Power

No line. I went at 9 while everyone was at work.

No gunfire. No 10 mile walk. I drove, even though it was just across the street. I was going to work after.

No ink on my finger. I was Id'd, even though I registered in person, had proof of that, and was Id'd at that time. Vince who registered after me, will not be Id'd.

No armed troops anywhere. Well the police department was across the parking lot, but they were off busting speeders, because that's all they do.

No fanfare. No bombs. No civil war.

I peacefully walked into an elementary school, and with my finger exercised power. Today I am as powerful as the President of the United States. Today I exercised the power that if enough people agree with me, we could overthrow our government bloodlessly, peacefully, and in an orderly fashion.

I voted. The president and I, and you if you go vote, each only count as one. Last time I voted, he and I cancelled out each other's votes as I'm sure he voted for himself, and I sure has hell voted for the other guy.

I walked in, showed my ID, took the card, inserted it into the machine, politely declined the offer to show me how to work the touch screen, and voted. I pushed the little x by the name of the people I feel will best represent me. While I refuse to use the strait party option, the smiley face of the Personal Choice party was QUITE intriguing.

I left several items blank. It was very sad to see how many county positions were running unopposed. All Republicans, no challengers. Not even a Personal Choice candidate to select. I toyed with writing myself in, but did not. I just could not vote for someone who already is a shue in. I voted against 2 judges retaining their seats, I've seen them in action and did not like what I saw. Other than the judges I did vote for, and the Utah Constitutional Amendment I voted for, I hold no illusions that the people I voted for will actually be elected. They are Democrats running in Davis County, Utah for crying out loud. Davis County has not elected a Democrat to ANYTHING for about 20 years.

Where does that leave people like me? Unrepresented, unheard, unimportant.

Today, I was important. I voted. Rather than being disillusioned and ignoring election day, because I know that the uselessness of my going and voting, I chose to make a stand. Even though no one I voted for will be elected, I put my finger on the screen and demanded to be counted.

I took Sydney with me. I talked to her about how important voting is. I want her to be a voter. It is important to me to raise a voter. She will go again with her daddy this evening. When Sydney is bigger, I will let her push the X on the screen, like my dad let me push the pen into the hole next to the name of Ronald Reagan, and George Bush. I will teach her about what I think is politically important, just as my father used that time in the canvas walls to tell me of the glories of the GOP and how Reagan will save America. My dad taught me about pushing the pen all the way in, and making sure no chads were left hanging. My dad taught me how important it is to vote from a young age, and I hope to follow his example and teach that to Sydney.

It was a bit odd using the computers. No clunk clunk of the pens pushing the chads off. No little booth with a flag as a door. No canvas walls to prevent the voter from distraction. My vote was private, it was a different experience than the last time I voted.

Have you voted? People have died for the right of American Citizens to vote. People in Iraq stood for hours to vote under the threat of violence. It is the least we can do to walk on over to the local elementary school and use our finger on the screen.

Today I excercised power. What a blessing that is.

Letter to Kerry

Faith wants to know what I think of John Kerry's comment:

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq."

Senator Kerry, I want my vote back. Not that I would vote for Bush, but I could vote for Nader again...

Say what you want about Bush. Say what you want about Rummy. Say what you want about the failed policies of this administration. My belief to you, Senator, please leave our troops out of this.

What a way to insult the 3,068 coalition soldiers who have died in Iraq since this began. Those numbers include 2,829 Americans, two Australians, 120 Britons, 13 Bulgarians, six Danes, two Dutch, two Estonians, one Fijian, one Hungarian, 32 Italians, one Kazakh, one Latvian, 17 Poles, two Romanians, five Salvadoran, three Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, two Thai and 18 Ukrainians in the war in Iraq as of November 3, 2006.

I am positive that there are a good many educated souls among that number. They did their homework. They studied hard. They joined the military for various reasons, and went and did their duty. They died honorably.

Frankly Mr. Kerry, I am asking for your resignation. You should no longer be a Senator of our great country. I would like for you to resign, and to renounce any military pension or honors you may have won in Vietnam. I use the term won not earned, because I do not believe you won your Purple Heart.

I don't think you were heckling the President. You know how to do that. I think you were trying to make a statement, that smart people don't end up in the military.

Yes, Mr. Kerry, Smart people do end up in the military. They choose to join. They serve with honor, do their duty, and protect our country so you can say dumb things like what you just said.

Resign. Put some real meaning behind your apology.

News Flash

Extra, Extra, Read all about it. Wendy had a baby.

So I know that is not news to anyone else. Seems to me that I forgot it.

Elections are coming up. I have always been very politically active. I am known to walk neighborhoods, pass out fliers, sit in booths, the whole thing.

I felt bad I had done nothing, so I went and volunteered to pass out fliers. Up until now, all the campaigns I have volunteered for have been very well organized, and fairly well funded. UMMM.... These guys are running as democrats in Davis County, so really no on both counts. They gave me some fliers, to pass out to registered democrats.

So, anyone else remember that the time changed last weekend and it is now dark at 5:30. Anyone else notice it got cold? Yeah, everyone else but me.

So tonight, Halloween no less, I bundle myself and Sydney up for some flier passing out. I drive to the area, to learn the addresses on my list are in no order. I don't have a map of the streets either. I try to find where to start, while dodging trick or treaters. It's now dark and cold. No street lights either. I find the first house, and figure I'll deliver to all the homes on that block.

I get Sydney out of the car seat, grab the fliers, and head out. I deliver to ONE house before I realize how ridiculous this is, and give up. I nearly dropped the fliers and tripped. I go back to the car, load Syd up again, and come home.

So I just ignored what is clear to everyone else. I had a baby and my life has changed for the better. I just have to wait a couple of years for flier passing out, or do this when her daddy is not beyond swamped with his ROTC disaster project, so he can either help or watch her.

I was pushing myself to do too much. I wish I could pass the fliers out, but with everything going on, I can't.

Sydney was very patient through all this. Wendy just needed to learn some things change, and that she does not have to do it all.

Thoughtful

One lady at church surprised me. She came up and said that she had just washed her hands, and could she please hold Sydney. I was so amazed that she would think to do that. Of course I let her hold Sydney. It was just so thoughtful after me wanting to start slapping hands of random people who were touching her. It was so thoughtful of her to realize that I'm likely pretty nervous having her around all those people, so to make me more comfortable and up her chances of holding Sydney, she took the step to wash her hands.

That was so kind of her.

Buckets, NIP. and church Oh My!

Reminding readers of my disclaimer... I'm about to get rather outspoken and narrow minded, and opinionated.

Vince and I went to church today. It was nice to get out and be around others. Some things bothered me which I can't really discuss there, but I will here.

What is with all the babies in Buckets? (aka Car Seats). I've got to admit, there are times in which the bucket is nice, like when running quick errands, or when two hands are a necessary. There are also times the bucket is a NEED, like when driving in the car. Then there are times that the bucket is one more thing to carry, like at church.

I'll admit, I've been very proactive at wearing Syd. I wear her in the chest pack at the grocery store, and am seriously considering purchasing a sling or Mei Tai carrier. MIL gave me a carrier that she used, and I wear Syd on my back in it when I make dinner. I carry her when I can, because I want that attachment and bonding with her. I want her close to me, or to some other live human being, not in a bucket. Syd HATES the bucket, and screams EVERY time I strap her in, why would I want to do that over and over. I'll just leave it in the car, thank you very much. I have a nice hand warmer to put in it to keep it warm in the winter. I cover the buckles with a blanket in the summer to keep them cool/

Seriously, I was the only mom with a baby who did not have the bucket. I saw 2 strollers. What is up with that? Both of the moms with the strollers have babies under one. Why do you need a stroller at CHURCH??? I've never even used my stroller. Not kidding. I'm sure at some point it will get use, but I've always worn her. It is easier and safer for me to have her close to me. I can't walk away and leave her if she is strapped to me. When we went to Peach Days, I wore her the whole time. One of the stroller moms was telling Vince he should have me bring the stroller..... I could not help roll my eyes. I just think that babies should be held, and church is a great place to do that. It is so nice to hold a sleeping baby, and someone is always wanting to hold a cute baby if you want a break as a mom.

There is another mom in the ward, a mom whom I visiting teach. Let me say, I don't agree with how she parents. She weaned at 6 weeks because she wanted him to sleep through the night. Her baby boy is about 3 months old. He sleeps all by himself in the living room because he was waking up their other son. When we left from visiting, she left him crying on the couch. When we drove away, she was outside with her husband and older child. I feel so bad for that baby inside crying. This mom barely ever hold her own baby at church, someone else is always holding him and feeding him formula.

