So we took Sydney to the ortho clinic yesterday. New x-rays, nothing showed up. It all looks good. The doc said to not worry about growth plates, they usually don't cause problems in babies and the bone scan showed the injury in the middle of her femur.
I'm tired. My job is boring and this last week has just drained me. I was so worried about so many things, I just want a break.
Thanks for the kind words. Really ready for a break. Actually looking forward to having my wisdom teeth pulled so I can have a break.
My mom is up to her usual drama, same crap as after Sydney was born. I want a break from that as well. Why can't my family be normal?
MIL up to naughty stuff as well. I am not enjoying the holidays and I miss that. I want to relax and enjoy Christmas. I really love Christmas.
Sydney is her happy and wonderful self. I wonder how someone as moody and depressed as I am could have such a happy go lucky as Sydney. She is the shining star in my life right now.
My brother is up to crap as well. Ohhh I can't stand him. Short: He thinks I should go somewhere else to nurse when I have people over on Christmas. Yeah, he runs my life. Not. He can shove it.
Why does my family think its ok to make stupid suggestions like that one?
A radio talk show host who shall not be named was asking a caller on her show if her family knew she was married, if they acted like it, did she know she was married and acted like it? Thoughts for me to ponder. I don't think that most of my family acts like I'm an adult. How do I change this?
Army Wife Blinkies
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Short update
Short update: I'll fill in later.
Good news: DD gained a whole ounce between Monday and this am. YAY!!!
Bad news: Femur is broken. I need to consult Dr. Google about this type of fracture. It is a "plastic" or greenstick fracture. She is in a splint to help remind us to be gentle by my request. It's not needed for healing.
What a hard day. She had to be sedated because of the bone scan. She nursed at 7:30 this am, then NOTHING until about 4. She was miserable. After the bone scan, because they were worried that ortho may want to do surgery, I was not allowed to feed her. It took both Nubane and Ketamine to get her knocked out. She was so drugged and limp. It was very hard for me to see her laying there motionless. When she woke up, all she wanted to do was nurse, and screamed unconsoably for an hour until she wore out. I was holding her, but this just made her madder, so my mom held and rocked and loved her. The crying just broke my heart. And no she did not need surgery at all, so this was all for nothing. I could have nursed her about 2 hours before I did. Poor baby.
I'll write more tomorrow. Since we got home, she has just wanted to nurse or have my breast very close by. Much comfort nursing going on.
Good news: DD gained a whole ounce between Monday and this am. YAY!!!
Bad news: Femur is broken. I need to consult Dr. Google about this type of fracture. It is a "plastic" or greenstick fracture. She is in a splint to help remind us to be gentle by my request. It's not needed for healing.
What a hard day. She had to be sedated because of the bone scan. She nursed at 7:30 this am, then NOTHING until about 4. She was miserable. After the bone scan, because they were worried that ortho may want to do surgery, I was not allowed to feed her. It took both Nubane and Ketamine to get her knocked out. She was so drugged and limp. It was very hard for me to see her laying there motionless. When she woke up, all she wanted to do was nurse, and screamed unconsoably for an hour until she wore out. I was holding her, but this just made her madder, so my mom held and rocked and loved her. The crying just broke my heart. And no she did not need surgery at all, so this was all for nothing. I could have nursed her about 2 hours before I did. Poor baby.
I'll write more tomorrow. Since we got home, she has just wanted to nurse or have my breast very close by. Much comfort nursing going on.
Party at Primary Children's ER - Long
Sunday night I was over at my moms. The bench that my mom, who was holding Sydney, was on was not locked correctly, and collapsed. They ended up falling between my mom's bookcase and a rocking chair, we were in their living room. My mom did a great job protecting Sydney, but must have injured her little leg when they fell. My mom was holding Sydney's leg when they fell.
After the fall Sydney cried a lot. We thought it was from the commotion and the 5 women in the room screaming. I held her and got her to nurse, and she seemed ok. She co-slept fine Sunday night, and she had some rough nights the past couple of nights so that seemed like a blessing to me.
Monday morning come. She seems ok, but SCREAMS when I changed her diaper. I fed her mashed potatoes on Sunday night, without knowing they had milk in them. I thought it was gas, because she was farting, so I gave her baby gas medicine and she seemed fine. I noticed she was holding her left leg a bit oddly, but thought maybe her diaper needed adjusting, as she was back to her normal happy self. I packed her up for day care and she SCREAMED when I strapped her in, which is par for the course. She usually cries at car seat time.
I took her to day care. I let her provider know what happened and asked her to call me if anything was wrong. She later told me that Sydney was fine, ate fine, slept a little more than normal, but only cried when she was changing her diaper when it was time for me to pick Sydney up. DCP was very upset by her screaming. She did not call me because she knew I was on my way. I called the pediatricians office and got an after hours appointment at 7. Sydney is weighed and now weighs 10 pounds 2 ounces!!! We see the PA. He is very kind, does x rays, says we need to go to Primary Children's ER in Salt Lake, about 30 miles away.
Silly me, I answer when my mom calls, and she says she is coming down. She feels very bad. I told her that who ever was holding her on that bench it would have happened with. DH had a paper due this am, so we had to call my bro to borrow his laptop so DH could finish his paper.
So after me waiting at the peds office for about 45 minutes, DH, mom and Bro arrive. Sydney was all nursed and happy. We believe in the laying on of hands, so DH and Bro give her a blessing. Her leg got bumped during the blessing and she started screaming. My mom nearly lost it during the blessing and ended up crying all over the MA. She was a very nice and understanding MA.
So we all drive to Primary's. We get there and get checked in. Even though the peds office called down and said we were coming, we are told to wait in the lobby. Ummmm The absolute last place I want Sydney is in a pediatric hospital Er waiting room. I tell the nurse that. She said, "well you said she got the synagis shots..." Yes, but they don't prevent RSV, they minimize it. We end up waiting in the car. Sydney desperately wants to nurse, so my mom ends up walking the parking lot all bundled up.
After an hour waiting, we get in. We wait. We wait. Nurse practitioner come in. Seems he did not look at the chart, so asks all the same questions again. Asks why DD is small. Because she is an ex 34 week preemie weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, that's why. Anyway, he says that the x-rays that the peds office are basically worthless. Says we have to have some more.
Then the doctor in charge come in. She says that she and an orthopod looked over the x-rays and they were fine. They want different views of her knee after the doctor examined her leg. They also wanted to draw blood to rule out infections. She lets me nurse Sydney about midnight. Big relief for both of us, as I was about to send DH outside for the pump.
So rad tech comes for Sydney and I. We follow her. As we walk past the nurses desk, a nurse there says our x rays are on hold. We go back to our room, where I begin to panic.
As you may know, until a couple of months ago, I was a child welfare worker. Basically, as Sydney is an infant, I've been very upset that CPS would get called. There were plenty of witnesses to the accident, but still I was very worried. It turns out that a good friend was on-call for Davis county last night, but I still was so very worried. I don't want a CPS case, I don't want a CPS worker involved in my family at all. Something similar happened to another DCFS worker and the children got removed, the family was financially devastated, the worker lost his job. Their entire case was overturned by the appeals court. I'd rather skip that destruction to my family. Also, I believe that I would have to be put on admin leave if there is an investigation on-going as I work in a background clearance position of trust. So far to my knowledge, no referral has been made, thank God. It actually turns out that my friend had to respond to Primary Children's ER last night, same time as we were there. She knew where we were because she saw Vince walk into our room. She decided against visiting to spare me the heart attack that would have happened when I saw her, before she could say she was not there on business. I talked to my mom and DH about what to say if DCFS does get involved. As my sister is still a minor, my mom needs to remind her that she needs to ask for her parent if a caseworker shows up. Basically, I've been in the system, and while I think that child welfare is very needed, and I am very supportive of DCFS, I worry greatly about what would happen to my family. Simply put, I've seen a good family destroyed because a worker made an error. I spent a good part of the night worried about CPS. I mean we are talking about a bone injury in a non-mobile infant. I was just hoping no one decided to doubt what happened, because accidents do happen. Also thankfully, a lady from the neighborhood was over when the incident happened, so we have a non family witness, who also happened to be sitting on the collapsed bench.
The nurse comes in and puts the iv in. She gets the blood they needed. She got the IV in with one poke. We go for x-rays. The ladies were none too nice. Simply put, they asked me to wait outside. As I had said to my mom and to the nurse, I've been through worse with the NICU, I'm staying put. This is something that I have committed to myself from the NICU experience, something I learned. I am there for my daughter. At the doctor's office, the gave me a lead apron to wear, and asked me to hold Sydney's hands. At the hospital, I was not given an apron and they did not even speak to me after I refused to leave the room. I believe that even though Sydney was screaming, having me there to whisper to her and stroke her head was comforting. I hope it was. I don't want to get in the staff's way, but I'm her mom. They can do the procedures, I'll love. From being in the NICU, I've observed that when staff is doing a procedure that is their focus. They usually don't say nice things until they are done. That is why I want to be there, to comfort her while they do their job. I see this as they do their job as nurses, I'll do mine as mom.
After the blood tests come back perfectly normal and the x rays come back fine, the doctor recommends that Sydney have a bone scan. They can't do this at night, and we have to call in the am to schedule this. Because this involves injections, they leave the hep-lock from the IV in. I have been taking care of this. Sydney started to chew on the IV, she chews on everything, so I put a little bootie over her hand. It is the blue one she is wearing. She now chews on the blue head, and quite likes the rattle on her hand. She has not fought with it too much. We finally were discharged at 2:45 am. We were all so very tired.
It has been so hard going through this. It is bringing up emotions from the NICU. Medical issues, fear issues, CPS/social work issues, control issues, my mom issues. It's so hard seeing her cry in pain while procedures are done to her again. Seems she now recognizes syringes, as she started crying when she saw the nurse setting things up. Poor baby. It has also been sad when I hurt her. We have been holding and moving her with great care, but sometimes I bump her leg. She also screams when placed in her car seat, and if I'm not very careful when I change her diaper. She is so very active with her limbs, and her little left leg just sits there. She has it bent at the knee, almost tucked under. She may be happy and kicking with her right leg, but not her left. At her bath tonight, Vince held her arm, I bathed. She did the splashing with her feet that I've taught her, but only with her right leg. She does move her left leg, just not nearly as much.
So we go back to the hotel Primarys tomorrow for the bone scan. I can't nurse her after 8 am until after her procedure is finished and she wakes up, so I'll have to pump. She will be so unhappy. They said we can give her pedialyte in her bottle until 10 am. I've never given her anything but breast milk via bottle, so I have no idea how she will take to it. My mom is going with me as Vince has a final.
I called my boss about needing time off. Thankfully he was wonderful. I told him he could call if he needed anything but he reminded me that I no longer work next door (DCFS) and that they'll handle anything. It was so nice to have my boss worried about me and my baby not the work and being upset because she has to do something. Sydney's day care provider has called a couple of times very worried as well.
Sorry for the long post. It just flowed out of me.
After the fall Sydney cried a lot. We thought it was from the commotion and the 5 women in the room screaming. I held her and got her to nurse, and she seemed ok. She co-slept fine Sunday night, and she had some rough nights the past couple of nights so that seemed like a blessing to me.
Monday morning come. She seems ok, but SCREAMS when I changed her diaper. I fed her mashed potatoes on Sunday night, without knowing they had milk in them. I thought it was gas, because she was farting, so I gave her baby gas medicine and she seemed fine. I noticed she was holding her left leg a bit oddly, but thought maybe her diaper needed adjusting, as she was back to her normal happy self. I packed her up for day care and she SCREAMED when I strapped her in, which is par for the course. She usually cries at car seat time.
I took her to day care. I let her provider know what happened and asked her to call me if anything was wrong. She later told me that Sydney was fine, ate fine, slept a little more than normal, but only cried when she was changing her diaper when it was time for me to pick Sydney up. DCP was very upset by her screaming. She did not call me because she knew I was on my way. I called the pediatricians office and got an after hours appointment at 7. Sydney is weighed and now weighs 10 pounds 2 ounces!!! We see the PA. He is very kind, does x rays, says we need to go to Primary Children's ER in Salt Lake, about 30 miles away.
Silly me, I answer when my mom calls, and she says she is coming down. She feels very bad. I told her that who ever was holding her on that bench it would have happened with. DH had a paper due this am, so we had to call my bro to borrow his laptop so DH could finish his paper.
So after me waiting at the peds office for about 45 minutes, DH, mom and Bro arrive. Sydney was all nursed and happy. We believe in the laying on of hands, so DH and Bro give her a blessing. Her leg got bumped during the blessing and she started screaming. My mom nearly lost it during the blessing and ended up crying all over the MA. She was a very nice and understanding MA.
So we all drive to Primary's. We get there and get checked in. Even though the peds office called down and said we were coming, we are told to wait in the lobby. Ummmm The absolute last place I want Sydney is in a pediatric hospital Er waiting room. I tell the nurse that. She said, "well you said she got the synagis shots..." Yes, but they don't prevent RSV, they minimize it. We end up waiting in the car. Sydney desperately wants to nurse, so my mom ends up walking the parking lot all bundled up.
After an hour waiting, we get in. We wait. We wait. Nurse practitioner come in. Seems he did not look at the chart, so asks all the same questions again. Asks why DD is small. Because she is an ex 34 week preemie weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces, that's why. Anyway, he says that the x-rays that the peds office are basically worthless. Says we have to have some more.
Then the doctor in charge come in. She says that she and an orthopod looked over the x-rays and they were fine. They want different views of her knee after the doctor examined her leg. They also wanted to draw blood to rule out infections. She lets me nurse Sydney about midnight. Big relief for both of us, as I was about to send DH outside for the pump.
So rad tech comes for Sydney and I. We follow her. As we walk past the nurses desk, a nurse there says our x rays are on hold. We go back to our room, where I begin to panic.
As you may know, until a couple of months ago, I was a child welfare worker. Basically, as Sydney is an infant, I've been very upset that CPS would get called. There were plenty of witnesses to the accident, but still I was very worried. It turns out that a good friend was on-call for Davis county last night, but I still was so very worried. I don't want a CPS case, I don't want a CPS worker involved in my family at all. Something similar happened to another DCFS worker and the children got removed, the family was financially devastated, the worker lost his job. Their entire case was overturned by the appeals court. I'd rather skip that destruction to my family. Also, I believe that I would have to be put on admin leave if there is an investigation on-going as I work in a background clearance position of trust. So far to my knowledge, no referral has been made, thank God. It actually turns out that my friend had to respond to Primary Children's ER last night, same time as we were there. She knew where we were because she saw Vince walk into our room. She decided against visiting to spare me the heart attack that would have happened when I saw her, before she could say she was not there on business. I talked to my mom and DH about what to say if DCFS does get involved. As my sister is still a minor, my mom needs to remind her that she needs to ask for her parent if a caseworker shows up. Basically, I've been in the system, and while I think that child welfare is very needed, and I am very supportive of DCFS, I worry greatly about what would happen to my family. Simply put, I've seen a good family destroyed because a worker made an error. I spent a good part of the night worried about CPS. I mean we are talking about a bone injury in a non-mobile infant. I was just hoping no one decided to doubt what happened, because accidents do happen. Also thankfully, a lady from the neighborhood was over when the incident happened, so we have a non family witness, who also happened to be sitting on the collapsed bench.
The nurse comes in and puts the iv in. She gets the blood they needed. She got the IV in with one poke. We go for x-rays. The ladies were none too nice. Simply put, they asked me to wait outside. As I had said to my mom and to the nurse, I've been through worse with the NICU, I'm staying put. This is something that I have committed to myself from the NICU experience, something I learned. I am there for my daughter. At the doctor's office, the gave me a lead apron to wear, and asked me to hold Sydney's hands. At the hospital, I was not given an apron and they did not even speak to me after I refused to leave the room. I believe that even though Sydney was screaming, having me there to whisper to her and stroke her head was comforting. I hope it was. I don't want to get in the staff's way, but I'm her mom. They can do the procedures, I'll love. From being in the NICU, I've observed that when staff is doing a procedure that is their focus. They usually don't say nice things until they are done. That is why I want to be there, to comfort her while they do their job. I see this as they do their job as nurses, I'll do mine as mom.
