Where we are today...

Went for the second opinion today. Frankly, I can see why Trista calls her Dr. Blue Eyes, because her eyes are a pale blue, with a dark ring around them.

After waiting an hour for the ultrasound, I finally get in. The tech had an attitude, and I thought was a bit rough. Sydney was not cooperating, as usual, and the tech kept jiggling the probe up and down. I've tried other things before, but for some reason this just struck me as rough.

So here is where we are. I am 25 weeks, 5 days. Sydney is measuring 22 weeks, 6 days. There is a margin of error of plus or minus 10 days. Her weight is 515 grams, or lbs, 2 Oz's. Weight is UP!!! She is back on the 11th percentile. Remember normal is 10 and up. Still they are very concerned. There is still a great risk of intrauterine fetal demise. My uterine fluid is again lower than normal. (I think this is a reading problem because she said she had a hard time finding fluid without the cord). The cord blood flow is marginal, but within normal limits.

Dr. Blue Eyes seemed very pessimistic. I think she is a good doctor, and did a good job with the consult. She is really pushing that I get an amino. The reason is that while the assumption that the problems are because of placental insufficiency, there is a risk that this could be because of a chromosomal problem. If Sydney were to have a chromosomal problem incompatible with life, we may take different paths. One of her big concerns about this is that at the current time, it is highly likely I will have a classical Cesarean section. This is a horizontal skin cut, followed by a vertical uterine cut. The uterus thins as the baby grows, and the uterus is likely not thin enough to do the low horizontal cut. The vertical cut means I am Cesarean section for all further deliveries. It also causes risks to future pregnancies. She was really pushing this, but Vince and I needed to talk about this. An amino was a test I had decided I was not going to have, because I would not have an abortion. HOWEVER, if Sydney is not going to live, there is little cause to do an emergency Cesarean with the increased risks to me, and to any future children. Right now, I'm leaning toward having the test. I think Vince is a well.

Dr. Blue Eyes did suggest that we talk with a neonatologist. We ended up waiting until 1pm to see him. We ate crappy Burger King in the cafeteria. Dr. Jeans (he said he was not planning to "doctor" today and apologized for his attire.) was WONDERFUL. He was caring and understanding. He was the first doctor to inquire of her name, and referred to her as Sydney throughout the conversation. That little gesture is SO moving to me. It acknowledged that we are dealing with a person here who is loved and wanted. She is just small, and so far all we see is blurry images on the screen. He explained where we are. He discussed long term options, and what to expect in the short term. He feels I need the steroid shots sooner than later. He was clear in his discussion of the positives and negatives of where we are. He said several times we have reason to hope.

During the consult, he wanted to know our views on heroic measures. He suggested that we get the amnio so we don't put a child not compatible with life through unnecessary and pointless measures. That is really something to think about, and why I am leaning toward the amnio. He did not sugar coat the situation, but he did not give us an entirely dark view. He seemed optimistic, and I loved his attitude. After the rather downer consult with Dr. Blue Eyes, it was what I needed to hear. I'm not going to pretend that he said this was going to be peaches and cream, rather that this is doable, harder than anything we've ever done, but that this is what we have been dealt. He did say the problem with babies under 500 grams or so is they are very difficult to intubate. They only make the tubes so small, and sometimes the tubes don't fit. The road ahead will be very tough for Sydney, Wendy, and Vince.

Vince is really having a hard time with this. He is now worried about the baby and me. Mostly, other than whining about my sciatic pain, I'm not worried about me. He is. He really does not want me to have the classic c-section if there is no chance of positive result. He broke down in the cafeteria over the crappy burgers. He is also sick with a cold.

Before the perinatologist appointment on Thursday, we are touring the hospital and seeing the NICU. So far, my mom etc have been pushing for me to not live at the NICU when Sydney is there. One of the foster mom's I work with had 3 premies. She was in the hospital for most of her last pregnancy. She gave me tips on how to survive the hospital. She also said if I want to live at the NICU, I can. If I need a break, it is OK to go home. Honestly, I kind of felt I needed permission to do what I want and what is good for me, Vince, and Sydney. I might want to live there, and I might need to escape to the movie theater for some escapist entertainment if I'm overwhelmed. I might want to stay there with her, and I might just want to go home and pet my cats and sleep in my bed. I might never want to leave her side, or I likely will need breaks. She told me to call her anytime. Not sure if I will take her up on that, but I will put her cell into my personal PDA.

So that is where we are. The hospital does not have Wi-Fi.... GRRRR. I'm working on figuring out how to have internet access there. I'll work something out. Calling my ISP to see about if my high speed will work in any phone line.

Today was TOUGH. I'm kind of shell shocked. I know Vince is. He is currently watching "The Incredibles" escapist entertainment for him. I'm glad he is getting a break. This has been the hardest thing we have been through, and I thought that his brother's accident and paralysis were hard. However, in that situation, I was not as upset as he was, so one of us could be calmer. We are currently kind of trading who gets to be broken down and who has to be strong. Today was my day to be strong. Yesterday was his day. I am glad that we have a strong foundation of our relationship and marriage to have as a base. I don't know if we were newlyweds if we could survive this. We are taking things one day at a time, and are leaning on each other. I know my mom feels left out, because she wanted to go to the hospital with me for the tour. I just said that Vince is going, and thanked her for offering.

I am sure that she is upset about this, kind of in the same way Vince is. This is happening to her first born, and her first born's first born. I know she loves me, even if she can be really inappropriate at times. I'm TRYING very hard to cut people the slack I would want to have cut to me at this time.

I'm dreading the NICU. A current coping technique I have is anger, defensiveness, and sarcasm. Sometimes it is that or cry. I don't want to be labeled "Bitch" in my chart, but I am worried that I will snap at them, rather than let them see me weak. The total lack of control over ANYTHING is overwhelming. Often clients lash out at me rather than at themselves or someone they love, and that is what I am fearing I will do with the nurses. I don't want to be cruel, but I honestly rather be mean to a nurse than to Vince, my family or friends. I don't have to deal with the nurses in a year, or go home with them. The nurses can make life a living hell for you if they want to, so I'll do my best.