Yes Faith, there is a Santa Claus

No, I'm not dead.

I'm actually ok. Really I am.

I have had a hard time thinking of things to post, hence the silence. I just don't think you all really want to hear me whine about missing Vince over and over, and that's what I feel I'd write.

A brief synopsis of what I've been up to

1. Still employed at the same place, doing the same thing.
2. Syd has 3 new teeth, and is so close to really walking.
3. She can expertly climb up and down stairs.
4. My Wellbutrin was switched to generic and stopped working. I'm on Effexor now.
5. I have spent a lot of time watching Star Trek videos on you tube.
6. I even bought some seasons of Voyager off Ebay.
7. I've been reading a lot of Janeway/Chakotay fanfic. I've written some, but am too embarrassed to post it anywhere. I've spent a LOT of time at home reading this.
8. I found some old fan fic I wrote years ago. I'll share only if I ever meet you in person, or I know you in person (Dawn, Trista, Susan, etc this means you) You are free to compliment, but are are forbidden to ever mock me (well teasing because it is so bad is ok). Bad writing here. I wrote it in college, and before I was married. I swear it is bad.
9. I'm lonely. My appetite has been sucking lately because of Vince being gone. The bright side of this is I've lost close to 25 pounds.
10. Syd is finally out of the bucket car seat and into a convertible one. I still have her rear facing.

On a very happy note, I just got back from 4 wonderful days with Vince in St. Louis. He had a break between his trainings, and I flew out to see him. I left Syd with my mom. That was hard. We stayed at a Hilton, and the hotel was wonderful. We had a wonderful time just being with each other. We were able to see the play "Rent" which was on tour there, and the play was marvelous. We ate at lovely restaurants, and went to Six Flags. I HATED our rental car, and HHR, because the blind spots were huge, but otherwise the time was fantastic. It was the first time I had left him at the airport, usually he leaves me standing there, and it was really hard on him to see me go. He said he now understands how it is hard to be left behind. I now know how hard it is to walk away from the person you love and go deal with the TSA.

While on the TSA, my carry on bag often doubles as my lunch bag. It had a fruit cup in a side pocket, a fruit cup I had forgotten all about and had no idea how old it is. You would not believe the fuss over a fruit cup. I told them to throw it away, and they had to consult supervisors over it. I was allowed to keep my fruit cup, which I threw away because it looked old.

The flight to St. Louis was wonderful. I had the bench to myself and stretched out and read a book while sipping Diet Coke then tea, with music playing on the Ipod. So very relaxing and nice. It was such a burden off of me to know that I literally HAD to sit there and relax. No one could call me, and I could not call anyone. I did not have to feed Syd, just sit there and be. It was heavenly. Flights home not so much, but the flight there was wonderful.

Confidential to Sarah: Your card came on a very low day for me. I saved the money and Vince and I enjoyed dinner in St. Louis on my birthday thanks to you. I thought of you when we ordered, and said a grateful prayer for your kindness.

Confidential to Faith: Thanks for prompting me to write again. I was afraid I would start and never stop because I have so much to say. It was moving to see your post today.

Confidential to Dawn: Thanks for being here with me. And thanks for helping me clean my disaster of a house. Only a true friend would come and sort through this mess.

Getting ready

I'm so stressed.

Broke.
Short on time.
Too much to do.
Worried.
Stressed.
Tired.

Yup, that covers it.

Vince leaves Saturday. Insert bawling smilie here. There is so much he needs to do. He has been acting like money grows on trees. I've FINALLY gotten him to stop spending, I hope. He just wants to have EVERYTHING NOW.

What I try to point out is that
1) He is not going to kingdom come. There is a fully stocked BX where he is going.
2) He can still purchase stuff he needs there when he gets there.
3) Things he cannot purchase there, he can go online and get later when we can afford this.
4) Things he cannot purchase there or online, I can go buy and ship (read LDS garments.) He does however have PLENTY, trust me PLENTY of those, he just wants all new ones because they have an all new military kind.

I just hate dealing with money and him. If I gently suggest that we can't afford that right now or he needs to wait, he gets upset sometimes and says he won't get it ever. I think a big part of this difference in attitudes is how we were raised. I was raised middle to upper middle class. There were times (many times) things were lean, but I never went hungry, and I almost always had what I needed, and usually most of what I wanted as well. If my mom said she could not afford the New Kids on the Block tape I wanted now, but I could have it after pay day, I knew I would get it unless I ticked her off. I grew up in stable homes in nice neighborhoods. Vince was raised in poverty, pure and simple. His dad did not pay child support. His mom worked multiple minimium wage jobs. I'm sure there was a lot he did not get because of money. Different experiences, different ways of looking at money.

Anyway, he leaves Saturday. I'm taking some of today and all of tomorrow off.

Oh, and Sydney is sleeping at my mom's tonight. I'm worried about her being gone, but Vince and I do need time alone to get ready to go. She is an active healthy baby, and chasing her is something we do a lot of. We will actually be able to get things that need to get done with her being gone. I'll also be able to get a good nights sleep. It will be the first time she will spend the night away from me since she came home. I hope this goes ok.

I'm getting worried and upset about him leaving. Vince is having a hard time leaving. He says it is harder this time. He feels like he and Sydney just got into a grove, and now he has to leave.

I'm planning on flying to see him at least once, but can't book airfare until we get some money.

Well then, I just blogged about money because I don't want to talk about him leaving. Great coping skills there.

Random thoughts

I have several different topics to cover, so bear with me.

I am VERY stressed right now. I've taken to wearing my teeth grinding guard during the day because the grinding and clenching is so bad.

It is stressful having Vince leave. His job is giving him the run around. I'm worried he does not have time to prepare.

Work is boring.

2 co-workers are pregnant. 5 and 6 weeks. Today they were having a conversation about births etc, and I'd say something and I got told that's because your birth was weird, your pregnancy was bad, etc. I really felt out of place, like if I told my experience, I was cursing them or something. I excused myself and went and cried in my office because of how out of place I felt, and how robbed of what they had I felt, and how unvalidated my experiences were. And I would normally call one of these women a friend.

My mom and my sister had another blow out today. My brother the pious and I am trying to give them some space, so I offered to let her come live with me after Vince leaves. She can go live with him in the mean time. My mom took this to us trying to split up the family and taking my sister's side. What we are trying to do is to not take sides, but recognize that all this constant fighting is really bad for both of them and give them some space to calm down and remember that they love each other. Mom called me tonight and yelled at me, saying we were letting my sister off easy. Problem is I can see thought my mother's controlling behaviors. She has also conveniently forgotten all the crap my brother and I pulled and making us out to be perfect teenagers and we were not. Trust me. She thinks them being at each other's throats constantly is healthier than them getting some space. She did this with my dad. She did this with my brother. They fought constantly. For years. Because that was better than a divorce.

I'm not saying that my sister is blameless here by far, but ALL the problems are my sisters, NONE are my mother's. I'm sure she is struggling with the fact her baby is 18 and trying to be independent and making mistakes at it, but my mom is really doing this the wrong way. It is so bad, that if my sister was under 18, I'd be calling DCFS.

I'm stuck in a hard spot. I want to help my sister, but don't really want my mom to come after me. I don't need that too. She started in on my this evening, but thankfully got an ambulance call. I don't want to take sides. She used to have me try to take sides between her and my dad, and I won't do it any more between her and anyone, and it makes her SO mad, then she comes after me. Happened several times when I lived there, which is reason 1 I won't go live there again. You just can't talk to her when she gets like this. If you don't agree with her, than you are attaching her. I mentioned that getting them some space would end the power struggle between her and my sister, and she yelled there was none, if my sister would just follow her rules.

My mom is very good at twisting things.

My mom REALLY ticked me off. She used Sydney as pawn. She told my sister that she was going to tell me she was too irresponsible to watch Sydney and that I would not let her care for Sydney. I've tried really hard to stay neutral in their war. I've tried really hard to be supportive, but she just drew my innocent baby into her battle. NOT OK. I (and Vince) DECIDE WHO SEES SYDNEY, NOT HER. SHE IS NOT SYDNEY'S PARENT, AND I WILL NOT LET HER ACT LIKE SHE IS. You all know how much I don't like my MIL, but I've never blocked her seeing Sydney. I might mock her dirty floors after we go, but at least we went.

Honestly, I think my mom needs meds and some heavy therapy. I've gently tried to address this with her, but been rebuffed. I spent almost 2 years in therapy dealing with her crap, and I won't go back to my old patterns which makes her so mad. I won't be the scapegoat. I REFUSE to try to social work my family. She tried to have me do marriage therapy between her and my dad, and it has haunted me. I won't do that. I'll suggest that she and my sister need therapy, but it will get thrown back in my face.