After the blood tests come back perfectly normal and the x rays come back fine, the doctor recommends that Sydney have a bone scan. They can't do this at night, and we have to call in the am to schedule this. Because this involves injections, they leave the hep-lock from the IV in. I have been taking care of this. Sydney started to chew on the IV, she chews on everything, so I put a little bootie over her hand. It is the blue one she is wearing. She now chews on the blue head, and quite likes the rattle on her hand. She has not fought with it too much. We finally were discharged at 2:45 am. We were all so very tired.
It has been so hard going through this. It is bringing up emotions from the NICU. Medical issues, fear issues, CPS/social work issues, control issues, my mom issues. It's so hard seeing her cry in pain while procedures are done to her again. Seems she now recognizes syringes, as she started crying when she saw the nurse setting things up. Poor baby. It has also been sad when I hurt her. We have been holding and moving her with great care, but sometimes I bump her leg. She also screams when placed in her car seat, and if I'm not very careful when I change her diaper. She is so very active with her limbs, and her little left leg just sits there. She has it bent at the knee, almost tucked under. She may be happy and kicking with her right leg, but not her left. At her bath tonight, Vince held her arm, I bathed. She did the splashing with her feet that I've taught her, but only with her right leg. She does move her left leg, just not nearly as much.
So we go back to the hotel Primarys tomorrow for the bone scan. I can't nurse her after 8 am until after her procedure is finished and she wakes up, so I'll have to pump. She will be so unhappy. They said we can give her pedialyte in her bottle until 10 am. I've never given her anything but breast milk via bottle, so I have no idea how she will take to it. My mom is going with me as Vince has a final.
I called my boss about needing time off. Thankfully he was wonderful. I told him he could call if he needed anything but he reminded me that I no longer work next door (DCFS) and that they'll handle anything. It was so nice to have my boss worried about me and my baby not the work and being upset because she has to do something. Sydney's day care provider has called a couple of times very worried as well.
Sorry for the long post. It just flowed out of me.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Many questions
69 ODD QUESTIONS. COPY AND PASTE. BE TRUTHFUL AND SEND IT BACK TO ME AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS....
1. Are your parents married or divorced? Separated, but they have been for 7 years, so I think it’s about time to get a divorce.
2. Are you a vegetarian? No, and I’m having ribs tonight at a party. YUMMY.
3. Do you believe in Heaven? Yes
4. Have you ever come close to dying? no
5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Wedding ring, emerald stone ring, watch. I had a charm bracelet that I used to wear all the time, but I somehow lost it in the midst of having Sydney. It could be at my house, or it could be lost at the hospital. I feel sad about losing my charm bracelet
6. Favorite time of the day? Evenings. Hate mornings.
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? No, YUCK!!!
8. Do you wear make-up? YES!
9. Ever have plastic surgery? No, but I’ve had laser procedures and want more. Someday after I’m done having children I want a breast lift/reduction and tummy tuck.
10. Do you color your hair? Yes, the grays really showed up after the baby.
11. What do you wear to bed? Usually a nightgown.
12. Have you ever done something illegal? Yup. Who has not?
13. Can you roll your tongue? Yes.
14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows? No I have them waxed.
15. What kind of sneakers? New Balence
16. Do you believe in abortions? I used to be pro-choice. But after seeing Sydney on the screen at 5 weeks 6 days and hearing her heartbeat that small, I’ve changed. I lean more pro-life now. I don’t want the government being involved in my life, but I also think that babies need to be protected. I wish there were more adoptions, and that every baby would be a wanted baby.
17. What is your hair color? Brown
18. Future child's name? Well… Katherine still is out there, but if a boy, William Vincent.
19. Do you snore? Yes, loudly.
20. If you could be anywhere in the world where would it be? Beach
21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, but I sleep with 2 homo sapiens and 3 felines.
22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Buy a house, new cars, super first class vacation. Oh, and buy some Manolo Blanik shoes.
23. Gold or silver? Gold
24. Hamburger or hot dog? Both are nice.
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? What is that about? I’d die of boredom. I do love Italian.
26. City, beach or country? Beach!
27. What was the last thing you touched? My lips, now the y key now the space key… I give up. 28. Where did you last eat? At my desk breakfast, French toast sticks from Burger King.
29. When's the last time you cried? Last night. Sad movie.
30. Do you read blogs? YUP, sure do.
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? Ummm…. I’m in pants and a button down shirt now…..
32. Ever been involved with the police? Yes, personally, professionally, and sexually…. ;) Vince is a MP.
33. What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap? I just love the freesia Vo5 kind. Smells so nice.
34. Do you talk in your sleep? Only when sick or on a sedative.
35. Ocean or pool? A pool by the ocean, great!
36. What's your favorite song at the moment? Patty Cake.
37. What's your favorite color? Pink and blue
38 window seat or aisle? Window
39. Ever met anyone famous? Was in a traffic jam in a car next to a car being driven by Anjelica Huston. Traffic in LA, the great equalizer. Marina Sirtis, Deanna Troy from Star Trek.
40. Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? Hope so. I have a family who I love and who loves me, that is pretty successful.
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
42. Ricki Lake or Oprah? Ricki is not on any more. Oprah when she is doing one of her fluff shows. Otherwise she is VERY preachy. Same for Martha. When I was on bed rest, I LOVED Maury with his paternity questions.
43. Basketball or football? USC football, even though they let UCLA win.
44. How long do your showers last? Depends, could be a 8 minute one, or a half an hour one.
45. Automatic or do you drive stick? Automatic. I can drive a standard.
46. Cake or ice cream? Both! Chocolate, Yummy.
47. Are you self-conscious? yes
48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up? NO
49. Have you ever given money to a tramp? Used to, but now I don’t. I sometimes offer to buy them some food.
50. Have you been in love? yes
51. Where do you wish you were? Jamaica
52. Are you wearing socks? Yes
53. have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes
54. Can you tango? No, wish I could
55. Last gift you received? Vince bought me an Ipod Nano for my birthday.
56. Last sport you played? *the sound of crickets*-. . . . Does watching college football and cheering count?
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? Food, clothes, scrap booking, just general money wasting. Vince and I have a lot of electronic gizmos.
58. Where do you live? Utah
59. Where were you born? Downey, CA.
60. Last wedding attended? Can’t remember
61. Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Time
62. If you could do anything over, what would you do? Save better.
63. Most hated food(s)? broccoli, onions, radishes, melons
64. What's your least favorite chores? Picking up and folding laundry
65. Can you sing? Yes
66. Last person you instant messaged? Barry at work
67. Last place you went on holiday? Been so very long…. Maybe Bear Lake?
68. Favorite regular drink? Diet Coke and Pepsi, ice cold water, fresh squeezed orange juice
69. Current crush? Vince :)
1. Are your parents married or divorced? Separated, but they have been for 7 years, so I think it’s about time to get a divorce.
2. Are you a vegetarian? No, and I’m having ribs tonight at a party. YUMMY.
3. Do you believe in Heaven? Yes
4. Have you ever come close to dying? no
5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? Wedding ring, emerald stone ring, watch. I had a charm bracelet that I used to wear all the time, but I somehow lost it in the midst of having Sydney. It could be at my house, or it could be lost at the hospital. I feel sad about losing my charm bracelet
6. Favorite time of the day? Evenings. Hate mornings.
7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? No, YUCK!!!
8. Do you wear make-up? YES!
9. Ever have plastic surgery? No, but I’ve had laser procedures and want more. Someday after I’m done having children I want a breast lift/reduction and tummy tuck.
10. Do you color your hair? Yes, the grays really showed up after the baby.
11. What do you wear to bed? Usually a nightgown.
12. Have you ever done something illegal? Yup. Who has not?
13. Can you roll your tongue? Yes.
14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows? No I have them waxed.
15. What kind of sneakers? New Balence
16. Do you believe in abortions? I used to be pro-choice. But after seeing Sydney on the screen at 5 weeks 6 days and hearing her heartbeat that small, I’ve changed. I lean more pro-life now. I don’t want the government being involved in my life, but I also think that babies need to be protected. I wish there were more adoptions, and that every baby would be a wanted baby.
17. What is your hair color? Brown
18. Future child's name? Well… Katherine still is out there, but if a boy, William Vincent.
19. Do you snore? Yes, loudly.
20. If you could be anywhere in the world where would it be? Beach
21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, but I sleep with 2 homo sapiens and 3 felines.
22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Buy a house, new cars, super first class vacation. Oh, and buy some Manolo Blanik shoes.
23. Gold or silver? Gold
24. Hamburger or hot dog? Both are nice.
25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? What is that about? I’d die of boredom. I do love Italian.
26. City, beach or country? Beach!
27. What was the last thing you touched? My lips, now the y key now the space key… I give up. 28. Where did you last eat? At my desk breakfast, French toast sticks from Burger King.
29. When's the last time you cried? Last night. Sad movie.
30. Do you read blogs? YUP, sure do.
31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? Ummm…. I’m in pants and a button down shirt now…..
32. Ever been involved with the police? Yes, personally, professionally, and sexually…. ;) Vince is a MP.
33. What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap? I just love the freesia Vo5 kind. Smells so nice.
34. Do you talk in your sleep? Only when sick or on a sedative.
35. Ocean or pool? A pool by the ocean, great!
36. What's your favorite song at the moment? Patty Cake.
37. What's your favorite color? Pink and blue
38 window seat or aisle? Window
39. Ever met anyone famous? Was in a traffic jam in a car next to a car being driven by Anjelica Huston. Traffic in LA, the great equalizer. Marina Sirtis, Deanna Troy from Star Trek.
40. Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? Hope so. I have a family who I love and who loves me, that is pretty successful.
41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
42. Ricki Lake or Oprah? Ricki is not on any more. Oprah when she is doing one of her fluff shows. Otherwise she is VERY preachy. Same for Martha. When I was on bed rest, I LOVED Maury with his paternity questions.
43. Basketball or football? USC football, even though they let UCLA win.
44. How long do your showers last? Depends, could be a 8 minute one, or a half an hour one.
45. Automatic or do you drive stick? Automatic. I can drive a standard.
46. Cake or ice cream? Both! Chocolate, Yummy.
47. Are you self-conscious? yes
48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up? NO
49. Have you ever given money to a tramp? Used to, but now I don’t. I sometimes offer to buy them some food.
50. Have you been in love? yes
51. Where do you wish you were? Jamaica
52. Are you wearing socks? Yes
53. have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes
54. Can you tango? No, wish I could
55. Last gift you received? Vince bought me an Ipod Nano for my birthday.
56. Last sport you played? *the sound of crickets*-. . . . Does watching college football and cheering count?
57. Things you spend a lot of money on? Food, clothes, scrap booking, just general money wasting. Vince and I have a lot of electronic gizmos.
58. Where do you live? Utah
59. Where were you born? Downey, CA.
60. Last wedding attended? Can’t remember
61. Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Time
62. If you could do anything over, what would you do? Save better.
63. Most hated food(s)? broccoli, onions, radishes, melons
64. What's your least favorite chores? Picking up and folding laundry
65. Can you sing? Yes
66. Last person you instant messaged? Barry at work
67. Last place you went on holiday? Been so very long…. Maybe Bear Lake?
68. Favorite regular drink? Diet Coke and Pepsi, ice cold water, fresh squeezed orange juice
69. Current crush? Vince :)
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
My day
Here is how my day has gone so far.
- It's about 10 degrees here. What happens when it gets super cold? Car batteries go kaput? Yup you guessed it. Oh what fun that is in the very cold, weather report said it was 11 degrees, a crying baby and a jumper cables. DH was at school.
- I've been busy all morning. I'm about to explode. I sit down to pump. Guess what? No power I left the @#$#^# thing at home. Because it's freezing cold here, get all bundled up and go to convienence store for batteries. Pay highway robbery for 8AA's.
- While pumping, someone comes by wanting to chat. I cover up and chat while trying to not squirt her.
- DH had to go for an ass chewing at ROTC. Have not heard what happened.
- Dh washed his cell phone. My bid for a great cell phone on ebay got sniped by a 0 feedback moron, brand new ebay jerk, I mean member, with no intention to pay. He outbid everyone on all of the seller's auctions. Means I have to wait until Sunday to get this purchased.
- Sydney gets about 6 immunizations this afternoon. So I will have to deal with a very cranky baby for the next couple of days.
- I need to buy a new formal top for 2 formal dinners this weekend. No time or money.
- I am trying to stockpile breast milk. Problem is I am barely getting enough to cover her day care feedings. I estimate I need 4 ounces for tomorrow evening when MIL watches DD because I have to work late, 8 ounces for when sister watches DD from about 6-10 on Friday, and at least 12 ounces for when my mom (sigh) watches DD from 2:30 to 11ish on Saturday. Pressure and stress. My Stash from the NICU days is gone, gone, gone.
- The computer program we use is down. Can't do my work.
- I have to go to training the next 2 days with a training nazi. For some dumb reason, while all other state trainings go from 9-4, hers go from 8-5. Oh, I love driving to Salt Lake in the traffic.
So that's where I am today.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I cannot say
I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom lately.
I want her to be a type of mom she is not.
Plain and simple that is it.
After my experience with my pregnancy and the NICU, I’ve learned the painful fact that my mom has her own issues, issues which I cannot solve.
With everyone else, I am not a pushover. I have no problem standing up and defending myself or someone else to just about everyone I know. This includes the, respectfully Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I can say just about anything to anyone, including God.
Except my mom.
I cannot say to my mom “I wish you had not lectured me when I called you in tears after the run in with the social worker about the camera. I wish you had taken my side.”
I cannot say “When I called you to tell you that the ultrasound measured Sydney as 3 weeks behind, I wish you had cried with me. Rather, you told me this was because I was using technology, and if I went to an old male OB, who did not use ultrasounds, everything would be ok.” Had I followed that advice, Sydney would definitely been dead, and maybe me too.
I cannot say “When I told you I had to have a cesarean section, I wish you would have mourned with me the loss of my dreamed for vaginal birth. Rather you lectured me on surrendering my birth, and the unnecessary use of cesarean sections.”
I cannot say “I was so stressed out during that non-stress test, and your being there only added to this. I am forever grateful that the tech was paying attention to how you were lecturing me about not being ready for this baby. She came around the curtain and suggested that you go get me lunch to see if food would help the baby. You left, and I went from completely failing the non stress test and having worrisome high blood pressure to being normal. I ignored your calls that weekend on doctor’s orders. It was either that or she was admitting me with no visitor privileges.”
I cannot say “I’m an adult. I do not need you involved with my medical decisions. I need you to be supportive, but you do not get a saw in who my provider is, what medical treatments I get, and what happens.” When you wanted me to add your name to the release of information I signed when I first was pregnant so Vince had full access to my medical history.
I cannot say “I wish I could talk to you about how to help Vince right now. Instead you will likely pressure me to leave him, and use this as ammunition in the future.”
I cannot say “Please minimizing how hard it is for me to be away from Sydney during the day. You never had to put your baby in day care. You do not know what it is like.”
I cannot say, “You never had a high risk pregnancy. You never had a cesarean section. You never had a premature tiny baby. You never had a baby in the NICU. You do not know anything about any of these things, so stop telling me what I should and should not feel, should and should not do, how I should act.”
I cannot say “I wish you would have been more supportive of me and Vince about the scene his mother caused after Sydney was born. Instead we had to walk on eggshells with everyone. I did not hurt your feelings, and neither did Vince, but we bore the brunt of your emotions when we were least able to handle this.”
I cannot say “I wish you would accept my life without judging me. I love my husband. I love my daughter. We occasionally go to church. Our home is often a mess. We care for each other and love, rather than the nagging and screaming which you did/do to have your home clean.”