It's just weird to me. I NIP (nurse in public) all the time. I NIP whenever Syd wants to eat. Frankly, I'd rather not miss what is going on. I've practiced and feel I'm rather modest when doing this. When I was changing Syd's diaper, another mom came into the mother's room to nurse. She turned her chair all the way around so she was facing the corner and then put a blanket on. Another mother left sacrament meeting, came back 20 minutes later, and I'm guessing she was nursing. I usually don't use a blanket when NIP, but during the hymn Syd was rather distracted, so I used a blanket folded up as a bit of a shield, as she kept popping on and off. I feel the blanket thrown over the shoulder screams "I'm Nursing" and implies there is something to hide.

Nursing is not something to hide. There is no shame with NIP. Nursing should be celebrated, promoted, championed. I'll NIP as my own little demonstration that nursing is best. I NIP because I need to feed my baby. I can NIP and eat a meal, grocery shop, attend church, watch a movie, etc. Basically NIP lets me have a life outside of the home.

My mom told me I could nurse in Relief Society, but not in Sacrament Meeting. When I went to church with her, Syd wanted to nurse during Sacrament. She told me to go to the mother's room. I did. In that church as in mine, it is an alcove off of the bathroom. YUCK. I nursed there while people toileted and flushed and vowed I would never do that again. I told her so as well. She talked about being discrete and thinking of others. I said I am discrete, and that the one I should think the most of is my baby. If others have a problem, they can leave or look away. I might step out into the hall if Syd is being distracted, but otherwise I'll nurse where ever I dang well choose. I nursed at the Jazz game last week, BTW. Utah law states....

76-10-1229.5. Breast Feeding is not Violation of this Part.A woman's breast feeding, including breast feeding in any location where the woman otherwise may rightfully be, does not under any circumstance constitute a violation of this part, irrespective of whether or not the breast is covered during or incidental to feeding.

Oh, and the lesson was on food storage.... no mention of extra supplies for a nursing mom, oh no, but talk on formula and water for that. GRRRRR

I just wish more people would hold their babies and not haul the buckets everywhere they go. It has been hard breaking Vince of this, because that is what everyone else does. I told him he can haul the bucket, I'll carry the baby.

History

You Passed 8th Grade US History

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade History?

Really not a big suprise....

How White and Nerdy Are You?

Career choice....

Your Career Personality: Detail-Oriented, Observant, and Hard-Working

Your Ideal Careers(I so did not rig this): Designer Family counselor Independent store owner Interior decorator Museum curator Nurse Preschool teachers Social worker Stay at home parentTeacher

The Quick and Dirty Career Test

Response from Weight Watchers

So they responded. Still now WOW evening meeting, but at least they read my letter and are thinking about it. From Faith's suggestion, any readers in the Utah or Idaho area who wants to have an evening WOW meeting, please let me know, and I'll send you their emails so you can write a letter too. She liked my letter!!!! See I can write a powerful letter.

Begin letter....

Hi Wendy! My name is Gina T. (snip) , the Executive Director of Weight Watchers of SLC, Inc. I have to say, I loved your e-mail. I don't often get many e-mails with so much time, effort, and research put into them. Thank you! All of your points are so very valid and definitely ones we keep in mind as we look at our demographics and geographical locations, and make decisions based on such.

Currently, our WOW meetings are still in their infancy stage. In fact, these came about due to the consistent feedback we received from stay at home moms. So, we're working on accomplishing our first goal of getting a WOW meeting into each market area. So far so good with the daytime WOW meetings, they really seem to be meeting the need. Granted, there will never be a perfect day and time for everyone and we knew that going into it. In fact, even if we venture into making a night meeting into a WOW, it would still be hit or miss based on members' work schedules and kids' activity schedules. We get so many different requests for times and days that it is hard to make it great for everyone. We take a big risk opening up new meetings, specifically population specific meetings. We've always run the business with the idea that we'd hate to give something only to have to take it away due to minimal success. However, this doesn't mean that we won't continue to monitor the need. Your feedback is most helpful and will be used in future discussions about just this subject.


The fact of the matter is Wendy, the requests for WOW meetings dropped substantially when we introduced the daytime WOW meetings, so we had some evidence that they were filling a need. Though, as you mentioned, not everybody's needs. I wish there was a way to take care of everybody's needs, but unfortunately, it just isn't possible, especially when the majority of our members have been so clear in communicating that they appreciate meetings without children so that focus can be on the members vs. the many distractions we find in the WOW meetings. I'm so sorry our lack of choices doesn't allow you to attend with your husband, especially because having a friend or family member really promotes increased success with the program. I hope that you will still consider attending separately in order to get the value of the meeting experience which you clearly understand is a large factor in overall weight loss success.

Would you please contact me personally if you would like to speak in greater length about our decision making process? I can be contacted at (removed) if desired.

Again, I thank you so much for time and energy into stating your desires and concerns. Truly, I appreciate you providing us with this information for use in future discussions about new meetings.

My best,

Gina T.

Sydney goes to the Jazz Game

Wendy meets Sydney

Here is the video of when I met Sydney. I'm basically high from all the drugs. I fibbed about how ready I was to get up out of bed, because I thought the nurse would just let me get right into the chair. Instead she made me walk across the large room to the bathroom, which was pointless because I had a cathedar in and Dr. Calm cleaned me out rather well.

Letter to Weight Watchers

So, since I'm never one to just take no for an answer, at least not the first time I'm told no... I wrote a letter to Weight Watchers. Here it is.

Please forgive the traditional "spin" on the letter. I could not figure out how to include co-habitating/ GLBT and all the other types of families out there into my letter. Also, from my experience with WW, they are a fairly conservitive bunch, and I was trying to plead my case to that audience.

Dear Weight Watchers:

I am writing to request that you consider having an evening or weekend “Wee Ones Welcome (WOW)” meeting at each of your locations, especially the Layton office.

Please allow me to provide you with some background information supporting my request:

According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm) the following information is current to the year 2005:
Working families:
Husband only working: 20.2%
Wife only working: 6.5%
Both Husband and Wife working: 51.3%

Working mothers (Percentages are out of all mothers):
Percent of mothers in the workforce: 70.5%
Married mothers in the workforce: 68.2%
Single mothers in the workforce: 76.1%
Mothers with children less than a year old in the workforce: 53.8%

Charts are available at the above link which provides greater detail to this information.

As you can see from the above referenced information, most mothers are in the workforce. Most mothers of children under one are in the workforce. Most families also have both parents working. More than 75% of single mothers work. However, your only meeting which allows parents to bring their children with them is during the day, at a time at which most people who work are at work. The current WOW meeting accommodates the minority of parents with children, while leaving the majority of parents without a time which is convenient to them. Most parents do not have the ability to leave work to attend a Weight Watchers meeting during the week, leaving them to attend a night or weekend meeting. This means that parents must chose between attending the meeting and spending time with their children. If they are to attend a meeting, they must arrange substitute care for their children. While this may work for married parents in which only one spouse is participating in Weight Watchers, this does not work for either married couples in which both spouses are over weight and wish to participate or single parents.

You may be asking why not have the parents attend different meetings, with the other at home with the baby? 1) This suggestion does not work for single parents. 2) From my past experience with Weight Watchers, the average meeting lasts approximately an hour and a half, from weigh in time to meeting completion, with travel time added to this. It then becomes very likely that a family could be apart for an additional 4 hours each week. If the parents want to attend together, they must arrange care, with the time and expense related to that, or using the good will of family and friends. There is also a large hassle factor in this, and it basically is much easier to stay home and not have to deal with finding child care, coordinating who will attend and who will be home with the child, etc.

As you already know, people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose more weight than people who attempt to lose weight on their own. It would make sense that in a family where a weight loss plan is under way, that a couple would do better if they could attend the sessions together, so they can discuss what they learned as a family.

I can completely understand why most of your meetings are adults only. As I see it, adding an evening or weekend WOW class would add to the market base which Weight Watchers has. This would allow more single and two parent families to participate in your program. This would benefit the participants as they would have the support and guidance from your company, and would benefit your company, as a new member base which is currently underutilized would be available.

In our situation, I was a member over a year ago. I lost 30 pounds, then stopped attending, mostly because the family members I had been attending with stopped going. I then got pregnant, had a baby, and now need to lose baby weight. When I was an active participant in the program, my husband also lost weight, but frankly, I lost more than he did, and was more committed, likely because I had the support of the weekly meetings. We now both want to attend Weight Watchers, and lose the weight we have gained. With our young daughter, unless there is an evening or weekend WOW, we will not be able to attend, and will be forced to decide which one of us can attend when, rather than being able to make this a joint experience.

Earlier this week, I called your 1-800 number asking why there was not a WOW meeting in the evening. The woman stated that usually the baby stays home with the husband. That statement assumes several things, including that there is a husband, and that the husband does not want to participate lose weight. Thank you for considering my request. I would appreciate hearing from you at your earliest convenience. I would appreciate it if my letter is forwarded to the franchise owner. Please feel free to contact me via phone, email, or mail.