My brothers and I are out of her grasp. One brother barely has anything to do with us. One does, but constantly ticks my mother off because its not what she wants. I try to stay away from her when she is like this. I try to do things on my own terms, but know I cave to her more than I should.

Syd is sleeping better. She sleeps from about 11 to 7:30. She is sleeping with me, but at least she is sleeping. I have to keep her up which can be a challenge, but at least this is an improvement.

Everyone else is, part 2

Again, Wendy being the follower. Every time I take this test I come out ENFP.

Down day

Syd's sleeping is not going well. She cries for about 20 minutes, sleeps for about an hour, lather rinse repeat. It is very hard. I've started talking to her about sleeping and preparing her for it. It is just hard. I want to say thanks for all the tips and ideas people have sent me, I really appreciate them. Things are improved over my I'm losing it post, but they are still a challenge. I'm worried she is having nightmares, because she wakes up screaming as if she is scared. Now she goes to sleep very easy at day care. DCP says she plays a little than goes to sleep. UGG WHY can she do it there, but not at home?

I'm down today. The overwhelming burden of Vince leaving is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm pretty near crying right now. I restarted the Wellbutrin today. I've been off for a couple of months and have done fine, but I'm worried about what will come. So I'm being proactive and restarting the meds.

17 days until he leaves. I keep reminding myself that this is a good thing, at least he is not in Baghdad, blah, blah, blah, but I also keep thinking... My Lover is leaving for 6 freaking months. (I'd swear but I'm posting from work.) That is the overwhelming part right now. 6 MONTHS. I know the time will pass because it always does, but that's where I am right now. The anticipatory grief one has before a big loss occurs.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

Oh, and Trista, I'll work on the blinkies.

Another sibling and his wife weighs in

My brother the Pious and his wife who were waiting to adopt and is now miraciously due in December came by to bring Vince a congratulations you got promoted gift. They brought him the Star Wars Lego video game. Vince loves it. It is nice when someone gives you a gift you will really enjoy.

Anyway, I mentioned that my mom wants me to move in. He said she wants me there to referee. SIL is an accountant for the I the R and the S. Mentioned I did the math on the mileage and that my housing allowance would go down because of the difference in zip codes. She immediately said that you won't save any money driving 80 miles a day. Both though it would be a bad financial and emotional move, and BTP is my mom's favorite!!! They live blocks away and said they would help with anything, anytime.

So another sibling votes no. That makes 3 votes no, 2 unknown. (But I already know they are nos too).

The Nos have it.

OT.... SIL has not had one teensey urge to vomit. Mandy, Sarah, myself and any others who suffered through a vomit filled pregnancy may now shove our fingers down her throat. I actually am beyond happy that they are pregnant, and am glad she is skipping the vomit. But maybe she could have one 24 hour period of gentle nausea?

A cute pause

There is plenty more to read below.... well if you like reading about my mom and me.

For a cuter pause, some Sydney Pictures. Some have been uploaded from camera phones, so not the best quality, but still cute.











Vince loves Jolt Gum, and Syd found a box to chew on.


With my oldest younger sister.


With my youngest younger sister.




Vince did her hair and dressed her.



And a slide show I made:

I just love her to bits!

Now guess what?

My mom and my sister had a big fight last night and this morning.

First my mom was kicking out my sister. Then my mom was moving out. Guess where she wants to come and live....

Yup. You guessed it. With me.

Now, I'm seriously thinking of having my sister come and live with me. She is 18, and while bratty, would actually be a help around the house and be an enjoyable person to live with. I told her she would have to pay rent to me, and she was ok with that. If my sister came and lived with me, the house would still remain MY HOUSE.

If my mom came and lived with me, it would turn into her house. Plain and simple.

Oh, and so not happening. I'm not sharing a bathroom with my mother. I don't want to hear peep one about how I'm using all the hot water, not when I'm paying the bill.

Am I weird that I am actually looking forward to the time when Vince is gone? Not that I want him to go, by far that is not what I'm thinking here. I'm looking at this as a time for me to do what I want, so I can be independant and still take care of everything, and a chance for me to do some things I want to do. I'll miss Vince a lot, I know this. I've been on my own for a couple of weeks with Syd and about 4 weeks before she was even concieved. I did fine both times. I'm looking optimistically that yes this will be a hard time for me, but I can make this a positive time. I can make needed changes in the home without Vince dragging his feet as he does. I can work hard and take care of things, and still have time to rent and watch Big Love. I can take care of my baby and scrap and sew.

Does that make sense? Since he has to leave and his leaving is a postive thing, I can still have a nice time while he is gone, YKWIM? I don't want to sit and cry, but I know there will be crying times. I think I want to keep life as normal as possible, and having my mom move in would not be doing that at all.

Is she crazy?

Dh's leaving for about 6 months of military training. This is because of his recent promotion and is a good thing.

Some points to think about.

1. Work and Day care are within 10 minutes from my house.
2. My mom lives 45 minutes away.
3. She wants me to let my rental house go, store all my stuff, get rid of my cats, and move in with her.
4. I'd basically moved in with her right after DD came home and DH left for 6 weeks of training. It was HELL. Pure and simple Hell. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. My mom is a controlling gal.
6. I'd save about 900 a month in rent, utilities, etc.
7. I'd have to rent a storage unit, change our insurance policies, etc.
8. My commute would more than triple. The IRS puts mileage at 48.5 cents per mile. Last time I did this commute, I averaged 80 miles a day. 80*.485*25= 470.45 a month. (18.18 A DAY!!!!!)
9. Rent on a storage unit would likely be about 200 a month.
10. I'd have to rehome my cats. While I have one I would like to rehome (he is a loveable pest) I'd hate to rehome all of them.
11. Last time I crashed in her room. I had no closet space. I had no TV as she does not have cable. I got when are you coming home? When will you be back? Why do you spend $3 on a half a gallon of organic milk? It was not home.
12. I had to keep neat and orderly at all times.... my mom's rules. She insists on communal laundry doing, and got mad that I was not interested in particpating. I wanted to do my own laundry, not the whole house holds.
13. When things got bad, and they did, it was ALL my fault. Why? Because I'm the scapgoat in my family, and because I was disrupting thier routine. Well I have my own routine, TUVM.
14. My mom is a morning person. I'm not a morning person AT ALL.

Just looking at the math here.... I'd save about $200 a month. HA. Go through hell for $200 a month. Not likely. Last time I did not have a day care provider for Syd, and I wanted to keep her out of day care since she just got home. This time I have an excellent provider for Syd, and have no problems with her being in day care. I'd spend at least that in retail therapy, and I did last time, why? Because I was left alone in the stores. Then I'd get the 3rd degree when I came home with purchases.

I love my mom, and I'm working on redefining my relationship with her. I do really good dealing with her controlling crap from 30 miles away. I don't do so good at that living with her. I am not a child, yet it seemed I was expected to be one. I'm grateful for the offer, and fully plan on leaving Syd with them for a weekend when I fly and visit Vince.

She said to me that she does not know if I could handle being a single mother. Lovely vote of confidence there. NICE, really NICE. Sure I'm not the greatest house keeper on the planet, but a couple of friends have offered to help me organize and get things de-cluttered. How about she offers to come help me with deep cleaning and no commentary? How about she picks Syd up and goes to my house so I don't have to drive the round trip to her home so I can go grocery shopping? How about she offer help me some way I want help, not what she thinks is best?

I don't wanna move. 6 Months with my mom? She must be joking.

Soooooooo

Vince met with his commander.

And it went much better than expected.

Vince becomes a Second Lieutenant on Friday!

THANK GOD that the ROTC phase of our lives is over and we get to move on.

I am beyond relieved.

I am so happy. I am so glad that all the sacrifice and struggle and loss of the last 2 years related to this program have come to fruition.

I am so relieved for Vince. I really dreaded having to work him through not commissioning.

D-Day

Well today is the day.

Today Vince learns if he earns a commission or not.

I'm terribly nervous.

I'm very glad that the sword hanging over us will fall. I'm very glad that the anxiety, the worry, and the stress will be over, no matter what his commander decides. I'm trying to focus on today, not worry about the what ifs, but I'm not doing too well on that point.

As for Syd and her sleeping.... ROFLOL.

Last night I kept her up all evening. It was a fight to keep her up from 9 to 10. At 10 I got her ready for bed and she went to sleep. I'm so tired I collapsed as well. We were both asleep before 10:30. I was very excited thinking she would actually sleep all night.

Ummm... No.

She woke up at 1:30 and stayed that way. I got some sleep on the couch.

CIO starts tonight. One thing I realized is that I need to feed her heavy foods before she sleeps, because she wakes up hungry. So I'll feed her pediasure, turkey, and baby cereal, then she can go to sleep. And she stays in her bed for the rest of the night. I'm setting up the small crib my mom gave me tonight. Oh, and she is sleeping in another room other than mine as well. I love my baby, but this sleeping like crap has to stop. She and I both need this to stop. It is draining all my resources.

