter most in 20 years. The answer is a no-brain-er. I need to rest, be monitored, and be available for Sydney. Nothing else matters. I have 10 weeks of leave right now. I'll earn another before I run out. They passed the FMLA laws for a reason. I feel bad about my cases going to my already overburdened co-workers, but I cannot help that. I did not create the situation where there is a shortage of caseworkers, management did. I removed a kid on Friday, making my caseload 23. Another child on my caseload will likely be removed on Thursday, making my caseload 24. That is a LOT to disperse, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Sydney is more important than much else right now.
I am a bit frustrated with the hospital. I've been trying to arrange a tour for a week now. My call got returned on Friday, and no one called me back. I have a lot of questions for them, which I would like answered. Some of them are...
- Is there Wi-Fi? If not, how will I have internet access? (I just can't be cut off if I am laying there for weeks.)
- I'm bringing an Xbox. Do I need to bring the adaptor?
- What is the food like?
- Can I leave for a while during the day, or am I here for good?
- Other assorted hospital questions.
I wish they had called me back.
Also, Vince is frustrating me. I ask him to do something for me, and half an hour later he does it. Example, I asked him to put my favorite XBox game in before he left to run errands. He said that since he just put on lotion, he should wait. I got upset and asked him to just do it. He got all mad and did it, then stomped off. I know he is stressed, but to get me up is a major production. Tables and pillows have to be moved, plus it hurts. Grrrr. He's been like that all day. His mom then my family came over to clean up our home. He was a real bear the whole time. I know he likes his privacy, but we need the help, because he is not doing anything and I can't. I've tried thanking him, being extra nice to him, paying attention to him, letting him watch what he wants, etc, but he is just being really cranky.
Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts, etc. They are helping a lot, and I feel the strength being sent to me.
* While googling VBAC, I came across the fact that the Perinatologist I like the best, is on the board of the largest malpractice insurer for Utah. Oddly, he seemed to be the only perinatologist NOT practicing lawsuit avoidance medicine. I've named him Doctor Malpratice, not because I think he is a bad doctor, but because of his position on a board all about avoiding lawsuits.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Amazing Grace
I have no words to describe my feelings. I was VERY caught off guard by Trista's caring post. I was surprised when I checked my hotmail box ans found comments by people who are regulars to Trista's blog, but have never posted on mine. Took me a bit before I checked her blog and saw her post.
I am amazed at how strangers were so willing to send me positive energy. I have felt the strength this is giving me.
I am currently surviving on the strength that the prayers, lighted candles, positive thoughts, and well wishes being sent Sydney and my way. I feel the strength that the love of strangers, my family, friends, co-workers and the Lord are sending to me.
I'm LDS, and we believe in the laying on of hands. I received a blessing last night, and I am (currently) at peace with the future. The blessing I received was not one where a miracle happens, however I heard what I needed to hear, and I have been blessed. I am doing better trusting the Lord. In the blessings I received sacred promises, which I may post at a later time, but not now.
A very calming aspect of this blessing was the assurance that I am and will continue to receive the best medical care. How grateful I am for this. One of the worries I have been having is that if I change doctors, I'll get a different answer. I WILL continue on with my second opinion, but I have more trust in the perinatologists I'll be seeing. I do not believe that this pregnancy is going to get any easier, in fact, I have the belief that the medical complications will get worse before they get better. I am very sure Sydney is coming early, and will be very sick.
Are my worries gone. NO. However I have more faith that this is happening how it is intended to happen, and that how my pregnancy is progressing is in the hands of the Lord, and is happening according to His plan, not mine. I'm pretty resigned to bed rest, and am just praying that I can continue on the partial bed rest I have been doing. Whatever I have to do, I will do.
Your continued prayers, lighted candles, and positive thoughts will be gratefully appreciated. I happen to believe in a loving God, and that the strength of petitions to that God is not confined to one religion or belief system. I am grateful for all the petitions sent in any manner on my behalf.
Thank You does not cover the depth of my emotions and feelings, but thank all of you. I see my OB tomorrow. I'll update then.
I am amazed at how strangers were so willing to send me positive energy. I have felt the strength this is giving me.
I am currently surviving on the strength that the prayers, lighted candles, positive thoughts, and well wishes being sent Sydney and my way. I feel the strength that the love of strangers, my family, friends, co-workers and the Lord are sending to me.
I'm LDS, and we believe in the laying on of hands. I received a blessing last night, and I am (currently) at peace with the future. The blessing I received was not one where a miracle happens, however I heard what I needed to hear, and I have been blessed. I am doing better trusting the Lord. In the blessings I received sacred promises, which I may post at a later time, but not now.
A very calming aspect of this blessing was the assurance that I am and will continue to receive the best medical care. How grateful I am for this. One of the worries I have been having is that if I change doctors, I'll get a different answer. I WILL continue on with my second opinion, but I have more trust in the perinatologists I'll be seeing. I do not believe that this pregnancy is going to get any easier, in fact, I have the belief that the medical complications will get worse before they get better. I am very sure Sydney is coming early, and will be very sick.
Are my worries gone. NO. However I have more faith that this is happening how it is intended to happen, and that how my pregnancy is progressing is in the hands of the Lord, and is happening according to His plan, not mine. I'm pretty resigned to bed rest, and am just praying that I can continue on the partial bed rest I have been doing. Whatever I have to do, I will do.