I cannot say “I hate schedules. I hate getting up early. Leave me alone about it.” It was very hard for me, with all my emotions and pain with Sydney’s birth to have to have you nag at me for not making schedules to fit your needs, rather than to recognize that your daughter was suffering and your schedule discussion came across as an attack of a new mommy.
I cannot say “You thought you were being supportive while Sydney was in the NICU, but you were not. I gave up the emotional energy trying to get you to be supportive. Yes you bought clothes, but this made me feel that what I bought was unneeded.”
I cannot say “Thank you for purchasing a blessing dress for Sydney. However, it is the type of dress you want, not what I told you I want. I do not want to bless Sydney in the dress you bought incase she died, so I have something to bury her in. I felt very stepped on. I did not want to bless her in the bad juju dress, but I did because you were already very upset about Vince’s mom, and I could not handle your upset if I got a different dress. I wish you would have asked me if you could purchase a dress, or suggested that I select a dress and you will pay for it. What you do not know is that there is a bookmarked dress that Vince and I selected in case she did not survive, ready to be overnighted if the need arose. I allowed you to step all over my boundaries here, and I wish I had done more to express this to you.”
I cannot say, “Go read my blog.” because this honesty will crush you, and you will cut me off and even though I am leaning better how to be your daughter and what my boundaries are, I still need you.
These are all things I cannot say. I wish I could.
Now I wonder how to prevent Sydney typing something similar in 30 years.
I say that because we often parent as we were parented. I do not want to parent the same way. I want to be someone Sydney wants to be there when she is in a crisis, not someone who adds to her pain.
I want her to be a type of mom she is not.
Plain and simple that is it.
After my experience with my pregnancy and the NICU, I’ve learned the painful fact that my mom has her own issues, issues which I cannot solve.
With everyone else, I am not a pushover. I have no problem standing up and defending myself or someone else to just about everyone I know. This includes the, respectfully Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I can say just about anything to anyone, including God.
Except my mom.
I cannot say to my mom “I wish you had not lectured me when I called you in tears after the run in with the social worker about the camera. I wish you had taken my side.”
I cannot say “When I called you to tell you that the ultrasound measured Sydney as 3 weeks behind, I wish you had cried with me. Rather, you told me this was because I was using technology, and if I went to an old male OB, who did not use ultrasounds, everything would be ok.” Had I followed that advice, Sydney would definitely been dead, and maybe me too.
I cannot say “When I told you I had to have a cesarean section, I wish you would have mourned with me the loss of my dreamed for vaginal birth. Rather you lectured me on surrendering my birth, and the unnecessary use of cesarean sections.”
I cannot say “I was so stressed out during that non-stress test, and your being there only added to this. I am forever grateful that the tech was paying attention to how you were lecturing me about not being ready for this baby. She came around the curtain and suggested that you go get me lunch to see if food would help the baby. You left, and I went from completely failing the non stress test and having worrisome high blood pressure to being normal. I ignored your calls that weekend on doctor’s orders. It was either that or she was admitting me with no visitor privileges.”
I cannot say “I’m an adult. I do not need you involved with my medical decisions. I need you to be supportive, but you do not get a saw in who my provider is, what medical treatments I get, and what happens.” When you wanted me to add your name to the release of information I signed when I first was pregnant so Vince had full access to my medical history.
I cannot say “I wish I could talk to you about how to help Vince right now. Instead you will likely pressure me to leave him, and use this as ammunition in the future.”
I cannot say “Please minimizing how hard it is for me to be away from Sydney during the day. You never had to put your baby in day care. You do not know what it is like.”
I cannot say, “You never had a high risk pregnancy. You never had a cesarean section. You never had a premature tiny baby. You never had a baby in the NICU. You do not know anything about any of these things, so stop telling me what I should and should not feel, should and should not do, how I should act.”
I cannot say “I wish you would have been more supportive of me and Vince about the scene his mother caused after Sydney was born. Instead we had to walk on eggshells with everyone. I did not hurt your feelings, and neither did Vince, but we bore the brunt of your emotions when we were least able to handle this.”
I cannot say “I wish you would accept my life without judging me. I love my husband. I love my daughter. We occasionally go to church. Our home is often a mess. We care for each other and love, rather than the nagging and screaming which you did/do to have your home clean.”
I cannot say “I hate schedules. I hate getting up early. Leave me alone about it.” It was very hard for me, with all my emotions and pain with Sydney’s birth to have to have you nag at me for not making schedules to fit your needs, rather than to recognize that your daughter was suffering and your schedule discussion came across as an attack of a new mommy.
I cannot say “You thought you were being supportive while Sydney was in the NICU, but you were not. I gave up the emotional energy trying to get you to be supportive. Yes you bought clothes, but this made me feel that what I bought was unneeded.”
I cannot say “Thank you for purchasing a blessing dress for Sydney. However, it is the type of dress you want, not what I told you I want. I do not want to bless Sydney in the dress you bought incase she died, so I have something to bury her in. I felt very stepped on. I did not want to bless her in the bad juju dress, but I did because you were already very upset about Vince’s mom, and I could not handle your upset if I got a different dress. I wish you would have asked me if you could purchase a dress, or suggested that I select a dress and you will pay for it. What you do not know is that there is a bookmarked dress that Vince and I selected in case she did not survive, ready to be overnighted if the need arose. I allowed you to step all over my boundaries here, and I wish I had done more to express this to you.”
I cannot say, “Go read my blog.” because this honesty will crush you, and you will cut me off and even though I am leaning better how to be your daughter and what my boundaries are, I still need you.
These are all things I cannot say. I wish I could.
Now I wonder how to prevent Sydney typing something similar in 30 years.
I say that because we often parent as we were parented. I do not want to parent the same way. I want to be someone Sydney wants to be there when she is in a crisis, not someone who adds to her pain.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
BFN
I was over playing games last night at the home of two dear friends. While there, the one trying to get pregnant took a pregnancy test and it came back a BFN.
I just hate infertility. It just sucks.
You know who you are, but I am so very sorry about your BFN. I had my fingers crossed for your family to add the new family member you desire.
I've been there. I had a way to long cycle, and I was sure I was pregnant. No, my hormones were so screwed up that I had not had a period for 3 months. I had to take medicine to start my period.
I hate peeing on a stick. Until Sydney, that stick had never even given me any glimmer that I was pregnant. No faint line, no maybe, no hint of hope.
That is what you have to have to survive infertility. Hope. Courage. Love.
Hang onto your hope. There were times that this seemed hopeless for us, but there always is something to hope for.
It is a tremendous act of courage to TTC again after a BFN. You want something so simple, but it is so very hard.
Hang onto the love of your spouse. Your spouse hurts as you do. Don't let infertility drive a wedge between you. You will need each others love to get through the hard times.
I hope I'm not coming off preachy, that is not my desire. I just wanted to share a bit of what I learned through our infertility journey.
I just hate infertility. It just sucks.
You know who you are, but I am so very sorry about your BFN. I had my fingers crossed for your family to add the new family member you desire.
I've been there. I had a way to long cycle, and I was sure I was pregnant. No, my hormones were so screwed up that I had not had a period for 3 months. I had to take medicine to start my period.
I hate peeing on a stick. Until Sydney, that stick had never even given me any glimmer that I was pregnant. No faint line, no maybe, no hint of hope.
That is what you have to have to survive infertility. Hope. Courage. Love.
Hang onto your hope. There were times that this seemed hopeless for us, but there always is something to hope for.
It is a tremendous act of courage to TTC again after a BFN. You want something so simple, but it is so very hard.
Hang onto the love of your spouse. Your spouse hurts as you do. Don't let infertility drive a wedge between you. You will need each others love to get through the hard times.
I hope I'm not coming off preachy, that is not my desire. I just wanted to share a bit of what I learned through our infertility journey.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Quiet
I've been quiet lately. Sorry. I have been editing and posting videos on my You-Tube site located here for a shameless plug.....youtube.com/intorainbowz .
It's been a quiet time for me. Vince's grandmother died last Thursday. I loved her. She was always so very kind to me. She was a great buffer between me and MIL when MIL went bonkers when Sydney was born.
This is MIL and Abuela and Sydney.
This is MIL, DH, Abuela, and Sydney.
She had been ill for some time, and was ready to go. I still miss her, and actually have a hard time believing she is dead, even though I saw her body, and watched her casket be lowered into the ground.
Unfortunately, as happens in my family and I'm sure yours too, a death, same as a birth, is a time for every one to go a little crazy. Vince's aunt went off her meds, police had to be called more than once. After the Rosary was said at the viewing, she decided to make a speech, basically blasting MIL. MIL has been the only child of Abuela's to actually care for her and meet her needs. Like I told my SIL married to my brother, take your crazy family member and add booze.
It is weird for me. As so much of the rituals of her death were different than I am used to, I barely felt I was at a funeral. I'm LDS, she is Catholic. The funeral was a mass, very different than a Mormon funeral. The songs, the prayers, the rituals were different and foreign to me.
Sydney loved the stained glass windows and the smell of the frankinse and myrrh that they used in the incense, and thought mass was great. My mom came and held her most of the service. It was nice that my mom could stand in place and sway Sydney. I was uncomfortable, as this is not my faith, and other than knowing to say "and also with you" after the priest says "Peace be with you" and "Lord hear our prayer" after "Let us pray to the Lord." the rituals and meanings behind those rituals are unknown to me. I also know that the "sign of Peace" means shake every-one's hand around you. (I learned this at a wedding in Mexico where I was separated from the host family, and had absolutely no clue about what was going on both as a non-Catholic and a non-Spanish speaker. Carmen leaned across the isle and hissed at me "It's the sign of peace and you are being rude." as I was standing there looking funny. ) I did not know when to stand and sit. And (snark warning) the Catholics seated in front of me had as much idea as the 3 Mormons sitting on my pew when to stand and sit. The Priest had to use his hands to direct us.
No offense to any Catholics reading this, but I would be a very bad Catholic. In the LDS church, the sacrament consists of bread and water. The water is poured into little paper or plastic one time use cups. Catholics use one communal cup. That just grosses me out, the whole sharing of the cup by multiple people I don't know. Maybe had I been raised with this as a normal custom, I would be ok with it, but the germaphobe in my says no. (After the sign of peace, Vince got out the Purell.)
I did not go to the gathering after the funeral. It was at Abuela's home. I would have liked to go, but I knew there would be a lot of smoking going on there. Some of the Aunts were a bit disappointed that Sydney would not be there. They asked why. I simply stated "There will be smoking there, and she cannot be around cigarette smoke." MIL told me that at the home, they said I was rude and judgemental. Thankfully MIL stood up for me, and said that babies should not be around cigarette smoke and any moron knows that. (HAHAHA she was much ruder than I.) There was another baby there, and Vince said at one point there were 4 lit cigarettes around her. When Vince came home, he stunk WORSE than when we used to go gambling in a casino. REALLY. His suit had to go to the cleaners, and he had to shower. He said that there was underage drinking going on as well. He felt like he was caught between his family and that he is a sworn police officer (albeit very part time.) I might have felt the need to call the police, and told him so. Other than a sip at New Years, I have no tolerance for underage drinking, especially when the uncle gives teenagers beers. No not sips, their own beer. I don't understand how a family get together to honor Abuela turns into a kegger.
Anyway, I got off topic. I will miss Abuela. I always meant to get her rice recipe, and now it is gone.
It's been a quiet time for me. Vince's grandmother died last Thursday. I loved her. She was always so very kind to me. She was a great buffer between me and MIL when MIL went bonkers when Sydney was born.
This is MIL and Abuela and Sydney.
This is MIL, DH, Abuela, and Sydney.
She had been ill for some time, and was ready to go. I still miss her, and actually have a hard time believing she is dead, even though I saw her body, and watched her casket be lowered into the ground.
Unfortunately, as happens in my family and I'm sure yours too, a death, same as a birth, is a time for every one to go a little crazy. Vince's aunt went off her meds, police had to be called more than once. After the Rosary was said at the viewing, she decided to make a speech, basically blasting MIL. MIL has been the only child of Abuela's to actually care for her and meet her needs. Like I told my SIL married to my brother, take your crazy family member and add booze.
It is weird for me. As so much of the rituals of her death were different than I am used to, I barely felt I was at a funeral. I'm LDS, she is Catholic. The funeral was a mass, very different than a Mormon funeral. The songs, the prayers, the rituals were different and foreign to me.
Sydney loved the stained glass windows and the smell of the frankinse and myrrh that they used in the incense, and thought mass was great. My mom came and held her most of the service. It was nice that my mom could stand in place and sway Sydney. I was uncomfortable, as this is not my faith, and other than knowing to say "and also with you" after the priest says "Peace be with you" and "Lord hear our prayer" after "Let us pray to the Lord." the rituals and meanings behind those rituals are unknown to me. I also know that the "sign of Peace" means shake every-one's hand around you. (I learned this at a wedding in Mexico where I was separated from the host family, and had absolutely no clue about what was going on both as a non-Catholic and a non-Spanish speaker. Carmen leaned across the isle and hissed at me "It's the sign of peace and you are being rude." as I was standing there looking funny. ) I did not know when to stand and sit. And (snark warning) the Catholics seated in front of me had as much idea as the 3 Mormons sitting on my pew when to stand and sit. The Priest had to use his hands to direct us.
No offense to any Catholics reading this, but I would be a very bad Catholic. In the LDS church, the sacrament consists of bread and water. The water is poured into little paper or plastic one time use cups. Catholics use one communal cup. That just grosses me out, the whole sharing of the cup by multiple people I don't know. Maybe had I been raised with this as a normal custom, I would be ok with it, but the germaphobe in my says no. (After the sign of peace, Vince got out the Purell.)
I did not go to the gathering after the funeral. It was at Abuela's home. I would have liked to go, but I knew there would be a lot of smoking going on there. Some of the Aunts were a bit disappointed that Sydney would not be there. They asked why. I simply stated "There will be smoking there, and she cannot be around cigarette smoke." MIL told me that at the home, they said I was rude and judgemental. Thankfully MIL stood up for me, and said that babies should not be around cigarette smoke and any moron knows that. (HAHAHA she was much ruder than I.) There was another baby there, and Vince said at one point there were 4 lit cigarettes around her. When Vince came home, he stunk WORSE than when we used to go gambling in a casino. REALLY. His suit had to go to the cleaners, and he had to shower. He said that there was underage drinking going on as well. He felt like he was caught between his family and that he is a sworn police officer (albeit very part time.) I might have felt the need to call the police, and told him so. Other than a sip at New Years, I have no tolerance for underage drinking, especially when the uncle gives teenagers beers. No not sips, their own beer. I don't understand how a family get together to honor Abuela turns into a kegger.
Anyway, I got off topic. I will miss Abuela. I always meant to get her rice recipe, and now it is gone.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Power
No line. I went at 9 while everyone was at work.
No gunfire. No 10 mile walk. I drove, even though it was just across the street. I was going to work after.
No ink on my finger. I was Id'd, even though I registered in person, had proof of that, and was Id'd at that time. Vince who registered after me, will not be Id'd.
No armed troops anywhere. Well the police department was across the parking lot, but they were off busting speeders, because that's all they do.
No fanfare. No bombs. No civil war.
I peacefully walked into an elementary school, and with my finger exercised power. Today I am as powerful as the President of the United States. Today I exercised the power that if enough people agree with me, we could overthrow our government bloodlessly, peacefully, and in an orderly fashion.
I voted. The president and I, and you if you go vote, each only count as one. Last time I voted, he and I cancelled out each other's votes as I'm sure he voted for himself, and I sure has hell voted for the other guy.
I walked in, showed my ID, took the card, inserted it into the machine, politely declined the offer to show me how to work the touch screen, and voted. I pushed the little x by the name of the people I feel will best represent me. While I refuse to use the strait party option, the smiley face of the Personal Choice party was QUITE intriguing.