On to my mom. Yes she needs to STFU. I'm well aware she does not think I'm a skilled mom at getting Syd to sleep. What we had been doing had been working until about a month ago, then it all went to hell. I'm trying to do what I think is best. I now think this course of action is best for us.

Oh.... she offered to have me move in with her while Vince is gone. She said I'd save the money I'd spend on rent, and can put my things in storage. Yeah. NO. NOT HAPPENING. I have to have my space to parent. I don't believe in parenting by committee, which is what it was when I lived there last year. Parenting by committee, a committee I was not on because I disagreed with them. I need to parent her, My mom needs to grandparent her, and my sisters need to aunt her. Sheesh. I don't need that pressure. I hated living there. It was really bad. And she wants me to do it for 6 months???? SOOOOOOOOO not happening.

So please pray for Vince today, and for me and Syd tonight.

After the high drama that was this mornings post I give you...

Everyone else is doing it so I should too.

You're Mexico!

While some people think you're poor and maybe a little corrupt, you know where it's at, enjoying good food and nice beaches. You like to take things a little slower than those around you, and you really wish the air were cleaner, but sometimes compromises must be made. For some reason, Chevrolet keeps trying to sell you Novas as well, even though they don't really go.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

I am a bad mom

Just thought I'd post that.

I'm really struggling here. Vince is under huge ROTC stress and hates his graveyard shify job.

Sydney is on a very screwed up sleep cycle. She thinks playtime starts at 1. Now this would be ok if I did not have to go to work, but I do.

Last night I got so little sleep, I'm a zombie. When Vince comes back from PT he is taking her to day care and I'm calling in sick. I'll go in at about 1. I'm dead tired now and very close to loosing it with Sydney.

She is currently downstairs watching TV.

I totally suck as a mom. If she won't nurse to sleep I don't know how to put her to sleep, a fact my mom made clear yesterday.

With Vince and Syd I feel like I give and give and give and am getting little back from Vince. Syd gives with her happy laughs and smiles.

I'm burned out at ROTC. I want to scream whenever Vince mentions it. He needs to process I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I WANT TO TELL HIM TO STFU and NEVER MENTION HIS COMMANDER OR THAT DAMN PROGRAM AGAIN. This ends Wednesday one way or the other. I'll be glad for Vince's anxiety to come down to the point where he can maybe rejoin the labor force in our home. I'm just DONE. IF he gets a comission, I have to go play nice to those assholes on Friday. Joy.

She is crying right now, and I CAN'T go. I'm in control now, but I'm close to losing it. I want her to go to sleep damn it. I can REALLY easily see how child abuse happens when parents get to the end of their rope. I've done nothing but I've sure thought of it.

Tomorrow we start her sleeping in a crib. I'm getting the pack and play out of my car as well so I have somewhere to put her that she can't escape. I love her so much I don't want anything to happen, but I am done.

I'm to the point where we will be doing CIO. I hate it but I need her to go to sleep and stay that way. I love her so much. I'm so torn. The crap at the so called mothering website I chill at is no help. Most mothers post like me. I'm so tired blah blah blah. Yeah, I'm tired and I'm done being a martyr for a cause. I need sleep.

Up 2

So I had a bad week.

Ate too much fatty food on the fourth. Ate too little other days. Ate way to much yesterday at the local city fair.

I'm trying to think positive. Even though I over did it, I did better than I would have before starting Weight Watchers. I did not over eat. I shared a plate with Vince. I stopped eating my Chinese at half and did not clean my plate. I turned down Dawn's leftovers, even though I LOVE LOVE LOVE what she had. (Fried Chinese lo mein. YUMMY). I did not have a cotton candy or a Fried Twinkies, both of which I really wanted.

I'm wondering though is the I did better than the past a real idea, or just justification. I'm not sure. On some levels it is progress, on others it is just an excuse.

Things I will do this week to have a better week:

1. Go grocery shopping so there is healthy food in my kitchen.
2. Count. I did not track last week.
3. Monitor portion sizes.
4. Attend the meeting next week as well. I only weighed in last week, skipped the meeting.
5. Keep a positive attitude.
6. Take Sydney for a walk in the evening 3 times this week.

So those are my goals. Do-able I think.

Last week I was really chaffing at the counting and writing it down, mostly because Vince is so over the top with it he is driving me bonkers. I can keep my points written down and still remain me.

I've done imagery for how I want this afternoon to go. I am going to Lagoon, the local amusement park. I will bring healthy snacks. I will not go nutso on the amusement park food. I did that at Disneyland, I can skip it at Lagoon. I will make wise choices at dinner. I might eat at their Subway, or I might eat somewhere else, but I will write it down. I'm picturing how I want this day to go, so I have a mental plan.

Any psychics out there? Have any idea where my nice swimming suit is? I can't find it and I have looked EVERYWHERE. I found the skirt that goes with it, but not my suit. I got it last year and have wore it once or twice. It was not an inexpensive suit by any means at all, either. I spent $150 on the suit and skirt, and I think I looked OK in it. It actually supported me, which my old suit does not do so well. Oh well. I can't afford to go buy a new one, since hopefully sometime soon I'll need a smaller size.

W Meme

Stolen from Faith.....

Rules: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following.

1. Famous singer/band: The Who
2. 4-letter word: What (followed by the f)
3. Street name: W Street in Washington DC
4. Colour: White
5. Gifts/presents: Harry Winston jewlery
6. Vehicle: Windstar (by Ford)
7. Things in a souvenir shop: bottled Water
8. Boy name: Walter
9. Girl name: Wanda
10. Movie title: Wild Wild West.... (3 fer!)
11. Drink: Watermelon Vodka
12. Occupation: Waiter
13. Flower: Water Lily
14. Celebrity: Whitney Houston
15. Magazine: W
16. U.S. City: Washington DC
17. Pro Sports Team: Chicago White Sox
18. Fruit/vegetable: Water Cress
19. Reason late for work: Water on Kitchen floor
20. Something you throw away: Waste
21. Things you shout: WOW!
22. Cartoon character: Windy the witch

So.... how about the blinkies?

I'll admit .... I'm a

And I posted my entire collection on my blog.

Thankfully for all of you blinkie haters, I've hidden most of them at the bottom of the page where no one goes.

I may or may not move one element to the top on a rotating basis... depending on the commentary I recieve on them.

I kinda went nuts. I have them all organized on here and on my photo bucket as well.

However... If you want to get to know me, check them out. A lot of me and my personality, likes and dislikes show up on the blinkies.

So what do you think? Should I rotate one up top, or leave them all at the bottom?

Shamless Plea for Votes.

I've entered Syd in a cute baby contest... could you please go and vote for her?

Main contest page is http://www.kosy.com/pages/baby_idol/

When they put the pictures up, they did it in a less than organized way. Basically you have to click through all the pictures to see yours, and it is a pain.

I'll post the pictures so you can see them. (My mom entered her too.)

Baby #158, where we decided to concentrate the votes.... (Dawn took this picture, BTW)

And baby #162 She is wearing a green wig my mom had to wear for work. That is my (thankfully hairless) chin in the corner.

To vote click here (And please vote for #158.)
http://www.kosy.com/pages/baby_idol/vote.html

It seems you can vote once per internet browser program on a computer.... so if you happen to have Explorer and Firefox... you can vote twice. And if you have a home and work computer.... ok, I'll stop begging.
Thanks for the votes!

Gotcha Day

Today is our Gotcha day!!!

Celebrate!!!!

One year ago we ran out of the hospital and made it home WITH our DD. What a happy day that was. Such a very special day. If you are interested...

Here is the video link. Because I don't want youtube linking back to this site, remove the #### in the link so the link will work.

From when we roomed in...
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=l3FmZS2zjPA

Going home!
http://www.youtube.com/####watch?v=LFQCeQ0miYA

What a wonderful day that was. I look back at that video and snicker at times. Vince wondering if he should drive slow because we have the baby in the car. Me messing with the blanket and wrapping her up in it.... thing is, it was about 90 that day. She did not need a blanket. She barely needed clothing.

I bought her the duck dress she is wearing. It was a newborn size. I bought it on one of my OB approved shopping jaunts while on bed rest. I was sitting in one of those electric carts. My mom was there. She had bought Sydney a pink dress, but I told her I wanted to purchase the duck one. She said I had no need for it, since she bought the pink one. I told her I wanted the duck dress and was buying it. She wanted to know what for. I said I needed something cute to bring her home in. She said that's why she bought the pink dress, and acted a bit hurt. I thanked her for the pink dress, but said that Vince wanted me to get her a dress to wear home that he and I bought. Plus, the pink dress was a 0-3 months, and we already knew she was being born small. I said that I was hoping that a new born dress would fit... as you can see, it was still huge. In the end, I bought the dress, sweater, and a pair of duck booties. I wanted to get the really cute duck hat that matched but my mom talked me out of it.