Sincerely,
Wendy J. LastName

My attempt to up my placement on google for this post: Weight Watchers, Salt Lake City, Utah, UT, mother, weight loss, Weight Watcher international.

Birthday Pondering

Today I am 29.

What a year 28 was.

One year ago today, I had a very strong suspicion I was pregnant. I was quite in denial about it, as I had so dearly wanted to be pregnant. My breasts were very sore and tender, and I just had this feeling.

One year ago today, I had no idea what this year would bring. I did not know I was going to have a wonderful daughter. I did not know that such joy and such pain could be combined into the same thing. I had no idea the strength I would need, nor the strength I would find. I had no idea I would have a high risk pregnancy, bed rest, c/s, NICU stay. Seriously, I had always imagined that my first daughter would be named Kathryn. I just love that name. And I have a baby girl named Sydney, whom I love. Sydney fits her so much better than Kathryn does. (Maybe my next daughter, if I do decided to wade into the pregnancy pool, will be Kathryn.) I had not imagined I would not have a natural birth, and have the baby placed directly on my belly. Instead, I had a scheduled c/s, with her immediately gone. I saw her hours later. I then went 3 days of torture without her. This gave me a small perspective on how hard it is for Vince to leave us to go to military. It was never that hard for him to go before, he would miss me, but he knew I was going to rent movies I want to see, go out with friends, craft, go shopping, basically take proper care of my self. Now when he leaves, he leaves behind someone who changes. The biggest change I ever made while he was gone was I lost 8 pounds. Sydney spent half her life while he was gone. She rolled over for the first time. Milestones happen when he is gone now. She will grow and change while he is gone.

One year ago, I had no plans to leave DCFS; and here I sit at DSPD. This has been a huge change for me, and a very positive one. I'm still in shock that something which has been such a defining factor of my life is gone now.

One year ago, I was a different person. I sit here a year old, and more than a year wiser. I matured more than one year in the past year, I feel like I have aged 7 years in the last year.

One year ago, I felt ignored by the Lord. Now I again know, what I really have always known, that He hears me and answers my prayers. I thought I had learned to accept His plan through the infertility trials. I've learned that it is another level of accepting His plan completely when it comes to your children. I still wonder and am troubled by what Sydney had to learn by her rough entry into this world. I also wonder what Vince and I had to learn from her tough start.

Some of you have been reading my blog for this entire time. Some of you are newer. Some of you I've never met, some are old friends. I want to thank you all for reading my posts. You are privy to some of the most intimate details of my life, for here I post what I feel I cannot say in real life. I process what is going on with me here. Here I share my thought, fears, and dreams. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Weight Watchers – not family friendly

So Vince and I are overweight. Dr. Calm mentioned that I should consider losing more weight before I TTC again…. Dr. Big Shot wanted my weight around 150, I am not there. I am 30 pounds lighter than my heaviest, but from the weight today, I actually have gained 2 pounds since I HAD the baby. I still have a net loss from the pregnancy, but to have gained weight after the baby…. Vince also says his jeans are tight, and needs to lose some weight for military purposes. I’m emotionally ready to lose more weight, and I do need the support and monitoring of a formal program.

Well, we want to go to the same Weight Watchers meeting. Here they have one “Wee Ones Welcome(WOW)” meeting a week, Monday morning. Nothing the rest of the week. I called the 1-800 number and asked about having a “WOW” meeting in the evening. I explained that DH and I want to attend together, and don’t really want She said they really only have the one meeting, for mom’s who don’t work.

GRRR…. Tangent here: WHY does everything here revolve around people who don’t work? This exists in so much craft classes, reading groups at church, so many things I want to do, but can’t because they are forgetting that most women go to work.

I asked her why no evening “WOW” meeting. She said that usually the baby stays home with the husband. I said that we both work during the day, and we do our best to be together in the evenings and weekends. I’m not happy that I have to either: flex my schedule to go to a daytime meeting, or swap the baby with Vince, or arrange day care. Either way, unless Sydney is with someone else, no Weight Watcher meetings together for us.

My brother has gotten VERY sensitive about us asking them to watch Sydney for a shot time. He went off on the IM to me. What would have worked is to drop her off for an hour and a half, go to the meeting, but there is no way I’m asking him. His wife would help, but I’m not dealing with my brother at all about this. He was really nasty and vindictive on the IM, and I’m not giving him any ammunition. I’ll just steer clear.

So, I’ll figure something out, but it won’t be what I want.

TMI, deep thought, an update, and some ranting all in one post!!

So, here I am. I have several random thoughts to post, so I'll order them. Felt the need to play with color....

1. New Job Love it!!! The new job is very laid back. I have to be a go-getter to get any training attention. The laid back style is a refreshing and relaxing change. Problem is, I am lonely. People here are pretty solitary, meaning, I'm the only one with my door open any time. I also feel like the feeling your car makes when you mean to put the manual transmission into 5th gear, but accidentally go into 3rd or even 1st. You know, that jearking lurching, throw you against the stearing wheel feeling? Things are so much slower and low pressure here, it is odd after 4 years of constant pressure.
2. Had my annual OB exam today. VERY weird being there for an exam, not pregnant. Took the baby with me. She decided to scream just before Dr. Calm came in to do a pelvic, so I nursed during the pelvic. She and I talked birth control types. I'm on a progesterone only pill. I spot a lot and hate it. Thing is, the RE I saw in SLC told me that if I was not TTC, I need to be on a hormonal BC method. I'm thinking about getting Mirena inserted. She did say that I could go back to my regular pill in a couple of months. Thing is, simply put, and I told her this, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. She said her advice is to have a least 2 years between pregnancies, based on how hard the last one was. I need the time to mentally and physically heal. I need to not have to manage this every day. It is odd for me who has been though infertility to be saying this, but I do not want to get pregnant right now. I want to enjoy Sydney and Vince. I want to emotionally process what I have been through and deal with the emotions I have not dealt with. I want to "be" ready, not just accidentally get pregnant. Since I lost the weight and had surgery, my body has shown itself to be very fertile, by getting pregnant the first cycle off the pill. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think I'm making a big deal, but then I realize this is a big deal for me. She gave me some literature, and I'll think it over. One of my complaints about the pill I'm on right now is the nearly constant spotting, which she said is pretty standard with Mirena for 6 months.
3. OUT with the VBAC patrol. So yesterday, a couple of ladies from chuch came over. One, once she learned I had a c/s wanted to know if the doctor had "meshed" (whatever that means) or double sewed my uterine incision. Well, I partly played dumb. I've read my surgical report, it does not mention a second row of sutures, so I'm betting money I did not have them. Then she wants to know what type of uterine incision I had, and I know exactly where this is going... Yes I had a horizontal incision, and no, I don't want to VBAC. I did not want to discuss the deep emotional and physical reason's I don't want to labor, but too posh to push is not that reason. She kind of implied that was me, when I pointed out that Sydney's birth was c/s to take the risk off of her and onto me, and that I was fine with my c/s. I did not want to point out how terrifying my last pregnancy was, and how reassuring being in competant medical hands was. I also did not want to go in depth into my gynelogical history, that I've already had two uterine incisions, a deformed uterus, which was blessed to carry life, and that I am simply to scared to VBAC. I feel the risk to too great, so I have already discussed this with Dr. Calm, and she said she would prefer a c/s but would support a VBAC attempt as long as her insurance allows it. Simply put, any future children will be born by c/s and I am fine with this. Everyone can make their own choices, and this is mine. So I want the VBAC police to keep their judgements off my body. They don't have to deal with the emotional and physical consequences, I do. I know that a failed VBAC would crush me, and I would rather avoid that all together. Bascially, I'll have a nice scheduled C/S, thank you very much. Oh, she wants me to use some "slippery oak" for Sydney's nose cold, and mix it with formula. I pointed out that Sydney is breast fed. Thanks, but I'll skip the weird stuff right now.
4. Life is not meant to be happy and easy. It is a challenge and a grind. We are here to be tested. We are having a hard time at our home right now. Vince's car is broken, needs major brake work done, money is tight. We are on the one car fleet again, and it is so hard to get worked out. He is really struggling with school and ROTC. I got off the pressure wheel, and he got on. He is having a really hard time getting things done. I'm not helping to lessen the pressure, because I want him to get some sleep and spend some time with us. He is having a hard time with his classes. I wish I could just do the work for him, but that would not help him.
5. Krista is one of those people on the internet who you never meet, but changes your life for good. Krista has brain cancer, and had been re-occurance free for 10 months. She has beaten the odds by where she is today. At her last MRI, there was increased growth, and she has to change drugs and hope the new, nastier ones work. I read this today, and it made me so sad. Krista has done made so many positive improvements in so many lives, mine included. I had so prayed that the cancer would disappear, that this trial would be done for her. It just made me sad to read this news. HUGS Krista.