I left several items blank. It was very sad to see how many county positions were running unopposed. All Republicans, no challengers. Not even a Personal Choice candidate to select. I toyed with writing myself in, but did not. I just could not vote for someone who already is a shue in. I voted against 2 judges retaining their seats, I've seen them in action and did not like what I saw. Other than the judges I did vote for, and the Utah Constitutional Amendment I voted for, I hold no illusions that the people I voted for will actually be elected. They are Democrats running in Davis County, Utah for crying out loud. Davis County has not elected a Democrat to ANYTHING for about 20 years.
Where does that leave people like me? Unrepresented, unheard, unimportant.
Today, I was important. I voted. Rather than being disillusioned and ignoring election day, because I know that the uselessness of my going and voting, I chose to make a stand. Even though no one I voted for will be elected, I put my finger on the screen and demanded to be counted.
I took Sydney with me. I talked to her about how important voting is. I want her to be a voter. It is important to me to raise a voter. She will go again with her daddy this evening. When Sydney is bigger, I will let her push the X on the screen, like my dad let me push the pen into the hole next to the name of Ronald Reagan, and George Bush. I will teach her about what I think is politically important, just as my father used that time in the canvas walls to tell me of the glories of the GOP and how Reagan will save America. My dad taught me about pushing the pen all the way in, and making sure no chads were left hanging. My dad taught me how important it is to vote from a young age, and I hope to follow his example and teach that to Sydney.
It was a bit odd using the computers. No clunk clunk of the pens pushing the chads off. No little booth with a flag as a door. No canvas walls to prevent the voter from distraction. My vote was private, it was a different experience than the last time I voted.
Have you voted? People have died for the right of American Citizens to vote. People in Iraq stood for hours to vote under the threat of violence. It is the least we can do to walk on over to the local elementary school and use our finger on the screen.
Today I excercised power. What a blessing that is.
No gunfire. No 10 mile walk. I drove, even though it was just across the street. I was going to work after.
No ink on my finger. I was Id'd, even though I registered in person, had proof of that, and was Id'd at that time. Vince who registered after me, will not be Id'd.
No armed troops anywhere. Well the police department was across the parking lot, but they were off busting speeders, because that's all they do.
No fanfare. No bombs. No civil war.
I peacefully walked into an elementary school, and with my finger exercised power. Today I am as powerful as the President of the United States. Today I exercised the power that if enough people agree with me, we could overthrow our government bloodlessly, peacefully, and in an orderly fashion.
I voted. The president and I, and you if you go vote, each only count as one. Last time I voted, he and I cancelled out each other's votes as I'm sure he voted for himself, and I sure has hell voted for the other guy.
I walked in, showed my ID, took the card, inserted it into the machine, politely declined the offer to show me how to work the touch screen, and voted. I pushed the little x by the name of the people I feel will best represent me. While I refuse to use the strait party option, the smiley face of the Personal Choice party was QUITE intriguing.
I left several items blank. It was very sad to see how many county positions were running unopposed. All Republicans, no challengers. Not even a Personal Choice candidate to select. I toyed with writing myself in, but did not. I just could not vote for someone who already is a shue in. I voted against 2 judges retaining their seats, I've seen them in action and did not like what I saw. Other than the judges I did vote for, and the Utah Constitutional Amendment I voted for, I hold no illusions that the people I voted for will actually be elected. They are Democrats running in Davis County, Utah for crying out loud. Davis County has not elected a Democrat to ANYTHING for about 20 years.
Where does that leave people like me? Unrepresented, unheard, unimportant.
Today, I was important. I voted. Rather than being disillusioned and ignoring election day, because I know that the uselessness of my going and voting, I chose to make a stand. Even though no one I voted for will be elected, I put my finger on the screen and demanded to be counted.
I took Sydney with me. I talked to her about how important voting is. I want her to be a voter. It is important to me to raise a voter. She will go again with her daddy this evening. When Sydney is bigger, I will let her push the X on the screen, like my dad let me push the pen into the hole next to the name of Ronald Reagan, and George Bush. I will teach her about what I think is politically important, just as my father used that time in the canvas walls to tell me of the glories of the GOP and how Reagan will save America. My dad taught me about pushing the pen all the way in, and making sure no chads were left hanging. My dad taught me how important it is to vote from a young age, and I hope to follow his example and teach that to Sydney.
It was a bit odd using the computers. No clunk clunk of the pens pushing the chads off. No little booth with a flag as a door. No canvas walls to prevent the voter from distraction. My vote was private, it was a different experience than the last time I voted.
Have you voted? People have died for the right of American Citizens to vote. People in Iraq stood for hours to vote under the threat of violence. It is the least we can do to walk on over to the local elementary school and use our finger on the screen.
Today I excercised power. What a blessing that is.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Letter to Kerry
Faith wants to know what I think of John Kerry's comment:
"You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq."
Senator Kerry, I want my vote back. Not that I would vote for Bush, but I could vote for Nader again...
Say what you want about Bush. Say what you want about Rummy. Say what you want about the failed policies of this administration. My belief to you, Senator, please leave our troops out of this.
What a way to insult the 3,068 coalition soldiers who have died in Iraq since this began. Those numbers include 2,829 Americans, two Australians, 120 Britons, 13 Bulgarians, six Danes, two Dutch, two Estonians, one Fijian, one Hungarian, 32 Italians, one Kazakh, one Latvian, 17 Poles, two Romanians, five Salvadoran, three Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, two Thai and 18 Ukrainians in the war in Iraq as of November 3, 2006.
I am positive that there are a good many educated souls among that number. They did their homework. They studied hard. They joined the military for various reasons, and went and did their duty. They died honorably.
Frankly Mr. Kerry, I am asking for your resignation. You should no longer be a Senator of our great country. I would like for you to resign, and to renounce any military pension or honors you may have won in Vietnam. I use the term won not earned, because I do not believe you won your Purple Heart.
I don't think you were heckling the President. You know how to do that. I think you were trying to make a statement, that smart people don't end up in the military.
Yes, Mr. Kerry, Smart people do end up in the military. They choose to join. They serve with honor, do their duty, and protect our country so you can say dumb things like what you just said.
Resign. Put some real meaning behind your apology.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
News Flash
Extra, Extra, Read all about it. Wendy had a baby.
So I know that is not news to anyone else. Seems to me that I forgot it.
Elections are coming up. I have always been very politically active. I am known to walk neighborhoods, pass out fliers, sit in booths, the whole thing.
I felt bad I had done nothing, so I went and volunteered to pass out fliers. Up until now, all the campaigns I have volunteered for have been very well organized, and fairly well funded. UMMM.... These guys are running as democrats in Davis County, so really no on both counts. They gave me some fliers, to pass out to registered democrats.
So, anyone else remember that the time changed last weekend and it is now dark at 5:30. Anyone else notice it got cold? Yeah, everyone else but me.
So tonight, Halloween no less, I bundle myself and Sydney up for some flier passing out. I drive to the area, to learn the addresses on my list are in no order. I don't have a map of the streets either. I try to find where to start, while dodging trick or treaters. It's now dark and cold. No street lights either. I find the first house, and figure I'll deliver to all the homes on that block.
I get Sydney out of the car seat, grab the fliers, and head out. I deliver to ONE house before I realize how ridiculous this is, and give up. I nearly dropped the fliers and tripped. I go back to the car, load Syd up again, and come home.
So I just ignored what is clear to everyone else. I had a baby and my life has changed for the better. I just have to wait a couple of years for flier passing out, or do this when her daddy is not beyond swamped with his ROTC disaster project, so he can either help or watch her.
I was pushing myself to do too much. I wish I could pass the fliers out, but with everything going on, I can't.
Sydney was very patient through all this. Wendy just needed to learn some things change, and that she does not have to do it all.
So I know that is not news to anyone else. Seems to me that I forgot it.
Elections are coming up. I have always been very politically active. I am known to walk neighborhoods, pass out fliers, sit in booths, the whole thing.
I felt bad I had done nothing, so I went and volunteered to pass out fliers. Up until now, all the campaigns I have volunteered for have been very well organized, and fairly well funded. UMMM.... These guys are running as democrats in Davis County, so really no on both counts. They gave me some fliers, to pass out to registered democrats.
So, anyone else remember that the time changed last weekend and it is now dark at 5:30. Anyone else notice it got cold? Yeah, everyone else but me.
So tonight, Halloween no less, I bundle myself and Sydney up for some flier passing out. I drive to the area, to learn the addresses on my list are in no order. I don't have a map of the streets either. I try to find where to start, while dodging trick or treaters. It's now dark and cold. No street lights either. I find the first house, and figure I'll deliver to all the homes on that block.
I get Sydney out of the car seat, grab the fliers, and head out. I deliver to ONE house before I realize how ridiculous this is, and give up. I nearly dropped the fliers and tripped. I go back to the car, load Syd up again, and come home.
So I just ignored what is clear to everyone else. I had a baby and my life has changed for the better. I just have to wait a couple of years for flier passing out, or do this when her daddy is not beyond swamped with his ROTC disaster project, so he can either help or watch her.
I was pushing myself to do too much. I wish I could pass the fliers out, but with everything going on, I can't.
Sydney was very patient through all this. Wendy just needed to learn some things change, and that she does not have to do it all.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Thoughtful
One lady at church surprised me. She came up and said that she had just washed her hands, and could she please hold Sydney. I was so amazed that she would think to do that. Of course I let her hold Sydney. It was just so thoughtful after me wanting to start slapping hands of random people who were touching her. It was so thoughtful of her to realize that I'm likely pretty nervous having her around all those people, so to make me more comfortable and up her chances of holding Sydney, she took the step to wash her hands.
That was so kind of her.
That was so kind of her.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Buckets, NIP. and church Oh My!
Reminding readers of my disclaimer... I'm about to get rather outspoken and narrow minded, and opinionated.
Vince and I went to church today. It was nice to get out and be around others. Some things bothered me which I can't really discuss there, but I will here.
What is with all the babies in Buckets? (aka Car Seats). I've got to admit, there are times in which the bucket is nice, like when running quick errands, or when two hands are a necessary. There are also times the bucket is a NEED, like when driving in the car. Then there are times that the bucket is one more thing to carry, like at church.
I'll admit, I've been very proactive at wearing Syd. I wear her in the chest pack at the grocery store, and am seriously considering purchasing a sling or Mei Tai carrier. MIL gave me a carrier that she used, and I wear Syd on my back in it when I make dinner. I carry her when I can, because I want that attachment and bonding with her. I want her close to me, or to some other live human being, not in a bucket. Syd HATES the bucket, and screams EVERY time I strap her in, why would I want to do that over and over. I'll just leave it in the car, thank you very much. I have a nice hand warmer to put in it to keep it warm in the winter. I cover the buckles with a blanket in the summer to keep them cool/
Seriously, I was the only mom with a baby who did not have the bucket. I saw 2 strollers. What is up with that? Both of the moms with the strollers have babies under one. Why do you need a stroller at CHURCH??? I've never even used my stroller. Not kidding. I'm sure at some point it will get use, but I've always worn her. It is easier and safer for me to have her close to me. I can't walk away and leave her if she is strapped to me. When we went to Peach Days, I wore her the whole time. One of the stroller moms was telling Vince he should have me bring the stroller..... I could not help roll my eyes. I just think that babies should be held, and church is a great place to do that. It is so nice to hold a sleeping baby, and someone is always wanting to hold a cute baby if you want a break as a mom.
There is another mom in the ward, a mom whom I visiting teach. Let me say, I don't agree with how she parents. She weaned at 6 weeks because she wanted him to sleep through the night. Her baby boy is about 3 months old. He sleeps all by himself in the living room because he was waking up their other son. When we left from visiting, she left him crying on the couch. When we drove away, she was outside with her husband and older child. I feel so bad for that baby inside crying. This mom barely ever hold her own baby at church, someone else is always holding him and feeding him formula.
It's just weird to me. I NIP (nurse in public) all the time. I NIP whenever Syd wants to eat. Frankly, I'd rather not miss what is going on. I've practiced and feel I'm rather modest when doing this. When I was changing Syd's diaper, another mom came into the mother's room to nurse. She turned her chair all the way around so she was facing the corner and then put a blanket on. Another mother left sacrament meeting, came back 20 minutes later, and I'm guessing she was nursing. I usually don't use a blanket when NIP, but during the hymn Syd was rather distracted, so I used a blanket folded up as a bit of a shield, as she kept popping on and off. I feel the blanket thrown over the shoulder screams "I'm Nursing" and implies there is something to hide.
Nursing is not something to hide. There is no shame with NIP. Nursing should be celebrated, promoted, championed. I'll NIP as my own little demonstration that nursing is best. I NIP because I need to feed my baby. I can NIP and eat a meal, grocery shop, attend church, watch a movie, etc. Basically NIP lets me have a life outside of the home.
My mom told me I could nurse in Relief Society, but not in Sacrament Meeting. When I went to church with her, Syd wanted to nurse during Sacrament. She told me to go to the mother's room. I did. In that church as in mine, it is an alcove off of the bathroom. YUCK. I nursed there while people toileted and flushed and vowed I would never do that again. I told her so as well. She talked about being discrete and thinking of others. I said I am discrete, and that the one I should think the most of is my baby. If others have a problem, they can leave or look away. I might step out into the hall if Syd is being distracted, but otherwise I'll nurse where ever I dang well choose. I nursed at the Jazz game last week, BTW. Utah law states....
I just wish more people would hold their babies and not haul the buckets everywhere they go. It has been hard breaking Vince of this, because that is what everyone else does. I told him he can haul the bucket, I'll carry the baby.
Vince and I went to church today. It was nice to get out and be around others. Some things bothered me which I can't really discuss there, but I will here.
What is with all the babies in Buckets? (aka Car Seats). I've got to admit, there are times in which the bucket is nice, like when running quick errands, or when two hands are a necessary. There are also times the bucket is a NEED, like when driving in the car. Then there are times that the bucket is one more thing to carry, like at church.
I'll admit, I've been very proactive at wearing Syd. I wear her in the chest pack at the grocery store, and am seriously considering purchasing a sling or Mei Tai carrier. MIL gave me a carrier that she used, and I wear Syd on my back in it when I make dinner. I carry her when I can, because I want that attachment and bonding with her. I want her close to me, or to some other live human being, not in a bucket. Syd HATES the bucket, and screams EVERY time I strap her in, why would I want to do that over and over. I'll just leave it in the car, thank you very much. I have a nice hand warmer to put in it to keep it warm in the winter. I cover the buckles with a blanket in the summer to keep them cool/
Seriously, I was the only mom with a baby who did not have the bucket. I saw 2 strollers. What is up with that? Both of the moms with the strollers have babies under one. Why do you need a stroller at CHURCH??? I've never even used my stroller. Not kidding. I'm sure at some point it will get use, but I've always worn her. It is easier and safer for me to have her close to me. I can't walk away and leave her if she is strapped to me. When we went to Peach Days, I wore her the whole time. One of the stroller moms was telling Vince he should have me bring the stroller..... I could not help roll my eyes. I just think that babies should be held, and church is a great place to do that. It is so nice to hold a sleeping baby, and someone is always wanting to hold a cute baby if you want a break as a mom.
There is another mom in the ward, a mom whom I visiting teach. Let me say, I don't agree with how she parents. She weaned at 6 weeks because she wanted him to sleep through the night. Her baby boy is about 3 months old. He sleeps all by himself in the living room because he was waking up their other son. When we left from visiting, she left him crying on the couch. When we drove away, she was outside with her husband and older child. I feel so bad for that baby inside crying. This mom barely ever hold her own baby at church, someone else is always holding him and feeding him formula.
It's just weird to me. I NIP (nurse in public) all the time. I NIP whenever Syd wants to eat. Frankly, I'd rather not miss what is going on. I've practiced and feel I'm rather modest when doing this. When I was changing Syd's diaper, another mom came into the mother's room to nurse. She turned her chair all the way around so she was facing the corner and then put a blanket on. Another mother left sacrament meeting, came back 20 minutes later, and I'm guessing she was nursing. I usually don't use a blanket when NIP, but during the hymn Syd was rather distracted, so I used a blanket folded up as a bit of a shield, as she kept popping on and off. I feel the blanket thrown over the shoulder screams "I'm Nursing" and implies there is something to hide.