BTW... both the duck dress and pink dress still fit. When I'm home I'll upload a picture of her very recently wearing the duck dress. She wore it to Vince's graduation.

Any ideas out there how to help Vince and Sydney bond? She is really clinging to me, and his feelings are getting hurt. He feels left out. She cooperates for me and won't for him. I try to suggest that he do more of her cares without hollering for me to help or getting frustrated. I suggest that he bathe her. He really won't do that. Any ideas?

Oh, I decided that Kristin is right and I took down the adjusted age ticker. A friend is watching Syd today as our DCP is on vacation, and she had not seen her in a while. When I opened the door with Syd on my hip, she said "She is huge." :)

Adjusted age

Friday was Syd's original due date.

I'm torn. I wonder if I should restart the adjusted age ticker or take it down. Developmentally she is pretty much on track. Size wise she is a tiny thing.

The tinyness is hard to deal with. That and the difference in her skin color and mine has gotted questions from strangers when we are out. I don't always feel the need to explain her whole history to the lady behind me in line.

Last week I read an article written by another mom of a biracial child. She decided her answer to "where did you get her?" is "My Uterus." That will be my answer from now on. This is one time I wish I had a vaginal birth, because I'd REALLY love the look on the strangers face when I would say "from my vagina." I love saying words that are not dirty words, but many people think they are. Oh well, I'll just stick to saying, my uterus. If they ask where she got that skin color from, so help me I just might say, "from my husband's sperm."

5 WHOLE POUNDS!!!

Yes. I lost 5 whole pounds in 9 days. I am amazed!

I feel better already. I am actually eating veggies... why because they are free. I have not had fast food in over a week. I feel so much better.

When I'm loosing weight, I can feel it. I don't have a way to describe it, but my skin fits better, looser. I feel softer. It is weird.

I am so very excited about this. If I keep the weight loss up, I'm not touching my nursing points, unless I plateau.

I find eating all the points I have hard. I have 32 now. It is REALLY hard to eat all that when you are trying to eat healthy. Funny.

Vince lost 6 pounds. He is doing very well. He is psycho nutso about tracking, like he thinks there will be a test. Oh well. I'm very happy at how well we have done.

After the weigh in, I went to Wal-Mart to get some things. I wanted to shout over and over, I lost 5 pounds, I lost 5 pounds.

New Ticker, New Goal, New Me?

Anyone else notice my new ticker? (Of course I saw it because I went and made it then pasted the code here. )

Vince and I started Weight Watchers yesterday. Yup, went to a meeting, paid the dues, stepped on a scale, and joined.

I'm not at my high weight, where I was the last time I started WW. However, I'm over a number I said I would never be over again... but only by 8 ounces., but I AM over that number. (It was my tampon, I swear.)

I do weigh more than I did the day I walked into the hospital to have Sydney. I do weigh much more than I should.

I am very committed. Yesterday for lunch I had a last Hurrah! I had a Crown Burger, fries and fry sauce. Very yummy. Very fattening. Very much a very rare treat from now on. (if ever) I looked at this like Mary Tyler Moore did when she went to the Betty Ford Clinic. I read in her autobiography that she got on the plane to go to the clinic sat down in first class, and was offered a drink... she figured one last chance to enjoy so she did and she showed up at the Betty Ford clinic very drunk. I showed up at the Weight Watchers meeting full from pastrami, cheese, and burger, but comitted and ready to make major life changes.

I was looking at pictures of me, and saw how heavy I am. I'm not happy at this weight. So I'm doing something about it.

I'm amazed at the number of points I'm allotted a day. Last time, I had 26 I think. This time, I have 36. GASP I'll never lose weight. I talked to the leader, and because I'm still nursing, but not nursing a baby that is only nursed, I removed 3 points, down to 33. I wanted to remove 6 points, cut the nursing points bonus in half (nursing moms get 12 points extra) but Vince thought that was too many. We will see, if I loose at 33 I'll stay there (although I lose a point when I lose a pound because of where my weight is). I just might drop down to 30 if I don't lose. I was impressed that the leader was supportive of nursing, and did not once ask if/why I was STILL nursing. Good for her.

For now, both Vince and I are doing flex, the plan where you count points. At some future time, we may switch over to core, once we are used to eating better and not so much.

We went to the meeting together yesterday. My sister was around and watched Syd. I want to be able to go with him all the time, but am unsure if that will happen... remember that letter I wrote a while ago? I'm calling her next and see about a night meeting where children are welcome. I know Vince will be more comfortable if I'm there with him in the meetings, at least at first. When we were getting the paperwork done, a regular member meeting ended. 3 men walked out, and about 45 women. One staff member there was a male... funny he did my weigh in, and a woman did Vince's.

So we are off and running (counting). As you can see from my ticker, I have plenty to lose.

My motivations for weight loss... the leader encouraged us to put it in writing...

• I want to look better.
• I want to be able to wear more fashionable clothing.
• I want to be able to wear cute clothing found on the clearance rack.
• I want to be healthier.
• I want to feel better in my skin.
• I don't want roller coaster rides to be tight on my hips.
• I want my seat belt to fit better.
• I don't want movie seats to be tight anymore.
• I want to live longer.
• I want to eat healthier.
• I want to eat less process and fast foods.
• I don't ever want to read that "maternal habitus" (read: my fat) interfered with a ultrasound ever again.
• I want to be able to run with Sydney.
• I don't want to ever worry I won't fit into the MRI machine.

At some point in the future, once I've lost a bunch of weight, I want to try to have another baby. I want that pregnancy to be healthier than Sydney's. I can't control the IUGR, placental stuff, but I can control my weight. Somehow I avoided gestational diabetes, hypertension, and pre-eclampsia, all of which weight makes much worse.

I'm done being fat. Last time when I reached this point emotionally, it was when I realized that the fat was costing me a baby. I lost 35 pounds, and got pregnant the first cycle. I firmly believe that the weight loss let my hormones get normal enough to get pregnant. I think that next time with even less extra weight hanging around, I could have an easier or healthier pregnancy without all that weight messing with the hormones.

Last time the fat was costing me a baby. This time it could cost me being able to raise my baby, and that is just too high a price to pay for Twinkies and cookies.

UGGGGG My MIL

I'll start off with something pleasant... pictures of Sydney on our vacation.







Now onto my rant....

So the MIL has been whining that we don't come around... again. So we went over tonight.

Some things to note as you read:

1. It is summer here. On the way home, the sign at a bank said 82 degrees Fahrenheit.


2. Sydney is an independent gal. She HATES socks.


3. Typical attire here in the summer is shorts and flip flops.

When MIL gets home, she starts in about the fact that Sydney did not have socks on. I was wearing flip flops, basically I HATE wearing socks when the temperature is above 75. I mentioned this and that Sydney just takes them off and looses them, so why bother. MIL said "Because her feet get dirty". So I'm to stain treat socks that get lost anyway so I don't have to give Sydney's feet an extra scrub in her bath? I thought skin washes.

Then MIL starts in on Sydney's knees. She said that if I had pants on her, her knees would not be getting dark. UGGGG So I have to have a ton of pants with holes in the knees so her knees don't get dirty... plus the fact that it is hot and I don't want her to be uncomfortable? WTH?

What I'd like to say to MIL is maybe you should mop your floors once in a while. She has all tile floors and Sydney's feet were FILTHY when we got home. Wanna see?

Yes, that is all from her being at my MIL's house and crawling on the floor. YUCK.

If you can tell, I'm much more upset about her questioning my mothering, once again. I cannot please that woman.

DH has a bad habit of putting people on speaker phone. He did this last week when we were en route to our camping trip. MIL told him she did not know how to make me happy, nothing pleased me. I held my tongue. I asked Vince what she wanted. At Sydney's birthday, I thought I welcomed them and that I told them how much I liked and appreciated Sydney's present. I mean I did not clap and jump for joy, but that would have been over the top for diapers, pj's and socks, really. I don't know how to please her, and frankly I'm done trying. I'll be polite and that is about it. I can't stand her, and if DH did not love her I'd have nothing to do with her.

She was complaining about the pictures of Sydney she has. She wants me to make more. She was complaining about the top of Sydney's head being chopped off on one... I moved it around in the frame, problem solved. She has never paid for a single picture. She demanded several from our wedding, which my mother paid for. She demanded a copy of the wedding video, which I paid for. She got angry when I handed her the order form and price sheet for the wedding photographer. I don't think she bought one. She helped herself to so many pictures of Sydney that my brother used his employee points to buy, that I had to buy more for me and my mom, and for my brother... and we bought a lot. She demanded but did not pay a cent for 10 graduation announcements for my husband's graduation. Money was VERY tight, and I skipped lunch twice to cover this.