Flood o' Fun

1) Yesterday, my kitchen flooded because of a malfunction in the water heater. Landlord unreachable problem not solved. Problem still exists.

Forgiveness

for‧give‧ness  /fərˈgɪvnɪs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fer-giv-nis] –noun

1.	act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.

2.	disposition or willingness to forgive.

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[Origin: bef. 900; ME forgifenesse, OE forgifennys. See forgive, -ness]

forgiveness

n 1: compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive 2: the act of excusing a mistake or offense [syn: pardon]

See Also:

Rambling C/S post

I posted this on mothering.com, a bb I frequently hang out at.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peppermint
I have a couple of questions that are c-section related.I wish I could ask all of these questions on the regular forums, but I can't spend a ton of time defending my c-sections, BTDT here quite a few times.I feel like because I am *choosing* a repeat c-section, I don't get to make choices for the baby that are "natural". I just want what is best for the little Bean....

I just made the mistake of wandering into birth and beyond and into home birthing. It was this thread which prompted these emotions. I wanna go into labor. I wanna push. I don't want to be judged because my baby was born through my abdomen, not my vagina. I had a medically necessary c/s and I still feel that I am, at least emotionally, defending this. I know that had I not had a c/s DD would not have been alive. Had I done UP (no prenatal care), there is no chance in hell DD would be alive. I would never do UP, and would likely never do a home birth, but those choices are gone from me forever. There is no way I could in good concience have a "low tech" pregnancy. I will likely be high risk as the growth problems can happen at any time in the pregnancy. I would be terrified that without regular u/s we would miss IUGR in my next pregnancy.

I guess I'm sad for what will not be. Hopefully, my next pregnancy will be easy, followed by a ERCS (elective repeat c-section) - at least on paper. I know that due to uterine malformations, two uterine surgeries, etc, I am at a high risk for rupture, and do not feel the need to "prove" anything, not when I knowingly risk my daughter being without a mother. My next c/s will and won't be elective, due to the risks, but I feel I will have to defend this even more, than I feel I need to defend my first c/s.

Another poster on another board said that having a c/s you miss the best part of having a baby - the having of the baby. Am I less of a momma because I never felt a contraction? Or does the 2 months spent on bed rest compensate for that? How about the 48 days in the NICU, being told when and how I can hold DD, how I can mother her? Am I less of a momma because I won't push out baby number 2? If I have a baby number 2? I DESPARATELY want another baby, but am terrified of going through this again.

And what IF I chose a primary c/s? Does that make me a bad person?, a bad mommy? I would say no, it does not. I don't think I am less a mommy because I did not labor. I feel I am her mommy. I was her mommy since before she was concieved, and by my religious beliefs, I will be her mommy for eternity. By the same token, my Bro and SIL are hoping to adopt, and I firmly believe that she will be a mommy just the same as I, even though she did not get pregnant at all.

Honestly, I don't have c/s issues like so many others do. My c/s was not forced on me, it was an educated decision made with the guidance of a OB whom I trust. I trusted her with mine and DD's lives, and she cared for us and helped me bring my baby to life in the only way possible, by c/s. I do not feel I was birth abused, frankly the abuse occured in the NICU, mostly by a fellow social worker. I feel how I was treated by her is part of why I am getting out of child welfare. (The fact I hate my supervisor helps that one too.) I will miss child welfare. I will miss the children. I just don't want to be as involved a social worker as before, as I'm terrified that I'll repeat what the bitchy social worker did to me.

I too want what is best for my next bean, and I did what was best for this bean, the bean currently currled up on my bed. Maybe this is my white flag in the mommy wars. Maybe I'm asserting that my birth is just as valid as anyone elses. Life came from my womb, a life for which we were terrified would never come because of infertility. You can be a mommy without giving birth, as through adoption. So am I, other women who did not birth vaginally, and mommy's by adoption lesser mommies? No. I'm not attacking any one else's position I'm just stating mine. I wanted to vaginally birth. My body was not made to do that. My uterus is deformed, and I am blessed it was able to contain my baby long enough to give life.

That's all I have to say now. Thanks for reading.

Commitment

So I have some big posts brewing, but right now I need to make some public commitments to myself. See I have senioritis something fierce at my old job, and have so much to do, because I've procrastinated like usual.

So here are my commitments for tomorrow, Tuesday:

1. I will not visit any of the following URLs at work: Blogger.com, Mothering.com, Hotmail.com, Ebay.com, SLtrib.com, Desnews.com, ksl.com, kutv.com, livejournal.com, youtube.com, msn.com, msnbc.com (I am confessing my dorking around web sites.)
2. I will arrive at work by 8:00, meaning I drop Sydney off at 7:45, meaning I get up at 6:30.
3. I will eat breakfast.
4. I will complete all three court reports by 9:30.
5. I will dictate logs for 15 minutes each hour.
6. I will complete all over due service plans.
7. I will complete 4 assessments.
8. I will take a 45 minute lunch.
9. I will work until 5:20
10. I will organize 50% of my desk.
11. I will not look for people on the IM to goof off with, and will not roam the halls to do the same.

Punishment: If I do not do this, I will not be able to watch dancing with the stars Tuesday night. This is a harsh punishment for me.

Reward: If I have completed the court reports by 9:30, I will allow myself to go vote on the wedding on the today show. I will go directly to the wedding page, will not pass go, will not collect $200.

If I have been productive till noon, I can have a nice lunch. Otherwise, I will eat the TV dinner in the freezer at my desk.

If I have been productive all day, I will order out. Otherwise I have to cook something.

There is my plan, please nag me tomorrow and see if I followed it.

Disclaimer

I am very proud of my ability and desire to breast feed. I mean no offense to anyone who cannot or choses to not breast feed. Your choices and experiences are as valid as mine, and I mean no disrespect. I know there are situations where breast feeding is intensly desired and not possible, and want to state that any future possible posts re: breast feeding and formula are not directed toward any person.

Just wanted to post that in response to some (a lot) of my blinkies and my new ticker, as well as planned future blog enteries.

Updating

YES!!!!!!!

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPEE!!!!!!!!!!

I will be a caseworker with the Division of Services to People with Disabilities. I am beyond excited. I nearly screamed when they offered me the job. I am beyond happy. Notice my new ticker. Same pay, benefits, etc. I even just work next door, so no commute change.

Basically between the pressures of child welfare administration and the drama and pain of my caseload, I'm done. I will miss working with the teens, but I just need a change. I don't want to get fired, and fear I will because I cannot meet the stupidly impossible standards they have set. My supervisor does NOTHING but say yes master to administration. She does nothing to protect or advocate for workers.

Example: Last Friday, I called her, facing a possible removal of 4 children at about 4:30pm. By that point, I had mearly 30 minutes left in my 40 hours. She grudgingly approved Overtime. The removal was avoided. I told her then that it was likely that I would need overtime the next Friday, as the removal was basically postponed a week. I explained to her that I do not wish to end up working unti 9 on Friday if I don't have to, so may need overtime again. She declined to approve OT, said to have oncall do this. Which is fine, but the paperwork which goes along with a removal would have been my responsibility. Want to know why we lie and put down 40? DCFS is being sued for violating OT policy, but then refuses to authorize it. What would the harm be in authorizing up to 5, which is fully within her discretion?

Why would I expect more from her? I don't know why. This is the woman who asked me if my pregnancy was planned and what my plans were for it when I told her I was pregnant. This is the woman who made comments about my "vacation" referring to my bedrest. She wanted to know if I really had to take the time off. This is the woman who called me the day after I came home from the hospital wanting to know when I was coming back. Ummm lets see, just off narcs, really sore incision, really sick baby in NICU, how about tomorrow. That phone call was the ONLY reason I was back at work 2 weeks after a c-section. I was worried I would lose my job. I knew I wanted to have some time left for when Syd came home to mommy her, and knew if I did not go back, I would have no time. As it was, I had one week home with her. When we were reviewing my cases, which the covering worker did NOTHING on while I was off, asked "what have you (meaning me) learned from this?" I made some smart answers, and she replied "don't get pregnant." I could go on about the other insensitive pregnancy comments, but will refrain. I will add that another co-worker has experienced similar problems.

Basically, her attitude has been harder and harder to deal with. I can't stand working for her. A new supervisor and building manager both are very promising, and I am sad to leave the possibilities they may be bringing. I don't want to work with my supervisor anymore.

I don't want to work with my clients anymore. I have the reputation of being able to handle the hard clients. I have worked hard to earn this reputation. Problem with this is that my caseload has become the dumping ground for the hard cases. In the last year, I have had some very hard demanding cases. Bad abuse, domestic violence, manipulation. The parents are so hard to work with. I went a year with no formal complaints, I've had 6 since March. I have not changed how I work, my clients have been the hardest to work with. If I stand up to them, they complain. I cave, the children are at risk.