Nursing is not something to hide. There is no shame with NIP. Nursing should be celebrated, promoted, championed. I'll NIP as my own little demonstration that nursing is best. I NIP because I need to feed my baby. I can NIP and eat a meal, grocery shop, attend church, watch a movie, etc. Basically NIP lets me have a life outside of the home.
My mom told me I could nurse in Relief Society, but not in Sacrament Meeting. When I went to church with her, Syd wanted to nurse during Sacrament. She told me to go to the mother's room. I did. In that church as in mine, it is an alcove off of the bathroom. YUCK. I nursed there while people toileted and flushed and vowed I would never do that again. I told her so as well. She talked about being discrete and thinking of others. I said I am discrete, and that the one I should think the most of is my baby. If others have a problem, they can leave or look away. I might step out into the hall if Syd is being distracted, but otherwise I'll nurse where ever I dang well choose. I nursed at the Jazz game last week, BTW. Utah law states....
76-10-1229.5. Breast Feeding is not Violation of this Part.A woman's breast feeding, including breast feeding in any location where the woman otherwise may rightfully be, does not under any circumstance constitute a violation of this part, irrespective of whether or not the breast is covered during or incidental to feeding.Oh, and the lesson was on food storage.... no mention of extra supplies for a nursing mom, oh no, but talk on formula and water for that. GRRRRR
I just wish more people would hold their babies and not haul the buckets everywhere they go. It has been hard breaking Vince of this, because that is what everyone else does. I told him he can haul the bucket, I'll carry the baby.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Career choice....
| Your Career Personality: Detail-Oriented, Observant, and Hard-Working |
 Designer Family counselor Independent store owner Interior decorator Museum curator Nurse Preschool teachers Social worker Stay at home parentTeacher |
Monday, October 23, 2006
Response from Weight Watchers
So they responded. Still now WOW evening meeting, but at least they read my letter and are thinking about it. From Faith's suggestion, any readers in the Utah or Idaho area who wants to have an evening WOW meeting, please let me know, and I'll send you their emails so you can write a letter too. She liked my letter!!!! See I can write a powerful letter.
Begin letter....
Hi Wendy! My name is Gina T. (snip), the Executive Director of Weight Watchers of SLC, Inc. I have to say, I loved your e-mail. I don't often get many e-mails with so much time, effort, and research put into them. Thank you! All of your points are so very valid and definitely ones we keep in mind as we look at our demographics and geographical locations, and make decisions based on such.
Currently, our WOW meetings are still in their infancy stage. In fact, these came about due to the consistent feedback we received from stay at home moms. So, we're working on accomplishing our first goal of getting a WOW meeting into each market area. So far so good with the daytime WOW meetings, they really seem to be meeting the need. Granted, there will never be a perfect day and time for everyone and we knew that going into it. In fact, even if we venture into making a night meeting into a WOW, it would still be hit or miss based on members' work schedules and kids' activity schedules. We get so many different requests for times and days that it is hard to make it great for everyone. We take a big risk opening up new meetings, specifically population specific meetings. We've always run the business with the idea that we'd hate to give something only to have to take it away due to minimal success. However, this doesn't mean that we won't continue to monitor the need. Your feedback is most helpful and will be used in future discussions about just this subject.
The fact of the matter is Wendy, the requests for WOW meetings dropped substantially when we introduced the daytime WOW meetings, so we had some evidence that they were filling a need. Though, as you mentioned, not everybody's needs. I wish there was a way to take care of everybody's needs, but unfortunately, it just isn't possible, especially when the majority of our members have been so clear in communicating that they appreciate meetings without children so that focus can be on the members vs. the many distractions we find in the WOW meetings. I'm so sorry our lack of choices doesn't allow you to attend with your husband, especially because having a friend or family member really promotes increased success with the program. I hope that you will still consider attending separately in order to get the value of the meeting experience which you clearly understand is a large factor in overall weight loss success.
Would you please contact me personally if you would like to speak in greater length about our decision making process? I can be contacted at (removed)if desired.
Again, I thank you so much for time and energy into stating your desires and concerns. Truly, I appreciate you providing us with this information for use in future discussions about new meetings.
My best,
Gina T.
Begin letter....
Hi Wendy! My name is Gina T. (snip)
Currently, our WOW meetings are still in their infancy stage. In fact, these came about due to the consistent feedback we received from stay at home moms. So, we're working on accomplishing our first goal of getting a WOW meeting into each market area. So far so good with the daytime WOW meetings, they really seem to be meeting the need. Granted, there will never be a perfect day and time for everyone and we knew that going into it. In fact, even if we venture into making a night meeting into a WOW, it would still be hit or miss based on members' work schedules and kids' activity schedules. We get so many different requests for times and days that it is hard to make it great for everyone. We take a big risk opening up new meetings, specifically population specific meetings. We've always run the business with the idea that we'd hate to give something only to have to take it away due to minimal success. However, this doesn't mean that we won't continue to monitor the need. Your feedback is most helpful and will be used in future discussions about just this subject.
The fact of the matter is Wendy, the requests for WOW meetings dropped substantially when we introduced the daytime WOW meetings, so we had some evidence that they were filling a need. Though, as you mentioned, not everybody's needs. I wish there was a way to take care of everybody's needs, but unfortunately, it just isn't possible, especially when the majority of our members have been so clear in communicating that they appreciate meetings without children so that focus can be on the members vs. the many distractions we find in the WOW meetings. I'm so sorry our lack of choices doesn't allow you to attend with your husband, especially because having a friend or family member really promotes increased success with the program. I hope that you will still consider attending separately in order to get the value of the meeting experience which you clearly understand is a large factor in overall weight loss success.
Would you please contact me personally if you would like to speak in greater length about our decision making process? I can be contacted at (removed)
Again, I thank you so much for time and energy into stating your desires and concerns. Truly, I appreciate you providing us with this information for use in future discussions about new meetings.
My best,
Gina T.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Wendy meets Sydney
Here is the video of when I met Sydney. I'm basically high from all the drugs. I fibbed about how ready I was to get up out of bed, because I thought the nurse would just let me get right into the chair. Instead she made me walk across the large room to the bathroom, which was pointless because I had a cathedar in and Dr. Calm cleaned me out rather well.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Letter to Weight Watchers
So, since I'm never one to just take no for an answer, at least not the first time I'm told no... I wrote a letter to Weight Watchers. Here it is.
Please forgive the traditional "spin" on the letter. I could not figure out how to include co-habitating/ GLBT and all the other types of families out there into my letter. Also, from my experience with WW, they are a fairly conservitive bunch, and I was trying to plead my case to that audience.
Dear Weight Watchers:
I am writing to request that you consider having an evening or weekend “Wee Ones Welcome (WOW)” meeting at each of your locations, especially the Layton office.
Please allow me to provide you with some background information supporting my request:
According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm) the following information is current to the year 2005:
Working families:
Husband only working: 20.2%
Wife only working: 6.5%
Both Husband and Wife working: 51.3%
Working mothers (Percentages are out of all mothers):
Percent of mothers in the workforce: 70.5%
Married mothers in the workforce: 68.2%
Single mothers in the workforce: 76.1%
Mothers with children less than a year old in the workforce: 53.8%
Charts are available at the above link which provides greater detail to this information.
As you can see from the above referenced information, most mothers are in the workforce. Most mothers of children under one are in the workforce. Most families also have both parents working. More than 75% of single mothers work. However, your only meeting which allows parents to bring their children with them is during the day, at a time at which most people who work are at work. The current WOW meeting accommodates the minority of parents with children, while leaving the majority of parents without a time which is convenient to them. Most parents do not have the ability to leave work to attend a Weight Watchers meeting during the week, leaving them to attend a night or weekend meeting. This means that parents must chose between attending the meeting and spending time with their children. If they are to attend a meeting, they must arrange substitute care for their children. While this may work for married parents in which only one spouse is participating in Weight Watchers, this does not work for either married couples in which both spouses are over weight and wish to participate or single parents.
You may be asking why not have the parents attend different meetings, with the other at home with the baby? 1) This suggestion does not work for single parents. 2) From my past experience with Weight Watchers, the average meeting lasts approximately an hour and a half, from weigh in time to meeting completion, with travel time added to this. It then becomes very likely that a family could be apart for an additional 4 hours each week. If the parents want to attend together, they must arrange care, with the time and expense related to that, or using the good will of family and friends. There is also a large hassle factor in this, and it basically is much easier to stay home and not have to deal with finding child care, coordinating who will attend and who will be home with the child, etc.
As you already know, people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose more weight than people who attempt to lose weight on their own. It would make sense that in a family where a weight loss plan is under way, that a couple would do better if they could attend the sessions together, so they can discuss what they learned as a family.
I can completely understand why most of your meetings are adults only. As I see it, adding an evening or weekend WOW class would add to the market base which Weight Watchers has. This would allow more single and two parent families to participate in your program. This would benefit the participants as they would have the support and guidance from your company, and would benefit your company, as a new member base which is currently underutilized would be available.
In our situation, I was a member over a year ago. I lost 30 pounds, then stopped attending, mostly because the family members I had been attending with stopped going. I then got pregnant, had a baby, and now need to lose baby weight. When I was an active participant in the program, my husband also lost weight, but frankly, I lost more than he did, and was more committed, likely because I had the support of the weekly meetings. We now both want to attend Weight Watchers, and lose the weight we have gained. With our young daughter, unless there is an evening or weekend WOW, we will not be able to attend, and will be forced to decide which one of us can attend when, rather than being able to make this a joint experience.
Earlier this week, I called your 1-800 number asking why there was not a WOW meeting in the evening. The woman stated that usually the baby stays home with the husband. That statement assumes several things, including that there is a husband, and that the husband does not want to participate lose weight. Thank you for considering my request. I would appreciate hearing from you at your earliest convenience. I would appreciate it if my letter is forwarded to the franchise owner. Please feel free to contact me via phone, email, or mail.
Sincerely,
Wendy J. LastName
My attempt to up my placement on google for this post: Weight Watchers, Salt Lake City, Utah, UT, mother, weight loss, Weight Watcher international.
Please forgive the traditional "spin" on the letter. I could not figure out how to include co-habitating/ GLBT and all the other types of families out there into my letter. Also, from my experience with WW, they are a fairly conservitive bunch, and I was trying to plead my case to that audience.
Dear Weight Watchers:
I am writing to request that you consider having an evening or weekend “Wee Ones Welcome (WOW)” meeting at each of your locations, especially the Layton office.
Please allow me to provide you with some background information supporting my request:
According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics (http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm) the following information is current to the year 2005:
Working families:
Husband only working: 20.2%
Wife only working: 6.5%
Both Husband and Wife working: 51.3%
Working mothers (Percentages are out of all mothers):
Percent of mothers in the workforce: 70.5%
Married mothers in the workforce: 68.2%
Single mothers in the workforce: 76.1%
Mothers with children less than a year old in the workforce: 53.8%
Charts are available at the above link which provides greater detail to this information.
As you can see from the above referenced information, most mothers are in the workforce. Most mothers of children under one are in the workforce. Most families also have both parents working. More than 75% of single mothers work. However, your only meeting which allows parents to bring their children with them is during the day, at a time at which most people who work are at work. The current WOW meeting accommodates the minority of parents with children, while leaving the majority of parents without a time which is convenient to them. Most parents do not have the ability to leave work to attend a Weight Watchers meeting during the week, leaving them to attend a night or weekend meeting. This means that parents must chose between attending the meeting and spending time with their children. If they are to attend a meeting, they must arrange substitute care for their children. While this may work for married parents in which only one spouse is participating in Weight Watchers, this does not work for either married couples in which both spouses are over weight and wish to participate or single parents.
You may be asking why not have the parents attend different meetings, with the other at home with the baby? 1) This suggestion does not work for single parents. 2) From my past experience with Weight Watchers, the average meeting lasts approximately an hour and a half, from weigh in time to meeting completion, with travel time added to this. It then becomes very likely that a family could be apart for an additional 4 hours each week. If the parents want to attend together, they must arrange care, with the time and expense related to that, or using the good will of family and friends. There is also a large hassle factor in this, and it basically is much easier to stay home and not have to deal with finding child care, coordinating who will attend and who will be home with the child, etc.
As you already know, people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose more weight than people who attempt to lose weight on their own. It would make sense that in a family where a weight loss plan is under way, that a couple would do better if they could attend the sessions together, so they can discuss what they learned as a family.
I can completely understand why most of your meetings are adults only. As I see it, adding an evening or weekend WOW class would add to the market base which Weight Watchers has. This would allow more single and two parent families to participate in your program. This would benefit the participants as they would have the support and guidance from your company, and would benefit your company, as a new member base which is currently underutilized would be available.
In our situation, I was a member over a year ago. I lost 30 pounds, then stopped attending, mostly because the family members I had been attending with stopped going. I then got pregnant, had a baby, and now need to lose baby weight. When I was an active participant in the program, my husband also lost weight, but frankly, I lost more than he did, and was more committed, likely because I had the support of the weekly meetings. We now both want to attend Weight Watchers, and lose the weight we have gained. With our young daughter, unless there is an evening or weekend WOW, we will not be able to attend, and will be forced to decide which one of us can attend when, rather than being able to make this a joint experience.
Earlier this week, I called your 1-800 number asking why there was not a WOW meeting in the evening. The woman stated that usually the baby stays home with the husband. That statement assumes several things, including that there is a husband, and that the husband does not want to participate lose weight. Thank you for considering my request. I would appreciate hearing from you at your earliest convenience. I would appreciate it if my letter is forwarded to the franchise owner. Please feel free to contact me via phone, email, or mail.
Sincerely,
Wendy J. LastName
My attempt to up my placement on google for this post: Weight Watchers, Salt Lake City, Utah, UT, mother, weight loss, Weight Watcher international.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Birthday Pondering
Today I am 29.
What a year 28 was.
One year ago today, I had a very strong suspicion I was pregnant. I was quite in denial about it, as I had so dearly wanted to be pregnant. My breasts were very sore and tender, and I just had this feeling.
One year ago today, I had no idea what this year would bring. I did not know I was going to have a wonderful daughter. I did not know that such joy and such pain could be combined into the same thing. I had no idea the strength I would need, nor the strength I would find. I had no idea I would have a high risk pregnancy, bed rest, c/s, NICU stay. Seriously, I had always imagined that my first daughter would be named Kathryn. I just love that name. And I have a baby girl named Sydney, whom I love. Sydney fits her so much better than Kathryn does. (Maybe my next daughter, if I do decided to wade into the pregnancy pool, will be Kathryn.) I had not imagined I would not have a natural birth, and have the baby placed directly on my belly. Instead, I had a scheduled c/s, with her immediately gone. I saw her hours later. I then went 3 days of torture without her. This gave me a small perspective on how hard it is for Vince to leave us to go to military. It was never that hard for him to go before, he would miss me, but he knew I was going to rent movies I want to see, go out with friends, craft, go shopping, basically take proper care of my self. Now when he leaves, he leaves behind someone who changes. The biggest change I ever made while he was gone was I lost 8 pounds. Sydney spent half her life while he was gone. She rolled over for the first time. Milestones happen when he is gone now. She will grow and change while he is gone.
One year ago, I had no plans to leave DCFS; and here I sit at DSPD. This has been a huge change for me, and a very positive one. I'm still in shock that something which has been such a defining factor of my life is gone now.
One year ago, I was a different person. I sit here a year old, and more than a year wiser. I matured more than one year in the past year, I feel like I have aged 7 years in the last year.