This is the woman who went ballistic during my c-section, and has yet to apologize. This is the woman who got up in arms when she learned grandparents could visit at will, and she demanded her own bracelet (the golden ticket into the NICU) and then came ONCE to see Sydney, when we were there. She visited Sydney twice when Sydney was in the hospital. TWICE. My mom went almost daily during the week. Some sibling or other came to see me during the weekend. I had friends that came and saw Sydney more than MIL. She is so frustrating.

Since you have listened to my whine, here are some very cute pictures of my darling baby.

Tonight...

Home all day

So I felt like utter crap today, so I stayed home. Not that I have loads of leave to cover this, but I'll survive. My sinus are hurting and I ache, basically I just did not want to go to work.

Maybe I'll work 9s or 10s to cover today the rest of the week... that would be something to see.

So I'm up here typing thinking I'm not being a neglectful mommy. Sydney was napping on the living room floor. I'm thinking she can't fall off that, I covered her with a blanket, all is well riiiiiight? HA, Sydney is smarter than her mommy.

See Sydney is a mobile baby. She can crawl very well. She pulls her self up very well. She can climb on the couch. She can climb the stairs.

I hear a little happy Sydney noise and go check on it. Seems she mastered the makeshift baby gate I made at the bottom of the stairs of purses and bags and was climbing the stairs. She was silent as she did this. I caught her halfway up the second flight of stairs. (We live in a split level home.) She was chasing the cats, her new favorite past time, and their least favorite thing to do. She yelled "Cat" which is when I got up and found her on the stairs.

She and Thomas, our grey cat, are having problems. Last night I let her crawl into the kitchen and was listening in the living room. I heard her laughing and went to investigate. She and Thomas were under the table, and he was hissing and swatting at her. I grabbed her and yelled at him. She thought this was all very funny. She got a small scratch on her face, we have been putting neosporin on it. Vince cut Thomas' nails, and now we are super watchful. Salem and Tigger are very tolerant and actually seem to like Sydney, but Thomas does not. If this keeps up and we don't work something out, Thomas will get a new home in short order. I love my animals, but I can't have an animal endangering a human member of my family, much less my baby. We told them that Sydney was our kitten, and Salem and Tigger seem to understand, Thomas does not. We are trying to help him have a better life, by paying more attention to him and playing ball with him. He loves to play fetch.

Everything is a cat. Dogs, people food, etc. All are cat. She loves saying cat. She says Mama and dada, but I don't think those words have meaning yet, but Cat has meaning. She makes a lot of noise and talks a lot.

She is starting to reject baby food. Today I fed her re-fried beans for lunch. She loved them. I think baby food is too bland. I put some enchilada sauce on the beans and she ate them up. She drinks from straws. We give her 8 ounces of Pediasure daily, and sometime she takes it very easily and sometimes not. We are trying to help her maintain weight gain, as she is slowing down on her eating as a whole.

She has cut a canine tooth on the top. No front teeth, just a canine tooth. It looks a bit odd with the two bottom teeth and a canine tooth poking through.

She weighed 13 pounds 9 ounces when we took her in for her year check up and shots. Poor baby really knows what those are. She starts to cry once she sees the syringe.

She is into everything. She climbs and looks. She loves watching and grabbing things out of the printer, which is on a low shelf... I think it may be getting a new home very soon. Pulling DVD's off the shelf is a very fun game.

Sometimes she acts like a very "big" girl and is very independent. Sometimes she still acts very much like a baby, and curls up in my lap in a little ball and nurses. She is growing up so fast. Yesterday she wanted me to hold her against my chest like I did in the NICU, and she was nearly too long. I remember how small she was all swaddled on my chest I would hold her like that for as long as they would let me. Sometimes the staff would leave us alone like that for hours, sometimes they would bug us after half an hour. I remember one day when I was snuggling her on my chest, a nurse told me she had to go back into her bed so the doctor could examine her as the doctor was on rounds. He heard this and told the nurse that my cuddling Sydney was very important and to leave us alone. So she did, and I held Sydney for a very long time that morning. I only put her back because I REALLY had to pee.

I'm so very proud of my tiny big baby. I can't imagine where a year went.

Shameless Wicked Video

I LOVE this play. I found this video of the two talented actors I was able to see when I saw the play in LA. When I saw the play, I cried nearly the entire way though this song and to the end of the play. It was so very moving. More Wicked commentary to come.

On Fleas and Ticks

A blog that I was a regular reader and commenter on has been self imploded... Drfleablog is no more.

Flea had been blogging about his current ongoing malpractice trial. I found him very interesting and stimulating reading. He posted several very well written and researched posts about vaccines and why they are not the destructive force that the anti-vaxers claim they are. Is is silly of me to say that reading his vax series is one of the reasons that Syd is vaxed? I hope not, because the articles were just what I needed to counteract some of the very false and misleading information I was getting from the anti-vax foes.

Flea was outed at his trial. The case settled. He was then outed on a front page above the fold article in the Boston Globe.

I feel very sorry for Flea. I've read on other blogs that patients are leaving his practice. From previous posts, he was not doing all that well in his practice because of a lack of patients. Other legal bloggers are wondering if his malpractice carrier will stick with him, as they may consider some of his posts hindering his defense. I enjoyed Flea as a blogger. Looking at his picture and the articles on his practice's web site, he seems like a doctor I would like to have. It is sad to see a situation where someone you "knew" life seems to be imploding.

I'm learning from the Flea. I'll talk very little and in VERY vague terms about my clients and employment. Over the next while, I'll be editing posts as I feel needed.

Been a quiet May

Sorry for the silence. I've been dealing with some pretty strong emotions lately. My baby turned one. She is doing so very well. She weighs 12 pounds 8 ounces. The ped is a bit worried about her weight, so we are now giving her pediasure. Well we are fedding the more affordable Wal Mart brand, but same thing. She likes it a lot. Wanna get dirty looks ? Feed your baby something that looks about 5 months old a bottle of a chocolate liquid in public.

Syd is VERY mobile. She is an excellent crawler. She can climb all the way to the top of our stairs in our split level home. Tonight, she climbed onto the couch for the first time. No longer is she a lump... she is now a baby on the move.

Embarassing things I've fed Sydney...
Beans from Taco Bell
French fries from any number of places
Diet coke.
Cake and ice cream
icees
among others

I'm struggling with DH lately. The ROTC crap is ongoing. I'm frustrated at his work and lack of a viable job search. I'm just really struggling with him... I'm fed up with being broke and carrying all the load of the home finances. I'd also like to say that Sydney has 2 parents.... I should not be the only one to feed, change, bathe, etc her.

I've been playing Godfather on the X box a lot lately. I also want to run away to Disneyland again. We had a lot of fun there. It was nice to be a family together.

House is a mess. Office is a mess. I'm tired a lot. I feel overwhelmed a lot.

My mom has LOADS of unsolicited ideas about how to improve my life. I'm tired of hearing it.

Am I whining... yeah I guess. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood. Now a poopy diaper awaits me as DH is doing his impression of a log on the living room floor.

Our eighth anniversary was this week. Vince bought me this watch for our anniversary. Course, I picked it out and told him that was what I wanted, but with my husband... that is what I've learned. If I want to get something I want... I have to make it VERY clear what I want. I've given up on being suprised... well after he spent $80 on bras and panties at Victorias Secret for Christmas one year for my Christmas present... I've learned. I really like the watch. I have several watches. I really like them. I have about 4 really nice watches with dead batteries. I should get the batteries changed rather than keep buying new ones. Funny Wendy.

Oh, on a miracle note... my Brother and his wife are pregnant. I have no idea if they were TTC or what, but they are no longer waiting to adopt. They are keeping quiet on the details, so I don't really know much. (Actually they are being stinking WEIRD about this and many other things, but that is another blog post.)

And since Dawn is much better at blogging and posting pics....

Here is a post on Syd's birthday party.
Syd at Strutt your Mutt... scroll Down
Our camping trip last weekend. We went dirt camping... not trailer camping like normal. It was SO stinking cold at night. Thankfully, Dawn gave us the dog's sleeping bag so we did not freeze. We were so under prepared for the cold. That was dumb of us. Next time, we will overprepare for the cold and under prepare for being hot...

Will the real Army Wife please step up?

So a "Real Army Wife" thinks I suck as an Army wife because I hate the president. MMMM KAY. Jusging by her user name, and that she just registered in May of 2007 and had 2 profile views, one of which was mine, I am flattered she chose to register with blogger all so she could express her opinion to me. You know... you could have posted on a more recent post instead of me hunting to a post from September 2006.

So on my Blinkies post of long ago she posted this gem.