Friday was the last time, I hope, that I witness a removal in court. I hope it is the last time I advocate for a removal. The mom is one of the worst cases of emotional maltreatment I have ever seen. She was ordered to behave, then abused them in the office lobby. The children went with their father. Even thought I fully support the removal, I still hated seeing mom cry in court. She has another one on the way, same OB as me.

The emotional baggage I carry from this job will be with me forever. I want to escape to a happy place where children are loved and nurtured, like my baby is. I want to forget about incest, child porn, abuse, and threats. I want to retreat into my happy marraige, instead of witnessing the destruction of relationships which never should have been. I am tired of fearing for my safety. I am tired of worrying if a client will follow me home and harm me. I had a nightmare about a client coming to the hospital and harassing me there, and no one would come and help. I am tired of this. It hurts. I want to go to work and leave it there, and not have it come into my home, my bed, my dreams.

Maybe I can go off the happy pills with my new job. I've been on them for over 2 years now. Who knows.

I am so happy. I so needed a new job.

And the quiz is right

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often. In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

Even tough I got in the baby way...

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Money

Your Life Is Worth...

$544,000 and What does cold sores have to do with my life value???????

How Much Is Your Life Worth?

I'm Charlotte

You Are Most Like Charlotte!

You are the ultimate romantic idealist You've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love. If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever. And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you. Romantic prediction: That guy you are Married to? Could be very forever, and damn well better be since you just had a baby with him.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

ChChChChanging

You've Changed 64% in 10 Years

Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal. In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

I'm 27, Guess I'm experienced

You've Experienced 72% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Video

I will stop being a slacker. In the mean time quick update.

Faith wanted to know how I handle my job....by searching for a new one. I have a second interview today wish me luck....

And for all those who keep checking, I have discovered YouTube. Video here. I'm getting more things uploaded and will restart posting very soon.

Blinkies

So I'm taking a break from the birth story, need an emotional pause.

Instead I wasted an evening discovering blinkies and cut and pasting them.... See below. I'm still looking for some about my favorite "George".

Also, if any of you know how to make blinkies, can you tell me how? So far, I "borrowed" all these from photobucket.

Birth Story, Part one

I have decided to re-write and post Sydney's birth story. It will be in chapters, as I feel I'm writing a huge book. Here is part one. It mostly rehashes my obstetric history.

To understand Sydney’s birth story, I have to give you some history.

On our second anniversary, Vince and I decided to try to conceive. We thought we’d just go have fun in bed, and a baby would come. Not so. After about a year of nothing, we started seeing doctors. We had several embarrassing and painful tests. It was so hard to do this. It turned out that I had a very large septum in my uterus, kind of like what is in your nose. It was very large, and needed to be taken care of. After the surgery to resect this, I figured out that the septum was so large it was stretching my uterus and causing pain. It curled around and blocked my cervix so no sperm could get near an egg, if an egg was there. During this time, we were not on any birth control for about 3 years.

Another problem is that I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. I basically did not ovulate and my hormones were bonkers. It was suggested that I lose some weight, as I was very overweight. In 2005, my mom and sister and I went to Weight Watchers, and I managed to lose 30 pounds.

During this time, I was taking Yasmin. The PCOS can cause scaring on the ovaries, and preventing any ovulation helps prevent this. One day, I realized that I had forgotten to get my prescription refilled. I called my doctor, and was told I needed to use an alternative form of contraception, and restart once my period resumes….

Vince and I talked about this. As we had 3 years with no birth control, we figured no problem. We also felt that IF we did get pregnant, well no problem either. We had been told that we would likely need serious medicine up to IVF to get pregnant. However, our reproductive endocrinologist told us after EVERY visit to no use infertility as birth control. I also know that “NO ONE” gets pregnant the first cycle off the pill. When I was not on birth control, my cycles were all over the place, so I figured, no problem.

Fast forward to October 19, 2006. I remember the date because it is my birthday. As I was going to be, a show on PBS was discussing early pregnancy and the effects on the mother. Number one sign: sore breasts. My breasts had been VERY sore for a couple of days at that point, and I was so tired. I had suspicions that I was pregnant at that point, after watching the documentary. I kept this to myself, because I did not want to get Vince excited for nothing. A co-worker who fancies herself a psychic told me I was pregnant. (Maybe she is, but she also said I was having a boy.) I told her not to my knowledge. I had mentioned this to no one at work. There was a rumor about someone we work with being pregnant, and as I was one of few in the childbearing window who was not pregnant, several people came and wanted to know if I was the pregnant one. (It actually turned out to be someone else.)

The next day, while at the pharmacy getting a refill (on the Yasmin of all things) I purchased a home pregnancy test. I waited until I got home, and peed on the stick. Both lines turned pink almost instantly. I can’t tell you how many of those sticks I have peed on just praying it would change colors. It never had before. I could not believe it. Vince had late classes that night. I was dying to tell him. He called and said his class was home early, and was thinking of stopping at the store. I told him to come right home. He came home, and I met him at the door (not my usual thing to do.) He later told me he turned around and looked at my car, sure I had hit something with it. I took him inside and showed him the stick. He asked me what that was, and I told him that he was going to be a daddy. We were so excited and in love.

We went to Yellowstone that weekend with my family. We kept the pregnancy a wonderful little secret between the two of us. I remember my mom saying that next year we can all ride up together in her van. I whispered to Vince that we won’t all fit next year.

After we got home, I went and saw my general pratcioner, who ran a pregnancy test. I told her I was pregnant or dying of cancer, because morning sickness (all day sickness) had arrived. She confirmed that I was pregnant, and referred me to her OB, a woman who I have blognamed Dr. Calm. Dr. Calm delivered my Gp’s children, so I felt that was a pretty good recommendation. I called her office and got an appointment for a couple of weeks out.

The next day, I told my mom, via email. (I thought it was cute to email her the picture of the pregnancy test, but she hated it. Oh Well.) I told people at work. I put the picture up on my blog. At about 3pm, I spotted. I googled this for about 20 minutes, called the GP. Her nurse said this was not likely something to really worry about, but if it got worse, I should go to the ER. I was so worried, that when my friend came into my office, I started crying all over her. She reminded me that we have good health insurance, and I should go to the ER.

Vince works his late job on Wednesday. I called the police department he was working for, as his phone was off because he was in court. I am sure that my voice told how upset I was, as the dispatcher would not let me just pass on the please call me message, rather, she went and got him. I sobbed to him that I was spotting and wanted to go to the ER. He was coming right home.

I cannot tell you how in despair I was. I was so very sad. I called my brother who lives about a mile away. In the LDS religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, and I wanted a blessing. I sobbed to him that I was pregnant and spotting and I wanted a blessing. I had not told him I was pregnant, as he and his wife also struggled with infertility and are waiting to adopt. I was unsure about how to tell them I was pregnant, as I know how hard it has been for me to hear that others close to me are pregnant. It turns out, this was the best way to tell them.

Vince beat them home. When he came in, I just sobbed on him. I felt so guilty, as such a failure. I felt that I was rejecting our little miracle. I just kept sobbing. My brother and his wife came over. He and Vince anointed me with oil consecrated for the healing of the sick. We believe blessings are very sacred, so I will not go into detail. However, the blessing was one of needing strength, challenges to come, and a promise for the best medical care. Sometimes blessings carry promises of miracles and that your worry is not necessary. This was not one of those blessings. The blessing talked about needing the strength of the Lord, and trusting in him. I was so sure that the blessing meant our baby was passing, as did Vince, my brother and his wife. She held me and sobbed, afraid of what would happen at the hospital. She had had similar blessings during her miscarriages. It seemed so cruel, to get pregnant in such a normal way, to lose the baby so soon. It turns out this was a horrible night for them. After they left our home, they went to their adoption class, which was on birth parent’s experiences. They listened to birth parents tell the pain of making placement. My mom was also there, as was her parents. My mom was there supporting Ron, worrying about me in the ER.

Vince drove like a maniac to the hospital. When we got there, as I was not bleeding “too much” we had to wait. We waited an hour, me crying the whole time. Vince cried too. It also seemed to be weirdo night at the ER. There was an old lady screaming about not being able to poop, a couple of drunk people who broke their buddy’s foot among others. NICE.

We finally get taken into the ER. They put me in the GYN room, which scared me, but also was nice as it had walls and a door, the privacy was nice. I kept telling Vince I was so sorry, and he kept telling me this was not my fault. We get forgotten for a while, then in comes the vampire to draw blood. She misses, and is now lining up for poke number two, when the ER doc comes in. ER doc has vampire unhook all her gear, and leave. I was relieved to see her. She is well respected, and has provided excellent care to members of my family, as well as myself in the past. She seemed a bit brisk, but professional. She did a pelvic, which was a blast with no stirrups. She said the cervix was closed, no tissue. She said I needed an ultrasound.