One year ago, I felt ignored by the Lord. Now I again know, what I really have always known, that He hears me and answers my prayers. I thought I had learned to accept His plan through the infertility trials. I've learned that it is another level of accepting His plan completely when it comes to your children. I still wonder and am troubled by what Sydney had to learn by her rough entry into this world. I also wonder what Vince and I had to learn from her tough start.
Some of you have been reading my blog for this entire time. Some of you are newer. Some of you I've never met, some are old friends. I want to thank you all for reading my posts. You are privy to some of the most intimate details of my life, for here I post what I feel I cannot say in real life. I process what is going on with me here. Here I share my thought, fears, and dreams. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
What a year 28 was.
One year ago today, I had a very strong suspicion I was pregnant. I was quite in denial about it, as I had so dearly wanted to be pregnant. My breasts were very sore and tender, and I just had this feeling.
One year ago today, I had no idea what this year would bring. I did not know I was going to have a wonderful daughter. I did not know that such joy and such pain could be combined into the same thing. I had no idea the strength I would need, nor the strength I would find. I had no idea I would have a high risk pregnancy, bed rest, c/s, NICU stay. Seriously, I had always imagined that my first daughter would be named Kathryn. I just love that name. And I have a baby girl named Sydney, whom I love. Sydney fits her so much better than Kathryn does. (Maybe my next daughter, if I do decided to wade into the pregnancy pool, will be Kathryn.) I had not imagined I would not have a natural birth, and have the baby placed directly on my belly. Instead, I had a scheduled c/s, with her immediately gone. I saw her hours later. I then went 3 days of torture without her. This gave me a small perspective on how hard it is for Vince to leave us to go to military. It was never that hard for him to go before, he would miss me, but he knew I was going to rent movies I want to see, go out with friends, craft, go shopping, basically take proper care of my self. Now when he leaves, he leaves behind someone who changes. The biggest change I ever made while he was gone was I lost 8 pounds. Sydney spent half her life while he was gone. She rolled over for the first time. Milestones happen when he is gone now. She will grow and change while he is gone.
One year ago, I had no plans to leave DCFS; and here I sit at DSPD. This has been a huge change for me, and a very positive one. I'm still in shock that something which has been such a defining factor of my life is gone now.
One year ago, I was a different person. I sit here a year old, and more than a year wiser. I matured more than one year in the past year, I feel like I have aged 7 years in the last year.
One year ago, I felt ignored by the Lord. Now I again know, what I really have always known, that He hears me and answers my prayers. I thought I had learned to accept His plan through the infertility trials. I've learned that it is another level of accepting His plan completely when it comes to your children. I still wonder and am troubled by what Sydney had to learn by her rough entry into this world. I also wonder what Vince and I had to learn from her tough start.
Some of you have been reading my blog for this entire time. Some of you are newer. Some of you I've never met, some are old friends. I want to thank you all for reading my posts. You are privy to some of the most intimate details of my life, for here I post what I feel I cannot say in real life. I process what is going on with me here. Here I share my thought, fears, and dreams. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Weight Watchers – not family friendly
So Vince and I are overweight. Dr. Calm mentioned that I should consider losing more weight before I TTC again…. Dr. Big Shot wanted my weight around 150, I am not there. I am 30 pounds lighter than my heaviest, but from the weight today, I actually have gained 2 pounds since I HAD the baby. I still have a net loss from the pregnancy, but to have gained weight after the baby…. Vince also says his jeans are tight, and needs to lose some weight for military purposes. I’m emotionally ready to lose more weight, and I do need the support and monitoring of a formal program.
Well, we want to go to the same Weight Watchers meeting. Here they have one “Wee Ones Welcome(WOW)” meeting a week, Monday morning. Nothing the rest of the week. I called the 1-800 number and asked about having a “WOW” meeting in the evening. I explained that DH and I want to attend together, and don’t really want She said they really only have the one meeting, for mom’s who don’t work.
GRRR…. Tangent here: WHY does everything here revolve around people who don’t work? This exists in so much craft classes, reading groups at church, so many things I want to do, but can’t because they are forgetting that most women go to work.
I asked her why no evening “WOW” meeting. She said that usually the baby stays home with the husband. I said that we both work during the day, and we do our best to be together in the evenings and weekends. I’m not happy that I have to either: flex my schedule to go to a daytime meeting, or swap the baby with Vince, or arrange day care. Either way, unless Sydney is with someone else, no Weight Watcher meetings together for us.
My brother has gotten VERY sensitive about us asking them to watch Sydney for a shot time. He went off on the IM to me. What would have worked is to drop her off for an hour and a half, go to the meeting, but there is no way I’m asking him. His wife would help, but I’m not dealing with my brother at all about this. He was really nasty and vindictive on the IM, and I’m not giving him any ammunition. I’ll just steer clear.
So, I’ll figure something out, but it won’t be what I want.
Well, we want to go to the same Weight Watchers meeting. Here they have one “Wee Ones Welcome(WOW)” meeting a week, Monday morning. Nothing the rest of the week. I called the 1-800 number and asked about having a “WOW” meeting in the evening. I explained that DH and I want to attend together, and don’t really want She said they really only have the one meeting, for mom’s who don’t work.
GRRR…. Tangent here: WHY does everything here revolve around people who don’t work? This exists in so much craft classes, reading groups at church, so many things I want to do, but can’t because they are forgetting that most women go to work.
I asked her why no evening “WOW” meeting. She said that usually the baby stays home with the husband. I said that we both work during the day, and we do our best to be together in the evenings and weekends. I’m not happy that I have to either: flex my schedule to go to a daytime meeting, or swap the baby with Vince, or arrange day care. Either way, unless Sydney is with someone else, no Weight Watcher meetings together for us.
My brother has gotten VERY sensitive about us asking them to watch Sydney for a shot time. He went off on the IM to me. What would have worked is to drop her off for an hour and a half, go to the meeting, but there is no way I’m asking him. His wife would help, but I’m not dealing with my brother at all about this. He was really nasty and vindictive on the IM, and I’m not giving him any ammunition. I’ll just steer clear.
So, I’ll figure something out, but it won’t be what I want.
TMI, deep thought, an update, and some ranting all in one post!!
So, here I am. I have several random thoughts to post, so I'll order them. Felt the need to play with color....
- New Job Love it!!! The new job is very laid back. I have to be a go-getter to get any training attention. The laid back style is a refreshing and relaxing change. Problem is, I am lonely. People here are pretty solitary, meaning, I'm the only one with my door open any time. I also feel like the feeling your car makes when you mean to put the manual transmission into 5th gear, but accidentally go into 3rd or even 1st. You know, that jearking lurching, throw you against the stearing wheel feeling? Things are so much slower and low pressure here, it is odd after 4 years of constant pressure.
- Had my annual OB exam today. VERY weird being there for an exam, not pregnant. Took the baby with me. She decided to scream just before Dr. Calm came in to do a pelvic, so I nursed during the pelvic. She and I talked birth control types. I'm on a progesterone only pill. I spot a lot and hate it. Thing is, the RE I saw in SLC told me that if I was not TTC, I need to be on a hormonal BC method. I'm thinking about getting Mirena inserted. She did say that I could go back to my regular pill in a couple of months. Thing is, simply put, and I told her this, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. She said her advice is to have a least 2 years between pregnancies, based on how hard the last one was. I need the time to mentally and physically heal. I need to not have to manage this every day. It is odd for me who has been though infertility to be saying this, but I do not want to get pregnant right now. I want to enjoy Sydney and Vince. I want to emotionally process what I have been through and deal with the emotions I have not dealt with. I want to "be" ready, not just accidentally get pregnant. Since I lost the weight and had surgery, my body has shown itself to be very fertile, by getting pregnant the first cycle off the pill. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think I'm making a big deal, but then I realize this is a big deal for me. She gave me some literature, and I'll think it over. One of my complaints about the pill I'm on right now is the nearly constant spotting, which she said is pretty standard with Mirena for 6 months.
- OUT with the VBAC patrol. So yesterday, a couple of ladies from chuch came over. One, once she learned I had a c/s wanted to know if the doctor had "meshed" (whatever that means) or double sewed my uterine incision. Well, I partly played dumb. I've read my surgical report, it does not mention a second row of sutures, so I'm betting money I did not have them. Then she wants to know what type of uterine incision I had, and I know exactly where this is going... Yes I had a horizontal incision, and no, I don't want to VBAC. I did not want to discuss the deep emotional and physical reason's I don't want to labor, but too posh to push is not that reason. She kind of implied that was me, when I pointed out that Sydney's birth was c/s to take the risk off of her and onto me, and that I was fine with my c/s. I did not want to point out how terrifying my last pregnancy was, and how reassuring being in competant medical hands was. I also did not want to go in depth into my gynelogical history, that I've already had two uterine incisions, a deformed uterus, which was blessed to carry life, and that I am simply to scared to VBAC. I feel the risk to too great, so I have already discussed this with Dr. Calm, and she said she would prefer a c/s but would support a VBAC attempt as long as her insurance allows it. Simply put, any future children will be born by c/s and I am fine with this. Everyone can make their own choices, and this is mine. So I want the VBAC police to keep their judgements off my body. They don't have to deal with the emotional and physical consequences, I do. I know that a failed VBAC would crush me, and I would rather avoid that all together. Bascially, I'll have a nice scheduled C/S, thank you very much. Oh, she wants me to use some "slippery oak" for Sydney's nose cold, and mix it with formula. I pointed out that Sydney is breast fed. Thanks, but I'll skip the weird stuff right now.
- Life is not meant to be happy and easy. It is a challenge and a grind. We are here to be tested. We are having a hard time at our home right now. Vince's car is broken, needs major brake work done, money is tight. We are on the one car fleet again, and it is so hard to get worked out. He is really struggling with school and ROTC. I got off the pressure wheel, and he got on. He is having a really hard time getting things done. I'm not helping to lessen the pressure, because I want him to get some sleep and spend some time with us. He is having a hard time with his classes. I wish I could just do the work for him, but that would not help him.
- Krista is one of those people on the internet who you never meet, but changes your life for good. Krista has brain cancer, and had been re-occurance free for 10 months. She has beaten the odds by where she is today. At her last MRI, there was increased growth, and she has to change drugs and hope the new, nastier ones work. I read this today, and it made me so sad. Krista has done made so many positive improvements in so many lives, mine included. I had so prayed that the cancer would disappear, that this trial would be done for her. It just made me sad to read this news. HUGS Krista.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Flood o' Fun
1) Yesterday, my kitchen flooded because of a malfunction in the water heater. Landlord unreachable problem not solved. Problem still exists.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Forgiveness
for‧give‧ness [fer-giv-nis] –noun
nɪs| 1. | act of forgiving; state of being forgiven. |
| 2. | disposition or willingness to forgive. |
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Rambling C/S post
I posted this on mothering.com, a bb I frequently hang out at.....
I just made the mistake of wandering into birth and beyond and into home birthing. It was this thread which prompted these emotions. I wanna go into labor. I wanna push. I don't want to be judged because my baby was born through my abdomen, not my vagina. I had a medically necessary c/s and I still feel that I am, at least emotionally, defending this. I know that had I not had a c/s DD would not have been alive. Had I done UP (no prenatal care), there is no chance in hell DD would be alive. I would never do UP, and would likely never do a home birth, but those choices are gone from me forever. There is no way I could in good concience have a "low tech" pregnancy. I will likely be high risk as the growth problems can happen at any time in the pregnancy. I would be terrified that without regular u/s we would miss IUGR in my next pregnancy.
I guess I'm sad for what will not be. Hopefully, my next pregnancy will be easy, followed by a ERCS (elective repeat c-section) - at least on paper. I know that due to uterine malformations, two uterine surgeries, etc, I am at a high risk for rupture, and do not feel the need to "prove" anything, not when I knowingly risk my daughter being without a mother. My next c/s will and won't be elective, due to the risks, but I feel I will have to defend this even more, than I feel I need to defend my first c/s.
Another poster on another board said that having a c/s you miss the best part of having a baby - the having of the baby. Am I less of a momma because I never felt a contraction? Or does the 2 months spent on bed rest compensate for that? How about the 48 days in the NICU, being told when and how I can hold DD, how I can mother her? Am I less of a momma because I won't push out baby number 2? If I have a baby number 2? I DESPARATELY want another baby, but am terrified of going through this again.
And what IF I chose a primary c/s? Does that make me a bad person?, a bad mommy? I would say no, it does not. I don't think I am less a mommy because I did not labor. I feel I am her mommy. I was her mommy since before she was concieved, and by my religious beliefs, I will be her mommy for eternity. By the same token, my Bro and SIL are hoping to adopt, and I firmly believe that she will be a mommy just the same as I, even though she did not get pregnant at all.
Honestly, I don't have c/s issues like so many others do. My c/s was not forced on me, it was an educated decision made with the guidance of a OB whom I trust. I trusted her with mine and DD's lives, and she cared for us and helped me bring my baby to life in the only way possible, by c/s. I do not feel I was birth abused, frankly the abuse occured in the NICU, mostly by a fellow social worker. I feel how I was treated by her is part of why I am getting out of child welfare. (The fact I hate my supervisor helps that one too.) I will miss child welfare. I will miss the children. I just don't want to be as involved a social worker as before, as I'm terrified that I'll repeat what the bitchy social worker did to me.
I too want what is best for my next bean, and I did what was best for this bean, the bean currently currled up on my bed. Maybe this is my white flag in the mommy wars. Maybe I'm asserting that my birth is just as valid as anyone elses. Life came from my womb, a life for which we were terrified would never come because of infertility. You can be a mommy without giving birth, as through adoption. So am I, other women who did not birth vaginally, and mommy's by adoption lesser mommies? No. I'm not attacking any one else's position I'm just stating mine. I wanted to vaginally birth. My body was not made to do that. My uterus is deformed, and I am blessed it was able to contain my baby long enough to give life.
That's all I have to say now. Thanks for reading.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peppermint
I have a couple of questions that are c-section related.I wish I could ask all of these questions on the regular forums, but I can't spend a ton of time defending my c-sections, BTDT here quite a few times.I feel like because I am *choosing* a repeat c-section, I don't get to make choices for the baby that are "natural". I just want what is best for the little Bean....
I just made the mistake of wandering into birth and beyond and into home birthing. It was this thread which prompted these emotions. I wanna go into labor. I wanna push. I don't want to be judged because my baby was born through my abdomen, not my vagina. I had a medically necessary c/s and I still feel that I am, at least emotionally, defending this. I know that had I not had a c/s DD would not have been alive. Had I done UP (no prenatal care), there is no chance in hell DD would be alive. I would never do UP, and would likely never do a home birth, but those choices are gone from me forever. There is no way I could in good concience have a "low tech" pregnancy. I will likely be high risk as the growth problems can happen at any time in the pregnancy. I would be terrified that without regular u/s we would miss IUGR in my next pregnancy.
I guess I'm sad for what will not be. Hopefully, my next pregnancy will be easy, followed by a ERCS (elective repeat c-section) - at least on paper. I know that due to uterine malformations, two uterine surgeries, etc, I am at a high risk for rupture, and do not feel the need to "prove" anything, not when I knowingly risk my daughter being without a mother. My next c/s will and won't be elective, due to the risks, but I feel I will have to defend this even more, than I feel I need to defend my first c/s.
Another poster on another board said that having a c/s you miss the best part of having a baby - the having of the baby. Am I less of a momma because I never felt a contraction? Or does the 2 months spent on bed rest compensate for that? How about the 48 days in the NICU, being told when and how I can hold DD, how I can mother her? Am I less of a momma because I won't push out baby number 2? If I have a baby number 2? I DESPARATELY want another baby, but am terrified of going through this again.
And what IF I chose a primary c/s? Does that make me a bad person?, a bad mommy? I would say no, it does not. I don't think I am less a mommy because I did not labor. I feel I am her mommy. I was her mommy since before she was concieved, and by my religious beliefs, I will be her mommy for eternity. By the same token, my Bro and SIL are hoping to adopt, and I firmly believe that she will be a mommy just the same as I, even though she did not get pregnant at all.