Ok you are a military wife, & you hate GWB? I am sure I am not posting in
the right place, but my question to you is,"How long have you been a military
wife?" How can you be a proud military wife, & not support their efforts- Go
on hating & support terrorism, be sure to vote for a yellow belly democrat
who wants to defund the war to put our soldiers/husbands/wives/sons/daughters in danger- When my husband enlisted into the Army, he knew what he was signing up
for-

Oh really.... I don't remember taking a mindless loyalty oath when I married my husband. I don't remember being required to check my brain when I go on base and by diapers at the PX.

I've been a proud military wife since I married. We will be married 8 years the end og this month.

I'm HIGHLY offended that you take my patriotic questioning of the president and his messed up administration of YES people to be "supporting terrorism." I do not support terrorists who want to kill and destroy everything I love. Last time I checked.... Osama Bin Laden is still alive... He attacked us. Saddam Hussein, while being a VERY evil man, did not attack us, and he is dead.

I'd like to direct you to this quote from Theodore Roosevelt...

"The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole.Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else."
Kansas City Star", 149 May 7, 1918

In order for there to be freedom, there needs to be the ability to question and YES, be VERY angry at our leadership. In order for our country to work... we need to be free to question our leaders.

I can, and AM, an excellent military wife, and I think my questioning the president make me a better spouse. DH did not marry a mindless autontom. He married a woman who thinks and has a brain.

Don't you all just love how all democrats are "yellow bellies" and what are the republicans.... Yes sir Ditto heads? Posts like this one are the reason we have an us versus them problem in this country.

So Real Army Wife... you can sod off.

Taken

Note: Others have chosen to not talk about this directly. I am choosing to post this in all it's awfulness, not to give the scammer any more attention, but to alert others.

You know, I've never really understood scaming someone for emotional attention.

My brother the Pious and his wife who I like much more than my brother are waiting to adopt got emotionally scammed. They have a profile online and a lady contacted them, saying that she chose them to adopt her twins. They never met in person as the lady lived in New York, and the lady refused to go into the local office of the agency that Bro and SIL are using. She never asked them for money, and they never sent any, but she strung them along promising them that they could adopt her twins. She kept having crisis after crisis. People kept dying on her. My SIL spent hours on the phone and online with her, talking her through these crisis.

Then she was supposed to have the babies on Tuesday, then Thursday, then Saturday... She said she was over due with twins, and the OB was just waiting. I don't buy that and neither did my SIL. My SIL asked for proof that she actually was pregnant, and the lady disappeared.

SIL handled this quite well. Bro got nasty. They were both very hurt.

I felt for them, but thought that since I was not waiting to adopt, I was immune from this type of scamming.

I was wrong.

I hang out online at Mothering.com discussion boards. There was a posted who went by the handle Acamile14. She claimed that her name was Amber Camilleri, and that she was the mother of Sierra Louise Camilleri, a baby born at 26 weeks gestation. She also claimed that she was the wife of a officer in the army, named Ian.

She also had a livejournal page, but that has been taken down.

Again it was similar things. Lots of drama. Lots of very crisis. Sierra "went" through such medical trauma and procedures. If you questioned her at all on the main thread where she hung out, she flipped out, and threatened to leave. So we would all rush to apologize to her as no one wanted to hurt a NICU mom's feelings, not when her baby had to have dialysis. One time while chatting with her, I attempted to gently broach hospice care and to talk to her about her thoughts on that. She abruptly cut me off, and "yelled" at me asking why I wanted to kill Sierra. I was simply trying to see what options they had talked about, and to give her a safe place if she wanted to talk about ending treatment. The way she described her daughter's condition, Sierra was near death every day. "Amber" even concocted another user name "Luceegoose" to have a premature baby in the same hospital as her baby was in, so there was someone who had seen her and Sierra in the hospital.

Boy this lady was good. She had all sorts of stories. The baby was coding. She ended up spending the weekend in the hospital for dehydration. She goes home for the first time in months and the house is a disaster. She is so upset because she cannot see the baby. She was staying at the Ronald McDonald house. She was pumping. She had a neo she called Dr. Doom, whom she fired. She had a respiratory therapist that she hated and fired.

She lied, all lies.

I had this posted to my blog last Tuesday, it was the first clue something was wrong. I should have known something was fishy, but I fell for the whole story hook, line and sinker....

The person claiming to be the mom of a preemie named Sierra Louise is a fraud. She (or he) has been stealing photos of my daughter (born at 25 weeks gestation in Aug. 0f 2005) and posting them all over the Internet, claiming they are of her daughter. I'm working on taking action against this person, but in the meantime, you can visit my website (which has been up and running since the summer of 2005). I think you'll recognize the child in the photos: www.kristinaseleshanko.com/baby.htm

I don't know why sick people do stuff like this; it makes me cry and shake with anger that someone would take photos of my dear girl when she was in such a vulnerable and sick state and use them for their own weird desires.

Kristina Seleshanko

I clicked on the link. I remembered seeing this page when I was looking for information on preemies before I had Sydney. I felt like the world had stopped spinning. When I saw the identical photos, I was shocked and ill.

The rumour is that they were going to let "Sierra" go later that week. She had also told us that her DH was being deployed to Iraq, and had just gotten orders. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Screenshot from the now defunct Livejournal site... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v249/cerulean_me/sierrascreencap.jpg
Link to original picture http://www.kristinaseleshanko.com/9-18-05Photos.htm

It turns out that "Amber" was also on the c2pp.com board, scamming there. She has been banned from C2PP and mothering.com.

I later got this information on a message...

This is from another user who asked that I pass it along:The email of the woman
who's identity she stole is camillerip@apsu.edu. Phyils A Camilleri who is a professor at Austin Pea State univeristy. The IP address she has been posting from is an APSU IP address. Phyils is not Amber. However, she does have a suspicion of the student she thinks did it. Please email camillerip@apsu.edu and tell her what happened along with any links and pictures you may have.

These will be forwarded to the campus police. Also tell her if you sent "Amber" any gifts or money and what address you sent them to. Send this out to everyone.

See this is more than someone stealing pictures, and identity, and stories. I realized as I typed the part where she was so upset that she could not see Sierra, she could have very well stolen that from my blog. Amber asked for and got donations. She hinted she needed gas money, and it was sent. People shipped her goodies, gifts, gift cards, blankets. I was about to take up a collection to hire a maid to get her house deep cleaned.

The only thing toping this scam is the woman who claimed her DH was KIA on a military wives BB. That was bad.

She went and stole pictures of our babies when they were at their weakest. She stole our stories when we were most vulnerable. I'm so very angry and disgusted. It is despicable what she did.

She knew how to hit sympathy buttons. Military family, critically ill baby, overwhelmed mother. Bingo, donations out the wazoo.

Thankfully I am not out any money. I am out time and emotions. I prayed for this family. I put their name on the temple rolls for crying out loud. I spent hours chatting with her, talking her through a crisis. I neglected DH, DD, and my job so she could get her jollies. I'll never get that time back. I'll never get that energy back. I'll never be so trusting again.

Another concern I have is that people will start to suspect me for being a fraud. I'm not. I really had a preemie daughter. I really have a military husband. These are my true stories. These are MY stories, and not up for grabs by any psycho who wants to be disgusting.

Rock and a hard place.

Ok, some of you know me IRL. I work with some of you, and you are in our circle of friends.... I really don't want you to think that DH is a failure. Please don't judge him. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but please know he has worked very hard at being a success.

DH is likely not going to commission as an officer. It sounds as if his ROTC commander will not recommend him for commissioning. Basically it seems as if the past 2 years of ROTC hell are for nothing.

Why, you may ask? Sure there are things DH could have done to perhaps prevent this. Yes, he is not faultless in this. I'm not going to list his faults. However, who reading this is perfect?

DH did very well with the previous cadre. Then the cadre changed and the atmosphere changed. DH has struggled mightily to create a good impression with the cadre, and he failed. They have a very negative attitude toward him. He hears only negative, even when he is working so hard.

DH is trying to do well in his classes. He has been working very hard this semester, but the cadre are not seeing it.

So that is where we are. The catch is that we received a $500 a month stipend for the last year or so. It appears that the Army will want him to repay that amount by going on active duty for 2 years. They could require us to repay that $7000 ish, but from what I looked at online, it seems he will have to go active duty as an enlisted for 2 years.

Gasp. I am in shock. I did not know this fact.

I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what was going to happen. I don't relish the thought of repaying the $7000 but would much rather do that than uproot.

There is NO way we can make it on what DH's wages would be. NONE. I will still HAVE to work. I have a great job here with benefits, pension, stability. This place does not hire that often. If I leave, there is no guarantee they will have an opening when we come back. I have no guarantee of being able to get a decent job wherever we end up. I'm so worried. I don't want to move and job search. The whole reason we did this was for him to get an active OFFICER commission and me be able to stay home. That is not happening. Now it looks like we will have to move to wherever, and not have enough income, me have to work at whatever I can find. Then we come home, and hope to restart our lives, only I will have lost my job and career service standing?