A new CNA comes into the room. She needs to put a catheter in to fill my bladder to help with the ultrasound. If anyone has ever had a catheter placed into a full bladder, well, that’s a new type of torture. Anyway, she missed, and placed the catheter into my vagina. When I told her it was in the wrong place, she denied that it was in the wrong place, so I reached down and pulled it out. She then went and got an RN who got the catheter in. I had to put my legs into a “froggy” position, which was fun. The nurse made it harder for herself by needing to keep me covered while doing this. I told her I was Ok with Vince seeing anything she needed to do, but she kept doing this under cover.

The vampire comes in and finally gets her blood draw. We wait forever, then are wheeled to the ultrasound. I was terrified on way there. I knew that when we got the ultrasound going, we would know very quickly. The tech tried to find the pregnancy via the abdomen. No luck. She then added more fluid to my bladder. Wow, the pain. Again no luck on finding the pregnancy. I’m having a very hard time holding onto my composure at this point. She then, thankfully, drains my bladder. She asks if she can use a vaginal probe. Well, I’ve had those several times before and really have no problems with having them. She gets the probe ready and then we get going.

Then the miracle. There is a heart beat, a nice strong heartbeat. It was magical to hear. Vince and I cried with relief. The little bean was jumping all over the screen. It was a wonderful to see our little one. We were so very worried up to that point. The tech took measurements of our little baby. Based on my last menstrual period the baby was measuring two weeks small. However based on my being irregular, as well as the fact that this was the first cycle off the pill, they are not concerned. I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days. The tech told us that the day before, or two days ago, they would not have been able to see the embryo. Vince and I named the baby “Bean”. Based on my googling earlier on, I knew that the chance of miscarriage was very low at this point. From what I read, once a heart beat is detected, the risk of miscarriage drops significantly. I told this to Vince. We relaxed and were happy. We go back to the ER, and wait, and wait, and wait. We read a lousy sports magazine. We are forgotten. I’m hungry. We are tired. We are bored. We have had the release, and are ready to go home. I’m still catheterized. I’m uncomfortable. Finally, the doctor comes in, and tells us this was a “threatened miscarriage” with a 50/50 chance of still miscarrying. We get forgotten again. Our cell phones start ringing, with family members being concerned. We tell them we are still pregnant. The CNA pops her head in and tells me to get dressed. I remind her I still have a catheter in. She goes “really”, and disappears. It was weird how after we knew we were still pregnant, we just wanted to leave, and were getting impatient. Finally the nurse comes in, removes my catheter, gives me some baby wipes, and leaves. I get dressed. We leave. When we get to the parking lot, my mom was there. My mom figured that since we were still there, we had a miscarriage. We showed her the ultrasound picture of our baby. She says some things, like it only gets harder. I hug her and we all go home, very late. Vince calls his mom and tells her. She says she is very happy for all of us.

The next morning, well, I call in sick. I had told my supervisor already. She seemed less than thrilled. I have a co-worker cover some home visits I had scheduled that day, and neglect to tell him to not mention the pregnancy. Hence, 2 foster parents I work with find out I’m pregnant and almost miscarried way sooner than I am ready for this to occur.

Stay tuned for part 2.

Pictures

New Pictures of Sydney can be found in the Here she is post....

Tagging myself

So Trista tagged 5 unnamed people to do the Cd challenge. Since I totally bagged on her the last time she tagged me, here goes.....

What songs would you have on your personal "meaningful mix" CD? Here are the questions (along with my answers).

1) A favorite political track.
a) Serious: Blowing in the Wind by Bob Dylan
b) Serious part 2: American Idiot by Green Day
b) Funny: Send George Bush a Pretzel by Darryl Cherney and the Chernobles

2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
SO embarassing ... The Macarena by Los Lobes Hey Macarena

3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.
When you say nothing at all - Allison Krauss

4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze its lyrics.
The Gamber by Kenny Rogers

5) A song that you like, that a two year old would like as well.
Feed the Birds - Julie Andrews from Mary Poppins

6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
Popular from Wicked sung by Kristin Chenoweth

7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
Anything by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass. My grandpa would play this for me on his record player, then his 8 track, then his tape deck, and finally his Cd player. He was an early adaptor, and usually was one of the first to get the newest way to play his music. If he was alive, I bet I would have been asked to load up an Ipod for him. Yes he bought the same albums over and over.

8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
Diamonds and Pearls by Prince

9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
Sterotypical but Everybody Hurts by REM In my depression times, I can play this over and over.

10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life.
I will by the Beatles, Followed by Imagine by John Lennon

11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
Forever and Ever, Amen by Randy Travis, Also Here you come again by Dolly Parton

12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
Corney but... Isn't she lovely by Stevie Wonder

13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
Simple Gifts by Alison Kraus and YoYo Ma

14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsenically,
religiously etc.)
All I want to do is make love to you by Heart (I'm not a cheating one night stand with strangers you pick up in the rain kind of gal.) I remember hearing this song with an older friend (she had a car) while in a traffic jam in LA (Cig alert) where we could see the Hollywood sign from the freeway. The song came on and we sang the refrain at the top of our lungs with the top of her convertible down. It was night and the weather was perfect. A wonderful friend and memory. She used to be my babysitter, and stayed my friend and would rescue me from my mom. I was about 12, and we had been to Pasadena for some reason.

15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate

16) Your smooth song, for relaxing.
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
See 1a.... Insensitive by Jann Arden. I actually sent this on a tape to my first love who broke my heart. Annonmsly of course, with the tape labled, this song was written about you. Also Every thing about you by Ugly Kid Joe

18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”
Dancing Queen - Abba

19) A song that makes you reminsce about good times with a family member.
Beauty and the Beast by Angela Lansbury. My sister and I used to watch this over and over. When Angela Lansbury was here, she sang this song. I called my sister on the cell and let her listen to it.

20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
Even Superman by Ryan Shuppe and the Rubber Band

Here she is....

So we went to Kiddie Kandids Monday....

Here are the oh so cute results...

I just love her to pieces.... It has been wonderful having Vince home.

Prayers requested

Here in Utah, they are going to separate a pair of conjoined twins on Monday. Their names are Kendra and Maliyah Herrin. Please pray, light candles, send positive thougths their way, and for their family as well. I cannot imagine what their parents must be going through this weekend.

Their mom's website is http://www.herrintwins.com . A news story about them is located here.

They are some very cute little girls. I hope that all goes well for them and their family.

Sitemeter.com

Anyone know what happened to Sitemeter.com? I can't log in and I know my Id's are correct. When I re-did this blog, I lost my little counter. Anyone know of an alternative to sitemeter?

Birth issues - Long

This is a disjointed post. While writing it, my emotions changed, and the tone of the post changes. I’ll point out where this hit. I left the first part intact, as it was when I read that birth story, unorganized and unproofread.

So, on several of the blogs I’ve been reading or clicked on a link about there has been a fair amount of discussion about home births/natural childbirth. I thought I would throw my hat into this ring.

Before I got pregnant, I was all FOR natural childbirth. I wanted no epidural, no meds, nothing. I was even considering having a home birth. My husband and mother quickly vetoed that idea. My mom had all 5 of us with no pain relief, so I should want that as well. I wanted to do Bradley, and was already mentally deciding if my husband could be my coach, because I questioned his commitment to a “natural” childbirth versus his tolerance for seeing me in pain, which is very low. I also did not want to know the gender of the baby. That flew out the window after the second level II ultrasound, when I decided I really wanted to know.

Then we struggled to get pregnant. I was still gung ho on the “natural” childbirth. Then I got pregnant.

After I got pregnant, I found my desire for a drug free birth slipping. Because I know that this is an area where mind can rule the body, I decided to accept that I was afraid of the pain, and decided that if I wanted an epidural, I would have an epidural. I let go of the guilt I felt over deciding that I may want pain relief in labor, and I was OK with that.

As you may know, I had a high-risk pregnancy, followed by a planned Cesarean section at 34 weeks. It was a c-section or risk losing one or both of us. My OB said she could put me into labor, but my cervix was high and tight, showing no signs of relaxing. I’d be miserable for about 6 hours, then have an emergency c-section, or I could have a scheduled c-section. Since there were strong placental concerns, validated after the birth, there was concern over how much stress the placenta and Sydney could take. We opted for the c-section.

At my 6 week checkup, my OB said that I was a prime candidate for a VBAC, that she supports this, and that the option is mine. So I have a doctor supportive of VBAC, I should be over the moon right?

I came across this post of a home birth after a cesarean section. Frankly it scares me. Whether it is the grittiness, the clitoral stimulation, the honesty of this post, it scares me. When I compare my calm, collected, but stressful and scary c section, I don’t know if I want to do that. The day before I had Sydney, I got constipated worse than I ever have before, and MAYBE got a taste of what it is like trying to have a baby. I hated it.

