Why I have not updated lately

Hi there....
Well, where to start. I have had an impossible time writing this. I have not updated my blog for some time, because I just cannot write this.

I'm currently 24 weeks, 5 days. When my baby was measured last week, at 24 weeks, she measured 20 weeks, 6 days. She has been on a small growth rate, but her growth had been steady. Her growth has slowed down. They are concerned of poor blood flow from the placenta to the baby. At last measurement, she weighed 440 grams. They want her to get over 600 grams to deliver her. What they are trying to do is leave her in me as long as possible, and deliver her before the placenta fails.

This is VERY scary. When you dream of a pregnancy, this is not what you dream and pray for. I am so grateful she is coming, but honestly I am grieving having a fat healthy baby. I still barely show, and am getting compliments about how great I look. Little do they know that I am small, because my baby is dangerously small.

I'm having a blessing tonight. Frankly, the only thing right now is for me to pray and lay on my side. I'm on partial bed rest. Heavenly Father is in charge, and this is VERY hard for me right now. Until she is bigger, doctors cannot do anything. The hope is that she is bigger next week, and I will get the steroid shots, and help her lungs, because right now we are looking at having a micropremie. I keep thinking of the scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy path." I'm clinging to my belief that if something happens to her, I will still be her mommy, and be able to raise her. I wish there was clarification on what happens to stillborn babies. Been thinking about writing President Hinckley about that one. (I am bored.)

We are trying to cling to the joy of a new life. She has a name, Sydney Jeanne. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent this, but I cannot help but feel very guilty, as if I am being punished for my sins. I don't believe that is the way the Lord works, but I cannot help but think this.

If you could pray for my little one, I would appreciate it. From the miracle of her conception to the spotting at 6 weeks, to the recent Inter-uterine growth restriction diagnosis, this has been a very trying and draining experience. Add to this, the pregnancy is irritating my sciatic nerve, and I am in pain a lot. I have been on weekly visits to either a perinatologist or my OB for 2 months at this point. The specialist last week said if we could get 6 more weeks from this pregnancy, it would be a miracle. I believe in miracles and I believe they still happen every day. I am praying for that miracle so Sydney has a better chance at life.

I have tried about 3 times to post this. I keep stopping and being unable to write this. I have two updates in draft. To speak the words and to write the words have been very hard to do.