I'm sickened by this turn of events. The thought of having no control and stuff this big being up in the air is killing me.

DH is so depressed. He is really beating him self up about this. There is such shame and guilt associated with this happening. I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to say. Everyone we know has been planning on him commissioning, and now it looks like he is not. How do we tell everyone?

I already know my mom will think I should stay here. She will think poorly of me if I follow him. I am worried she will give me a copy of 10 Stupid things women do to mess up their lives. She will say she followed a man and it was bad. She will say I am repeating her mistakes.

Am I?

I love DH very much, and I know that he loves me. He and I have been together through hell. We have been together for 8+years now. He was by my side both times I was fired from a post college job (one deserved, one not so deserved.) I owe him that, don't I? I don't want to be the fool, but I don't want to voluntarily live apart from DH for 2 years. That would be choosing my job over him. I don't want him to miss out on Sydney, and I don't want her to not have her father.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'll tell you, every time I tried to type years, I typed tears.

I'll kiss it.

This morning, I was snuggled safe in my bed. My baby was sleeping next to me. I turned to my side and turned on the Today show, as is my usual morning routine. As Sydney is well known to do, she rolled over to have her back touching mine. If there is a person or cat in the bed, she moves in her sleep to cuddle. This can make the bed a bit cramped at times, but it is cute.

I laid there, warm and snuggled next to my baby, watching the horror from Virginia Tech. I don't understand how God allows this. They were just going to French class, damn it. I worried for Vince, sitting in his math class. I worry for Sydney sitting in her first grade class someday. I worry for my sister in high school. I worry for my sister singing in the choir. I worry for my brother teaching junior high students Utah history.

I'm angry that, once again, we see images of horror and death coming from our television screens. I'm very angry at the shooter. He chained them in. He left them, let them think they were safe, and came back to shoot them some more.

No where is safe. I think of all the horrors which have come through my television set.... maybe I don't want TV anymore. Maybe I don't want the Internet anymore. Maybe I want to just live on a tiny island far far away.

While watching, this interview came on. I laid there snuggling my baby and watched a father show his pain. Stone Phillips is interviewing Joe Samaha, whose daughter Reema was killed in her French class. I heard the profound grief of this father, and cried for him and his daughter.

These words will haunt me, they so eloquently illustrate the depth of his grief. I am so thankful that all I love are safe, and I ache for those who are grieving right now.

Phillips: What questions remain in your mind?
Joe Samaha: Why didn’t she skip class? Why was she there at that time? Why was the shooter doing? What he was doing? Why was he on a rampage?
Phillips: Is there anything more you want to say.
Joe Samaha: I just want to see our daughter. We’re having a tough time doing that. The medical examiner’s office doesn’t have the facilities to reunite the families with their deceased. They said they could provide us with photographs in a few hours.
Phillips: You need to see something, you need to see her face.
Joe Samaha: Absolutely. I need to see her face.
Phillips: And when you do see it?
Joe Samaha: I’ll kiss it.

Open letter to the staff and board of the Ronald McDonald House in Houston

To those at the Ronald McDonald House....

Welcome to the present. You can no longer bully someone and expect it to stay a secret. Welcome to the modern day where people from across the world can gather together and discuss issues with relative ease.

Welcome to the connected world. I'm sure you never imagined your email server would crash, or your voice mail boxes would be full. Wait until tomorrow's mail. I'm sure when you met with this family, you had no idea the can of worms you have opened.

You are avoiding a nurse in solely because we don't want to disrupt the other families staying at the RMH. Otherwise... Nurse in... I'm thinking nurse ins at all our local McDonald's. That will do both the RMH and The McDonald's corporate image good.

Why don't you Google RMH breast feeding? It's all bad. You can change the top posts to positive ones by your actions. Write a breast feeding is welcome her policy. Apologize to this family. Truly welcome diversity, including nursing moms. Stop giving phony lip service to nursing, and instead support nursing moms with open and whole arms.

I hope all the negative press and negative blog sites are worth it. I hope one day to be able to post the apology you owe this family.

You can stop this. Change your policies, educate your staff, apologize. Know this negative publicity will NOT stop until you change your tune.

I remembered my deep thought!

The outcome of the Meeting with the Ronald McDonald house.

Here is the mom's post on what happened in the meeting with the execs at the RMH. My comments follow the post.

Ok here is the outcome of the meeting. We got out about and hour ago and I have been trying to find time to post here after returning some phone calls. The meeting was about 2 hours long and included myself and my sister, a representative from the LLL, and a doctor from the area who is responsible for some big research on breastfeeding. I will not mention their names as I have not asked them for permission to do that but we thank them both for their support! We could not have handled the meeting without them. I contacted the suggested LLL person in Texas(again no names) and she sent them right out. She was great as well and worked tirelessly for us today.From the RMH Arlene, the Director of Operations, as well as Naomi, the Executive Director, attended as well as a couple of their board members.

After a very lengthy conversion with many twists and turns the RMH is allowing us to stay. We are from now on allowed to breastfeeding in the communal areas if we follow some rules they have set forth and not too many people complain about it. They said if just one person complains they will tell them they support breastfeeding and discuss with them why they are concerned. If many people were to complain they will have to deal with that as it comes up, they could not say how as they have not encountered the situation.

The rules we are to follow are that we are to be discreet, this is at our discretion, meaning we choose what discreet means but they said they will obviously know if we are not being discreet if people are complaining that they are uncomfortable with us nursing. We are also being asked to inform the people around us before we begin nursing if we think there is anybody that may be uncomfortable with it. We are to tell them nicely that we are going to breastfeed, in case they want to leave or look away.There was alot of discussion about what discreet meant, but after some pretty silly possibilities for discretion they decided it would be up to us as to what that meant. They said they would not bother us about nursing again unless many people complained, which nobody felt was likely to happen.

The RMH wanted us to tell everybody that the RMH supports breastfeeding moms...they were VERY adamant about it. You can decide for yourself if that is true, I am only passing on what they said to us.

Now, at this point, this only applies to us. When asked how other nursing moms would be treated they said they cannot make any changes right in the room but
that they will be examining the practice, or oral guidelines, of asking breastfeeding moms to stop. They said they did not have the power to make policy change, it had to go to the board; which they said they would seriously discuss doing. Obviously alot more was said in 2 hours but this is the gist of the situation. If they really do examine their guideline this could be a really good thing but we will have to follow up to make sure that happened. Please if you decide to write anymore letters(and they received ALOT of letters) please do so to encourage them to reexamine thier guidelines and to thank them for considering it.

Although they were not apologetic to us they have agreed to reexamine their stance and this could be really good for alot of nursing moms. If we handle this correctly this could mean national change for the RMH.We will be waiting to find out how this plays out in the following days and will will update as needed. Lots of media have contacted us from all kinds of large outlets and I am still not sure who, if anyone, I will talk to at this point. We are trying to decide how to best help ALL moms.We want this to benefit moms across the board so me and Jessica will be working to change their guidelines as we go. And the LLL says they will continue to offer us support. We are not giving up on a full scale policy protecting moms, but we will have to wait for a board decision on that. This will take time but I am confident that we can make this happen.

THANK YOU ALL FOR OUR SUPPORT!!!!! Above all if you all had not done what you have done I suspect we would not have had the outcome we did or even had that meeting. Your advice and input is welcome here as to how we should proceed and we will be checking in. Thank you.

Thank you for posting this update. I'm glad Tobin is out of the hospital, and I hope he keeps getting better.

From my point of view... You are doing your best to make the best of this impossible situation that they have put you in. OP, I'm not ranting at you at all. I support you, I'm mad that they made you agree to this to be able to stay there.

I'm pissed as hell at THEM. HOW DARE THEY TELL YOU WHEN AND HOW YOU CAN NURSE! I'm 100% positive that I have offended people by NIP and I don't give a rats ass. I nurse my baby when, how and where I and Sydney desire. NO ONE ELSE FACTORS IN.

I find this to be a condescending and patronizing solution. Please be discreet and don't offend little day and we will "allow" you to nurse in the common room. If someone is offended, you must hide, not them. They are still not following the law. Why must YOU ask if it is ok to feed your baby? Are they making EVERYONE ask if it is ok to eat? Because I am personally very offended by bad table manners, and they should have to go hide, not a baby eating.

I will be calling again tomorrow. They need to know that they cannot get away with this crap any more. With the internet it is incredibly easy to organize and enhance activism. I'm highly offended by this solution. I feel for you being in this situation.

Oh, and as for me, that RMH is VERY breast feeding unfriendly and unsupportive. They say they are supportive of breastfeeding like Imus says he is not a racist.