Several friends of mine had c-sections, one who had wanted to do a home birth followed by trying for a hypno birth. From hearing their stories ….

Tone change occurs here. To understand what hit me, you really need to read the birth story that prompted this change. Go read it and then come back.

While writing this, I came across this birth story of a mom who had a cesarean, saw a teeny bit of the baby, and then the baby left the room. The mom in this story waited 5 years from the traumatic birth to have another baby.

When I went to the author of that blog, I remember thinking, I don’t have birth trauma. My birth went very smoothly. Birth trauma, smurf trauma. Then I read that story and realized that I do have birth trauma. I’ve posted along these lines before, but here goes.

The years of waiting for a pregnancy to occur have me wondering will I get pregnant again? Why am I worried about something which I KNOW is not a given? Why worry about how to give birth when I already know pregnancy is not a guarantee, and I have to worry about getting pregnant first?

The spotting at six weeks taught me that once I am pregnant I may not stay pregnant. After the spotting occurred, I checked my underwear EVERY time I used the facilities for a trace of blood.

The IUGR, bed rest, and the intensive monitoring taught me that pregnancy is not safe. The problems with the placenta could have caused a placental abruption, which could have killed me. The placenta could have failed at any time, which could have killed Sydney. My blood pressures played games of borderline too high, and then borderline too low. The pressure of my uterus on the sciatic nerve put me in constant pain. WHY would I EVER want to do this again?

The c-section taught me that listening to the doctor was a wise decision. Despite what I might have wanted, the c-section was the right way to go. Dr. Calm said that Sydney likely would have died had we waited a couple more days, based on the pathology exam of the placenta.

Sydney’s removal from the delivery room, not seeing her for hours, the worry about if she would be ok, the worry that she would die and all I would see was the little blue and bloody bottom and tiny feet taught me that my child is removable from me. Not seeing her for the 3 days because of the cold sore reinforced this. I also learned that she belongs to others who know better than I do about how to care for her (hence my deferral to my mom.). The constant hand scrubbing taught me that I am too dirty to care for her, while the medical professionals, who rarely scrubbed were clean and better able to care for he than I am.

Why would I trust this body, which has failed me so many times? I failed to get pregnant. My uterus is deformed. I failed to carry my baby to term, because the placenta my body created for her was crap. Her placenta was crap because it implanted at the top of my deformed uterus, where the blood flow is poor.

A large part of me feels that I am being selfish and a glutton for punishment to attempt to get pregnant and have a baby again, after all I’ve been through. I contemplate how I will raise an only child. Sydney would be showered with love, affection and guidance. I also LONG for more children. I love being a mother, and want this experience again. Not the high risk pregnancy, NICU, but the experience of being a new mom, and bringing life to the world. I have also watched my Bro and SIL struggle to adopt, and I don’t believe that path is any easier emotionally. Again, there are no guarantees in life. They may never get a baby. I may never get pregnant. They may end up with a NICU baby. My next baby could be healthy.

When you combine the infertility and the trauma I experienced from this pregnancy, it is no wonder I want the planned, sterility, “safety” that a repeat c-section offers. I want to get the birth part over as quickly as possible. I don’t want to labor. I just want the short method to a baby. I don't want the uncertainty of an experience of which I have no frame of reference, namely labor. I never had a contraction. My cervix never dilated. I do know what to expect from a c-section, and that does give me comfort, because I have done that. Recovery was fairly easy for me. I was up walking about 5 hours later, because I had to be up to see my baby. I was walking with no assistance the day after. Because I had felt so crappy during the pregnancy, I felt wonderful after the birth. The tape burn from my bandage hurt the worst. I honestly feel I could do this again. My pelvic floor is intact. No episiomoty here. Just a little scar above my pubic hair, covered by my big belly. One question I ask is Why do I want to labor? Do I want to labor? I feel like labor is something that a woman is supposed to do not something I feel any burning desire to experience. I feel complete without going through labor. I feel this immense pressure from "society" that I should want a VBAC, and that something must be wrong with me for not wanting a VBAC. Am I wrong for clinging to the "medical model" when the medical model served me well in this last experience? What is defunct in me for not wanting to experience labor?

Women talk about birth being an empowering experience. I don't know if I felt empowered, but I felt something. I did feel empowered when Sydney finally latched and started to breast feed successfully. With her birth, I felt relief. I was relieved she was here alive. Is the goal of birth empowerment, or a healthy mom and baby? For me, the goal is a healthy mom and baby. Empowerment, fulfillment, etc are issues for the mom, secondary to the concerns of the baby.

I did feel that I had control. I participated in the decision to have a c-section. I fully believe it was the best way to go. The section was not forced on me for failing to progress. The section was a jointly made decision, a decision that my husband and I have ownership in making. Maybe that is where the empowerment comes from. I worked with a team of medical professionals to have the best birth possible. Empowerment comes from standing up to the surgical nurse wanting to remove my contacts. I refused. She tattled to the nurse anesthesiologist, and he said they were fine. Empowerment came from my being educated about the process, what was happening to me, and what to expect. Empowerment came as I challenged the social worker. Maybe I was empowered by this process.

Sydney and I are bonded. I had great determination and commitment and I am breast feeding. I was always very committed to breast feeding. I am grateful I don't have to go through the issues that come with wanting to breast feed and being unable to.

From what I have read, emotions play a huge part in being able to give birth, and I am sure my emotional and mental state would lead to a repeat c-section anyway. I know from the non-stress tests, I can very upset when a decel happened. Once, my doc put a towel over the machine so I could not see the readout, and taped a cotton ball over the speaker. Sydney had several decels in her heart rate, and I was getting worried. My doc wanted me to sit there for an hour after eating something and peeing. The test then turned out fine, once I was unable to emotionally react to every little change. The food and urination helped as well.

Thing is, I want to have more babies. I want to get pregnant right now, before I become too afraid to do it again. I want to get pregnant before I get too comfortable in my life as a mother of one. I want to get pregnant before I have too much time to think and ponder about this and realize that I would be crazy to risk this again.

The trade off is so wonderful though. I love every minute with Sydney. I love holding and kissing her. I love how she nurses on me. I want to do this again. I don’t want to have the high risk pregnancy / Nicu again.

My c-section in itself was benign. I was in the hands of a doctor who’s skills I trust. I felt safe and cared for during my actual birth. The pregnancy part was ok too. The Nicu is what scares me. During the c-section, Vince was with me. I knew between him and Dr. Calm, nothing bad would happen to me. After Sydney was born, she was taken into the care of strangers, doctors, nurses, and other medical personal whom I did not know and did not trust. While in the NICU with Sydney, I witnessed how newborns were cared for directly after birth. They received competent care, but no soft words, gentle caresses, no nurturing. I worry what the separations between her and me have done to her. I feel guilty because there are moms who live at the NICU, and I could not. There were no facilities for parents there at our hospital. There were no accommodations for parents. We were told several times to go home and rest.

After she was born, I saw her tiny bottom and feet, and realized how small she really was. I heard one short cry before she left the room. I did not see her for hours after that. When I got back to my room, I started to tell my mom how small she was (Vince was in the hall getting verbally abused by his mom.) and I just started to sob. She was so small and tiny. I was so worried. My mom had me call the NICU, sobbing and all to see how she was doing. Vince got to see her not long after that.

I ached to see her, and when I saw her, I was so sad I had to leave, because I kept falling asleep, or trying to vomit. While in the NICU, I got to see the scene replayed over and over. New mom, in an uncomfortable wheelchair, tubes all over the place, crying because they can’t hold their baby, or leaving in tears, because they have to leave their baby. Backside hanging out because no one thought to put a gown on them to use as a robe. Moms seeing their baby for the first time in a sterile, scary environment.

The thing that worries me about the c-section is at that hospital, which is the BEST hospital in the area my health insurance goes to, all babies leave the c-section room immediately after delivery. I also know this because of where Sydney’s bed was in the NICU. I don’t want my baby to leave the room with me for any routine care. If the baby leaves the room, I will be scared the baby won’t come back, like with Sydney.

This leaves me with a dilemma. I don’t want to labor, but to have a c-section, the baby has to leave the room for assessment. If I labor, I have the chance of my baby not leaving the room, but I am scared of labor. Because of my uterine defect, I run a very high risk of having to have a c-section because I might not be able to push the baby out.

I want to trust my body, but I don’t. By being able to breast feed, I am aware that my body can work as it is supposed to. I just don’t know if I can do this again. I want to have more children, but I am very scared this will happen again.
Was Sydney worth it? Yes, she was. Thing is, no one gets pregnant planning on this happening, at least the first time this happens. If/When I get pregnant, I know there is a strong possibility this will happen all over again. I will be doing something, knowing how hard it can be.