Honestly, I don't have c/s issues like so many others do. My c/s was not forced on me, it was an educated decision made with the guidance of a OB whom I trust. I trusted her with mine and DD's lives, and she cared for us and helped me bring my baby to life in the only way possible, by c/s. I do not feel I was birth abused, frankly the abuse occured in the NICU, mostly by a fellow social worker. I feel how I was treated by her is part of why I am getting out of child welfare. (The fact I hate my supervisor helps that one too.) I will miss child welfare. I will miss the children. I just don't want to be as involved a social worker as before, as I'm terrified that I'll repeat what the bitchy social worker did to me.
I too want what is best for my next bean, and I did what was best for this bean, the bean currently currled up on my bed. Maybe this is my white flag in the mommy wars. Maybe I'm asserting that my birth is just as valid as anyone elses. Life came from my womb, a life for which we were terrified would never come because of infertility. You can be a mommy without giving birth, as through adoption. So am I, other women who did not birth vaginally, and mommy's by adoption lesser mommies? No. I'm not attacking any one else's position I'm just stating mine. I wanted to vaginally birth. My body was not made to do that. My uterus is deformed, and I am blessed it was able to contain my baby long enough to give life.
That's all I have to say now. Thanks for reading.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Commitment
So I have some big posts brewing, but right now I need to make some public commitments to myself. See I have senioritis something fierce at my old job, and have so much to do, because I've procrastinated like usual.
So here are my commitments for tomorrow, Tuesday:
So here are my commitments for tomorrow, Tuesday:
- I will not visit any of the following URLs at work: Blogger.com, Mothering.com, Hotmail.com, Ebay.com, SLtrib.com, Desnews.com, ksl.com, kutv.com, livejournal.com, youtube.com, msn.com, msnbc.com (I am confessing my dorking around web sites.)
- I will arrive at work by 8:00, meaning I drop Sydney off at 7:45, meaning I get up at 6:30.
- I will eat breakfast.
- I will complete all three court reports by 9:30.
- I will dictate logs for 15 minutes each hour.
- I will complete all over due service plans.
- I will complete 4 assessments.
- I will take a 45 minute lunch.
- I will work until 5:20
- I will organize 50% of my desk.
- I will not look for people on the IM to goof off with, and will not roam the halls to do the same.
Punishment: If I do not do this, I will not be able to watch dancing with the stars Tuesday night. This is a harsh punishment for me.
Reward: If I have completed the court reports by 9:30, I will allow myself to go vote on the wedding on the today show. I will go directly to the wedding page, will not pass go, will not collect $200.
If I have been productive till noon, I can have a nice lunch. Otherwise, I will eat the TV dinner in the freezer at my desk.
If I have been productive all day, I will order out. Otherwise I have to cook something.
There is my plan, please nag me tomorrow and see if I followed it.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Disclaimer
I am very proud of my ability and desire to breast feed. I mean no offense to anyone who cannot or choses to not breast feed. Your choices and experiences are as valid as mine, and I mean no disrespect. I know there are situations where breast feeding is intensly desired and not possible, and want to state that any future possible posts re: breast feeding and formula are not directed toward any person.
Just wanted to post that in response to some (a lot) of my blinkies and my new ticker, as well as planned future blog enteries.
Just wanted to post that in response to some (a lot) of my blinkies and my new ticker, as well as planned future blog enteries.
Updating
YES!!!!!!!
I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPEE!!!!!!!!!!
I will be a caseworker with the Division of Services to People with Disabilities. I am beyond excited. I nearly screamed when they offered me the job. I am beyond happy. Notice my new ticker. Same pay, benefits, etc. I even just work next door, so no commute change.
Basically between the pressures of child welfare administration and the drama and pain of my caseload, I'm done. I will miss working with the teens, but I just need a change. I don't want to get fired, and fear I will because I cannot meet the stupidly impossible standards they have set. My supervisor does NOTHING but say yes master to administration. She does nothing to protect or advocate for workers.
Example: Last Friday, I called her, facing a possible removal of 4 children at about 4:30pm. By that point, I had mearly 30 minutes left in my 40 hours. She grudgingly approved Overtime. The removal was avoided. I told her then that it was likely that I would need overtime the next Friday, as the removal was basically postponed a week. I explained to her that I do not wish to end up working unti 9 on Friday if I don't have to, so may need overtime again. She declined to approve OT, said to have oncall do this. Which is fine, but the paperwork which goes along with a removal would have been my responsibility. Want to know why we lie and put down 40? DCFS is being sued for violating OT policy, but then refuses to authorize it. What would the harm be in authorizing up to 5, which is fully within her discretion?
Why would I expect more from her? I don't know why. This is the woman who asked me if my pregnancy was planned and what my plans were for it when I told her I was pregnant. This is the woman who made comments about my "vacation" referring to my bedrest. She wanted to know if I really had to take the time off. This is the woman who called me the day after I came home from the hospital wanting to know when I was coming back. Ummm lets see, just off narcs, really sore incision, really sick baby in NICU, how about tomorrow. That phone call was the ONLY reason I was back at work 2 weeks after a c-section. I was worried I would lose my job. I knew I wanted to have some time left for when Syd came home to mommy her, and knew if I did not go back, I would have no time. As it was, I had one week home with her. When we were reviewing my cases, which the covering worker did NOTHING on while I was off, asked "what have you (meaning me) learned from this?" I made some smart answers, and she replied "don't get pregnant." I could go on about the other insensitive pregnancy comments, but will refrain. I will add that another co-worker has experienced similar problems.
Basically, her attitude has been harder and harder to deal with. I can't stand working for her. A new supervisor and building manager both are very promising, and I am sad to leave the possibilities they may be bringing. I don't want to work with my supervisor anymore.
I don't want to work with my clients anymore. I have the reputation of being able to handle the hard clients. I have worked hard to earn this reputation. Problem with this is that my caseload has become the dumping ground for the hard cases. In the last year, I have had some very hard demanding cases. Bad abuse, domestic violence, manipulation. The parents are so hard to work with. I went a year with no formal complaints, I've had 6 since March. I have not changed how I work, my clients have been the hardest to work with. If I stand up to them, they complain. I cave, the children are at risk.
Friday was the last time, I hope, that I witness a removal in court. I hope it is the last time I advocate for a removal. The mom is one of the worst cases of emotional maltreatment I have ever seen. She was ordered to behave, then abused them in the office lobby. The children went with their father. Even thought I fully support the removal, I still hated seeing mom cry in court. She has another one on the way, same OB as me.
The emotional baggage I carry from this job will be with me forever. I want to escape to a happy place where children are loved and nurtured, like my baby is. I want to forget about incest, child porn, abuse, and threats. I want to retreat into my happy marraige, instead of witnessing the destruction of relationships which never should have been. I am tired of fearing for my safety. I am tired of worrying if a client will follow me home and harm me. I had a nightmare about a client coming to the hospital and harassing me there, and no one would come and help. I am tired of this. It hurts. I want to go to work and leave it there, and not have it come into my home, my bed, my dreams.
Maybe I can go off the happy pills with my new job. I've been on them for over 2 years now. Who knows.
I am so happy. I so needed a new job.
I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPEE!!!!!!!!!!
I will be a caseworker with the Division of Services to People with Disabilities. I am beyond excited. I nearly screamed when they offered me the job. I am beyond happy. Notice my new ticker. Same pay, benefits, etc. I even just work next door, so no commute change.
Basically between the pressures of child welfare administration and the drama and pain of my caseload, I'm done. I will miss working with the teens, but I just need a change. I don't want to get fired, and fear I will because I cannot meet the stupidly impossible standards they have set. My supervisor does NOTHING but say yes master to administration. She does nothing to protect or advocate for workers.
Example: Last Friday, I called her, facing a possible removal of 4 children at about 4:30pm. By that point, I had mearly 30 minutes left in my 40 hours. She grudgingly approved Overtime. The removal was avoided. I told her then that it was likely that I would need overtime the next Friday, as the removal was basically postponed a week. I explained to her that I do not wish to end up working unti 9 on Friday if I don't have to, so may need overtime again. She declined to approve OT, said to have oncall do this. Which is fine, but the paperwork which goes along with a removal would have been my responsibility. Want to know why we lie and put down 40? DCFS is being sued for violating OT policy, but then refuses to authorize it. What would the harm be in authorizing up to 5, which is fully within her discretion?
Why would I expect more from her? I don't know why. This is the woman who asked me if my pregnancy was planned and what my plans were for it when I told her I was pregnant. This is the woman who made comments about my "vacation" referring to my bedrest. She wanted to know if I really had to take the time off. This is the woman who called me the day after I came home from the hospital wanting to know when I was coming back. Ummm lets see, just off narcs, really sore incision, really sick baby in NICU, how about tomorrow. That phone call was the ONLY reason I was back at work 2 weeks after a c-section. I was worried I would lose my job. I knew I wanted to have some time left for when Syd came home to mommy her, and knew if I did not go back, I would have no time. As it was, I had one week home with her. When we were reviewing my cases, which the covering worker did NOTHING on while I was off, asked "what have you (meaning me) learned from this?" I made some smart answers, and she replied "don't get pregnant." I could go on about the other insensitive pregnancy comments, but will refrain. I will add that another co-worker has experienced similar problems.
Basically, her attitude has been harder and harder to deal with. I can't stand working for her. A new supervisor and building manager both are very promising, and I am sad to leave the possibilities they may be bringing. I don't want to work with my supervisor anymore.
I don't want to work with my clients anymore. I have the reputation of being able to handle the hard clients. I have worked hard to earn this reputation. Problem with this is that my caseload has become the dumping ground for the hard cases. In the last year, I have had some very hard demanding cases. Bad abuse, domestic violence, manipulation. The parents are so hard to work with. I went a year with no formal complaints, I've had 6 since March. I have not changed how I work, my clients have been the hardest to work with. If I stand up to them, they complain. I cave, the children are at risk.
Friday was the last time, I hope, that I witness a removal in court. I hope it is the last time I advocate for a removal. The mom is one of the worst cases of emotional maltreatment I have ever seen. She was ordered to behave, then abused them in the office lobby. The children went with their father. Even thought I fully support the removal, I still hated seeing mom cry in court. She has another one on the way, same OB as me.
The emotional baggage I carry from this job will be with me forever. I want to escape to a happy place where children are loved and nurtured, like my baby is. I want to forget about incest, child porn, abuse, and threats. I want to retreat into my happy marraige, instead of witnessing the destruction of relationships which never should have been. I am tired of fearing for my safety. I am tired of worrying if a client will follow me home and harm me. I had a nightmare about a client coming to the hospital and harassing me there, and no one would come and help. I am tired of this. It hurts. I want to go to work and leave it there, and not have it come into my home, my bed, my dreams.
Maybe I can go off the happy pills with my new job. I've been on them for over 2 years now. Who knows.
I am so happy. I so needed a new job.
And the quiz is right
| You Are Likely a First Born |
 At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often. In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream. |
Even tough I got in the baby way...
| You Passed the US Citizenship Test |
 Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct! |
I'm Charlotte
| You Are Most Like Charlotte! |
 You are the ultimate romantic idealist You've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love. If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever. And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you. Romantic prediction: That guy you are Married to? Could be very forever, and damn well better be since you just had a baby with him. |
Saturday, September 16, 2006
ChChChChanging
| You've Changed 64% in 10 Years |
 Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal. In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it! |
I'm 27, Guess I'm experienced
You've Experienced 72% of Life |
 You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years. |
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Video
I will stop being a slacker. In the mean time quick update.
Faith wanted to know how I handle my job....by searching for a new one. I have a second interview today wish me luck....
And for all those who keep checking, I have discovered YouTube. Video here. I'm getting more things uploaded and will restart posting very soon.
Faith wanted to know how I handle my job....by searching for a new one. I have a second interview today wish me luck....
And for all those who keep checking, I have discovered YouTube. Video here. I'm getting more things uploaded and will restart posting very soon.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Blinkies
So I'm taking a break from the birth story, need an emotional pause.
Instead I wasted an evening discovering blinkies and cut and pasting them.... See below. I'm still looking for some about my favorite "George".
Also, if any of you know how to make blinkies, can you tell me how? So far, I "borrowed" all these from photobucket.
Instead I wasted an evening discovering blinkies and cut and pasting them.... See below. I'm still looking for some about my favorite "George".
Also, if any of you know how to make blinkies, can you tell me how? So far, I "borrowed" all these from photobucket.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Birth Story, Part one
I have decided to re-write and post Sydney's birth story. It will be in chapters, as I feel I'm writing a huge book. Here is part one. It mostly rehashes my obstetric history.
To understand Sydney’s birth story, I have to give you some history.
On our second anniversary, Vince and I decided to try to conceive. We thought we’d just go have fun in bed, and a baby would come. Not so. After about a year of nothing, we started seeing doctors. We had several embarrassing and painful tests. It was so hard to do this. It turned out that I had a very large septum in my uterus, kind of like what is in your nose. It was very large, and needed to be taken care of. After the surgery to resect this, I figured out that the septum was so large it was stretching my uterus and causing pain. It curled around and blocked my cervix so no sperm could get near an egg, if an egg was there. During this time, we were not on any birth control for about 3 years.
Another problem is that I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. I basically did not ovulate and my hormones were bonkers. It was suggested that I lose some weight, as I was very overweight. In 2005, my mom and sister and I went to Weight Watchers, and I managed to lose 30 pounds.
During this time, I was taking Yasmin. The PCOS can cause scaring on the ovaries, and preventing any ovulation helps prevent this. One day, I realized that I had forgotten to get my prescription refilled. I called my doctor, and was told I needed to use an alternative form of contraception, and restart once my period resumes….
Vince and I talked about this. As we had 3 years with no birth control, we figured no problem. We also felt that IF we did get pregnant, well no problem either. We had been told that we would likely need serious medicine up to IVF to get pregnant. However, our reproductive endocrinologist told us after EVERY visit to no use infertility as birth control. I also know that “NO ONE” gets pregnant the first cycle off the pill. When I was not on birth control, my cycles were all over the place, so I figured, no problem.
Fast forward to October 19, 2006. I remember the date because it is my birthday. As I was going to be, a show on PBS was discussing early pregnancy and the effects on the mother. Number one sign: sore breasts. My breasts had been VERY sore for a couple of days at that point, and I was so tired. I had suspicions that I was pregnant at that point, after watching the documentary. I kept this to myself, because I did not want to get Vince excited for nothing. A co-worker who fancies herself a psychic told me I was pregnant. (Maybe she is, but she also said I was having a boy.) I told her not to my knowledge. I had mentioned this to no one at work. There was a rumor about someone we work with being pregnant, and as I was one of few in the childbearing window who was not pregnant, several people came and wanted to know if I was the pregnant one. (It actually turned out to be someone else.)
The next day, while at the pharmacy getting a refill (on the Yasmin of all things) I purchased a home pregnancy test. I waited until I got home, and peed on the stick. Both lines turned pink almost instantly. I can’t tell you how many of those sticks I have peed on just praying it would change colors. It never had before. I could not believe it. Vince had late classes that night. I was dying to tell him. He called and said his class was home early, and was thinking of stopping at the store. I told him to come right home. He came home, and I met him at the door (not my usual thing to do.) He later told me he turned around and looked at my car, sure I had hit something with it. I took him inside and showed him the stick. He asked me what that was, and I told him that he was going to be a daddy. We were so excited and in love.
We went to Yellowstone that weekend with my family. We kept the pregnancy a wonderful little secret between the two of us. I remember my mom saying that next year we can all ride up together in her van. I whispered to Vince that we won’t all fit next year.
After we got home, I went and saw my general pratcioner, who ran a pregnancy test. I told her I was pregnant or dying of cancer, because morning sickness (all day sickness) had arrived. She confirmed that I was pregnant, and referred me to her OB, a woman who I have blognamed Dr. Calm. Dr. Calm delivered my Gp’s children, so I felt that was a pretty good recommendation. I called her office and got an appointment for a couple of weeks out.