Your continued prayers, lighted candles, and positive thoughts will be gratefully appreciated. I happen to believe in a loving God, and that the strength of petitions to that God is not confined to one religion or belief system. I am grateful for all the petitions sent in any manner on my behalf.
Thank You does not cover the depth of my emotions and feelings, but thank all of you. I see my OB tomorrow. I'll update then.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Why I have not updated lately
Hi there....
Well, where to start. I have had an impossible time writing this. I have not updated my blog for some time, because I just cannot write this.
I'm currently 24 weeks, 5 days. When my baby was measured last week, at 24 weeks, she measured 20 weeks, 6 days. She has been on a small growth rate, but her growth had been steady. Her growth has slowed down. They are concerned of poor blood flow from the placenta to the baby. At last measurement, she weighed 440 grams. They want her to get over 600 grams to deliver her. What they are trying to do is leave her in me as long as possible, and deliver her before the placenta fails.
This is VERY scary. When you dream of a pregnancy, this is not what you dream and pray for. I am so grateful she is coming, but honestly I am grieving having a fat healthy baby. I still barely show, and am getting compliments about how great I look. Little do they know that I am small, because my baby is dangerously small.
I'm having a blessing tonight. Frankly, the only thing right now is for me to pray and lay on my side. I'm on partial bed rest. Heavenly Father is in charge, and this is VERY hard for me right now. Until she is bigger, doctors cannot do anything. The hope is that she is bigger next week, and I will get the steroid shots, and help her lungs, because right now we are looking at having a micropremie. I keep thinking of the scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy path." I'm clinging to my belief that if something happens to her, I will still be her mommy, and be able to raise her. I wish there was clarification on what happens to stillborn babies. Been thinking about writing President Hinckley about that one. (I am bored.)
We are trying to cling to the joy of a new life. She has a name, Sydney Jeanne. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent this, but I cannot help but feel very guilty, as if I am being punished for my sins. I don't believe that is the way the Lord works, but I cannot help but think this.
If you could pray for my little one, I would appreciate it. From the miracle of her conception to the spotting at 6 weeks, to the recent Inter-uterine growth restriction diagnosis, this has been a very trying and draining experience. Add to this, the pregnancy is irritating my sciatic nerve, and I am in pain a lot. I have been on weekly visits to either a perinatologist or my OB for 2 months at this point. The specialist last week said if we could get 6 more weeks from this pregnancy, it would be a miracle. I believe in miracles and I believe they still happen every day. I am praying for that miracle so Sydney has a better chance at life.
I have tried about 3 times to post this. I keep stopping and being unable to write this. I have two updates in draft. To speak the words and to write the words have been very hard to do.
Well, where to start. I have had an impossible time writing this. I have not updated my blog for some time, because I just cannot write this.
I'm currently 24 weeks, 5 days. When my baby was measured last week, at 24 weeks, she measured 20 weeks, 6 days. She has been on a small growth rate, but her growth had been steady. Her growth has slowed down. They are concerned of poor blood flow from the placenta to the baby. At last measurement, she weighed 440 grams. They want her to get over 600 grams to deliver her. What they are trying to do is leave her in me as long as possible, and deliver her before the placenta fails.
This is VERY scary. When you dream of a pregnancy, this is not what you dream and pray for. I am so grateful she is coming, but honestly I am grieving having a fat healthy baby. I still barely show, and am getting compliments about how great I look. Little do they know that I am small, because my baby is dangerously small.
I'm having a blessing tonight. Frankly, the only thing right now is for me to pray and lay on my side. I'm on partial bed rest. Heavenly Father is in charge, and this is VERY hard for me right now. Until she is bigger, doctors cannot do anything. The hope is that she is bigger next week, and I will get the steroid shots, and help her lungs, because right now we are looking at having a micropremie. I keep thinking of the scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy path." I'm clinging to my belief that if something happens to her, I will still be her mommy, and be able to raise her. I wish there was clarification on what happens to stillborn babies. Been thinking about writing President Hinckley about that one. (I am bored.)
We are trying to cling to the joy of a new life. She has a name, Sydney Jeanne. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent this, but I cannot help but feel very guilty, as if I am being punished for my sins. I don't believe that is the way the Lord works, but I cannot help but think this.
If you could pray for my little one, I would appreciate it. From the miracle of her conception to the spotting at 6 weeks, to the recent Inter-uterine growth restriction diagnosis, this has been a very trying and draining experience. Add to this, the pregnancy is irritating my sciatic nerve, and I am in pain a lot. I have been on weekly visits to either a perinatologist or my OB for 2 months at this point. The specialist last week said if we could get 6 more weeks from this pregnancy, it would be a miracle. I believe in miracles and I believe they still happen every day. I am praying for that miracle so Sydney has a better chance at life.
I have tried about 3 times to post this. I keep stopping and being unable to write this. I have two updates in draft. To speak the words and to write the words have been very hard to do.
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Blinkies about me
Sydney's blinkies
Mommy blinkies
Nicu Blinkies
Breast Feeding Blinkies
Blinkin 4 A Cause