Later on someone posted this.... my response is attached...

Originally Posted by R
Ah, but they [meaning objecting IL's] KNOW you breastfeed, the other guests at RMH don't (at least at first). But in that case you stand up and remove yourself to a place BEHIND them (not in their line of sight), so they have to actively TURN AROUND to SEE you discretely breastfeeding your babe--better yet, if at all possible, turn your back to them so they can not see you feeding your baby. You have by your act taken their modesty into concern and that is where your obligation ends. R

And NEITHER do the people sitting next to me on an airplane... Should I poll the plane of I can nurse or will that offend someone? How about at church, the mall, anywhere in public.

I WILL NOT MOVE UNLESS I WANT TO. I'm not responsible for them, I'm responsible for my baby and me. They can turn their head. How am I supposed to move on an airplane or a bus?

I guarantee that the gay guys in front of me were a bit wowed when they saw me nursing in the line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, but they said nothing and turned toward the front of the line. I accidentally flashed one of them because DD popped off to protest nursing not laying down. Should I have gotten out of the line? NO.

I also know the lady next to me and DD on the plane was less than thrilled, but that is not my concern. My concern is that DD is being taken care of and loved.

Nursing is not something to hide. I should not have to do gymnastics to nurse. I cannot live my life for fear of offending someone. That is not living.

BTW, and not that this matters, but I'm a discreet nurser, but sometimes DD pops off. I quickly get her back on or cover, but that is because that is what I want to do.

I have a great point I keep forgetting to post, but forgot what it is... sheesh.

Ronald McDonald House in Houston bans nursing in common area

I'm very angry. The Ronald McDonald House in Houston has threatened to kick a family out because they have the nerve to actually want to nurse their babies in the common area.

I actually called Naomi Scott today. I left her as professional and composed a voice mail as I could. In response to her concern over multicultural respect, I stated that people do not have a right to NOT be offended, but mothers do have the right to nurse in public. I also stated that most countries are much more accepting of nursing that the United States is. I also told her how offensive her comparing nursing to smoking is. Smoking causes cancer, breast feeding reduces the risk of this. I asked her to create a breast feeding positive environment rather than a hostile one. I also stated that if this is not resolved satisfactorily soon, I will be contacting major corporate donors to the RMH whom I do business with to complain, namely Farm Bureau insurance, Coca-Cola, McDonald's, and Stampin' UP (I forgot to say the stamp company, but oh well.)

For me, this is one more example of multiculturalism gone too far. In response to a supposed offense, they have severely offended others. Nursing is not something to hide or be ashamed of, much less to ask a mom to go up to her room 3 stories up from the common area. FYI, the common area is the ONLY place that eating is allowed. Bottle feeding is welcome here, breast feeding is not. How offensive is that! If someone is offended by a baby nursing, THEY don't have to look or THEY can leave. We are talking about a hungry upset baby here. Between adults and babies, babies win every time.

I'm very upset by this. This is discrimination, pure and simple. Someone thinks that the children are too old to nurse so they are going to harass this family because of the staff members' personal beliefs. World wide the age of weaning is about 4 years. AAP recommends breast feeding until at LEAST (not STOPING at) age one. The WHO recommends nursing until at least age two. Well I disagree.

Sydney turns 1 next month. I have no plans to stop nursing her any time soon. I plan on nursing her for much longer. I'm not sure if I will child lead wean, but I love nursing her. It is a great way for me to re-connect with her after a day being apart.

Frankly, I'm very disappointed at their reaction and their insistence to stick to their illegal, immoral, and unethical policy. I think they are being very stupid if they think this will go away and not hurt their donations. They do not get to ignore the law because they do a great thing most of the time.

I honestly think these people all need to leave. I'd like to see them all resign.

Here is her story.

My sister and I are staying in the Ronald McDonald House in Houston because one of her 17 month old twins had to have brain surgery to remove a tumor last week. The RMH has been great and we have felt so blessed to find such a safe and homey place to take care of her other two children and my daughter while we are here for Tobin's recovery. However yesterday my sister, who is nursing the twins, was asked to stop nursing in the communal area of the Ronald McDonald House and to take it up to her room. She was shocked! After his surgery her son will basically only drink breast milk and it is the only thing that eases the constant pain and anxiety he feels.

She told them that it was illegal, according the Texas state law, to ask a breastfeeding mother to stop nursing in any public or private place. She also tried to explain to them how inconvenient it would be for her to take all her children up 3 floors to their room every time her sick child needs to nurse. Unfortunately after 30 minutes of arguing, and being threatened with being kicked out, she was in tears and they weren't backing down. So I headed down there to talk to the administrator because I am also nursing my three year old daughter. I even pulled up the state law on my laptop and after a lengthy discussion the administrator acted as if she was going to examine the law so she understood it and move on. I thought that was the end of it. Today I find out they may be kicking us out of the RMH because we refused to comply with what they call their "interpretation of the law". Their interpretation is that if they provide somewhere else for us to nurse they don't have to let us nurse in public places.

Since when do laws get to be personally tailored to an organizations needs?This is a ridiculous and terrible situation for all of us, I am not sure what else we will do if we can't stay here but we can't just not nurse our children. The Ronald McDonald is such a great resource, why do they have to discriminate against nursing moms?If you would like to send a letter(s) we would appreciate it. Arlene Whatley is The Director of Operations of The Holcombe location of the RMH where we are staying and one of the people who Jessica spoke to about this. It is Arlene that seems to be making the decision here. Her email is awhatley@rmhhouston.org and her phone is (713) 795-3570.Also her higher ups, The Executive Director can be emailed at nscott@rmhhouston.org and the Director of Administration is srichard@rmhhouston.org. This message may also be shared and reposted as you see fit. Thank you all for your support.

**Update**..please read Update posts for a more info but as of Saturday Afternoon(4/14) we are still being asked not to nurse anywhere but our rooms and Arlene, who I spoke to today by phone, has informed me that she will be contacting the Executive Director and their attorneys on Monday about the situation before any other decisions will be made. I have been told by Arlene that she will do what she needs to do and that I am to "be very careful" about what I decide to do. We are being told that we are not being asked to leave right now and that they never meant that we should have to...despite the fact that Arlene told my sister in front of another RMH employee on speaker phone that families who could not acclimate to the environment at RMH should find somewhere else to stay. She admitted this to me on the phone today, that yes she did tell Jessica that...but that did not mean we actually had to leave. Also the day after she was asked to stop nursing(yesterday) Jessica's social worker was contacted by RMH and was apparently told that she may need to help us make other accommodations. The RMH actually contacted my sister's social worker who handles Tobin's case while he is in the hospital and got her involved...because Jessica was nursing and they are not ok with that? I guess nursing means not acclimating to their environment and she was just trying to intimidate Jessica into stopping the nursing of her sick son. I do want to say that aside from Arlene, and the original employee who asked my sister to stop nursing, we have been treated very well here and want to say that the RMH has great employees as well as the ones bullying us.

Here is the update... it gets worse... the Director compares NIP to smoking.

I am still updating the original thread but someone suggested I also post a new one so that it will be easier to find the new information. I just spoke to Naomi Scott, the Executive Director of the RMH Houston, and we(Me, Jessica, Arlene and Naomi) have a meeting this afternoon (tentatively) at 4pm. She came back from her vacation early to handle the situation. Naomi needs to speak to some people before the meeting she said.

Unlike Arlene, Naomi was very pleasant on the phone but she told me that although they are not kicking us out right now that it is a guideline(an oral one) to ask all breastfeeding mothers to go to their rooms to nurse. This is the first I have heard of any oral guideline from anyone. It was never mentioned before. She told me this was because they had multicultural residents here and that they need to protects all the residents from feeling uncomfortable. Because of this they are not changing their stance on us breastfeeding downstairs. She also said that she has received calls from corporate but that each RMH is run independently. They have also received calls from national donors and she said that was uncomfortable and that all of our emails crashed their server(although they have fixed it now) which was costing them money.This is all I know for now but I will be contacting the LLL about representaion of some sort at the meeting and I am going to try and get ahold of corporate myself right now. Thank you all for your continued support..and please keep the pressure coming, we will need it now MORE THAN EVER to make sure all moms have the right to breastfeed at the RMH. Please call or email Naomi Scott at 713.795.3560 or nscott@rmhhouston.organd call or fax corporate if you feel you can as well. Corporate RMHPhone: 630-623-7048Fax: 630-623-7488Please let them know that their apparent "oral guideline" as Naomi put it, of directing employees and volunteers to ask mothers to nurse only in their rooms is not acceptable and that we should be able to nurse anywhere we are allowed to be at RMH. Especially since bottle-feeding is perfectly acceptable in these same communal areas(there was a woman in the common area feeding a bottle last night).

BTW. she never called me back.