The next day, I told my mom, via email. (I thought it was cute to email her the picture of the pregnancy test, but she hated it. Oh Well.) I told people at work. I put the picture up on my blog. At about 3pm, I spotted. I googled this for about 20 minutes, called the GP. Her nurse said this was not likely something to really worry about, but if it got worse, I should go to the ER. I was so worried, that when my friend came into my office, I started crying all over her. She reminded me that we have good health insurance, and I should go to the ER.
Vince works his late job on Wednesday. I called the police department he was working for, as his phone was off because he was in court. I am sure that my voice told how upset I was, as the dispatcher would not let me just pass on the please call me message, rather, she went and got him. I sobbed to him that I was spotting and wanted to go to the ER. He was coming right home.
I cannot tell you how in despair I was. I was so very sad. I called my brother who lives about a mile away. In the LDS religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, and I wanted a blessing. I sobbed to him that I was pregnant and spotting and I wanted a blessing. I had not told him I was pregnant, as he and his wife also struggled with infertility and are waiting to adopt. I was unsure about how to tell them I was pregnant, as I know how hard it has been for me to hear that others close to me are pregnant. It turns out, this was the best way to tell them.
Vince beat them home. When he came in, I just sobbed on him. I felt so guilty, as such a failure. I felt that I was rejecting our little miracle. I just kept sobbing. My brother and his wife came over. He and Vince anointed me with oil consecrated for the healing of the sick. We believe blessings are very sacred, so I will not go into detail. However, the blessing was one of needing strength, challenges to come, and a promise for the best medical care. Sometimes blessings carry promises of miracles and that your worry is not necessary. This was not one of those blessings. The blessing talked about needing the strength of the Lord, and trusting in him. I was so sure that the blessing meant our baby was passing, as did Vince, my brother and his wife. She held me and sobbed, afraid of what would happen at the hospital. She had had similar blessings during her miscarriages. It seemed so cruel, to get pregnant in such a normal way, to lose the baby so soon. It turns out this was a horrible night for them. After they left our home, they went to their adoption class, which was on birth parent’s experiences. They listened to birth parents tell the pain of making placement. My mom was also there, as was her parents. My mom was there supporting Ron, worrying about me in the ER.
Vince drove like a maniac to the hospital. When we got there, as I was not bleeding “too much” we had to wait. We waited an hour, me crying the whole time. Vince cried too. It also seemed to be weirdo night at the ER. There was an old lady screaming about not being able to poop, a couple of drunk people who broke their buddy’s foot among others. NICE.
We finally get taken into the ER. They put me in the GYN room, which scared me, but also was nice as it had walls and a door, the privacy was nice. I kept telling Vince I was so sorry, and he kept telling me this was not my fault. We get forgotten for a while, then in comes the vampire to draw blood. She misses, and is now lining up for poke number two, when the ER doc comes in. ER doc has vampire unhook all her gear, and leave. I was relieved to see her. She is well respected, and has provided excellent care to members of my family, as well as myself in the past. She seemed a bit brisk, but professional. She did a pelvic, which was a blast with no stirrups. She said the cervix was closed, no tissue. She said I needed an ultrasound.
A new CNA comes into the room. She needs to put a catheter in to fill my bladder to help with the ultrasound. If anyone has ever had a catheter placed into a full bladder, well, that’s a new type of torture. Anyway, she missed, and placed the catheter into my vagina. When I told her it was in the wrong place, she denied that it was in the wrong place, so I reached down and pulled it out. She then went and got an RN who got the catheter in. I had to put my legs into a “froggy” position, which was fun. The nurse made it harder for herself by needing to keep me covered while doing this. I told her I was Ok with Vince seeing anything she needed to do, but she kept doing this under cover.
The vampire comes in and finally gets her blood draw. We wait forever, then are wheeled to the ultrasound. I was terrified on way there. I knew that when we got the ultrasound going, we would know very quickly. The tech tried to find the pregnancy via the abdomen. No luck. She then added more fluid to my bladder. Wow, the pain. Again no luck on finding the pregnancy. I’m having a very hard time holding onto my composure at this point. She then, thankfully, drains my bladder. She asks if she can use a vaginal probe. Well, I’ve had those several times before and really have no problems with having them. She gets the probe ready and then we get going.
Then the miracle. There is a heart beat, a nice strong heartbeat. It was magical to hear. Vince and I cried with relief. The little bean was jumping all over the screen. It was a wonderful to see our little one. We were so very worried up to that point. The tech took measurements of our little baby. Based on my last menstrual period the baby was measuring two weeks small. However based on my being irregular, as well as the fact that this was the first cycle off the pill, they are not concerned. I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days. The tech told us that the day before, or two days ago, they would not have been able to see the embryo. Vince and I named the baby “Bean”. Based on my googling earlier on, I knew that the chance of miscarriage was very low at this point. From what I read, once a heart beat is detected, the risk of miscarriage drops significantly. I told this to Vince. We relaxed and were happy. We go back to the ER, and wait, and wait, and wait. We read a lousy sports magazine. We are forgotten. I’m hungry. We are tired. We are bored. We have had the release, and are ready to go home. I’m still catheterized. I’m uncomfortable. Finally, the doctor comes in, and tells us this was a “threatened miscarriage” with a 50/50 chance of still miscarrying. We get forgotten again. Our cell phones start ringing, with family members being concerned. We tell them we are still pregnant. The CNA pops her head in and tells me to get dressed. I remind her I still have a catheter in. She goes “really”, and disappears. It was weird how after we knew we were still pregnant, we just wanted to leave, and were getting impatient. Finally the nurse comes in, removes my catheter, gives me some baby wipes, and leaves. I get dressed. We leave. When we get to the parking lot, my mom was there. My mom figured that since we were still there, we had a miscarriage. We showed her the ultrasound picture of our baby. She says some things, like it only gets harder. I hug her and we all go home, very late. Vince calls his mom and tells her. She says she is very happy for all of us.
The next morning, well, I call in sick. I had told my supervisor already. She seemed less than thrilled. I have a co-worker cover some home visits I had scheduled that day, and neglect to tell him to not mention the pregnancy. Hence, 2 foster parents I work with find out I’m pregnant and almost miscarried way sooner than I am ready for this to occur.
Stay tuned for part 2.
To understand Sydney’s birth story, I have to give you some history.
On our second anniversary, Vince and I decided to try to conceive. We thought we’d just go have fun in bed, and a baby would come. Not so. After about a year of nothing, we started seeing doctors. We had several embarrassing and painful tests. It was so hard to do this. It turned out that I had a very large septum in my uterus, kind of like what is in your nose. It was very large, and needed to be taken care of. After the surgery to resect this, I figured out that the septum was so large it was stretching my uterus and causing pain. It curled around and blocked my cervix so no sperm could get near an egg, if an egg was there. During this time, we were not on any birth control for about 3 years.
Another problem is that I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. I basically did not ovulate and my hormones were bonkers. It was suggested that I lose some weight, as I was very overweight. In 2005, my mom and sister and I went to Weight Watchers, and I managed to lose 30 pounds.
During this time, I was taking Yasmin. The PCOS can cause scaring on the ovaries, and preventing any ovulation helps prevent this. One day, I realized that I had forgotten to get my prescription refilled. I called my doctor, and was told I needed to use an alternative form of contraception, and restart once my period resumes….
Vince and I talked about this. As we had 3 years with no birth control, we figured no problem. We also felt that IF we did get pregnant, well no problem either. We had been told that we would likely need serious medicine up to IVF to get pregnant. However, our reproductive endocrinologist told us after EVERY visit to no use infertility as birth control. I also know that “NO ONE” gets pregnant the first cycle off the pill. When I was not on birth control, my cycles were all over the place, so I figured, no problem.
Fast forward to October 19, 2006. I remember the date because it is my birthday. As I was going to be, a show on PBS was discussing early pregnancy and the effects on the mother. Number one sign: sore breasts. My breasts had been VERY sore for a couple of days at that point, and I was so tired. I had suspicions that I was pregnant at that point, after watching the documentary. I kept this to myself, because I did not want to get Vince excited for nothing. A co-worker who fancies herself a psychic told me I was pregnant. (Maybe she is, but she also said I was having a boy.) I told her not to my knowledge. I had mentioned this to no one at work. There was a rumor about someone we work with being pregnant, and as I was one of few in the childbearing window who was not pregnant, several people came and wanted to know if I was the pregnant one. (It actually turned out to be someone else.)
The next day, while at the pharmacy getting a refill (on the Yasmin of all things) I purchased a home pregnancy test. I waited until I got home, and peed on the stick. Both lines turned pink almost instantly. I can’t tell you how many of those sticks I have peed on just praying it would change colors. It never had before. I could not believe it. Vince had late classes that night. I was dying to tell him. He called and said his class was home early, and was thinking of stopping at the store. I told him to come right home. He came home, and I met him at the door (not my usual thing to do.) He later told me he turned around and looked at my car, sure I had hit something with it. I took him inside and showed him the stick. He asked me what that was, and I told him that he was going to be a daddy. We were so excited and in love.
We went to Yellowstone that weekend with my family. We kept the pregnancy a wonderful little secret between the two of us. I remember my mom saying that next year we can all ride up together in her van. I whispered to Vince that we won’t all fit next year.
After we got home, I went and saw my general pratcioner, who ran a pregnancy test. I told her I was pregnant or dying of cancer, because morning sickness (all day sickness) had arrived. She confirmed that I was pregnant, and referred me to her OB, a woman who I have blognamed Dr. Calm. Dr. Calm delivered my Gp’s children, so I felt that was a pretty good recommendation. I called her office and got an appointment for a couple of weeks out.
The next day, I told my mom, via email. (I thought it was cute to email her the picture of the pregnancy test, but she hated it. Oh Well.) I told people at work. I put the picture up on my blog. At about 3pm, I spotted. I googled this for about 20 minutes, called the GP. Her nurse said this was not likely something to really worry about, but if it got worse, I should go to the ER. I was so worried, that when my friend came into my office, I started crying all over her. She reminded me that we have good health insurance, and I should go to the ER.
Vince works his late job on Wednesday. I called the police department he was working for, as his phone was off because he was in court. I am sure that my voice told how upset I was, as the dispatcher would not let me just pass on the please call me message, rather, she went and got him. I sobbed to him that I was spotting and wanted to go to the ER. He was coming right home.
I cannot tell you how in despair I was. I was so very sad. I called my brother who lives about a mile away. In the LDS religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, and I wanted a blessing. I sobbed to him that I was pregnant and spotting and I wanted a blessing. I had not told him I was pregnant, as he and his wife also struggled with infertility and are waiting to adopt. I was unsure about how to tell them I was pregnant, as I know how hard it has been for me to hear that others close to me are pregnant. It turns out, this was the best way to tell them.
Vince beat them home. When he came in, I just sobbed on him. I felt so guilty, as such a failure. I felt that I was rejecting our little miracle. I just kept sobbing. My brother and his wife came over. He and Vince anointed me with oil consecrated for the healing of the sick. We believe blessings are very sacred, so I will not go into detail. However, the blessing was one of needing strength, challenges to come, and a promise for the best medical care. Sometimes blessings carry promises of miracles and that your worry is not necessary. This was not one of those blessings. The blessing talked about needing the strength of the Lord, and trusting in him. I was so sure that the blessing meant our baby was passing, as did Vince, my brother and his wife. She held me and sobbed, afraid of what would happen at the hospital. She had had similar blessings during her miscarriages. It seemed so cruel, to get pregnant in such a normal way, to lose the baby so soon. It turns out this was a horrible night for them. After they left our home, they went to their adoption class, which was on birth parent’s experiences. They listened to birth parents tell the pain of making placement. My mom was also there, as was her parents. My mom was there supporting Ron, worrying about me in the ER.
Vince drove like a maniac to the hospital. When we got there, as I was not bleeding “too much” we had to wait. We waited an hour, me crying the whole time. Vince cried too. It also seemed to be weirdo night at the ER. There was an old lady screaming about not being able to poop, a couple of drunk people who broke their buddy’s foot among others. NICE.
We finally get taken into the ER. They put me in the GYN room, which scared me, but also was nice as it had walls and a door, the privacy was nice. I kept telling Vince I was so sorry, and he kept telling me this was not my fault. We get forgotten for a while, then in comes the vampire to draw blood. She misses, and is now lining up for poke number two, when the ER doc comes in. ER doc has vampire unhook all her gear, and leave. I was relieved to see her. She is well respected, and has provided excellent care to members of my family, as well as myself in the past. She seemed a bit brisk, but professional. She did a pelvic, which was a blast with no stirrups. She said the cervix was closed, no tissue. She said I needed an ultrasound.
A new CNA comes into the room. She needs to put a catheter in to fill my bladder to help with the ultrasound. If anyone has ever had a catheter placed into a full bladder, well, that’s a new type of torture. Anyway, she missed, and placed the catheter into my vagina. When I told her it was in the wrong place, she denied that it was in the wrong place, so I reached down and pulled it out. She then went and got an RN who got the catheter in. I had to put my legs into a “froggy” position, which was fun. The nurse made it harder for herself by needing to keep me covered while doing this. I told her I was Ok with Vince seeing anything she needed to do, but she kept doing this under cover.
The vampire comes in and finally gets her blood draw. We wait forever, then are wheeled to the ultrasound. I was terrified on way there. I knew that when we got the ultrasound going, we would know very quickly. The tech tried to find the pregnancy via the abdomen. No luck. She then added more fluid to my bladder. Wow, the pain. Again no luck on finding the pregnancy. I’m having a very hard time holding onto my composure at this point. She then, thankfully, drains my bladder. She asks if she can use a vaginal probe. Well, I’ve had those several times before and really have no problems with having them. She gets the probe ready and then we get going.
Then the miracle. There is a heart beat, a nice strong heartbeat. It was magical to hear. Vince and I cried with relief. The little bean was jumping all over the screen. It was a wonderful to see our little one. We were so very worried up to that point. The tech took measurements of our little baby. Based on my last menstrual period the baby was measuring two weeks small. However based on my being irregular, as well as the fact that this was the first cycle off the pill, they are not concerned. I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days. The tech told us that the day before, or two days ago, they would not have been able to see the embryo. Vince and I named the baby “Bean”. Based on my googling earlier on, I knew that the chance of miscarriage was very low at this point. From what I read, once a heart beat is detected, the risk of miscarriage drops significantly. I told this to Vince. We relaxed and were happy. We go back to the ER, and wait, and wait, and wait. We read a lousy sports magazine. We are forgotten. I’m hungry. We are tired. We are bored. We have had the release, and are ready to go home. I’m still catheterized. I’m uncomfortable. Finally, the doctor comes in, and tells us this was a “threatened miscarriage” with a 50/50 chance of still miscarrying. We get forgotten again. Our cell phones start ringing, with family members being concerned. We tell them we are still pregnant. The CNA pops her head in and tells me to get dressed. I remind her I still have a catheter in. She goes “really”, and disappears. It was weird how after we knew we were still pregnant, we just wanted to leave, and were getting impatient. Finally the nurse comes in, removes my catheter, gives me some baby wipes, and leaves. I get dressed. We leave. When we get to the parking lot, my mom was there. My mom figured that since we were still there, we had a miscarriage. We showed her the ultrasound picture of our baby. She says some things, like it only gets harder. I hug her and we all go home, very late. Vince calls his mom and tells her. She says she is very happy for all of us.
The next morning, well, I call in sick. I had told my supervisor already. She seemed less than thrilled. I have a co-worker cover some home visits I had scheduled that day, and neglect to tell him to not mention the pregnancy. Hence, 2 foster parents I work with find out I’m pregnant and almost miscarried way sooner than I am ready for this to occur.
Stay tuned for part 2.
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Blinkies about me
Sydney's blinkies
Mommy blinkies
Nicu Blinkies
Breast Feeding Blinkies
Blinkin 4 A Cause