After typing 4 rambling pages, I realized two things. 1) The pregnancy and birth were ok. It was what came after that was awful for me. 2) I need help. I called the EAP, and he is looking for a therapist to help me work through this.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

Phone Call

Yesterday Vince was finally able to call me after being in the field for 10 days. He was not able to have access to a phone while in the field.

Only problem is I left my cell phone in the car.

I missed 6 phone call attempts from him.

When I realized this, I was nearly sick. We have not talked for so long. I want to hear his voice and know he is ok. I wanted to be able to connect with him, help him focus, cheer him up, etc.

It is very hard for me to put into words what I get from a call when he is away. I can hear his voice, a voice that my soul longs to hear. I get to re-affirm, without even talking about this, that he is mine, and I am his. It’s not about me checking up on him, or anything like that. It is a deeper soul connection. It is a way to re-affirm we are ok, loving each other, and still missing the other. It’s more than hearing how his day was. It’s about love and all the simple, soundless ways that lovers express their desire for their lover. Sometimes the calls have a sexual flavor to them, but what is expressed in the calls is much deeper and meaningful than a sexual bond.

So later on that evening, my mom asked me if Vince called. She knew I was expecting a phone call from him. I told her that he called several times while I had left my phone in the car. She knew this, as she had tried to reach me during that time.

She told me “Don’t be upset.” I told her “Don’t”.

I am sure she is referring to her frame of reference. If this had happened, my dad would be furious. Especially once my mom had a cell, she was expected to answer his calls. When he was gone, he would get mad if he called and no one was home. He refused to set a time to call, so there were times we missed out on movies, etc because we were waiting for him to call.

Vince is not like that. I was disappointed I missed his call, not afraid he would be mad. I wanted to reconnect with him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him how good Sydney is doing, and to let him hear her. I just wanted to talk to my husband, and based on the 6 missed calls, he wanted to talk to me too.

My question for her is Don’t what?” Don’t miss him? Don’t be sad he is gone? Don’t miss my life with him? Don’t be sad I had a chance to provide him some love and support and I missed it because I left my damn cell phone in the car?

Thing is, my marriage and hers was very different, and she forgets that. I like my life, she was miserable for years.

About 2 years after Vince and I got married, we hit a rough patch. This coincided with the time that my mom and dad separated. She more than once told me I should just move home. After the first time, I stopped talking to her about what was going on. Of course, she took that to mean that Vince had threatened me or something like that, and one incident brought this to a crescendo. It was winter. I had locked my keys into the house. I was late for work. My coat was in the house. I was cold, and all I had was my cell phone. Vince and I had fought a lot about the locks on the door. I felt that the stupid lock on the knob did nothing, but lock people out. He felt that every lock needed to be locked. I’m not talking about the deadbolt, but the little flip lock on the doorknob. Vince was in class, and was not answering. I called my mom, and the story came out in sobs, because I was already emotionally raw because of the stressful morning, being late for work, and being out in a snowstorm. Basically, she came over, helped me break in, and then insisted that I leave Vince right then. I believe she was trying to help, in her own way. She said that my dad used her misunderstood belief that her parents would not let her come back home if the marriage did not work as a tool to keep her in the abusive marriage. I also believe, through therapy, that she was also looking for someone to be single with, to help her out, and to jointly hate our ex husbands.

I did not leave Vince. I don’t know how I maintained the backbone to date him, marry him, and stay with him. She did not approve of him when we started dating. It was hard. As you all have read, I have a hard time standing up to her. I usually deal with her controlling ways by having distance between us. When Vince and I were dating, I lived at her home. Having the courage to remain true to what makes my life happy, namely having Vince in my life, is one of my proudest achievements.

Vince did call me back. He had very little time to talk because of lights out. It was wonderful to hear his voice. He sounded very tired. He got poison ivy on his face. He got satisfactory reviews on his performance. He got along with the others. He just wants to come home. He gets his cell phone back on Wednesday, and comes home on Saturday. If anyone was to hear our conversation, they would not be able to hear how important the call was, as nothing life shattering was discussed. He heard Sydney make some baby noises, and talked to her a little bit.

I was able to tell him about Sydney. At her weight check yesterday, she weighed 6 pounds .5 ounces!!! She gained 10 ounces in 2 weeks. She is on track developmentally with her chronological age, not her adjusted age. She stays on the apnea monitor because she has had recent apnea spells. The pediatrician is not concerned about this.

Anyway, I was upset I missed his call. When he called back, it was several hours after I had missed his calls. I was sure he would not call again that night. He did call, and it was so nice to talk to him. 4 more days.

Letter to Vince

So, because I am so busy, I ended up typing a letter to Vince. There is nothing too personal in it, and I describe what my feelings are now about living with my mom. I am too busy to re-type this, so here it is.

Dear Vince:

Sorry I’m typing again. I will try to write you a letter tonight. Last night, Sydney started crying when I tried to write you. I feel very bad because I know you need letters right now because you are in the field and things are stressful. It has been very hard to find time to write you. Basically, I get harassed and teased by my family when I try when they are around, so I stopped trying. I try to write you after everyone goes to bed, but I get tired too, and last night Sydney was crying. I feel bad because you are getting me letters, and I really have not sent you a real letter since Thursday. I will try harder, but I am very busy and stretched thin.

I am doing ok, I want you to know that. I am just busy and tired. I want to be home. I am tired of dealing with my family. I miss our home and life together. I miss the cats and my own washer and dryer. I miss our bed. I just want to be home. It has been very hard living with my mom and sisters. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but this is VERY hard for me. I just want our normal life back. It is hard to parent with a parenting “expert” there constantly. I would just move home, but I don’t know what I would do for day care. It is stressful. I don’t want to do this again for the 2 weeks you are gone, but I also can’t think of another plan. I spend all my time in the car driving and feel I have no time with Sydney. And when I am there, I have to share her. I am having a hard time with my mom’s lifestyle and rules. I also want her to stop giving me marriage tips. She is trying to help, but the marriage she keeps “tipping” me to have would drive me nuts. I don’t want her marriage, I like ours just fine. I also am not parenting Sydney the way I want too, because she keeps “helping” me on what to do. I just want privacy. Yesterday, my grandma Tuff came over to see the baby, right as Sydney wanted to eat. Instead of leaving, she stayed and watched. Sydney was having a hard time staying latched and then was having a crappy latch, so it was a hard session. This was complicated by my grandma being there, so I was fighting with a blanket and an audience, who never breast feed herself. I wanted to scream. I wanted to say I needed privacy, but I am really concerned with not upsetting them. Thing is, I am upset. I feel very tromped on and unhappy. I really don’t know what to do.

I am doing ok. I don’t want you to think that I am not. This is just hard. I mean when Sydney was in the hospital, at least we were together and at home. My mom also has very little tolerance for me having emotions. She does not want to hear how hard this is for me. She does not want to hear that I miss you, that I hate working. She does not want to believe that living with her is very hard for me. I mean, I’ve had my own life for 7 years now. I’m also not supposed to be affected by Sydney being in the NICU. She is trying to be supportive, but she is not being supportive in the way I need it. She thinks her life is hardest, and I have nothing to complain about.

I miss having you to tell the little things about. My nipples are so sore from the crappy nursing session yesterday, but I have no one to tell about. I miss our daily interactions and the little ways that you make my life so much better.
FYI, Sydney is sleeping with me. It ticks my mom off. I don’t know why, because she co-slept with us, but she thinks Sydney belongs in her crib. It is so much easier for me to have Sydney with me. I start her out in her bed, but when she gets up to be fed, she stays with me. Since she is breast feeding so well, I hook her on and go back to sleep. I don’t see any reason to wake my self up to put her back, only to have to get her in a couple of hours. Just so you know, I plan on keeping that in place. We may what to move her cradle, but I just think she can stay with us. We can talk about this when you get home, but I just wanted to prepare you. Oh, this does not preclude pleasure times. She can be in her cradle just fine there. Just thought you might get worried about that, so don’t. I miss your touch so much.

I hope everything is ok. Please stay strong and focused. I love you very much. I got your card yesterday, and it touched me. Thanks for sending me the card. I am ok, and I am sorry this is a whining letter. I did not mean for it to be that way, but it turned out so.

I love you very much. Sydney is doing great. I take her for a weight check on July 31. She is growing and making so much progress. She has an orange stuffed monkey she loves to stare at. She stares at it for hours. It is so cute. She is trying to turn herself over. She likes her bath a lot as well. She is healthy and doing wonderful. She looks so much like you. I love her so much, and tell her that you love her as well.

Be strong. By my calendar, you come home in 9 days from today. You are on day 24. You should be able to call me on August 31, in 4 days. I am so wanting to hear your voice.

I love you so much.

Yours forever,

Wendy