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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Why I have not updated lately

Hi there....
Well, where to start. I have had an impossible time writing this. I have not updated my blog for some time, because I just cannot write this.

I'm currently 24 weeks, 5 days. When my baby was measured last week, at 24 weeks, she measured 20 weeks, 6 days. She has been on a small growth rate, but her growth had been steady. Her growth has slowed down. They are concerned of poor blood flow from the placenta to the baby. At last measurement, she weighed 440 grams. They want her to get over 600 grams to deliver her. What they are trying to do is leave her in me as long as possible, and deliver her before the placenta fails.

This is VERY scary. When you dream of a pregnancy, this is not what you dream and pray for. I am so grateful she is coming, but honestly I am grieving having a fat healthy baby. I still barely show, and am getting compliments about how great I look. Little do they know that I am small, because my baby is dangerously small.

I'm having a blessing tonight. Frankly, the only thing right now is for me to pray and lay on my side. I'm on partial bed rest. Heavenly Father is in charge, and this is VERY hard for me right now. Until she is bigger, doctors cannot do anything. The hope is that she is bigger next week, and I will get the steroid shots, and help her lungs, because right now we are looking at having a micropremie. I keep thinking of the scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thy heart. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy path." I'm clinging to my belief that if something happens to her, I will still be her mommy, and be able to raise her. I wish there was clarification on what happens to stillborn babies. Been thinking about writing President Hinckley about that one. (I am bored.)

We are trying to cling to the joy of a new life. She has a name, Sydney Jeanne. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent this, but I cannot help but feel very guilty, as if I am being punished for my sins. I don't believe that is the way the Lord works, but I cannot help but think this.

If you could pray for my little one, I would appreciate it. From the miracle of her conception to the spotting at 6 weeks, to the recent Inter-uterine growth restriction diagnosis, this has been a very trying and draining experience. Add to this, the pregnancy is irritating my sciatic nerve, and I am in pain a lot. I have been on weekly visits to either a perinatologist or my OB for 2 months at this point. The specialist last week said if we could get 6 more weeks from this pregnancy, it would be a miracle. I believe in miracles and I believe they still happen every day. I am praying for that miracle so Sydney has a better chance at life.

I have tried about 3 times to post this. I keep stopping and being unable to write this. I have two updates in draft. To speak the words and to write the words have been very hard to do.

21 comments:

Trista said...

Wendy, no matter what happens, you will always be Sydney's mother. Always, always, always.

I'm lighting candles for you tonight. You can borrow Kristin and Julia whenever you need. And Hold on for Dr. Blue Eyes. She's the best.

starevelina said...

Wendy, I'm so sorry this is happening- I can't imagine how scary and upsetting it must be. I'll light a candle this evening, too, and I hope Sydney and your family will be doing better soon. -Kate-

Molly said...

You and Sydney are absolutely both in my prayers.

Sublime said...

Don't worry and don't think that God is punishing your sins by doing this to you baby, he will be with her at the time of birth and you'll see that in no time you will be writing about the happines she has brought to your life.

I will pray for you and Sydney.

Anne said...

You don't know me, but Trista linked to your blog so I came over here and read your post. It sounds really scary, but little ones can be amazingly strong (and so can mothers). Thoughts and prayers are headed in your direction from Indiana, for you and for little Sydney Jeanne.

hd said...

You don't know me, either--I found you through Trista as well. Life is full of irony. A few years ago the daughter of a friend of a friend I work with had to, for reasons I cannot remember, deliver her daughter at 19 weeks. Tori weighed 1.8 pounds when she was born. She was ridiculously small. She spent a long time in an incubator, sleeping and growing. Today I was in my friend's office, and I saw a picture of a little girl that I'd never noticed before--a tall, round-faced, smiling, beautiful little girl standing on two strong legs, looking at the camera through two bright eyes. "Who is that," I asked. "That's Tori," my friend said. Tori the preemie. She is healthy and happy and 100% normal and okay, and I have no doubt she got that way through lots of love (which I'm sure your daughter will get from you) and lots of prayers (which you're now getting from lots of us). Keep the faith.

art-sweet said...

Also coming from Trista's... holding you and your bambino in my prayers, my heart, my thoughts...

Sacha said...

coming from Trista too...

Sydney is a beautiful name. And Trista is right, you ARE her mother and always will be.

I'm keeping Sydney in my thoughts, that she can make it through a few more days and get stronger, find those grams she needs.

And I'm keeping you in my thoughts too.

charlotte said...

I agree that you will always be her mommy. Nomatter what. I am thinking of you and your little one even though I don't know you.

Faith said...

Wendy,
You are Sydney's mother now, and you will always be her mother! Even if there's nothing official stating that, I know it in my heart. You are in my thoughts daily, and in my prayers as well.

Much love,
Faith

Jen said...

Sending you strength and courage, via Trista's blog.

Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Coming from Trista too-- I'm praying so hard for you. Just praying. Maybe a story to make you feel better? A friend of mine just had her baby two weeks ago. She also was not showing a lot baby growth, and went into preterm labor at 21 weeks. They staved that off, gave her some steriods, and put her on bed rest. She was able to make it until 38 weeks. I'm going to pray you have a similar wonderful outcome--

Rachelle said...

hugs to you! I am sending prayers your way! Keep us informed.

Mandy said...

I will keep you and Sydney in my thoughts and prayers. I can only imagine how scared you are right now. Follow your faith, it will guide you through this uncertain time.

One of my best friends had her little girl, Victoria when she was 29wks5days pg. Kris had been in and out of the hospital on bed rest. The doctors had no idea what was causing the ptl. They did everything they could to stop the ctx but Victoria insisted on being born anyways. Two wks later emergency surgery showed that Kris' uterus, ovaries, appendix and colon were pretty much mush from an infection. They managed to salvage her colon. Victoria being born early saved both of their lives. At the time we struggled to understand why she came so early.

I pray that things work out for the best and you may come to understand why this is happening.

Estelle said...

Oh honey. We'll be keeping you in our thoughts around here.

Danielle said...

I know we talked about all this the other day, but just remember what we said. Julia came early too, everything about her experience was so identical to what you are going through now. I cannot imagin my life without her in it. She is tiny, she is delayed, but she is blessed with the sweetest spirit of anyone I have ever known. The Lord knows what we need and when we need it. Julia saved our lives in a way. And I know she knew what she was doing when she came early. I love you girl, you will do great.

Anonymous Assclown said...

Thoughts and prayers from concerned random internet stranger. I'm definitely pulling for you and your family

Hoping said...

I am coming over via Trista's blog to send you miracle wishes and love.

M. said...

Another blog newbie here to give you all my best wishes and prayers. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can't imagine how scared you must be. I hope and pray everything will turn out ok.

Boliath said...

Wendy, I'm so sorry to read this, I've been wondering where you were...I'm not a pray-er but I'm sending every positive energy I have your way. I hope your blessing brought you some comfort and gives you and Sydney strength and courage to face the weeks ahead. Take care, Bo

Brian said...

May God Bless you and your baby.

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